Saturday, May 31, 2014

Rip off the Public




Our incompetent government celebrated the 7th Republic Day with the usual circus acts such as releasing the pigeons, march-past by our security personnel and showering flowers from Army helicopters. We need some creative folks to organize such events instead of the civil servants who have been following the same routine forever.

Save our pigeons, flowers and fuel.  Yes, even the pigeons must be cursing our clowns who seem to hold the bird as if they are taking a chicken for lunch. The flowers can be used to honor the real heroes instead of the freeloaders. 

And Nepal Army should be using their helicopters to rescue the common folks during natural disaster instead of hovering over Tundikhel and showering flowers on our buffoons.

We have been a Republic since 2008 but the people are struggling to live a decent life whereas our  corrupt clowns, civil servants and contractors have been busy ripping off the public. Our government must stop hosting such events at Tundikhel.  

This is a New Nepal but we seem to be sticking to the same old routine.  So, let's hand over the other half of Tundikhel back to the public because the Army doesn't need the space except to hold such parades for our buffoons. 

And our security personnel are better off helping the public instead of wasting their time rehearsing for such events.

Our incompetent government must move such functions to the National Stadium.  And instead of just our corrupt netas, civil servants and diplomats enjoying the show, please invite the public as well. After all, if the people had stayed home instead of taking to the streets, our netas would not be having fun today.

Next year, let's have the 'Republic Day' celebration at the national stadium and provide at least half the seats to the common folks.  The program should early at 6 in the morning and conclude by 10 am so that we can all go home and enjoy our dal-bhat instead of getting sun burn and suffering from dehydration if the program extends till the afternoon.

We should have all ethnic groups show us their local dances and skills such as horse riding, shooting arrows and many more. And please get rid of the march-past by our security personnel.  

We need a march-past by all ethnic groups so that our children will know more about each other instead of just thinking that the army helicopters are used for showering flowers and carrying banners. 

The event should be broadcast live so that those of us who don't get tickets to the show can enjoy it at home. The government should also provide at least one packet of milk to all citizens so that they too can enjoy tea because not all of us will get to drink tea and eat biksoot with the President.

We do not have enough troops and weapons to display during the Republic Day parade like the Desis. But we can at least invite a state guest of honor like them and maybe ask the bideshi chief guest for some dough for our development projects by the end of the program.

It's a shame that our incompetent buffoons decided to postpone the celebration of 'International Everest Day' this year. It would at least been a kind gesture if our netas, civil servants and diplomats had taken a minute of silence to remember the Sherpas who lost their lives in the Everest avalanche recently during the Republic Day parade.

Common folks care about the country whereas our clowns only care about their cousins and cadres. If it was one of their own who had perished in Everest then they would have received millions of Rupees and be declared martyrs.  

Our netas remind us that foreign hands and right-wing forces want to take away all the gains made so far.  But it is them who have done nothing to institutionalize the democratic republican order in the country.  Nepotism rules over meritocracy.  

The political parties themselves are not democratic and yet they preach what they do not practice.  Our Home Minister himself violates traffic laws and parks his vehicle in the middle of the street. He does not need to use the zebra crossing or the overhead bridge while crossing the road because he thinks he owns this land of ours. 

And SSP Ramesh Kharel should not rant against his seniors because they are all hard working cops who had hoped to become AIGs without buying new briefcases for Bam Dev. Well, we already have our new AIGs and let us all believe that our Home Minister and his crew promoted them based on their merit instead of moolah!  

Let us all take a minute to remember and honor our martyrs who sacrificed their lives for a better tomorrow. We should also do the same for our Sherpas who have perished while climbing Everest. 

Our incompetent government may forget them but we must not.  Late Maya Angelou said it best .." You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated."

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Hello NaMo!



Our Prime Monster Sushil Koirala (SuKo) is flying to Delhi on Monday to attend the swearing-in  ceremony of Indian Prime Monster-elect Narendra Modi (NaMo). This is the first time that India has invited heads of states of the SAARC region to attend the swearing-in ceremony of a PM.
  
I hope someday, we will have a Prime Monster who will invite 10,000 foreign guests to his or her swearing-in ceremony.  And then organize a charity dinner where the guests will have to fork out a million dollars to eat dal bhat and take pictures with our PM. 

That would at least help us to get rid of our foreign debt and we will finally have enough dough to build a 10,000 MW power plant.

But the only folks with that kind of money are the Sheikhs from the Middle East, founders of tech companies, Hollywood celebrities and superstar athletes.  Let's hope the day will come when Rajesh Hamal joins politics and his party wins the majority to form the government.  

Hamal is a good fit to be our PM. He is tall enough to not look like a pygmy when taking pictures with heads of states from the West.  Hamal speaks fluent English and unlike our incompetent netas, he probably won't be speaking broken Hindi when he visits India. 

Hamal will probably use his acting skills to convince world leaders to build highways, hospitals and hydropower projects without any strings attached.  So let's be patient and wait for Hamal but for now, we will have to make do with incompetent buffoons dozing off in Baluwatar.

India thinks itself as a big brother and wants to have a say in how things are run in the neighborhood. I think it's time we had a SAARC version of the reality show 'Big Brother' where all the heads of states from the region are forced to live in a house for at least a week and the winner gets to run the show in the neighborhood for at least a year.  

The Desi Crown Prince Rahul Gandhi will now have to wait for maybe a decade before he can dream of sitting on the throne.  Maybe, by the time his beard grows grey, he will have enough time to improve on his oratory skills or BJP will be caught up in some mess so that the voters can bring his party back to power. 

Let 's hope that our SuKo will not be content with just drinking chai and samosa in Delhi. Instead of engaging in small chit-chat with NaMo, he should ask for big favors from India. It really doesn't matter whether Congress of BJP comes to power in India. 

The Desi foreign policy will not change much and unless our incompetent netas learn to flatter our chimekis, we will be getting only ambulances instead of bigger freebies.

SuKo has only three mobile sets to his name and we don't know how much NaMo has.  Suko is a bachelor and we don't expect him to find his other half in this life. NaMo is married but does not seem to be in touch with his Mrs, so he claims to be a born-again bachelor.  Maybe, he should update his relationship status on Facebook as 'complicated'.

SuKo's track record is pretty much zero and he has not been doing much since he moved to Baluwatar either. NaMo's track record was zero before he became the Chief Minister of Gujarat but he has done quite a lot on the economic front but has failed to protect the minorities. 

Let's hope thar NaMo will be the PM for all Indians instead of just trying to make the religious hardliners happy. If NaMo can do that then Rahul Gandhi will have to find a real job. NaMo hopes that his 'Gujarati Model' will do wonders for India. 

Our netas are still clinging to their own 'Hawatari' model of development. Our Chimekis are sprinting while we seem to be walking backwards.

Both SuKo and NaMo have at least one thing in common. Both have grey beards and it's time our SuKo used that to our advantage. Yes, let's have a 'Beard Diplomacy'. We can invite all influential Desis who sport beards to visit Nepal and provide them a week-long, free trekking holiday package. 

Maybe, the Desis will invite our bearded ones to India and they can visit Taj Mahal and Tirupati. How will that help us? Well, let's hope the bearded ones will get to bond and be brothers so that they can share ideas and dough to benefit both our countries! 

SuKo should remind NaMo that he was the one with the grey beard first as he is older by more than a decade and he should be treated as a big brother instead. Maybe, that will appeal to Namo's emotions, hopefully resulting in less interference in our domestic affairs by the Desis.  

SuKo should invite NaMo to Nepal and the first thing to do when he gets here is to visit Namo Buddha! 

Our netas should learn a thing or two from our chimekis. Bring in foreign investment, create jobs and reduce poverty instead of just making useless speeches and fighting with each other over who gets to eat more candy!

Saturday, May 17, 2014

What Would Buddha Do? (WWBD)




There were hundreds of programs across the country to celebrate Buddha Jayanti this year.  We had cycle rallies, awareness rallies, pujas, walkathons and what not. But, most of us only remember Lord Buddha when the Desis claim that the 'awakened one' was born in India. 

Siddhartha Gautam was born in present day Nepal and achieved enlightenment and nirvana across the border. He would probably be our first Non-Resident Nepali (NRN) and the NRNA should have him as their patron saint. 

Siddhartha had a mid-life crisis at the early age of 29 and left his family, wealth and everything to seek enlightenment. Our netas start with nothing, sacrificing everything to fight the system but when they get power, they are busy looting instead of sticking to their principles that got them there in the first place. 

I think it is a great disrespect to Buddha's birthplace and his teachings whenever our corrupt netas visit Lumbini and ask us all to be like Buddha. What about the crooked good for nothing freeloaders themselves? When will they learn to at least follow some of Buddha's teachings so that they can promote good governance?

If our corrupt clowns were to follow Buddha's teachings then they would have to stop lying and cheating to enrich themselves. They would not be asking their cadres to engage in violence and destroying public property. They would be leading a simple life instead of wasting our taxpayers money to live like the Shree Tins.

Our Comrade Chairman had earlier promised us that he would bring billions of Dollars to Lumbini with the help from an non-existent Chinese NGO.  

Well, we are still waiting for the US$3 billion investment for the Disney-fication of Lumbini. We are also waiting for an international airport so that millions of Buddhist tourists can fly straight to Lumbini.

But Lumbini isn't getting any new investment anytime soon. So, it would be better if we promote a 'walking trail' to Lumbini from Kathmandu. Tourists will land in Kathmandu and then prepare themselves for a month long walking tour all the way to Lumbini. It would probably benefit all the chiya pasals along the way instead of only the domestic airlines and hotels around Lumbini. 

I think we should have a 'What Would Buddha Do?" campaign and pressure our netas to act according to Buddha's principles. I know that it is only wishful thinking but Baburam seems to be the only person who could be like Buddha. 

After all, he has decided to concentrate more on study and research instead of hanging out at Peris Danda and getting into verbal cat-fight with the Emperor.

Baburam is okay. Hisila Yami Didi is not. So, if Dr. Saheb really wants to be like Buddha then this is the right time to leave everything to seek enlightenment. 

We know that our 'great one', the Emperor will never step down and be a simple cadre. He can't let go off all the muscles and money that he has managed to amass in the past decade. 

Baidya Ba is back and is now busy hanging out with both Laurel and Hardy. Our comrades talk about uniting all communists and we hope they would be successful in their 'unity' natak. At least, our fake VAT bill byaparis won't have to pay off four different communist trade unions. 

Maybe, the FNCCI wallahs should help the Emperor and his courtiers to bring all communists under one big tree and then ask them to meditate for a few days. If that doesn't free their minds then God help us all. But instead of leaves, the tree should have money. 

Yes, tie up bundles of notes and that could really help our communists to see the light. After all, our comrades who claim to fight for the people have been peeing on people's aspirations for the past two decades.

The Congressis are no better and the Madhesi parties only care about the moolah instead of helping the folks in the Terai region. This is the land of Buddha and yet we have only been governed by a bunch of thieves for the past two centuries. 

We now have many monasteries around Kathmandu Valley. The great Lamas in remote regions visit Kathmandu by chartering helicopters and stay in five-star hotels. Yes, they receive financial support from many Buddhists around the world but instead of only organizing special pujas and sermons, why not help the poor in their surrounding communities as well?

We cannot expect our netas or even religious and social leaders to change overnight but come next election, whenever that will be, let us vote for candidates who have integrity and  high moral character instead of the regular bunch of liars, thieves and freeloaders! 

Until then, let us all be like Buddha and be happy and content with what we have instead of cheating the next person to make a few Rupees more. 

Saturday, May 10, 2014

The Right to Loot



Our corrupt netas loot the state treasury so that their clans and cadres can live a good life. Our civil servants ask for bribes from service seekers so that they can make enough to pay the mantri for lucrative postings and set aside some dough to build a mansion in the capital. 

Our contractors do shoddy work so that they can build a nice villa in the outskirts of the valley. And we can't expect much from our contractors because they need to set aside chiya kharcha for our civil servants and mundrey gundas who are affiliated to major political parties. 

I think we will see the result of their inferior work, come rainy season, when all the newly paved roads will develop potholes the size of a pond.

And, we have our taxi wallahs who threaten to block the streets of Kathmandu if they are not allowed to tamper their meters. We have the transport wallahs who do not allow other vehicles to ply on the road because it's their area and they act like they own the highways.  

Our fuel tanker wallahs who get paid to transport the fuel for Nepal Oil Corporation now threaten to halt all distribution of fuel because they get caught looting. 

The tanker wallahs have been stealing fuel for ages but I guess someone forgot to pay the thulo mancheys and they got busted. We all know that we have been using adulterated fuel products but we are not in the position to take action against them chors. 

Those in authority have been making money from the byaparis and as always, it's us, the consumers who suffer. 

It's ironic that half of our political parties call themselves communist and claim to be fighting for the people but instead are actually 'wild capitalist pigs' who do not care about the problems of common citizens. 

I think they should get rid of the sickle and hammer nataks and just have bundle of banknotes as their party flags.

It seems like everyone is making money except the common folks. The clowns, civil servants, cops, contractors and con artists are making millions of Rupees whereas millions of us have no choice but to go to foreign lands to make a few Dinars and Ringgits. So when will all this looting stop?  

Some of us had expected the great comrade chairman to be our knight in shining armor. We were ready to forgive and move ahead hoping that the Maoists would finally take us to the promised land. 

But like the previous players, the comrades were busy looting the state funds and having fun. What happened on the way to Kathmandu?  

Why do our netas, who are willing to sacrifice their lives when they are fighting against the system, suddenly develop amnesia and morph into the evil oppressor they had fought against?

Our political parties tend to split because of petty issues.  Someone did not get to be the central committee member, let’s split. The other guy didn’t get the bottle of Red Label during Dashian, so it's time to split. If your cadres don't get access to state funds then it's time to break up the party and form your own circus company.  

Our netas who once travelled on foot in remote areas now need choppers to do the same. Our netas need bigger gas-guzzling SUVs and armed security personnel to drive around in the city now but before they hit the jackpot, they were more than happy to squeeze into the micro and feel and breathe the sweat of the common folks.  

Our great Emperor has once again shown us that he is not willing to let go off the money and muscles.  He wants to be the leader of his party for life. Dr. Saheb walked out of the national convention and is now in China.  He wants to learn the development model of the dumpling gang. 

So let us all learn a thing or two from our smarty pant! It's never too late to learn new stuff.

Baidya Ba is hell bent on picking fights with India and wants to prevent the Desis from investing in the hydro power projects in the country. Baidya Ba is still pissed at being arrested in India many years ago. 

If Baidya Ba and his angry birds really care about the people then they should operate fuel tankers and taxis so that the consumers will get clean and unadulterated fuel and won't have to pay double the meter fare.

The UML have been postponing their own convention because their leaders can't seem to agree on anything. Jhallu Baba is in China because he really wants to try out the shark fin soup. Maybe, he should launch his new music album in China and ask the Chinese to sing it in Mandarin. 

We are not sure if we will get the so-called constitution in a year but we are pretty certain that the looting will continue. Maybe, we should all wear sturdy boots and get on with the football 'World Cup' fever and practice some free kick skills on our chors. 

Just imagine their back side as the ball and go for it! And maybe, ask your buddy to capture it in your mobile and YouTube it as well. This country needs arse-kickers to fight against the arse-kissers!

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Cash for Clowns




It's good to be a neta in this land of ours. They get free vehicle, fuel, security, chiya kharcha and when they have health problems, they get to fly abroad and seek medical treatment at the expenses of our taxpayers. But the common citizens have to empty their pockets to get even the basic of all services. 

Our brothers and sisters in remote areas have to spend lakhs of Rupees to charter helicopters to seek medical treatment in the capital. But if you are a corrupt clown then you don't have to spend a penny on your own because our cash-rich government will go all out to make sure that you get the best treatment available abroad. 

You spend your whole life fooling the public and one day, you get to be one of the so-called top leaders and that's when you get all the dough rolling in. Once you hit the jackpot, you get all the freebies the state has to offer and it will even be enough for your clan, cadres and far away cousins.

Our great leader KP Oli is in Bangkok and our government is happy to provide Rs 4 million for his treatment.  Our Prime Monster, who seem to have only three mobile phone as asset, has directed government officials to adopt all possible measures for Oli's treatment. 

Let's hope that someday we will have someone in Baluwatar who will direct government officials to adopt all possible measures to provide free healthcare to common citizens instead of only for corrupt clowns.

KP Oli is not a poor man. He has enough cash and land to fund his treatment on his own. But why are our clowns happy to receive free cash and benefits from the state coffer even when they don't need it?  

We have hundreds of Swami-jis from India visiting our land to promote peace and all the natak that comes with simple living and high thinking. And our netas meet and greet them but learn nothing from the preaching of the so-called gurus. 

But of course, most of our byaparis are also followers of such Swamis and yet, they continue to make money from fake VAT bills and adulterated products. Maybe, the Swamis are fake or his followers are just making sure they go to heaven by building temples and providing cash to the Swami and his entourage.

Our government hospitals are mostly run down due to mismanagement and limited resources whereas the private byaparis open hospitals and over-charge us to make tons of profits. The Desis built a trauma center in the middle of the city but our government has yet to begin operation because everybody wants to make some money in hiring and procuring medical equipment. 

Instead of spending millions for our clowns, our government should buy air ambulance so that the common folks can use them to fly to Kathmandu for medical treatment. It would be better if we had better hospitals in the districts. 

Maybe, we should ask all our foreign donors to build hospitals in all the districts in the country and they can operate our health posts in all the VDCs as well. 

After all, our government neither has the funds nor the human resources to help us and it would be nice if we had a competition for bideshis to run the best hospitals in the country. Yes, instead of wasting millions of dollars on so-called peace building and other nataks, our bideshi donors should spend more to build better hospitals.

But of course, our sarkari medical quacks and private byaparis will join hands to fight foreign help to make sure that they continue to make money by providing inadequate medical services to the common folks. 

A doctor who spends decades working in district hospital gets nothing from the government when he suffers from cancer but politicians who spend decades taking this country down the drain gets millions so that they can get the best available treatment.  

Instead of going to Delhi, Bangkok, Singapore, Tokyo and even far away to New York to seek medical treatment, our clowns should have asked the hospitals there to open their branches here in this land. Thousands of us now go to India and spend lakhs of Rupees to seek better medical treatment for our families. We do not get any help from the government and we have to use our own savings. 

But our clowns have no shame in getting funds from the state coffer for their medical treatment. Our politicians act as if the country owes them everything. Just because you have the ability to dish out hundreds of useless speeches doesn't make one a good politician. And just because you are a politician doesn't mean that you get free money at our expense. 

Let's all wish KP Oli a speedy recovery so that he can come back and be the new UML chairman. But KP Dai, please use your network, funds and cadres to build a world-class hospital and leave a legacy instead of just being one of them who got to enjoy all the perks and left us with nothing.