Saturday, February 22, 2014


Our incompetent government celebrated Prajatantra Diwas with the usual nataks. Instead of giving our civil servants a day off, it would have been nice if our lazy bums went to work and provided the much needed services to the public without seeking a bribe at least for a day.  

Our government should stop holding public rallies and creating traffic jams as well. And we are tired of grinding our teeth every time we see gas-guzzling SUVs all lined up for a government function. 

Dr. Saheb decided to forgo the celebration when he was our man in Baluwatar because he wasn't born when the Ranas left the building.  Khilly Dai decided to keep the celebration small because he was busy trying to figure out what to do when his time in Baluwatar was over. 

But Sushil Da was around when the Shree Tins were having all the fun. He was just a young kid but maybe he got to see some Ranas enjoy the high life. Well, it's been 64 years and we no longer have Shree Tins enjoying all the perks.  

We had our Shree Paanchs and they too have left the building and we are left with our Shree Aaths who seem to be inspired by the Ranas and the House of Shah when it comes to enjoying the loot. But it's probably a good thing that instead of a single clan enjoying all the freebies, we have mini Maharajas who get to get fat and rich.  

And one day, you too can dream of becoming a mini Maharaja only if you have the skills to lie, cheat and steal.  Honesty, humility and hard work are for common people. Chori, Chakari and Chiya Kharcha are for our con men and some women who are in power.

The common folks have no choice but to go abroad to make a few Dinars or Dollars more while our buffoons make millions here in the land of ours by misusing their power. After all, for the past 64 years, we have seen all the players flexing their muscles to make enough money to last seven generations.

We celebrate Loktantra Diwas to celebrate the day then King Gyanendra had to bend backwards. Well, Gyanu Uncle could not bend it like Beckham to score a goal or two. He became our last monarch because he was still hung in the 60s. 

If he had hired a few PR people from New York then they would have advised him to not take a penny from the state coffer and instead dole out the dividends he gets from his business holdings for charitable works. But I guess, he just surrounded himself with a bunch of arse-kissers who still masquerade as netas even today.  

When it comes to learning on how to become a  monarch in this century, one need to not go far away to England. A few hours flight to Thailand would have done a whole lot of good for Gyanu Uncle then.  But of course, it's all over and we all have to move on.  

Gyanu Uncle has many options left except for wanting to go back to becoming our Lord Vishnu. He can write his biography and go on a book tour. He can open a political party and at least grab a few more seats and be one of our mini Maharajas. 

Or the best option for now to gain respect from the public would be to donate a billion Rupees to clean the Bagmati River and even spend a day or two, wearing gumboots and gloves to clear up the garbage.  

But of course, we still don't have such public relations firms in the country who can come up with campaigns to fool the public like in the US where politicians kiss babies and shake hands a thousand times when they are out there to win some votes. 

Meanwhile, our Emperor is having fun in Qatar. After all, there isn't much to do for him this time around.  Maybe, he should visit North Korea, Cuba, and Iran as well and bring back home fake Dollars, a bunch of doctors and a portable nuclear device. 

A bora full of fake Dollars can win some votes next time. If we have Cuban doctors here then maybe our comrades won't have to waste millions to seek medical treatment abroad. And If we can't get any mini-nuke from the Iranians then our Emperor can at least bring a container full of dates for Dashain. 

We also have Ganatantra Diwas to celebrate the day we became a Republic. But so far, our corrupt clowns have been ripping off the public instead of doing their job. I think we should stop celebrating Democracy Day until our political parties follow the principles of Democracy themselves.  

Our hawatari parties claim to be democratic but we still have old fogies running the show for the past two-three decades. The political parties are run like dictatorships and the young and bold ones get side-stepped while the old and corrupt continue to take us down the drain. 

Nothing wrong with senior citizens running the show but our political parties seem to be run by ones who give the older generation a bad name.

Our corrupt clowns and civil servants continue to follow the Shree Tin's formula of governance. Yes, Hukumi Sashan is still alive and kicking. The players have changed but the system remains the same. 

So what would it take to change the system and get rid of our corrupt clowns? Maybe, we should all  rise up again and make our buffoons leave the building. Then, we can finally celebrate 'Democracy Day' to celebrate the day we got rid of all the pests that plague this beautiful land of ours.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Be My Valentine

Sushil Da is our 37th Prime Monster and we only have one mini-sinister for now. Ram Sharan Mahat must be gunning for the Finance portfolio but it might take a while before we have a full-fledged cabinet.  Only then we will have our netas going all out to make as much moolah as they can. 

Our United Mules Liberators (UML) are not happy with the Kangaroos.  Oli Dai even refuses to entertain calls from Sushil Da because he wants Bam Dev to be our Home Minister.  A big valentine card the size of a pillow is enough to make a lass happy but for our so-called leaders, they need more than a rose, a card and a box of chocolates. 

Maybe, Sushil Da should offer Bam Dev and his crew, a bora full of cash as a Valentine's Day gift so that they will finally join the government and deliver us a constitution within a year.

A low-level civil servant might be happy with a few thousand Rupees chiya kharcha but our incompetent buffoons won’t be satisfied until they get at least a few Karods. Since, everybody wants the Home Ministry, the price might go up ten-fold.  

So, now is the time for our Kangaroos to gather all their old byapari well-wishers and ask for voluntary donations.  Maybe, then our UML wallahs will be happy to let go off the Home Ministry and make a few more Rupees from the other 13 ministries they are happy to head. 

Meanwhile, Dr. Saheb has opened a liaison office so that common folks in his district can file complaints about nearly everything. I think our new government should also add another ministry. Let's have a Ministry of Complaints and let Dr. Saheb head the ministry.  

We don't hear much about his other half these days. I guess Hisila Didi is busy trying to figure out why the voters in her constituency were not impressed with her nataks. Our Fashionistas want to give her a new make-over while our feminists think she needs to tone down her combative skills. 

Our No Electricity Authority (NEA) increased our utility bill earlier and now it's our No Drinking Water Corporation (NDWC) that wants us to pay more for empty taps in our homes. The Water wallahs have hiked the water tariff by 120% and have promised to deliver less water as usual. 

Our government agencies cite inflation, rising fuel costs and what not to justify their price hike. Most of them incur losses of  Billions of Rupees every year but their employees get freebies and bonuses. 

Maybe, we , the common folks should also stop paying our property taxes and our utility bills citing inflation, corruption, frustration and destruction. The rising food prices will probably lead all of us to take the new diet fad of intermittent fasting. Corruption is making our netas, civil servants and contractors fat and rich while we lose our time and money to get basic services from the government. 

We are all frustrated but at least the Delhi wallahs got Kerijwal while we are still waiting for some kind of a political party that will fight for the common folks unlike our politicians who drive around in gas guzzling SUVs, protected by armed security personnel who are happy shoo-ing away other drivers out of the way so that our buffoons don't have to worry about the traffic. 

But not everything goes up in Nepal. Our government had decided to reduce the royalty fee for bideshis climbing Everest. Yes, our foreign friends will now have to pay only US$11,000 per person instead of $25,000 under the previous group system. I guess all our bideshi mountaineers are high-fiving each other now. 

We really have incompetent fools heading our bureaucracy. I think we should charge more because we now have many millionaires from the West who want to climb Everest and think of it more like their trophy wives or husbands. So, why not charge them a million Dollars and at least make sure that our Sherpa brothers receive half of it every time they help another snobbish rich foreigner who thinks climbing Everest is the same as going out on a picnic with caviar and champagne.

So, let's charge our foreign friends more so that we don't have a traffic jam up in Everest. Let's make them carry all their trash back to the capital instead of polluting the Everest region too. And let our Nepali brothers and sisters climb our mountains for free because the cost for the gear and other stuff are expensive anyway.

Our comrades celebrated the 19th anniversary of the Peope's War Day on Thursday by organizing the same old bhasan karyakarams across the country. Both our Emperor and his courtiers and Baidya Ba and his angry birds were busy with their nataks. With all that dough made from voluntary donations from friends, our comrades could have built a memorial for all their fallen comrades. 

I think it would best if our government built a memorial in the heart of the city for all civilians, Maoists and security personnel who lost their lives during the conflict. 

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Who wants to be a Prime Monster?

It's time for our incompetent buffoons to elect a new Prime Monster who will lead us down the drain again. Our CA members who want to grow organic tomatoes in Baluwatar will have to file their candidacies by Sunday 5pm. 

That means, they have another 24 hours to ask our fake VAT bill byaparis for some dough to buy some votes. Sushil Da wants to be our Prime Monster really bad. After all, in a few years,  he will be ready to go on a pilgrimage to Kasi. And what better way to end your political career by eating organic salad on your way out.

Our beloved President had given a week's deadline for our clowns to find common ground and form a national consensus government. But deadlines don't matter to our freeloaders.  They spend hours late at night, drinking whiskey and cooking up dirty schemes but nothing pans out in the morning. After all, our chors all want a bigger piece of the loot and nobody wants to walk out with a few less Rupees.

Now it's up to our Kangaroos and the United Mules Liberators to come up with a solution on how to divide the loot as they distribute lucrative ministries to their near and dear ones.  It would have been better if we had a mini-sinister from our major political parties.  Yes, let's have at least one egghead to head one ministry and have some fun.

Our clowns are not really interested to come up with a constitution within a year. They want to make as much dough as possible because they know that it might be another decade or two before they get to eat the pie again. 

The UML wants Home and Finance Ministries.  Yes, Ram Dev's  Nepali cousin, our very own Bam Dev Baba must be itching to be the Home Minister again. After all, if he hadn't pulled enough strings then our KP Oli dai wouldn't have become the parliamentary leader of his party.  

Jhallu Baba wants to become our President and maybe KP dai wants to handle our finances because he will need to balance the book as he sells tomatoes from Baluwatar. 

We all know that whoever controls the Finance and the Home portfolio makes the most moolah.  The last time, Bam was the Home Minister, he decided to shut down all night-life businesses by 11pm. So if Bam Dev becomes our Home Minister again then our night-life entrepreneurs will have to be prepared to shut down their businesses maybe even before 10 pm.  

And maybe, he will do our corrupt and incompetent police officers a big favor by adding another dozen AIGs and maybe a hundred DIGs.  And don't be surprised if you see a DIG heading a police beat while our Inspectors will be out on the streets and all the constables will probably be working at senior officers' homes as domestic helps.

Our Home Ministers make the most dough from promotions and transfers of police personnel.  Our Finance Minister will make a killing from all our fake VAT bill byaparis. The last time the UML had bagged the Finance portfolio, the Finance Secretary resigned because the mantri-ji was busy pocketing millions from byaparis so that they could continue to evaded taxes. 

Let's hope VAT Mohan Adhikari won't be our Finance Minister again. If KP Oli heads Finance then he will probably be able to collect record revenue for the government and much more for his near and dear ones. The guy's boli is more powerful than a bandook ko goli.  

The small businesses will probably have to cough up more taxes whereas the so-called big business wallahs will get to save more. It's the same natak after all.  If KP Oli quits politics someday then he could move across the border to the south and write dialogues for Rajnikanth movies. 

Both Bamdev and Oli dai are known to have close ties with mundrey gundas.  A guy who claims to be the adopted son of Bamdev was arrested sometime ago for trying to extort some moolah from medical doctors. 

I think his case files will disappear soon. KP Oli has lots of mundreys under his protection. It's happy days for all mundrey gundas  who belong to the Kangroos and the UML. 

Maybe, we will have to wait another few months before we have somebody to live in Baluwatar.  But whoever gets to be our Prime Monster will turn out to be no better than the previous ones.  Baidya Ba can win our hearts and minds if he comes up with a 'money back guarantee'  if our clowns fail to write the constitution within a year. 

Yes,  his cadres have promised to stop voluntary donations for now but we would all back him up if he can get our CA members to voluntary donate their salaries and allowances to clean the Bagmati River if they can't do their job this time. 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Cops Just Want To Have Fun

Our IGP Saheb is busy making sure our police wallahs do their job. He calls meeting at 10 in the evening and expects our hardworking SSPs to be present. If they can’t come up with a valid excuse then they get transferred somewhere else.   Maybe it would be nice if the expected attendees received at least a day notice so that they will have some time to recover from the earlier night's hangover.

I think Nepal Police should come up with a 'no drinking policy' for all its personnel. That way, we will have only doodh-chiya drinking cops and our local liquor store owners won't have to face harassment from the local police beats during the festivals when they ask for free booze.  Maybe, our IGP Saheb should buy good-quality breathalyzers and go on an all-night MaPaSe test, making sure our senior officers are not dead drunk in some alley.

Panchthar police chief DSP Deep Shamsher Rana should be given a special award for organizing a dance party for his fellow police personnel instead of being asked for clarification. DSP Rana wanted his men and women to have a good time so that they could refresh themselves. What's wrong with that?  Instead of facing drunken police wallahs during so-called security checks, isn't it much better to have police wallahs partying inside their compound?

After all, they too need to wind down once in a while. Most of our senior police officers spend their evenings, enjoying a bideshi drink and mutton chops while the low-level police personnel work long hours and get to enjoy inedible food.  

DSP Rana should be applauded for throwing a dance party because he cares for his men and women unlike our senior sahebs who treat them as their personal slaves. Maybe, it would be nice if the Police Headquarters set aside a day each year for annual dance party programs in all district police offices across the country.

DSP Rana threw the dinner party from the money he received as allowance. At least, he didn't ask his fellow personnel to go around town, asking for voluntary contribution like our incompetent political parties do for their tea parties.  Rana is doing a good job in Panchthar. At least, he's been able to collect more dough from traffic fines and other violations for the state treasury than his predecessors. 

There are few police personnel who like to sing and play the guitar. Rana is one of them. You won't find many police officers who like 'Deep Purple' and is into rock music. Well, Rana is one of them.  So let us all give him a pat on his back and send a friend request on Facebook.  

I think he should be transferred to Kathmandu so that there will at least be one police personnel who understand how hard it is to organize a dance party and much harder when the cops show up in the middle of the program and shut it down for no good reason. 

SSP Ramesh Kharel, our hero cop is back in Kathmandu. Let's now hope that our gangsters will at least keep quiet for a while and enjoy themselves at dance parties instead of carrying out their usual extortion rackets. 

If we can have at least a dozen of Kharels in the police force then we will begin trusting our cops again. In 'New Nepal', we feel safer when a bunch of chors approach us for voluntary contribution for their nautanki nataks than a bunch of cops standing on the other side of the Bagmati Bridge waiting to stop us early in the evening and interrogating us with silly questions.  

After all, who in his or her right mind will detour to rob somebody instead of going home for dal bhat at 8 in the evening?. If they really want to do their job well then carry out security checks after midnight till early morning.

Min Krishna, the don from Lalitpur and Nepali Congress harta-karta was shot by another don  a few weeks ago. I hope he is recovering well but it's about time we ask our political parties to stop using hoodlums for their self-interest. 

We can't expect our police wallahs to do their job when political parties provide protection to our dons.  The political-criminal nexus is destroying this land of ours and our police wallahs do not have enough courage to stand up against such chors because they have to worry about their promotions and transfers.

It’s a long weekend for our lazy sarkari wallahs as they celebrate Martyr's Day and Sonam Losar. Hope they will spend their time productively by drinking, playing cards and sunbathing.  Our incompetent government pays respect to our martyrs by putting on garlands and hosting parties for near and dear ones. 

It's funny that many living martyrs who receive pittance while former civil servants and our netas get millions of Rupees for medical treatment abroad.  If our incompetent netas really want to respect our martyrs then please give us a constitution within a year, hold local elections in a few months and stop organizing dance parties for themselves whenever they sign another  how-many-points agreement to loot us all.