Saturday, February 28, 2015

Young Caring Laddies (YCL)




Our 30-party opposition alliance will be holding a mass rally today to show their strength so that the ruling clowns can back down and sit down for talks to resolve the disputed issues in the constitution writing process. 

Why do our clowns think that gathering thousands of their cadres in the middle of Kathmandu will make the other clowns change their mind and give them some freebies?

Our buffoons think that street protests will help to put pressure on the ruling clowns to forge consensus to bring the new constitution. Street protests in this land of ours are only good to declare mundrey gundas martyrs and pay millions of Rupees to their families. But the real martyrs are forgotten and their families get nothing.

Our comrades have warned us all that if the ruling clowns are not ready to settle the disputes through dialogue then we are in it for a serious confrontation. Instead of  carrying out phase-wise protest programs, why not go all out and confront the ruling clowns?  

All of our political parties have their so-called youth organization. Let them battle it out. Let the police and the public stay home. Our savages can then use their stone-hurling skills and flank kicks on each other.

Our comrades seem not to care about the common folks. Most of us get only one day off and instead of visiting friends and relatives, most of us will have to stay home and clean our water tanks today.  I guess the New Road area will be a no-go zone today unless you want bamboo sticks flying at you while you drive around. 

I guess our Emperor just want his cadres to get some exercise and participate in the walkathon today. But our so-called top leaders forget that our cadres do not enjoy such nataks. I think it would be better if our opposition wallahs outsourced the event to some event management company. Yes, make it more like one of those melas that Ncell organizes.

Let the cadres have some fun as well. Put some balloons. Momo and drink stalls would be great. Make sure you have enough drinking water and mobile restrooms so that our cadres won't have to get dehydrated or hold their pee because there is no place to relieve themselves. 

We all know that our netas have developed the capacity to hold their pee because they can talk gibberish for hours and don't even need to take a break but common folks are not that skilled yet. 

Why can’t our buffoons just go to Godavari Botanical Gardens, have a picnic, work out their differences and enjoy a good lunch and a dance program instead? Our 30-party alliance could save millions of Rupees if they just sent 30 leaders to sit down with our ruling clowns and find common ground. 

But no, they have to spend millions of Rupees to ferry hundreds of thousands of folks to the capital. And not to forget the cost of dal, bhaat and other chiya kharcha for the cadres who will be walking around the Khula Manch with bamboo sticks.

Our opposition wallahs have to bring certain number of cadres to the rally today. Our Maoists will have to gather at least 100,000 folks. Some of the opposition parties don't even have a thousand followers and they have to bring more. 

I guess, they will just have to offer folks a holiday package to make sure that they meet their quota. Yes, offer a villager a free bus ride, food and accommodation and after the rally ends, a visit to Pashupatinath and our National Zoo will be great. 

The Young Communist League (YCL) is back. The YCL did their practice run for the mass rally a few days ago. It's about time the youth organization of our dear Maoists stop acting like a bunch of juvenile delinquents. Our YCL cadres jeered at onlookers and tried to vandalize motorcycles.

Our Emperor had even instructed the YCL folks to retaliate if our police wallahs tried to intervene in their protest. But our Nepal Police respects the right to protest only if it is carried out by our political parties. Instead of intervention, our police wallahs will gladly escort them and even look the other way if our cadres are beating up ordinary folks or vandalizing public property. 

Our Emperor should make YCL a young caring organization of lads and ladies. Instead of arming themselves with bamboo sticks and kicking and slapping whoever comes in their way, why not hand out Badam and Suntala to passerby and encourage onlookers to join in the fun.

Deploy your young lads and ladies to carry out social works. Clean up our neighborhoods, rivers and even government offices.  Yes, we could all grow organic vegetables instead of letting rusty vehicles take up all the open space in government land. 

Help our traffic cops to maintain traffic and make sure that our Micro drivers stop their vehicles at designated stop zones instead of stopping in the middle of the street. Help the sick and the needy instead of only helping the con-artists and contractors.

If our comrades had any brains instead of only brawns, then they would be gathering their cadres to clean up the Bagmati River today.  The only guy with some brain is leaving for India to meet the Desi President and other political leaders. I hope Dr. Saheb will get some tips from the Desi over Chai and Samosa on how to forge consensus with the ruling donkeys.


Saturday, February 21, 2015

Mother of All Revolutions




Our incompetent government celebrated the 65th Democracy Day with the usual nataks. I think our Nepal Army should stop using its helicopters to shower flowers during such government functions. Save some fuel and use the helicopters to carry out rescue works across the country instead of wasting our taxpayers' money on such acts. 

Well, the Ranas left the building a long time ago but our new mini-Maharajas continue to act like the Shree Tins today. Not much has changed since then. Our clowns are free to loot and exploit the common citizens while we do not even have the freedom of speech and assembly. 

Our government has restricted areas where we cannot march or carry out our protest programs. We have become a police state where whoever comes to power use the security personnel to clamp down on peaceful protests and assault common citizens. 

Our clowns need security to protect themselves from other clowns. Our police personnel just stand aside and look while banda wallahs burn vehicles and beat up innocent folks who dare to go to work using their vehicles. Our political parties are themselves not democratic but yet continue to preach democratic ideals to the rest of us.

So what did we, the common citizens get in the last six decades or so?  Nothing. We got rid of the Shree Tins and instead of brothers sharing the loot, we had our King and the mandaleys making all the moolah. We then threw the Pancheys out and we had our Kangaroos enjoying the loot for more than a decade or so.  The United Mundrey Leaders did get to eat some cake as well then.

We have also seen our Maoist and Madhesi parties running wild. And now, we are back to the same folks who looted the state treasury two decades ago having all the fun. I guess, we will just have to get used to the same bunch of clowns taking turns to loot the state treasury.

Kamal Thapa and other pancheys should have disappeared a long time ago but they are still in the game. Well, they may not get enough votes to rule the country but they can always make some noise and get a few ministries now and then. 

We have another Thapa as our mantri and he seems to have either no clue on how to help us get some cooking gas or somebody made tons of money thanks to the artificial shortage of cooking gas this winter.

SuKo tells us that the people's revolution that got rid of the Rana oligarchy back then is the mother of all revolutions. Well, we have had too many revolutions to get rid of the previous regime and replace it with new players but who continue to follow the same game plan of loot and plunder.

Instead of celebrating every time we get rid of another repressive regime, why not scrap all the so-called 'Democracy' days and just celebrate the Nepali New Year as the day to begin afresh while remembering the past.

Let's have a week long holiday and for once, allow us to use firecrackers to welcome the New Year. The Chinese and the Desis do not have any problems with their citizens celebrating with fireworks but our government bans such celebration because they do not like to see common citizens having any fun.

Gyanu Uncle has finally spoken after months of running around temples across the country. Our former King has reminded our political parties to honor the past agreements made before he left the Narayanhiti Palace. I think Gyanu Uncle should just come out of the closet and let us all know what those agreements were.

There must have been some kind of a deal before Gyanu Uncle decided to give up his throne and be just another Nepali. He wouldn't have let it go so easily if it weren't for some agreements with our clowns. 

If he had smart folks around him then they would have at least asked our political parties to allow him to be our chief guest during the Jatras in the valley.

What we now need in this country is a revolution to end all other revolutions. A bunch of thugs are ruling this country while the majority of law-abiding citizens think they have no choice but to endure the suffering and pain inflicted by these goons.

All of us must stand up and get rid of our clowns. It's not that we do not have good, hard working, honest folks in this land of ours. The good ones are silent and they think that they alone cannot bring change to this cancerous system.

If it weren't for us, the people, who rose up and took to the streets then none of the so-called people's movement would have had happened. It's us, the people who made it possible to topple the repressive regime and allow the new clowns to rule us. 

But so far, our so-called leaders have failed to keep their side of the bargain. The bloods of our martyrs have been wasted and our clowns are neither ashamed nor do they repent about their misdeeds.

Arvind Kejriwal has shown us that the common man can take on big political parties even if they have more muscle and money. Maybe, we do need just one man or a woman who will have the courage to stand up and tell our clowns that enough is enough. 

And when that person shows up, let's back him or her and show our clowns that we, the common citizens have the power to change the country.  Our clowns are not invincible. Let us show our strength and remind our clowns that they too are replaceable. 


Saturday, February 14, 2015

A Whole Lotta Love




Our Emperor has threatened to establish a parallel government structures across the country if our Kangaroos and the United Mundrey Leaders go ahead with the majority vote nataks. So does that mean, we will now have to pay taxes to both the government and our comrades as well?

We are already tired of paying taxes on everything and getting nothing in return. Our incompetent government can't even provide us water, electricity and cooking gas. We might as well sell our water tankies, inverters and empty cooking gas cylinders to pay the other tax to our comrades. 

Our 30-party opposition alliance also plans to capture government offices across the country from next month. I think it would be better if they captured the CA building and camped out until the ruling clowns agree to sit down and resolve the disputed issues instead of disrupting work at government offices.

Some of us need to apply for a new passport. Some of us need a nagarikta. Some of us have to visit government offices to pay our taxes. Please don't shut down the government offices and make our hardworking civil servants go crazy.

They already have it easy and they would have to spend their day playing cards and reading the same newspaper a dozen times if our comrades shut down the offices.

I hope our comrades will be kind enough to allow us to seek the services we need. It would be nice if they forced the government employees to show up on time and do their work instead of slacking off and making us go round in circles trying to get our documents signed by a dozen officials before our work gets done.

Our Emperor has claimed that he has a million volunteers ready to heat up the protest nataks. If he already has a million young folks ready to rumble then it would have been nice if they were deployed to fill up our cooking gas cylinders across the border. But who cares about the common citizens? 

Our con-artists are not even interested in giving us a constitution. All of our clowns only want to engage in corruption while common citizens are left to wonder if we voted for gluttonous pigs. I would like to apologize for offending all the pigs in the country. After all, they provide us with pork chops while our clowns want to sacrifice us so that they can enjoy pork-barrel politics.

Our opposition wallahs think that shutting down the country and imposing economic blockade will help the peace process. Yes, we are already eating dal mot and wai wai and we might as well go on a fast if our borders are shut down because we have to buy almost everything from the Desis. 

Fasting does have health benefits and let's hope our clowns will also lose some weight and be slim and lean. But of course, their bellies will always be filled while all of us go hungry.

The Maoist party launched their 'People's War' on February 13th, 1996. A decade later, we had the so-called peace accord between our political parties and our comrades. And now, nearly a decade later, we have nothing. 

It would have been nice if they had launched their armed struggle a day later on February 14th. Then, we could all celebrate Valentine's Day and the 'People's War' on the same day.

Instead of guns and dang doong, we could give each other gifts and dark chocolates. I think our comrades should learn a thing or two from Kejriwal and his crew instead of going back to the old formula that doesn't benefit anyone. 

Our Emperor needs to apologize to all of us for letting us down during the first Constipated Assembly. He also needs to apologize for not doing enough this time as well. And there will always be elections, so why not prepare for the next one and promise us things you can deliver instead of thinking that it's the end of the world if they can't have everything now?

It's Valentine's Day and instead of threatening each other, it's time to make up and sit down for candle-lit dinner and sort out the differences. I think we should all give red roses to our so-called top leaders and serve them a Newari Bhoj. 

After all, most of our clowns love to drink and dance during such gatherings. But of course, local aila and buff choila is not good enough for them. Our freeloaders enjoy bideshi whiskeys and mutton chops nowadays.

Our clowns have too much anger. What they need is a warm hug and a whole lotta love. Let us hope that our so-called civil society will organize a 'Love Fest' for our clowns.   

Our freeloaders seem to enjoy Bollywood movies a lot. I think QFX could do us all a favor if they screened the Munna Bhai series for our buffoons. We must all remind them if they have love for this land of ours then they should make up and work out a solution. 

But so far, their actions have shown us that they only care about their cadres and want to engage in corruption and have no respect for the country and its common citizens.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Oli for PM!




Khadga Prasad Sharma Oli (KPSO) aka KP Oli aka OBG (Oli's Boli is Goli) should host a comedy show on TV. 'Comedy Nights with KP' will probably knock off 'Tito Satya' off the charts which would really piss off our opposition wallahs who have demanded mental treatment for Oli.

Our 30-party alliance think Oli suffers from some mental disorder and want the government to spend some big bucks to treat the comedy king as soon as possible. 

I think we need to remind our clowns that Gai Jatra is still more than six months away. Valentine's Day is next week and maybe a dinner date with Oli could help instead of accusing him of being insane. 

We did not know that we had a bunch of psychiatrists running the country instead of politicians. It would be nice if our opposition wallahs also demanded free mental health assessment and treatment if needed for all citizens. After all, we all are going crazy trying to keep up with the circus acts.

If all of our Constipated Assembly (CA) members were to go for psychologist tests then they would all be diagnosed with Sadistic Personality Disorder (SPD). 

While we, the common citizens are suffering from cooking gas shortage, our clowns are busy making fun of each other instead of working together to come up with a solution to end the political deadlock.

I think we would not mind if our incompetent government spent a ton of money for mental health assessment of all of our clowns. A majority of them would be deemed unfit to drive a car and we have no one but ourselves to blame for giving these buffoons the responsibility of driving the country forward.

These good for nothing freeloaders seem to enjoy it most when common folks suffer. We have yet to find a political party that is demanding an end to this artificial shortage of cooking gas. 

Instead, we have our opposition wallahs hell bent on carrying out street protests that benefit no one while the ruling clowns are sticking to their guns of bulldozing through a voting process to give us a constitution that lacks consensus.

Oli must know something we don't. If he didn't then why in the world would he claim that the opposition wallahs would stop their protest nataks if the Maoists were paid off Rs 10 billion? We all know that our politicians are blood sucking parasites. They would rather sell our country to the highest bidder than come together to write a constitution. 

I think it's about time, we all joined hands and took to the streets demanding that our great comedy king be made our Prime Monster. I think we will probably get our constitution in a week if Oli gets to live in Baluwatar because he will provide billions of Rupees to our opposition wallahs to make up and give us a new constitution.

Yes, give Oli a chance. It would be fun to listen to his speeches on TV. Maybe, what we need at this hour is a jester instead of a leader. 

Oli also seem to have lots of mundreys under him. Our Industry Minister Mahesh Basnet is an inspiration to all mundreys in the country. In a few years, UML will be known as United Mundrey Leaders and maybe in a decade or two Basnet himself will be our Prime Monster. And then, we will all be free to run casinos in our homes.

SuKo seems like a nice old man but being nice does not lead to consensus. He could have at least apologized for not giving us a constitution by January 22nd. 

I think it's about time our dear SuKo left Baluwatar for Banaras. After all, he is at the stage in Hindu life where one wanders around as a Sannyasi.

Well, our experts tell us that there was no deadline but dozing off for a year while getting paid for it is something our clowns should be ashamed of. But of course, our freeloaders have no shame and they know very well, that they can get away with it because the common citizens only know how to complain rather than confront them. 

I think it's about time, we carried our own protest programs by confronting our freeloaders. Most of our so-called top leaders may not walk in the streets or visit our local chiya pasals but whenever they pass by our neighborhood with all their security and siren-blaring vehicles, the least we can do is show them a placard that reads 'Bhat Mara'.  

Well, the literal English translation would be 'rice killer'. After all, it seems that we might have to burn our own furniture to cook a pot of rice soon. 

But then, the anagram thing could make our Indian Embassy happy. After all, the road leads to Delhi. The Desis seem to be good at bringing everyone back. 

They brought Tribhuvan back. They brought our 'Democracy' wallahs back. They brought our 'Republic' wallahs back. Maybe, it's time to sign another god knows how many point agreement but this time please include the common citizens as well. All we want is water, gas and electricity. 

Maybe, the Desis would be kind enough to provide the basic utilities for all if they are so eager to always bring our freeloaders together to sign another pointless agreement.