Thursday, June 16, 2011

I wish... I was little bit taller!

I wish I was a little bit taller.... when I was 14, I thought I would be like 6'2 when I turned 18 ...but now, many years later... I am still stuck at 5'7 and I blame it on them chicken fly lice, Tiger beer and late-night 7-Eleven ko ... microwaveable chicken fly lice again!

When I should have been drinking milk, pumping iron and eating balanced-diet ... I only ate CFL (not the bulb kya .. feri chicken fly lice nai ho!) every morning at them food court below my so-called school!

The so-called Lion City was fun... never saw any lions there but picked up them accent (ok lah! no problem lah...can can!).... and few years ago I went back to visit my school but now they have this mega complex but I still remember them principal .... he looked like one of them Jackie Chan ko motey dai (euta cha ni tyo Hongkie film ma khel-nay!) and he drove around in a 'Pink' Mercedes... hehe!

Nothing wrong with that... Pink is the color of passion rey ... according to Dr. Steven Victor Tallarico from the Aerosmith School of Science! Anyways... I still remember the school ko receptionist lady jasko finger I nearly cut with them scissor! It was not intentional .... reception ma euta pacakage kaat-nuh laako ... kasri usko haat tira pugay cha! Ram is a bad boy..hehe!

She once invited me to her house for dinner but I backed out when I found out that her father works in them credit department for some Triad! Nothing wrong with what your Pops does for a living but I don't want to eat shark-fin soup with the loan shark kya ....haha! I come from a Shark (SAARC) country ni!

If only them facebook and twitter or them blogging stuff were available then... I would have spent all day updating my status, blogging-slogging, tweeting from Orchard Road! Skee-Lo's 'I wish' single was #1 in them local FMs kyaaruh!

The only reason I hung around Orchard Road was to see if them jaywalkers would get run over by them speeding taxis kya! Abuh tyeti bela teenager haroo ko buddhi tyestai ho kya.. ahiley ko have more skills...hehe! And boy... they did.. like 9 in less than six weeks. Tyeti bela mobile tuh tyeti thiye-naw.. ahiley jasto kaha ho ruh.. now everyone has them SLRs (no I am not talking about self-loading rifles ni feri!)...

And every tyam... there was an accident all them people on the street would disappear... because nobody wanted to talk to the cops... whereas here in Nepal, if there is an accident , hundreds of clowns appear and instead of helping the injured, you will find a jerkin of petrol, lighter and some burning going on!

Once I was drinking beer at 2 in the afternoon (I heard them Germans were taller because they drink beer all the tyam!) and I saw Shakti Kapoor walking around. I used to be a big fan of Shakti dai then.... (not anymore.. ever since them casting couch kaan-daw!)... all my heroes have disappointed me so far!

I yelled 'Ye Shakti.. Kya Haal hay?' ... He looked at me and was like... ye Malay vi Hindi bolta hai! He was like 'Sab Thik Hai' and started to speed-walk hehe!

Talking about them heroes, I used to be a big fan of Ben Johnson and even won a packet of Wai Wai (used as a form of commodity money in boarding schools hehe!) when I bet that Benny would kick Carl Lewis's arse @ them Seoul Olympics! He did ... but then a day later they found he had used them steroid stuff rey! And I had to return the packet of Wai Wai back!

Used to be a big fan of Iron Mike.... when he was knocking everyone out .... then he went on to do that bad thing to some girl and now he is a clown!.. just because you do them cameos in them 'Hangover' series doesn't make you a cuddly teddy bear kya!

Abuh 'Hangover 3' chahi Nepal ma set garoom nuh hai.. ye naya blog post lekh-noo parcha hola yesko laagi tuh..hehe!

Yestai ho... either I happened to choose only jackasses as my heroes then or I have the knack for predicting which celebrities will end up as clowns kya!

I think I might end up as a clown someday hola... that's kinda scary! But I have been good at predicting them sports results nowadays! Paul the Octopus was good @ predicting who would win... I go a step further.. I give out the scores kya! Sometimes off by a goal hola but it really helps my friend who wager them bets with local country representative of the Mumbai dons here in Kathmandu!

Yes, you can wager them bets for them IPL games and all them major sporting events right here in the 'Sick City' kya! A friend of mine used to call me during them IPL nataks... and I never watch cricket sricket. I blame the gringos, the imperialist infidels ... Go Mets! Go Jets! Go Mavericks!

But I would just choose between them cities .... and say some stupid crap like 'Yes ... pick Chennai or Rajasthan' depending on what I was eating or ate that afternoon! So if I had Roti then tyo, or chicken momo then arko kya!

I would just BS him and he happened to win 6 times in a row! Then I went MIA (missing in action not that Tamil Hawttie ni feri!) because I don't want him to lose his house kya!

But I told him Dallas would win because I like Dirky (13 years of slogging) Jason Kidd (waited more... 17 years!) and Mark Cuban (the best owner in NBA ..hehe!) and Lebron James can go to hell!

Yes, Miami is a fun place to be .... but Dallas is where they shot Kennedy! What? Dallas has changed now... no more a pukka red-neck place ni... I liked Dallas more than Miami!

The only thing you do in Miami is take them boat soat and the tour guide will show you them celebrities haroo ko ghar shar ... what the @$!#? I didn't fly all the way to Miami to see where Ricky Martin, Gloria Estefan and some Colombian mobster lives kya!

So if you visit Amrika then don't forget to visit Springfield (not Homer's place ni feri), Illinois and Hyde Park, New York... yes, where Lincoln and FDR had them ghar shar kya! I would rather visit Gorkha Durbar and see the ghar of Nepal's first Maobadi then visit the 'Hiti' @ Durbarmarg...hehe!

I used to watch them 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air' when I was 17 and I used to think Willie would make a great Amriki President someday but myan.... Willie brother, you owe me 200 bucks.. you only sang about Miami and we followed your advice.. you didn't warn us that they charge by them bottles kya! And you can't impress ladies if you dress up like some Mexican gangsta ... tyeti bela ko mero get up .. haha! Would have worked in LA but not in Miami ni!

I once nearly joined them Latin Kings but will guffing about them next tyam.... my sister tells me I should write a book on what not to do in life .. by going back to them days when I was young, bold and oh.. how I wish they had fair n hensum back then..hehe!

Aroo haroo lay motivational kitab lekhchan.. muh chahi 'Demotivational Guide by Guffadi' tiruh laagno parla! I know with my angrezi and eestyle I won't be getting offers from Penguin India (hehe!) but if my sisters want to self-publish it then why worry about them book tours hagi!

I have no idea what I am writing citing .. (actually, I do... tyehi blast from the past tuh ho ni!) but it's 4:16am in the morning and I can't sleep...hehe! I wanted to write about how I wish... if I could turn .. turn back the hands of time then my darlin' ... you'd still be mine! Ye... maaf garnoos yo tuh R. Kelly ko geet po parecha... another jackass kyaaruh!

If you ever date a black woman (as in African-Amrikan kya) then always remember them R. Kelly's geet seet ... hai! But I always thought he would be someone's beeyaatch in them Amriki prison for what he did kya! But khoi kay bhanney.... black women still love R. Kelly!

I have already had 3 cups of coffee toffee (yes, coffee makes me sleepy kya!) .... it's time to order some Prozac and Ambien from my friends in Amrika hola ni!

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