Saturday, November 29, 2014

Back to reality



Well, the 18th SAARC Summit is over and it's back to the daily grind for all of us except for our clowns.  We will once again have to get used to the daily traffic jam whereas our clowns will get back to business of doing nothing but agreeing to disagree on everything. 

NaMo tells our clowns to give us a constitution based on consensus. Why can’t our buffoons get their act together without bidhesis telling them what to do? Maybe NaMo should also offer free scholarships and medical care for our clowns and their kids if they can deliver us a constitution by January 22nd,2015. 

After all, our freeloaders do not agree on anything unless they get more perks and benefits. Our foreign donors should also offer our freeloaders free trip overseas. Maybe, all of our Constipated Assembly (CA) members can go to Disneyland in Amrika once they give us a constitution.

We have spent billions of Rupees to host the two day event. Was it worth it? Well, most of our major roads are now clean and shiny but it will probably take our Road Department wallahs another decade or two finish their work on our inner roads. Let us hope that the new flowers and plants will survive for at least a month.

The even-odd license plate driving natak certainly made our lives miserable during the Summit but it could really help us ease our traffic jams if we made it permanent. I think it will also make us more productive as we will be scrambling to get things done today than putting it off for tomorrow. It will also help us save some fuel and breathe in less fumes as well. 

What's up with NaMo and NaSh? These two politicians were acting like lovers who recently broke up their relationship. They refused to acknowledge each other and were sulking during the Summit. But they did manage to look cool by finally shaking hands at the end of the day. 

Maybe, if these two bhai bhais were offered milkshakes at arrival then we wouldn't have to wait for two days to see the handshake. India and Pakistan will never get along and us, the chimekis will have to get used to it. I think they should sort out the 'Kashmir' issue over a game of cricket once and for all.

It would have been nice if NaMo had visited Janakpur, Lumbini and Muktinath but as usual, our incompetent buffoons managed to screw it up. NaMo can help us bring hundreds of millions of  Desi tourists for religious pilgrimage. But our government wallahs are not interested to renovate, upgrade and add more services at such religious places. 

Whatever happened to our Emperor's promise of bringing US$3 billion investment to Lumbini. I guess, we will have to wait for another election before hearing about another billion dollar investment in Lumbini.

I think we should invite NaMo once a month to visit at least one of our districts. Our government will probably do everything they can to build better roads and plant more flowers and what not. 

Nepal Tourism Board (NTB) won't have to spend millions of Rupees on promoting Nepal overseas.  The NTB folks can do us all a favor by visiting Delhi and shooting a minute long promotion by NaMo. 

Just ask him to request all Hindu Desis to visit Pashupatinath, Muktinath and Janakpur once in their lifetime. He can ask Buddhist Desis to visit Lumbini as well.  Upload the video in YouTube and when the Desis arrive in millions, we can all laugh all the way to the bank.

We are blessed with the highest mountains and beautiful natural sceneries. We have to thank God or plate-tectonics depending on our religious or scientific affiliation. But thanks to our incompetent government and transport mafia, we are losing out on making billions of dollars from tourism.

Once again, NaMo suffered from some kind of phobia whenever he is inside his bullet-proof vehicle. He had to get out and get some fresh Kathmandu air and mingle with the common folks. NaMo is the most powerful man in the SAARC region. He is not scared of the people but our own clowns are even scared to get out of their vehicle even when they are surrounded by our Rambos.

Let us all congratulate Sushil Da and his crew for making the SAARC Summit a success. We don't know if we will get anything out of it but it would be nice if all SAARC leaders had left with a plane full of promotional brochures to remind their people to visit our beautiful country.  

And our municipality wallahs should make sure that they continue their campaign to fine thousands of Rupees for litterers. Our Traffic Police should confiscate vehicles of reckless drivers for at least a month and Sushil Da should order government agencies to finish their road work, khaneypani pipe installation and other public works by next month.

What about the constitution? Let us all keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best. 

Saturday, November 22, 2014

From Dawn till Dusk




Our incompetent government has decided to help us all by opening some of our government offices for 12 hours a day. From December 16 onwards, our government offices providing so-called urgent services will remain open from 6:00am till 6:00 pm and even during public holidays.

If you are an early riser then you can pay your utility bills, renew your driving license and get a new passport while on your morning walk. Or you can do so while you go for vegetable shopping in the evening. 

Our civil servants are the most hardcore supporters of the 'Nepali Time'. They always show up one hour late and leave home an hour early. Now, we will have lazy bums working in two shifts, making us go round and round and waste half a day or even a few days to get the services we need. 

It would be better if our incompetent government made it mandatory for all civil servants to remain in their desks during working hours. We wouldn't be really needing two shifts if our 'Chiya Kharcha' wallahs showed up at work on time and didn't spend hours watching YouTube videos or playing 'Solitaire'.

Our civil servants get their tea served at their desks. Why do they need a 'Khaja' break that lasts half a day?  They can eat their chana-chiura or momos at their desks while they sign our papers. We won't mind. 

We all need bathroom breaks but it must not last longer than 10 minutes. Our civil servants disappear in the restroom for hours while the service seeker cannot last more than 10 seconds inside those stinky restrooms in our government offices. 

But most of us don't even know where the restrooms are and don't even think of using it because we are so caught up with trying to find out where the person who needs to sign our papers has disappeared.

I think our clowns who are enjoying all the freebies as our CA members should tighten up their belts or petty-coats and get serious about giving us a constitution by January 22nd, 2015.  

Our so-called leaders are busy either visiting remote districts or are out of the country, trying to kiss some bideshi arse. We hear that our Emperor was having fun with all the Kodo ko raksi and khaski ko masu while other loafers were in India trying to get some free laddoos from the Desis.

I think our cops should stop harassing the common citizens by frisking them at major checkpoints around the valley. It would be better if our government made it mandatory for all CA members to remain the valley until they can give us a new constitution. Our CA Chairman Subash Nembang has been repeatedly requesting our loafers to end the political deadlock and focus on giving us a new constitution. 

Nembang always reminds our freeloaders to not to disappear to foreign lands but none of our clowns seem to care. I think it's about time Nembang stop acting 'soft' and learn how to curse, swing chairs and even throw stuff at our CA members to show his displeasure at their nautanki nataks. Who cares about House rules and etiquette?  

Most of our CA members act like juvenile delinquents and seem to have no manners, morals or even an ounce of self-respect. Have you no shame? How can you continue to get paid to do nothing?

We, the common folks have got it all wrong. We go after our local plumber or electrician for messing up the work at our homes but we just watch and sit idle while our clowns are messing up this land of ours.

Our government should instruct the security personnel to prevent our freeloaders from leaving the valley or even the country. But our government and our civil servants only know how to harass the public. I think it's time we all got together and dug ourselves a tunnel so that we can at least reach the other end of the valley without worrying about our security personnel treating us like terrorists. 

It's a shame that our government can deploy thousands of security personnel to protect a dozen or more Very Irritating Persons (VIPs) but can't do the same to protect the common citizens in the valley.

Instead of deploying 26,000 security personnel, why not just declare a state-sponsored 'Kathmandu' Banda so that we can all stay home and enjoy a two-day holiday? That could at least save us millions of Rupees so that our security personnel won't have to work double shifts protecting the SAARC leaders from the Nepali people. 

We are not hosting the Olympics or the FIFA World Cup or some UN Summit where leaders from all over the world are coming to Kathmandu to eat our vyar vyar momos. It's just the SAARC Summit where nothing really happens. It's not like Putin and Obama will be in town to try our local rice beer or vodka. 

Maybe Sushil Da can ask NaMo and NaSh to stop their intelligence agencies from meddling into other chimeki's business. I think it would be better if these two Na Na got together and invaded Britain. 

After all, Let us all the blame the British for the mess in our region. The colonies get free passes while comrades in arms get short-shifted! If the British were really our friends, then they would have at least given us a beach or two!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Return of NaMo


First of all, let us thank our incompetent government for giving us a two-day public holiday during the SAARC Summit. Our schools and colleges will be shut down for four days so that our students can stay home and enjoy the break. Our hardworking civil servants can also take their break from seeking bribes from service seekers. 

I think hosting the Summit is a waste of our taxpayers money. Instead of renovating here and there, why not organize a bare-bones Summit? Yes, let us all have our SAARC leaders sit cross-legged on a sukul mat. We can serve them a Newari bhoj while they take turns delivering their hawa-tari speeches. NaMo will get a vegetarian menu!

And instead of wasting billions of Rupees on temporary makeover of the city, our government should have organized the whole natak in Lumbini. A mountain flight for our SAARC leaders and a quick lunch at Lukla could save us a whole lot of money instead of wasting millions on helicopter rides for a one-day retreat in Dhulikhel. 

While our PM and his chamchas will enjoy the holiday, rest of us will have to walk to work and burn some calories or stay at home and add more.

Instead of impressing the heads of states of the SAARC nations by making our lives miserable, our buffoons should impress us by at least coming out with the first draft of the constitution before the SAARC Summit. But that's not possible because our freeloaders can't seem to agree on anything.  

Our Emperor must have really missed Rolpa and the bunkers there. If he really wants to win our hearts and minds then he should move out from his Lazimpat residence and live in a one room apartment. And instead of riding around in a luxury vehicle, why not use public transport like the rest of us.

Dr. Saheb is busy trying to keep up with his Twitter celebrity status. He wants us to let him govern us for five years and if he can't turn us into Singaporeans then we are free to shoot him. But the common citizens can only afford to buy gums and not guns. 

And we do believe in peace unlike our clowns who just want a piece of the loot. Baidya Ba is busy preparing plans to invade India next year. And Netra Dai wants to launch another arm struggle by next week.

NaMo visited us in August and gave his Oscar-winning speech. This time around, he wants to visit Janakpur and  Lumbini and address the public as well. NaMo also wants to distribute 3,000 bicycles to school children in Janakpur. 

Our incompetent government cannot afford to provide bicycles to our kids because they don't have any funds. But all our clowns get to ride around in luxury vehicles and get free fuel, maintenance kharcha and armed guards to protect them from malnourished citizens.

NaMo has visited Japan and the United States in September and he will get done hanging out in Myanmar, Australia and Fiji before the SAARC Summit. Wherever NaMo goes, he wants billion dollar investment for his country. What about our leaders? They only go to Japan and the United States for free medical treatment at the expense of our taxpayers. 

Our netas should learn a thing or two from NaMo. First, hire an advertising agency to write your speech. I am sure our Nepali copywriters can come up with creative one-liners and heart-warming slogans. 

Second,  try to wear the same kind of outfit. Our Maoists did try their best with 'grey' coats. If our comrades had at least one person with an advertising background then they would have claimed that Mark Zuckerberg was a Maoist. After all, the Facebook founder wears a grey t-shirt everyday.  

Third, instead of begging for free ambulances, bicycles and other grants to build bridges where there are no rivers, why not encourage bideshis and NRNs and our migrant workers to invest in Nepal? 

Yes, give them tax breaks and incentives. It would also be nice if our government also thought about our small business owners in the country instead of only making life easier for our fake-VAT bill byaparis.

The Chinese have pledged to invest US$20 billion in India within the next five years. The Japanese have pledged US$35 billion. I think we should just ask the Chinese and the Indians to invest in all joint-venture projects in the country. If that happens, then our politicians can't accuse each other of being foreign stooges. 

And we also can't leave out our clowns who lobby for the West. Yes, let's invite the Americans and the Europeans as well. I think our dreams of having a 40,000 MW electricity in 20 years is possible if we can ask all the major foreign donors to come together to help us end loadshedding and make some money from our rivers. 

If  our clowns really thought like NaMo then they would be asking bideshis to invest in their districts. Switzerland can help Solukhumbu. Japan can help Janakpur. We just need to match the districts with the foreign countries. 

What about Kathmandu?  I think Kazakhstan will do. If we build a statue of the Kazakh President then who knows, we might get some free oil and maybe a box of uranium as well. If Former British PM, Tony Blair can make millions giving PR advice to the Kazakh dictator then who are we to talk about human rights and democracy? 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Father Knows Best



Chintan Poudel has been appointed the executive vice-chairman of Poor Family Identity Card Management Board.  He is reported to have an MBA from India and was working for some cable company in the capital.   

I guess he got tired of working 9 to 5 and wanted to join the public sector where he will get facilities and perks equal to a government secretary. After all, if you are working for a private company, then you cannot slack off.  You have to show up at work on time and only leave when the day is over unless you own the company.

But if you are a civil servant or get appointed to one of our public bodies then you can throw away your watch. Time will wait for you. You can even collect your paycheck even if you don't show up for work like some of our public school teachers. 

Chintan will probably get paid for showing up for a few meetings in a month. He will just have to show up for a free chiya and biskoot session once in a while to enjoy all the perks.

If Chintan was just like you and me then he would probably not be eligible for his new post but when you are the son of a politician, then everything is possible in this land of ours.

Not much has changed since the days of our Shree Tins. At least, we don't have Nati Generals nowadays although one of our natis is our Chief Saab. Our politicians are our new 'Shree Tins' and their children and cousins will continue to enjoy all the perks while the sons and daughters of  hardworking, law-abiding citizens have to go abroad to make a decent living.

Chintan is the son of Ram Chandra Poudel (RCP), our Congressi leader who failed to become our Prime Monster even when he tried shamelessly for more than a dozen times. But RCP is not losing hope. 

His dream of living in Baluwatar may have faded away but he still wants the best for his near and dear ones. Let us all congratulate Poudel junior for getting the job and let's hope that the kids of our politicians will continue to get plum jobs from the state.

RCP wants the best for all his relatives as well. He has also lobbied hard to get his brother-in-law and other relatives plum government jobs as well. After all, that's what our politicians do.  

If we had honest politicians in the country, then we would have a constitution by now. But our clowns are only worried about how to get jobs for their cadres and cousins. Common citizens are on the bottom of the list when it comes to getting the funds or jobs.

You don’t even have to complete high school if you want to head our public bodies. Well, Chintan has an MBA. That's good but maybe he could be working for a government agency that helps our folks to develop their skills and get jobs instead of only providing ID cards to poor families in the country. 

The only folks who will make money from this natak is the printer and the contractor who gets to deliver the cards to the district offices across the country.

We are all poor except our contractors, civil servants, cadres and our clowns. I think it would be better if we were all provided with at least one apple, two packets of milk, three potatoes, four pieces of masu, and a cup of rice daily in the name of our competent government. Then, we can all thank our government for at least helping us with our food needs.

We have wives, brothers and cousins of our netas as CA members. Ganesh Thapa was even acting like a club bouncer when Kamal Dai and his buffoons were creating a scene at the House recently.  Subash Nembang should have shown him the red card instead.

Our government agencies are busy preparing for the SAARC Summit. The government is even paying for paint jobs on houses along the major roads. I think Kathmandu will be a greener and cleaner city if we host the SAARC Summit every year but of course, we will be wasting millions of Rupees and only the contractors and our clowns will get to make money off it.

RIP Alok Nembang. We will miss you. Our prayers and condolences are with his family and loved ones. The film director passed away on Thursday evening. Our media tells us that he committed suicide. We all go through dark days. Counseling helps. 

There is nothing wrong with visiting a psychiatrist for counseling sessions. And it would also help our politicians if they went for a group therapy instead of getting together for a group drinking sessions.



Saturday, November 1, 2014

Cricket will keep us alive




Our clowns are busy hanging out at resorts and residences of our top freeloaders and are still coming up short but our cricketers have once again done us proud by winning the ICC World Cricket League Division III title.  

I think our clowns should hire our cricket coach Pubudu Dassanayake to teach them how to work as a team, instead of trying to outdo each other by bickering over petty issues. 

The Cricket Association of Nepal has a new CEO and finance manager. Let's all hope that Bhawana Ghimire, the new CEO will lead CAN to new heights. The old stooges at CAN have been giving the CEO a cold shoulder because they only know how to skim the funds instead of spending it to develop the sport in the country.

I think it's about time all our sports associations had competent CEOs instead of corrupt cronies. I think our government should have a 'Cricket' Fund and we all can pitch in to help build stadiums and provide better  facilities to our cricketers. 

The only we can ever play in the FIFA World Cup is if we host it but we don't have billions of dollars to throw away. But in a decade or two, we might be a test-playing nation and could be in the Cricket World Cup.

Our lazy bums are still wasting our time by fighting over how many provinces we need in our 'New Nepal'. It really doesn't matter how many provinces we have in this land of ours. What matters is that our common folks get enough gaas, baas and kapas to lead a decent life. 

I don't think we can afford to have new chief ministers and pay billions of Rupees to change our driving licenses, sign boards and what not. We don't need political parties offering us 40,000 MW of electricity or turning us into Swiss or Singaporeans. 

All we need is one political party that will work for the people. All we want is jobs so that we can pay our bills unlike our lazy bums who only want to loot the state treasury for their children, cousins and cadres.

It’s sad that our government doesn’t care about the people. Our clowns get free medical treatment and they waste millions of Rupees every year for their check-ups abroad. Our flood and landslide victims have yet to receive compensation. 

And those who have received some relief money  are not the victims but our evil party cadres. I think one should just visit the affected areas and hand out cash and relief materials to the victims instead of having a photo-op cheque-handing session with our beloved Prime Minister.

But of course, our CDO sahebs don't us to do that because they want all the funds and relief materials to be distributed by our incompetent government agencies. Our civil servants have not change a bit. They act like they are forced to do their jobs. Somebody must remind them that they are here to serve the public and not the other way round.

Our cricket team represents the 'real' Nepal. Our so-called leaders do not. We are all hardworking, law-abiding citizens. Our incompetent clowns only know how to waste our money, time and have no respect for the laws of the land. 

But we have cricket for now. Once in a while, when our cricketers win, we forget our miseries. I think our Desi brother, NaMo should have provided Rs 10,000 crores to develop cricket in this land of ours instead of providing the loan to our incompetent buffoons who will only use it to fatten their own bellies.

The 18th SAARC Summit will be here in few weeks and let's expect traffic jams, blocked roads and tight security for our Shark lleaders. Yes, our leaders in the region are like sharks. We are the small fishes. 

We are still the poorest region in the world not because we lack natural resources. We are poor because all the opportunities and resources have been used by our politicians and their cronies while the common folks are left with no choice but to seek employment opportunities overseas.

Our government agencies are busy preparing for the Shark Summit. Yes, plant them trees that will wither and die in a few months. Fill up them pot holes and put some solar lights on our streets. Make way for the bideshis! 

The government should also warn us to stay away from the venue and maybe declare a three-day holiday so that the Shark leaders can drive around the city without any obstruction. 

What about our stray dogs and cattle? It would be nice if KMC spent some dough and bought garlands for our stray dogs. And what about our stray cattle? I think they can work part-time for the traffic police as roadblocks.