Saturday, April 29, 2017

Local Elections or not?



We are two weeks away from the first phase of our local elections but it seems that our incompetent government might even postpone it and make us all look like fools. After all, our lazy bums are very good at postponing everything except when raising their salaries and perks. If they get to enjoy the loot then they will all come on board and work together. If they do not get to steal from us or have it their way then they will blame each other for the political chaos in this land. 

We wasted billions of Rupees feeding our Constipated Assembly (CA) members for years and we finally got a constitution. It seems that our constitution is always the best in the world and we should be proud of it. But of course, our Madhesi and Janjati parties were not and our half-baked constitution needs amendments to bring everyone on board. 

We got hit by the Big One and it's been two years after and our displaced families are still living in temporary shelters our out in the open. We seem to have the most cold-hearted politicians in the world. These parasites have their own dirty agenda that they want to fulfill while ignoring what's best for the country and its people. How can you enjoy the perks and loot us all while thousands of our brothers and sisters are struggling to rebuild their lives and homes?

We, the people are excited and eager to vote for our local representatives but the government is busy trying to make all the chors happy while ignoring the wishes of the common people. First, our government promised to hold local elections on May 14th. We were happy about it. Then, they tell us that we will have elections in two phases so that our Madhesi parties are happy. We were okay with it as well. 

Now, we don't even know if the local elections will take place as scheduled as our bickering buffoons are fighting with each other in regards to amending the constitution. Our chor netas tell us that political stability is the key to development in this land but it's a shame that it is our own politicians who have worked hard to divide this country, make us fight with each other while they continue to make deals that will only benefit them and their parties.

It seems that our corrupt government has enough funds to hold elections but not enough to help the families of those displaced by the earthquakes. Holding elections in two phases will cost us more and it will also not help the candidates who are standing up for local elections either. And our government really seems to be out of touch with reality. That happens when you ride around in luxury vehicles, surrounded by armed police force and their guns pointing at the general public. 

Our politicians and civil servants seem to be very poor in math as well. How on earth can you stand up for local elections with a budget of few lakhs Rupees? Well, that might be possible if you are standing up to be a member of the Ward or Village Committee. But to fight the election for Ward Chairperson, a meager 3 lakhs Rupees is not even enough to buy doodh chiya and newari khaja set for your karyakartas. 

And you need young mundreys to go around in bikes, throw away pamphlets on the streets and hang out and local chiya pasals and wait for instructions from the candidate to either create problems for the other candidates or just gather and show their strength for no apparent reason. And who will pay for the petrol for their bikes?

If you want t be a Mayor then you cannot spend more than 7.5 lakhs. Well, if you are living in the city then all the candidates who are vying to be our Mayor will be breaking the law. Mayoral candidates will have to raise at least a few Karods to buy votes, pay off opposition wallahs, have mundrey under their wings and for every other shady deals that needs to be done to win the elections. 

Maybe our Election Commission wallahs have done their math by using the figures from the last local elections held in this country, which was more than two decades ago.  Even doodh chiya cost three times more now. Nobody can afford to eat an egg these days and let's even forget about a few piece of masu on Saturdays.

Our political parties are the most corrupt ones in this land. Our civil servants come second because they have to pay off our netas to gain promotion and lucrative transfers. Our contractors have to pay both the civil servants and our corrupt netas. The common folks have to only pay our civil servants but of course the dough goes all the way up to the mantri and the mantri has to keep some for himself, set aside some for his political party as well.

We talk about voting for the most competent candidate regardless of their party affiliation but it seems that we have no choice but to choose from the least evil one from the major political parties. And these chors will do what's best for their parties, cadres and con artists. At the end of the day, everybody forgets about the common people. Either we tell ourselves we are cursed and we leave it to fate or we need to gather all the courage we can muster and make sure we hold these parasites accountable. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Unification Fever




First of all, let us thank our government for giving us a public holiday on Monday so that our President need not see the traffic jam in the city as she left for India. 

Earlier, we had a King and we had to deal with such nataks but it's been many years since we have become a republic but our freeloaders don't seem to let go of the past and will continue to act like they own this country. And we, the people will continue to act like everything's fine and be miserable and really do nothing to stop the loot.

Yes, our government tells us that our Madame President's vacation to India has been very fruitful. Maybe, our honorable President received a basket full of fruits while she landed in India but for us, it looked liked the Desis were just acting like they had to deal with it and get done with it. 

And we, the people think that it's just a waste of our taxpayers' money. We know very well that our country is not going get any good deals with the Desis. And we have no one but to blame our own civil servants for not doing their homework before meeting the Desis to work out on any deals that will benefit this country. 

It's about time we stopped all foreign visits by our freeloaders because it really does not help our country at all. But of course, what can we do? These buffoons run the show and will continue to enjoy all the state perks while ignoring the needs of our families displaced by the earthquake.

We may have kicked Gyanu Uncle out of the Palace but now we have to deal with our mini-Maharajas who think that it is their right to spend our money on useless foreign visits. When will our politicians learn to be frugal and save us some money? 

Well, they won't and unless we really have honest and competent netas, nothing will change in this beautiful land of ours. And we have been unfortunate so far having had to deal with only chors and con artists who have only enriched themselves while making this country poorer.

It seems that our politicians are now on 'unification' mode. Our six Madhesi parties have decided to unite and form a new political party.  And they no longer call themselves a 'Madhes-only' party. It's a good thing. Let us hope that the 'umbrella' will help us all to protect us from the sun and the rain instead of using it to prick and hit us during bandas and what not.

And Bijaya Gachchhadar has also merged his party with other fringe parties as well. Bijaya Dai has already made enough money to last another three generations. He's been our mantri time and again and he might as well join the government once King Deuba gets back to Baluwatar.

Even our Doctor Saheb is planning to merge his Naya Shakti with the Federalist 
Socialist Forum. Maybe, he can also invite our Bibeksheel wallahs and Sajha Party to go along for the ride as well. 

We all know that this 'unification' nataks among our parties won't work because their main agenda is not do good for the country but how to at least get some votes to have at least a seat in the next general election through the PR system because they know very well that most of them will not be directly elected. And maybe even join the coalition government then, bag a ministry and make some money for oneself and the party as well.

Maybe, we should be like the West. Let's just have two political parties instead. We all know that none of our netas want to compromise and work together to help this land. Instead, we have the left and the right and no one in the center to bring everyone on board.  We have dozens of communist parties. We have another dozen Madhesi parties. Our Congressis and UML know very well that at the end of the day, they will once again get to enjoy the loot.

It's been almost thirty years since we saw starving and broke netas appear in Kathmandu and promise us to build a new Nepal. Since then, we have seen the morons making deals with the mandaleys to stay in power. We have seen the Maoist and their war against the state. 

We have seen the Madhesis and their movement against the state. And it's been more than a decade since our so-called peace agreement between the Maoist and the other parties. Every decade, we see a new movement. 

Maybe it's now time for the people to start a new movement and do away with the corrupt system.  And we do need someone to lead us as well. Maybe, it's time Dhurmus and Suntali not only build homes for the displaced families and the needy. Please lead us to displace the corrupt ones from their homes so that we can finally live in peace and prosper in our motherland.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Nepali New Year Resolutions!







Well, here we are at 2074 Bikram Sambat and it looks like it will just be another same old year for the country and its people. Well, we have the local elections coming up and hopefully if our parasites can set aside their differences and come together for the good of this nation then we can have our provincial and general elections as well. But of course, our buffoons are very good at agreeing to disagree on everything else except those matters that will benefit them with boras of cash and state perks. 

Our Madhesi netas tell us that they will be boycotting the local elections. Our Doctor Saheb tells us that he will flex his muscles if the Election Commission does not give him his election symbol. And Hisila Didi seems to be smoking something illegal. 

Kamal Thapa is not happy either. This man will not be happy until he becomes our Prime Monster. This is the only country in the land where political parties who are members of the ruling coalition take to the streets to protest against the government. Even our cops are confused when it comes to whether to laathi-charge or just loiter around the protest areas hoping that the protesters will go away after inhaling enough dust for a year.

Let us thank our government for welcoming the New Year with the 'No Honk' rule in the valley. Now, you can no longer honk at some guy on a bike who suddenly stops in the middle of the road and starts talking to his girlfriend on the phone. 

You cannot honk at ducks, stray dogs or even cows. So if you hit the ducks in Godavari, just make sure you have enough cash to pay for it. Stray dogs get no respect in this land and don't ever hit our holy animal because you might have to go to jail and then hell later. The only option now is to get out of your vehicle, chase away the animals and not worry about the guy behind you honking at you till he drops dead.

But if it's an emergency then you can honk all the way to the hospital or to Baluwatar. But our ambulances, fire engines, police vans and of course, our security escorts for the corrupt buffoons can use their horn.  But  if you, the lowly common citizen is caught honking for no apparent reason then please be prepared to pay a fine up to Rs 5,000.  

We may never be another Singapore or the United States or Switzerland but why not at least have our fines at the same rate as in those countries. If you are caught driving under the influence of alcohol then we should pay at least US$ 200 dollars which is like twenty Nepali grand. 

If you are caught spitting or  throwing trash in the Bagmati River then pay five thousand Singaporean dollars which would be like more than most of us can afford. We should have both fines and community service system in this land of ours.

If you are caught pissing on someone's wall then the police should make sure that the violator spends every Saturday for a year cleaning up walls in the city filled with hawatari political slogans. 

If you are caught throwing trash then why not collect trash around the city every weekend. And of course, pay the fine as well, spend a day or two in jail which will also help you get rid of your sinus problems but you might go home with bed bugs and lice as well.

Our Health Minister tells us that we should all abstain from tobacco and alcohol products. And we should all regularly exercise and go for a medical checkup every year or so. 

That's really great but maybe our government should  work towards minimizing the dust storm in the valley and creating more green spaces for us to exercise and breathe a little bit of clean air. And yes, smoking and drinking is both injurious to one's health. 

Maybe we should just hike the price of these products by at least a 1,000% and make sure that the taxes collected will be given to the Health Ministry so that they can at least help us to provide some rebate when we go for our annual health check up.

We all know that we do seem to have the best laws in the world but our incompetent government always fails to implement them. Our traffic cops spends a month every year  telling our pedestrians to use the overhead bridge or the zebra crossings and then they stop the campaign and then we are back to walking in the middle of the street in the middle of the city.  

Yes, noise pollution is a real problem in the valley but it seems that we might hear better but we will have teary eyes and sore throats until our government finally wakes up and tells the Melamchi folks to at least temporarily pave the roads they have destroyed to lay their pipes.

Maybe, it would better if our government came up with a 'No Bribing' rule as well. Any citizens caught offering bribes should be punished and sent to jail and made to work in the so-called fast track roads in the country.

And what about our civil servants and politicians who love to extort from the byaparis, seek chiya kharcha from the service seekers and work together to embezzle state funds? Well, our sarkari hakims and our lawmakers seem to be above the law. 

The Supreme Court tells the government to arrest the Dhungel within seven days. Let's see if our new IGP has the guts to follow the court's order or will he too just be another of those puppets controlled by our evil politicians? Let us all wish each other a Happy Nepali New Year and hope we will have some peace and a little bit of prosperity this coming year!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Seniority Matters?



It seems that most of us are excited about the upcoming local elections while our corrupt chors in the ruling coalition seem to have other priorities. While we are all looking forward to voting for the best person for the job, our politicians are busy bickering over who gets to be the senior most buffoon after our Emperor.

It seems that our netas and civil servants are not interested to do what's best for the country but only focus on how to bag the most senior position and make some moolah. No wonder, we have boras of cash exchanging hands when it comes to heading our government agencies and some of our netas do have to pay chiya kharcha to other netas to be our mantra as well.

Our incompetent government has not been able to conduct any cabinet meetings for the past three weeks and the reason being that our Home Minister and Deputy Prime Monster Bimalendra Nidhi is not happy with our Emperor. 

It seems that our country can really function without a government and our bureaucracy can do their job without our ministers as well. But of course, our government do not have to worry about what do against Syria, North Korea or ISIS like the Amrikans do. Our government only has to worry about how to stay in power and how to make the Chinese and the Desis happy.

Nidhi was the number two person before Kamal Thapa came along. When our Madhesi parties withdrew from the government, our Emperor asked Thapa to join in the fun but Thapa wanted to be the Deputy Prime Monster and the number two jackass as well. Our politicians don't care if you are the devil and  they will make deals with Satan if that helps them to stay in power.

Our Emperor went to China without even appointing an acting PM. I guess Nidhi wanted to be our acting PM for a week. That didn't happen and Nidhi is still mad at our Emperor because Kamal Thapa gets to be the number two in the government. 

It seems that our netas only care about their ego and want to boast about who is senior to whom in the cabinet and that's all what matters instead of doing their job. Yes, it seems that seniority does matter to our politicians but they don't want to follow the same rule when it comes to our security agencies.

Our Emperor and his cabinet chors have still not been able to decide on whom to appoint the head of our Nepal Police. We have a doctor heading Nepal Police for now and let us all feel sorry for the medicine man. Our buffoons are not worried about the low morale among our security personnel. 

Both Nidhi and Thapa have some things in common. Kamal Dai was once our 
Home Minister during King Gyanu's rule and our security agencies killed protesters and no one was punished. Nidhi is our current Home Minister under our Emperor's rule and our security agencies have also killed protesters recently and no one will be punished for it either. 

I guess, both can boast about the loss of lives while heading the Home Ministry. Nidhi has done a good job as a Home Minister by promoting or transferring his near and dear ones to lucrative postings. And we all know that our Kamal Dai good at minting money when he gets to be a mantri.

Thapa has less than 40 thieves with him in the House while Nidhi is the member of the largest party in the House. But in a few months, King Deuba gets to rule the country and then maybe Nidhi can also be the number two man if he wants.

Our Emperor seems to have lost his magic charm. He is no longer the rebel with a cause. He is now just a puppet who listens to his coalition partners while he has no intention to make any bold decisions for the good of the country. Poor man is really in a dilemma. 

He has already made billions for himself and his son will get to enjoy the ill-gotten riches as well. But we all know that our former rebel chief, and the man who has already become our Prime Monster twice has already seen the writing on the wall.  It's not an easy road ahead for our former rebels turned corrupt clowns. Let us all feel sorry for our comrades. 

Yes, they should be given the credit for making Gyanu Uncle a common citizen. They should be applauded for their role in having a constituent assembly in this land and getting us a new constitution even if it's half-baked. 

The reason we are here today is because of the Maoists but instead of really sticking to their promises, they have failed us all by turning into another one of those mainstream corrupt parties in our land. They can't even take care of their own cadres or the families of those folks who lost their lives thinking that the country would be better off   if they fought against the State. 

But now we know that the so-called leaders were only after power. They talked about inclusiveness, end of caste, gender and ethnic discrimination. But it was only talk and no one seems to walk the walk in this land. Our Emperor knows very well that his cadres are not happy. 

The Mao Inc. now has different factions and they might not even win a handful of seats during the general election. And don't be surprised if they don’t even get ten percent of the votes in our local elections as well. Dear Emperor, you could have been our savior but you just turned out to be another selfish prick who has finally run out of tricks. 


Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Saturday, April 1, 2017

GPS for our Parasites!




Our Department of Tourism plans to track climbers with a GPS device this season so that those who tell us that they have climbed Everest are not faking it. 

Yes, we had a bideshi couple who nearly fooled us last year with their conquest of Everest but they should have asked a Photoshop expert to do it right but they failed and have been barred for climbing our mountains anytime soon.  Yes, it's not easy to climb Everest or even other peaks in our land. 

But our Crown Prince did it and even managed to elope with the other comrade's wife.  Our Kollywood actress even climbed Everest. It may sound easy as if it's like hiking to Shivapuri or Pulchowki but it's not unless you get a very experienced Sherpa guide who will literally walk you to Everest and back. 

But of course our Sherpa brothers and sisters don't get all the credit and risk their lives for a few thousand dollars while our trekking agencies and bideshi expedition wallahs make most of the dough!

The GPS device will also help to track climbers who go missing or are involved in any accidents up there. I think that would really help our rescue teams when searching for our stranded climbers. 

But let’s hope that our sarkari hakims won't be buying cheap GPS devices that don't work at all or will stop working in less than a year. 

After all our corrupt government tends to buy the cheapest product around, take tons of commission from the vendors and then stop using it after it breaks down. Look at our Traffic Police! The breathalyzers don't work anymore and they have gone back to almost French-kissing the potential MaPaSe candidates.

I think that's a great idea and it's about time we had such GPS devices for our politicians as well. We really need to track our parasites so that we all know where they are going, whom do they meet and if they go missing, we can at least track them and bring them back to the House when it's time to vote for the amendments to our constitution. 

Our parasites love to visit foreign lands and if they can't then visit foreign embassies in town and have lunch or chiya with our bideshi ambassadors. It seems that the foreign envoys seem to have more power in this land than in other countries. We have a new Desi Ambassador in town.  

Let us hope he will invite our politicians for Tandoori Chicken and Whiskey and maybe even organize a 'Bhangra Nite' for our low-life loafers. Yes, only bideshis can help us to help our politicians to loosen up, be themselves and help each other to move this country forward. And our parasites only listen to the bideshis because that's where the dough is. 

We all know that most of our politicians and civil servants get special chiya kharcha from our bideshi embassies. Some favor Masala Dosa while others choose Dumplings and some of our politicians prefer pancakes from the Amriki Embassy while the rest want baked beans from the British or other cakes from Scandinavian countries.

The local election fever is slowly heating up. Some of our cynics tell us that there won't be any local elections. Some of our experts tell us that our incompetent government has no choice but to go forward with it and maybe carry out in phases so that our security wallahs do have the adequate resources and time to take care of our volatile regions. 

And it seems that ours is the only country where we have factions within the factions in our political parties. And instead of being united and fighting the election against their opponents, they would rather fight among themselves. 

Only one person will get the ticket from a political party to stand up for election to be our Mayor or Ward Chairperson but there will be a dozen candidates vying for that ticket. And the rest who will not get the ticket will be pissed off and will do everything possible to make sure that the person from their own party loses the election. 

Our political games are not about how to do good for this country. It's only about their big ego and our politicians work hard to prevent this country from moving forward because they don't get the ministry or don't get to be number two in the government or don't get any chiya kharcha from the so-called top leaders. 

We don't know what works for our politicians. Ram Dev Baba and his breathing techniques have not helped at all. Sri Sri Sri Ravi Shankar visits our land every now and then but our politicians have yet to learn any of his 'good life' techniques either. 

And it won't help even if we invite any Buddhist, Christian, Muslim or Jain religious leader to visit our land and preach to our parasites. These buffoons will never change. It's about time our bideshi envoys stopped providing them cash or scholarships to their children or any other support to inflate their ego!

And let us hope that our local elections will be carried out successfully and we must all make sure that we go out there and vote. And it's about time, we stopped electing he same bunch of thieves. 

I think it's about time to vote for an independent candidate who doesn't have any money or muscles and no backing from any of our major mundrey parties. We must show our parasites that we are no longer fools and we won't be taken for granted as always. 


Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com