Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Bunking... all the way!

And you thought 'bunking' was something to do with school only ... well, you are wrong mister/mister-ni!

Our PM bunked a 'CA' meeting to go watch a 'Hindi' documentary, made by a Desi guy ... about them 'insurgency' stuff! And in them documentary, our Maoist leaders are talking in 'Hindi'... Lal Salaam, Bhai loag!

Our Mao-led government gave the Chief Saheb of the NA, only 24 hours to come up with his 'I am not a good boy' explanation! The Election Commission has been asking our politicians to send them their 'election expense' report for the last 240 days and they are still waiting!

Terai has been shutdown for the last six days ... maybe we should send Katoo-wall to Terai... maybe he can come up with something in less than 24 hours!

Chief Justice pani naya aunay-walla cha but our netas are still looking for 'afno manchey'... sabai thau ma afno manchey and all the ramro mancheys are moving to Bidesh!

I don't care about the Nepal Army or the PLA... we are facing not only water/ batti but also cooking gas/ petrol / saag paat & fall-full shortages as well! But our leaders are busy watching documentaries and are more interested to hire and fire government officials!

So, let's not blame them... after all they are busy 'playing games' and don't have the time to solve our problems!

Maybe we should invite Donald Trump and make him the 'Minister of Hiring & Firing!' .... and then he will buy Singha Durbar, make it a 'Trump Palace' and sell it to Rich Desis for billions!

After all, the Desis own majority of our newspapers, TV stations and nearly everything thing that makes money in KTM!

Let's get back to the 'documentary' story... why do our netas speak in 'Hindi' ... with Desi reporters? I don't know but maybe it's them Desi ghee and paan paraag... after all you can't forget them place where u spent a decade, listening to 'Hindi Bollywood Songs' , dreaming about 'taking over' Nepal!

Well, you did it! You are back and in the driver's seat. So why don't you buckle up and drive safely? But it looks like, our netas are driving @ 100 mph, on a one-way street!

When our leaders are breaking the rules, left and right then we must not expect our micro-bus drivers / motor-cycle wallahs and crazy cyclists to follow the rules!

So it's okay for our netas to bunk the meeting when we are all bunking school, office and whatever there is to be bunked!

Just think about it... if we all decided to go 'bunking' then Nepal kasley chalau nay ? Well ... let's call the Indian Raaj-Doodh, Mr. Rakesh Sood and find out why he's been running around like a monkey on crack!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Happy Mother's Day !

I love you, Mom!

Aama ko cooking is dah best! If sabai ko aama haru lay restoraa kholyo bhaney then what?

Mother knows best. You can argue all you want, you may think she knows nothing but at the end of the day, She is ... always... right.

You maybe 40 but Aama ko lagi, you are always in KG!

If your mother warned you about your so-called premi/premika then you better run a background check on him/her! Ladies ... u don't want to get married to Devdas!

It doesn't matter if ur woman is tall/short, dark/fair , skinny/chubby but if she's hi-maintenance then u r $%#@ed not only financially but everything-ly!

If only our politicians listened to their Moms, then we wouldn't be in such a mess! Aama Samuha taati-noo paryo, sab neta haru lai Jhaaroo lay danak diyo bhanay thik thau ma aucha ki?

Today, I am cooking for my mother. I am a bad cook. I know how to make 'Home Fries' and Karela fry. But I know she will love it. After all, your kid may be a jackass but to a mother... he or she is a beautiful jackass!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Loktantra Diwas!

Happy Loktantra Diwas to all our Desh-Premi folks! Well, Our Chief Saheb is drinking wine while the Maobaddies are trying to figure out why their 'so-called' game plans are not working! And our other parties are busy kissing India's arse and going along with the flow!

And our lover-boy Kishunji is finally climbing the stairway to heaven! Yes, I am a rude jackass but when it's time to go... it's time to go and thanks Kishunji for all your nautanki nataks. Na ta Melamchi ko paani khana payo na Singapore nai bhayo! But at least, you got a better deal than rest of us , old man.... free housing, medical benefits and a masti with a younger hasti!

ANA Model Hunt 2009! Is this kind of a jungle safari thing where u go hunting for models? I guess we all want to be Super-Maadals ... be it Nepal or Amrika! ANA used to be a place where u drank, hit each other with a bottle of Heineken , played soccer as if it was the World Cup and party all night!

I guess the tide has changed... now it's about beauty contests? And what's up with 'phone' auditions... I don't know who came up with this idea but how do you judge... I mean, the one with the 'sexy' voice gets to the next round or do you want a 'husky' one like Kathleen Turner?

Anyways, good luck to all the ladies and ledas. Happy Hunting! And Good luck to Mr. and Ms. Tasvir-Priya? And I thought Darjeeling folks were hardcore-nepali language fanatics ... maybe they have all moved to Amrika! But whoever came up with the idea of 'Tasvir-Priya' titles must be deported or elected as the new President of the 'NRN' sanghathan!

Okay, I don't want to piss our Dazzy bros and sis because nearly all of them are doing great in KTM! 99% of them are employed, make more than 25,000 Rupees a month and 50% are musicians, RJs and them media-ma-kaam garney while the other 49% are getting ziggy with NGOs, INGOs jobs!

What about the 1%... well, we all have our lazy bums, don't we?

And our Tharu brothers are splitting.... it's the same old story. Team 'A' wants to shut down Madesh forever and show us their 'Laathi' skills but the 'B' Team is like... 'Man, we can make more money if we follow the 'Mao' formula!' , Yes... let's boot & loot and shoot some folks!

This is 'Halla -eye- Halla' ko desh. Our patrakar folks are now going around town talking about 'military coup' and the Maobadis are talking about the 'final showdown' and our foreign agents are talking about 'What's wrong with these Nepalese taukeys... why do they always fight with each other?'

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Bam-ey Live!

I normally dress like a hobo but when it comes to Weddings and funerals then I dress up as if I am attending the Oscars!

I went to this 'Suit' place and asked the guy to make me a nice suit, like the one(s) Obama wears! The guy promised me that even Obama would be jealous and handed me a bill for Rs 12,500!

tYAS-KO-BAU KO tOO-P-PEE! (Yes, we are not crude like them Amrikans and their 'Yo Mama!' jokes... ) WTF is wrong with KTM? And he gave me a discount... 1,000 off... not even 10%! Okay, kapada straight from Italy rey... guff na-deu daju!

A week later, I went to this Wedding hoping to patau-o some single ladies! Here I go again ... a naari-friend of mine thinks I am trying to write a keto haru ko 'Sacks in the City' thing!

I handed the gift to the newly weds and nearly tripped over a 'gamala' . Not a good start... hot ladies giggling, mero kaan raato and trying to find the baato out of the reception room!

I headed straight to the bar and asked for a peg of whisky. And my cousin is like, 'Bro, don't drink it ... might be nakkali!'

So I dumped the whisky in another 'gamala' and asked for a glass of beer and my cousin once again began his 'Don't drink it... it's ' and I said, 'Stop it ... don't tell me what not to drink!'

And he got all mad and shouted as if I had slept with his girlfriend, 'Don't call me in the middle of the night to drop you home when you are drunk and blind...'

Brother, chill... I thought only Viagra made u blind and now it's Nepali raksi! Anyways, I decided to grab a small glass of 'gulio' wine and it tasted like ... 'chini-paani' and then the big guy made his appearance.

Everyone was whispering ... people were acting as if 'Mithun Chakraborthy' was in town. What's happening? Bhoot ayo ki kya ho? No, it was Baam-Dave, our Home Minister. And he had his security guys, one Armed Police Force officer, another Nepal Army dude with a revolver and other plain clothes 'nautanki' guys following him as if he was going to get lost!

After meeting and greeting the newly-weds, Bam Dev was sitting alone and then a family of three joined him with plates full of chillo-party palace khana (because all the seats were taken and that was the only empty table!).

His security guys were all standing in line to get their dinner and he was all alone, eating fruits and vegetables! Nobody was bothering him... KTM is now like NYC ... the cost of living is @#$! and so is the attitude! Really?

The only problem is your weekly 'Nepali' paycheck is enough to last only 37.32 minutes @ a KTM bar whereas 'hourly' pay in NYC is enough to get u a cheap blow job!

Bam Dev must be really doing Ram Dev... he's now eating phal-phool and saag-paat. Well, many years ago he was busy drinking Black Labels and playing 'marriage'... nowadays he's busy closing down Thamel early and driving around with his entourage... doing nothing!

For a second, I did think about our political leaders. If someone really wanted to do a hit... it's not that difficult but nobody has tried it because we are all busy killing each other!

I am not saying ... 'let's do a Rang De Basanti' but once in a while, wouldn't it be fun if someone blew up our netas? Yes, I am a sick-o!

At least during them 'Bhimsen thapa' ko pala ma, the big 5 Chettri families were busy killing each other. Yes, our leaders should start killing each other rather than making us fight over little things!

Even the Ranas were good @ killing their own but we have to give it to our netas. 10 years of so-called 'People's War' and not even one 'neta' got whacked!

I think I should stop eating Chicken Chilly and Buff Momos... should learn from the 'Bammer' ... stick to vegetables and learn some breathing techniques.

Yes, we all want 'Peace' ... that's what we heard but our leaders just want a 'Piece' ...of the pie!

And for us, they are happy to give us a 'tie' so we can hang ourselves and ... die?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Oh La La !

Went to this 'Animation Festival' thing @ the Alliance Francaise. I love the Frenchies... because with the French, it's cool to smoke and drink ... unlike the stuffy British or arrogant Americans, try smoking inside the British Council or the American Library!

It was supposed to start @ 6 pm but this is Nepal and we have to give it to them foreigners... when in Nepal, they become Nepali, so the show started @ 6:53. Then came the rain and a guy with a big stick (no, I am not talking about body parts here!) was trying his best to 'jhaaring pani from the tent'...

There were like 30-40 people, 70% were students @ Alliance Francaise and 20% kids with their French Dads and Nepali Moms and 10%... folks like us who have nothing better to do @ 6 on a Friday evening!

A French guy began with his 'Welcome' address then asked this guy from Maya Animation Academy to talk about his school and stuff. I don't know if our Nepzie guy was hit by a micro-bus but he was talking as if he had a pine cone stuck up his arse!

C'mon man... you are supposed to be this 'creative' guy with full of crazy ideas not some bum with a bad attitude! I don't know but maybe that's how our 'thulo manchey's are... and then he showed us some animated clips from Maya.

One was 10 seconds long. It was about... err.. just the 'Maya' Animation Academy ko logo and the other was like 2 minutes long ... about a guy with probably the longest nose in the world, playing with his holy beads, staring @ the moon and saying 'May Peace Prevail in MY country' and then he spent another 27 minutes talking about how this short film was made.

That's it... if you give the Indians 2 minutes, they will come up with hot 'Maggi' chow-chow, if you give the white girls 2 minutes, they will achieve 'fake' multiple orgasm but for our 'Maya' folks , 2 minutes is too short. And if you are a horny bastard then in 2 minutes... okay let's stop this '2 minutes' game! Well, technical skills matra bhayara bhaya-nuh, story pani cha-hi-yo" or as the Californians say, 'foreplay is more important than the actual ...'

And since all the seats were taken, I had to sit up front with the 'Frenchie' kids. A seven year old, illegitimate son of Sarkozy punched me in my Dhaad and motioned me to move aside because I was blocking his view.

Give this a kid a glass of wine and non-filter Camel! That would calm him down! His mom was like, "Sorry..." and I really wanted to reply back in French but then I realized that the only Frenchie word I knew was 'Bon Appetit' but I should have said that because she was enjoying her sandwich!

Then after making all of us fall asleep by his 'loshay' bhasan , the guy from Maya Academy finally stepped away and then began the 'Bideshi' animated shorts. There were few good ones but most of them had something to do with conflict. Yes, we have heard about them concentration camps, the Jew-Paley conflict and what not but why can't our European friends make 'funny' stuff like them Americans?

And our Nepali folks were busy talking and bitching about how they couldn't understand what this or that short film was about. What is this, a freaking critic's convention? Just shut up and stick to your 'Je m'appelle... Rita or Roshan' and enjoy the show!

Free screening, free refreshments and what more do you need... so my advice to all our young folks who are studying film or some other artsy subjects... just stay where u are and wait tables until the day you break into Hollywood or Bollywood but please don't come back to Kollywood and if you do then don't even think about making a movie or some crazy 'art' stuff because it won't work here!

If this 'free' screening stuff was happening somewhere else then maybe only four people would show up. Yes, the guy handling the projector, the guy with the DVD and two guys who are friends with guys who are handing the projector and the DVD!

And last year, I paid 30 Rupees for the 'documentary festival' natak brought to you by the Dixits (Himal Media) and there were like 10 people. And yes, 4 of them were employees of Himal Media! Then we had two Nepali directors ... so let's do the math!

Okay, Kathmandu International Mountain Film Festival was a different story. Sari Soldiers ko screening ma seat nai pugay-na rey! I didn't go but "Excusez-moi" ... won't there be some kind of a conflict of interest when you are the film festival director and you are also screening your own 'documentary' ... well, who the @#$! cares?

But they should change the name, please omit 'Mountain' ... coz nothing 'himali' was going on @ KIMFF ! And what do they do with them $$$ they get from the INGOS ... yes, all our artsy stuff is funded by 'khuires' ... even the Gurkul family and other theater-wallahs and all that 'painting' stuff as well.

Yes, Nepali mora-mori haru phokat ma pani audaina ... INGO ko paisa na-paya ... hamra 'arty' folks will starve to death! So don't get too excited (our folks who are in bidesh!) when u hear about film festivals and them theater scene ... all rocking and happening! It's rocking for the organizers ($$$) and not for the artists!

So, the best option would be to come back home, organize a 'film festival' (after you get all the funding from the khuires!) and then screen your own 'home-made' movies and call it "Kathmandu Independent Film Festival" .... KIFF! Maybe we should ask the KIMFF folks to do just that!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Daman - Part II

Another hour of talking and smoking and we finally reached Daman. Maybe I can't appreciate natural beauty (someone call Dr. Sigmund Frooti!) or something wrong with my head, but I didn't find anything interesting once we got there.

I hear this place is packing when there is snow. We waited for another hour and finally the rest of the gang showed up! Finally, we got our 'Bhaley'... daal bhaat and raksi and what not!

Another hour spent cracking jokes and my ass was numb like hell. I have never been on a bike for longer than 20 minutes but three hours and you feel like your ass is going to fall off! I wonder how the ladies do it when they go on so-called long drive with their BFs!

Then our 'smart' friends started playing the 'What's behind the name' game! According to one hip-hop lover, Daman is actually 'Da Man' ... we had one Bollywood-inspired guy who said, "Daman means to give or help the poor or something like that '... I don't know if that's true but who the @#$! cares!

It was my turn and being a fool , I just blurted out , "Daman means ... uh... uh.. to exploit, discriminate... it means to repress or something like that?" and all of the happy bikers looked at me as if I was a card-carrying member of the Maobadi Party! What do u expect from a guy who scored 35 in his SLC 'Nepali' exam?

And our friendly 'gal' just rolled her eyes and gave me that look, 'You are stupid, aren't u?' and I just agreed with her telepathically. And then I cracked a joke. I thought it was funny but I forgot we had ladies around!

I guess no more listening to Sean Paul ... and there goes my dream of ever singing to her 'shake dat booty... turn it round and round' while she demonstrates it physically!

I don't know what's the deal with 'local' masu and gau ko daal bhaat! For me, a daal bhaat is a daal bhaat ... I must get my tongue checked. KTM's pollution has blocked my nose forever and now it must be playing tricks with my taste buds as well.

After taking pictures of ... I don't know bato ghato, dada kada and jhyang bhanjhyang...we decided to head back home! Another 3+ hours... and this time, no guff-suff only small talk like, "Jaado Bhayo?" as if she was going to give me her jacket, "Euta Churot Salkau na". From a potential date... I was now just another man Friday!

She dropped me off ... we bid farewell telepathically ... again! Got home, took a quick shower and went straight to bed. I would rather attempt to climb Mt. Everest (even if it means I may not come back alive!) but I am never going to go on a bike tour, short or long.... going to Thamel from Lalitpur is long-distance for me and I won't feel like a tractor ran over my ass!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Daman - Part I

My friends decided to go on a 'Wild Hog' trip to Daman. Well, none of us are suffering from mid-life crisis (we're not there yet!) but we thought a 'boys only' trip to some dada outside the Valley would be a great idea to celebrate the New Year.

We were supposed to begin our 'biker's day' @ 8 in the morning. But thanks to the 'Nepali time' ... we finally managed to get our gang together @ 11:30 but then we had a problem.

A friend's sister decided to join us. Her brother was cool with that but I wasn't. I became the 'unlucky' guy to ride with her. So it wasn't 'Boys only' thing. My good friend had brought along his wife and his sister ... he should have brought the whole family!

I am okay with ladies in scooties but in a mo'bike... it's like the WWF ladies, they are hot but they look manly enough to eat you alive (I meant that in a cannibalistic way!)

And here was this 100 lbs lady riding a 150cc bike! The way she was staring at me, I figured... I should trust her with my life and just be a quiet sack of potatoes!

How much space should there be between the rider and the passenger? Our 'fast and furious' gal wasn't happy with my hesitation. So I said... 'WTF!' ... to myself and just jumped on the bike and tried to place myself as far away as possible.

She said "Kahiley Bike Ma chaday-chaina ki kya ho?" Usually, your friend's (younger) sister also adds 'Tapai' in the beginning of any conversation. Okay, no tapai or mapai... so I tried the best position attainable without physically touching her.

I didn't want her to get the wrong idea or maybe I was getting the wrong idea! Then our journey began and I realized that I should have worn a helmet. I don't know what's the deal with girls and speed.

I have seen ladies drive like crazy, esp Nepzie girls ... going like 80 when the speed limit is like 55. +10 is okay... but driving like a wanna-be Nascar driver is not okay! But that was in Bidesh, but Swadesh ma pani... if only ladies were running this country then hamro desh bholi nai bikash huncha!

Our 'super' woman was driving like crazy and she was asking me all kinds of questions! Trying to carry out a conversation while speeding is not a good idea. I had no choice but to physically remove my head and place it beside her right cheek!

By the time we reached the 'This Way to' Daman sign... her brother and the rest of the gang were still somewhere in Thankot! We rested for a while. She gave me a 'chuing' gum and I offered her smokes!

Okay, I am a bad guy. I didn't have anything else ... I was just kidding but I don't know why but a woman with a cigarette makes my heart (Dil goes) mmmmm! She lighted her cigarette, blew gum bubbles and talked about her 'goofy-arse' guy-classmates!

This girl is going to go places. She is really good at this 'multi-tasking' stuff. She can do >3 things @ the same time. I can only do one and I usually fail to accomplish whatever I am doing...

I thought it was a good idea to wait for the rest of the gang but she was like 'r u kidding, why the hell are these jokers driving @ 20 Kms per hour?' .. Okay, fine with me. We rode again... I was still carrying my head as if I was shaking a coconut! Hope my 'guffs' were music to her ear?

Another hour and we stopped for a while and she was walking around them 'huts' asking for 'Bhaley' . I thought it must have been her former boyfriend whom she had dumped many years ago. What's with the village lads... something they have that we don't?

After following her ... I realized that she wanted to find a place where they made local 'Bhaley' ko masu? So we drove all the way here to eat a 'Bhaley' and daal bhaat! Must be a really delicious bhaley or what?

Then she took out her... IPOD and asked me to listen to her fav. song ... by Sean Paul!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Empty Promises!

Our daily papers are plastered with ads from raksi companies... promoting the 'New Year's Eve' parties as if we are all making loads of money. We are Nepalese, it doesn't matter if we are completely broke ... we will keep on partying as if the Sultan of Brunei is our Thulo Bau!

So are we better off than we were a year ago? We should ask this question to our political leaders! Them politicians in foreign lands do make crazy promises but once they get elected... they are stressed out and get older and tired because they can't deliver.

And what about our leaders? It's just the opposite. Our leaders are all stressed out before the election but if they are lucky enough to get elected (even after promising us the moon!) then they become young, wild and crazy.

It must be like that guy in 'The curious case of Benjamin Button' for our leaders! And by the time Obama leaves office, he will leave with all grey hair... but our netas look happier, richer and something in our KTM's water which makes their waistlines expand. And this all happens while they are in office!

We have given our leaders a simple task. Just work together and write a good constitution. But our politicians are behaving as if we have given them boxing gloves to put on a show or something!

Finance Minister BRB is acting like them Amriki hip-hop stars, bringing out a diss record against the Supreme Court. The tape is titled 'Jail us if you can'.... I don't understand why our Maobaddie ministers are suffering from multiple personality disorders.

Sometimes, they act like they are in the opposition and when they have finished eating lunch, then they act like they want to be treated as if they are not a government with power!

When our Desi bhais gave our CA members Indian buses, the public was like 'Burn them' ... our leaders have decided to park it somewhere inside the CA building. But why didn't we get pissed off when the same Desis gave us 'Electronic Voting' machines during the recent by-elections?

One year... and the Maobadis have failed to deliver... but the question is , Rana-Panchey-Kangress lay kay nai deliver garyo ruh? Our job is to keep our mouth shut, endure the 'whatever' shortages we face and party as if it's 1999!

And if our leaders keep on fighting like local goondas then we won't have any constitution at all. But who the @#$! needs a constitution? I don't, do you?

This is Nepal. Everything looks good on paper but .... you know the story!

Happy New Year 2066! Yes, we are (57) years ahead in ... making empty promises!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Half Call !

I have finally decided what to do with my life! Yes, I just wanna live when I am alive... (It's my Life!), said Mr. Bon Jovi! Didn't have much to do this afternoon, so I decided to grab a soda, HaldiRam ko Bhujiya and Kit-Kat and enjoy 'whatever' Bollywood movie was playing on TV!

If you want to be a scientist then be a great scientist... if you want to be a grass-cutter (landscaping) guy then be the greatest grass-cutter in the world! No, my Dad did not say that. Pretty Jean-Ta ko Buwa was telling that to (R)Hit--Hick Roshan!

After drinking 1 ltr Coke, a packet of Bhujiya and Kit-Kats... the lights went off! I don't know what happened at the end but it was a good movie. Don't know why our Desi folks didn't like it when 'Lakhsya' came out in 2004!

Anyways, the last time I watched a 'Bollywood' movie was ... last year! Aamir khan ko bhanja ko movie! Went to the movie with my naari-friend, then went to jail for beating up a khaney paani ko engineer, got my nose fractured ... thanks to the local Don and the only thing I haven't done so far to complete that 'Rathod' from Ranjhor natak ... I am still looking for a horse!

I don't understand women. They are like... black hole. Oops... once again I am not good with analogies! What I mean is... "Black Hole is a mysterious object, yet to know completely by man." I heard that from a Desi Dude who got dumped by his Chinese girlfriend ... @ CBGB! Well, CBGB closed down and Lucy Lu moved to Nashville!

Okay, let's get back to my life. I have finally decided what to do in KTM. Yes, Dad and Mom.. I wanna be a taxi driver. If I tweak the meter by half call (whatever that means?) then I make 50 Rs more... if I go a step further and put 'Ek' Call then I will make 100 Rs more from another KTM sucker!

No, I won't do that. That was Meatloaf! I am not going to be driving around, looking for trouble or saving some Jodie Foster. I just want to be a good taxi driver, driving Aunties to beauty salons...( sorry, it's them Spas these days... Foxy 'Botox' Lady!), Uncles to 'Dohori' restaurants, nanis to Sherpa Mall and Nanas to so-called underground Hip-Hop concerts!

Taxi fare is @#$!ing crazy in KTM! I go to the same bar every weekend. If it's a good/ no hanky panky meter than it's only 192 NRs. If half-call then 242, if one-call then 300! And if the guy is crazy and the meter says '400' Rupees then it's a punch in the face and a boot in the teeth for that arsehole!

Well, I didn't beat the guy to death but gave him 500 Rupees and wished him 'bad luck' , praying that someday a crazy wacko in KTM , with an Indian home-made pistol will blast his balls off into oblivion!

Oblivion? WTF? I did it. Finally I used a 'gaaro' angrezi word, although I have no idea what it means. Yes, Miss A ... can u please stop teasing me about my 'is, was, does, this , that' khaal-ko-English.

I am not the one writing proposals to INGOs asking for $$$ to save Nepal. Nothing wrong with that. Good job but I don't think 1 corore ko Prado ma chadera desh bikash huncha ni nani saheb!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

NA vs PLA !

The Nepal Army and the Maoist Army is at it again. What the @#$! is going on? The National Games is being organized after 9 years and thanks to our PM, the PLA folks got to participate at the last minute.

Our PM is a funny guy. He isn't worried about load shedding, water/fuel/security problems. He would rather go around dancing to local folk tunes or play the 'I wanna be a Viking' games rather than tackle the problems the country is facing!

The organizers of the National Games shit their pants when the PM called and ordered them to include the PLA 'sports' folks. If the PLA sporty folks wanted to participate in the National Games then they should have sent their application forms (or whatever it is) earlier not @ the last minute!

And our PM and the Maoist leaders don't want to lose face either so they do all they can to make their karykartas happy! So when the PLA folks were welcomed to participate... our NA folks decided to walk away!

PLA says 'We are also security folks!' so we should participate. They are right... our PLA brothers and sisters are getting allowances, food, shelter @ taxpayers expenses and so is our NA folks who are busy doing nothing.

The PLA and NA are busy doing nothing. So why not disband them all? We don't need the Nepal Police either. Disband them all! Then we can be like Somalia or Haiti! After all, a bunch of hooligans can bring Terai to a halt and the government can't do shit about it!

And our PLA brothers and sisters are bored to death... cause they don't have to fight anyone but they are busy playing Kung-Fu with each other. Lot of our PLA naaris are pregnant! And thanks to us, the taxpayers...we are footing their maternity bills as well!

At the end of the day... it's the same story! By next year, we will be feeding our Madeshi militant brothers and our Pahadi 'freedom fighters' as well! So if you want free dineros then join a militant outfit and pray that the government will hold talks and pay you off!

I would have loved to see the PLA and NA going at each other. Yes, decide who's stronger with a football game. If the PLA wins then they can brag about it until the world ends and if the NA wins ... well, they can be proud of the fact that they finally beat the PLA not with sophisticated weapons but with Chinese football boots!

It's funny that our Finance Minister, DJ BRB and our Home Minister Bam are making it a big issue. Do your job, arseholes! Raise all the taxes you want and close down Thamel forever but leave it to our Sports Minister to cry and bitch about this issue!

But the problem with our Sports Minister is that he suffers from some kind of a sleeping disease. Due to his health problems, he tends to fall asleep anytime... anywhere! It's all about the money.. crores of Rupees being spent ... organizing this so-called 'National Games' and somebody has to make some dough... I guess our PLA folks didn't get enough to stay out of it!

Everything in Nepal has to be politicized or else bhaat nai rooch-dai-nuh... now our political players are moving from the battle fields to the sports arena... what's next?

Can't we decide this natak once and for all... instead of running around the track, why don't you guys duke it out in Tundhikhel. Kill each other and get done with it ... instead of wasting our money!

If we keep on fighting like this then don't be surprised if Paras bro makes a comeback. Yes, laugh all you want. We laughed @ them Maoists with their bharu-wa banduk and look where we are today. We can laugh @ Paras and who knows ... according to our Hindu astrologers, Paras ko nidhaar ma Raaja banna lekhe-ko cha rey!

If Paras becomes the almighty Emperor then I will probably move to Jumla because I don't want to be in KTM when he's driving drunk and crazy. I will be happy watching 'Girls Gone Wild' rather than 'Paras Gone Wild'

I really feel sorry for our athletes... they get paid peanuts, and they have to be happy with their so-called diet of boiled channas and milk tea while our so-called sports officials have all the fun!

This is Nepal... Kaam garney kalu , makai khaney bhaloo! Kalu does all the work and the Bear eats the Corn! How come our Nepali jokes doesn't sound funny when we do them Angrezi translation!

Monday, April 6, 2009


A friend of mine is now a proud owner of a 'Party Palace' ... now he can tell his 'khuire' friends that he owns a Palace! He wants to offer healthy, not-so-oily khana to his guests. And his 2 million Rupees investment will probably go down the drain if he follows this 'health is wealth' formula!

We are Nepalese... we don't want them 'organic' stuff. If the food is not chill-O, Pee-RO, Bhoo-Tay-KO then the party folks will burn down the place. He spent thousands of rupees in them 'chillo kagaz ko' menus! I know he is a creative guy but when I checked them menus... I was shocked.

No, there weren't pictures of hot ladies dressed up as vegetables or some angry butcher get nasty with a Khasi... this guy was offering SNAKES as appetizers!

God must be crazy. Well, my friend must be crazy. We are not in China and we are not Chinese. If we were in China then we can cook anything from monkeys to donkeys but this is Nepal. Lot of party palaces don't even offer ' Buff' because that would offend our high-class, khandani BCT (Bhramin - Chetrri - Thakuri) crowd!

So what the hell is he doing by buying containers full of snakes from China? So I asked him, "So when do I get to eat some snakes?" ... and he looked at me as if I had been smoking crack!

I looked at the menu. He looked at the menu. He tore up the menu and shouted, "Ma-Chi- Saley, Bhaa-tey... gadha lay satya-naash garyo"

He gave this 'design & print' contract to his cousin, a nice chubby guy who once proclaimed, "nobody designs better than me... I am the best" ... well, he may be the best but somebody forgot to proofread the thing before printing it!

I knew our 'design' guru wasn't good @ spelling. I did check out his website and it was funny. He may be good with graphics but somebody needs to teach him how to use the 'Spell Checker' ... it's not that difficult, is it?

I wanted to ask our 'flash' guru ... how do you 'chick' your mail? And what's up with this 'SAND' feedback!

So what do we do now? Will our friend print new menus? No, I have been given the responsibility of pasting 'SNACKS' on ten thousand menus! Why me? I can't believe this... I should start following the 'See-Hear-Speak ... No Evil' mantra!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Doing Nothing!

Mr. PM is back after hanging out with our Scandinavian friends. Our leaders brag about how much aid they bring back. I guess they are no different than our beggars in KTM.

At least the beggars will feed their families but our leaders and their cronies will only feed themselves! Don't be surprised if our sarkari folks build bridges even where there are no rivers! After all... we have to show our 'friends' where we spent their dough!

This 'hydropower' natak has been going on for the last 50 years and nothing much will happen in the next 50 years... then we can celebrate '100 years' of 'nothing happening' ... we will celebrate it by doing nothing!

It's not that our bideshi friends don't want to throw us few pennies but our local baasis are now busy asking for donations from everybody except the government.

If you want to build new roads in remote villages (with your own money!) then be prepared to be swarmed by villagers asking you to pay the 'we live here , so you better cough up some money, m@#$f@#$er' tax!

If you don't then you better get ready to be pelted by stones and what not! It's the same thing with hydropower projects. Nobody is going to risk their billions in a country where three men can disrupt a highway, close down factories and prevent our Scandinavian friends from making more billions!

The Bideshis will make billions, our netas will make millions and we have to make ourselves happy with stale-onions

The government is planning to arrest our so-called 'bank loan' defaulters. Yes, yes... we have heard it before! Take away their passports. No problem... they will get a new one. Freeze their bank accounts? Ha ! Ha! Only small people like us have bank accounts. These 'smart' folks own the banks!

Halla is... tomorrow is Nepal Bandh! Some say it's the Sukumbasis or the Maoist Victims or Matrika or some other left-wing parties! God Knows.... I (we) want to break free!

Prachandu will be eating 'Chicken Fly Lie' next month. He will be in China learning tai-chi from the Chinese. And our madeshi brother, the Foreign Minister will be getting some 'oriental' massage as he runs around ASEAN countries this week.

Life is beautiful for our netas... for the rest of us, life goes on!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Crazy Gringo!

Lazy Gringo is a nice little 'Burrito' place in Jawlakhel. It is owned by Amrikanos and they make decent so-called 'Arizona' style Mexican rotis! But too much beans and you will have enough gas to make a Hydrogen Bomb!

Amrikanos are usually nice people. They are frank, friendly and fabulous (College girls on Spring Break!) but some of them are really @#$!ing arrogant and rude! And today must have been my lucky day ... finally met a crazy gringo (after many months!) and if it wasn't for my friend, I swear to Allah... I would have thrown that bastard out the window!

Dude, we are not in New York anymore! You are in Nepal... and please don't act all big and mighty with your 'first world' attitude! Just because you can't smoke inside a bar in NYC doesn't mean ... the same rule applies here in KTM!

And sorry... I should have asked you if you liked it before I blew smoke in your face. Nobody told you to stand in front of me... if you want fresh air then go to Nagarkot or ABC trekking or something!

And please don't give me the BS about how @#$!ed up our society is... yes, KTM is dusty, polluted and we may be laid-back but that doesn't mean we are lazy and uncivilized.

Our Gringo should be happy that (US Embassy ko vehicle hits a young kid and he is in a coma but) we are not burning tyres in front of the Amriki Embassy... because our politicians don't want to mess with the Amrikanos! Yes, David Bowie was right. I'm Afraid of Americans!

Our leaders are scared of China too! Why are our leaders worried about a bunch of Tibetans protesting in front of the Chinese Embassy? Yes, we are funny people. We will destroy public property if the Desis bitch about us but when it comes to the Chinese or the Amrikanos then we just put up and shut up!

And what's wrong with taking pictures of the Amriki Embassy? It's about time we stand up for our right to take pictures anywhere we want! This is our country, we shouldn't be dragged inside the Amriki Embassy compound and questioned by so-called Amriki officials like we are bunch of Talibans!

Okay, let's get back to the story. Our crazy 'gringo' was talking about how he hooked up with a Nepali girl and she turned out to be a psycho! Just because she's txting u five times a day doesn't mean she's desperate! Maybe she likes you and just wants to be your friend!

Isn't it much better than going to a club every weekend (back home!) hoping to get laid and not getting laid at all? And it's a sad story for our Amriki folks who are getting laid off left and right. It really sucks when u r broke and you are not getting any action. It's like a double whammy... yes, I would like a 'Double Whopper' please!

Things I miss about Amrika ... Burger King , Film Forum, The Grey Dog's Coffee (Carmine St.) and the Mexican drug dealer and her home-delivery service! Okay that was TMI! My bad!

Thank God u r in Nepal and folks are nice and friendly and not everyone is thinking of exchanging bodily fluids... maybe she just wants to exchange business cards! Yes, Networking is in ... @#$!ing is out!

And to all our Khuire-nis... u can wear your tank tops, minis ... u can even walk around naked in KTM and nobody is going to come after you! This is Nepal not Afghanistan. You don't have to cover your knees. I was reading this article from some Amriki chick who goes to Cornell (she's in KTM right now!) and she was bitching about how conservative we are.

Just because her Nepali room-mate tells her that it's not good to show some skin... she writes some 'oh! these ppl are so conservative' for her school newspaper! I guess it's time to find a new room-mate and maybe go to Dr. Sanduk Ruit. He is famous for his stamina... at the operating table!

Maybe we are conservative but nobody is going to stone you to death for showing your arms and legs! C'mon... if you are so into this 'third world' natak then please go to Afghanistan. Maybe they will treat you better and you can learn how to wear a Burkha!

Nothing wrong with wearing a burkha either but I don't think everyone in Amrika is walking around like Britney Spears or them Hip-Hop Divas! I think we should hold a really progressive dance party for our khuire-folks who fail to adapt and can't enjoy their stay!

How about a nice dance party... open bar (yes, we know you guys... cheap bastards!), free snacks (u guys can gobble down more Momos than us!) and clothing is optional (then u don't have to worry about covering anything!). You can shake it, flaunt it and get over it!

p.s. Nothing against the 'infidels' but once in a while ... it's fun to talk shit about the white folks!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Yes Minister!

Mr. Bam Dev was visiting our local "District Development Committee" office with our friends from UK. A British mantri is in town and our folks are busy kissing his arse. Well, they must have really done their job well because the Belayati folks have promised us billions of Rupees!

But why the #$@! do you need to close the road? We were gently asked by our 'Nepali' Cops to stop our bike and take another route. 'The Minister is coming'... and so we were asked to take a detour!

I think it would be much better if we ask the British to give us 30+ helicopters so that we can ferry our political leaders straight to Singha Durbar rather than creating traffic problems on our already congested KTM streets!

Can we afford it? Yes, We Can! RNAC has more than 1,800 employees and only one freaking plane. We have more than 170,000+ security folks and our 19,000 PLA brothers and sisters. And we have millions of government employees who are busy with their 'Hata' (Hajir and then TA-TA!).

As long as we keep on begging and our foreign donors keep on giving (of course with strings attached!)... we can afford anything! Our ministers are driving around in gas-guzzling SUVs while we have to wait for hours to fill up our tanks (yes the fuel shortage is back again because our tanker-wallahs don't want to get rid of them old tankers!).

There are two laws in Nepal... one for the ordinary folks like us and one for 'afno mancheys'... and if you are smart then you will stop thinking about changing the system and instead find ways to beat the system!

And there are folks like us .... who don't want to join the system, can't beat the system but just hope that one day, this system will change by itself! But maybe that is just wishful thinking on our part!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Express Service!

I am probably one of the laziest person on Earth. But my dear friend, Mr. J is like #1 if there was some kind of world ranking on this thing! I would probably be in the top 10!

Mr. J lost his driver's license few weeks ago. He doesn't care... but our Nepali Cops do care and if they ever catch you without a license then it's worse than being caught in a tsunami.

So off we went to the 'Kathmandu Metropolitan Traffic Police Office'. We went to this little shed where you buy all kinds of traffic-related forms. The guy was busy Xeroxing... and after 15 minutes, he finally gave us the 'lost license' form for ten Rupees!

Then we moved to the Canteen, ordered black tea and asked a traffic cop (who was busy eating fried fish and milk tea... nice combo!) for assistance. After filling up the form, he kindly let us know that it would take another 4-5 days to do all the 'check if this guy has any traffic violation' thing.

And then God sent us an angel. Well, it was the same traffic cop... he promised to do it in 15 minutes. Wow! Express service... finally Nepali government offices are listening to our PM's 'krantikari' speeches!

There's no such thing as free lunch. I don't know who said that but our angel took the form and asked for 200 Rupees! My friend didn't want to part with his pocket money (yes, we lazy bums are still asking our parents... and so is former Crown Prince Paras!) but I had to strangle him before he came to his senses!

This is Nepal! Wake up and smell the Bagmati river! Either we come after 4-5 days and spend another four hours running from one room to another or we pay our traffic 'Dai' 200 rupees and get done with it!

200 rupees and 15 minutes later... we had our 'sifaris' and headed to the 'Yatayat' in Lalitpur for a new license! Our government brothers were busy drinking tea and smoking! Can u believe it? Drinking tea!

Our Karmarchari raja-sahebs asked us to come on Sunday (Friday... Sarkaari Bida Rey... Ram ko Janma din ho ki tyastai ke ho!) and because it was already 2 pm and they had send the 'dhatta' (well ... the book with all them names and numbers of license holders!) to some other room!

Nepali Government Office TYAM (NGOT) is until 5 pm! So what do these sons of seedless cucumbers do from 2 till 5 pm? I don't know... but you have to really be a Superman to be jerking off for the next three hours? Okay, that's too harsh... maybe a batman or a spiderman!

I think another 200 rupees would have done it again but my friend was giving me the 'Not again.. I would rather drink Cafe Latte than bribe these arseholes!' look!

We must give it our government guys. You can travel around the world in less than 24 hours but a 'Nepali government file' takes more than a week to jump from one room to another!

Tomorrow is a government holiday... Saturday is 'bida ko din'! Time to drink 'Red Label' and play 'Marriage' Yippee! ... our government folks are having all the fun. Joon Sarkar aya pani... karmachari haru kai raaj!

My friend is pissed off .... Okay, 200 Rupees won't buy you much in KTM but he thinks I am no better than all them Nepali ghoosh-khoris! C'mon... At least we made one guy happy!

Hope the traffic cop bought a rose for his wife or maybe a thong from the Hong Kong market! Whoever invented this 'thong' stuff is a genius. I didn't say that but I heard one 'back from Boston' dude talking loudly about his thong&bong fetishes @ this new bar in Durbarmarg!

And another Nepali bhai (he's just back from Australia!) was saying ' Bloody Hell.. Boston na Sauce-ton.... hamilai ghanta matlab!'... I just kept my mouth shut. I wouldn't want to watch "Crocodile Dundee" and "Matt Damon" fight over the 'thong' song and I didn't want to get boomerang-ed by our Ozzie mate if he happened to know that NY Mets mean something to me!

Why can't we be friends? We are either Chinese, Mexicans or Iranians to the 'khuires' ... and now we come back and act like we are bhooka tourists! Good... 14 barsa bun-baas lay tya-hee sikaycha bajiya haru ho!

After all... we have to come back to Nepal (someday!) and get used to the 'Nepali way'. It sucks but this is our country. Government folks will piss you off that you want to blow them with a bazooka but you can't because that's the way it's been and that's the way it's going to be for another .... until the next big earthquake hits KTM!

Until then let's all listen to the 'Thong' song, hit a bong. If we all did that then our nepali 'yuva' wouldn't be acting like King Kong(s)!