Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Silent Majority

The No Oil Corporation (NOC) has done us all a great favor by reducing the price of a liter of petrol by two rupees. Our bike-wallahs lining up to fill their tanks can now use that saving to suck on a candy or two to pass time.

It’s about time our caretaker government introduced some kind of an odd-even vehicle plate system in the valley. It could help to ease traffic congestion, air and noise pollution and our NOC could cut down their losses. 

But of course the NOC wallahs will always find a way to skim off money.  After all, they are as rich as the Emirs from the oil kingdoms!
Our caretaker government should sell all their expensive gas-guzzling vehicles and get cycles for our hakim sahebs. The Army chief is into cycling even if it’s only on Fridays. 

Dr. Saheb should top that by walking to work every day. Maybe then he will realize how much dhulo from the road widening project has affected the health of valley residents.
The No Electricity Authority (NEA) has increased the load shedding hours again. Why are we not surprised?  Dr. Saheb had earlier promised us that he would do everything in his power to  keep the load shedding hours to 12 hours max this winter.
Our netas have always been good at making empty promises and Dr. Saheb is no exception. Yes, we feel sorry for our Ali Baba because he has to make deals with forty thieves but you can’t keep on blaming your players when you are the team captain. 

If you can’t take the heat then quit instead of coming up with new nataks every month.
The cold wave has killed many folks across the country. Dr. Saheb should provide blankets to the needy ones but of course he is busy looking for extra-strength super-glue to hang on to his koorchi.

One of our sisters returning from the Middle East is robbed then raped by our government employees. 

The Immigration wallahs at our international airport are vultures. They have been trained to ask stupid questions and then exploit them folks who are either going or coming back from foreign lands. And if you are a woman and traveling alone then you are more likely to be harassed by these evil gnomes.
The police wallahs deployed at the international airport are not selected on the basis of their merit or skills. Either you need to be a cousin of a cousin of the neta or you need to pay the ‘quoted’ price to get the lucrative posting.
So when will this system change? It’s not going to happen until our mothers and sisters drag the rapist out of the police station and castrate him! We need to gherao the Department of Immigration and make sure that the guy who robbed the woman is tied to the electric pole and flogged publicly.
We do not have the death penalty but it’s about time we had strong laws to make sure that victims get justice and the criminals get the harshest punishment possible.
The caretaker government’s decision to provide Rs 1.5 lakhs to the victim is a slap against all women in the country. A criminal affiliated to a political party gets Rs 10 lakhs when he is killed by a rival gang. 

A woman whose hard-earned money has been robbed and then is sexually assaulted by the one who had sworn to protect the public is being treated like a nuisance.
Where are our naari organizations? Where are all them so-called women activists and civil society leaders? Are they all out of the country attending conferences and workshops on how to uplift the underprivileged Nepali women? 

Where is Hisila Didi?  Instead of running around town trying to get your siblings to head an organization or two, she should go to the police station and grab the rapist by his collar, bhut-lau him and give him a severe beating… and telecast the whole thing live on TV.
Nepal Police had earlier vowed to stop harassment of women in public vehicles and places. Whatever happened to their nautanki natak? We seriously need to change the way our security personnel deal with the general public. 

It’s high time we remind them that their salaries are paid for by our taxes. They have joined the force to serve the public but our public servants have become our masters.
Meanwhile, our beloved President is having fun visiting religious sites in India and getting a honorary doctorate of law. I hope he will do something about the attacks against women in this land of ours. 

Our women are being burnt, raped and murdered but we are not outraged. When will we finally have the courage to stand up and fight against them evil doers?

Saturday, December 22, 2012

The End of The World

The world did not come to an end yesterday. It’s bad news for some of us. We still have to deal with load shedding, limited water supply and erratic mobile network. For some of our byaparis, they will once again have to worry about paying back their loans and at the same time will have to crack their brains on how to safely hide from angry clients who have paid the full amount for their dream homes that have yet to be built.

We can’t do much except hope that somebody will come up with a new doomsday prediction and we can look forward to the end of the world again. If the world was really going to end then them NASA folks would have alerted all of us.

The CIA people might not reveal the bad news to the rest of the world but they would probably make sure that all American Citizens got their seats on them spaceships a week before any asteroid hits the Earth. Richard Branson would probably make a trillion since he’s really crazy about making widespread space travel a reality.

So the day you don’t find any Americans in the United States, then it’s time to figure out that the world is really going to end. If you stop hearing about Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble then it’s time to ask our local lads at the Pulchowk Engineering Campus to build us a home-made spaceship.

Our netas are the most worried lot since they did promise us that they would find the consensus clown to lead the national looting government by today.  Maybe that’s why they went around town barking like rabid dogs about how they would resolve the political crisis a day after the end of the world.

Well, the world did not end and now we have to go back to our daily life of shortages. We are not complaining. It’s great to be alive and we still have the opportunity to hope for a better tomorrow.

But our clowns have made our beloved President look like a fool. His Excellency continues to extend the deadline and our clowns continue to procrastinate as if they are really waiting for the world to end and then that would solve all their headaches.

Our President is not a crazy wacko like Zuma from South Africa. The South African President believes that he will be safe from HIV if he showers right after being intimate with a HIV-infected person. I think Zuma needs to take a health education class. Well, he’s now 70 but it’s never too late to get an education. Somebody really needs to talk to this guy and teach him safe sex practices.

South Korea now has the first female President. Hope someday, we too will have a woman at the top. The new South Korean President has to deal with the young cowboy from North Korea who likes to launch missiles up in the air. Maybe she can act tough and give him a cold stare and a stern lecture as well.

But of course, our President is a ceremonial figure and the only authority he seems to have is the admin control to undo the ‘unlike’ button on an Army Chief.  Apart from that, he doesn’t seem to have much to do except beg our clowns to get their act together.

A school teacher can fail students if they don’t submit their assignments on time.  Maybe, we should give our President a big bamboo stick and he should be given the authority to spank our clowns if they continue to act like juvenile delinquents. I really am not in favor of corporal punishment but since our laws don’t allow capital punishment, maybe a little bit of spanking will help to straighten out our band of hooligans.

So what should the President do? He could go on national television and throw a rant. Will that help? Probably not but it would at least give us a moment to clap whenever he calls them clowns ‘incompetent fools’. 

Obama is Time’s Person of The Year 2012… let us hope that one day our Lord Ramu will also get on the cover of Time Magazine for making us feel good and believe that things will be alright! Our clowns should learn a thing or two from Obama. Even if he can’t get things done, you still like him because he tells you that there is hope for a better tomorrow.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Bail out the country

The Emperor has paid the bail amount for the young man who suffers from involuntary hand twitches. The young man has admitted that the caressing of the Emperor’s cheek happened due to sudden burst of anger.  I guess it’s time for our youth to go do Vipassana and learn techniques to control one’s anger.

Our Emperor has enough funds to pay for our meditation courses. Well, the Maha-Maharaja has enough funds to bail out the country. Maybe he could be kind enough to give some of his stash to charity and help us improve our mental health.

Our clowns should all go do Vipassana and something good could come out of it. At least our netas will learn to speak less and listen more after they are done with the meditation course.  Instead of getting gaalis and jhaapads, we will probably then give our Swami-jis vegetable thaalis and papads.

Swami Ram Baran has once again extended the deadline for our crooks to find someone who will head the national looting team.  In the old days, you could win the crown if you could run like hell or if you could hit an apple on someone’s head with an arrow without blinding the person. 

In today’s time, you just need to be a cold-hearted son of a seedless cucumber who can share the loot and keep the other thieves satisfied. If Lord Ramu really wants our netas to get their act together, then he must gather courage to lock them fools inside Dharahara.

Let us not worry about refreshments and sofas for our lazy bums. They can all stand on the balcony and when they finally find the ‘right’ clown, they can light a torch and let us know who the incompetent fool will be.

Hisila Didi is in the news again. There’s nothing wrong with giving plum jobs and power to your siblings.  After all, we do have to take care of our family hoinuh ruh? In this great land of nepotism,  cadres, cousins and contractors get the goodies and common citizens get to buy cheap hoodies from Khasa.

Hisila’s sister is now the chairperson of KUKL and she has replaced the guy who was selected through free competition and is a drinkinig water expert.

Our netas don’t like experts because the brainy heads will spend their time trying to change the outdated system. Our buffoons spend their time trying every possible tricks to milk the system. They just want their loyal leeches to suck the funds dry and share some with their parties.

If you bring in the moolah, you get the party ticket to stand up for election. If you don’t, you just stay in the back bench and get free milk tea and share the newspaper with other disgruntled party members.

The Swiss are pretty good at making watches and chocolates.  We are good at buying them.  The Swiss are also kind enough to let folks stash their ill-gotten wealth in their banks.  Our netas are good at making dough from illegal means and are prospective clients for the Swiss banks.

The Swiss government has now informed our sarkari hakims that late King Birendra and his family do not hold any bank accounts or property in Switzerland.

I think the Swiss government could do us a favor by investigating financial accounts and apartments that belong to our patriotic netas in their land. Maybe they won’t find anything but it would provide be a good fodder for our newspapers.

The Kathmandu Metropolitican City (KMC) has organized a food festival. It will run until December 15th.  You can taste all kinds of food from different ethnic communities. KMC folks tell us that the event will help to unite the people.

With all that budget, the municipality can afford to give a free plate of vyar vyar momo to all those who pay land taxes in Kathmandu. Hope the municipality wallahs make sure they can dispose the trash from the event effectively without embezzling funds.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Looking for a ‘Consensus Clown’

The way things are going in our country, a monkey could be the right candidate to lead the so-called national unity government.  Maybe we should get one from Pashupati and have him or her pick out one of them funny cards from the roadside fortune teller when making decisions for the country. 

Our clowns would probably fare worse than the monkeys if they were given IQ tests.

Our political parties have now missed the second deadline and the President has given them six more days to drink tea, crack jokes and do nothing. The President should send our clowns to British Council so that they can learn a few Angrezi words like ‘consensus’, ‘constitution’ and maybe ‘competence’ as well.
While our netas attend the English course at the BC … they can always take their lunch break at the Indian Embassy nearby and enjoy the usual Desi masala-mix lunch. 

After all the Desis do provide free gift hampers to our incompetent nincompoops now and then. The British Embassy can provide free gin and tonic and maybe high tea as well.
 The Kangaroos want their old man to be our Prime Monster.  Wisdom comes with age but it looks our netas are the only group of senior citizens who have no clue on how to make things right.  

Most of us do make better decisions as we grow older. Our netas are a different breed. They continue to act like kids high on sugary drinks, throwing tantrums because they did not get a bigger piece of the birthday cake.
Let’s not be too harsh on them…. after all most of them buffoons have spent majority of their lives talking gibberish and have rarely held any jobs for a decent period of time.  

A year or two working in some school, firm or development projects won’t make one an expert.  If you can’t solve the problems then it’s better to hire folks who can resolve them. 

But our netas only care about their cadres and cousins while the common citizens will now have to think twice before ordering milk tea at the local chiya pasal.
It looks like only lazy bums are fit for Nepali politics. Well, we do have a few smarty pants like Dr. Saheb and other PhD wallahs but just because one has an advanced degree does not mean that the person is capable of making the perfect omelet.
Dr. Saheb could have done us a big favor if he had focused on getting all the clowns on the same bandwagon to write the so-called constitution. But he thought it would be better if we had wider roads so that all the ministers’ gaadis would pass without being stuck in traffic. 

It won’t make a difference even if we have a 12-lane highway in the middle of Kathmandu. We will continue to have idiot drivers and gung-ho bikers who want to show us all that it is possible to squeeze in between lanes without getting run over by a speeding Micro.
I am not against our smarty pant’s nautanki nataks but it’s time our caretaker government handed out free cough syrups and masks to help us deal with the dust storm. 

I hope Dr. Saheb can explain without going on a rant on why the government has decided to withdraw criminal cases against his party’s cadres.  Most of our mundrey gundas are affiliated to the political parties and our clowns do need them to do the dirty work here and there.
Our schools should get rid of ‘Moral Science’ classes because we would be sending the wrong message to our kids by teaching them to be honest and law-abiding citizen. 

I hope someday, a local bookstore will publish a book on how to beat the system. It will probably sell a million copies and maybe bag the Madan Puraskar as well.
The kuireys have ranked our country at the 139th position in the Corruption Perception Index (CPI). That’s not too bad… we are still a less corrupt than the 30+ other countries.  

Our peons want Chiya Kharcha, the section officers want fuel expenses and the hakim sahebs want a Santro for their Missus. And what about our netas? They want to amass enough dough to last seven generations.
But all good things must come to an end.  One day, the looting has to stop and the thieves must pay for their crimes.  

We are always looking out for a savior but we only spring into action when the electricity comes on. Some will rush to charge their mobile phones, some to catch the LIVE football game on TV and some will turn on the motor to fill up their water tyankie. 

We do need a jolt and maybe a kick in our backside to wake us all to demand hisab kitab from them morons. Maybe we should all meet up to find a consensus arse-kicker for now!

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Deadlines are for losers

I hope someone from the TU’s English Department will be kind enough to remind our clowns that deadline is the date when something must be completed.  

Yes, once in a while it might be extended, for instance, like when you are organizing a beauty pageant and you don’t get enough participants to cover your expenses.  Manpower companies do extend their deadlines whenever they have a hard time finding enough young folks to be exploited in the Middle East. 

But we are not talking about ‘Miss Ward Number 13’ or ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ here. While common citizens are still hopeful of a new constitution, our clowns are only worried about how to get their hands in the national coffer and enjoy the loot.

What’s the use of a deadline if you keep on extending it for eternity? We are not going to live forever but our buffoons act like they will still be around to see the Halley’s Comet in 2061 AD. 

We might never get 24 hour electricity or paani from Melamchi in our lifetime but at least give us a new constitution. It might not really make any difference in our lives but it will provide us an opportunity to gather at the local chiyal pasal and argue about the violations of articles of constitutions by our clowns.

When we say ‘Peace’, our freeloaders think it must mean ‘Piece’ and then go back to fighting over a piece of the pie.  What must we do to wake up our lazy bums?  A slap here and there is not going to scare these vultures. 

Maybe we should just clap every time one of them fools show up somewhere. If a clown shows up to inaugurate a toilet at the local school, just begin clapping and don’t even let the clown begin his or her speech. 

It will probably be the same lies that he or she has repeated a thousand times. So keep on clapping until the clown has no choice but to leave the venue, hop on a helicopter and head back to the capital.

A student will probably get a bad grade if he or she does not submit her assignments on time.  But there is no pressure for our stupid netas. They know very well that they are not going home with a failing grade if they don’t finish the assigned tasks on time. 

Their parents are not going to chase them with a broom or cut off their TV time.   And their kids are least bit worried about how their parents have ruined this country.  But of course, let us not blame the children for the sins of their parents. After all, most of them crown princelings seem not to follow the news.

Our beloved gave the clowns a week to find a so-called ‘consensus’ candidate for Prime Monster.  Our political parties failed to find the ‘right’ person to sleep in Baluwatar and asked for an extension. The President has once again given them a week to find the new ‘Maharaja’.

So what happens when our clowns can’t agree on the right clown by next week. They will once again ask for another extension and Lord Rama will probably have no choice but to oblige.

Our Emperor didn’t even last 9 months and although nobody had really asked for his resignation, he went ahead and quit because he couldn’t stand the heat. Or maybe he figured out that he would have more free time to hang out with the bidhesis if he stepped aside.

Makune could not win the hearts and minds of the voters but he still managed to crash at Baluwatar. The loser managed to spend 600+ days as our official jester and all he had to show for was a picture with the Obamas. Somebody should have told him to wear a nine-inch heels or he could have been on stilts instead.

Jhallu Baba became our Prime Monster. And what did we get? Nothing… and we really weren’t expecting much. Dr. Saheb can beat Makune’s record of day dreaming in Baluwatar if he manages to stick around until April.

 Baidya Uncle wants ‘Badal’ dai to be our next Prime Monster. Our Home Minister is also tired of being a ‘Deputy’. We don’t know how Badal will do but let us all pray that our Homie won’t be leading the next government. 

Our police wallahs are being forced to look the other way as our Homie hangs out with the mundrey gundas who are on the ‘most wanted list’.

If our clowns can’t agree on the ‘right’ candidate.. then they should either play a card game of marriage with the four finalists or just send the highest bidder to Baluwatar! 

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter to us how they play the game of thrones… we will just be skin and bones still waiting for our ice-cream cone!