Monday, February 28, 2011

Got Bail?

The Nepal Airlines Corporation(NAC) ko Chairman Saheb... Mr. Kansakar is in jail because he could not afford them bail sail... and the bail pani kay saaro ho .. 60 million Rupees rey... 6 crores!

This is what happens when you get them job sob @ them PEs (Public Enterprises)... if you don't listen to them netas and do what's right for them organization, then you get @#$!ed !

I think we should just close down NAC and let go of them 1,800+ employees as well... we only have ... like one plane slane ... and tyo pani ... it's always canceled and what not! Why don't we sell that 'one' plane we have left ... maybe Sujata Auntie can ask her sin-in-law to help us find them buyer suyer .. .hehe!

It's the same story with NOC, NEA, NTC and all of them so-called 'Sarkaari Corporations'. Then.. we can call it 'No Airlines Corporation' ni... that's right! No Electricty Authority, No Oil Corporation, No Police, No Government.. Abuh tuh desh ko naam nai 'No' ho ki kya ko?

And I don't want to bitch about Sujata Auntie.. but if she ever gets summoned to them court sourt and is found guilty then how much would her baily money be ni? Let us do the math.. them NAC, APC and all other ghotalas sabai jodyo bhaney tuh... probably 600 million Rupees hola ni uha ko bail amount tuh.. hahah!

But that's not going to happen ... our netas and neta-nis are the new 'Shree Tin Maharajas' of Nepal ni! Paras Dai will have to visit them Police station but Rubel Choudhary can stay home and give his bayaan sayaan ni!

And when it comes to them bail money soney ... we have to give it up to our great 'businessman' Kalu Sir (one tyam Hong Kong ma basney dui numberi and now 'real estate' tycoon!) ... when them 'Unity Scam' ko natak was in them news.. he had to pay like 5 crores to get out.. and he managed to bring that much cash in less than two hours rey!

Them 'Unity' folks made like ... 100 million US$ (not Rupees) and majority of them 'poor' folks from our villages took out them loans soans to pay like Rs 15,000 to be a member of them 'Unity' circus and so far .. them 'taukeys' are still out there .. having fun ni!

Nepal ma yestai ho... you fool them 'innocent' people and have fun but at the same tyam.. don't forget to throw them 'loot' around.. give some of them 'chori ko maal' to our politicial parties and everybody will go home happy.. except them hardworking, innocent folks ni!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The King's Speech...

No.. I am not talking about Gyanu Uncle's last speech as the 'last King' of Nepal! The movie is about Prince Albert and later King George VI of them British Empire and his 'stammering' and the Australian guy who helped him to speak without bhak-bhaka-ing!

I do hope ... someday ... our Nepali film-makers will also do a movie about our 'House of Shah' and would really want to see the last 24 hours before 'King Gyanendra Bir Bikram Shah Dev' threw in the towel and finished his last cigarette inside 'Narayanhiti Palace' and said '#$%@ it... I am leaving... for now'.

If only them King's men read some books about them 'British Monarchy' or them 'Pad Thai' monarchy then things would have turned out for better hola ni! I don't know... but today we are not talking about the fall of 'House of Shah' and rise of 'House of Prachandoo' .. today we talk about them British feelim seelim ni!

This movie will probably win a bunch of Oscars.. that's for sure! I think the 'Best Picture' award tuh pakka nai bhayee sakyo! Or we never know .. it might lose like we did when it came to them 'UNGA' ko Presidency ko laagi.. hahah.. Poor Kul Chandra Dai... when the Qataris came to Nepal to ask us to withdraw from that race.. we should have demanded like '100' million dollars and bought a new plane for NAC with it ni!

But we didn't and we lost and Oscar ko award saward ma pani yestai natak hooncha bela bela maa!

The movie is about the man who went on to become a King but along the way... he got some help with his 'stammering' from a failed actor and speech therapist! In the end... a common man helps the 'Raja' .... and the movie is a low-budget flick compared to them 'Hollywood' wallahs!

It was made for under 10 million pounds, and like 10% tuh funded by UK Film Council rey! I hope someday.. we will have our own 'Nepal Film Council' funding our film-makers ni! Right now.. we have them 'Film Development Board' natak.. another playground for our netas and their chamchas!

And Anup Baral is moving to India rey! He has been hired as them 'creative head' for some production company rey! Congrats and good luck ... show them Desis how it's done bhaney ruh! Kay garney... Nepal ma dishoom-dishoom film silm bahek aroo naw-banney bhayo!

And when them Jagga Dalals and Dui-numberis become film producers then who the @#$! gives a @#$! about them story ni! The Dui-numberis just want to go 'legit' and can always recover his losses by doing another 'business' deal seal.. whereas our 'Jagga' Dalals just want them hero-ni ko number sumber and he is all 'dil khoos' rey.. hahah!

Batch #16 is coming out soon... March 4th ma rey! Everybody is talking about this movie. And Nepal ma 'action saction' sells .... and hope this movie will do well! It seems to have the right masala-mix for the masses! And it will be like ... one of the most expensive Kollywood production hola ... @ 1.15 crores!

Now let's do some math... them hall-wallahs take more than 60% of them box office gross (+chiya kharcha pani rey) ... so Batch #16 will have to make at least 3 crores to break even! Lau hai... good luck suck!

I am also seriously thinking about producing and directing a low-budget 'Rajnikanth' -remake .. Nepali eestyle!

I have already thought of them action scenes... like.. A Micro-bus driver wants to run over our hero and he just stops it with his bare hands.. and the Micro-bus is all kachaak-koo-chook! And a hoodlum attacks our hero with some iron rod sod... and since our hero is not armed and is in a vegetable shop... he grabs a moolaa and throws it at the villain and our villain chokes on the moolaa and dies!

Okay.. where are we going? Wanted to talk about 'The King's Speech' .. not much to talk about hola! It's a great movie.... will win them Oscars and has already made like 200+ million dollars! Them Brits do know how to tell them stories hola.... and hope one day our films will make enough money to pay off our foreign debt sebt and win some Oscars as well....

And Geoffrey Rush can play anybody. Some day.. if we ever make a movie about 'Gyanu' Uncle.. we need to get Rush.. don't worry.. he is them actor's actor ki kay bhancha ni. He will probably learn Nepali in 3 weeks, wear them daura-surwal and do them 'Namastey' too!

At the end of the day... let us all be thankful to them 'little' people who have made them so-called 'great' people .... great, by either helping them to overcome their stammer or cook for them or wash their clothes or clean their rooms .. lastuh ma gaw-ye-ruh... we all do our part ni!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Climb Every Mountain.....

Our great civil servants are now planning to climb Everest rey! Good job guys.... them folks do need some exercise ni! I guess it does get boring going to them same office and doing the same work swork day in and day out!

Our so-called government offices open @ 10am but majority of them great civil servants show up an hour later kyaaruh and by 3 , no work gets done because they are all ready to go home rey! Now, our 15 sarkaari karmachaaris will be climbing Everest to show us that they are also physically fit sit ki ... khoi kay ko natak ho yo?

And them expedition ko kharcha is around Rs 3 crores rey! And who is footing the bill? As always, it's us .. the 'poor' taxpayers ni! I think we should have the 'Everest' clause in our new constitution!

What? Like.. if you want to be the Prime-Monster then you will have to climb Everest first... or something like that.. I think Baburam could do it! And since Kamal Thapa is a big-tyam fitness freak.. he could also finish the 'Everest' race hola!

Maybe they can do them joint expedition hola ni.. a little bit of Left and a little bit of Right.... we better find someone who follows them middle path or something like that or else.. we are doomed forever hola!

And our great President is having fun in Kuwait with them military parades and what not! Hope he gets some medal sedal from the Sheiks ... something like 'El-Amir Great Wanderer of the East' title sitle!

What the @$#! is he doing in Kuwait? Them Kuwaitis even sent them private plane for our Prezzi rey! I think it's about tyam... our President had his own 'Air Force One' like Obama!
We could give him one of them NAC ko old twin-otters .. heheh! Or maybe he just want some tyam off.. before the 'President's Rule' begins!

what's up with our netas visiting them schools in Lalitpur ko gau sau and using them helicopters? So VIP ki... they can't even walk for like an hour hola ni!

First ... it was our Lalitpur ka CA member, Mr. Barsha Man Pun! He used to be them Mao-Army ko commander and probably walked for like 18 hours non-stop during them 'Rambo' days hola! And just recently, our CA Chairman, Mr. NameBang attended them 50th anniversary of some school in Lalitpur ko koon chai ho gau!

He flew in from Kathmandu... hahah! What we need is them roads soads .. not them netas and their helicopter-rides and them same speech 'We are working on it..' whenever they are asked about how this 'constitution' writing thing is going bhaney ruh!

Yestai ho... spend our money like it's your bau ko dhukuti ni! Kuirey lay bhanchan ni.. 'Make them Hay say while them Sun Shines' ... the sun is shining on them netas while the rest of us are caught in the middle of them freaking tornado sornado! After all.. our netas haroo pani tuh bichara hami jastai tuh ho ni!

Netas wanna have fun and they should.... maybe them 'Bryan Adams' organizers should ask 'Cyndi Lauper' to visit Nepal and sing us a song or two. I think she will charge less... and I am sure we will have 20,000+ folks rocking and them tickets sickets pani ali affordable hooncha hola ni!

Now.. we have less than 90 days to go and our politicians aren't worried at all. So-called 'peace' talks in Cambodia is canceled. Thanks... hamro paisa tuh ali kati bhaye pani bachyo ni! Our netas seem to love them foreign lands too much! I guess.. they need them foreign hands in foreign lands to straighten things out hola ni!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Migrant Workers...

Libya is burning... and so is them Bahrain, Yemen and looks like them 'so-called' great rulers will either have to pack up their bags and leave or give some discounts hola ni... so if bread is 1 Dinar then , buy 1 get 1 free offer diney ho ki?

And our fuel prices will go up since them 'Oily' nations are burning surning.. and I hear them Micro-Bus ko fare sare might jump 40-50% or more rey! So if you are paying NRs 14 from Lagankhel to Ratnapark .. then please be prepared for them Rs 20 per trip!

And our great government is preparing to rescue our men (and women pani hola) from Libya rey! Well, we only have a Prime-Monster for now.. so I guess he will be like one of them Millions of Hindu God or Goddesses with them 30 different hands sands ni!

Well, we are a secular nation now (our former Home-Minister Kamal Thapa doesn't know it yet!) but even them communists still do them puja suja and wear them tika sika ... so I guess.. it's safe to say ... may Lord Pashupatinath save them migrant workers in them Arab lands!

And the funny thing is that ... them workers were sent to Libya by our #1 manpower agency, SOS Manpower rey! When a company is named after a distress signal.. then you have to be careful hoinuh ruh? I don't know.. maybe it was named after three partners named Shyam, Om and Sanjeev hola ni!

SOS sent like 5,000+ folks to them foreign lands last year. And a year before that .. they sent like 10,000 folks rey! Now let's do the math ni.. 5,000 x 1 lakhs (sasto maa!) then that's like 50 crores!

They paid like 4.5 million Rupees in taxes and that's like not even 1% of what they made ni! I have no idea how our corporate taxes work but I am pretty sure they spent nearly 20% (10 crores) or more on them so-called donations, or extortion or political contribution... depends on whom you ask ni!

And then them 'rich' manpower sahujis get into them 'Newspaper' and TV business ni (kay bhanchan ni ... media sedia!) Ali ali diversify tuh garnai paryo ni, hoinuh ruh?

And we have to thank our government for opening them 108 countries as labor destinations for our migrant workers! So far, our men and women have found work only in them 35 countries rey!

And even though we still get them 'No Go Iraq' stamped on our passports, our brave men and women still go there kyaaruh! And what's up with our Ministry of Labor Sabor arse-holes?

You can also go to Rwanda, Burundi and Somalia rey .. if you want too and do what... I don't know... maybe if you have them training at being them pirates sirates then you can join a 'Somalian' company which deals with 'ships haroo ma daang doong' nataks hola ni!

Or if you don't have them experience, then watch them 'Pirates of the Caribbean' hola ni!

We are exporting them unskilled labor and our folks are getting exploited not only by our manpower agencies but them so-called contractors in them foreign lands as well!

My sister's nanny ko boyfriend is in Saudi Arabia. It's been four months and he has been working 12 hours a day and he doesn't know when he's going to get paid rey! They promised him 8 hours work per day and like NRs 15,000 a month! He paid Rs 76,340.33 to go to the promised land... kay garney Nepal ma uha lay 5,000 bhanda badi talab pauney kaam paa-ye-nuh!

But he did win them 1 lakh from them 'Coke' ko 'bumper upahar'.. and I did tell him.. 'Man, you are a lucky bastard (in a good way!) and I think if he was here.. he would be dialing them '9090' for them NCell ko 'bumper' prizes! He would have won a bike sike hola ahiley samma! Usko samjhana ma mailey pani '9090' khoob haani raachoo .. hahah!

I do hope he comes back with something when his so-called contract is over! But yestai ho hai.. New Nepal ma! While them netas and their chamchas are riding in them SUVs and busy in them jagga ko plotting slotting business... our young folks are selling their land sand or taking them loans soans and going to them foreign lands so that they can make a little more money than here ni!

I think they would get a little better treatment, pay and facilities if they knew them language well and our government should make sure that them manpower agencies do teach our folks them 'desh ko bhasa' before sending them kya!

Wishful thinking ki kay bhanchan ni... our government can't even touch them Micro-Bus Wallahs or our Vegetable-wallahs .. bus fares go up every quarter, vegetable prices ko tuh koora nai naw-garoom... why the hell do we need a government if they can't do anything for the people... hoinuh ruh?

So.. I guess we should learn from them people in Libya... tyeha ko koon chahi sahar ho... public lay aafai kabja garyo rey and they are running themselves rey! Abuh yesari nai aaf-no commuity aa-fai cha-lau ho daju-bhai didi-bahini haroo!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Express Service...

We have to thank our Ministry of Foreign Affairs for them MRPs (Machine Readable Passports) .. now we are a part of them 'civilized world' kyaaruh! No more funny looks from them 'immigration' folks at them airports all around the world!

And we have to thank them organizers for bringing Bryan Adams to Kathmandu and now we are a part of them 'make some $$$ for them foreign artists' world ni! And thank you ... to our Nepali Rock-Stars and them band sand for performing for free or not being able to perform and not complaining about being asked to sit behind them stage and doing it all .. voluntarily without getting paid a cent!

I think all of you know by now that the new 'pissing' ground for our great men of Nepal .. .chahi them Ministry of Foreign Affairs ko wall swall nai ho! The Royal Soyal Palace is the new 'Zoo' ... and if you pay Rs 5,000 then you will have to wait a month but if you want them 'Express Service' then you have to cough up another 5,000 more rey!

Nothing wrong with charging us for them 'premium' service hola ni but if it only benefits them hakim sahebs at them 'Passport Section' and whoever them 'foreign' mantri is .. then what good is it .. hoinuh ruh?

And our great Supreme Court has now given them go ahead to PADT to sell tickets for 'quick access' to Pashupatinath main shrine rey .. and no it's not them short form of them Pad-Thai stuff ni feri!

And why does PADT [Pashupati Area Development Trust] want to sell them tickets (priced @ NRs 1,000)? It will help them old and disabled folks and even Indians rey... because it's quite hard for them to stand in line during them festivals rey! Oh! Shivaratri is coming... tyam for them Indians and the 'Grass-Club' members to hang out @ Pashupati ni!

I think instead of charging them 'Bryan Adams' ko concert ticket ko price jastai.. our old and disabled folks should get quicker access for FREE.. hoinuh ruh? And what about them Indians... well, with all due respect to the Desis and yes, we all love Bipasha Basu and Salman's sister-in-law .. but they are the new 'Superpower' duperpower hoinuh ruh.. Charge them like IRs 1,000 ni baroo!

And wouldn't it be great if we also had them 'Express Service' @ NEA, NTC and NOC and nearly every other so-called government offices! Well, we already do kyaaruh! Heheh.. it's called 'chiya kharcha' ni!

But seriously.... if we paid like Rs 20,000 a month.. then can we get like 24hrs electricty and maybe faster Youtube uploads if we paid like Rs 5,000 and maybe extra Rs 20 for each litre of petrol for them 'Express Service' instead of buying it with a 50% markup in them black market?

Heheh... at the end of the day, all them 'Express Service' fees will go into them greasy pockets of our great civil servants and them minister for this and that ni!

Hope one day... we can also have them 'Express Service' for our new constitution hola ni! Why don't we all get together and pitch in Rs 1,000 and collect ... like.. 3,000 crores and make them big-arse 'note-garland' and do a fool-maala ceremony for our great netas and their chamchas!

And then what? Hope they get the hell out of our country and live like them 'Maharajas' in India ni and let us all live in peace baroo!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Follow The Money....

Well, looks like our brother from Maharajgunj is in the news again! Chakre Milan Dai is in jail but his gang sang is still raking in the moolah ni! They were asking for 2 crores from some builder and when he refused... they gave him a discount rey.. 50% but even then he was like.. 'I ain't paying shit!' ...

And then what? They tried to burn a guy, sleeping inside them 'maato khanney' machine .. kay bancha ni .. tyo 'excavator' sexcavator.. I have no idea what 'sexcavator' looks like .. hehe!

So.. to all our brothers, working in them construction sonstruction... don't sleep inside them 'thulo' machine sachine... never know when them goondas come and try to warm up the place kya!

Every day.. we see them 'big' buildings popping out from nowhere! And then there is money to be made.. ni! The local dons will ask for them 'points' ... as in the case of our Chakre gang, it was 15% rey!

But we have to give it to our so-called criminal gangs and them armed outfits and them YCL and Youth Force-wallahs! I think all of them did take them 'Negotiation' and 'Conflict Resolution' courses conducted by our European Union folks hola ni!

Yes, them EU folks are busy throwing away millions of dollars in them so-called 'Peace Building' and what not nataks! And the funny thing is .. them dollars go to them same folks who are busy with them 'piece by piece' looting nataks!

So what happens when them gang sang gets them crores of 'hafta' .. it travels all around Kathmandu Valley rey! Them local police station gets some, then the Metropolitan Police Commissioners get their share and even the YCL get a piece of the pie rey!

Well, Chakre Dai is in them 'Youth Force' but he also has to make them YCL happy because he knows very well that YCLs are very good at 'hit & run' ni feri!

And in them Casinos.. we have so-called 'money lenders' ... folks hanging out to give them 'gamblers' some quick loan for like 100% interest ... and do you know them main investors in this 'Casino Loan' nataks?

Well, it's our own Nepal Police ko senior officers ni! Hahah.. and if the 'gambler' can't pay off them loan soan then he gets picked by them goondas and gets his arse kicked and he can't go to the cops because them cops ... are behind every 'nataunki' nataks ni!

We hear stories about how them local politicians and them police-wallahs are making money in them border areas by collecting them 'pocket money' from them smugglers! Everybody is making money... except us hola ni!

Every tyam .. there is them 'tender sender' for them public projects... we have like 2-3 gangs, armed and hungry and the cops are like just standing outside smoking and drinking doodh-chiya! And no matter who wins them 'contract' , he then has to pay off everyone ani... how can we expect the contractor to build them better roads or bridges or whatever ni?

And all them 'extortion' racketeers are all paying off them political parties and our netas and their chamchas don't care... as long as they make some money ... doesn't matter where it came from.. as long as them 'gift' sift keeps on coming rey!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Dil Toh Baccha Hai Ji....

Madhur Bhandarkar's chal-chitras are always ... them 'real world' wallah and I was really excited when I heard about his first ever.. Rom-Com (Romantic Comedy rey heheh!) movie ... 'Dil Toh Baccha Hai Ji'.

His previous stuff haroo chai: Fashion, Jail, Traffic Signal, Corporate, Page 3 and all-tyam best.. tuh ... 'Chandni Bar' nai ho!

And even if you don't like them Bollywood movies.. Bhandarkar's movies should be in your top 10 list (Bollywood) if you ever decide to throw away your janai and eat Beef Seef! Double Whopper.. yummy ni!

Okay.. let's get back to our movie sovie review! Them movie is about three men .. yes, it's always good to have them 'three musketeers' -type movies .. much easier to make up stuff than just having one guy doing all the work ... hoinuh ruh?

Ajay Devgan, our 'action-hero' during them 90s, now doing 'romantic' nataks is a banker, and getting divorced from his 'TV journalist' wife and what not! A beautiful intern shows up and the story begins... and when it comes to them beautiful hero-nis... in Bollywood, they have to be either Parsis or Christians or both!

Then we have our 'Serial-Kisser' , Emraan Hashmi who made it big by doing them 'Bhatt' movies by showing us all... what a 14 year old horny school boy can do! Hehehe! Hashmi plays ... as he always does.. a playboy and he's a trainer @ them gym sym and likes to give 'special' training to them opposite sex rey!

Hashmi gets to have fun with a former Miss India (movie maa ni!) and them trophy wife of some millionaire rey! C'mon.. them India ma tuh even them MPs are crore-patis... should have been the wife of Ambani or something! Abuh Billions ko khel ma .. millions?

And then he gets ziggy-wiggy with the former Miss India's step-daughter and lau.. what is happening? Hashmi lay tyesto garla ruh? He would have like ... opened his own gyms syms all over Mumbai, funded by the 'Cougar' lady ni baroo!

And our last musketeer chahi, them 'Balatkaar' guy from 3 idiots! He is them guy who has never fallen in love and still waiting for 'Madhuri'-type ladki to sweep him off his feet seet or something like that!

Ajay Devgan goes back to his late baba-amma ko ghar and decides to rent out them rooms... Hashmi and the 'Virgin' guy become them paying guests and the natak begins!

It's a good movie... except for few 'unnecessary' jokes here and there. Bhandarkar should have stuck to his formula.. make it as realistic as possible rather than going for them 'Bollywood' masala ni!

When you have Hashmi in your movie, then you have to make full use of his 'kung fu' skills! I mean.. this is the guy who has ... like .. kissed 173 times in a 120 minutes ko movie ni! So.. every tyam Hasmi is on.. just make him kiss till the screen gets all saliva-fied kya!

Ajay Devgan may try to do his 'comedy' part but he is them 'action' guy ni! So ... make him punch few local goondas here and there. Even in them comedy movies, we need some fight sight.. maybe them Jackie Chan type action-saction!

And the 'Balatkaar' guy from 3 idiots.. is too good to be true! He is getting run over by this woman.. who wants to be a 'Bollywood star' and makes him pay all them drinks dekhi portfolio ko bill sill! C'mon.. if the woman was so 'paisa-sucking' vampire-ni then she would have gotten herself some NRI or local business-wallah ni!

And at the end, them ladies leave our 3 idiots and they are off to Goa... ani Airport ma they meet 3 ladies.. uni haroo sanguh milney and maybe... can then extend it to Part 2 hola .. but the movie did okay business .. so we won't have them sequels like GolMaal and Dhoom and what not!

I give this movie ... C+ because I expected more from Bhandarkar... maybe he should have just had Ajay Devgan and did his two hour story on how Devgan falls in love with a 23 year old and at the end of the day... he realizes that he is just a grumpy old man and will have to spend them rest of his life ... singing bhajan somewhere in Varanasi.. I don't know.. something like that kya!

BTW.. Ajay Devgan is now 'Devgn' rey... as them Bollywood folks and their 'guru-jis' .. so now .. how do we pronounce his last name? Just go with them initials ni baroo.. like .. here comes AD!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Here We Go Again....

Sushil Koirala, them NC (Nepali Congress) President is walking around with a 22-kg fool-maala around his 'chicken' neck... our New PM Jhallu Baba is busy doing the 'ribbon-cutting' natak @ them Kantipur Publication ko 18th anniversary circus act maa and our great 3 Idiots from the Mao Inc. ... Prachandey, Dr. BRB and Rambo (Mohan Baidya) are doing their share @ them training sraining program in Biratnagar!

Thank God... at least our netas are not like Mayawati from India (maathi ko picture sicture) with her crores ko note-garland.. hahah!

Baroo yo sabai fool-maala ko kharcha lay euta school ko toilet soilet (restroom) bun-thyo ki?

So... this is our so-called netas haroo ko daily routine! Fool-maalas and give them 'hawatari' bha-shuns and make us them fools hola ni!

And once again... it's all about them 'gaadis' ... our great former PM, Makune has refused to hand over them gaadi he got to ride when he was them PM See-Em' rey! And Prachandey did the same thing ... so let us not expect more from these buffoons!

I think it's about tyam.. hami sabai milay-ruh .. we hang outside them netas ghar shar and ask for them 'gaadis' back! And the funny thing is .. our PM's office don't have any vehicles rey!

So.. every tyam there is a new PM, they go around asking them NEA folks to provide new vehicles! And I guess them NEA buy them new vehicles every tyam there is a new 'hydro-power' project sroject hola ni!

So... why don't we just ask NEA to buy like.. 601+ new SUVs from their so-called 'new' projects and give it to all our CA members ni! So .. even if we don't have a government, or a new constitution or no country sountry... them leaders will still have their own 'private' transportation for them 'fool-maala' ceremonies and 'jpt' bha-shuns!

And Sher B. Deuba is still riding them 'NEA' ko gaadi.. why? Last Tyam Sheroo was PM, Gyanu Uncle was 'Vishnu' , Prachandey was eating 'Daal Makhaani' in Delhi ... abuh yo 'Republic' ma pani Deuba lai gaadi?

Our netas have already made enough dough to last them saat pusta hola ni.. why do they still want to get them 'free rides' kya? Laaz Sharam Maroo-laa... I think we should all pitch in and give these arse-holes... like... them drum srum of 'Petrol or Diesel' so that NOC ko loss ali ali bhaye pani ghat-cha ki.. hahah!

And our so-called mantris are right kya! If our PM and them great leaders are busy looting then why not them mantri santris... and if our mantris are having fun then why not them sarkaari hakims?

And if our sarkaari hakims are having fun then why not them 'Section Officers' and .. then it goes all the way down to the 'Peon Seon' ni!

So... lastuh ma gayer-uh tuh hami janta nai ho... dookhaw pauney tuh! Abuh kaslay nai janta ko laagi bhaney-raw kaam gari-raachan ruh?

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Bye Bye Bryan!

So what can we learn from them 'Bryan' Dai ko concert?

1. Them Desis and Kuireys can teach us a thing or two about them 'sound & stage' nataks! Hope our 'Nepali' event management companies can do the same for our 'Nepali' concerts ni!

2. 60+ CCTVs rey .. ani 5,000+ Cops... I hope our Nepal Police learned them stuff about security etiyaadi hola ni! So... hope our so-called Police Commissioners will now have them brain srain to install them CCTVs in all them electric poles all around the Valley ... and if 5,000 Cops are out on them street every day and night then Kathmandu Valley will be a lot safer for all of us hola ni!

3. I hope someday our 'Nepali' stars will be able to charge as much as Bryan Dai did ... and we would like pay $$$ to watch them perform hola! But of course... when you only charge Rs 100 and let everybody enter the venue with water bottles, rocks and scissors and papers then them artists will get some of it as well ni! So .. jack up the ticket price and you will have less daang doong hoinuh tuh?

4. I have nothing against Bryan Dai... (used to listen to them songs back in them 90s) but can we stop saying stuff like.. 'Now, we are part of them civilized world sworld' or 'Now, all them international stars will perform here and will be a great boost soost to our economy and show the world that there is no trouble in Little Kathmandu' ... and 'We are as modern as Modern-Talking and look at my Loo-e-voo-toon byag syag' or something like that!

Yes, Bryan Dai came, sang and left... good for him and good for all them friends who enjoyed it but please... if somebody doesn't like Bryan Dai and doesn't want to watch his concert and want to bitch about it .. then nothing to be pissed off at!

97.2% of all them people I know in Kathmandu Valley .. were there and they had fun rey.. but 2.8% sent me SMS like... 'bitch all you can .. bitch!' .. first of all, I am not your bitch and I will now tell your wives that them ladies you hang out with .. during them Friday nights are not fellow bankers but your 'other' women kya!

Ani hay-room nuh kasari ghar jaanchas saaley haroo! Them Joans of Arcs will roast your balls and feed it to your dog sog ni!

5. And I was just curious about them 'lucky banker' ... Ms. Singh! Lucky 'random' pick or pre-selected pahila nai.. hahah! But what would have happened .. if Bryan Dai had picked some woman and she had never heard of him ni! Like.. he keeps on singing and she doesn't know what to do.. she does them 'Hip Hop' grind srind moves.. hahah!

But Bryan Dai... why only women kya? I think them 'Nepali' men would have done a great job as well hola taruh .. then it would look like 'Blue Diamond' is sponsoring some 'Duet' contest .. heheh! With due respect to them '3rd Rock' Wallahs.... didn't mean to offend them feri!

Anyways.. can't keep on making fun of 'Bryan' Dai... forever.. will have to go back to 'jpt' guff tomorrow... but I am still pissed @ them organizers for not inviting 'Sabin Rai' to perform ..... Sabin Rai is the greatest Rock-Star ... he makes them ladies go crazy rey.. heheh!

Why should I be pissed off ni.. never wanted to go .. didn't go (even though my banker friends from BOK wanted to give me them '6k' ko pass sass!) ... I should have taken it and sold it black slack ma for like 3K ... and then have like 2 plates of Vyar Vyar Mo:Mo for the next 50 days .. hahaha!

But of course.. it's one of a kind experience for folks who have never been to them 'kuirey pop star' concert .. and I can understand! But if them 'Hip-Hop' / Rap Sap-wallahs ever come to KTM.. then don't waste your money!

Even if Snoop Dog or Eminem show up here for some 'LIVE' naatak .. tyes ma tuh they sound worse than them donkeys but I really want 'Jack Black' to visit Kathmandu and do some 'geet seet' .. I don't know... but if he only does one or two song from the 'School of Rock' .. I bet I can sell like 25,000 tickets especially to my cousins and cousin-nis ... who really like Black!

Abuh pricing ma chahi.. I would go for like.. 2,000.00 for them football ground ma and 1,000 for them cementi-wallahs! Okay.. let's get ready.. invite Jack Black and hope we can raise some money for them schools in them villages!

I wish them organizers did set aside some money for them needy people ni! After all we all have our gau sau .. somewhere in them Hills and Terai and it's always good to give back to where we really came from.. or where your ba , bajey or bajey ko bajai came from .. ni!

Well, if you were here in Kathmandu since them 16th century then ... them Kathmandu is your village ni.. go clean Bagmati, renovate them temple semple and squares etiyaadi!

So.. what say you? For hard-core 'Jack Black' fans.. Tenacious D will rock you and for others.. we will even give you them Rs 30 ko 'School of Rock' DVD as you enter them stadium.. and don't worry.. you can throw them water bottles @ Jack.. he doesn't mind rey.. hahah!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Democracy Day....

Happy (61st) Democracy Day.... everyone! Heheh... nothing but a big joke ehhh! Wow... it's been 61 years since them 'Ranas' officially left them buildings and we have had our share of 'Shahs' , them Pancheys, 'Koiralas' and now... we have seen them 'Communists' ... abuh what's next?

I didn't know they had them 'free tickets' for our great Canadian hero, Bryan Adams! Well, I wouldn't have gone either way .. had to attend my saathi ko bhai ko 'wedding party' .. and it was fun .. watching them 'old folks' dance to 'Sheila ki Jawani' and 'Zor ka Zhatka' .. hahah!

A friend of mine works in them 'telecom' industry... and he was telling me.. he once offered then Minister of Information Sin-formation, Mr. Shankar Pokharel .. like.. Rs 2 crores rey ! The Minister wanted them money soney before signing them papers rey! Then of course... we have a new government.. so my friend saved Rs 2 crores hola ni!

That's how it is in Nepal. A former Army General once paid Sujata Koirala Rs 5 crores for some work swork. And even before them work started Sujata was out of them 'mantri mandal' ... abuh kaslai paisa maagney? Heheh.. no receipt ni... ani 'under the table' transaction ma abuh kay Supreme Court dhau-ney .. hahah!

Another friend of mine was asked to nicely donate Rs 50 lakhs to them Maoists ... and no .. it didn't happen during them 'insurgency days'... this natak was like six months ago ni! And after he paid off them Maoists.... they congratulated him for helping them and if he needed any favors.. he should not hesitate to give them a call rey! Abuh bhaako sampati sabai looti halyo abuh kay ko favor maagney ni?

I don't like them wedding parties but it's always nice to catch with them 'businessmen' friends and hear their stories! Them folks are surviving... but the government doesn't have any funds.. its only them political parties who are making billions of Rupees.. and why don't they build them highways and collect their own taxes ni.. instead of just wasting them 'chanda' on hawa-taari demonstrations and nautanki 'party training' nataks!

And my NRN friends ask me.. 'Ani Bro... any new business opportunities?' ... and I say 'No, just save your money and do nothing kya' ... because if you start something new and it really picks up then you will have all kinds of folks coming to your office , asking you for them 'donations' and you have no option but to pay or else.. face them 'bhautik karwai' and you are lucky if you only get your arse kicked ni!

This is the 'New Nepal' .... 'Goonda Raj' bhanchan ni! I do have them business ideas but mine won't make any money soney .. hehe! I am seriously thinking of making a 'low-budget' Rajnikanth ko movie sovie ko copy ni!

So.. if you are interested to buy them shares (NRs 1,000 a pop)... do contact me @! Hahah... I hope our so-called 'Kollywood' crowd don't watch them 'Tamil Movies' .. or else I am @#$!ed hola ni! I really want some Nepali 'hero' to kick like 100 arses and dance like 'Prabhu Deva'... haha!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Terms & Conditions....

Republica is my favorite Angrezi newspaper and Bryan Adams was cool when I was 13 ... nowadays I listen to ... South Indian.. Tamil Filmi soundtracks.. so I am waiting for Rajnikanth and his dancing troupe to do some 'chamatkar' in Kathmandu soon! Heheh!

Bryan Adams will be rocking Kathmandu ko 'bold & beautiful' tomorrow night... and here are them terms & conditions (as published in Republica!)

1. This ticket will only admit one.

Doh! We know.. kya.. this is not some 'Model Sodel show' in some bar @ Thamel where people either crash through the window or throw them tickets back at their buddies! So.. if a Siamese twin shows up at the gate.. then what shall we do? Cut them in half and ask the other fellow to get another ticket ki kya ho?

2. Entry on first come first serve basis.

So if I come last.. then what do I get? There must be a prize for that kind of stuff pani... hoinuh ruh? Talking about First In .. I remember my Accounting class slass.. First in First Out (FiFo) or Last in Last Out (LiLo).. I have no idea what I am talking about....

3. No professional cameras are allowed.

So my friend, even though she is not a professional photographer can't take her SLR and will have to use them 'dingy' digital shit ( I use one!) ... but I hear .. she already forgot how to use them rey!

4. Please note that any kinds of bags, sharp objects, weapons, explosives, flammable items and alcohol are strictly forbidden inside the venue.

Dammit! My friend was planning to take his tent sent, khukhuri, some RDX , big arse lighter sighter and a jerkin of local 'Kodo' ... now he will have to go in ... just wearing his Red T-shirt and half-pyant because .. no water in his house rey and dhobi has eloped with the local butcher's 'hwat' daughter!

5. The refund of the tickets is (are) only subjected to cancellation of the event.

Yes.. them Delhi show was canceled and our Desis are probably planning some kind of them 'Egyptian' rally to get their money back rey! But of course ni... if the show is canceled then you get your money back but what if there is them lightning sightning and hits Bryan in the arse .. then what?

6. Re-entry not allowed.

So once you are in .. you are in... if your house is on fire you are screwed! You either run out and save your sampati .. but it's no use hola because our so-called fire engines won't have water swater... so might well stay in and listen to Bryan croak! After all.. buda is already 50+ ni... unless he eats like a bora of 'Halls'... hehe!

7. Gate(s) open at 2:00pm.

Okay... thanks... eat some daal bhaat masu (sanibaarey khana!) and then head straight to Rangasala... and just lay around in them grass srass (if you have them $$$ tickets!) or bring some cushion sushion if you are up there.. in them cementi-seats!

8. Entry closes at 5:30pm.

Okay... if you don't get in by 5:30pm then you are out.. .buddy or buddy-ni! No, complaining about them traffic sraffic won't help! But do you get your money back? It's not mentioned kyaaruh! So .. if you are one of them 'Nepali Tyam' crowd then better get there on tyam ni!

9. Please retain the ticket throughout the event.

Why? Is Bryan Adams going to call out them 'lucky number' and invite someone on stage to sing with him. If that's so .. then great! And if them Nepal Police are doing a surprise check and you don't have the tickets... you might get one 'free Bamboo Stick' haaning on your dhaad hola ni!

10. Ticket price inclusive of taxes.

Yes.... finally someone is paying them taxes hola ni! Good job guys! I hope our government will be able to balance them budget sudget from them taxes!

11. Parking of your vehicle during the event will be at your own risk.

This is 'New' Nepal where nobody is willing to take any responsibility ni! A friend of mine went to this wedding @ Yak & Yeti and lost his bike! Them Y&Y staff said 'Sorry, we no responsiblo.. you go away and cry outside...' so... them parking spots chahi .. Khula Manch, VS Niketan High School and some football ground somewhere rey... so all our 'rich' gaadi-wallah folks .... if somebody steals your SUV then you will probably see it being driven around by some Mao-baadi neta.. hahaha!

12. In case of any accident leading to death, organizers will not be held liable or responsible in any way whatsoever.

What? So .. if them stage explodes and Bryan Adams is like hurled off the stage by them explosion and lands on a 'fat Marwaari' businessman and then the businessman's stomach explodes.. who is responsible? Aagan Restaurant?

13. Rights of admission reserved.

What? Some jagga-dalaal pays Rs 6,000.00 (and he has never heard of Bryan Dai!) and wears his 'Govinda' eestyle looga.. so are you guys going to turn him away? A Nepali man once went to New York back in them days when 'Studio 54' was rocking. He was wearing a 'Daura Surwal' and then he just stood in line.. (didn't know what it was for!) .. then them doormen just grabbed him in and he had fun doing 'coke' and making out with Mick Jagger's then boodi rey!

Heheh.. what's my point? Nothing! If some guy wants to dress up as 'Spider Man' and he has his so-called 'specially designed holo-grammi-fied' tickets then why stop him ni!

14. Children below 3 years are not allowed.

First of all, even 20 year olds weren't even born when Bryan Dai was a Rock-Star! So.. why would anyone want to bring them 'KG crowd' ... I say.. ban all them teenagers as well... let them spend their money @ them malls ni!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Look at our Politicians...

Mr. Kishunji, former Prime-Monster and also the last surviving member of the boy band, ... 'The Kangaroos' aka Nepali Congress is stable but in critical condition rey.. according to our 'Norvic Hospital' folks!

Kishujni promised us them water swater from Melamchi twenty years ago .. and hope he doesn't die soon because once we get them paani saani.. we want him to do the ud-ghaa-ton by ... taking the first 'shower' hola ni!

And Mr. Rabindra Shrestha, former Maoist leader (then joined them UMLs) and also them mantri in our last goverment is AWOL rey and the UML ... decided to expel him from the party because he seems to have celebrated Valentine's day by eloping with a 22-year old rey!

According to the Unidentified Moronic Losers (UML), they have expelled him for 'immoral behavior' rey... then them Italian 'Sugar Daddy' and Prime Minister, Mr. Silvio Berlusconi
ko behavior lai kay bhanney ho... the guy is going to trial for paying some 17 year old to give him some 'Zor ka Zhatka' rey!

We do have a Prime-Monster but no mini-sinisters. Nepal Police is very happy rey because since we still don't have a 'Home Minister' ... they are not getting calls from them netas ... like.. to release them goondas rey!

But our Nepal Police is worried .. because them Maoists want them 'Home Ministry' and they feel like they won't get a piece of the loot when our YCL folks are busy with the 'tender sender' and other 'extortion' nataks!

Them CA Chairman... Mr. Subash NameBang is now a Karate Don! Abuh tuh... don't mess with him or you might get some flank kick up your arse hola ni! When the Maoists roughed up then Finance Minister , Mr. NameBang was accused of just sitting on his chair and farting rey!

So .. come May.. when we don't have our constitution ready and the Maoist organizing some kind of a 'BBQ' party inside them CA Hall but no worries luh.. NamBang, who received some kind of a Karate Diploma (First Dan) from some Karate Association, will be there to kick some arse hola ni!

And.. our great Chairman, Prachandey has asked his cadres to 'be prepared for some daang doong' rey! Last May ko 'nautanki' fizzled even before Snoop Dog said "Fo' Shizzle My Nizzle".. it failed like Bush's 'Shock & Awe' natak in Iraq! So.. I guess we should expect more 'dhamaka' this May hola ni!

And if the Maoists do get them 'Home Ministry' then... they won't have to order them 'extra' bamboo sticks hola! They can just ask the Police-Wallahs to stay home while our YCL folks wear them 'Police ko Helmet' and do some dandi-ya with their 'Bamboo Sticks' hola ni!

So... this May... make sure your water tankie is full, and order like 20 boxes of them so-called 'drinking water' and another 20 of them 'Wai Wai' ... so then we can have some 'Wai Wai Sadheko' party while them Maoists do their thing on the street!

And thank you Bryan.. you will always be remembered as the 'First' kuirey rock-star to do his thing here in Kathmandu!

And I am saving my money soney and sending it to some school in Dolpa and hope one day.. them kid from Dolpa will visit Canada and and make US $200,000 (like Bryan Dai will do here!) and bring it back to Nepal ni!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Stressful Living....

Them Amrikan Life-Coaches say 'Your stressful life may be created by yourself...' rey but we live in this great country.. where our politicians have done us a favor by doing all the hard work .. creating a Stressful Life for all of us ni!

Yes, let us not bitch and whine about them 'load shedding' nataks.. we are probably used to 'no electricity' thanks to NEA (No Electricity Authority) and them NEA hakim sahebs who are busy giving them government vehicles to our great leaders!

Free vehicle, free fuel but no 'FREE'.. electricity.. hehe .. that one they can't provide even if you are willing to pay a million dollars per month ni! But Baluwatar and Shital Niwas do get.. 24x7 electricity because our President and PM have to update their FB status every minute rey!

Yes, we have them rivers shivers and we do have our own 'Nepali' investors willing to risk their money soney in them hydro-projects but the problem is with the NEA.

They either refuse to buy them electricity or offer a deal which doesn't make sense to the folks who are investing their dough in them projects! But if you are them Amriki or foreign companies then you can kick the NEA arse and get more than NEA can afford to pay ni!

Our leaders aren't worried at all! All they want is to be them mantri santri, get free housing, vehicles and they don' t have to worry about 'batti' or 'paani' because we fund their 'free living' ni!

And let's talk about them water swater! Yes, we are aware that 10 years ago.... there weren't even a million folks in Kathmandu Valley and now it's like ... 5+ million rey! And now we get them 'paani' in our taps saps ... like once every three days and if that tyam happens to be the 'No Electricity' hour then you are @#$!ed ni!

It's been three days since I took them shower .. and I am probably stinking hola ... and mero looga-sooga tuh .. hehehe.. I think I will need to start wearing some kind of a disposable looga sooga soon (I hope them Japanese have already come up with some shit like that!)....

It's been raining since this morning.. and I hear it's not going to stop till Friday rey! Heheh.. and them 'Bryan Adams' concert organizers are worried rey! Then I met a friend of a friend (organizers!) and we both checked them '' thing.. come Saturday, Bryan Adams won't need to worry about 'dancing in the rain' ..

So Thank God... Bryan will go back home with US$ 200,000 in his suitcase .... and hope our Nepali folks (them folks who bought them ticket sicket!) can then brag about it until another Kuire celebrity comes to town!

And folks ... don't worry... them 'Delhi' Show was canceled because Delhi Police were afraid that they couldn't provide security or something like that! Bryan is coming to Kathmandu and our Nepal Police is ready .. with their bamboo sticks rey!

And them organizers should ask Nepal Police.. not to do them 'laathi-charge' as they do in them concerts here and there! Our Men in Blue are.. very happy to attack Kathmanduites whenever they get a chance ni! Or we can follow the 'Maoist' formula.. get one bamboo stick for yourself and don't forget to wear a helmet as well!

Don't carry them backpacks, no cameras, no water bottles, no beer bottles and please.. don't bring any explosives like socket bomb, pressure cooker bomb or even Aloo Bomb (patekas!) or else you will get one bamboo stick on your dhaad!

I was at them Chiya Pasal this morning ... and the conversation was about 'Bryan Adams' ... a taxi driver was like 'Kuirey ko geet soo-noo lai 6,000 Rupees' .. Nepali haroo ko paisa dhoti lay tuh lootyo lootyo abuh Kuire lay pani baaki naw-chod-nay bhayo! Heheh!

And the other guy was like .. 'Tyehi tuh bhanya.. Nepali kalakaar lai tuh bottle ruh dhoonga haanchan.. taruh yetro paisa tirey pachi .. bottle haaney manchey haroo tuh audainuh hola ni'

I finished my two sell-rotis, two andaas, one chana tarkari and ek cup doodh-chiya and then as usual.. them 'politics solitics' guff began!

'Ye KP Oli chor lai tuh Baluwatar ma Chir-naw diye-naw-cha ni'

Our leaders are a funny bunch. Them PM residence has become like a local bhatti ki kya ho! Why are our leaders visiting the Prime-Monster @ 9 in the evening.. for some peg seg!

The security staff just wanted to do some checking rey and Mr. KP Oli , former Home Minister (Bidya Bhandari's lover as well) was like... '@#$! that' .. I am Oli and people are scared of my Bo-Li.. and why are you checking me out.. I am not here to play some Holi .. .rey'

KP Oli lai PM ko security lay salute pani garyo rey.. ani vitra chir-daa yeso ek-dui minute kay dhilo bhaathyo... he got pissed and left rey!

Our PM, Jhallu Baba.. is having a tough tyam.. and it's the same story with our politicians.. you don't need them 'foreign hands' to @#$! us .. when our leaders are busy back-stabbing each other ... but they really do care about this 'load shedding' problem ni...

Yes.. they do.. every tyam there is a new government.. they promise us like .. 'no load shedding' within 5 year and like 40,000 MW rey.... but our leaders are always good at promising us the moon... but then at the end of the day.. they just 'moon' us and make some moolah on the side and then we are left to face the music ni!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

NGOs (No Good Organizations?)

According to our dailies, more than 32,000 NGOs and 250 INGOs in Nepal rey! Baaf rey baaf... kati dherai ho NGO haroo!

And only 7,000 NGOs are working in some field sield rey whereas only 50 INGOs are doing whatever they think they are doing rey!

And them casinos in Kathamndu Valley still not shut down rey because we still don't have them 'Tourism Mantri' rey!

This is Nepal.... more than 7,000 taxis in the Valley and only ... like .. two people working in them 'taxi meter checking' department! Casinos been here since the 60s and so far no regulation to monitor them .. ani I don't think there is even a department to monitor our NGOs and INGOs ko activity sactivity!

I have always been anti 'Foreign-Aid' but I have come to realize that we do need them 'bideshi paisa' or else we are @#%!ed!

Tomorrow, if we shut down all them INGOs and NGOs then half a million people in this country will be out of their so-called jobs ni!

Not all Cops are bad sad and not all them priests are pedophiles bhanya jastai .. not all them INGOs and NGOs are 'dollar khetis' ni!

UMN (United Mission to Nepal) should be given some credit sredit... them Patan Hospital and other rural hospitals ruh gau ghar tiruh nikkai dherai project sorject ma help selp garya chan!

Aroo INGO haroo tuh tyestai ho.. them Germans, Japanese ruh Swiss haroo lay pani Nepal lai nikkai help garya chan ... and if it weren't for them 'Scandinavian' INGOs then Gurukul would have closed down shop years ago and Photo Circle would still be @ Bakery Cafe.. heheh!

Yes, we have some NGOs where the whole family represents the Board and get paid 'mucho dinero' for nothing but then.. we have to congratulate them for their 'fundraising' efforts ni.. hoinuh ruh?

Our politicians get their 'money' from the Desis and them EU nations so that they can fight with each other and push our country towards the 'Stone Age' ... and nothing wrong with NGOs getting funding from somewhere else... but do some work please!

Talking about 'Stone Age'.. I am not complaining.. I love them BBQs and dressing up like 'Rauteys' .. so all's good for me ni!

If the Maoists were really into 'Desh Bikash' then they wouldn't be reading 'Mahabharat' to get new 'rajniti' ideas and them PLA would be working in them rural areas helping them people hola ni!

We hear stories about them 'Children Homes' where them founder drives around in SUVs and them children get only 'Daal Bhat' and maybe 'a piece of Chicken' on Saturdays.. but then there are 10 other homes where Children do get them care they really need!

And talking about UMN, them Hospital in Palpa, Okhaldhunga are run by them folks and they are doing a great job... Patan Hospital used to be the best .. still is but not that good now.. since them UMN handed it over to our government rey!

And our great Comrade, Prachandey did work for one of them rural projecs funded by USAID back in them days kyaaruh!

But ... we can't really go on like this ni... UMN has been here since 1954 and them 'foreign doctors' are helping our people in them hospitals in Tansen, Okhaldhunga and Patan and nearly everywhere nai hola! Ek Din... (and not Ek Raat!) hami lay afno ghar tuh afai lay safa garnoo paryo ni .. hoinuh ruh?

What about us? A 24 year old Amrikan lady is helping to run a school ... afnai paisa ley.. and our government just gave her them 'resident' visa sisa ... Euta 70 year old farmer sold his land and donated it to some school rey.. and Patan Hospital ko medical school ma chahi .. you have to work in the rural areas if you want to finish your MBBS rey.. so it's a good start!

I have nothing against Amrikans and the lady is doing a good job .. taruh pani... I think she could more for her own 'inner-city' school kids in Amrika hoinuh ruh? Or maybe Princess Himani can do more for them schools in our villages instead of just giving out drinking water-pipes or blanket slankets!

There are nearly 10,000 NGOs in Kathmandu Valley. I guess none of them are involved in them traffic sraffic or neighborhood clean up programs hola ni! Everybody wants to save Bagmati... and so far ... them NGOs are only buying gas masks hola ni!

Khoi kay bhanney... afoo lay pani tuh khaas kehi tuh garya chaina .. so aroo haroo lai pani kinnuh gaali garney hoinuh ruh?

Don't worry.. if you haven't built them schools or helped the underprivileged and the needy or didn't teach them villagers how to use 'Facebook' when you were trekking somewhere.. you can still do your share .. by NOT littering, spitting or pissing (if you are one of them great 'pisser-men' of KTM) on them streets kya!

And if them bike-wallahs are riding on them pavements then please do smack them, slap them 'Formula One' racing drivers and if somebody throws them trash baato maa.. then follow him or her home and hurl a bora of fohor uskai ghar vitra... heheh! What am I saying? I must be on crack hola!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Be My Valentine.....

Them Anti-Valentine network says .. 'Uprooted plantlife and sugar-saturated caffeinated fat blocks? .. You shouldn't have.. " rey!

Them 'fool pasal' (flower shop) .... are making tons of Rupees today! According to our sources, them Kathmandu ko flower shop will sell more than 5 crores (kaw-roads!) worth of flowers today! Ho ruh... heheh.. and talking about Chocolates.. hehe.. 'Dairy Milk' is the #1 as always rey!

We are Nepalis... we celebrate Xmas, Valentine's Day... like crazy and some day.. don't be surprised if we are all celebrating, St. Patrick's Day, dressed all in green and doing them 'River Dance' moves.. hahah!

Nothing wrong with them "Red Roses" and them boxes of 'Chocolates' ... and them Candle-Light dinner sinner ni!

If you pay like Rs 9,999.00 @ Gokarna Resort then you and your 'Khaas' saathi will get a room for a night and them 'Bottle of Wine' Swine.. Candle-Light Dinner Sinner and here's the .. most interesting offer of the year... you get 'One Free Mineral Water per person per night' rey.. hahah !

No, I am not making this up..just go through them dailies today... all them restoorants haroo ko Ad .. for 'Valentine's Day' ... thank them 'raksi saksi' companies.. for sponsoring them ads kyaruh!

And most of them bar sars are offering ... like .. one shot of 'Ruslan' Vodka if you pay like Rs 700 rey! If all them love-birds are going to them bash sash then... why would single folks pay 700 for a shot of vodka to see 'couples' making out ni?

Or maybe.. our ''raksi" companies want our 'lovers' to drink responsibly hola ni! 'One Shot' is all you need .. when you are in lob sob hola ni...

I may be wrong... well, I am always wrong .. hahah! But the best thing to do for them Walyentine Day is to go for dinner with your family samily.. and if you have a 'Khaas' saathi and don't want your family to know .. heheh .. then go to Patan, eat some Aloo... toast each other with a jug of Chyaang and make out .... in them Durbar Square ni!

Lau tuh.. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone... our friends, family and foes and a friend of mine got engaged today.. Congrats .. now save a plant and just give me them box of chocolates please...!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Fight Club.....

Happy 'People's War Day' ... or whatever ... if you are a Maoist .. then it's always a 'good' day in Kathmandu! They now own them hospitals, banks, media companies, jagga-sagga and hope one day.. they will also invest in them 'dance sance' institutes... because every tyam.. they celebrate something.. they are always singing and dancing ni!

Yes.. them Maoists started their so-called 'fight for their right to loot, boot and shoot' on Feb 13th, 1996! It took them ten years to get 'rich' but it was worth it ... hoinuh ruh? All them taukeys are cruising around Kathmandu in them SUVs and living the good life! After all... who wants to live in them jungle sungle and eat Wai Wai forever ... ni!

Oh! I forgot.. them Mao Inc. management committee haroo tuh ... they never really lived in them jungles kyaaruh.. they were busy eating roti and sabji in India ni! Anyways.. we don't have them 'King' Sing anymore and we have them Constituent Assembly where 601 buffoons are having fun! So.. I guess Maoists did get what they want hola!

But.. Mohan Baidya is still waiting for them 'People's Revolt' kyaaruh and our Dr. BRB is waiting to be them Prime-Monster someday and Prachandey... he just wants to be the Emperor and rule forever rey!

And it's not only them Maoists... fighting with each other! Our Madeshi parties are splitting faster than atoms hola ni! If we do have them 'next' election selection.. then there will probably be ... like 36 different Madeshi parties, two Maoists , six UMLs and two Congressis and the Pancheys.. haha... they are still in the game.. ahiley samma!

And let's talk about Nepal Police... them 'private security guards' for our netas and their chamchas! Last night.. Chief of them Crime Division of Metropolitan Police nearly got wacked by his own bodyguard rey!

Both were drinking in his residence rey and then his bodyguard fired at him twice rey... but SSP Rana Bahadur Chand must have gotten his training sraining in South India or Hong Kong! Because them only people I know who can dodge them bullets sullets are Jackie Chan and Rajni Dai!

Hello.. SSP Saheb.. why are you drinking at home and that to ... with your bodyguard kya! You should go to them Dohoris and Dance Bars and hang out with them 'criminal elements' and make some money ni!

Well... next tyam.. just wear them 'bullet proof vest' if you plan to share a drink with your bodyguard hai!

And our Nepal Police in Sudan are still without them APCs or protective gears and our CIAA folks are still grilling them 'police officers' rey! Stop wasting our tyam please... we all know ... nobody is going to go to jail sail for stealing 30 corores from our 'Rastra ko Dhukuti!' and sending useless APCs to Sudan!

Rubel Choudhary made millions and so did our IGPs and Home Ministry officials... so please stop this natak... Let them have all the fun ni.. while we beat each other and fight for them 'bread' crumbs!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Walk Like An Egyptian....

After 30 years of 'having fun' .. Hosni Mubarak now wants to just lay in the sun rey! And them "Swiss' Toblerone-wallahs want to act all 'good' by telling us that they are freezing them (Swiss Banks ma bhaako) 'Mubarak' assets rey .. taruh at the end of the day.. Mubarak and his sons will still get them 'billions' ni!

Now the Egyptian Military is ... like 'We were happy making breads and sewing machines' .. how the @#$! did we get in this mess ni! Yes.. if you didn't know .. them Egyptian Army operates them bakeries, electronics pasal sasal, hotel sotel etiyaadi rey .. and they are more into them business sleaziness than getting into another 'fight' with them OR2K crowd (aka Israelis!).. heheh!

BTW, OR2K is this place in Thamel... nice veggie-place, free wi-fi .. run by them Israelis (and Nepali partners!) rey! And according to our sources, uni haroo ko side business chai 'drugs' srugs rey .. but the food is good and if you have nothing better to do .. you can drink chai and sleep all day.. so no complaining from my side... and No, I don't want them 'heroin' please.. I am good.. hahah!

But I might be wrong hai.. maybe they were talking about 'rugs' and I heard something else hola ni!

If you hang out @ OR2K.. you will meet them 'bhookka tourists' and one 'black' guy from somewhere (hitting on them 'white' women!') .. them Iranians (Yes.. Hashish please!).. and marwaari families ... because they are veggie folks but... Bhaabi jee .. this ain't no Aagan or them 'Marwaari' Veggie restoorant kya... you don't come to Thamel and complain.. sit you arse down and eat your veggies.. it's good for you kya!

Anyways.. let's get back to 'Hosni' story! Abuh... them military will no longer be baking cookies ... they will have to lead ... and the whole world is watching kyaaruh!

Them 80 million Egyptians will probably get new 'FM stations' , newspapers and TV shows .. hahah... When we had our 'Democracy' natak back in the 90s.. that's what we got.. kyaaruh!

But it's not going to be easy.... them urban-middle class will want to party till 4am, wear what they want .. while them 'Muslim Brotherhood' folks will want to go back to the 16th century, cover everything up and start them 'lashing slashing, stoning, mutilating' kyaaruh!

I think them Islamic fundamentalists would really be good at them S&M stuff hola ni! Hahaha.. abuh Egypt maa pani kun chahi lay S&M Club kholcha ani.. maybe them Muslim Brotherhood can join the club hola ni!

Them Egyptians are celebrating today.. like we did few years ago hola... but it won't be an easy task to get rid of them system of 'corruption, nepotism and 'mero bau ko sampati ho abuh loot-ism' ni....

But.. it's a good start.. them dictators and them 'Royal' Soyals in them Middle East are already worried kyaaruh... but lastuh ma gaw-yeruh... all we want is a decent place to live, 2-3 meals a day , 'batti' to watch 'American Idol' , 'paani' to drink, clean , shower etiyaadi .. hoinuh ruh?

So.. Jhallu Babu, Prachandey and the Kangaroos.... we don't give a @#$! about 'federalism' or 'them PLA integration' or even them 'new constitution' ... you can loot all you want.. just give us enough paani, 24 hr batti and sasto tarkaari... that's all kya!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Everything For Sale!

It's not only them 'ordinary' passports ... but our so-called 'Diplomatic' passports are also for sale rey! Them 'ordinary' MRPs now go for Rs 5,000 or 10,000 if you want them 'Express' service... but if you would like them 'Diplomatic' passports then please sell your jagga , ek dui khashi and what not and pay ... like Rs 16 lakhs (20,000 US$) rey!

Heheh.. and two 'stupid' people bought them and wanted to go on them 'world tour' sour... but they got caught and were sent back to Nepal rey... but our Immigration folks @ TIA were like.. 'whatever...' because they did get them 'chiya kharcha' hola ni!

That's how it is .. Hamro Nepal maaa! And them 'Diplomatic' Passports were in them names of our 'Madeshi' politicians rey... I think our Madhesi leaders are getting a bad rap .. or are they busy minting money while they can?

And our former 'Home Minister', Bhim Rawal.. the 'Rawan' has refused to hand over his 'mantri' vehicle rey! According to our so-called law saw... them public officials have to give them 'gaadi saadi' back when they are no longer ...'in service' rey!

Hahah.. yestai ho... Nepal maa.. From Prachandey to Sher B. Deuba to all them 'so-called' former mantri santris are busy using them government vehicles.... and not only that.. they even get them 'fuel and maintenance' expenses as well rey!

It's good to be a mantri santri ni! And we have to thank our public schools for producing such great leaders hola ni! So.. if you want your kids to rule Nepal someday.. then send them to some public school in Rukum! And what about Rato Bangla Sangla.. hahaha.. they will probably go to Harvard and major in "French Renaissance studies" or something like that.

So.. stop wasting your money soney and making them 'Dixits' rich sich kya! Hahah! Kunda & Kanak are already well-off... tyo Jagadamba Press lay nai poog-cha abuh tuh uni haroo lai... basi basi khaaney ani side ma patrakar banney.. heheh!

And our Supreme Court is a funny place hola... they have now ordered them 'government' to stop bitching about them 'Pashupatinath' Temple ko nataks and not to open them Temple ko 'Dhukuti' rey!

According to them 'guff-suff' ... them dhukuti hasn't been opened for the last 2,000 years rey and they contain ... them 'jewels' haroo rey! I think we should open them 'Dhukuti' .. and we will probably find like ... 'nothing' hola! Kay baaki rakh-thyo yee chor haroo lay?

Baroo.. let's open it and if we find them 'precious jewels' sewels.. then we can sell them on Ebay to pay off our foreign debt sebt... ni .. ki kaso?

This is the 'New Nepal' .. where the whole country is for sale hola! Our politicians need them dough sough for .. God Knows What.. and them Indians and Chinese businessmen are having fun with all them tender sender nataks and our local goondas and netas get them 10% on everything kyaaruh!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

TaxiCab Confession(s)...

I normally take them #14 Micro Bus ... to (R)NAC .. then #5 Tyampoo to work... but sometimes.. when late.. then I have no option but to take them taxi-cabs! And you know them taxi-wallahs... meter tampering and what not!

But sometimes.. we have them honest taxi drivers... like ... 1% out of them 7,000+ cabs cruising around Kathmandu! And I am like... 'Whaaat... we need to parade this guy around... strangle him with like Ek ton ko fool-maala and some naw-gawdh (cash) prize or something!' or make him the .. Prime Minister of Nepal!

Anyways... taxi drivers have their own guff suff! Last week... I took them cab sab from Thamel ... around 5 tiruh hola.. and the guy is ... 'Dai... meter mero bigrey cha.. milaa-yeruh dinoos hai'

Now... 'Milaa-yeruh' (dinoos) is like the 'It' word in this 'New Nepal' hola!

You ask some guy to fix your door.... and then 'How much?' ... and the answer is 'Milaa-yeruh dinoos naw'... how come the local butcher is never like that! Kukhura ko masoo Rs 220.. Khasi ko Masoo ... Rs 500... Tero Bau ko Tauko... priceless ... hola ni!

Well.. let's get back to the 'taxi drivers guff suff' ... haha!
Anyways.. I said 'bhaw-yee haalcha ni!'

And then he began his guff... 'Dai khattam cha.... duita boodi (wives) lay tension dee-yee sakyo!'

And the guy is like 22 years old and he already has two wives.... either he must be one of them 'ladies man' or he know his tricks hola ni! heheh!

And both them wives live together like sisters rey... but the biwi #2 wants to go to Dubai to work swork rey! Biwi #1 sanguh chahi 17 years ma 'lob sob' garey-ruh bhaw-ga-ye-cha bhai lay!

Then just last year... he met Biwi #2... finance company maa kaam ... paisa saisa bujhau-naw jaada.. aankha aankha lay (eye to eye!) lob-sob ... ani feri bhagaa-yeruh law-gey-cha!

And the guy was fugly..... but he was street-smart and funny.... so I guess... you can have the face of 'Johnny Lever' but if you also know some jokes-sokes (like him) then ... you can also bhaag-ing with a lady ... hola ni!

'Lau tuh bhai.. good luck... and hope your women are happy sappy as well!'

And then today... I had them meeting seating @2pm... (I love meetings!)... so got into a cab and then them guff suff soo-roo!

'Balla po tha-ha paa-ye bhai... sabai neta haroo baa-hoon po rahecha ani yo tuh sabai baa-hoon ko po khel rahecha'

Mr. Purna B. Sunuwar.... after working in Calcutta for ... like... 30 years, decided to come to Kathmandu and drive a taxi rey!

'Hoinuh dai.. you can't blame them 'Priestly Class' kya... abuh ali paw-dey lekhey ko lay gardaa dherai jaso neta haroo uni haroo ko gotra baatuh ho kya'

'Hare-noos nuh sabai Pradhan Mantri tuh baa-hoon nai hoo-do rahecha ni'

'Hoinuh dai.. we had Marich Man Singh once.... '

'Punjaabi pani!

'Hahaha.. Dai, dherai India ma bas-noo bhaye-cha... Not Punjabi kya .. Newar Sewar'

'Khoi... hamro pani kunai Din paalo aula ni'

'Dai.. hamro paalo auney jel samma tuh desh nai hood-ai naw.. hahaha'

Anyways... we then talked about them 'political assassinations' .. no I am not planning to ... heheh but Purna Dai is them 'foreign affairs' analyst jasto....'Sudan ma tuh tyo mantri lai aaf-nai guard lay pawd-kai dey cha ni'

'Ho... mailey pani newspaper maa paw-dey thiye'

'Indira Gandhi lai maar-daa muh Calcutta ma thiye... usko Chora lai pani maala ma bomb haaley-ruh maryo ani arko chora lai tuh Jasoo-si haroo lay plane ma bomb raakhey ruh udai-diyo'

Abuh.. hamro Dai pani haami aaam Nepali haroo jastai 'conspiracy theorists' pani hoo-do rahecha! Yes.. Indira Gandhi got wacked by her guards, Rajiv Gandhi got blown away by them 'LTTE' ladies but I didn't know Sanjay Gandhi was flown away by them RAW SAW agents haroo.. hahah!

And Purna Dai won the 'best meter in town' award for today .... and he got some 'naw-gadh' puraskaar as well.. heheh!

But the 'Best Taxi Driver' award goes to my local cabbie... Mr. Bishnu, jasko Dai is Police ko SP rey.. Kaka is 'Euta Neta' ko khaas manchey rey and his wife is related to Late King Birendra ko nanny ko bhai ko saali rey!

I call Bishnu... like.. in them morning sorning when I am late for work... and he's always somewhere else!

'Hullo.. Bishnu... taxi khaali ho?..'

'Hoinuh Dai.. maw tuh Dakshin-Kaali ma' or 'Dai.. muh tuh Biha ko Laagi Birgunj Poogay' or 'Dai.. muh euta Tibetan Bajai lai Hospital puraa-ou-dai'

And then he calls me... like... four hours later.. 'Dai .. muh tuh khaali!' ... hahah!

'Ani.. muh kay garoom.. abuh garoom timi lai gaaaali!'

And I just want to apologize to them ... 'Mundrey taxi drivers and their 'Don' eestyle' .. sorry.. if you are one of them.. (out of 7 so far... this year!) for getting punched in the nose by some fugly guy (me!) ... because you wanted to charge Rs 500.00 (normal fare even with meter seter-tampering would be like Rs 200!)... malai maaf gardinoos hai.. yestai ho Naya Nepal maa!