Sunday, March 29, 2009

Enemy @ the Gate!

Went to Pashupati today... and handed Rs 101 to the pujari. The holy priest put the money in his shirt pocket. I hope Lord Shiva gets a piece of the pie! Got tika on my forehead from an one-armed Baa-jey. I hope God is watching...

For ordinary folks like us, we have to park our vehicles few hundred meters away from the main gate but if you are a Minister then you can break all the rules and drive straight to heaven!

The Cops were busy saluting the minister's wife. Yes, in Nepal... You have to make the Mantri-ni happy or else your work (whatever it may be) won't get done!

Our ministers have lotsa free time. At 11 in the morning, when one should be busy in his ministry, the Hon'ble minister and his family is visiting the Holy Temple! I don't know what our ministers are up to but they are busy with paath-pujas! Jai Ho!

National Games coming soon... I think we should ask our Youth Force, the YCDL and other 'political' gangsters to decide their fate by playing a game of football. The winner takes all the government contracts and the losers will have to make tea and samosa and feed the street children until the next National Games!

Went to saathi ko baccha ko pasni. Where does all the money come from? When this kid turns 16 then her parents will probably invite the whole 'Empire Circus' crew from India and maybe spend few crores! Maybe MTV will come to Nepal for their "Super Sweet 16" natak!

8 months to go. Still going on blind dates as if the world is going to end in 2011! I have asked Lord Pashupatinath to either strike me with lightning or hook me up with a nice lady so that I can finally settle down!

If nothing works out in the next 240 days then I will have to take the traditional route. But that's not bad either.... it's not like in our grandfather's days where you didn't even see your bride's face until the day you got married.

Nowadays you get to see her face, take her out for coffee, movies, lunch ... and hear her 'You know... I already have a boyfriend' story. If you have a boyfriend and you want to spend the rest of your life with Prince Charming then you should tell your parents.... 'Folks... I am seeing someone, don't bring some 'Ogre' and tell me to go out on a blind date with him!'

At least... when you call me an 'Ogre' ... please tell that behind my back not when I am drinking tea with your father in the living room! I know I am not 'Aamir Khan' material but just because I am not good @ txt msging doesn't mean I am Old School!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Turn Off the Light?

Earth Hour 2009! Did you turn off your lights? Well... If this was a competition then Nepal would be #1... Yes, we did it ... Amigos! Our Western 'Earthly' beings asked us to turn off the lights from 8:30pm - 9:30 pm local time.

But my neighborhood was ready. We started this so-called 'Global Election' thing from 4 in the afternoon and it lasted till midnight! We should thank the Nepali government for really planning this event before hand.

And who said our leaders don't have any vision or insight? We have been turning off the lights for 16 hours a day. We, Nepalese are the only folks who are actually leading this 'Save Earth' campaign!

Now, we are also conserving water. We are cooking food in as little water as possible. We have managed to master the art of washing our faces and brushing our teeth with only a glass of water! And by next month, we will move into the next level... a glass of water will be enough for a normal shower!

This will really help our tourism industry in 2011. Visit Nepal... and Save Earth! And our Nepali businessmen in China should stop sending us trousers (size 34 and 36 only!) and instead ask the Chinese to make 28 million Helmet [with] Lights powered by some kind of a solar thing!

And we could set a Guinness World Record if we all put on our helmets, turn on the light and stared @ the moon. Then what? Drink Guinness Stout and sing some Irish folks songs! If anyone wants to lead the parade and dress up like a (female!) Leprechaun then please give me a call! My number is 39,367,750,908 divided by 1-9!

p.s. Okay, female leprechauns do not exist but there's no harm in trying to picture a Nepzie Girl in black latex catsuit! Thanxs Miss SP for giving me your number with that division natak... And next time, please don't give me your Daddy's number. Please do teach him some Yoga stuff... he needs to bring down his BP or else!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Return of the Tab-ayes!

Back in the 90s... it was all about the Alphabets. Either you were drinking P(hensydyl), smoking G(anja) or swallowing N(itrosun). And if you took P-G-N at the same time then you would probably see Kurt Cobain, Lord Shiva and Charles Manson having coffee in Seattle without flying to Amrika!

Now... all our young junkies are called 'Tab-ayes'... and our young 'rebels' are now busy snatching 'soon ko mala' and 'kaan ko top' from the ladies... sometimes in the broad daylight but mostly during early evenings and thanks to loadshedding... business is booming!

And our Nepal police and the 'cultural' police (YCL) are doing their own thing! The people in the neighborhood are doing their own thing as well. Everybody is bitching and whining but nobody wants to form some kind of a neighborhood watch thing because... they are all waiting for the government to do something.

It's all about the money... folks would rather drink a bottle of Whisky and khasi ko masu but don't want to contribute to building a small 'Community' Police post. The YCLs have stopped beating up local gangsters and small-time crooks! They are busy fighting the YFs.

It's now much safer to walk around Hunts Point, Bronx (never got mugged or shot at!) than in your local neighborhood. A young College kid was robbed @ 6 in the morning. Our 'tab-aye' bhai punched him in the face and took of with the guy's bag and shoes.

Okay, I can understand the shoes... you need good running shoes for KTM streets but what is he going to do with the kid's college textbooks? Sell it to the Chana-Chatpat guy so that customers can eat in an environmentally friendly recycled paper-plates?

And what's up with Jason Mraz? Was drinking @ a bar and the girl next me was listening to Jason Bro. Then went to my usual 'weekly Poker' place and the guy next to me was listening to the same stuff.

And maybe our 'Tab-aye' brothers are listening to the same album...'We Sing, We Dance and We Steal Things' .... yes, I have been trying to tell this lady... 'I'm yours' but 'bujhney lay kura na-bujhey pachi'.... then kasko bau ko kay lagcha!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

What's up P?

We have all heard stories about the former Crown Prince, Paras Sarkar… and now our new Crown Prince, Prakash Sarkar is in the news! If we had started that ‘Thermal Power’ thing then we wouldn’t have had to deal with this load shedding natak. Okay, it would have cost us more… but it would also have helped Prakash and his friends to make billions of Rupees!

According to our Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, Paras was a good man… when he was sober! But when he got drunk then you either had to hide or just run away! Prakash Dahal is also a good man. When he gets drunk, he doesn’t go around town, beating people up or running over somebody. Our man, Prakash likes to just sit on a chair and sleep!

The folks @ Nepal Samachar Patra are either brave or just stupid. If our PM’s son wasn’t going around, trying to get his entourage drunk then why the hell would our ‘two-peg’ journalists write such BS! Yes, our Nepali journalists would rather head to the buffet table and drink like a fish but sometimes they do their job.

Everything is expensive these days…. So just two pegs of whisky is not enough to buy our patrakar folks!

After all, you can make up stories about the former Royals and get away with it but when it comes to the Maoists, you better watch your back or else 40+ comrades will play football. And it’s not a good thing when the football is YOU!

I don’t know what’s going to happen next… but our patrakars are pretty lame compared to our British brothers. If only we had brave folks like them British tabloid-wallahs then we would have footage of Prachandu drinking buffalo milk and GirijaBabu smoking and drinking … and what not!

We all have our vices. I am a black sheep of the family. Okay, it’s not something to be proud of but we can’t blame our parents for the way we turn out to be. And this ‘When you can’t take care of your son then how can you take care of the country?’ joke is so 19th century!

Gyanendra Shah is a businessman. He is the only Nepali guy who could fool the Marwaris. Okay, he didn’t give a dime to Paras but that doesn’t mean Gyanu Uncle is a bad man! Prachandu Uncle is trying his best… he’s been running around to local cultural festivals, football matches, exhibitions and what not.

Our Home minister is busy… doing nothing but our poor PM is busy meeting the Tharu Folks, the Madeshis, Muslims, Jan-Jaatis… local village folks who decide to do a bandh and the list goes on and on. Our PM is now like a Ward Chairman. So, please don’t blame him if his son likes to get drunk and fall asleep in hotels!

We hear stories about Prakash Dahal making millions … he is now our ‘Zardari’ … Mr. 10% but give him a break. If Paras can buy a Harley Davidson then Prakash should get a chance to buy a Haathi (elephant!)… if Paras still fantasizes about bedding Manisha Koirala then we should let Prakash Dahal fantasize about Jharana Bajracharya.

Paras is now planning to get into this ‘Golf Resort’ business in Singapore or Malaysia. Prakash should enjoy the perks of being a computer operator @ the PM’s Office! Enjoy while you can… because all good things come to an end!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Iron Gate?

According to our Nepali newspapers, 400,000 + young folks are now staring @ the IRON GATE! KTM is #1 again with more than 27,000 students taking their SLC exams whereas in Manang, only 27 students will be doing their 'Iron Gate' dance!

I think the 'SLC' time is a nice time to promote domestic tourism as well as provide opportunities for our urban kids to get to know the 'other' Nepal. So, if we can send 27,000 capital-kids to Manang then it would be a good business for the mountain folks and also encourage the city slickers to stay back for another three months (while they wait for their results) and do some social work or something!

And what about them 27 young ones from Manang. We can show them around KTM and they would be so pissed off with them traffic congestion, pollution, water shortages and all them city nataks, that they would promise themselves that they would rather live in Pokhara than visit this 'Hell-hole' ever again!

We have saved 27 folks from buying new mo'bikes, vehicles, building houses and what not ... Yes, We Can.. save 27 souls from ... Livin' La Vida Loca in Kathmandu! Who the @#$! would want to live this crazy life... ?

One thing we can learn from them Peace Corps-wallah... is... eating daal-bhaat with our hands ... (the correct way?...) And also speaking 'fluent' Nepali than the Baajey from Sanskrit University!

Okay, we don't have them Amriki Peace Corps volunteers anymore but our SLC students can do much more for Nepal than what our Maobaddies and all them Cong-Com-King-Baddies have/had promised to do! Yes, every year ... 400,000 young 'Iron Gate Climbers' can contribute something for three months!

Even teaching village kids 'Livin La Vida Loca' is a good start. You don't have to teach them how to make socket bombs and hand-to-hand combat... do you?

Good luck to all our SLC students... today's exam : English! I have read more than 163,223 novels so far but my friends tell me that my Angrezi is as good as a 5th Grader. I don't know if that's an insult or a compliment! But I know that I am not smarter than a 5th Grader!

Lord, I have a confession to make... if I had not cheated on my Optional Math and Compulsory Math exams then I would still be hanging outside the Iron Gate! I think I would be competing with our Uncle (he is 64!) who is trying to get through the gate for the 11th time! Good Luck to him as well!

P.S. Baajey = member of the priestly class and NOT 'whatever u thought it meant!'
Mountain folks = ppl who live up there and not 'whatever u thought it meant!'

Monday, March 23, 2009

World Water Day?

What did you do yesterday? Nothing... but our NGOs, INGOs and government folks were all busy celebrating 'WORLD WATER DAY'. And I would like to say 'Thank U very much' ... for spending them dollars on posters, rallies and nautanki newspaper advertisements.

And our Hon' minister, Bijaya 'I got only one eye' Gachedar is going to solve this problem. When? By 2017 A.D. or roughly 8 years after (your) death ... if you happen to die tomorrow!

No electricity... no problem! No water... then very very big problem! You need water to a)wash your hands b) cook bhaat c) make tea d) and nearly everything else. You can still get away with one shower a week (if you are French then a month will do!) but you have to have clean socks and a shirt or something.

Talking about socks... you don't want to go to a restaurant where u got to take off your shoes and just act like the 'smell' is coming from the Bagmati River. Well if you go to a Korean place then ... maybe that's okay ... just order a bucket full of Kimchee!

I think it would be easier to walk all the way to Mexico and then make a 100 mile desert-run into the US of A than the water from Melamchi finally getting into KTM Valley! I have no idea what I am talking about.... but if you do get to Amrika then you won't have to worry about paani. You can take shower every hour for the rest of your life!

And here in KTM, the capital of 'Nepal'... taking a nice 'normal' shower might be once in a life time opportunity! Why? The way our netas are fighting with each other... who really has the time to think about them water, electricity, baato-ghaato problems?

Even the Water-tanker wallahs are busy providing us with 'khola' ko paani and you must have seen them KTM ko khola-naala! When are we going to stand up for our rights? Sorry... we're Nepalese! We care about the big stuff like 'Republic' and all this 'federalism' stuff... Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!

That's great but can we have some water, Please! Paani pani pardaina... it's been a week since aakash ma gadyang-goo-doong but no paani purring! God.. let it rain, now clear it out...(I just want my) chicken-noodle-soup with a soda on the side!

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Factory!

When I was 12, the 'carpet factory' was the rage. Everybody had their own carpet factory and late in the evening, you either had to sleep with earplugs or listen to beautiful songs sung by taan-bunneys!

Then the 'taxi' wave hit KTM! Everybody in the neighborhood had their own taxi kumpaniz. Then came the 'pashmina' natak. Everybody wanted to make millions by sending our 'beautiful' pashmina stuff to Macys and all them Amriki stores!

Then the 'co-operative' movement began. You started with a small savings thing , and later expanded to a 'finance' company and then you moved to a full-fledged 'A' class Bank.

Well, in the past few years... our young folks are getting into the 'restaurant' business and looks like it will certainly go the 'carpet/taxi/pashmina' way! After all, we are all chasing the same crowd. Not many of us can afford to dine out everyday and those who can don't like to go to the same place!

Customer service sucks and so does customer loyalty... but it's not like the 90s where Bakery Cafe and Nanglo was the only place to be. We now have more than 150 coffee shops! It will take another 100 years before everyone starts eating Apple Pies and Brownies everyday .... how about a Momo-pie instead?

There is this new place in town... 'The Factory' . According to Khukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB), three young dudes got together and decided to spend 2+ crore Rupees to make it a happening place! They have even hired an Indian Chef for three months. His price : Rs 10 lakhs! Wow!

The only problem is that it's in Thamel. Opening a hip place in Thamel is like opening a 'diner' in Chinatown. Either you have to pay or be friends with the Triads! In this case, you better be friends with the 'Manang-ey' people or one day, somebody is going to show up and trash the place!

Yes, that's the way it's been. If you are in Maharajgunj then 'Chakrey' dada and his friends would do the same stuff. It's nothing personal... it's just Business! I hope nobody trashes this place. I hope it makes money.

The crowd was 90% desis or Nepali marwaari families. You can't blame them... they have the dough but they will only drink Lassi! The young Desi crowd was okay. They were drinking more than just Lassis and there were few young Nepali businessmen and their GFs.

The GFs were talking about Vogue and all them fashion stuff and the boys were talking about whatever was written in last month's Forbes and Fortune magazines!

And I was just drinking, smoking and trying to figure out how these guys will get their money back! Maybe they don't want it back but the Nepali owner and his Russian girl (pahila ko Ruski Ambassador ko chori rey!) were really working hard, running here and there!

And the other two marwaari partners were ... I don't know ... busy drinking lassis?

Our tourist folks wouldn't want to hang out @ this place. They like Sam's bar, Tom & Jerry's because that's where they want to be . They already have better clubs where they came from... they would rather hang out @ a place , which looks like a broken down class room , somewhere along the trekking route!

And I don't think 'The Factory' folks are targeting them... they want the Nepali 'paisa-waal' crowd. And hope them 'paisa-wallahs' will continue to visit this place!

I wish these people Good Luck. Hope they do good business and make money so that they can open another 'Factory' ...

The Cops finally showed up @ 12... the jawans were busy blowing their whistles as if it was a soccer game and the players weren't listening to the referees!

Thanks to Bam Dev, the half-face joker... there is no night-life in KTM! So folks, it's about time ... we all get together and start working... drinking @ The Factory!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Student Elections!

Dandi Biyo is not the national game of Nepal. It may have been years ago but 'politics' is the game and our 'Student Politics' is not that different from the national scene. Our big netas were busy visiting Campuses nationwide. What for?

Okay, Elections @ more than 160+ Sarkaari Campuses nationwide but our leaders have time to go around the schools and make 'crazy' speeches but nobody has the time to discuss about this 'new' constitution thing!

I don't know but it's the same deal. Our politicians don't give a damn about the people. And our Student leaders don't really give a rat's arse about the students. It's all about ... I don't know, making money?

When Gagan Thapa was drinking tea and eating Aloo-chop @ Tri-Chandra, he was also busy sending his friends all around the world for so-called 'Youth' conferences. And according to our Sources, he did get his chiya kharcha!

Okay, let' s not talk about Gagan Thapa. Girija will die soon, Deuba will form his own 'Cong-Crazy' party again and our Gagan bro can also form his own gang. And then maybe he can hang out at Java and drink coffee and share his guff with another Gagan, the so-called 'Coffee' guy!

What about our young student leaders today? Not much has changed. Just like I would have voted for Sourabhee if I was not trying to save Rs 5+taxes with that SMS thing, I would have voted for Manushi if I was @ TU! Manushi is da bomb.

I am thinking of joining TU just for the sake of patta-eye-ing Manushi with my Guffs! Okay, I might end up @ Norvic with broken bones if I don't get shot by some Maoist Secret Service agents! Yes, Maam... I am also a member of the Come... You... ni? st party! Who isn't these days?

So what if the Mao-kiddies want to taste 'rajniti' ? ... panchey ko chora chori ahiley pani hero-heroni, kangressi and uml ko kids ... still living the good life. Give these Mao-kids a break... at least they are not hanging out @ so-called Clubs and drinking and enjoying the good life @ taxpayers expenses!

BTW... nothing wrong with drinking & dancing. You can spend your own money or your ancestor's wealth, anyway you like it. But with that 'ghoos-khori' money, 'Hamrai paisa khaye-ra, hami lai nai shaan na dekhauna yaar!'

And they are (Smart) Single & Maoists! I think we need to organize an S&M party. After all, they are always good @ this 'Whip me Up, Tie me Down' game! Sorry... got hit in the head yesterday!

The Government Campuses don't even need any classrooms. All they need is a big field for so-called 'Student' rallies. And maybe a canteen for our student leaders to hang out. What about the rest of the students? ... well, they can all stay home, study and wait for the Finals!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Nepali Court!

I have never been to a Nepali Adalat (Court)... until today and it was ... fun! A neighborhood punk was arrested for selling fake drivers license. Nepali Police may be corrupt, crazy and crooked (3Cs) but they do catch small-time crooks once in a while.

The ringleader went home after spending a day in jail and 55,000 rupees poorer! Our cops must have had a nice 'raksi with khasi' party that day!
Our young punkie spent another two weeks in local jail because the District Court was busy!

The Nepali Court Room is like a Campus Canteen. Well, the benches were similar and while the court is in session, lawyers barge in and out and chat with the Judge and talk about their cases.

Guys, can't you see... the Judge is busy but well, the Judge Uncle was busy writing and reading and doing other stuff, like picking his nose. It must be the new 'Yoga' stuff!

A young couple stood before the judge. They were smiling. They wanted to go separate ways. The judge let out a toothy grin. I don't know if he was wondering over the perfection of this young gal's figure or just finding it funny that these two people looked as if they were in love as they sought to end their six-month long marriage!

A truck driver was defending himself... he didn't realized that he had run over his khalasi until he heard that 'Kuh-Chyak' sound! Two real estate agents were shouting at their lawyers. I guess they felt they weren't getting a good deal. And the Cops were busy sleeping!

Our punkie brother is now out on bail. His poor father had to pay 4,000 Rupees and lawyer fees. If he didn't have the dough then he would have spent a year and half in Nakkhu Jail!

The Cops were smiling, 'Don't worry, you will be back!' ... our Mamas are funny blokes! The lil' fishes get eaten up but the shark (the ringleader!) will be back in business next week.

I did tell the father to send him to jail so his son could get free food and lodging for the next 18 months. You know, this mahangi ko jawana! Nakkhu Jail has basketball courts, good library and what not. If this Lad had gone to prison then he would have come out , a Matric Pass!

And if he repeats his natak few more times then after a decade... he will have a PhD in prison management! Yes, Daaktar Saheb... then who knows, get into politics perhaps!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Leaving KTM!

My friend is going to Australia. Well, everyone is going Down Under these days. And I didn't mean that sexually! He makes good money here in KTM. 60,000 Rupees is not bad. It's like in the top 10 percentile... I guess!

I made only 50,000 in the last 12 months! @#$!... if only I was a MCP (Member of the [M] Communist Party) then I would have made at least 4,600 plus benefits per month! I think that would be a little better!

He has had it with KTM. He wants to hang out with Kangaroos and drink FOSTER beer or something like that. His wife is a banker. Why the hell would they want to move to Australia? Well, one thing for sure, you can always watch them Australian Rules Football, drink FOSTER and shout 'Ozzie, ozzie, ozzie!"

We all have our own reasons for leaving... but if you are making decent money in KTM then I think you should stay back. What do I know? I have never made any money anywhere .... but if I move to Zimbabwe then I will be a Billionaire! Then I will invite you all to my pad.... probably a broken down hut with natural plumbing!

The western world is in an economic crisis! It must be tough for them khuires and hope my friends will get a decent job and of course, they won't have to worry about water and electricity problems. They can shower anytime they want... watch Zee TV in the middle of the night and not worry about 'no network coverage'...

But I am getting used to life in KTM! Waiting for Batti is more fun than a barrel of monkeys. I don't know what that's supposed to mean but I did hear one foxy lady saying 'it's better than an orgasm.. bacchu!' Okay! And all this while, I thought it was chocolates!

According to a recent newspaper report, many married couples are now getting it on than ever before! Aha! Thank loadshedding for something! Come next year, don't be surprised if you hear babies crying louder than them generators late in the evening.

Good luck to all our friends who are far far away or who are planning to move to another galaxy.

May the force be with you!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Rest in Peace !

My friend's father passed away this morning. He was only 60 and had surgery for his sinus problems few weeks ago. He should have rested well but he was always running around, trying to do something for the community. Street lights, neighborhood clean-ups, street maintenance ... the list goes on and on!

Few days ago, he had breathing problems and he was in the ICU for less than 48 hours and now he is gone.

My friend got married a month ago. At least his father lived to see his wedding. I went to Pashupati. As the funeral pyre was lighted, I looked around ... the Holy Bagmati river was now a dirty sewage. Street Kids were busy fishing for coins. Holy men were badgering the mourners.

Few of the Sadhus were drunk. We didn't know how to react. Some of my friends got into a shouting match. One of the Holy men looked at me and cursed. 'Tero pani palo chito aucha!'... Your time will come soon. What did I do?

Yes, we all have to die. When our number's up, it's up! But I don't know if it's a Nepali thing but the neighborhood is full of halla! There are people who blame my friend's wife. It's not her fault... why blame her for his death?

There are folks who are now spreading rumors that my friend's father was drinking heavily and he overdosed on medication or something.

Give him a break. He's dead... he's gone! He was a good man. I wish he had lived longer. He was very supportive of the idea of building a children's park in the neighborhood.

No open spaces left in KTM... but we will build a children's park ... it may take a while but we will have to do it for the children and for my friend's old man... to keep working to make the neighborhood beautiful even if people talk shit about us and try to ruin the good things we can do together!

May his soul rest in peace!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Football with Sourabhee?

Wanted to go to Jawlakhel Ground to see Sourabhee, our Nepali Babu and the other gal from Indian Idol. I even asked my bhanji to make me a 'Marry Me... Sourabhee' sign. She finally agreed after promising to give her a packet of Spout everyday for the rest of her life!

Her mother is going to kill me ... that means I won't be alive to see my bhanji's wedding!

Then there was this 'Prime Minister's Cup' organized by the Maobadi-sports people! God, I am so naive! And all this time, I though the Maobadis loved camping, playing with baroot, hacking arms and legs, extortion and what not!

They love football. Who doesn't? Only if we could settle our differences by playing a game of football then we wouldn't have all these bandhs and nataks! Anyways, Nepal 'Red' was playing in the Finals.

My friends were all ready with peanuts. Yes, eating peanuts and watching football is like ... I don't know... reading Kama Sutra and trying to play bed kung-fu ... for the first time! Forgive me... I am not good at analogies.

So I decided to kill two birds with one stone. Remember those Boy Scouts days? I was prepared! I had the big chart paper , professing my 'Shah Rukh' love for Sourabhee and a Nepali Football Team ko Jersey. First half for the Indian Idol and second for our football team!

Then I got a call from my friend. His father was in the ICU. I canceled my plans and went to the hospital. The ICU door had a big notice plastered on it. 'Please deposit 50,000 Rupees'.... that's like 600+ Amriki dollars!

If only my friend's father was a big-time neta, then he wouldn't have to worry about medical bills. He would be flown to Bangkok or Delhi... would have received the best medical attention in the world.

The old man was on a ventilator. The nurses were busy chatting about Indian Idol and other stuff. The doctor didn't have much to say. The patient was suffering from pneumonia and they were doing their best to stabilize him. I spent the rest of the afternoon with my friend.

We talked about our fathers, land prices in KTM and how we won't be able to buy not even an anna of land even if we work for another 50 years. We talked about how our wives would get along with our parents. Well, he just got married a month ago and I guess, I am 'the last of the Mohicans' left!

I thought about my father. I have never been a good son. I have always squandered all the opportunities my parents have given me. But they still love me... and hope someday, I will grow up and be my own man!

I don't know if that day will ever come but my prayers to all the fathers who have always done the best they could so that their children would have a better life!

p.s. Sourabhee rocked KTM, Nepal 'Red' won the game... and hope my friend's father recovers soon!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Separate Ways !

Just got done with the 'Wedding season'... too much chillo snacks, raksi and still haven't found a woman to spend the rest of my life with. During them Wedding parties, you can be drunk, hit on the opposite sex and act like a clown and still get away with it.

But if you continue to do this natak in 'non-wedding' parties then you are a pervert, psycho and everything else, the Nepali Moms don't want their Sons to be! I am happy for all my friends who have decided to jump into this 'marriage' bandwagon stuff. Good luck and best wishes!

Before shaadi, it's all about promises ... and after Shaadi, it's about compromises! Yes, both of them will have to make adjustments but it must be tough for the ladies. You have to go to a new house, get along with your in-laws, be a good wife, sister, daughter-in-law and what not.

Well, let's just come to the point. You have to be Durga, Sita, Saraswati ... all rolled into one!

And what about the ledas..sorry... boys? You can be yourself and the neighborhood greets you as if you have just come back from the Second World War, winning a Victoria Cross or something!

Some marriages don't work out. And folks begin their 'blame game'... 90% of the time, it's the woman's fault! The guy's low sperm count, infedility, drug use and all other nautanki nataks will be forgiven and forgotten but if the woman dances with her Salsa instructor then it's over!

A friend of mine is going separate ways after 7 good(?) years of married life. Where did they go wrong? I don't know but Kathmandu is Hallai Halla ko place! The guy loves to drink, likes to go out with other women and sometimes doesn't come home during the weekends!

I don't blame his wife. I really wish her a good life ahead and maybe a better partner who will give her all the happiness she desires. And for this guy, well... this is Nepal, let's not feel sorry for him.

His mother will find him another woman. And I hope, this new woman will give him some kind of a competition. And hope she likes to drink, hang out with other men and goes hiking during the weekends then our poor Auntie will be left alone... looking for answers somewhere in Pashupati.

Nothing wrong with drinking in moderation, having friends and hiking but at least try to save your marriage and make it work than just calling it quits. Yes, I should quit smoking.

And no more laptop heat for me, I don't want to lower my sperm count and then blame it on someone else! But guys, give it one more try and see if it works out. If it does then we will see u @ your 25th Wedding Anniversary!

If not... then what can we do? If Allah wants it this way then that's way it's going to be!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Holi in Delhi?

Why do our so-called leaders go to Delhi? Because they want to play some holi! We must really give it to these guys. Millions of us get shitty medical care here in Nepal but our leaders go to India for their so-called health check ups!

And who foots the bill? Yes, you are @#$!ing right! It's us -- the taxpayers! Okay, we may not file them so-called income taxes like in them Amrika but our paani, electricity, telephone, restaurant .... ko bills help our netas get sicker each day!

And our political leaders (you don't have to be a Maoist!) get free vehicles, security, petrol , medical benefits and what not and we, the people are busy either burning tyres and blocking the highways or just shaking our heads in disbelief and trying to get on with our lives, no matter how hard it gets!

Gyanu Uncle's India trip has become a big issue here in Nepal. For folks like us, we just want electricity so that our mobiles will work and at least brush our teeth or take a shower once in a while! But for our nautanaki netas, it's time to play the 'conspiracy games' ...

Dr. BRB should be happy with his 'pay taxes or die' game and not worry about Gyanu and his so-called dream of another shot of 'Royal' stag ! Joon Jogi Aye pani kaan nai chireko or something like that! I think it's a Nepali thing. We love to complain. We complain about the government's inefficiencies while our leaders complain about each other.

And our politicians can't make their own decisions. They have to go to Delhi and make the Desis happy or else... we all know the story. It's the same episode since the 50's... it's just the same story, only different actors! And we must be one of the biggest fools to believe that the story will have a happy ending!

Folks... those whom we have elected have always betrayed us and will continue to do so until we ... I don't know! I just want some batti so I can watch 'Desi comedy' . Can't blame the netas only... We love them Desi movies, music and what not but we just hate India!

And our leaders enjoy giving BJs to the Desis and then they come back home and do this 'Oh! Damn them Indians' natak. C'mon, guys... quit playing around!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Shutdowns !

Terai shutdowns, private schools shutdowns... it's about time we had a bandh in KTM as well. I hope Bam Dev is doing some Ram Dev for his face. Thank God... half of his face is paralyzed whereas the whole Terai is paralyzed from top to bottom!

Bam Dev started out with a bang. He must have studied Mullah Omar's biography or something. Closing down Thamel @ 11 has not made life difficult for the business-wallahs. We are Nepalese... we know how to get around the loopholes.

Thanks to the Maobadis, business folks have to pay triple taxes. If you are a marketing manager working for an adult entertainment film company then this is what you would call a 'triple penetration'... u got to pay the government taxes then pay off the cops and give a little something to the YCLs and then pay off Deepak's boys from Kavre!

Okay, that makes it four... Superfecta! Only if you knew which parties would need how much, then life would have been easier for our bar owners but it all depends on the weather. In Nepal, we don't know which way the wind blows. Some days, the cops get to eat the whole cake, sometimes it has to be shared with everyone else and that makes all of them miserable!

Bam Dev's natak has made life 'for taxi drivers, momo-wallahs, one-rack grocery stores' a living hell. Business is down by 80%. It's always the little people who get @#$ed in the arse and the big ones know how to bend the rules and still make some money along the way.

Private schools are closed today. PABSON folks say 'No to 5% EST' ... the government says 'Don't make me come and kick your arse' and the students are pissed that 'they have to go to school on Saturdays' to make up for it.

And in the next few years, all the private schools in Nepal will move to India and Desi airlines will make tons of money because terai shutdowns will make it difficult for KTM parents to travel by road!

No water, no electricity... but life goes on... long after the thrill of living is gone! Oops... where did this come from? We need two volunteers who are willing to give up their lives for a good cause. Any takers? No! This is not Sri Lanka or New Delhi where people blow themselves or do a self-BBQ by lighting themselves up!

Yes... we can have one brave non-swimmer to dive into a Water Corporation ko pani tankie and another dude to be a 'city' Tarzan by showing his tricks by swinging from a high-voltage tower. Then we can all storm the NTC and NEA building and do a one-of-a-kind 'Burning Man' festival in KTM!

The two brave souls (women can also apply... let's make it an equal opportunity operation!) will get 10 lakhs from the government and if we push it a little further then we can have them declared Martyrs and maybe ask the local print shop to come out with T-shirts like the ones with Che!

God... I need some Prozac!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Nothing's changed!

Went to the Nepal Telecom Office to pay the Internet ko bill. The woman was busy talking with her colleagues and she didn’t have time to take care of the customers. I stood there for like 10 minutes before she even looked at me. Okay, I ain’t no Brad Pitt but Ma’am … can you please do your job?

I know it is a difficult job… typing in the customer’s phone number and printing out a receipt but I didn’t know drinking tea and talking about land prices in Kathmandu was part of the job description. Working for NTC must be fun. You get free phone, internet and thousands of shares.

Another ten minutes... she finally got done, I bowed as if I was presenting my credentials to the Queen of England!

I didn’t know Cricket was a violent sport. Yes, we have all seen the bowlers scratching their thing with them hard balls but getting attacked by Pakistani tribal brothers must have been a really scary experience for the guys from Sri Lanka.

What’s wrong with Pakistan? Never been there and don’t plan to go there anytime soon but when we were kids, the Pakistani serials on NTV were much better than the ones on DoorDarshan. They talked as if they were reciting poetries, looked more civilized and what not but that was then… I guess it’s a different story today!

Sourabhee and the other finalists are coming to Nepal. Finally, Indian Idol got its first female winner. That’s really great… I would have voted for her too. I don’t know if I can make it to the show on March 14th but the folks behind Indian Idol are making tons of money from Nepal.

According to Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, the Desis made more than a million dollars after they let Nepalis vote for Indian Idol contestants. Don’t be surprised if you see an Indian of Nepali origin reaching the final 3 every year on Indian Idol!

The PM is angry that he has to work from 5 in the morning till 8 in the evening and the media doesn’t give a @#$!. Well, if you had stuck with USAID then you would have been making more than 100,000 Rs a month by now but look at the bright side… you get to travel in fancy cars, huge security and your family are all employed and doing good at the taxpayers expense. The world is in an economic crisis … so just shut up and enjoy the ride!

Our Sarkari hakim sahebs are still living the good life. Not much has changed… government services haven’t improved a bit… it’s still like back in the 90s. The only good thing is that now we get to hang out inside the Narayanhiti Palace. It would have been much better if they bulldozed the place and made a huge parking lot or something?

How about a nice concert venue? Maybe, we can build a DisneyLand and we can get Desis and other folks from Shark (SAARC) countries bringing in the moolah rather than sending our money to the Indian Idol folks and our khuire folks taking home the dough from all that bungee-jumping natak!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Happy Wedding!

Is the world coming to an end? Then why are people getting married left and right... have been attending 2-3 weddings everyday and the 'party palace' high cholesterol snacks will probably send thousands of Kathmanduites to 'Sahid Ganglal' Heart Hospital next month!

And while the parents were busy talking with relatives they hate ... the kids were busy dancing to Akon's 'Na Na Na' . Must give it to the DJ... what's up with playing 'Don't u wish ur gf was hot like me?'

And the DJ's girlfriend was really hot but Saris does that to Nepali women! You can't go wrong with a Sari. Some girls look hot in shorts, some in pants but with Saris... it's like God made Sari him/herself so that women would look good and for Nepali men, God gave us 'eyes' the size of grapefruit so that we can ogle at the women!

And for MCPs ... don't feel bad , according to some mad scientist, a 10-minute ogle at the women's form is as healthy as half-an-hour work out in the gym. No, I am not making this up. Anyways, party palaces now charge like 450+ per plate. Weddings are expensive and I guess nobody is listening to the PM's address.

Yes, Maobaadi weddings are great... you get a lunch box (a banana is a must!) but you will have to listen to like two hour long 'revolutionary' speeches by a central committee member then a district member and the bride and the groom. If all of us did it this way then like the Narayanhiti, party palaces would also be national museums.

Let's get back to the wedding! Bird flu was flying like crazy... the party palace must have gotten 'em chickens on the cheap! 13 year olds were drinking beer and smoking near the bushes. And I felt like asking a woman sitting next to me ... to marry me right then and there! She smiled. Her teeth were perfect. She asked me if I was related to someone. I asked her where she worked out.

Then her husband came and sat beside me and said, 'I am lucky to be married to this woman' and I replied, 'I would have been much luckier if I had married her' and then he looked at me as if I pulled a 'Brutus' on him. God ... why don't you zip my lips? I need to visit a Shrink. Why do I always say the right things at the wrong time?

But I just don't get it. This man had a big belly, he was drunk like hell but his lady had like 'Madonna-biceps' and she could have given any Miss World a run for her money in the looks department. I guess ... opposites do attract! Lord... I know you work in mysterious ways but give me a sign!

My high school friends are getting married next week. I wish them all the best. May God give you good life, good children and a healthy love life. No big belly for the groom and may the bride remain beautiful forever. Nothing wrong with Botox for women and Liposuction for men!

And I need to see Dr. Upendra Devkota... just want to make sure my circuits are okay. I don't want to sound like a jerk everytime I open my mouth!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

No Sex Please !

Matrika Yadav is forming his own militia, while another Yadav (from the Nepali Kangaroos) is making love and not war. No Sex Please... We're British! Okay, we are happy that we were never colonized but when it comes to Sex ... even our CA members need a little something.

Thanks to the British, India still has the railroads and red light districts. Thanks to Jangey Dai, we have hiking trails all over the country and although the 'sex trade' generates more than all the foreign assistance Nepal receives, it is still 'illegal' ... but that won't stop our politicians from being naughty!

I think Dr. BRB should work with Bam Dev and tax the so-called 'illegal' sex industry. I hope our CA member was practicing safe sex ... otherwise it would set a bad example for the young people.

We can't blame this guy because when your name is Krishna then you are bound to go out looking for Gopinis. Okay, he paid for it but according to our law book.. there is nothing illegal going on.

According to the Police, Krishna Yadav was caught in a 'compromising position' ... was he playing ping pong upside down, wearing a space-suit? Whatever Yadav does, it's his business but it's not his fault.

He may think he was in the right place but at the wrong time but if he was that desperate then he should have called for an in-house visit.

If it was somewhere else then the politician would have resigned based on so-called moral grounds but here in Nepal, who gives a rat's arse? I hope our leaders can learn a thing or two from the Japanese. Yes, stab yourself in the stomach and bleed to death or just jump off Dharara!

The load shedding hours will go up from 16 to 20 hours a day by mid-march. Yahooo! Don't panic... we are getting there. When we reach 24 hours a day then we can all come out and have a grand BBQ party! And maybe 'Lover Boy' Yadav will not be caught again in another compromising position when it's too dark in there!