Saturday, January 26, 2013

Personal Slaves



It’s tough to be a police wallah in this land of ours. You have to think twice before you arrest a mundrey gunda because he might be affiliated to one of our major political parties.  The Amrikis have them Miranda Rights and the police officer should mention them to the person being arrested.

In this great republic of ours, the police have all the rights whereas the common citizens can do nothing but listen to their verbal abuse and if things get a little out of hand then the laathis and boots come raining down on us. It’s time we have an independent entity to investigate police abuses and take action against the bad apples.
 
I think we should have ‘Afno Manchey Rights’ where the mundrey gunda should blurt out his political affiliation even before entering the police station. That would prevent our police wallah from displaying their kicking skills and not get into trouble the next day.
 
What about us? Well, since most of us have no political connections, we just have to pray that the policewallah stopping your motorcycle won’t be another foul-mouthed savage. I think with all them political pressure, our policewallahs find it much easier to vent their frustration on the common folks instead.
 
Our security personnel seem to spend majority of their time providing security to our clowns instead of common citizens. Our clowns ride around in them gas guzzling luxury vehicles escorted by dozens of security personnel. And we just stand still and curse them.
 
Maybe, our netas should fund the salaries of our policewallahs from their own personal bank accounts instead of wasting our taxpayers money. Then we won’t have to complain about the police not doing their job.
 
I think it’s about time we remind our clowns that our police wallahs are not their personal slaves. Not much has changed since the days of the great mandalays.  We now have mini-Maharajas and our police wallahs have to follow their whims.  I hope one of our NGOs will work to free the police from political slavery. 
 
Our caretaker government has done us proud by recalling the police chief and the CDO saheb from Dailekh district.  Our ruling Maharajas tell us that they were recalled because they failed to maintain security in the district.  The opposition wallahs want us to believe that Dr. Saheb and his crew wanted the police to fire on their cadres.
 
The police wallahs must be going crazy with all them nataks. Next time, they should just step aside and let them political cadres bash each other and burn down them party offices. Maybe that’s the only way our clowns can resolve the current political crisis. Instead of playing the blame game, it’s time for all our clowns to get-together for a ‘mel-milaap’ karyakaram. Kiss and make up instead of bitching and biting each other.
 
Hope our political cadres will wake up one day and realize that our clowns are only interested to hang on to power. While the cadres want to kill each other, our netas meet for late night drinking sessions and boast about who can vandalize more stuff.
 
Most of the time, our police wallahs are good at bending the truth. Instead of protecting us, they come up with funny schemes to extort from the common folks. But sometimes, we do have honest cops who just want to do their job. 

And if he or she wants to find the truth then instead of getting a pat on the shoulder, the clowns threaten them with transfer to a remote area or bodily harm to their families. Even the few good men and women in our police force are forced to turn a blind eye and shut up.
 
The senior policewallahs have to spend majority of their time, running around kissing our netas’ arses. After all, who doesn’t want to get promoted? But our clowns are good at promoting civil servants based on their bidding amount and political ties instead of merit and talent.

If one wants to get promoted then he or she must take up dancing lessons to learn how to dance to the tune of our politicians.
 
Our comrades have their convention next week. The fundraising drive is now on full swing. Maybe our netas should learn a thing or two from the Amrikis. Look at their political conventions with all them stars and other circus acts. 

Instead of asking for voluntary donations from our poor fake-VAT bill wallahs, why not telecast the convention live on TV and make some dough from sponsors instead?  At least them byaparis can deduct it as expenses and they won’t have to worry about forging another bill.
 
Even them political cadres get tired listening to the usual rant from their almighties. Why not schedule comedy shows, dance programs and musical acts in between so that we too can watch them and enjoy the circus act? 

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Same Old Protest




Our opposition wallahs have announced another round of protest programs to topple the caretaker government.  The previous protest programs failed to make any impact and Dr. Saheb and his crew are still enjoying the free ride. 

It’s time for the organizing committee to buy black cloth at wholesale prices. But of course, our political parties are not capitalists. They have no idea how the market works. They only know how to grab and hold. So, they will probably pay half the price and make the local kapada pasaley depressed or they will just grab the bora of cloth and not even thank the voluntary donor.

They also need to start calling up all transport entrepreneurs across the country to book them buses to transport their cadres.  Our bus wallahs will have to voluntarily provide their buses. And a few lucky ones will get their fuel kharcha back. The rest of them will just have to grit their teeth and think of new ways to hike up the transport fares to make up for the losses.

The only folks who will have fun at these protest programs are our government employees at the district administration offices across the country. They will now have enough time to finish reading the daily newspapers without any disturbance from the service seekers.

While the clowns shout slogans and wave black flags outside, our sarkari hakims will be drinking tea and cracking jokes.  It’s fun to be a civil servant in this land of ours.  Even if you are caught taking bribes, you will be slapped with a suspension and then you go back to work as if nothing happened. 

The opposition clowns plan to do the usual natak for ten days.  And then it’s the same finale as usual… get  all your cadres to come to the capital, wave party flags, make hawa-tari speeches and go home. 
Instead of clogging up the streets with their cadres, why not book the national stadium?

We do have decent event managers in town. Get the right sound system and our buffoons can make their entry like the WWF wrestlers.  It’s just a matter of convincing our politicians to don tights and challenge their opponents in the ring.

The only politician who is into sports is Kamal Thapa but he watches too much religious Hindi TV serials. He wants to start a ‘Mahabharata’ war to and bring ‘Hindu’ back.  If he can recite the Bhagwad Gita and Mahabharata from memory then we can ask him to be the main priest at Pashupatinath.

Our ruling coalition parties have also announced that they will hold a mass assembly.  On January 29, our opposition wallahs will bang their drums and threaten to storm Baluwatar. The next day, our ruling Maharajas will get together and threaten to bulldoze the opposition. And valley residents will have to mark their calendars and make sure that they don’t have any bhoj on them days.

Waving black flags, gherao-ing the district administration offices across the country and holding mass assembly in the capital will not make Dr. Saheb leave Baulwatar.  Our political parties need to think out of the box. If they want the valley residents to wake up and take to the streets then organize a rally to demand  that the government complete its road widening projects by next month.

If the government still doesn’t given a damn then our opposition wallahs can gather their cadres and gather all the debris and dump it in front of the PM’s residence.  We can even ask our contemporary artists to build a monument from the debris and install it in front of Singha Durbar.

The same usual natak is a waste of time but of course, our clowns only know how to protest and shout stupid slogans. We are still waiting for a leader who will talk the talk and walk the walk. Most of us had high hopes on Dr. Saheb but he has proven to be just another slimy politician.

Maybe Ncell should hire him after he’s done with playing Prime Minister. He can come up with quirky campaigns every month. He can visit all the villages in the country as the brand ambassador for the company. At least, he won’t be wasting our taxpayers money then.

What would it take to get our clowns to come together and start over again? Our comrades now want to revive the dissolved Constituent Assembly.  Our opposition wallahs want a piece of the pie and are more than eager to sit on them kurchis.  Our buffoons really don’t care much about the constitution or rule of law. 

The country is going down the drain.  Maybe we should all get together and build a better drainage system so that our clowns will be swept away and we won’t have to deal with their stench.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Donations for Coventions



Our byaparis are finally tired of our political parties asking for voluntary donations.  The fake VAT bill wallahs would rather like to add them donations to their expense accounts so that they can pay less taxes. The byaparis want the caretaker government to introduce some kind of an ordinance that will allow them to deduct such donations as expenses rey.

But most of our leading business houses cook their books anyway, so it should not really make any difference to them. Their auditors can always come up with creative accounting tricks. If that doesn’t work, they can always make the Finance Ministry wallahs happy with free gift hampers.

Maybe our business wallahs should take to the streets and demand that the political parties be registered as private companies as well.  Maybe it would be better if they registered themselves as commercial banks so that the folks from Nepal Rastra Bank can then check their accounts now and then.

And when they publish their financial reports in our major dailies, we will have a rough idea of where their voluntary cash is going. Instead of holding conventions and chiya-paan karyakarms, why not hold an Annual General Meeting instead?

We can all buy shares of Mao Corp. or Madhesi Inc. and then ask them management teams on when we will get dividends and bonus shares. Our Emperor can even bag the highest individual taxpayer award every year. And he would probably be the only chairman in the world who gets a percentage of the company’s revenue instead of the profits. 

Baidya Uncle’s crew have shown us all what can happen if one refuses to voluntary donate cash to our political parties.  It seems like you can’t be a political cadre unless you know how to go on a rampage and vandalize stuff. The angry birds had quite a successful fundraising drive and we hope their convention will help them prepare for the eventual invasion of India.

As usual, the Desis are the enemies for our Baidya wallahs. They did try to scare us by banning Hindi movies a while ago. I guess the hall-wallahs paid some dough to our comrades to lift the ban.

They also don’t like the Amrikans. Let us not expect McDonald's to come to Kathmandu anytime soon. We really don't need them fast food wallahs... our vyar vyar momos and aloo chops will do kya.

Well, our comrades don’t like all capitalist pigs. But they want all the cash from the byaparis... I guess Baidya uncle should read his old communist notebooks once again hola.

Instead of asking for voluntary donations, why not go for a barter system instead?  The angry birds can come clean our homes and wash our clothes and we can pay them ni. Ani hami sabai khoosi… ki kaso? But of course, our cadres are lazy bums. They do know how to shout slogans and can do it all day and night.

FIFA has them Ballon d’or  award for the best football player in the world. Messi has now won it four times in a row. Our Emperor  should get some kind of an award for his dribbling skills but after scoring a few goals early on, he seems to be on a goal drought lately.

Somebody needs to remind Dr. Saheb that he too has a daughter and he needs to do more than just worry about staying in Baluwatar. The Dekendra Thapa murder case has shown us that our comrades are scared that they too will one day have to go to prison if they allow the case to move forward.

I think all them Kuirey countries should threaten to arrest our netas… comrades and congressis and the Madhesi gangsters as well.  And when they have nowhere to go, they will finally have to stay back in the capital and work on resolving the political crisis. And no five star resorts or free lunch for our clowns.... but we are not selfish like them.. .so we will provide free suntalas and badam ni.



Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Right Candidate



It’s about time our beloved President threw a fit. Our clowns really don’t seem to take him seriously at all. Next time, these clowns visit him to request another extension, he should jump from his chair and break a table and throw it out the window. 

He may need to take a few Karate lessons from our martial artists but his ‘break the table’ move could scare the daylights out of our clowns.

The President should lock all these buffoons in his living room and not let them out until they forge consensus to resolve the political crisis. 

He should not even provide any refreshment or else our freeloaders will spend thousands of Rupees in chiya and samosas at the expense our taxpayers.
 
Let them bring their own sleeping bags and cooking utensils. Binod Chaudhary can provide free Wai Wais and our local farmers can give a bora of Chiura. The Kalimati Vegetable Market can donate some onions, tomatoes and green chillies. 

I don’t think we need to teach our clowns how to make a mean Wai Wai Sadeko! 
 
The Kangaroos are still sticking with old man Sushil. He already has the credentials to be our Prime Minister. He has received the love from his own cadre. 

Jhallu got slapped and he got the kurchi. So, maybe the time is right for Sushil da to sleep in Baluwatar. At his age, he should be going on a religious pilgrimage instead of grabbing the kurchi.
 
Bijaya dai is already the deputy sheriff and he wants to be the first Madhesi Prime Minister. He has really worked hard to reform the police force by adding more SSPs than needed and transferring crooked cops to lucrative postings. 

He has wiped out corruption from the police force since most of his pals are on the most wanted list and our senior cops aren’t getting any dough from them.
 
Some of our clowns have even proposed co-Prime Ministers so that both of them can attend ribbon-cutting ceremonies in the East and the West at the same time. 

If we really want co-Prime Ministers, then the right candidates would be Madan Krishna and Hari Bansha. Our politicians lack sense of humor. The Maha Jodi could help us relieve the frustration of daily shortages. Instead of listening to the bhajans every morning, we can tune in to our radios and start the day with daily jokes from the co-Prime Ministers.
 
Our Emperor is back to his old crazy antics. If he was working for Google, the company would have launched a new product every week. The Emperor probably spends majority of his time, thinking of new circus acts.  Now, he has proposed having an independent person as the Prime Minister. 

Do we really need a civil society leader to sleep in Baluwatar? Most of them civil society leaders are affiliated to major political parties and they seem to be in a coma for the past six years.
 
The right candidate to lead the consensus government would be Rajesh Hamal. Finally, we will have someone who will not look like a Hobbit (with due respect to all the little people) when taking a picture with the Obamas.
 
When Hamal addresses the UN General Assembly, other world leaders will actually listen to him because he has a Masters in English. He does know when to pause during a speech and knows a thing or two about syllables and pronunciation. 

He will probably even quote the classics and knows when to raise his hand and shake his head to make a point.
 
Hamal is a hard worker and has been working in the film industry for the past two decades unlike our clowns who have never held a regular job. While most of our Kollywood actors and actresses seem to lack social etiquette, Hamal is respected by the masses and the so-called classes.
 
Our Emperor has his irritating juggling acts, Dr. Saheb has his ‘horse’s eyesight’ but our Rajesh Dai has his ‘Hand of Iron’. When Rajesh Dai speaks, we will listen. When there is injustice, he will be in the front line unlike our Dr. Saheb who goes to a radio station and apologizes but does nothing more.
 
Hamal will probably have the right words for all occasions. He must have thousands of filmy dialogue in his head. Unlike our clowns, who blame everyone else except their mothers, Hamal will blame himself if he can’t get thing done. 

And if nothing works out, he will leave and  go home and make more movies instead of hanging on to power.
 
Maybe, we should have non-political hardworking citizens to fill up the cabinet as well.  Puspha Basnet should head the Women & Children Ministry. She is a ‘doer’ and not a ‘talker’.

Former finance secretary Rameshwor dai should head the Finance Ministry. Then all our fake VAT bill wallahs will finally pay the taxes they have been evading so far. We need ‘real’ people to lead us instead of fake prophets and their band of snake charmers.