Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Mark Twain

If you didn't know... then please do know now that today is hamro baajey, Mark Twain ko birthday! So let us all have a cake and some coffee toffee and celebrate Mr. Clemens ko janma din!

When I was in the fifth grade, I read about them Amrikan Presidents. And although Reagan was already on his way to win his second term, the book only had until Jimmy Carter kya. And of course I was in love with Amy Carter then.. hehe! I became a JFK fan from then on even thought I wasn't Irish, Catholic or an Amrikan nai... hehe!

I know my birthday very well. And the other birthdays I never forget except friends, family and foes chahi... Mark Twain ko nai ho! And I also light a candle every November 22nd for JFK (the day he got killed in Dallas!) even though I am not related to the Kennedys and I still have a Jackie O picture/ frame srame ma ... last time I saw it ... it was in my sister's room!

I think the last tyam we ever had any charismatic leader .. tyehi Ranaji Jangey dai nai hola..... all the Shusmers after him all look chubby with the joonga daari hehe! And no, Prachandoo is not charismatic... he is a standup comedian... more like 'Nepali' Robin Williams (without making any faces or doing any coke hehe!).

I wish Baburam dai had pumped a little bit more iron and maybe shaved his 'mustache' and had a tattoo and not to forget a Mohawk... err.. sorry, Kaha batuh tyo Robert dai from 'Taxi Driver' ko po yaad ayecha! Ani balla po charismatic bhanney hola ni.. haha!

Anyways, Obama was a nobody before he gave that speech during Kerry's nomination in Boston. But it was all charisma that won him the Presidency and nothing else ni. Yes, we all love Obama but I have always sympathized with Nixon even though he was a crook hehe!

Okay, let's cut the Amrikan History 'x' thing and move on to Mr. Twain hai.

Clemens is probably the greatest Amrikan writer ever. Okay, Stephen King hola kasai kasai lai... but this guy was born before they had TV and that makes a lot of difference kya.

And don't brag about how you have read all them Russian writers and stuff... if you haven't read them Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn stuff then you have read nothing .. hehe!

I like Twain not only because he was a great writer, humorist and what not but someday I would want to be like him too. So, I better join a newspaper first then maybe be a riverboat pilot (Koshi river ma) then go work in a gold mine hola (khoi kata jaaney Australia po ho ki) hehe!

He tried nearly everything and he failed .... but when he began writing them humor columns then he hit it big and he never stopped writing them funny stuff kyaaruh. I wish I had the same skills but maybe arko janma ma!

I wish we had someone like Twain here in Nepal. Well, I always used to read Kunda dai's 'Donkey' ho ki ass thing. I always thought it was funny .. well, I still find it funny but I hope someday we will have someone who will charm us with his or her wit and satire (yes, we desperately need a lady because after Paarijat (she wasn't a humorist but..) we haven't had one who would kick all them grumpy male arses!).

I also like Twain a lot because he really couldn't balance his books.. hehe.. somebody should have taught him 'Lekha Palan and Karyalaya Sanchalan' (that's the title of them 'Accounting' books we had during our SLC days!).

I scored my highest grade in Lekha Palan nai... 94 kyaaruh and my credit score (the last time I checked it was zero hehe!) and I have 583.22 Rupees in Himalayan Bank. I am a die-hard Himalayan Bank fan because I opened my first bank account there! Well, I still have to recoup my loans I had given to a senior writer who fled to New York and to a local don who ran away to Norway hehe!

Anyways, Twain made a lot of money from his lekhing (writing) and guffing (lectures) but then he lost it all in all them crazy ventures! But he did finally succeed in repaying back his creditors even though he was not obligated to do so... Amrika ma basya faida tyehi ho euta.. if you file bankruptcy then you owe nobody nothing hehe!

But of course, your credit score will prevent you from renting an apartment or getting anything for credit ni.. hehe.. which is not good!

Anyway, Happy Birthday Mark.... and if you still don't think Twain was the greatest Amrikan writer ever then you are telling me that William Faulker was a grumpy arse... because Faulkner ko bichar ma Twain is the father of Amrikan Literature kya. And I think so too.. but I am just a Guffadi so my vote might not even count hola... but who gives a @#$! ni.. Twain Baajey Jindabad , Nepal ka sabai chor-neta Murdabaad.. Jai Hos!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Adventures of Tin Tin ...


I think most us have been fans of Tin Tin when we first discovered then comics during them boarding school days hehe! So when I heard that they were showing Tin Tin 3D natak ... I decided to go and watch it with my coach , a fashionista, a poetess and a scientist (she has a Msc in Physics so she knows more about Einstein than I do hola)

After all, the movie was directed by Speilberg and produced by him and Peter Jackson ni. So I was really excited ni.... but I am sad to say the sukeko chicken roll, the flat soda and foos-foos popcorn tasted better than the movie itself!

Just like we expected our Dr. Saheb, Babu Bhatta (trying to shorten everything these days hehe!) to deliver.... I really thought this movie would be really babaal... but I have to give it a C+ and only because Speilberg directed it or else... it would have been a D- nai hola!

There are so many stories to choose from but why the @#!$ did Jackson and Speilberg decide to do it on that 'Unicorn' BS kya? Haven't they heard about our brother, Johnny Depp and his 'Pirates of the Caribbean' series..... they should have gone to Africa or even Tibet but no, they had to do the 'pirate' and the 'treasure' thing and screw it up for us!

And yes, Captain Haddock is a funny man but it's supposed to be about Tin Tin ni.... it's like Rajnikanth getting overshadowed by I don't know.. Johnny Lever hehe!

I hear they plan to do two more movies rey... well, they thought this one would rake in the moolah at the BO... well they didn't even get their money back rey. They spent 135 million dollars making it .... and if you do the Hollywood accounting natak, you need to make at least three times more to break even.... so I guess, the studios will just try to sell more toys and video games hola ni.

Anyways, hope they do make them sequels and what not and Jackson (he was supposed to direct the next one) will make it more interesting and not like that 'King Kong' bakwaas he made with Jack Black... hehe!

I hope to go watch 'Immortals' this week.... at least it will be full-on action and masala.... and no I haven't Rockstar yet. Some folks really loved it and some hated it ... ek jana ko fb status tuh.. Ranbir ... teri haq tuhi rakh rey... hehe!

Monday, November 28, 2011

NRNs and Nepal...


Today, I will be guffing about 'Obligations of NRNs to Nepal' as suggested by Amy!

I will try not to wander off like I do every now and then... so I will try to give my answers to Amy's questions hai.

Due to lack of opportunities in Nepal, huge numbers of young Nepalis find work overseas and end up settling there permanently. What are the obligations of those expats to Nepal?

We have to thank our netas, civil servants and them dalals for screwing it up for the rest of us! Every year, half a million folks leave Nepal for them foreign lands so that they can make a few more Dinars, Ringgits and if some of them are lucky then Dollars and Euros pani.

Some go for higher education, some migrate to them commonwealth countries and dherai jaso tuh Middle East ma nai janey ho 10,000 rupaiya ko kaam garnaw. While our netas and their chamchas make millions here.... our young ones have to pay them human traffickers 1-2 lakh to go to them Arab nations!

Obligations ko kura garda, I just don't understand why some NRNs (Nepali ma residing Nepalis) hehe... think that the other NRNs (Non-Resident Nepalis) are traitors or opportunists or don't have the right to bitch, whine, worry about Nepal!

Like that song from 1974 AD, 'Mun tuh mero Nepali Ho!' .... we all have obligations in some ways to do something for our country. Our netas and civil servants think all NRNs have like boras of Dollars and think of ways to con them ... hehe... by asking them to invest in Nepal.

And if they do, then they will have to deal with all them beaureacratic hassles, political pressures thanks to them trade unions and what not. If our so-called leaders had them vision ki kay bhancha ni... then they would have asked our 3 million NRNs to send home 10 dollars a day and maybe invest it in them hydropower, bato ghato etiyaadi. 360 million US$ is not pocket change ni!

I think all them NRNs should first take care of their families and maybe donate a dollar to Help Nepal Network hola! And I hear there are other NGOs now working in rural areas like HNN... you don't have to give them your month's paycheck... maybe 10 dollars a month will do!

Should they bring their family members to their new country and strengthen the NRN community?

Yes, after all... you can't live alone ni. You need your family to share you dookhaw-sookhaw! And at the same time, your income also goes up when both of you start working! And then you can save some and maybe buy a house or save it for your kids haroo ko college education!

Should they plan to return to Nepal someday to teach the next generation?

At the end of the day, all NRNs would love to come back and yes, our NRNs should return home and they could share their knowledge with the young ones. But our government and them netas need to learn a thing or two from South Korea or Israel or them nations who decided to ask their folks to come back home and help their countries kya.

We are Nepalis.. our chor-netas and them corrupt civil servants get all them respect ... for what? Looting the national coffer and asking bribes from byaparis to common citizens... and while us, the hardworking, law-abiding citizens have to either just stay here and hope for a better future or run away to foreign lands where everybody gets a second chance and can make a decent living if they work hard and don't gamble, drink and start buying designer clothes hehe!

Should they have their kids do some of their schooling in Nepal to make sure they understand what it means to be Nepali?

A friend of mine used to send his kid to Nepal every summer. The kid would stay with his grandparents and learn the 'Nepali' way. Of course, he got bullied by his cousins when he first visited Nepal.... but after a month or two ... he became a 'pakka' Nepali .. .hehe!

The kid is now 11 years old.... he still comes back once every two years maa... but he speaks Nepali fluently and his cousins can't bully him or make fun of the 'Amrikan' bhanja babu.. hehe!

I think NRN parents should speak 'Nepali' to their kids. Angrezi or Dutch or French (wherever you are) .. tyee tuh uni haroo ko school ruh yeta oota siki halcha ni! And also take them along to them NRN events like Dashain and stuff... so he or she does know something about 'Nepali' culture kya!

So instead of sending them to schools here... a summer vacation... every two or three years will do. It won't put a dent in your finances pani.. and while the parents are visiting their relatives and eating khasi and playing 'marriage' hehe... .the kids can learn 'Nepali', eat with their hands and watch Tito Satya and get used to the 'Nepali' way!

I hope my answers were okay... have not been able to update my blog posts due to work swork, health issues (I should stop eating out... hehe!) anyways I will try to write more often hai.


Friday, November 25, 2011

All that glitters is gold...

Our ‘honest’ ministers are disclosing their personal assets and most of them seem to have more than 50 tolas of gold, properties in their hometown and in the city and few animals to pass them off as farmers so that they can get a loan from some rural co-operatives.

It’s a good thing that our ministers are not afraid to disclose their personal assets anymore. The bad thing is that they seem to have more than we could have ever imagined. The poorest politician in town is our Dr Saheb, who happens to have only 400,000 in the bank.

Our PM may be poor and at first, he did inspire us with his frugal spending habits but all the members of his national football team seem to be ridiculously wealthy.
And we hear about our ‘wealthy’ ministers asking for bribes from government employees for plum postings.

After all, it’s hard to keep up with the inflation and the rising dollar and what not. And you do need to have a positive cash flow to keep up with your regal spending habits.

Our ministers tell us that they all come from very wealthy families and received land, gold and animals as dowries. They should thank the stars above for being born in the ‘dowry era’ for it is now legally banned. But this is Nepal, we also banned smoking in public places and we can see how effectively it has been implemented by our concerned authorities.

Our netas finally decided to form the State Restructuring Commission (SRC) after haggling over the names but they still can’t agree on who gets to head the commission.

I think someone needs to remind them that SRC is not like them government public enterprises where you send an 8th grader to head the airlines corporation or appoint your own siblings to the board of various state agencies.

We really thought that the ‘Afno Manchey’ policy would change after we turned Republic. Either we were very na├»ve or we are always too trusting of our great netas.

We have seen alcoholics, junkies and even petty thieves turn their lives around after rehabilitation and become role models. Maybe it’s about time we offered the rehabilitation package to our netas since none of our comrade combatants seem to be interested in it.

At least for once, our so-called leaders can do us a favor by appointing independent experts to these commissions instead of trying to find their own cadres and cousins.

Nepotism still rules, corruption is still rampant than ever and misuse of authority and official privileges have reached such extreme heights that ordinary citizens might have to take anti-depressants just to make it to the next day.

When will meritocracy finally arrive in Nepal? That would be a wishful thinking but we must not lose hope and hopefully it might arrive at the same time as Haley’s comet.

Less than a week to go and our ‘constitution’ writers will once again extend the CA’s term for another six months. I think our netas begged for forgiveness for their past mistakes and promised us that the previous extension would be the last one.

And now they will try to justify another extension by claiming how close they are to wrapping things up. Another extension, another six months of dilly-dallying and then this natak might go on forever until we lose track and the country never wakes up from the coma but instead turns into a permanent vegetative state.

I think we should all occupy the railings outside BICC for the next six months and heckle our politicians to get the job done or hire taxis and drive around their houses and remind them every morning with loud speakers.

The President and even our CA chairperson has shown us their (lack of ) courage to remind or reprimand to get our netas to overcome their differences and find a common ground.

I think we should stop waving our flags, placards and wear t-shirts with amusing slogans. We should occupy the Ring Road leading to the airport and prevent our politicians from leaving the country for the next six months to attend useless conferences or meet their foreign handlers.

We have yet to see a politician who has the moral courage to do the right thing. Dr Saheb really impressed us with his ‘shock & awe’ antics but now he tells us that he has compromised his principles for peace and constitution as he looks the other way while his cabinet members go on a corruption rampage.

The looting spree continues, impunity continues to prevail and by the time they find a person to head the State Restructuring Commission, we might not even have a state!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Kollywood...


Today, I will be guffing about 'Nepali Movies' as suggested by Ekraj and Remrow.

I think the 80s was like the 'golden age' of Nepali cinema hagi. I still remember them movies like 'Jeevan Rekha', 'Kanchi', 'Kusume Rumal' etiyaadi!

Bhuwan-ey and Shiva dai used to be them leading men but then Shiva dai decided to go to Pakistan and do them Punjabi movies. Then he came back and did 'Chino', which is probably the most successful movie ever hola.

If you were growing up in the 90s then 'Chino' was the fee-lim kya! Tulsi Ghimire used to be like our 'Subash Ghai' then... jay banaye pani babaal chawl-ney! Where is Tulsi dai now?

I know where Shiva dai and Bhuwan-ey are... Shiva dai just hangs around at the coffee place in Sherpa Mall. I hear that he doesn't drink or smoke but is a serious follower of 'Hanuman' or something. His wife left him and is now living with some young lad in the UK. He married a young lady, younger than his daughter kyaaruh.

Bhuwan dai is still going around town trying to be kay bhancha ni .. playboy slayboy but then he got his arse kicked a few months ago by some angry hubby of a boutique pasal sahuni .. hehe!

Abuh kura garoom.. hamro superstar, Rajesh dai ko! Rajesh dai has been doing his stuff since the early 90s... and he still charges 3-3.25 lakhs per movie. He's probably done more than 100+ movies so far and he will continue to be them 'hero' sero until 2020 and then he plans to go on a world tour rey.

Ani tyeti bela ko hero-ni haroo pani ali 'classy' kya. We had Sharmila Malla, Karishma KC (Manandhar), Kristi Mainali , Gauri Malla, Mithila Sharma , Mausami Malla..... they were not only hot but really did some acting sacting pani, unlike aaj kal ko hero-nis ... who can neither act nor dance!

In the 80s and early 90s.... folks who made them movies were either assistant directors in Bollywood or were really passionate about making them... Now, its mostly jagga-dalals who produce them stuff and all they want is to get near and dear to some young lady who dreams of being a 'Kollywood' star kyaaruh!

And we have directors, who either want to copy them 'Korean' movies or make dishoom-dishoom action movies with the same flank kicks and round kick ki kay bhancha ni!

Before.... we had really good writers who knew how to make a masala movie... with song, dance, love sove, tragedy etiyaadi.. now we have no writers at all. Yes, them cinematography ki kay bhancha ni babaal hola... but where is the @#$!ing story?

Yes, I went to see Mission Paisa. I still want my money back. Sano Sansar sucked and so did Kagbeni. Most of friends liked Bhushan Dahal's movie but I thought he could have done it well if he had asked the guy from Kalimpong ho ki Sikkim, Prashant Rasailey to come up with a cool story.

That 'Prashant' guy is really talented.... but I don't know why Quest Entertainment wasn't interested to work with him. I hear that 'Acharya' did only 15-20 lakh ko business in Nepal rey. I feel sorry for them producers!

I think they should have made a movie based on the life of Narayan Gopal. Everybody above 30 would have gone to them theatres... and it would have probably grossed crores!

I love Bhakta Raj Acharya but if you want to make a movie and hope that young folks do come to watch it then why not make a movie on Arun Thapa. Well, both Narayan uncle and Arun dai are dead but young folks still listen to Arun dai ko geet seet and all senior citizens will come to watch a 'Narayan Gopal' movie kya!

Now, I hear that we will have our first Nepali 'Lesbian' movie rey. Well, the director lives in Paris and he's got few kuirey backers so he really doesn't need to worry about getting his money back but for most of them film wallahs in Nepal, they are @#$!ed because the hall-wallahs take 50% of their cut, distributors take 15% and then pay off gundas here and there!

Ani by the time it's all over, the producers get like 30% of the B.O. gross... so if you make a movie for 50 lakhs then you have to pray that it grosses like 1.5+ crores to even get your money back. Profit tuh khoi ... (nepali die-log cha ni..) kun chari ko naam ho? hehe!

And if our filmmakers really want to cut and paste then just get everything from Bollywood ni. You can watch Farhan Akhtar's movies if you want to cater to the city slickers and if you want our working class folks to buy them tickets then make a movie about Micro drivers, waiters, welders, carpenters ni... not some jackass who starts kicking arses from the beginning of time and doesn't stop until everybody is out of them theatres kya!

A friend of mine is making a movie. His budget is 45 lakhs... he signed Rajesh Hamal and Rekha Thapa kyaaruh. I told him that I couldn't invest in his movie because a) I don't have that much cash b) I want to make a low-budget 'Nepali Rajnikanth' movie and not them usual 'Kollywood' thing!

So, I have decided to help him out with marketing and stuff. I won't get paid but I just want to make sure that he gets his money back .... it will take at least a year or two nai.... the distributor has promised him 12 lakhs, he will get 5-7 lakhs when he sells them VCD rights... (yes, them VCDs sell like hot cakes in Nepal and them Middle East rey).

And if the movie grosses like 60-70 lakhs then he will get like 20 lakhs back... yeta oota break even hooncha hola. Well, if he just deposited tyeti paisa in some finance company ... he would have gotten like 14-15% interest ni baroo... hehe!

Film banau-ney bhoot laagey pachi yestai ho ... rey! Mero cousin lay pani feelim banayeko thiyo 5 barsa agi... He still needs to pay off his relatives who loaned him some money hehe!

Let's get back to the topic hai.. Ekraj asked me to write about the present condition of Nepali Cinema or something like that. Where are we today? Our movies are getting worse.... no story and even them so-called 'New Generation' film wallahs suck as well.

I just saw a poster for some movie called 'Loot' .. Nepali movie nai ho... and the same 'old' so-called 'Naya' cast .. Karma , Richa Sharma, Vinay etiyaadi... sabai so-called 'naya kisim' ko feelim ma yeeni haroo matruh nai hooncha!

Maybe it's tyam, we got more 'theatre' wallahs to act in them movies because I don't want to see the same gang in every 'hi-fi' movie kya!

We can't compete with them Bollywood wallahs... so instead of copying them... we need to find our own stories.... about our migrant workers, Micro drivers, SP Ramesh Kharel or even our Kathmandu ka Don haroo!

Why not make a movie about Kollywood nai? A jagga-dalal wants to produce a movie but he has to be the leading hero kya. Ani .. film shooting garda, the hero-ni is pissed because she doesn't want to eat the Nepali standard khaja 'Wai Wai' and instead wants KFC Chicken in the middle of nowhere.. hehe!

Or a director, who has never directed a movie but has managed to trick 14 byaparis to fund his epic movie... and it's been 14 years and he hasn't even started yet... sabai true story nai tuh hoon ni!


Thursday, November 17, 2011

Records are meant to be broken...


Doctor Saheb now heads the largest Cabinet in the history of Nepal. It took us 15 years, a “People’s War” and hundreds of ‘x’-point deals so that we could witness such a mind-boggling looting of the national coffer.

The previous record holder can now drink in peace as the media won’t be ridiculing him anymore. And just for kicks, the former champion should send his own 40-point demand hola.

We now have tons of full and half ministers. Maybe our “cheap” PM should add a dozen more “quarter” ministers as well. After all, the energy drinks favored by our honest and hardworking netas come in those sizes.

But our honest netas prefer the “foreign” brands. They love foreign drinks, foreign handlers, and of course foreign aid. And now our comrades would like to welcome foreign investment. So, will all that vandalism and extortion come to an end?

Old habits die hard and to expect our netas to have a drastic change of heart is like expecting our Micro wallahs to stop packing us like sardines.

Our governments even want our farmers to get “foreign” seeds. I think we would be happy to see Madonna perform live in Rangashala rather than have Monsanto seeds in our land! It could very well be a sponsored event and it would be a great gift from the Amrikan people.

Dr Saheb also has the most aides ever, forty-four intellectuals to advise him how to waste our taxpayers’ money. He neither knows the names of his ministers nor his aides’ rey. After all, it would require a party palace to hold a Cabinet meeting now.

Maybe he should assign numbers like in schools, and the mantris can wear their numbered t-shirts, or if that’s too much work, then maybe we need a new dress code for them. All full ministers should wear full pants and half-pyants for the half-ministers.

Now, we are left with his aides. I think they should just wear a t-shirt with Dr Saheb’s face plastered on it. After all, they should thank him for having them on the state payroll.

And for those who really believed in this great architect must now be having migraine attacks. We wanted a savior and we got ourselves another false prophet and his bag of tricks.

Had we known that he would go on to waste our taxpayers’ money like it was his personal slush fund, then we would have requested him to ride a Rolls Royce and maybe chartered a jumbo jet for his entourage when he traveled to foreign lands.

He has also broken the record of inviting the largest number of folks for a tea party he hosted a few weeks ago. He spent Rs 2.7 million to host the tea party for 9,000 guests rey.

His aides must have hired a very expensive catering service which charges Rs 300 per person to provide a cup of tea and a lunch box consisting of a banana, samosa and laddu.

I think he could have done us a big favor had he asked those 9,000 guests to donate a bora of rice instead. We could have sent those boras to our folks who are facing food shortages in the hills.

Somebody must have inflated the “tea party” bills, which is nothing new in Nepal. The fake VAT bill wallahs are not ashamed of pocketing taxes and our fake leaders are not ashamed of spending our tax money for their personal benefits.

Dr Saheb was the one who decided not to waste money by printing Dashain greeting cards or hosting parties. His economy class ticket and cheap ride now look more like a nautanki natak. I guess we certainly do have the biggest flip-flopper in the history of Nepali politics.

Yes, we do understand that cadres come first before common citizens. The law-abiding citizens are forced to bribe government officials, from a cop to a sarkari hakim while murderers become ministers and get our honest cops for security and sarkari hakims pay off the mantris to get better postings.

Yes, your political party comes first before country. All the looting and shooting is done in the name of the party and your cadres are immune from criminal prosecution … all in the name of peace!

And it’s not only our comrades who seem to like resorts. The bigwigs from RPP, RJP and RPP(N) met at a resort to figure out how to unify and forge ahead as a single party again.

I think somebody needs to remind our former Pancheys that they had their chances and they screwed it up. Maybe they should unite once again but rename their party RIP and host a farewell tea party … ki kaso?


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Driving in Kathmandu....

Today, we will guff about driving in Kathmandu, as suggested by SKZ!

It's pretty easy to drive them 'auto' gaadis. You don't need to worry about them gear sear stuff and you can palti-cushing, drinking coffee and driving at the same tyam!

But when in comes to them stick shift, you really need to know how to multi-task.... one foot on them clutch slutch, arko ki chai brake ma ki chai accelerator ma... you only have two khuttas and there are three pedals ... ani bhaye nuh fasad!

Well, I had to go back to driving school here and learn how to be comfortable driving around in Kathmandu. After driving 'auto' for more than a decade, going back to 'manual' was a little scary at first... hehe!

And it was fun.... since all them 70s Toyota 'tourist' gaadis have been bought by the driving school wallahs and the rest chahi you can see them at our international airport hehe!

So even if you already know how to drive, just enroll at them driving school to drive an old Toyota gaadi every morning for a week... you might not learn anything new but at least you will win a good friend (your 'teacher) who also seem to know nearly every other traffic cop in and around his neighborhood!

My driving 'teacher' looked like some guy from them 80s Bollywood movie. He would be eating Paan Parag at 6 in the morning. We would drive around Ring Road ... but mostly it was guff suff than learning how to make sure that you don't run over some bike-wallah or bump into a cow or try to find out if the kid running around will land on your hood or will safely cross the road!

Driving in Kathmandu is not about speed .. it's about dodging everything, everyone and arriving safely at your destination.

Ten years ago, we had like half a million folks and maybe 40,000 motor bikes.... now we have more than 5 million New Nepal-ers and 400,000 bikes in the valley. And don't forget them Micros, cabs, school buses and them private vehicles!

The rule in Kathmandu is to only look ahead, don't even worry about checking your rear-view mirror.. you can throw it away nai! This goes for the bike wallahs but if you are driving a car sar then make sure you have a co-pilot with you to check if any bikers are not zooming in from the left and the right at the same tyam!

If you are driving them 'REVA' electric vehicles then don't worry but other than that.. make sure that you slow down and let the bikers do their 'squeezing' stunt or else they will ram into your vehicle because most of the bikes in the valley do not come with any brakes or they drive as if they don't have any brakes kya.

And then you also have to watch for our pedestrians.... they will probably wait until the last second to cross the street. So slow down and give a hand signal for them to cross or stay put or else you will hit the person and you will probably be stoned to death (and so will your vehicle) and some guy with find a jerkin of petrol, pour it on your vehicle and burn it pani.

But of course, it depends where you are ni... most of the stoning, burning and mob-bashing happens around the Ring Road area... so make sure you have you heave duty anti-riot gear with you when you drive around them places hehe.

Nepal ko so-called 'rule' anoo-saar... whoever hits from behind is to blame and whoever has the smallest ride is never to be blamed. A cycle wins over a bike, a bike wins over a car and so on.. hai!

And if you are driving a big-arse SUV then make sure that you have glued your old mattresses around your vehicle so that even if you do hit a cyclist, he will safely land on a padded hood than breaking his back kya.

Kathmandu ko traffic jam ma tuh your speed should be like 1.7 miles (km) per hour and 90% of the tyam, you will be only using them steering wheels to dodge a bike, a cow or a pedestrian or a Micro!

The funny thing about them bikers chahi... they don't use their brakes and they don't look around... ghoda jastai... so if you see a biker speeding then don't even worry... slow down and either let the biker crash into your vehicle or wait until he does a somersault over them railings or dividers!

You will see many ladies in them scooties... they drive crazy too .... and don't try to hit (side-haaning) on a lady who is driving a scootie because she is really focused on her driving... how to squeeze between them two Micros and get ahead rather than looking around and finding a guy with a mullet and and a mustache ogling at her!

So if them bikers try to over-take with you from both sides then don't blow up and start yelling.. it doesn't help and you will then drive mad and hit another biker feri.

You don't see much cows as in them 90s but you will still find them sometime and they are not like our pedestrians who freeze in the middle of the road but suddenly dart when a vehicle is 1.3 inches away kya and then you will have to face an angry mob who are more interested to burn your vehicle and bash you than taking the accident victim to the hospital.

Animals are fun... they will either stay put or run for their lives... humans are scary... tyehi nai ho lesson chahi!

And our Micro drivers never took them traffic lessons when it came to parking or stopping your vehicle hola... they will stop in the middle of the road ani tyo pani sideways blocking both them lanes... if you are a biker, you can drive around but don't try that if you are driving a car... and honking won't help either.

Let the Micro wallah show everyone his circus act and once them Khalasis get their passenger, they will then drive a few meters and show us the same trick. Either you overtake them or let them do their stuff.... they will never learn and most probably.. they just don't care hola....unless they see a traffic-wallah blowing them whistles!

So, here's the trick hai. Always carry a whistle with you and whenever you see them Micro-wallahs displaying their 'I don't give a @#$!' parking skills.. just roll your windows and start blowing them whistles. It's like them PSY 101 class ko lecture... tyo Pavlov's drooling dogs sogs theory kya!

No, I am not saying our Micro-wallahs are dogs but they are not scared of anyone and don't even care if there is an ambulance behind them ..... they are only conditioned to them 'whistles'... so instead of yelling, bitching or getting out of your vehicle and showing them your kung-fu skills... a whistle will do!

Driving in Kathmandu is not really that difficult.... most of the tyam, you will be driving at like 3-4 km/hour.... just make sure you are watching left and right (watch a 'live' tennis match to improve your skills!) and not hitting them bikers... and all is good!

And no 'Bollywood' songs or them 'electronic' stuff... tune into BBC and drive .... and if your co-pilot (or passenger) is bored then just ask him or her to count them bikes... or how many squeezed by when you were driving kya.


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Mumbo Jumbo

Dr. Saheb might have saved us a few paisas by riding a Mustang, flying Economy Class and not doling out funds to his cadres. But it looks like his “cost saving” acts have neither impressed nor inspired any of our honest politicians.

Yes, politicians make compromises to stay in power but Dr. Saheb is slowly losing his credibility as he tries to please everybody. Now, he’s set to break the record for the largest Cabinet in Nepali history.

We will now have to provide our new full and half ministers with gas-guzzling vehicles, security, fuel and “mantri” bhattas. I don’t think we can afford to waste our taxpayers’ money on making our netas happy. To save money, fuel and less blazing sirens, why not hand out free rickshaws to our Ministers?

At least then they’ll be able to enjoy the pollution and traffic jams like the rest of us. And while stuck in traffic, they can strike conversations with the gnats and flies and act like they are listening to our concerns.

“Hello Sarkar” has been running in full steam since the past few days and they are already getting overwhelmed by citizens calling the hotline number 1111 to complain about everything. I think the PM’s Office should’ve asked one of our call centers to help them run it, but of course, our politicians and sarkari hakims have never been open to suggestions from the public.

If the “hotline” staffers are already worn out and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then maybe it’s better to outsource the customer service department to the call center-wallahs. Maybe they can handle the load with much more efficiency than our civil servants and it might save us some money, too.

Dr. Saheb is in Male, Maldives, attending the SAARC Summit. In all these years, we haven’t seen any cooperation among its members. Maybe we should change it to the SHARK Summit since all the member countries seem to be governed by sharks, be it loan or land or those who believe that the national coffer is their personal goldmine.

If the bus driver overcharges us, we can call 1111 but whom do we call if we need to complain about our politicians? Maybe the President should start his own hotline thing and it would be better if CIAA is under the President’s supervision. He will also be busy rather than just receiving foreign envoys and attending religious functions as chief guest.

Comrade Chairman is in New York, trying to win friends and a few dollars to make his Lumbini dream project a success. I think our netas should take a crash course on time management and also for setting their priorities right.

What’s the need of the hour? No, it’s not controlling corruption, writing the Constitution or even providing basic necessities to the common citizens.

Right now, our politicians are more worried about getting the dough to pay off our comrade combatants. Comrade Chairman is worried about finding billions for his pet project and the PM’s office is the most worried since they have to get vehicles and what not for our new full and half ministers.

And every week, if we do the head count then we find out that a dozen of our CA members are around the world, attending conferences and what not. Our netas spend our taxpayers’ money on useless foreign visits, useless guff-suff and spend their time wrangling over useless issues.

It’s always been like that. Our politicians like to spend more (state funds) on useless things. I hear that intelligent people use less of their brain and so far we have really seen the level of intelligence of our netas and we all know where we’re headed with their circus acts.

If you want to travel around the world and get housing, vehicle and medical allowances, then it’s time you also got into Nepali politics. But of course, make sure you make all the right moves.

The trick is not to be in the majority. A political party with not enough members to play a full football game can get more ministerial berths and benefits.

And when you are a member of political party, then you can murder, abduct, extort and fulfill all the requirements to be a criminal and get away with it. Dr. Saheb is a smart and honest man but it’s now time to show that he’s also a man of morals.

Thousands of lives were lost and brutalities were committed by both sides but it’s about time our netas and civil servants and security personnel from both sides apologize to the families of the victims and ask for forgiveness instead of trying to cover their own arses and promote a culture of impunity.

We can’t move forward until we reconcile our differences, but our “intelligent” netas haven’t even started yet.


Friday, November 11, 2011

11.11.11


Today, I am writing about 11-11-11 as suggested by 'Zinxed' ....

If you follow them 'Mayan' calender then we have like a year to go before the world ends kyaaruh. And a friend of mine is celebrating today as if the world will end on Saturday nai hehe!

Last year, we had 10-10-10 and there were some cool parties around town and of course I didn't attend them hehe!

So now it's 11th of the 11th month of 2011! What are we celebrating today? I don't know.

The Microbus wallahs have hiked their fares ... thanks to the recent fuel price hike by our government. Now it cost us a Rupee more .... gaadi ma chadey ki 13 rupaiya rey!


Rajesh Hamal is not your daddy... so maybe we should celebrate Rajesh dai's visit to the Hanumandhoka police station. I don't understand how our Nepal Police works kya... if somebody files a complaint against you then you have to visit the police wallahs and give your safai rey or else you will be arrested rey. Khoi kun chai school paw-dya hoon yi police wallah haroo?

Anyways, a lady cop filed some kind of a complaint accusing Rajesh dai for being her children's daddy. We don't talk much about mental illnesses in Nepal but yes, if the lady is suffering from them mental stuff then she needs some help ni. She was on medication rey and then she quit and then began all this natak hola.

Or should we ask Rajesh dai to take them tests sests kya? And our Nepali court doesn't accept them DNA tests rey... yes, did you know that? Well, now you know ni.... and our police wallahs even ask them so-called Babas and Matas to solve them crimes ... hehe!

I think most of us are depressed now and then but some of us do like to stay in our rooms for days and just sleep hola. Tyesto bela ma chai, please visit a shrink. Get some counseling and even medications if it helps. Desh ko halat hare-daa tuh , our netas should be visiting them shrinks as well.... hagi!

I think most of our netas are narcissists ... they really do need some help! And Rajesh dai should either get married or come out of the closet or join an ashram hola or whatever so that he won't be accused of making babies kya!

Rajesh dai was supposed to get married to some 25 year old lady this year. I think he is waiting for 12-12-12 hola ni or maybe he should add his 'college' ko sweet heart, a Punjabi lady (Facebook ma!) and maybe organize a reunion here in Kathmandu. Maybe his college buddies can help him find the right one hola!

How come Rajesh dai didn't get to be the 'goodwill' ambassador thing for 'Lumbini Visit Year' nataks? Rajesh is our superstar... why are we asking them Desis and Dumpling celebrities to represent Nepal and not asking the king of Kollywood kya?

Okay, we were supposed to talk about 11-11-11 and not Rajesh dai ni..... abuh arko barsa chahi 12-12-12 hooncha, ani tyo din chahi manau-noo parla ni! Why? Well, after that you will never get to celebrate them eutai din, eutai mahina, euta year kya... unless you decide to invent a new calender or find the fountain of youth or become a vampire and live for another thousand years hola ni.

And who knows .. the world might finally end tyeti bela nai... so start loving your family, friends and even foes haroo! And of course do make sure that you are fully prepared for the 'big one' coming to Kathmandu on 7th June 2012 rey.

Yes, the fortune teller in front of the National Zoo (Jawlakhel) lay bhanya. So make sure you have them wai-wai, chuira etiyaadi..... ani tyo torch-light bhaako helmet tuh Khasa batuh 1-2 container nai magaunoo parla jasto cha!

We have the AD (the Angrezi calender), BS (Bikram Sambat), NS (Nepal Sambat) and maybe once we get this 'constitution writing' thing done, we can start at year 1 hola ki kaso?

Anyways, today @ 11:11am , let's all drink our coffee, tea, joos soos and celebrate hola and for our party-wallahs they can drink whatever they want at 11:11pm ni.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Young Guns...


Today we will talk about our 'young' generation hai, as suggested by our friend from KL, Mr. Sudeep!

When I was a teenager, we didn't have them internet stuff (well, not when I turned 13 ni). And if you were lucky to find a partner who wanted to go on a date then the only cool place to hang out was them 'Bakery Cafe' in Durbarmarg... hehe!

Then came Rangeela, the Bollywood movie that changed the 'fashion' scene in Kathmandu. Ladies were seen in short skirts, them boots and topi.

And the guys? Well, nobody really wanted to dress like a tapori (like Aamir Khan did in that movie) but it was them choos-pyant, dingo boots and Pakistaani leather jackets hehe!

Then Mercantile started the 'internet' thing in Nepal. There were very few folks who had personal computers and then internet connection at home. I still remember paying them monthly internet fees kya. It was Rs 8,500.00 a month kyaaruh!

And the only website you knew was yahoo.com or whatever came up on them Netscape browser. But things have changed now. And Facebook has taken us to a whole new level.

Our 'Young Guns' were born during a difficult tyam. When they were kids, our comrades were busy blowing up places, stuff and people! No more playing marbles outside your homes.... no more football matches in someone's khet baari.

And kids began to stay home, watch movies, play them games online or them Playstations etiyaadi. And when it came to dating sating, they started early as well.

During our tyam, Archies gift store was the only place to go buy them gifts for your girlfriend or someone you had a crush on. They really did good business tyeti bela and of course, you had them titaura stores where you would buy them stuff and then ask a bhai from your neighborhood to deliver them to the girl you liked.

If she accepted them gifts then you moved on to the second stage. That is.. getting her land line number. We didn't have mobiles then ni. And then you called her and if she liked your voice and wanted to carry on the conversation then only would you be granted permission to meet her at Bakery cafe kya.

And it was always kind of a double date thing. You brought a friend and she brought her friend. They would just stare at the menu, or gobble them momos while both of you smiled and communicated telepathically... hehe!

I think it's the same with every generation. The older ones don't like the young ones. They think they are more materialistic and are a rowdy bunch. Our uncles thought we were all going to die of some drug overdose or probably be deaf by the tyam we turned 30.

Well, everybody had them long hair and choos-pyant and listened to them heavy metal music ni tuh.. and maybe that's why they were not happy and would tell us stories from them hippie days when hashish was legal and everybody would sing songs of peace and love etiyaadi.

And them Doc Martins nai 9-10,000 hajaar parney tyeti bela. You could buy an anna of land in the outskirts of the valley hola ... at least ahiley tuh 5-10 lakh ko value tuh hoon-thyo ni!

Yes, the young people today grew up in a different environment ni. Most of them were not even in secondary school when we had them Royal Massacre and everyday, there used to be some bomb blast somewhere thanks to our comrades who were fighting against the so-called 'feudal' system kya. Look who's talking now?

When I look at the young ones today... I actually envy them. They are not only smarter (well, we didn't have Google baba then ni) but they are more aware of what's going on in the world today but of course, we have to thank them affordable internet fees for that .. hehe!

And most of them do have plans... and are focused on what they want to do .. kay bancha ni ... very determined and passionate kya and they have more energy pani.

When I was 13, the only news we used to get about them outside world was them Time Magazine, Times of India and of course the Sportsworld magazines hehe!

Well, we had cable TV then but it was only Doordarshan. So we were lucky to watch Shah Rukh start out as a TV serial actor in them shows like Fauji and Circus etiyaadi.

But now, you get to watch all them Amirki TV series and even the Desis and even Russian and Bhutanese and German (depending on you cable TV provider hehe!) .

Yes, we think that our young ones are now a little bit 'chaada' because they hold hands and go on dates and have relationships and what not when they should be learning them optional math formulas hehe!

But we would have done the same ni but then it was a different era. Haat samaa-tye-ruh hid-nay tuh kaha kaha, sangai hid-nuh pani hoodai-nuh thiyo kya.

People would look (stare!), whisper and the next thing you know, the girl's brother would find about it and he would come after you with his friends to kick your arse!

I think our young generation are now exposed to everything .... internet, TV and lots of other stuff really has brought them closer to the rest of the world... and they get to see all them bad, good and ugly ni... and most of them turn out to be pretty decent human beings.

Some fail... yes, some of our friends failed too. Some of them are still in and out of rehabs, trying to overcome their drug addictions and what not. Some died of drug overdose, some killed themselves and some are in jail for doing the wrong things!

Some of my friends are HIV positive because they shared them needles but instead of being sorry for themselves, they have turned their lives around. They are actually 'living' while most of us who have no major illness are depressed because we didn't get the job we wanted or the woman of your dreams didn't really dream of you and got married to a guy who looks like Johnny Lever but happens to be smarter than Stephen Hawking hehe!

Some are now scientists working for them research firms in Amrika. Some are sahujis like their Dads. In the end, it all evens out rahecha.... so just because a 18 year old guy is walking around trying to be or act like some Korean hero .. don't judge him hehe!

Who knows.. he might start a revolution someday and become our Prime Monster kya... or he might discover oil , right here in Kathmandu and we get to be the next 'Arabs' or something hehe!

And don't judge a girl who wants to act like Paris Hilton... maybe she's just experimenting hola ni... who knows.. one day, she might be the one who will solve some math sath ko formula or even them physics stuff and will be a professor at Cambridge and might make Stephen Hawking look like a Guffadi.. hehe!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Trade Unions...


Today, we will talk about 'Trade Unions' in Nepal, as suggested by Shavash! I think the 'trade unions' ko history goes all the way back to the late 40s in Biratnagar where they had them (4-5 wata) factories sactories and both former prime ministers, late GP... the 'Hawaldar' and Man Mohan Adhikari (UML) started out as trade union leaders kyaaruh.

But let's forget the past and talk about today hai. Today, the biggest and baddest trade union chahi them Maoists haroo ko nai ho. And trade unions are cash cows for our political parties and the Mao-buddies have now more than half a million members in their trade unions rey.

Them UMLs and Congressis have their own trade unions but they don't have enough mundrey goondas hehe.... but they do flaunt their muscles now and then and so do our new 'Madeshi' trade unions!

And our political parties know that they will have enough folks out on the street when they call them strikes and what not. They will ask or (force) their union members to leave their jobs and participate in them rallies, chakka jams and them workers have no option but to join the 'natak' or else they will have to face the consequences kya.

After our great comrades decided to quit camping and live in the cities, nearly all them small businesses haroo ma pani union ghoo-shyo kyaaruh.


I think you must have heard about 'Fire & Ice' in Thamel. Better call them up for reservation if you plan to go there on a Friday night. They have decent pizzas (okay, Nepal ko laagi, dherai ramro!) and the staff are well trained pani.

But like majority of them 'chal-ney' restaurants, they also have a union there and they belong to the Maoist trade union. There are many restaurants in Kathmandu where the dishwasher gets 2,000 and the waiter gets like 4 grand kyaaruh. You won't see them unions in them places!

But if you go to Roadhouse, Fire & Ice or even Bakery Cafe then tyee thau haroo ma sabai union kai manchey haroo! And them restaurants actually pay way above the minimum wage (nearly two times more nai) but still, these union-wallahs create problems from time to time.

Trade unions in Nepal are just another sister organization of a political party and our netas only use them workers as participants in them political rallies. If the employer, especially the big industry wallahs pay off the trade union leader then he or she will do nothing to help the workers kya.

I think our trade union wallahs really don't understand that if they keep on closing them industries and only ask for better pay and benefits while the employer is barely making his loan payments ... then ... one day , them factories shut down and the workers will either have to go to the Middle East or find another low-paying job feri!

Surya Nepal Garments ko pani story tyehi nai ho. Most of them workers were women but them union leaders chahi jahiley pani 'men' nai hooncha. They closed down their factory and them employees are now out of jobs. They got some compensation package kyaaruh but now what will them women do?

Them union netas haroo lai baal mawt-lob ... they will just move to another factory and start the same natak again. Gather them workers, form a union and they will act like they are fighting for them workers' rights but at the end of the day, them union wallahs are there to extort from them businesses and exploit them workers for their 'political' interest!

And where does all them voluntary donations from them business go? Our political parties spend millions of dollars every year, organizing them so-called 'conference', tea parties and training programs for their cadres. And you need some dough to organize them events and all them sponsorships come from our byaparis and even small business owners and local school teachers pani.

I think it would be better if our political parties built new schools, hospitals or even started their own factories or small businesses kya.


And they can hire their own cadres and run them businesses ni baroo. Ani jahiley pani aroo lai lootey-ruh khaa-noo tuh pardai naw ni.

And now our comrades are acting like they did us a big favor by signing them trade agreement with the Desis. A year ago, our comrades burned down them office buildings of some Indian company working in some hydroproject in some gaun saun. Why? Well, it was a billion dollar project rey and our great communists had asked for some 'chiya kharcha'.... kati bhaney ni.... 70 crores rey.. 10 million dollars jati!

I don't think nobody will invest in our country until our Maoists, Madeshi and other nautanki trade unions stop acting like mobsters kya. Baroo, when the business starts making a profit then fight with the employers to give them employees some of it ni.. hoinuh ruh?

I think our workers should also realize that without them business-wallahs, there will be no jobs for them kya. If they want a permanent, nice cozy job then they should ask their trade union leaders to get them some sarkari jaagir, where you don't need to work and you still get paid and you will never be fired.

Trade unions in Nepal don't really care about them workers. Them union leaders are only interested to raise funds for their 'mother' party so that one day, he or she will get into them 'main' committees and be a thulo neta or neti-ni.

Look at Shalik Ram Jamarkattel, the 'Mao Inc' ko trade union ko leader. He is worth around 100 croroes rey. Well, he was attacked recently by his own comrades (from a different faction) but he still runs the show kya.

Our great Maoists were anti-gambling and anti-drinking and what not when they first started out ... but I guess they are no longer the naive gaunleys with their silly '40 point' demand semand kya.

They are now city slickers... and all them casino workers are now members of the Maoist trade union and they even have bought out some owners (voluntarily.. hehe) and are running them casinos themselves.

What's next? They can start their own breweries and even get into the 'Whiskey' business hola. All dance bars in the valley pay 'weekly' hafta to them YCLs and other Maoist organizations.

And we all thought our comrades were fighting for the people hagi. No they were not and they won't be doing that in the future either. They only want a few more Rupees and they really don't care if our folks lose their homes, gambling at them casinos or if them women are being exploited at them dance bars etiyaadi.

Them employers need them workers. And if the business doesn't survive then both of them will lose ni.... euta ko tuh ghar shar nai janey bhayo bank ko loan ley.. ani majdoor ko ghar baar chal-daina if they are out of jobs ni.

Yes, we do need them trade unions to fight for them workers but our political parties and their unions are not really helping them workers ... baroo ulto exploit gari raakho chan.

And them union netas better change their 'All business owners are chors and need to be extorted' attitude... because someday, all them factories and even them small businesses will all close down and there will be no one to extort kya.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Off to New York...


Prachandoo, our Emperor is once again flying to New York City to ask them UN-wallahs for some support for his 'Lumbini' plan slan. And he is taking a Congressi neta and a banker with him. But why the @$!# does he need to take his son with him whenever he flies to them foreign lands kya?

Yes, I understand that he was a computer operator when Prachandoo was our Prime-Monster ... abuh chai kay title liyeruh gaako ho kunni? And he gets to travel with his daddy at our taxpayers' expense kya! Kya mazza hamra communist haroo lai.. sabai capitalist rastra haroo ko vraman gardai basnoos!

I think our current crown prince should enjoy his foreign trips and upload more pics on his Facebook albums kya. Thank God... we are not India where them netas' kids go on to head them parties and become netas as well!

Look at Rahul Gandhi. He will be heading the Congress Party next year. At least here in our home, we don't have that kind of 'hereditary' succession kya. Well, we had them 'Rana Shashun' ni but that was 60 years ago... but we should be happy that Sujata Koirala will not be Queen and Prakash Dahal will not be our Emperor anytime soon kya.

I have no freaking idea why Prachandoo sarkar is in such a hurry to promote his 'Lumbini' master plan and ask for them foreign investors to pitch in? Or he just wants to keep himself busy while Baburam dai is living in Baluwatar hola ni.

The PLA combatants fought for their party not for Nepal kya. So, I think Mao Inc. should pay their 'package' deal ni. And since Prachandoo sarkar is cozy with Manoj Bahadur Shrestha, the chairman of Himalayan Bank.. maybe Manoj sahuji can pay them combatants hola?

Manoj dai might not be in the news or them papers like them Khetans, Chow-dhurys or Golchas but I hear... he has more dough than them marwaari sahujis rey. And why is a private bank ko chairman hanging out with Prachandoo sarkar?

Something is fishy hagi... maybe our comrade chairman can only trust another chairman... after all both are byaparis ni. Yestai ho ... nakkali communists haroo ko taal. Or maybe sabai Mao Inc. ko paisa Himalayan Bank ma nai rakhya holan tuh?

I think it's about tyam, somebody opened a new 'communist' party hola. @$#! Mao, Lenin and Stalin.. abuh Communist Party Nepal (Che) soo-roo garnoo parla ni.

And you don't even need to extort them business houses or local school teachers to fund your party event kya. Nearly all so-called 'liberal' Kathmanduites have a 'Che' t-shirt or topi or bandana ni... hehe!

I hope our comrade chairman enjoys his visit to Amrika again. And may his son take thousands of pictures and maybe make a Youtube video hola..... afnai ni.. hotdog khaa-ko, coffee ruh bagel chapa-ko, Jackson Heights ma gayeruh Nepali restaurant ma sukuti ruh dhi-do nileko etiyaadi!

And our comrade chairman wants to meet Obama rey and have like a late lunch with him and spend an hour or two at the White House rey. Obama is worried about getting re-elected kya..... I don't think he would want to hang out with a vice-chairmen of some 'nakkali' Chinese NGO ni.

Ahiley tuh Prime-Monster pani hoinuh.... yetti kai Obama lay bhetyo bhaney bholi feri Jon Stewart lay joke banau laa ni Obama ko .. hehe!

Friday, November 4, 2011

If I become the Prime Monster!


We have had four Prime-Monsters (Prime-Ministers!) since 2008 and hope Baburam dai will be our last when they wrap things up and we can finally have a general election and a 'real' government to take care of our needs kya.

Ahiley tuh, it's more like a 'looting season' where all them budget is shared by the political parties and instead of building schools, health posts and better roads... all them dough goes to them local leaders and their chamchas.

Our netas have once again made them deals seal... now it's the seven-point agreement rey and hopefully, our comrades will finally be happy with the integration and them package deals for their combatants!

Mohan Baidya is not happy. He never was and will never be... that's how all grumpy old men are. I think he will enjoy going for his annual 'prostrate' exams hola baroo!

Remrow's topic for today is 'If I become the Prime Monster' .... hehe! So let's suppose, Guffadi becomes the Prime Monster .... there isn't much I can do hola.

If we had them general election and Guffadi party wins the majority then I could do something as a Prime-Monster because then I wouldn't have to worry about my coalition partners and compromise with them ni.

I would have like 5 years to do the job that I promised to do and after that them voters would decide ni... if I really kept my promises or not... hoinuh ruh?

Ahiley ko situation ma tuh, nobody really can do much but Baburam dai is really trying his best and looks like he might pull it off. We do have our comrade chairman ni feri. Big Boss tuh Prachandoo nai ho ni.. hehe!

So let's begin my 'If I become' guffs hai.

As a PM, I would have my own radio show.... yes, Baburam dai did try it but I would have my own radio show at 11pm, every night kya! Harek Raat, ek ghanta guff suff with the Prime Monster hehe!

I would play some cool songs and talk about my daily schedule and what I accomplished hola. And people can call to request their songs or complain about some sarkaari hakim who asked for a bribe or something.

Not everyone can get through hola but we can do 'lucky draw' sucky draw kya. Just leave your number with the PM's office and we will call random folks and they can talk with the PM ni.

I would also ask SP Ramesh Kharel to head the 'Police Reform Commission' or something like that and come up with new regulations for our men and women in blue. No smoking, swearing, extorting or drinking while on duty. If they don't follow the rules then their pictures will be uploaded online and will have to perform a year long community service by cleaning up Bagmati!

All government employees will have to come to work on tyam and stay in the office and do their job. Well, you do get sick leave and what not ni.. but if you are not doing your job then your profile will be uploaded ... to the PM's website 'Hall of Shame' kya!

I would also ask Lee Kuan Yew to visit Nepal or ask some of his Singaporeans to help us plan a new 'fine' system for everything.

Throw your trash out on the street... then you will pay 1 lakh fine (installment ma pani pay garey hooncha) and 1 year community service, cleaning up Bagmati hehe!

Play loud music after 10pm and disturb your neighbors and your music system will be donated to the local government school and you will be asked to work as a janitor there for at least six months.

And for them 'speeding micros' and jpt chalau-ney bikers... your driver's license will be suspended for a year and will be fined 1 lakh nai and you will have to clean Bagamti for a year pani.

So I think, I will just focus on one thing hagi. My election campaign ko naara nai tyehi hoonay ho ki kya ho 'Sabai chor haroo lai 1 barsa Bagmati Safa garauney ruh 1 lakh jariwaana' hehe!

Baburam dai decided to ride a Mustang. I will get a bicycle kya. Wouldn't it be fun ... the PM riding a cycle and all his security personnel also joining in. And once a week, I would ban all vehicles from the street and have a 'Bicycle' day everywhere.

Abuh tuh Kathmandu ma, cycle maatraw chalau-nauh dinoo parney bela bhayee sakyo kya.

Anyways, it's not easy being a PM. We all know that. You will always have that cousin who wants you to help him get the government contract or your mama ko chora ko saali ko bhai who wants to be the next Ambassador to the US. And not to forget them 'opportunist' chamchas who want to make millions while you are in the 'hot' seat kya.

I think I will just wear a helmet (web cam install garney ni) so people can just get a 'live' feed or something... except when I am in the loo or having a very 'sensitive' meetings ni... hehe!

Looks like I am talking more about what I would do if I became the mayor of Kathmandu hola.. hehe! Anyways, it's not that we don't have competent people, be it them netas or sarkari hakims or bus drivers or cops .... etiyaadi!

It's about tyam, our netas let them sarkari wallahs do their job and reward the good ones and punish the 'chor' haroos. And if I really became the Prime Monster then I would ask my cadres, chamchas and cousins to do a good job and if they go around extorting and using my name for their personal benefit then I would ask SP Ramesh Kharel to make sure that they are tied to a tree, caned and the video will be uploaded on Youtube!


The Mother of all Agreements...


They say ‘timing is everything’ and our comrade chairman would probably do well as a chess grandmaster. He seems to know when to make the right moves.

Our media wallahs tell us that this time the ‘seven-point’ deal is for real and we should expect the peace process to come to a closure soon. Should we award our netas ‘brownie points’ and be happy?

If this is the real deal then once everything is wrapped up, we can top the Amrikis by installing a 10 foot, one ton statue of our great wizard in the middle of Ratna park.

Reagan was an actor then a politician … in our great country, all politicians are actors! So it’s probably hard to believe whether our netas are really sincere this time or maybe they are just agreeing to play cool so that they can extend the CA’s term for another six months.

Well we are in a fix. We can’t stop our great politicians from running, or shall we say, extending the show. We are just mute spectators but if all ends well then we will do our share of clapping and maybe give them a standing ovation.

We have seen so many deals in the last five years that another new ‘deal’ might not really excite us anymore. But we should give our politicians the benefit of the doubt one last time and maybe forgive them for their poor performance so far.

Politics is different and so are politicians. Old enemies become friends. They forgive and forget and they move on. In real life, friends become enemies and they will keep on whining about how the other screwed up at every weddings, paasneys and bartabands where mutual friends may show up.

Most of ‘Nepali’ business partnerships begin between old friends and by the time it ends, they are sworn enemies for life and even after-life.

Politicians make deals like we common citizens make chiya. So don’t fret if they forget the ‘special’ chiya they drank yesterday. We can all learn from them. Don’t live in the past, don’t worry about the future, just try to make the most out of the present!

We can learn from our great ‘netas’ and the art of surviving is to make deals left and right and it really doesn’t matter if you don’t honor them. You can always make a new deal to honor the previous deals kya.

Our chairman got a lot of flak for being part of a hard to believe ‘3 billion dollar’ deal to help Disney-fy Lumbini. I think it would have been better if he had asked the so-called organization to hire a proof-reader before they start handing out awards and stuff.

And we are still a nation and not yet a federation of princely states so it is always better for any foreign organization, existent or not, to go through a proper government channels rather than just ask our so-called VVIPs to lobby for them.

Anyways, the chairman is expected to fly to New York tomorrow. He is meeting the UN football team’s captain for coffee and a bagel with cream cheese please! They will be talking about Lumbini.

Our comrades really seem to love Lumbini and many seem to have found God again even though they claim to be atheists. Hope one day they will also celebrate Halloween. Some of our Kathmanduites have already started to and it’s probably the right time to form a struggle committee and petition for an official holiday next year.

Nepal Tourism Year has not ended yet and our government is already gearing up for the next tourism campaign. Lumbini Visit Year 2012 is now right around the corner.

And our government has formed a 108-member organizing committee to make it a success. I hope all our political parties and their sister organizations have already reserved their share of seats in the committee. It sure has done wonders for our local development thanks to the all-party mechanisms in our local bodies.

I am happy that our singing nun, Ani has been chosen as one of the goodwill ambassadors but whoever came up with the idea of having Jackie Chan, Rekha and Shah Rukh Khan as goodwill ambassadors?

It’s actually a great idea. Why not also invite Keanu Reeves? After all, he played Buddha while Shah Rukh only played Ashoka! And maybe Jackie dai will show us a stunt or two and Rekha auntie is still stunning as ever.

Now, we need to figure out how to relocate the polluting cement factories, build an international airport, highways, and enough hotels to accommodate the tourists in less than 60 days. Well, only the Chinese can do it. I hear they can build skyscrapers in less than a week!