Saturday, December 28, 2013

Remebering Mao!

China celebrated Mao's 120th birth anniversary with noodles and fireworks.  How come we didn't get to see any fireworks in Perisdanda?  Maybe, our Mao-wallahs are still sulking over the results of the CA election and can't seem to get over their dismal performance.

Our comrades could have applied for a special permit to have fireworks display and provided us all free thukpas or even momos to celebrate the occasion. When will our clowns learn to give instead of just looting the state treasury to fill their belly? 

At least give us a rebate for once. If all our political parties can organize a momo party once a year then we could at least figure out who makes the best momos and maybe that would help us to  decide on whom to vote in the next election.

I think all our Mao-wallahs should at least learn one Chinese revolutionary song.  And then they can all gather around the Chinese Embassy and sing songs praising Mao. Then the Chinese would have at least doled out some funds for our comrades to organize a street festival in honor of Mao.

How come our great Emperor doesn't even know Mandarin? At least a YouTube message with some Chinese greeting would have won the hearts and minds of millions of Chinese folks. Or maybe, he could have visited a hot pot place in Thamel and showed us the Chinese owners his chop sticks skills.

But our comrades have other things to worry about. No, they are not interested to work out  their differences with other clowns and join the Constituent Assembly to give us a constitution within a year. 

It's all about how to figure out if it's possible to get a ministry or two and make some dough for the next election. And our big boss is having migraine headaches trying to figure out how to make his stooges happy since he will have to leave out a whole bunch of folks from the PR list.

If our great leader wants to be remembered after he is long gone then it's time to look back at Mao's mistakes.  Yes, Mao gets the credit for being the founder of Communist China and he will always be their great leader but his political and economic magic tricks caused tens of millions of deaths. 

If it wasn't for Deng and his gang with their 'economic formula' then we would not be having Chinese byaparis buying up all our herbs and stuff.  When will our clowns learn from our chimekis? 

Our Emperor can take some credit for our Constituent Assembly natak  and us being a Republic but his dream of founding a Communist Republic is now almost over.  

The Chinese are not interested to have a new Mao land and the Desis have their own Maoists to worry about and won't be helping our comrades to capture state powers. So let's put the 'Red Book' aside and follow the 'Deng' formula for a change. Or maybe we can ask Manmohan Singh to head our National Planning Commission after he is done playing Prime Monster in India.

Chinese President Xi even went on to remind his fellow citizens that leaders are not gods and people should be allowed to point out the mistakes that they have made.  Our Emperor should  learn a thing or two from the Chinese.  We all make mistakes. It would be nice if our Emperor admitted his and tried to correct them instead of blaming the whole world for vote rigging and other nataks.

Our comrades are closet capitalists and we won't have worry about some crazy economic nataks even if our comrades one day get the majority to govern us again.  

We have seen what they are capable of when they were in power. They would rather let the fake VAT bill byaparis run amok and loot some more rather than lower the food prices and introduce development projects to help improve the lives of the common folks.

But we never know. One day, our great leader might wake up with a new economic formula for all of us where we all have to go to work in our farms where the comrades live in the city and enjoy the good life.  If our Emperor can’t get his cake and eat it all then he might even follow some of Mao's playbook like coming up with a Cultural Revolution natak.  

Let's hope that we won't see that day. Millions of Chinese suffered during then as 'Red' guards attacked universities, temples and many heritage sites. But so far, our Emperor has not shown us any of the crazy illnesses that plaque other great leaders. We are still waiting for a 3 billion dollar Lumbini face-lift and more billions for our 40,000 MW electricity.

Our great leader is not happy with Dr. Saheb because our smarty pant wants a two-term limit for party leaders. Our Emperor wants to stay on the top seat for at least another decade and the only way to do that would be to send all the disgruntled ones to the country side for reeducation. Dr. Saheb wants election in his own party instead of  top leaders choosing their own stooges to fill up the posts.  

We are a Republic but our political parties are run by a bunch of despot. Maybe our cadres should revolt and bring democracy to their own parties first and then worry about the nation later.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The PR War

Our Election Commission wallahs have requested the 30 political parties that have won seats under the proportional representation (PR) system to allocate at least 50% of the seats to women.  Why not 100%? Maybe then we will at least get done with writing the constitution within a year.

We can't expect much from the usual gang of thieves. Our netas are having a tough time on whom to award the seats under the PR system. You can't make everyone happy. Maybe, our political parties should organize a 'lucky draw night' and invite everyone on the PR list. Wine and dine them and hand out gift hampers Give them a number and invite an independent panel to pick out the winners. 

Make sure you tell them that the lucky ones will get to enjoy the state perks as CA members while the unlucky ones will get a suitcase full of cash.  After all, you don't want the ones left out to bear grudges and go against the party in the next election.

The Rastriya Prajantantra Party-Nepal (RPP-N) shocked us all by winning a lot more PR seats than we had expected.  But Kamal Thapa is having a hard time trying to figure out whom to choose for the PR seats. His party's cadres have even padlocked the party's office in Hetauda. 

The angry cadres also vandalized the office and decided to have a small bonfire with the party documents. Yes, they are mad because they want more candidates from Makawanpur district rather than only Thapa. 

 RPP-N had launched a pretty creative election campaign with their 'One Vote for Dai (brother) and another vote for Gai (Cow). Maybe Thapa can pacify his disgruntled cadres if he gives them each a Jersey cow. At least, the cadres can make some money by selling the milk in the market.  

And for the next election, RPP-N can even promise to deliver a packet of milk to each household if they win the majority of the seats. But of course that is very unlikely but instead of promising to make this land of ours another Singapore or Switzerland, the idea of free milk is more plausible.

Our Kangaroos and the United Mules have the same problem with whom to choose for the PR seats.  It's not only the PR list but our two old parties have a bunch of old men wanting to become Prime Monster and President.

Our netas are not interested to get done with the constitution writing process. They just want to be a mantri, enjoy the perks and make some moolah.  And the cadres also want a piece of the pie because that was the only reason why they went around town campaigning for the candidate.  Let us all feel sorry for our netas this time. 

If the lucky draw thing doesn't work out then they can follow the usual 'formula' of awarding the seats to the highest bidders. If your name's on the PR list but the chances of getting selected is rare then just offer a few Karods to the party and be a CA member.  Then you will have to figure out how to get your investment back in the next few years. After all, that’s how our system works. 

Maybe, we need a new political party like the one in India. The Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) has stunned Delhi by winning 28 seats in the local assembly elections. 

The Aam Aadmi Party plans to contest the Lok Shaba polls as well. Let us hope that Arvind Kejriwal and his friends will at least make a difference in India. It's about time our social activists formed a political party as well. 

Instead of just a few folks updating their Facebook statuses and pleading for votes, let's get 10,000 signatures and form a new political party to challenge the usual gang of thieves. If we can't get everyone on board then it's better to form an alliance. 

The 33-party alliance led by Baidya Ba and his angry birds boycotted the CA election. Now, the 18-party alliance led by our Emperor and his stooges plan to boycott the CA unless the government forms a high-level probe commission to investigate election fraud. Why not we all pitch in and send our netas on a probe mission to Mars and let them stay there for a decade?

I think it's time we had our own political party and formed alliance with other honest folks to clean up the mess. The young folks can have their own party. The professionals can form their own thing. Our 'Ama Samuha' should form 'All Amas Party' and contest the local elections and then fight the general elections in the future.

I hope we will have the local elections soon because we are tired of the government appointed secretaries in our wards doing nothing but doling out funds to a bunch of chors from the major political parties. Somebody please come up with a name for our grand alliance of mothers and workers to fight against the usual brokers and free-loaders? 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Waiting for a Mandela

Some of our netas think that our country needs another Junga Bahadur or Lord Buddha.  Well, Lord Buddha would be fine but we can't have another Jungey Dai. That would mean only a family enjoying all the loot instead of hundreds of mini-maharajas having fun today.  What we really need is someone like Mandela.

Mandela has passed away at the age of 95. The world will always remember him as one of the world's greatest statesmen. But we are still waiting for our netas to rise above petty politics and be a leader instead of acting like a bunch of pickpockets. 

In the past sixty years, we have seen hundreds of clowns who have been offered opportunities to govern this country. But they all turned out to be false prophets who only enriched themselves and their families instead of helping the common folks.  

How long will we have to wait for honest leaders to lead us to the Promised Land? Well, it might take us a century or until our netas learn to fight elections without the help of mundrey gundas. We have yet to find a neta who has a vision to move this country forward. 

All our clowns only know tips and tricks on how to take this country down the drain. Maybe our netas should all be sent to vocational schools and they can learn some plumbing skills. At least that would teach them how to fix things up instead of only destroying everything in sight.

Mandela spent 27 years in prison but he was never bitter or angry. Our clowns spend a few years in prison and they think that this country owes them everything.  Mandela taught us about forgiveness and reconciliation. Our clowns only talk about vengeance. They blame each other and only smell conspiracies.

I think our government should have the new Constituent Assembly on the banks of Bagmati River and allows us to enjoy concerts and exhibitions at the International Convention Center instead. Our clowns can then smell the Bagmati River and maybe that will clear up their sinuses and inspire them to clean up the river. 

Mandela became South Africa' s first black president and then decided to go for reconciliation. He didn't turn out to be a dictator or used his powers to punish those who had prosecuted him.  Our Emperor failed to become our first president but he had the opportunity to bring everyone on board but even then failed miserably. 

Instead he was busy on petty stuff like trying to fire an Army Chief who was going to retire in a few months. Mandela even sang the apartheid-era Afrikaans anthem at his inauguration. He went on to meet those who had prosecuted him and his gestures of forgiveness helped the country to unite. 

Mandela was not a saint. He was just another individual who chose to forgive instead of seeking revenge.  

Our clowns can learn about honesty, humility and generosity from Mandela. Yes, he had his faults and the gap between the rich and the poor has widened over the years in South Africa. But the country had held four parliamentary elections. Yes, the ruling party the African National Congress has had its share of corruption scandals and abuse of power but democracy is still alive.

Like the South Africans after Mandela's election as President, we too had expected overnight changes after the 2046 BS Andolan. But our netas never pleaded for patience like Mandela.  Even now, our netas promise us quick fixes even though they know very well that it's a tough road ahead and we will all need to be patient.  

We are still waiting for our Truth and Reconciliation Commission. Why is it difficult for our Emperor and his courtiers to admit their crimes publicly and ask for forgiveness?  Our security forces should do the same as well. 

We should have done this five years ago and our Emperor could have turned out to be a Mandela. But instead he just turned out to be like the Mandaley from the previous regime. 

Mandela did not seek another term and left office in 1999. We still have the same players from more than two decades ago, who still dream of growing tomatoes in Baluwatar.  Our clowns should learn to let go. Yes, you will lose elections. Let go.  Give a new generation a chance to lead the country if you and your fellow clowns can't come up with new acts.

Do we really need a new President? I think we should stick with Lord Ramu instead of having another President.  Why waste taxpayers money by doling out more perks to a new person? We will also definitely have three or four Prime Monsters in the next few years since our Kangaroos and the United Mules would want the hot seat. Let the looting begin. 

Saturday, November 30, 2013

What our clowns can learn from our cricket team

Our clowns should learn a thing or two from our cricketers when it comes to working as a team. We will be playing in the T20 Cricket World Cup next year in Bangladesh.  Who would have thought that one day Nepal would be playing in a World Cup event? We are all proud of our lads and hope they will do well in the T20 World Cup.

Our cricketers should give motivation speeches to our clowns and inspire them to work together to write the constitution on time.  I think our political parties should host their own Twenty20 cricket matches and settle their differences over a game of cricket instead of using their cadres to bash each other up and making our lives miserable by shutting down schools, businesses and highways.

We hear media reports about how our government wallahs have promised our lads Rs 1 million each. That's great news but let's hope it won't turn out to be another publicity natak and they will really receive the dough instead of bad cheques. 

Yes, the Sports Ministry will forward the proposal to the Finance Ministry and the ones with the key to the state treasury will probably come up with million excuses and offer a paltry sum instead. 

So let's all get together and pitch in. Maybe we will be able to raise more and our cricket team can use the extra dough to hire more fitness coaches, nutritionists and physiotherapists.  

Maybe, we can ask Sachin Tendulkar to come to town and show our lads his game or two.  Yes, our athletes need better diet and they need to be mentally prepared for the T20 World Cup next year. 

Our soon to be CA members will received more than a million Rupees in salaries and perks in the next few years.  While our CA members will sit on comfy chairs and drink tea and agree to disagree, our cricketers don't even have decent ground to train. Maybe our new CA members will be kind enough to donate some of their salaries to help the game of cricket.

It would have been nice if our football team had qualified for the FIFA World Cup as well.  But of course, most of us can't afford to fly all the way to Brazil and pay thousands of dollars for the tickets. So maybe, our national team will qualify one day when we become a developed country and our common folks can afford to fly around the world by saving a month's salary or two.

Our women's national team may one day play in the FIFA World Cup but we can't really say the same about our men's team unless they start playing 'tiki-taka' football like the Spaniards. Or maybe someday, we will be rich enough like the Qataris to host our FIFA World Cup and then we will get automatic qualification for the tournament.  

Our Election Commission folks have finished counting the PR votes.  Yes, the two old school wallahs have received majority of the PR votes and it's probably the right time to start backbiting, back-stabbing and figuring out who gets the lucrative ministries. It will probably take a month or two before we find out the who will be the clowns  heading the government ministries.  

We have already seen two Prime Monsters from the United Mules. Maybe, the Kangaroos should have their man or woman in Baluwatar this time. And we don't want the same old clowns in the cabinet. 

If our political parties really care about the young folks in this country then they should at least give half of the ministries to folks to CA members who are under the age of 40. That doesn't mean that folks in their fifties or seventies are incompetent. Let's have young ones this time and see how they govern. And it would be great if we had a woman Prime Minister this time but of course,  not the same corrupt aunties like you know whom.

Kamal Thapa's 'Mahabharat-like' chariot-processions last year seems to have helped his party to get more PR votes. But of course that doesn't mean we want 'Lord Vishnu' back.  Kamal Dai should look at our cricket team. The cricketers are the face of New Nepal.  Our lads are from different ethnic backgrounds and religions coming together to accomplish a goal. 

Our comrades should go on cycling tour across the country and maybe they will do better next time.  Our former Home Minister, Bijaya Gacchu 's dream of becoming the next Prime Monster is over.  And if Baidya Ba is still bent on organizing protest programs then he can learn a thing or two from the Thais. 

Yes, Gherao the government ministries and do your natak but just let the kids go to school and allow us to go to work so that we can make a decent living.

Leonardo DiCaprio  has given US$3 million to WWF to help save our country's tigers. Maybe, we should ask him for more funds to help save our country's honest politicians for they too are endangered species as well.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Happy Winners & Sore Losers

Our Emperor is mighty pissed that he lost from Kathmandu Constituency No. 10.  A day before the election, everything was fine and dandy. A day after, our comrades now smell conspiracies and blame vote rigging and other nataks for their dismal performance this time.

Our Emperor didn't just lose by a few hundred votes.  If he had then  he could have asked for a recount but this time, he has come third. Half of the folks who voted for him the last time decided to give the other guy a chance.  So what went wrong?

The voters must have not been impressed with his money and muscles. Instead of moving to Lazimpat, our Emperor should have gone to Kirtipur to live as a home stay guest. Instead of drinking bideshi whiskeys and hanging out with foreign spooks, he should have moonlighted as a part-time taster for the local aila producers and hung out with the locals. 

If he had spent the last four years there then he would have been fluent in Newari and learned some of the dance moves for the local jatras. Then he could have impressed the local voters with his skills. But nope, he was busy living the good life.

Our comrades were surprised when they secured the highest votes during the previous CA election.  But this time, they are shocked with the results and are now blaming the rest of the world for conspiring against them. 

There will be ups and downs in life. And it's not like there won't be any other elections in the future. Our comrades should learn to be patient instead of acting like juvenile delinquents.  

Instead of acting like sore losers, our comrades should accept the results and show us all that they will work with others to write the constitution. After all, our major political clowns have promised us a constitution within a year. But our comrades now warn us that they will boycott the Constituent Assembly and will not be part of the constitution-drafting process.  

Our Emperor had promised Baidya Ba 26 CA seats before the election. Maybe the Kangaroos and The United Mules should offer 26 more seats to our Emperor and his courtiers. But of course, our comrades wanted the majority but the voters turned them into a minority. So let us all expect more bandas and nautanki nataks from the losers.

Even if Baidya Ba and his angry birds had not left the mother ship, the results would have been more or less the same. Our Emperor could have saved millions of Rupees if he had watched 'Sajha Sawal' regularly on TV. The people were not happy with our comrades.  I guess somebody forgot to tell them that they had not done much except blame others during the previous CA. 

The rest of us knew that they would not be getting as much votes as in the previous CA election but I guess our comrades were too busy with their nataks that they forgot about the voters.  

If our Emperor had spent some time at local chiya pasals then he would have known that the voters would not be giving him and his party another chance. But of course, he was busy flying around the country and didn't have time to listen to the masses.

Yes, if it weren't for our comrades, we wouldn't be having Constituent Assembly elections.  Yes, it's because of them that we are a Republic. But instead of ripping off the public, our comrades could have lowered the food prices and sent the corrupt and shady contractors to jail. But they turned out to be no better than the previous clowns. 

The old school wallahs will now be running the show.  We are not expecting much from them either but they too have gotten another chance to clean up the mess. And if they fail, then they too will suffer the same fate in the next election.

Hope our winners will find ways to bring the sore losers back to the CA building and work out their differences to give us a constitution. Gagan Thapa is a winner. And let's hope that by 2020, he will become our Prime Minister. I think Thapa should start his own party in the next election and the 'dog' wallahs can join him.  

Deuba is still the Maharaja from Dadeldhura.. Sushil Da has shown the world that you really don't need to speak much to win the election whereas our Emperor has shown us that no matter how much you brag, boast and toast, whine and dine… you will still lose if the voters are not happy with your nataks. 

Makune is a happy man.  He lost twice and became our Prime Monster. He has won this time and we might have to make him our President.

Yes, let the winners rejoice and the losers should evaluate their performance this time and figure out what when wrong.  All we want is a constitution and no more constipated political deadlocks.  Now, somebody needs to give our clowns some laxatives.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Gifts with Strings Attached

The Desis have given our government 716 vehicles worth Rs 850 million for the upcoming Constituent Assembly election. As usual, our netas and civil servants are only good at begging for gift hampers from our chimekis. Our incompetent buffoons make us all look bad. 

We are not a nation of beggars. Most of us are hardworking, law-abiding citizens who make an honest living. And then we have our lazy bums who are running the show, who break all the laws of the land and get rich from illegal means.  

No wonder, the Desi and the Chinese ambassadors tell our clowns what to do. After all, beggars can’t be choosers and if you are always begging for funds for this and that then you must do the benefactors' bidding.

Maybe our government could have done us all a favor by asking the Chinese for 601 new vehicles for all of our soon to be CA members.  We have to make sure that we get more or less similar gift hampers from our chimekis so that one of them doesn't sulk and refuse to give us more freebies in the future.

Since most of our freeloaders are only in it for free lunch and chiya kharcha, why not give them a vehicle each?  And if they can finish writing the constitution within a year, they can keep the vehicles for themselves.  

And once they are done being CA members, they can rent out the vehicles to travel agencies to take Chinese tourists around the valley. After all, our chimekis are patriotic lots and would be proud to ride in vehicles manufactured in their own countries.  

The Chinese gave the Kathmandu Municipality hundreds of vehicles and they still haven't used most of them. The Indians built the trauma center but our government has yet to operate it.  Maybe, our roads in the valley would have all been black-topped by now if we had given the contracts to the Chinese. 

But no, we want our Nepali contractors to make some dough. That's a good thing but the work is shoddy and our clowns and civil servants get their share of kickbacks.  

It's very surprising that our government is spending Rs 16 billion for the election but doesn't have enough funds for the vehicles. Since our government offices will be closed for four days, our police wallahs could have used the vehicles of other government agencies instead.  Or we could have asked all the hakim sahebs and netas to return their government vehicles and used them for election purposes. 

But no, we need new 'free' vehicles so that we can use it later to take the wives of hakim sahebs for shopping or to their family gatherings. And we need more vehicles so that our security personnel can provide security for the Very Irritating Persons (VIPs).  

Instead of wasting our taxpayers money on providing security to our incompetent buffoons, why not just hand them full body armor if they are too worried about their safety?  The state must stop providing security and other chiya kharcha to our VIPs. Most of our netas have enough mundrey gundas to provide security for them anyway. 

In a year or two, don't be surprised if the 'free' vehicles look like it's been on the road for a decade.  Most of our government agencies are good at never maintaining their vehicles. I guess somebody forgot to tell our sarkari hakim sahebs that they must set aside funds for maintenance of vehicles and office buildings.  

They must have maintenance funds but most of it is embezzled by the employees themselves.   If you go to a government office then you might not recognize the hakim saheb but the driver will stand out because he will be acting like he owns the place. Of course not all our civil servants are lazy bums. 

It's the same everywhere, 20% competent workers do all the work while the rest do nothing but come up with fake bills to drain the state coffer.

After all, our civil servants are too busy reading newspapers, drinking tea and sun bathing that they are not bothered with run down vehicles in their office backyard. You can find many rusting vehicles with weeds growing out. Somebody should just turn these into a vegetable garden and grow 'Dalley' khursani or tomatoes. Then our civil servants can enjoy some achar with their khaja during tea-break.

It's always good to receive gifts from your neighbors but when the time comes, they will probably ask for favors worth much more than what we get from them.  

Let's hope someday, our government has enough funds to dole out free gift hampers to our chimekis. That day might come soon because we will be a developed country flushed with cash if we are to believe the master plans of our nautanki political parties. 

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Make up your mind

I hope most of us have already made up our minds on whom to vote for the upcoming CA election. If you want Lord Vishnu back then you better back Kamal Thapa and his 'Mahabarata' crew. If you don't like any of our clowns and want to stay home instead of standing in line for hours to cast your vote then you can offer your moral support to our Baidya Ba and his friends. 

The angry birds are looking for those who are good at hurling stones and torching vehicles and if you have such skills then this is the right time to apply. But don't expect much chiya kharcha because they don't have much funds like the Emperor and his courtiers.

If you still believe in the 'old school' wallahs then you can vote for the 'tree' and the 'sun'.  But don't expect them to come up with a 'green energy' plan anytime in the future. 

If you still want a revolution and want gulags for your enemies and riches for your friends then it's safe to vote for our Emperor and his friends.  But of course, you are not going to make any dough unless you are related to the comrades or have a bunch of get rich quick schemes by draining the state coffer.

Baidya Ba and his crew plan to go ahead with their banda natak from Monday. But the 33 weaklings have made some changes to their 10-day circus acts. The 'boycott' wallahs plan to take a few days off in between the banda.  

I guess Baidya Ba and his crew now know that it is not possible to carry out even a week-long banda.  After all, you will need lots of dough to feed and house them cadres.

Our Emperor and his courtiers did shut down the country for a week when Makune was growing organic tomatoes in Baluwatar. But the general public were more pissed rather than being inspired to join their natak. And our weaklings know that they will not win any brownie points if they carry out a 10-day straight banda.

Our Emperor has promised Baidya Ba 26 seats in the upcoming Constituent Assembly but the angry birds are not impressed with the proposal.  Maybe, they would have called off their boycott natak if they were promised 26 SUVs and a truckload of cash.  

The 'boycott' wallahs are busy torching vehicles of candidates across the country. I hope our political parties have insured their vehicles. This is the right time for insurance companies to come up with TV advertisements to promote their vehicle insurance programs.  A cadre torches a vehicle and an insurance agent stands right next to the vehicle, ready to write a check to compensate the vehicle owner. 

The West has once again issued travel alerts for its citizens traveling to Nepal.  So if you are an American, Australian, Canadian or British then you will need to be cautious and not plan your treks in Nepal for the coming month. 

The only person who has not received the travel warning yet must be the  former US President Jimmy Carter . He is coming to town along with few other high-profile foreigners to observe the CA election. The Carter Center will have 50 observers from 27 countries, taking notes and making sure that we have a free and fair election.

The Carter Center had their observers during the first CA election in 2008. Maybe, this time, the foreign observers should strictly go to the Madesh and the hills instead of just hanging out in urban areas and taking pictures and enjoying their vacation.

November is like the peak tourism season for Nepal. I think Nepal Tourism Board should come up with new publicity campaigns to attract more westerners to the country. Come to Nepal and join the rallies and take as much pictures as you like. 

If you are white then nobody is going to pick on you.  The cadres will be more than willing to help you out with their different poses for your pictures.  But if you are from SAARC nations or from them ASEAN countries then make sure you tell them that you are a foreigner because most of you will look like a Nepali until you speak out in your native tongue.  

Even the South Americans tend to look like Nepalis.  But they can be safe, if they wear 'Messi' football shirts and teach the cadres how to Tango or Salsa.  

Let's hope our government will be successful in conducting the CA election with very less violence and other nautanki nataks. Let's hope that our clowns will then work together to find a common ground to write the constitution and lift this country out of a coma. 

After all, all we can do is hope that our clowns will finally come to their senses and do the right thing instead of dragging us all down with their mutual understanding to disagree on everything except when it comes to looting the state coffer. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Violence for Votes

It seems our clowns and their cadres will never learn to fight fair and will continue to use all the dirty tricks they can come up with to intimidate their opponents during the election campaigns. Why do our netas need the help of hooligans to win from their constituencies? Why can't the so-called cadres just stick to chanting political slogans and greeting the voters instead of carrying out bandas and hurling stones and petrol bombs against each other?

Our political parties are buying bicycles and saris for potential voters. Maybe they should have opened 'fair price' shops and sold aloo and onions for a few Rupee less. With the way them food prices are rising, we won't be able to afford to eat aloo chops soon. Most of us are already vegetarians not because we would like to but buying a kg of mutton is like 10% of our salary.

Some of our political parties are handing out caps and t-shirts. The summer is already over. How about coats and jackets for the winter? But the mundrey gundas who have found part-time jobs with the parties get new bikes and wads of cash. And the temporary police wallahs don't even get decent housing and will not receive even full salary for their work during the CA election. 

It's ironic that our government does not have enough funds whereas the political parties have enough dough to charter helicopters and what not. The byaparis submit fake VAT bills and evade taxes while the political parties collect 'voluntary' taxes from them byaparis. Most of our hakim sahebs have mini-mansions in the valley. We are still waiting for the day when common folks get some benefits from the state

Our clowns are busy violating the election code of conduct  and  instead of taking action against them buffoons, the EC wallahs only seek clarifications in writing. I guess our hakim sahebs at the Election Commission (EC) must be busy shopping for Tihar. 

Our cadres are busy attacking their rivals. Instead of using knives, bamboo sticks and rocks to fight each other, why not settle their differences over a game of football? Yes, organize a knock-out football tournament in the district and have them cadres participate in it. 

The political parties can share the revenue from selling the tickets instead of extorting byaparis all over. And the candidate of the winning team can then organize a victory rally in the district and promise to win the FIFA World Cup by 2030. Is it possible? No, but it has better odds than us having 40,000 MW of electricity by then.

It's Tihar. Maybe our cadres should put on them deusi-bahilo program and sing and dance instead of bashing each other up. Our candidates should have hired 'dohori' singers and organized concerts in their constituencies. I think that would be more effective than boring voters with their same old 'hawa-taari' guff of how they will make Nepal a developed country in a decade or two. 

Instead of handing out free gifts to voters, why not hand out brooms to your cadres and ask them clean up our neighborhood? Our clowns should  deploy their cadres to help us clean our homes for Tihar. I guess that would not be violating the election code of conduct.  And after the clean-up program, the candidate can then organize a chiya-paan karyakaram. While we drink tea, samosas and onion pakoras, the clown can then tell us why we should  vote for him or her.  

Our helicopter companies must be fully booked this month. Our so-called netas are busy using them choppers for their election campaigns. The EC has allowed the use of helicopters in several remote areas but our clowns are busy using them to places where they can reach by vehicles in a few hours.

It's useless to have a code of conduct for our clowns. They think they are above the law and our EC hakim sahebs gently request the buffoons not to violate the code again instead of punishing the guilty ones.  The EC has even formed a high-level panel to take action against the violators and has also deployed 'flying squad' teams in the valley to make sure that candidates do not violate the election code of conduct.  So don't be surprised  if you see a bunch of pot-bellied men wearing  'Superman' costumes, flying around the valley. 

Somebody needs to remind our political parties that it's about time they stop using their 'old school' strategy to win the votes. Instead of winning the hearts and minds of potential voters with clear goals and vision, our clowns resort to the same old violent nataks of assault, intimidation and threats. Somebody needs to provide new textbooks on 'election campaigns' to our clowns. 

Maybe our bideshi donors should have organized some workshops for our cadres on how to play a fair game instead of just doling out millions for the CA election.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

A Mad Man's Manifesto

Our political parties think that we, the common people are fools.  That's why they keep on making outlandish promises during election season and expect us to believe them.  We have seen what our clowns are capable of and yet we continue to hope that they will mend their ways and finally get this country on track. 

The road widening project is a clear example of how things are run in this country.  The Lazimpat-Maharjgunj area has them Embassies and the President's House. Gyanu Uncle also lives in the area and so does our Emperor. But it seems that it doesn't make any difference to our Thulo mancheys. After all they all ride in them luxury vehicles and don't have to walk or take public transport.

Our netas come up with outrageous plans to make this land of ours a developed country within a decade. Even the fortune teller in Ratnapark thinks it's not possible and would rather let the parrot fly away then make the bird pick up fortune cards and rip off the public.

Well it's already been more than two decades and we are still waiting for water from Melamchi so that we can take a shower without worrying if we will have enough water left to wash our clothes. We are still waiting for the 10,000 MW of electricity our parties promised us five years ago.

The Nepali Congress and CPN-UML have promised us that Nepal will be a developed country in ten years and yes, once again, we will have 10,000 MW of electricity by then. Our Emperor and his party are hoping to rule us for the next 40 years. Maybe that’s why they have come up with a 40-year-plan to make Nepal a superpower.

The Maoists could have just copied and pasted some of the stuff from the Chinese Communist Party's playbook. The Chinese change their leadership every ten years.  If our Emperor can promise us that he and his chums will step down after ten years and retire in Rolpa then maybe we would give them another chance to make it right. 

If our netas can't come up with any new economic policy then just follow what the Desis and the Dumpling gang did many decades ago. Our political parties don't want foreign investment in the country. They are just happy receiving chump change from foreign hands for their own party and cadres.

If we were to follow the Emperor's plan then Nepal will be a middle-income country in the next twenty years. The Maoists hope to make Nepal a high-income country after that. The only folks who will have high income then will still be them contractors, civil servants and cadres. The rest of us will be left high and dry.

The Maoist manifesto tell us that our comrades plan to achieve such growth through intense development. Yes, maybe if all our political parties can mobilize their cadres to work in our farms then we can at least minimize imports of agro-products from our chimekis.

In the next 40 years, our per capita income will be US$ 40,000 if all goes well according to our Emperor's economic revolution.  You can get a few annas of land in the outskirts of the valley with that money now. In the next 40 years, you will probably get an inch of the same land.

So why not just raise our hopes high and tell us that all of us will be making at least a million dollars by then. That would be possible only if we were all hired as personal assistants to our netas.

Our comrades also plan to end load shedding problems within three years.  The only way it will be possible is if the government gives us all free generators and fuel. The Nepali Congress and the CPN-UML plans to produce 5,000 MW of electricity in the next five years.  

Maybe our major political parties should just invest their funds earned from extortion, bribes and shady deals into our hydropower projects and bring an end to the load shedding natak. But our netas are only interested to loot the state coffer and enjoy free lunch.

Our political parties plan to create hundreds of thousands of jobs in the next few years. The Maoist are going a step further and will eliminate unemployment in the next 15 years.  Our manpower companies better start diversifying their investment because if that happens then there won't be any dough left to make by sending our young folks to foreign lands to work under inhumane conditions. 

And maybe it's time to shut down the Nepal Tourism Board (NTB) and save millions of Rupees in promoting Nepal overseas because our political parties have their own master plan to attract millions of tourists to our land.  

We don't know how our clowns will achieve all their promises but we now know that they are not only corrupt and incompetent but also crazy and delusional as well. Our clowns should seek psychiatric help instead of even thinking about governing this country.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Incompetent Idiots

The common citizens are broke because they spent most of their savings during Dashain.  Half of us had to take out loans so that we could buy a khasi and gifts for our loved ones. 

But the corrupt clowns are flushed with cash and ready to dole out the dough to their cadres and mundrey gundas so that they can either capture the booths or get as many votes as they can through distribution of notes. 

Now you know why you couldn't find new bank notes this Dashain.

The only folks who made a killing during Dashain were our taxi wallahs. It would have been nice if the government had offered free bus services in the valley for Tika. But as usual, the common folks ended up paying four or five times more the usual taxi fare to receive tika from their loved ones. 

Yes, even the cabbies have to make some money but charging a thousand Rupees for a trip that cost less than two hundred is pure day-light robbery.  

Maybe we should make it mandatory for all our hakim sahebs and politicians to at least use public transportation once a week. Maybe then they will feel our pain and come up with new laws to help us from getting ripped off.

When was the last time our Emperor used public transport to visit Chitwan? He will probably never use public transport again in his life because he gets a SUV and free fuel from the government. It's nice to get all them benefits for spending only 9 months in Baluwatar. 

We should move the capital to Rolpa and then our clowns can walk up and down the hill to attend all them meetings. 

Dr. Saheb decided to show us all that he didn't care much for a Japanese vehicle and decided to use a 'Mustang'. But the rest of his cabinet weren't impressed with Ali Baba and decided to use the gas-guzzling SUVs instead. If they had an ounce of shame then they would have downgraded to small compact cars. 

Let's hope that  Dr. Saheb will only use public transport if he gets to become our Prime Monster again.  
Kantipur TV should come up with a show where our politicians take up a job of a citizen for a day.  Our Emperor can work in a hospital as an orderly. 

And when angry relatives storm the hospital and go on a rampage, blaming the doctors for negligence, maybe then he will see the light and carry out much-needed  reforms in our hospitals. Instead of vandalism, there should be an independent commission to investigate medical malpractice cases and those burning things up should face heavy fines and lengthy jail term as well. 

But of course, our political parties will not support such laws because if they did then nearly all of their cadres would be in jail because they are only good at demolition.  

All those affected by the road widening project who still have to demolish their homes should hire them cadres. Maybe at least once in their life, they will understand what work is.

Dr. Saheb  could take up a job as a jeep driver to Mustang, driving a 'Mustang' and when he is surrounded by villagers threatening to burn his jeep for trying to pick up passengers in their area then he will at least find out how our transport syndicates now own our roads. 

6,139 folks are contesting in the upcoming Constituent Assembly (CA) election under the first-past-the-post system for 240 seats.  It looks like majority of the buffoons who are standing up for the CA election don't care if they lose their deposits. Maybe they just want to tell their grandchildren someday that they too stood up for election a long time ago. 

We have only 630 women candidates under the direct election system.  It's about time our mothers, sisters, wives and girlfriends got together and opened an only-women political party.  If every other lazy and crazy bums have their own political party then why aren't our hardworking  women thinking about starting a political party of their own?

We have more than 1,000 independent candidates who would be happy to get a handful of votes.  Some of them might receive a bora full of cash to drop out but most of them are in it just because they really don't have anything else to do. So why not be a candidate and have your 15 minutes of fame or shame or enjoy the game while it lasts? 

It would also be a good time to know your chimekis. Visit their homes and enjoy a cup of chiya and use it as some kind of a networking time. By the time you are done with visiting every homes in your constituency, you will know whom to call when you need to fix your sink, or which dentist to visit to take out your wisdom tooth. 

If you live in rural areas then you will probably get a bunch of witch doctors who would rather ask you for chickens whereas in the cities, you could make friends with rich doctors who could contribute some cash for your election campaign.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Happy Dashain!

The only person who is going to have fun this Dashain is our former Home Minister Khum Bahadur Khadka. The guy spent more than a year in prison and he is not ashamed of it. He must still have quite a lot of dough left in his backyard.  

Khum Dai must have spent at least a million Rupees to gather his cadres to welcome him after his release from Dillibazar Jail on Wednesday. 

Instead of slipping away quietly, the clown had to show us all that he still has money and muscles. In this land of ours, clowns who are convicted of corruption and spend some time in jail seem to believe that it is kind of a plus point for them. 

As usual, convicted politicians cook up their own conspiracy theories and blame others. We still have yet to get a politician who is convicted of corruption to apologize for his or her sins.

Maybe our court wallahs need to increase the fine and the jail term as well. A former mayor of Detroit has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for corruption. Yes, even in Amrika, they have a few corrupt politicians. Here, we have a few honest ones and most of them don't get the tickets to stand up for election. 

It's very hard to talk about ethics and morality when most of your own party members are only worried about making as much moolah as they can while in power.

Let's all hope that next time a corrupt politician is sentenced to jail, he or she will serve at least a decade or two in prison. And instead of giving them special privileges, the convicted politician should be the one doing all the dishes and the laundry in the jail.

Khum Dai's paid fans welcome him as if he had been elected the Prime Minister.  The traffic in the valley was disrupted due to the rally. Maybe it would be better if our CDO sahebs in the valley at least come up with a rule that makes it mandatory for anyone to first get a permit before they take out a rally. 

And what’s up with the corrupt clown wearing a garland weighing over a quintal? Hope the garlands will be re-gifted to his supporters so that they can use it for Dashain.  

Our goat traders sold more than 20,000 goats this week. Our state-owned Nepal Food Corporation (NFC) sold only 1,600 goats through its fair price outlets. I think another 1,600 goats must have died in their godowns. And then the goats came back from dead and were delivered to the homes of our clowns, civil servants and cops. 

And most of the goats must have been purchased by our contractors because if they don't make the hakim sahebs happy during Dashain, then they won't be getting further contracts in the future.

The Libyan Prime Minister was briefly abducted by armed gunmen a few days ago.  Maybe our government wallahs should send our security personnel to teach the Libyans how to protect their top clowns. 

Our security personnel have failed to curb crimes and protect the public but they are good at stopping the traffic and making us cringe with their blaring sirens when our clowns get on the road. And the security detail drives in such a hurry as if the clown inside the vehicle badly needs to find a loo to pee.

In this age of Republic, the only folks who feel secured and are better off than four years ago are our clowns, cadres and contractors.  The rest of us have to just grind our teeth, pay more for everything and get on with our lives. 

And Baidya Ba has surprised us all by announcing that his party will not resort to violence during the upcoming Constituent Assembly election. It's very hard to believe the angry birds. A while ago, they had demonstrated their hammering skills by breaking a mock ballot box with a hammer. 

Now, they plan to peacefully persuade the  public to boycott the poll. I guess our foreign donors must have spent some dough providing anger management training to the angry birds. Or maybe they just looked at their financial books and couldn't find the funds to buy hammers and sickles.

Happy Dashain to everyone. Please drink, eat and gamble in moderation unlike our clowns who love to drink bidhesi whiskey till they drop,  gorge like they haven't  eaten since last year and gamble our future away so that they can make some few more Rupees.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Ready to Rumble

It looks like Dashain has come early for our incompetent clowns. Our so-called visionary netas were all happy to file their nomination papers for the upcoming Constituent Assembly (CA) election.  

Most of them were wearing tikas, khadas and wearing garlands of flowers as if they had just come home after fighting a big battle with their invisible enemies.  If there is a shortage of flowers for the festival then we now know whom to blame. 

Let us hope that they will tone down the celebration when some of them will win from their respective constituencies.  While common citizens are worried about where to get some dough to buy a Khasi for Dashain, our clowns and their cadres are busy calculating how much Dashain dakshina to collect voluntarily from our fake VAT bill wallahs, shady contractors and corrupt civil servants. 

After all, you need notes to win the votes. And if the cadres don't get their chiya kharcha then they will probably help your opponent to win the election instead.

Our Emperor is once again battling it out in two constituencies and so is Dr. Saheb and other top leaders from the other political parties. Even Makune has not lost hope. He lost in two constituencies in the previous CA election and still became our Prime Monster. If he loses again then we hope to see him as our President.

Our Emperor will be facing a wrestler, the 'Himalayan Tiger', a slapper, who managed to at least get up close and personal with the Emperor and other weaklings in Kathmandu Constituency No 10.  The 'Himalayan Tiger' should challenge his opponents to face him in the ring. 

Our Emperor will probably send a bunch of cadres instead. After all, he is not someone who is going to play by the rule. And the slapper will probably win a few sympathy votes but at the end of the day, King Kong will use his supernatural powers to get elected.

The big boss has all the money and muscles and he is more than likely to win from both Kathmandu and Siraha. And then he will probably vacate the seat from Siraha and the EC wallahs will have to conduct another election and waste more money.  

Let us hope that the EC will ask the government to amend the laws in the future and bar candidates from standing up for election from two constituencies.  

Dr Saheb is not happy with being the King of Gorkha, he now wants to be the Governor General of Rupandehi as well. He will probably win from both places and he will leave Rupandehi and we will have another election to choose another clown to have fun at the CA.

In this land of ours, it's not about winning the hearts and minds of the voters. It's all about hiring mundrey gundas and making sure that even the dead folks get to cast their ballot. Our political parties will continue to extort from byaparies for them elections and then loot the state treasury when in power. 

Across the border, our beloved Laloo Prasad Yadav is going to jail. It has taken the Desis this long to go after their netas. So don't expect our current batch of clowns to land in jail anytime soon.  Laloo was once the 'King of Bihar' and his stint as the Railway Minister won accolades from around the world. 

But all looting must come to an end someday. And it's Laloo's time to go away. Maybe one day, we will have a special court that will finally gather all the evidence needed to show us all that our clowns are nothing but crooks masquerading as our leaders. 

Let's all feel sorry for our Kollywood star Bhuwan KC. I guess the Unidentified Moronic Losers don't like his acting skills. Bhuwan dai should have joined the Maoists instead. But his 'romance' skills would look lame compared to that of our Crown Prince. 

Thank God, the polygamist Prince didn’t get a ticket or else he would have been updating his Facebook status every few minutes. But his lover seems to have won the heart of our Emperor. So even if the son is no good, the new buhari seems to enliven the mood. 

And the Emperor should spin it and tell the media that the only reason he decided to dole out the tickets to his daughter and daughter-in-law is because he wants more women representation in the CA.

Our clowns have no remorse that because of their stupid nataks, we are spending billions again to conduct the CA election. And we will spend a few more billions to pay their salaries for another few years and we are not even sure if they will finally manage to come together to write a constitution. 

Our new CA clowns should do us all a favor and forgo their salaries and perks this time around. Maybe then they can take all their time on their own dime to figure everything out.