Sunday, September 28, 2014

Good over Evil

Dashain is here and let us all celebrate victory of good over evil by eating, drinking and spending our savings to buy gifts for our loved ones.  Our byaparis make a killing during Dashain and the common folks are the ones who have to be the sacrifice to appease the Gods.  

Our byaparis buy clothes for Rs 70 and sell it for Rs 700. And most of us have no choice but to buy them because we need at least one new shirt or sari for Dashain.  

Either we all have to sign up for some vocational class and learn to sew and stitch or we can all get together and pitch in to order a container of clothes from China. Maybe that could help us to manage our budget during the festive season.

Every year, it's the same story when it comes to the goats. We don't have enough domestic goats to fulfill the market demand.  We buy tens of thousands of goats from the Desis and the Chinese. 

Our goat wallahs even sell us sick goats and we can't do anything about it. The only way we can cut down the 'goat' deficit is by raising our own goats. 

Yes, the government can do us a favor if it comes up with a 'Ek Ghar, Ek Goat' program. Each household should get one baby goat at least six months before Dashain at subsidized price. 

We will take care of it for months and it will take care of our belly during Dashain. And for vegetarians, they should get potatoes and mushrooms at discounted price. 

Nepal Food Corporation (NFC) has imported 3,400 goats for Dashain. Half of it will go to our visionary netas, hardworking hakim sahebs and fellow NFC employees. And no, they don't have to pay for it. 

The common citizens will have to stand in line for hours to buy a sick goat while the healthy ones are delivered to the 'thulo' mancheys so that they can enjoy Dashain without spending a paisa. 

The liquor stores will have to set aside a few bottles of bidhesi whisky for our cops and a bottle or two will probably be delivered to the higher-ups. And our netas also get a 'Blue Label' or two.  After all, our hardworking civil servants will have to visit the doorsteps of our great leaders with their offerings or else they will not get any lucrative postings later.

Our bus wallahs have no tickets unless you fork up two to three times the normal bus fare. And sometimes, you might have to stand up all the way from Kathmandu to Kakarbhitta or if you are lucky then you might get a muda to sit on.

I think it would be nice if we had a at least two weeks break before Dashain and most of us can organize our own 'Dashain Walk' programs and walk all the way from the capital to our villages. Our ancestors did it and why can't we? 

It could save us thousand of Rupees on bus fare and by the time, we reach home, we will all be a lean, mean, walking machine. I think the government should make it mandatory for all pot-bellied men to at least walk till Mugling. 

Let's make it a crime to have a pot-belly unless it is due to some medication or something. If we all then worry about our rising waistline then we will eat less, be more healthy and save a few more Rupees on food and health care as well. After all, your sugal level will be on check and you will not have to worry about type-2 diabetes.

It seems that we can't seem to get a break while all the byaparis make tons of dough during the festive season.  Our beloved Prime Minister is in New York while CK Raut is in jail. Raut should be allowed to voice his opinion. 

We are a Republic not a totalitarian regime. We should be making up instead of breaking up. Instead of sending Raut to jail, our government should focus on providing job opportunities and building infrastructure both in Pahad and Madhesh.

I think it should be mandatory for all our netas to be present in the country during Dashain. Our leaders should take a bus ride to their hometowns and stay in line for hours to get their chance to take a swing in the ping instead of wasting our taxpayers money by having fun abroad.

But of course, our government does not care about common citizens because it has to take care of its cadres, cousins and contractors first. Constitution comes last whereas corruption is the priority of the day for our clowns.

Our government is not for good governance but for 'goon' governance. In the future, there will come a time it would be better to go on a fast then spend your life saving to celebrate Dashain. Our Hindu Nepalis should learn a thing or two from the Desis. Indian PM Narendra Modi will be in Amrika during Dashian but he will not quit his fasting. 

If we can all go for fasting during Dashain, it will not only clear our toxins but it will also help us to save a few more Rupees. Yes, let's change the way we have been celebrating Dashain. Let the Rawans who rule this country gorge, drink and be merry while we fast, meditate and celebrate Dashain by giving our bodies a break.  

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Mundrey to Mantri

Let's congratulate our great leader KP Oli for recalling two of the party's ministers and sending two chamchas in their place. Oli has proven that he has a vision for this country, that is , to make it a heaven for criminals and hell for the common folks.  

The two new lucky mini-sinisters are Dipak Chandra Amatya and Mahesh Basnet.  Amatya is our new mini-sinister for Culture, Tourism and Civil Aviation. His only claim to fame is that he has been a serial arse-kisser of Jhallu Baba.  

Amatya has proven that if you work hard as a personal aide of a politician then someday you too can become a mantri.  Working hard does not mean that you are assisting the politician to do some good for the country. It means, making sure that the politician's near and dear ones get funds from the state treasury and loyal cadres get government jobs. 

Let's hope that Amatya will do his best to promote tourism by giving contracts to promote our country to his near and dear ones. And please buy a dozen new planes as soon as possible so that our hardworking Nepal Airlines employees can steal the tyres, life jackets and anything that is worth selling in the black market.

And the biggest joke of the week is that our youth leader Mahesh Basnet is our new mini-sinister for Industry. Basnet is a serial arse-kicker. He has lots of little mundreys under his command. Our political parties need both dealmakers and deal breakers.

If you can seal the deal then you can share the loot with other free loaders but if the mundreys of other parties win the government contract then you send in your own goons to break the deal. 

Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but at the end of the day, it's the political parties who make the dough from all the government contracts in the country.  And our great leaders need such thugs as Basnet to win elections, carry out bandas and extort from our fake-VAT Bill byaparis. 

Basnet is also good at lighting up torches and organizing masal julus. And he is an expert when it comes to hitting our cops with torches. But now, he will get security from our Nepal Police and not to forget, free vehicles and more chiya kharcha as well. 

I guess, there should be a new sport in our national games. Let's call it a '400m torch obstacle rally'. An athlete will need to light a torch, start running while shouting political slogans non-stop and getting past a dozen riot-police who will try their best to stop the athlete from crossing the finishing line.

Yes, Basnet lost in the Constituent Assembly election but he is our new mantri. Well, Makune lost twice in the CA election part-I and still went on to become our Prime Monster. I think our CPN-UML party likes losers. 

Well, Makune won twice this time but he lost the race for the chairperson of his own party. KP Oli is not in good health and we thought he would do some good and leave a legacy but it turns out that he just wants to make some dough and promote mundreys while he is still alive and kicking.

Let's hope that someday Basnet will also be our Prime Monster and our land will be ruled by mundreys. Then, all of us can go abroad to make a few Dinars more while the mundreys loot everything in this land.

KP Oli seems to love mundreys because they are good at fundraising by any means. First, they send  you a letter from the party and ask for help gently. If that doesn't work, then they send the mundreys to extort the byaparis. 

Well, nearly all political parties ask for voluntary contribution and our byaparis happily contribute as well. After all, no one wants to mess with the mundreys. Even if our cops arrest these thugs, they are free to go the next day because our so-called leaders pressure our men and women in blue to release them.

UML now stands for United Mundrey Leaders. Basnet will do his best to bring an industrial revolution in the country by using his skills as a torch-carrier. KP Oli is a smart man. Dashain is near and Basnet can use his muscles and now as a mantri, he can misuse his power as well to extort some dough from our byaparis.

Basnet is a role model for all mundreys in the country. If you are a mundrey then please join the CPN-UML. Ganesh Lama and all other mundreys in town should join Oli's party and they too can become mantri someday. 

Just be patient, gather as many mundreys as possible and use them to organize bandas and go on a rampage once in a while. And one day, the same laathi-charging cops will have no choice but to salute you and provide security for you and your loved ones.  

A 'Nepali Dream' comes true for a mundrey. Long Live Gun-a-tantra! 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

I Love New York

Our Prime Minister Sushil Koirala (SuKo) is leaving for New York on September 19th to attend the United Nations General Assembly (UNGA).   I think SuKo now knows more about New York City then New Baneshwor.  

And he is leaving early because he has also needs to have his follow-up health checkup at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Well, we wish him well but it would be nice if he focused more on the constitution-making process while at home instead of just being busy doing nothing. 

Maybe, SuKo should at least ask the Amrikis to open a cancer center in our land before he leaves Baluwatar.

Dashain has come early for our 22-member delegation that will be having fun in New York. And for the rest of us, we will be busy trying to minimize our shopping list for Dashain because our paychecks and bonuses will not be enough to buy a live goat, a tola of gold and bunch of gifts for our families.  

So, we must do with a few kilo of mutton, one fake gold ring for our Mrs and cheap t-shirts for our near and dear ones. 

And for our hakim sahebs and our netas, they get free goats from our Nepal Food Corporation and free gift hampers from our fake-VAT Bill byaparis. And most of our clowns seem to have many tolas of gold and that’s because most of their in-laws are wealthy landowners and they gave the gold as dowries.

SuKo will address a function organized by our Nepali Embassy in UAE on Sept 20th.  I think SuKo should be flying to New York after a few hours transit instead of wasting our taxpayers money by spending a day in Abu Dhabi.  

If he really is eager to listen to the problems faced by our migrant workers in the Gulf then he should visit all the gulf countries and tell their heads of states to pay our folks better wages and provide humane living conditions. 

Just spending a day drinking chiya and meeting our ambassadors and a few 'neta' workers is not enough.  It's just another meet and greet session for Suko and his cadres in the Gulf.

After all, we have 'neta' NRNs everywhere.  SuKo has even appointed his relatives who are Amriki green-card wallahs as his advisers. Mridula Koirala aka Maria Koirala is now one of SuKo's trusted adviser.  She used to own a diner in Manhattan until a few years ago. 

By next year, we will not have a new constitution but we will certainly have a new Prime Monster. All good things do come to an end.  So hurry up Maria and open Amriki Diners in the capital and be a diner queen. 

Who knows, maybe our valley residents will get used to the idea of eating pancakes early in the morning instead of only toast with jam or aloo-chana-anda diet which most of the early birds seem to religiously follow.

I think she should open her 'Shining Star Restaurant' in Kathmandu. Maybe, she can get free land, loans without collaterals or even funds from the state treasury. 

After all, she has the PM's ears and how about a 24-hr diner in the middle of the city?  She could become the patron saint for our restaurant wallahs if that happens!

SuKo is also expected to attend functions organized by our NRNs in New York. Yes, it’s the same natak in foreign lands where the party cadres who are either illegals, green-card wallahs or citizens there gather in a Nepali restaurant for a buffet dinner. 

The guest will be asked to share his 'two words' but he or she will go on a rant more insane than the one Gaddafi gave at the UNGA back when he was having fun. 

Mridula has hosted nearly every so-called thulo manchey from Nepal who have visited New York in the past two decades.  I think she could do us a favor and pull her strings if she has any, to get a replica of the Statue of Liberty in middle of Ratna Park, all funded by the great people of New York City. 

Then maybe, we won't be making so much fuss about green card wallahs or NRNs who want to come back just to make more dough by using their political connections in this land. But of course, she only knows our politicians and civil servants and not the Amrikis.

NYC gets over 40 million tourists every year. SuKO can also go on Amriki TV talk shows and invite all Amrikans to visit Nepal except Hollywood celebrities who come here for photo-ops. Yes, we don't need Selena Gomez or Demi Moore. We can learn a thing or two from Maggie Doyne instead. 

And for the UNGA, dear Prime Minister, just wear a 'Visit Nepal' t-shirt and maybe hold a placard that says' Read My T-Shirt', do a victory sign and leave the podium and that's it. 

The world will then always remember you, for the most effective promo of one's country.  After all, who cares about speeches? It's the UN! Most of the heads of states just want to relax and enjoy some pretzels.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

All in the family

Once again, our political parties have shown us that they are a bunch of freeloaders who will do anything for cash. The 26 vacant CA seats were supposed to be filled by folks from the indigenous communities and those who have made great contribution to the country but our buffoons are only interested in cash and cronies.

Seven months after starting their 'slumber party', our CA now has 17 nominated members. And most of our new CA members have either doled out bundle of notes or they are family. 

Our Emperor and other weaklings have refused to submit their candidate list because they are probably holding out in hopes of getting more cash from interested bidders.  

Maybe somebody needs to remind our clowns that they are getting free lunches so that they can give us a constitution and that too on time. Our clowns do not listen to the common folks. 

They only listen to con artists, contractors and their cousins.  And let us not forget our great bideshi donors and their boras of cash that make our buffoons salivate like Pavlov's dogs.

One of the names that really stand out in the list of our new CA members is Mr. Ganesh Thapa.  Our great former Home Minister and senior tennis champ, Kamal Thapa decided to nominate his own brother as his party's sole representative.  Monarchy may never make a comeback but the mandaleys continue to have fun. 

Ganesh Thapa has been heading the All Nepal Football Association (ANFA) for the past 20 years and it looks he will still be around when Comet Halley makes an official visit.  This man seems to be invincible.  Everybody seems to know that he has only enriched himself and his cronies with ANFA funds but nobody seems to have any evidence to prove that he is guilty. 

And now, he is our CA member.  Maybe, he should form a committee on his own to investigate wrongdoings in ANFA.  He will probably find himself innocent and blame it on disgruntled whiners for all the mess.

Maybe,  somebody should write a book about him and his formula for staying in power for such  long time.  The title of the book could be 'Money & Muscles'.  

For all those wannabe netas or those who want to run sports organizations someday, please learn to distribute the funds to your cronies so that you are more than likely to get the votes to stay in the top seat.

Maybe, our book publishers could do a series and feature most of our freeloaders who have continued to make money by skimming funds from their organization or the state treasury. We could have a new book every week for another fifty years. 

Our CIAA is interested to go after low-level government employees instead of our contractors, cousins and cadres. We now hear about civil servants getting arrested red-handed while receiving bribes from service seekers.  

Lok Man Dai probably wants to devote all his energy going after the small fishes while he does not want to mess with the sharks.  

He could do us all a big favor if he rounded up all the personal aides of our top leaders and confiscated their black books.  Our netas and top civil servants are never caught receiving bribes because their personal aides do all the deal making. 

But our netas do not run this country.  Fake Vat-Bill byaparis and sellers of adulterated products do. The petrol tanker wallahs are threatening to shut down their services to protect their gang of thieves. 

We all know that these tanker wallahs stole fuel products but it looks like not only our netas but byaparis are also above the law in this land of ours. The LPG bottlers want the government to increase their quota or else they too want to stop distributing cooking gas so that we can all consume dry foods during Dashain.

Our incompetent government plans to increase transport fares just before Dashain to make our bus wallahs happy. If there is no transport fare hike then the bus wallahs threaten to shut down their services.  And if you are thinking of flying then you better apply for a loan from your local cooperative soon.

Maybe, it would be a good idea if we all stay put this Dashain. Yes, let our bus wallahs, the plane wallahs and all other byaparis making the moolah every Dashain take a break for a change. Those who have to go out of the valley to celebrate Dashain should take a break this year and organize a massive Dashain party in Tundhikhel.

I think it would be better if all the ghar-betis in the valley organized a Dashain party for their tenants as well . Most of our renters pay thousands of Rupees for a shoe box and they have to buy their own water and learn how to be patient by standing in line for an hour to use the  one and only restroom. 

Most of our ghar-betis don't even pay rental taxes. Maybe, they could spare some dough to at least appreciate the tenant for a day this Dashain. After all, if there weren't folks to rent the rooms then most of our ghar-betis in the valley would have to do some fasting during Dashain.