Tuesday, September 28, 2010

How about a Nepali Tea-Party?


If u follow Amriki poly-ticks then u must know all about them 'tea-party' stuff.. Republican haroo ko naak saak batuh pasina sasina nikali rahecha yee tea-party wallah haroo lay!


Abuh Nepal ko sandarva maa tuh, only political parties have their 'Annual' tea-party stuff! And if you have been to one then it's like getting your ass stuck in the middle of some 'Bull' run in Spain. FYI, I have never been to a Nepali Political Party ko tea-party! And forgot to add.. I have never been to Spain either!

Abuh Nepal ma pani Amriki tea-party wallah jastai manchey haroo ko aawuh-sek-ta bhaee sakyo kyaruh... yesko matlab chahi : Nepal ma pani independent awaaz ko sakta jaroori cha! Abuh ko 'Next Election' (hoonay ho ki hoinuh thaha bhayenuh tara pani) ma chahi hami sabai janaa uth-nai parcha!

Mero tuh area, Lalitpur #3 parcha. Ma tyeha batuh choonaab ma uthnay planning ahiley dekhi nai gari-raheko choo! Mero prati-dwandi haroo ma chahi, Madam Pampha Bhusal (I like her but I think she likes aroo 'her' haroo!), Raghuji Panta (the previous champion who lost to Ms. Bhusal!) and now so-called advisor to PM Makune rey!

Abuh yo list ma mero pani naam joday hooncha! Mero bhasun yes prakar ko hoonay cha!

Dear Lalitpur #3 residents,

Please vote for me. I cannot promise you anything. Don't come for me for jobs, tender-sender ko contracts etiyaadi etiyaadi. The only thing I can offer is to clean your streets, install solar-street lamps in every corner, 24x7 security in all neighborhoods, subsidized rainwater harvesting stuff ruh composting program ani Adopt 'a' bhusiya kukur karyrakaram.

Now, you will ask me ... how the hell will you get the money when you are an independent candidate? Well, Nepali politics will be like this for the next 100 years. There will be no majority and it will be the same natak of 'rag-tag' coalition government natak where independent MP ko vote bikri ma hoonchaw!

My calculation is like this: If I get elected, I will be having fun for the next 5 years. Each coalition government will probably last not more than 9 months. Baroo 9 mahina ma tuh baccha nai janmin-chaw taruh hamra chor neta haroo lay 9 mahina ma kehi garnuh sakdainuh rey!

So 5 barsa ma kehi na-bhaye pani 5-6 sarkaar tuh fare-badal bhayee halchaw! The current market price is Rs 1-5 corore depending on kasko bau ko sarkaar. The Maobaadis have tons of dough so they offer the best price! I will probably bring in 5-25 corores in my tenure.

My only dream is to ride a Rolls Royce... I will sleep in it ruh mero office nai tyesai ma hooncha to save accommodation/office expenses. I will have a satellite phone installed, so no problem of network connection or swa-swa awaaz on the phone! Baaki 20 corore ma kehi nabhaye pani mero karyakaram safal garnuh sakchoo mera #3 ka pyara basindaaa haroo lai!

Lau tuh... abuh ki vote dinoo hos, ki note dinoo hos , tapai ko marji!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Gym or Jim Beam?


5am in the morning... Mr. Chunky Pandey (uha Chunky jastai dekhnoo hooncha kyaruh!) starts his so-called 'Bullet' bike and then warms it up for the next 10 minutes to be exact! What the hell is wrong with this guy?

After tolerating his 'natak' for a month... I finally went to his house @ exactly 4:59:33am and as he opened his gate and started vrooming... I was like 'Hey, jackass... what is your freaking problem?'

Ani tyes pachi tuh uha ko Raam-Kahaani soo-roo bhaye halyo ni! The guy goes to the gym rey .... @ 5am in the morning! Gym jaaney manchey kinuh bike sike maa, baroo jogging sogging gareruh gaye bhayi halyo ni?

Buda lai kaha ko bhoot lagyo kunni... asti samma dekh-da tuh raat vaari Jim Beam piu-noo hooncha bhanney suneko thiye... Taruh Kathmandu ko haal khabar yestai cha... Aaj kal sabai lai fit-sit soniye banney rahar lagey jasto cha.. except me of course!

Anyways, biha-nuh ko 5 bajey bike tyesaari kaan foot-nay gari start gareruh 10 minute samma vroom vroom garda , hami chimeki ko haalut kay hooncha bajiya lay sochenuh... socheko bhaye tuh usko budi uskai business partner sanguh kinuh poi-low jaan-thin ruh?

Hehehe... sorry, that was too harsh... hope he gets his 'Arnold' ko body and eye-candy as well... uslay body bana-ko nai keti pattau-nuh rey.. hoonu-tuh 40 is the new 20 bhanchan kyaruh... abuh yo budo lai pani tyes kai hawa lageko holan tuh!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

For the 8th time....!


Nepal is in the news again. We are probably the only country in the world .... still ticking, running and kicking... even without a government! Well, we do have a so-called 'care-taker' government... sounds like some guy in Maryland, opening a 'Senior citizen' home and taking care of a 240+yr old grandma.. Hajurma ko naam chahi 'Nepali' nai paryo kyaruh!

Uncle Prachandu, the head of the Mao Inc. criminal syndicate... oops sorry... forgot ... they are revolutionaries turned businessmen has decided to withdraw from the 'hot' seat! Now, we have another old bugger, Mr. RCP still hanging on as if the communists will change their minds and back him for the PM seat!

This 'hawa-taari' race for PM ko koorchi reminds me of my college friend, Mr. Obukiwaga (never could pronounce his name but it sounds like that!) from Nigeria. Mr. Obu (short form maa) would hang out @ them local clubs till closing tyam, hoping to get laid!

Happy Hour dekhi antim ghadi samma usko plan nai 'Ladki' pattaunay... He would first scan the dance floor and hit on all them 'hwatties' ... by 11pm, after trying to hook up with 22 'Jessica Alba'-types, he would take a quick bathroom break and then change his plan! Yes, only beer-drinkers need bathroom break every 15 minutes, whisky-swisky piu-nay haroo ko tuh only 'Liver-break' hooncha!

Tyes-pachi, he would then move on to the 'biggies'... with due respect to big-boned ladies! Tyes ma pani u fail ... ani antim ghadi ma chahi kahiley kaahi pass bhayi-halthyo!

I have no idea what I am trying to say/write here but hamro desh ko PM ko race pani yestai yestai nai ho kyaruh! Mr. Bijukche, the umbrella-killer from Bhaktapur is calling for 'President's Rule' rey or also known as 'military-saashun' and Mr. Kamal Thapa, the 'King-is-Singh' band-leader is calling for Uncle Gyanu to save the nation!

I think we should just carry on... after all, life goes on ni... Yo Jaado ma tuh jhan sure pani 18hr+ load-shedding hooncha rey .. every day! So no batti this winter and paani ko taal tyestai ho... abuh yo hew-dey bidaa ma jhan mazza auney bhayo kyaruh!

Our 601 MPs have extended their pay-check... so they don't need to worry about negative cash flow, our care-taker PM is busy doing his usual stuff... attending ribbon-cutting ceremonies. The President ko tuh kay kura garney... uha tuh NGO haroo ko program ko official mascot nai bhayee-saknoo bhayo kyaruh!

I think the best option for now is to pick one person each from them 22+ parties and do some bhaag-bandaa, jindagi plane nuh-deykhey-ko lai Tourism/Aviation Mantri, football nai nuh-haaney ko lai Sports Mantri, Jindagi haw-lo na-joteyko lai Krishi Mantri and so on! Ani tyes 22 jana bewakoof lay nai chaa-nos nuh uni haroo batuh euta Maha Mantri ya-nay-ki Prime Monster!

Lau tuh... Ajuh ko guff yeti nai! Jai Hind... sorry... Jai Nepal, sometimes I forget ni.. harmo Neta haroo hamro servant ho ki Desi haroo ko boot paalish garney haroo ho!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Delhi Bridge... is falling down!



Did you hear about that bridge falling down... abuh baccha ko bela ma tuh 'London Bridge is Falling Down' bhanney nursery rhyme tuh khoob gaa-yee-o abuh chahi India ma baccha haroo lai 'Delhi ko bridge' is fouling down bhaneruh geet sikaye hooncha hola!

The 2010 'Commonwealth' Games is scheduled to start from October 3 ho kyaruh... Delhi maa.. ani tyo bhanda pahila nai tyo Stadium link garney parking lot ko bridge tuh khasey-cha.. ani 23 jana laborer haroo ko bay-haal! India lai Amrika ruh Chiniya pachi .. next Superpower bhanthyo Time ho ki Slime Magazine lay.

Tyesko bajeey euta bridge tuh ramro sanguh banau-nuh sakay-nuh kay ho Super power... baroo Nirma Detergent lay tyo bridge sridge dhoo-ye ko bhaye chahi tikthyo hola ni? (I hope no idea why Nirma popped up here!)


Anyways, China is the next SuperPower... Amriki haroo sabai $4.95 ko Chinese Lunch Buffet ma pagli-sakyo abuh Mandarin pani sikey hooncha hola! 'Why Nepalis should learn Mandarin' bhanney bisuh-ye ma chahi arko choti kehi guff haanoo-la!

The difference between China and India:

1) Infrastructure: Bato Sato Ghato... Chinese haroo lay dumpling ruh noodle khaye pani bato chahi babaal banai-sakyo except tyo Beijing ho ki Shanghai ho.. tyeha tuh traffic-jaam nai 8-9 din ko hooncha rey..haha! Chakka-jaam nai garnoo parey-nuh.. Abuh Tibet samma tuh Super (Oxygen) Train banai-sakyo mora haroo lay...

Ani India bhaney chahi... ahiley pani sabai thau ma bato sato ghato chaina... 500million+ tuh garibi farmer haroo nai chan... ani kinuh chance nuh-lihyos tuh Naxalbaadi ruh Desi Maobaadi ley.. .So the next 25 years, India will be fighting (domestic bhancha ki, internal ki home-made desi achaar) terrorism... Tyo Pakistani-ISI goonda haroo ko tension na-liye hooncha abuh!

2) See No.1 and I guess that's enough hola... (or I have no idea what to write next ... so easy way to get the hell out of this 'numbering' game! :)

Dherai Desi haroo lai gaali nuh-garnoo parla... lyast ma gayeruh tyehi Bollywood feelim haroo hare-nai ho, ani Pee-Loon or Beera Beera Beera bhanney geet soon-dai bihanuh Shower ma nachinai haalincha... ani feri badi halla garyo bhaney border sorder banduh ani Nirma Detergent na paye pachi looga pani fohor... ani Hamro Desh ko Prime-Monster pani utai batuh sifaaris bhayeruh auney tuh ho ni.... (easy way to blame India for everything!)

Jay bhaye pani, chimeki rastra ho.. I hate my neighbor more than I will ever hate India because India lay mero ghar ma nai taseruh ghar banaa-ko chaina ni... So, Good luck to all Indians and hope the CommonWealth Games will run smoothly and hope you will get your stuff right before we can call you the next SuperPower!

Until then, let's sing a desi-remix nursery rhyme and have some nimbhoo-paani, bada-pow (khoi kasari spell garcha tyo aloo burger lai) and hope we get to watch more Aamir Khan Production ko naya flavor ko feelim haroo!

Jai Hos and hope Deepika Padukone leaves that fat arse Maaliyaa ko choro... ek din tuh jasari bhaye pani uni sanguh bad-mint-on khelnay sapana chahi poora nai garchoo ho!

BTW, who the @$#! needs this not so common-wealth games.... Abuh England ko maharaani pachi tuh Princy Charlie boy (the one who talks to the plants!) King hoonay wala chaina ani Usko Choro pani baroo DJ ya bartender nai banla jasto cha... but you never know.. the Late Queen Mother (Hamro hoina ho England ko) pani nikkai barsa bacheki-thin ... abuh yo budi mow pani 90-100 tuh baach-in hola ni!

Delhi Bridge is broken down,
Falling down, falling down.
Delhi Bridge is falling down,
My fair lady.... Darling Sonia!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Here comes them Kangaroos!


When the Kangaroos came to power, nearly all of us were excited. It was 'Naya Nepal' Part I and they managed to squander all them goodwill.... by looting and booting left and right. We have to thank them for giving Prachandu Uncle and his Mao Inc. to play their 'so-called' revolutionary war!

We can't blame the Maoists because they really just took the playbook from the Kangaroos and added some violent-remix masala to it. After all, Girija Babu and his gang did have a blast with more than 30million NRs when they managed to do that 'hijacking natak' back in the days!

And the Mao Inc. wasn't going to be satisifed with that, they went on a looting spree across the country and probably got away with more than 30million US$.. Yes.. baby... that's the way to go, if you want to loot, shoot and boot then better do a big heist than robbing the local taxi driver or pan-pasaley!


Well, let's get back to the Kangaroos. Thanks to them, we had to endure jhan-barbaad traffic jaam. The so-called election @ Academy Hall was a lesson on how our so-called politicians think. Sabai bato vari parcha nai parcha ko fohor ani safa garney kasley. Our politicans know only one thing... that is daang doong, chakka jaam, bato ko traffic divider bhatkaaauney, batti phootauney and what not!

Yes, it's easy to start a revolution but it is not that easy to govern... rey bhanthey ek jawana koon chahi buda ho ki budi lay! Hamro neta haroo ko taal nai yestai ho... And once again the Kangaroos are busy doing their thing.

If only the Kangaroos had governed well when they won the majority during them 90s ko election, they would have governed Nepal for the next 150 years. That would have broken the longest streak ever held... by the Ranajis!

Bichara Panchey lay kay lootyo 30 barsa ma, hamro Kangaroos haroo lay tuh 10 barsa mai nai Rana Sana, Panchey Sanchey lay bhanda badi nai lootay kyaruh... abuh Maobadi ko tuh kura chodoo ho ... yini haroo yestai taal lay Ambani bhai bhanda pani badi paisa hooncha yee ni haroo sanguh!


Well, Girija is dead. Sushil will die soon ani what's left. We have Prakash Man Singh.. he looks like a bull. Sher Bahadur Deuba and his tongue twisters and Sujata Auntie and her 'Cougar' nataks... Abuh Demi Moore lay tuh tyo Punk'd-wallah lai chodnuh laagi sakyo .. kaha auntie pani 30 barsey Agarwal sanguh lap dance gari raako bhanya... baroo Manmohan Singh sanguh los-pos garnoos nuh!

The Kangaroos can once again become the national party of Nepal .. only if Narhari Acharya is given the Captain's chair! But of course, there will always be few good men and women .. aroo neta, netini haroo tuh hawa ko taal ma ki chori, ki budi , ki mistress ko naata lay Central Committee ma chir-chan!


I know politics is not easy... it's not black and white and it's the same everywhere. So, we need a dictator not like Saddam or Kimmie Dai from the North but somebody like Lee Kwan Yee, the old bulldog from Singapore!

So next tyam, when the going gets tough and if you are a so-called revolutionary leader then don't run away to India and eat sookha-roti and plan your 'comeback' like them Girijay and Prachandey Babus... go to Singapore , my man and woman... eat some chicken-fly-ly, hot kopi ... u can get them Mee Goreng, Nasi Lemak, Roti, Paraatha, Chinese fried rice with chaak polnay hariyo khoorsaani and what not!


You will enjoy the food and have some fun tyam in Singapore ... sikha tyeha baseruh ani Nepal ayeruh Desh Chalaunuh payo bhaney .... hami lai pani Singapore jastai banau.... Only one man promised us that Nepal will be like Singapore.

And that was .. Mr. KP Bhattarai.. Where is he now? He is just playing majhong with his mistress, Ms. Kapali and I hear he gets free Viagra from the Amriki Embassy rey! Jay hos, Buda lay jindgai Singapore baseko bhaye po Singapore banauthyo... Vanarasi ma paan saan khayeruh tyam waste gareka haroo lay kay banaucha ruh!


Anyways, Good Luck to the Kangaroos and hope this is not the end.... taruh UML/Kangaroos haroo lay yo second chance pau-daa pani sikeko chaina... so I guess this is the end.. .We will only have the extreme left and the extreme right-wing in the near future... and what about us.. the one in the middle... well, let us all go to Singapore and drink some Tiger Beer and Chicken fly-ly!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Uncle Gyanu is GROUNDED!!!


Our impotent government has once again come up with a new 'natak'... this tyam they are acting like badi strict parents and the teenager seems to be our Uncle Gyanu! Nepal is no longer a Hindu Kingdom... and the new 'Chief Guest' in town is our President. And our political leaders are still scared shit with Uncle G and his 'religious nataks' ... They don't want him to attend the Indra Jatra Festival due to security concerns!

The Maoists want to do some daang-doong, the Hindu Group wants to bring back the monarchy and our government is .... actually we really don't have a government, just a bunch of election-haaroowas and their cronies , having all the fun with our Rastra ko dhukuti!!!

According to our Bhatti-analysts, the Hindu Group made one mistake in their PR campaign!!! They should have never mentioned 'Shree Paanch Maharajdhiraj' on their FLEX BANNER rey! If it had read 'Welcome Gyanu Darling' then it wouldn't have caused so much nautanki rey! So, next tyam... the so-called Hindu Warriors should welcome Uncle G with 'Welcome Back Gyanu' instead of putting his 'Crown, face and titles' in them banners!

Arko
kura... Prachandu and other so-called 'Priestly Class' leaders should learn a thing or two from Jangey Uncle! A common man who went on to become 'Shree Tin Maharaj'... if the Ranas could keep the Monarchy Baajaa alive for 104 years while having fun then why not our political leaders? I guess none of them have visited England except CP Gajurel who tried to hop a plane to Buckingham Palace and got busted in India for pasting his face on some guy's passport!

Well, we hear stories about the Maoists warming to the idea of having a 'Cultural King'... Nepal seems to be the land of conspiracies... I think that 'Da Vinci Code' ko writer should come to Nepal and stay here for a year or two. Then he will get enough ideas to write the next 33 'Vinci Codes' books!

If our leaders want us to forget about the monarchy then they should do better than just trying to elect a Prime Minister. Instead of focusing on providing basic necessities to the people, our leaders are busy providing for their families and cronies.

Sorry, we are Nepalese... or Nepali or Nepzie .. we forgive and forget and we always want our Kings back after few years of so-called neta haroo ko raaj! Then if we get King G back then we will again take to the streets and demand our netas back...

This is how things are done in Nepal. We like Jessica Alba then we get tired and we want Jessica Simpson then we get tired of her and then we want Alba back and then we get mad at her. I guess, we just don't know what we want! Maybe that's why we, the people have been grounded since the House of Shah crashed the Party in Kathmandu Valley!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The World This Week!


A driver runs over a child... highway ma chakka-jaam! While the parents and the company negotiates over compensation, angry mob throws the driver in the river... abuh kay? Now the parents won't be getting the money unless the driver is found rey... Nepal ma no law and order ... actually Nepal ma Jungali law and order chahi cha hai!

Biggie used to say 'Mo money , Mo problems' rey... Haatti ruh Haatti Chap Chapal eutai ho bhaney jastai... Nepal ma chahi... "bigger the ride, bigger the problem' rey! If you are a truck driver then the only way you can get away with accidents.... u better hit a helicopter or a plane or else you will get thrown into some river!

For example: If a truck hits a micro-bus then it becomes truck-wallah ko fault.. if a Micro-bus hits a motorcycle then it becomes Micro-bus driver ko fault... and if a bike hits a cycle then the biker ko fault! Abuh thaha bhayo hola ni Nepal ko system!


The other day, mero saathi ko Father-in-Law ko gaadi Teaching Aspawtaal agaadi goodi-raheko thiyo.. Achanak euta mahila gaadi agaadi aunoo bhayo ruh thuppa rokhnoo bhayo, ani Gaadi side laagnuh khojda uha feri gaadi agaadi aunoo bhayo or choossssaawww gaadi lay choo-aye cha! Ani tuh Babal!

Suddenly, out of nowhere ... a crowd of 50 angry young men and women gathered around the vehicle and started shouting 'Down with Samanti haroo' or something like that! The driver got out of the vehicle, so did the Father-in-Law and then some wise-arse shouted 'Lau hay-ruh Yee saala haroo kati bhaata , bhakkar ko bhakkar drive garney manchey pachadi ani arko manchey lai driver banayo!'

The lady was taken to Teaching Hospital. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with her except a love-bite by her former lover during the first Jana Andolan back in 2046 B.S. rey! Then the woman refused further inspection by the witch-doctors and asked to be driven to B&B Hospital. And then finally she was all fine and dandy and demanded Rs 10,000.00!

After brutal negotiation, the price was dropped to Rs 2,500.00 ! She left, nobody got hurt, the vehicle wasn't torched! Aamir khan lay bhanya jastai 'Awl is Vell'

Nepal ma yestai ho! Ani arko chaak-h-laagdo news chahi ... Maoist (Lover!) Commander commits suicide! And you thought them Maoists were only after your house, jagga, gaadi and soon chaadi! Maoist haroo pani lob sob gardaa rahechan bhanda dherai manchey haroo awe-chumm-a manchan! Kukur ko tuh lob parcha bhaney manchey ko kay lob napaw-ray-ruh sob sob matra hooncha tuh?

May his soul rest in peace.... and hope he finds a better bride in his next life! Aroo yestai ho... Our Home Minister is flying to New York to represent Nepal for them UN ko annual bhoj karyakaram. Abuh Home Minister Home ma naw-baw-say-ruh ghanta khanuh bidesh sidesh gaako?

Ani, hamro Forest Minister, Mr. Sack (Bohara) is in New York for some climate slimate conference. Jungle ma po basnoo parney ho... hoonuh tuh NYC pani tuh (Concrete) Jungle nai ho kyaruh!

Lau, Jai Hos!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Movie Review: Dabangg!


The last time I hated Salman Khan was back when 'Maine Pyar Kiya' came out and all our gals (now ladies) were like 'I will do anything for you, Sallu Darling!' .... ani tyes pachi tuh jhan junai feelim ma pani 'shirt' faaleruh usko so-called 'khatara' bwady dekhaunuh thaley pachi ta jhan nai allergic!

I guess as you grow older, u become wiser (& miser too!)... Dabaang is my #1 Bollywood dhamaka of the year and yes, I will have to give it to Sallu 'half-naangey' Khan all them credit he finally deserves! Sallu lai nuh naachnuh aucha nuh tuh acting sacting garnuh nai tara pani yo film chahi is as good as it gets!

I heard a lot about hamara Patna ki beti , Shatru Uncle ko chori but kunai kunai scene ma chahi she has this 'simple hwatness' factor taruh tyes pachi chahi naani pani Hema Malini ko chori jastai hoonay indicator haroo dherai dekhaun-chin!

The film is a total rock-on, BMC mix-masala dhamaka and u should watch it ... theatre ma and not them Rs 30 DVD (mailey chahi tyehi 30 rupaiaya walla show hayrayko ho...heheeh!) but I am seriously thinking of sending my Rs 160.50 (INRs conversion!) to them producers in Mumbai!

And Nepali Police should also send all its 50K+ personnel to watch this movie so that they will learn something from it! The moral of the story is: India, Nepal, Pakistan (SHARK countries) ma ghoos shoos tuh chali-haalcha taruh sarba sadharan lai chahi help garuh baroo chor haroo lai looteruh khass kehi farak pardainuh!

I hear this movie is going to be bigger than Sholay. I don't think so.... taruh pani am really happy for Salman... and last scene ma chahi mora gadha lay feri Shirt nai aaf-say-aaf faateruh half-naangey bhayeruh fight khelcha! The item number is rocking, fights are daami (if you love Rajnikanth-style action saction and a little bit of Matrix-cut & paste naatak!)

And not to forget ... my fav. Bollywood people ,Dimple (Demi Moore ain't sheet!) and Vinod Khanna (I always thought he was better than Amitabh!) have their little acting sacting going on as well!

Lau tuh... 'The Bang' hare-noo hwas... majja linoo hwas... And hope we will have our own ChulBul Pandeys in our Police Force as well!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

My Neighbors...


50 years ago, mero tole ma Bha-koon-day bhoot authyo rey. Then 25 years ago, it was more of a syal-haroo ko gang... ani 10 barsa agaadi chahi nuh bhoot nuh animals... haroo and now fast forward to present day .... abuh chahi manchey haroo nai bhoot hoonuh thalyo!

10:00pm : Mero ghar agaadi euta sano kaath ko factory cha. The guy starts work @ 7am in the morning with them machine-alarm clock.. .krrrring kkkkk krrrring, kaath kaatdai and then when the day is over.... them employees are busy talking to their loved ones in India , tyo pani merai ghar agaadi baseruh! So for the next 40-50 mins, I have to listen to UP-ko-dielogs haroo!

11:00pm : Mero chimeki ko chori starts her 'Zoom' TV show ... tyo pani loud vyaaloom maa and it goes on until 1am.

1:00am :Yo bhoot hidnay tyam ho taruh aaj kal manchey nai bhoot bhaye pachi kasko kay laagcha ruh? Now, we have our regular drunken master and crouching tigers. Some nights, some drunk will be pissing , some will be taking a nap and some will be fighting with their imaginary enemies.

1:30am : And we have a lovely dance-bar girl... the micro-bus ko music is louder than 'The Who' ko concert and then it takes her 5-10 minutes to kiss everyone in the Micro and bid farewell.... C'mon Lady... aren't u going to meet the same folks tomorrow night @ work?

2:30am : Time for a 'holy' unplugged street concert. A baba from India and his 'Shiva' Bhakti bhajan... I wonder if he is high on hash and forgets his way everyday and ends up in my neighborhood.

3:30am : The 'Albino' buda across the street begins his 'Khakaar Yoga'....

4:30am : The Armed Police Force guards @ DFID (UKAID) begin their sur-safai karyakaram while them so-called private 'Yellow Shirts' guards are inside... having a blast. Hamro TaxPayer ko money bideshi INGO lai guard garnuh kaam laagecha tara let them clean their front gate...

5:00am : The morning morning work crowd, a gang of 20 women and 3 men and singing 'latest' dohori re-mix ... waking up the neighborhood!

6:00am : The 'Karate Kids' .... hoo -haaa - crowd... and then we have either the APF or the Army personnel and their morning run natak , banging their boots as if it is a Neo-Nazi Fest or something!

7:00am : Everybody is up except ....

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I Want to Write Something So Simply

I Want to Write Something So Simply
-Mary Oliver

I want to write something
so simply
about love
or about pain
that even
as you are reading
you feel it
and as you read
you keep feeling it
and though it be my story
it will be common,
though it be singular
it will be known to you
so that by the end
you will think -
no, you will realize -
that it was all the while
yourself arranging the words,
that it was all the time
words that you yourself,
out of your own heart
had been saying.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Customer Service... Micro Bus maaa!


Our MPs demand to be treated with respect. Well, then don't spend our taxpayers money on them big SUVs, medical care in foreign lands and what not. They should all ride public transportation... Hamro jasto garib desh ma 1 corore ko gaadi chudnay manchey lai nai laaz laagnoo parney ho.. baroo tyo paisa lay kunai gau ma school, drinking water swater , baato ghaato ko laagi daan diye hooncha ni!

I no longer venture out after dark because a) I don't want to be the next UFC champion by knocking out 23 cab drivers in 24 days! b) heard the new Kathmandu SP really wants to polish his resume by arresting everyone (guys/gals/third and fourth gender as well) hanging around KTM after 11pm! c) my grandmother tells me 'tyo bhoot soot hidnay tyam ho' ... so I don't want no evil spirit hanging out with me or get ripped off by the 'evil' cabbie!

Anyways, I really want to stop this 'global warming' thing... so I only use public transportation. Tyehi ho kahiley kaahi chahi, party sarty bichha ma nai choderuh 8:15pm ko Jawlakhel jaaney last micro-bus samaatnuh daudi-halnoo parcha!

The morning starts with a Khalasi bhai trying to grab you by your armpits and throw you inside his Micro-Bus. Yesterday, the 'Britney Spears' T-shirt guy was just pulling me. With due respect to all working class heroes but I just gave him a big baag-panjaa (tiger-gloves) slap usko ghaati ma. Sorry bhai, it's just that I like eating two boiled eggs every morning and today, I only got to eat one!

Then we got into a staring game... usko Micro-bus pani tana-tun bhaye rahecha ... so he left! Natra bhaney Jawlakhel ma nai Chakka-jaam hoonthyo hola aajuh samma!

Then I got into another Micro... the F1 Racing driver was really good! I don't know why he was in such a hurry. Pachi po usko mobile conversation baatuh thaha bhayo... Ratnpark ma Churot bechnay bahini sanguh usko lob sob pari-raheko rahecha!

Ani
music pani, Rock concert ko bhanda x10 charko... I told him 'Bhai tyo Bhu-Loom ali saano garnoos nuh' . I like country (dohori) music ... sometimes... esp the ones where the ladies will give Himesh Reshammiya a run for his money ... when it comes to singing through your nose, probably tyo looga sukaunay clip lay theechay pachi hola!

The Micro stopped @ Sahid-Gate... our sarkaari karmachaaries are getting really creative. Tyo sahid haroo lai protect garnuh rakheko silver-color ko faalam ko railing tuh aandhaa baasko rahecha, silver color paint saint haandey cha. Faalam kinnay paisa lay kaasley kinnay bhayo Khasi yo Dashain maa?

As we were about to get off... the race-car driver decided to speed up and a lady nearly broke her leg trying to flee from the crazy Micro! Tyes Pachi feri bhaana bhun sooru! Ani Bichara Khalaasi bhai lay feri khayo mero Baag-Panjaaa!

Ani
ali Maathi, hamro Nagarpaalika ko 'Mobile Toilet' ko agaadi batuh #2 ko Kamalpokhari tira jaaney Tyampoo liye. Driver saheb lai pachi sajilo hos bhaneruh pahila nai Rs 11 buja-ye ani 'Dai Tyo Kamalpokhari ko police station agaadi rokhnoos hai bhaney'... I love them Tyampooss.. afnai speed ma kasai ko baal nai nadikinuh chalaunuh paunay... sabai Micro Sicro hataa-yeruh yehi Tyampoo banaa-aye hooncha...

Taruh
bichara Tyampoo driver sanguh pani discuss... Maitidevi tira lageruh stop garyo. "Dai, Kina Kamalpokhari ma Na-rokhay-ko?"... tapai lay 'Dyaang-uh' garnoo parcha ni... hami kaha samjiraancha tuh tapai lay agi nai bhaneko koora...'

Desh
ko neta lai maatra memory-loss bhayo bhaneko tuh abuh sabai janaa lai Aamir Khan jastai hoonuh thaalecha! Arko choti chahi ma uha ko Niddhaaar ma Marker lay lekhdinchoo ' Please stop @ Kamalpokhari ko Prahari Chowki agaadi' Taruh my bad... I should have 'dyaaanged' the Tyampoo.. taruh mero agaadi euta Her Hwatness baskeo hoona-lay mero afnai memory-loss bhayo hola!

Pachi
... office sakiyo... feri Ratnpark ko Micro Samaatiyo! I think 'The House of Vaidya' should throw away all them seats when they sell them Micro-sicro! Our Khalasi-bhais want to squeeze 20 people in a Micro that can only seat 15! And I got squeezed between a Fat Madeshi Forum Member and a big-boned Pahaadi Forum Lady!

By the tyam , we were in Jawlakhel... I had already lost sensation ...mero euta haat ruh etua khutta maa (and not whatever u were thinking ... just now!). I thought I would have to visit Alka to get both of them amputated for blood clot or something! I would prefer Patan Hospital ... was very good when UMN was taking care of it.. abuh tuh Patan pani Sarkaari chor haroo lay bistaarai .....

Ani
tuh last discuss-siscuss of the day. A 50+ lady gave her '?? Learning Center card' to our 'PussyCat Dolls' T-shirt bhai and they got into a heated argument when he accused her of giving him a fake ID card.

Sorry.. He didn't say fake... I think the word was 'illegal' .. tyespachi tuh 'principle sinciple ethics sethics' ko bisay ma discuss. Auntie was talking about 'defamation - sedimentation, slandering-philandering and what not' .. sorry 'not' philandering.. tyo ali mailey nai masala thup-dey jasto cha!

I tried to calm down the 'Auntie' ... 'bhayo yes lai chod-dinoos discuss gareruh afani tauko dukcha'... ani feri Khalaasi bhai got all Prachanda-ized and then started wagging his finger 'Badi Nabol-noos'... Abuh tuh malai nai Atti nai bhayo.. ani Feri Slap-Wlap... 'Tero Aamo saw-ruh ko manchey sanguh ramro sanga bol hai gadhaa' .. ani I got off.

Both them auntie and 'Nicole Scherzinger' fan ... kept quiet... Abuh feri Bholi Jawlakhel ma Chaaka -Jaam hoonchuh bhanney asha lay ma chahi Ghar tira laagey!

Aroo bela chahi mero ramrai guff-suff hooncha... hamro public-transportation-crew haroo sanguh.. maybe I was just having a bad day.... damn... tyehi euta extra andaa khaanuh napayeruh... tyeskaaran my sincere apology to all micro-bus wallahs! Arko choti ma chahi thulo headphone lagayeruh paschoo Micro bhitra, na tuh music nai loud nuh tuh discuss-siscuss gareko nai soonnnay!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Next Prime-Monster?


The last time I stood up for election was for the 'Class Beadle'... 10th grade maa... and I lost because the other guy offered the voters ... chocolates and stuff. Well, I wasn't going to just keep quiet so I offered my fellow people ... paan paraag, churot and Tulsi (Jardaa-wallah).

Abuh
Class ma 40 jana thiyo, and only 6 of us were into smoking, drinking and stuffing a pack of Pan Paraag every two hours! So, I lost.... and I now know how Al Gore must have felt when he lost to that Bozo!

Abuh Nepal ko Sandharva ma tuh... it's a big joke. Candies and Pan Paaraag won't do. Our so-called netas need a few Corores here and there. Kay garney chora chori lai padaunoo paryo, tyes pachi biha gardinoo paryo, tyes pachi ghar kin-dinoo paryo , tyes pachi factory sactory kinnai paryo, tyes pachi naya Bank, hospital, hydro-power natak ma invest garnai paryo.... the list goes on and on!

I really don't think we need a Prime-Monster. We already have 601 mini-monsters to deal with. And one of them, a lady MP went to this store in Bagbazaar and when she couldn't find her choice of kurta... she called up the cops and had the owner arrested.

His crime? For not being respectful enough to our Her Highness MP-auntie! And our police-wallahs, more of a local security guards for our netas/netinis arrested the guy for not providing better customer service. Thank God, he didn't kiss her arse. Tyeso bhaye tuh he would have been arrested for sexual harassment hola!

Our MPs, ministers, Mao. Inc CC members should take a break from riding around in SUVs and instead take a walk around Kathmandu, visit local stores, do some grocery shopping and stuff like that. And then only they will understand why everything is so expensive... why the Micro-bus drivers drive like their pants' on fire, why there is no water and how can one survive with all these mahangis?

Our so-called PM is busy attending events, lighting them battis and giving fokatey ko bhassans. Abuh PM ho ki local Mayor ho? The Home Minister acts like he owns Kathmandu, the foreign minister is busy drinking whisky and sleeping with (lucky) Marwaari businessmen .

Nothing wrong with that.. I love drinking whisky and I love Marwaari girls (If u are an Agarwaal-ni ... do u want to have coffee with me ...please!!!) but why are our Ministers acting like they are local Ward Members instead of leaders who have the opportunity to do the right thing. What is the right thing? I don't know.... making the moolah while you can and then saying 'Catch me if you Can' hola!

I hope we will have a new PM by 2020... and hope our so-called 'new' constitution will be ready by then... until then just keep on doing what you are doing and hope everything will be fine.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Give them a break... will ya?


Mr. Karki (dah UML MP) is in jail... for what? Asking some fellow citizen to dole out some dough for some sarkari jaagir is not a crime. It's been going on since the original Maobadi, Mr. PN from Gorkha decided to crash the 'Newar Fest' in the Valley!

The price tag is : IGP ko laagi Rs 5 corores, NEA ko director ko laagi Rs 7 corores and so on.

And if somebody wants to sell his land in some village and give Rs 2-3 lakhs to some MP to become a Police Inspector... no problemo? Ani Inspector saheb lay kinuh na-khaa-wos tuh ghoos? The Mao Inc. is planning to buy the Madeshi MPs for 1 corore a piece. So why is Mr. Karki in Jail? Poor fellow or should we say... unlucky bastard!

According to our special classified bulletin from KGB (Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivaag), Mao Inc. is really making a killing in real-estate deals. The story is... Prachandu Uncle's Saala and his friends recently bought some land in Butwal. The price tag: Rs 23 corores (wow!)... but they paid off the Jagga-Dhani only Rs 14corores. And when the seller asked them the rest, they replied, "You want to live, don't you?" ... Stupid fellow... he should thank the Gods above that these Communist businessmen didn't just take the property and buried him somewhere in Chitwan!

And our Crown Prince is really living the good life... no, I am not talking about Paras. He is busy hanging out in Terai. I guess the people in the South are the only folks really wanting the Monarchy to make a comeback! What about the Northerners? Well, they are busy shooting arrows and dancing in circles in Tundikhel!

Prakash Dahal aka the Current Crown Prince (CCP) has partnered with the ex-Crown Prince's brother-in-law. What are they upto? Well, they are planning to open a casino in Hotel Vaishali. Slot business rey... And Mr. G's jwai-saheb better get some good people. Why is he hanging out with dance-bar girls?

Nothing wrong with having six dance-bar dancers around you. (maybe Mr. Singh can do some 'Zumba' and be fit-wit soniye or something.. but with them so much cash, entourage pani ali hi-fi bhaye hoonthyo ni ... hoina ruh? If I were to be his PA, I would be calling up Kim Kardashian or some Bollywood item numbers to give Mr. Singh, a good tase of high life or something. Maybe just call P. Diddy and ask him to show jwai-saheb how to have a good time!

And please... people, let's stop making fun of the Maoists! Prachandu Uncle is really in love with Dhulikhel. Hope he pays the bills @ them resorts where he hangs out whenever he needs some serious quality time!

We all know by now that our Kangaroos (Congressis), Unidentified Moronic Losers (UML) and the Pancheys are nothing but blood-sucking vampires but we never thought the so-called Revolutionaries , the Mao Inc. would be such great players... and hip-hop lingo ma chahi, how do our TV channels get hold of their mix-tapes... before it was MC Prachandu and his 'We just really rolled them UNMIN beaches didn't we?' single and now we have Mr. Mahara and his 'Chinaman, give me 500million so that we can dimsum them Madeshis' song!

The Maoists blame the whole world for all their troubles. So let us all give them a break.... we hope they do give us a 'big bang' natak they have been promising us all along... We need the Maoists back in power so that Kathmandu ko jagga price will be more expensive than New York or Tokyo or Mumbai and maybe the Crown Prince can partner with Donald Trump and Jwai-saheb can hang out with Miss Universe Contestants!

Ajuh lai yeti nai, jai hos!