Thursday, April 29, 2010

Vodka & Cellphones!

Never play with your cell phone when u r drinking Vodka! No, it wasn't Lenin or Hemingway who said that but I discovered this today! I read somewhere that Vodka is the best drink in town because even if you drink a gallon, nobody will know because it has no smell!

Well, I guess Nepali Vodka are made differently.... because even if I drink a peg and go home, my family knows that I have some alcohol in my system. And all these years, I thought lwaang-sukmel could take away them 'cig-breath' but my mother can predict the exact time (in seconds!) when I had my last cigarette!

Was drinking my usual 'Vodka & Sprite'.... did try lotsa 'RedBull, Cranberry, whatever' combo but Nepal ko Sprite is still dah best! I might be suffering from Parkinson's because my brain and my right hand maybe out of sync! I have always been good @ talking, drinking and shaking my hand (like them gaadi ko wiper!) and then spilling my drinks on some hot woman sitting next to me!

And this was my lucky day.... She was wearing shorts! But somehow my cell phone took the brunt of vodka-spill (worse than them oil-spill) , so only 27.22% landed on her thigh! My brain was telling me to pick up the cell phone and start cleaning it up but my right hand (the usual suspect) decided to take 12 napkins and started rubbing her thigh.... (well .. I was trying to clean the mess but she thought otherwise!)

I thought I was being a gentleman.. I was sacrificing my so-called 'daami' cellphone for a lady but as always, it got lost in translation... or misjudgement of my actions! Now, I have a cell phone that seems to go into a coma now and then and the worse part... a hot woman who has now probably txt-ed half of KTM about how I am a pervert who likes to grab a woman's thigh within 43 seconds of meeting her!

Next tyam, I am drinking hot chocolate!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Schools Shutdown....Why?

I don't know where you get your local news but I get it from the local 'Chiya' Pasal where them 'Conspiracy Theorists' hang out! Do you want to know why all them schools are closed in the Valley? It's only because the Maoists would like to use them halls and classrooms for their 500,000 angry young men (& women!) who are travelling to KTM for the 'Final Battle' live concert from May 1st!

And them vegetable prices have gone off the roof and we have to thank them Maoists once again... 500,000 lai khana tuh dinai paryo... so Kathmanduites, be prepared... buy like a truck-load of Wai Wai and stay home!

According to the local tole-ko economist (the guy did his I.Com back in the 70s!) the daily kharcha for the 'final battle' concert series is around 5-6 corore Rupees rey. And who's footing the bill? Them loyal supporters of Mao Inc. ... and they are contributing voluntarily without threat of imminent death! Yes, that's what Prachu Uncle is saying and we believe him!

So is this it? Is this the final match... I don't think so! If things do really get out of hand and the Maoists successfully climb Mt. SingaDurbar then Prachu Dada will tell us 'I told you so...' and if it fizzles out then he will say... 'we were just planning a peaceful thing .... so no worries, better luck next tyam!'

Yes, everything about the Maoists is piece-full! Ek Ek Piece gardai ... full pie nai khaaney bhayo.. kaamRed haroo lay... Hamro neta haroo lay jindagi kaam gareko bhaye po .. uni haroo lai thaha hooncha.. kati dukha cha 100 rupaiya kamaunuh...!

So let us all wish good luck to our Mao brothers .... Final Countdown bhanney geet timro Ipod/Iphone ma save gari halnoo...and good luck to our so-called government... and who cares about the Constitution and Desh Bikas... and where are them Civil Society clowns now? Sabai khat muni torchlight baaldai comics padera basi-rakheko hola bajiya ruh baijya-ni haroo!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Pe(e)ople's War...again!

Are we ready for the so-called Jana Andolan III? Nepal ko political natak pani Rambo ko film jastai hoona lagyo.. baba! Our Maocummies have closed down them schools. Great Job guys! I guess they really don't want our kids to study... after all 'we don't need no education'.... ABCD padera kay garnay.... fokatay ko bhaasaan ruh dhoonga haaney neta haroo lay timro Msc degree lai yeti kai chapa-yera khai-dincha!

If the problem is in Singha Durbar then why don't u guys burn dem place down.. ni! Or maybe they just want to organize another Woodstock-like 'Red Carnival' for their comrades! After all morale tuh boost garnai paryo.... maybe they could save sum $$$ (and not go around extorting again!) if they had only asked the Indian Embassy for a container of 'Boost'.... and yes, Boost is the secret of my energy. Viagra khaney bela ma muh bewakoof chahi Boost nai khai rahechoo!

If the Maoists are against Raja-Rani then why is Gyanu Uncle still getting pocket money? The Mao Inc. could have set a better example for all of us if they had said 'No' to them Capitalist perks! Baroo micro-sicro chadera office gaako bhaye... ali kati bhaye pani carbon foot print ho ki kay bancha ni... ghat-thyo hola ni?

Close down them schools, ani hospitals ani sabai sano tino byapaar-syapaar... and bore us with your 'anti-indian' BS.... America lay China lai HR ko barey ma gaali garey jastai ho... of course Hami pani sano tino America nai ho .... 1840 AD ko paala ma jastai! Amrikan haroo Chinese ping pong ruh bat kinchan... hami tuh hamro desh ko oxygen nai Desi haroo batuh kinchau!

I am really looking forward to May 1st.. will be out on the street, punching on my Chinese Calculator.... eating some Chinese fried rice , taking pictures with my Chinese I-Fone... eating White Rabbits (not the animal... tyo chocolate cha ni... hamro baccha ko bela ma school ma 1st ayo bhaney paunay mithai.. heheh)... aba Chinese Mountain Byak pani koodau-thiye tara mora haroo lay tyo pani baaki chod-dainuh!

So comrades, please don't pee on us! We are the people (who cares?)... if you really want to break all Box-Office records then why don't you guys kill each other... after all that's what Mobsters do! Leave us bystanders alone... We just want batti so that we can watch Indian Idol, high-speech Internet access so that we can use Facebook, download movies and twit-Skype-blog @ the same time and we want paaani....... so that we can take a shower once in a while!

But then recent medical study bhancha 'lognay manchey ko kaaakhi ko gandha lay naari haro x-ually attract hooncha rey! Lau Ja... aba yo '500' days of Summer ma muh chahi shower linay wallah chaina... I am McLovin this 'climate change' thang... hamro desh ko chahi 'political' climate change hoonuh thulo bhookampuh nai aunoo parcha!

But thanks comrades.... Rolpa lai chahi Kathmandu hoina... Kathmandu lai chai Rolpa banaunay sapana bokeko maaa! So Makune..... just give that stupid chair to the Buffalo-milk-drinking Karisma-Manandhar-ko-film loving, former US AID worker another chance to buy some Indian hair dye products.... How about Godrej Kesh Kala?

Baroo Maobaadi sarkaar ma ayo bhaney.. pheri Jagga ko Vow badcha rey..... after all ... tyetro lootay ko paisa... invest garnoo nai paryo... ni.... productive sector goli maaro... sabai ghar jagga .... ani khaney chahi kay.... tyehi Kathmandu ko Dhulo Mulo!

*** Babu Ram Daaktur Saheb lay kay sikyo India baatuh... ani Prachu Uncle khoob Chinese siklaa jasto garcha.... Chindia ko jastai economic reform hola bhaneko jhan deform garnay soor ma chan yee Cumraid haroo... Yee mora haroo lay bachha ma ramro sanga ABCD na-sikeruh ho.. Reform ruh Deform bhaneko haati ruh haati chaap chappal jastai hoina.... ni?

We rrrrr just another brick in da wall... tara hamro krantikaari harooo.. bhayeko wall pani bhatkayera.. sabai brick srick foo-taunay kaam matra garcha... aba chahi atti nai bhayo..baba!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Happy New Year!

Aaaaicch... Blog slog na-lay-khay-ko pani 4 mahina bhayecha.... so Happy New Year (both Angrez-wallah and Nayapaali as well) to all of you and your pariwar haroo!

What else is new? GPK is dead... Long Live the 'great' Hawaldaar Bajey.... and with due respect to all the Hawaldaars in the Police Force and to our priestly class as well! I am not going to miss him. I was just discovering 'how to play all by yourself and still have fun' when this man suddenly popped up in Kathmandu and then had all the fun like them kids @ a candy store!

We can all talk about all them scams and what not but today... I would like to honor this fella ... well , like everything else in my life... I am late as usual but who cares? I don't.. so let's get started!

GPK was a Maoist even before our Maoist .... ,it's like this guy was a metro-setro sexual even before some Jewish guy working for a fashion magazine came up with that term. I don't know why I am blaming a Jew.... I don't live in them Middle East but them Hasidic-Jew-ni haroo ko seto anuhaar ra laamo laamo jaama lay mero heart-rate nikkai badau-thyo tyo jawanama jaba ma Brookly ma euta Chinese fashion label ma kaam garthay..... No I was not a designer, Prabal Gurung is good at that.. I spent my three months, eating 'Free Chicken-Lai' before Mr. Lee figured out that I was never good at selling his Chinese Jeans to some Mr. Tebow in South Dakota!

Let's get back to GPK! GPK is the granddaddy of them Maoists. We have to thank our comrades for blowing all them bridges, schools and towers and whatever and not to forget them looting and shooting... but GPK and his friends hijacked a plane (back in them days) and made off with 30 million Rupees (tyeti bela ko!).... Now that's what we call the 'Godfatherly Kaam'.... Chornoo nai cha bhaney ekai choti karod sarod chornay ni, bekkar ma 10-20 lakh chordai , bank sank padkaunay kina?

And the Maoists couldn't top him with their natak because GPK had already managed to run (R)NAC to the ground ... aba plane slane nai chaina kaha bata hijack garthyo tuh.....

Sheet.... I thought I could do a 8,000 words ko tribute thing but I have to run now... no, I don't do 'midnight jog' anymore.. it's not safe in Nepal... Raati tuh chor bhanda pani Nepal ko Police sanga darau-noo parcha.... It's my day to make some coffee soffee for the family... tyaspachi kukoor lai bathroom break ma lanchoo, ani euta churot tannchu ani facebook ma mafia wars khelchu....

BTW, Sashi bro should have stayed back in NY with his UN kaam ........ India ko Politics ma twitting switting kaam chaina..... Laloo salloo haroo lay Tharoor jasto lai tuh Thooorrrooooo kamaidincha ni!

Good night.... God bless and let's wait until end of May ... for our new Constitution... hehehe... now tyasko barey ma tuh koora garna baaki nai chaa... luh paani umliyo.. 4-5 cup coffee banaunoo parcha,.... ghar ma pani tuh roundtable discussion hooncha ni!