Monday, July 30, 2012

The Desi Connection

The Indian gurujis are now talking about our great comrades. According to them Desi master-sahebs, our great Emperor and Dr. Saheb had signed them written agreements with their masters in Delhi back in 2002 rey. Yes, our great 'changemakers' promised not to go 'anti-Indian' and the Desis decided to let them have some free roti and daal while they hung out in Noida.

So all this 'anti-Indian' nataks was just to fool the hardworking Nepalis hola ni. Whatever happened to the Maoists haroo ko 40-point demand? They wanted to ban them Hindi movies, kick out all them Desi companies from Nepal etiyaadi. Yes, ban all them Bollywood nataks and maybe ask them QFX wallahs to screen only European movies! And instead of Dabur (@#$! Chawanpras) and ITC (Surya Churot hoinuh Yak banaam baroo!) making tons of money, we should probably invite everyone else except the dosa and dumpling gangs.

Yes, I do love them Bollywood 'masala' movies and hot pot places in Thamel are pretty good but if we can ban all Chindia investors then we won't have to worry about pissing off these two so-called superpowers. Them Vikings are giving us millions of dollars for them peacebuilding nataks and of course someday... they really want to make some money from our paani. Baroo uni haroo lai nai dim nuh sabai hydropower banau-ney kaam! Let them Scandinavians make billions or trillions and we can all get batti for free. 

Dr. Saheb tells our patrakars that he doesn't want to be another 'Janga Bahadur'.  We know that Mr. Smarty Pant! But maybe he should pass another ordinance hola. How about some kind of 'PhD only' law ani only Dr. Sahebs can be Prime Monsters or something! I think that would probably disqualify all of us hola.

We will have a new CA again unless Gyanu Uncle smokes some hash and decides to hang out with Baidya and start another so-called jungle book story! I hope our so-called civil society wallahs will not only stop at getting back them government vehicles from our VVIPs. I think our so-called buddhi-jivis should also demand some kind of a term limit for our politicians.

I think we should have them age ceiling pani. Our incompetent civil sevants (masters!) have to retire at 58 or 30 years of service.... jun chahi pahila huncha kyaaruh. I think we should have the same thing for our so-called chor netas pani. Either you get out of politics by 58 or if you were smart enough to be a party member at the age of 14 then you better hurry up and be a mantri before 44 or your time is up kya!

And when it comes to our mantris and pradhan-mantris .. we should have a two-term limit. It doesn't matter if our stupid clowns get them  majority or join the looting bandwagon by forming them coalition governments. If we had term limits then Govinda Raj Joshi would not have become mantri seven times and made like 70 croroes. The court has sentenced him to 18 months in jail ani 3-4 karod ko fine. Sabai paisa tuh usko choro lay Amrika ma rakhya chan. Yes, ask all our Nepali friends in Denver... they will tell you them stories ni!

Term limit bhandai ma 10 years matra hoinuh hai. You can only be a mantri or a pradhan mantri twice. So if you are Makune then he's already been a Prime Monster once (lucky bastard!) and now if he again becomes a PM again and only serves for a month or two then his tyam is up kya. But of course, we will have a new CA elections and a new CA gang. So everything before that will be void hola ni.

I think our caretaker government should scrap all them state facilities thing. If we are going to have a new CA then let's give them state perks only after the CA finishes writing the so-called constitution. Tyes pachi, we will have a 'real' government after the general elections ni. Ani balla... we give them benefits to hoonay-wallah VIPs ni.

If folks like Lokendra Bahadur Chand, Surya Bahadur Thapa and even Sheroo Jadiya gets to ride around town in them SUVs and free bhatta, security and what not then Marich Man Singh should get a helicopter nai hola. Where is Marich Man these days? I hear he has gai bhaisis in the middle of Kathmandu nai. Raja ko pala ma tuh weekly chiya guff ko laagi Palace tiruh laag-they.... maybe he should open a dairy farm or something. Doodh ko naam nai 'Ma Rich Man' .... 

Dr. Saheb is pissing us off now. The Madeshi netas wanted Mr. Jha to be the Chief Secretary.... the top taukey of all our ghoos-khori hakims and peons! But Babu went with Leela Mani Poudel. I was rooting for Brinda Hada... she would have been the first woman Bada Hakim ni! Khoi.... I used to like Babu dai but aaj kal tuh .... khoi... afai lai laaj laagcha usko goon-gaan gau-nuh!

And where the hell is our crown prince .... Prakashey Dhaley the 'red' Bhaaley! Come back home... Little Prince. We need you... and your Facebook updates pani! Instead of hanging out in India ... baroo go to Singapore. They have two new casinos there... maybe you can ask them if they want some of your money pani. According to my KGB (Kukhurchor Guptachar Bivag) sources, Prachanda has more than 87 million Amriki dollars in Indian banks rey. Lau.... jamma tyeti matruh rahecha sarkar ko! 

Baaki Paisa khoi? Ask that pahila ko raja ko jwai ko chela, Ajay Sumargi. The lad from Hetauda has made it big hagi. So if you want to be a billionaire (Nepali Rupaiya maa!) then don't think about starting a IT company or investing in them hydro projects. Hang out with the thulo mancheys and make a few deals with shady bideshis and bring them together and start a new telecom or maybe a nuclear reactor (someday) and then get your cut hai.

The only way we can scare them Desis and Uncle Lee haroo chahi... ask the Frenchies to help us start a nuclear thing here in Nepal. No, we are not bombing Delhi anytime soon. Let's leave that to Baidya uncle and his gulelis. We need some batti... and forget our paani. We need it for them rafting safting ni! And the Frenchies can give us a nuclear bomb or two to scare the Chindians pani. We can put one of them nukes on top of Dharahara.. arko chahi.. I don't know.... ghantaghar?

Saturday, July 28, 2012

If our netas were geeks ...

Apple Inc. reported a profit of tauko-dookhney US$ 8.8 billion for the three months ending in June.  And here we are stuck in the land of never-ending political circus merry-go-round where we buy millions of dollars worth of apples from the dosa and dumpling wallahs.  It’s about time our netas grabbed a few books about them IT geeks and learn a thing or two.

Instead of re-reading Karl dai’s angry rants against the sahujis again and again and worshipping crazy wackos like them three stooges… baroo Steve Jobs ko biography pawd-noos!

And what about our non-communist wallahs? They are not going to change into non-conformists any day soon so the only option for them would be to merge into one and be the ‘other’ party.  Then they can read about Bill Gates and maybe someday invite him to town. 

Billy dai is more into fighting malaria than protecting you from them malicious codes infecting your pirated Microsoft products.  He will probably give us all free mosquito nets than free Microsoft Office. But at least it will save lives and will protect many of our folks from malaria.

It’s about time, we had like three or four political parties in the country.  It would be easier for all of us to keep track of our free loaders. And then the Election Commission (EC) can one day go with ‘SMS’ voting and save some of our taxpayers’ money as well. They can even charge us a Rupee or two and make some dough instead.

But of course our political parties will probably hand out free recharge cards and buy them votes hola. Well, the EC wallahs will have to come up with a fool-proof system to allow only the real voters to cast their votes.  Let us not go into the future because if our netas continue to act like buffoons then it’s only doom and gloom for the rest of us.

If you are still dreaming of showering with the paani from Melamchi then you might have to wait for the Halley’s Comet to come around and that’s like in 2061 AD. Most of us will probably be dead by then because not all of us get to ride in them gas guzzling luxury vehicles with full-on air conditioning.  The rest of us have to breathe in the fumes from the vehicles that have somehow managed to pass the emission test.

If you are not a VVIP (Very Very Incompetent Politician or Puppet) then forget the air ambulance and free medical treatment overseas. Just stick to paracetamol and pray to the almighty that your mole on your neck will just turn out to be nothing more than that.

Maybe our visionless netas will learn something good from them biographies of Silicon Valley super-heroes. A dog may learn a new trick or two but when it comes to our netas, even Dr. Phil will throw his hands up in the air and then jump off from the Empire State Building or if he happens to be in Nepal one day then he might try Dharaha.

The only bloke who was a little tech savvy and used Facebook like he invented the social networking site himself was our crown prince also known as comrade polygamist. Now he is in hiding and he has deactivated his multiple Facebook accounts.  Our patrakars must be missing him.  We are now out of fodder for a while.

I think our netas  still haven’t checked the word ‘consensus’ in the dictionary yet. Somebody should install a spell-checking app on their mobiles hola. Or maybe the ‘autocorrect’ thing stops at the word ‘con’.

Maybe our netas will need some reading glasses because they are still hung up with ‘con’ and they haven’t moved to the next letter yet. Maybe Google can help by testing their augmented reality glasses on our netas.

The only time our incompetent fools forge consensus is when they buy faulty APCs for our police wallahs! Soon, we will have an election for another round of ‘waste billions and loot some more’ natak. Maybe it’s time for another scam so that our political parties will have some dough to feed their cadres during the election campaign.

If our comrades really want to be the biggest party again then they have only one option left. They can’t go with ‘give us a chance too’ natak again. They turned out to be con artists like the previous paketmaars hagi!

But what Dr. Saheb can do is ask our NTC wallahs to give us all high-speed internet access at a subsidized rate. You can charge full price for them cooking gas and fuel but if you cut down the ADSL prices and jack up the internet speed then our comrades will win the votes of millions of young folks in this country.


Saturday, July 21, 2012

What’s in a (foreign) name?

Our caretaker government failed to forge consensus with other clowns and had no choice but to go with the partial budget. Now, our cadres and contractors will have only a small piece of the pie to choke on. 

I hope our netas’s cousins and chamchas will curtail their spending habits because they won’t be getting much this year. Maybe if Dr. Saheb had offered to share some of the free lunch money then other party wallahs would have agreed to share the full pie hola.
Our competent civil servants won’t have to worry about not getting paid. Our taxes will be enough to cover their salaries.  Maybe our government can save some money if they introduce some kind of a ‘pay as you want’ service.  Our civil servants will make a lot more then even if they don’t get a penny from the state.
It’s all about the chiya kharcha and when the peon says, ‘Mila-yeruh dinoos nuh’ then most of us will end up paying more anyway. After all, the poor fellow will have to share the  ‘express service’ fee all the way to the Hakim Saheb. And our hakim sahebs need to have some dough ready for our netas so that he or she can get a lucrative posting.
The Mao Inc. is holding its seventh ‘hang out’ session. Our Emperor is going through a rough patch. Baidya dai left the party because he really wants a people’s revolution. And he still thinks that his crew can take on India and win. Maybe he is watching too many of them Chuck Norris movies?
And our crown prince left the palace so that he could be with his new love.  He won’t have to worry about staying away from home because he is pretty loaded. But he better start learning some mixed-martial arts techniques. You just don’t run away with somebody’s wife. The other guy has every right to kick the lover boy’s arse!
The former Maoist combatants ask, ‘Show us the money?’. Our Emperor has asked the former PLA commanders, ‘Where is the money?’ and the commanders have resigned because they tell the Emperor that, ‘You have all the money!’.  I think it’s about time our Emperor realize that it’s okay to fool the general public but you can’t go on short-changing your own comrades.
So where did all that money go? The Emperor is into real estate, media and other investments. He should share some of the profits with the real ‘rebels’ but of course nobody is really into jagga-plotting these days. And there is not much profit in the media business as well!  

He should have started commercial farming across the country with all that loot instead! It would have at least generated employment for thousands of folks and we would be eating more local food stuff than buying it from the Dosa and Dumpling wallahs!
The Emperor lives in a 25 crore ko Palace. If Dr. Saheb is man enough then he should start the road widening project from the Emperor’s humble abode.  Yes, that road really needs to be widened kya. Even Maruti taxis can’t pass each other on that road and our great ‘leader’ isn’t going around town in a Reva! 
Mohan Baidya is now in China. He must be really enjoying them Chinese banquets. It’s not as simple as our dal bhat  and khasi ko masu! Hope he did learn a few tricks with them chopsticks before he left. He could have visited the hot-pot places in Thamel for some orientation class hola. 
Baidya uncle should ask his comrades to not go around town, vandalizing private colleges with foreign names. I didn’t know our comrades had turned into them Talibans overnight. How about banning our VIPs from buying them foreign vehicles?. They either have to do with the assembled-in-Nepal Mustang or they can take the Micro like the rest of us!
Maybe the Maoists should first change their party’s name instead. The Emperor can change the ‘Ma’ to a ‘Kha’. After all, they have now turned into Kha-o-badis!
Baidya and Matrika Yadav should also come up with a Nepali name for their parties and so should the Eh-Maleys as well. I don’t know what Baidya will come up with but Matrika Dai can go with ‘Jhapad’ party because he is into slapping civil servants around.
Bollywood’s ‘romance’ king has died. Rajesh Khanna ruled Bollywood once.  Then came the lanky Desi with his ‘angry young man’ antics. Romance was out and everybody wanted to kick some arse instead of running around trees and hiding behind the flowers or the bush!
The Indian Embassy should organize a ‘Remembering Rajesh Khanna’ festival soon.  At least , it would be nice to take our parents to the screenings and they can enjoy a night out.  You really can’t expect the older generations to like  Kuirey Super Heroes when they already have Hanuman.

*TKP : On Saturday

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Less Budget... More Debt!

It's time for the budget bhaasan again. Yes, our current fiscal year ends today... and our netas, sarkari hakims and contractors and cadres will start a new year of looting. 

Let us all feel bad for our Maobadi and Madhesi netas.... they couldn't get the full-fledged budget ... so now they will have to do with the so-called partial (one-third) budget. So what does that mean? Our sarkars will build like one-third of a bridge, a bato and them health posts hola ni.

Now our mantris can only make 33% of what they made last year.... hehe! Our contractors are now worried because they won't be getting enough dough to make some profit rey. 

Our opposition wallahs would have supported the government's decision to bring a full-fledged budget if they had received their share of the national loot ni! Khoi.. Maobadi ko pani buddhi ... loot badey ruh khau ho... hami janta jahiley pani choop tuh ho ni! But it's okay .... we pay them taxes while our netas and their chamchas enjoy the good life ni!

Our per capita debt chahi around Rs 18,000+ rey. Each one of us owe that much to them bideshis. No wonder, them kuireys, dosas and dumplings act like they own our netas ni! 

Baidya Dai is leaving for China today... he got them official invite from one of the taukeys of the Chinese Communist Party! Hope he has drawn a comic book or something on how he plans to invade India and take over Bollywood... hehe!

I don't know what he will be doing in Beijing... but the Chinese must have planned a lots of sight-seeing and food fest karyakarams for our hard-core rebel! Hope Baidya did visit them hot-pot places in Thamel where all the shady Chinese hang out hehe! After all, it would be a national disgrace if our last remaining hard-core commmie fumbles when he uses them chopsticks kya!

I think our communists will get more free lunch and dineros if they spoke Mandarin. It would be fun to see our communist blokes on the Chinese state-run TV channels .... speaking Mandarin. Or they can even get a round of applause if they sing some current pop hits in Mandarin pani! 

Even Prachandoo likes to speak in his Chitwan-style Hindi with them Desi journalists kyaaruh! If you are a communist, then speak Mandarin or Russian (ye sorry... they are no longer communists but Putin acts like he is still in the KGB hehe!) or Spanish. Dr. Saheb is a smart man ... he should be able to pick up a few new languages in a week or two hola!

Why Spanish? Who knows... maybe we will get like 10,000 doctors from Cuba and maybe like 1.75 million barrels of oil from Venezuela kya! I don't know what Dr. Saheb did at Rio... was he trying to learn a few soccer tips from the Samba people? Yeso Chavez ruh Castro lai mula ko achar gift diyeko bhaye!

Our doctors are getting beaten up by them relatives of patients. Yestai taal ho bhaney, we won't have doctors working at them hospitals. They will probably move to Cuba or will have to do the rounds with armed guards!

Everything will go up after the budget bhaa-shun! It's the same natak every year. Our sarkari hakims think that everyone who buys them gaadis are filthy rich and they must be taxed heavily so that the government will have enough dough to pay them salaries of our incompetent civil servants! 

Our netas get free SUVs, security and fuel kharcha and none of them pay any taxes kyaaruh! Somebody should ask Dr. Saheb.... them prices of vegetables and fruits! 

I went to buy one of them kay bhancha power socket today. Last week it was selling for 190 and today, the pasaley charged me Rs 288. We have to give it up for our sahujis. The jackass could have raised his prices tomorrow ni. 12 ghanta pani kurna naw-sakya paaji moro!

The petrol pump wallahs will hide them old stock whenever NOC hikes them fuel prices. The power socket was like dui barsa purano hola but the guy just jacked up them prices by more than 50%. It's the same thing with vegetables, daal and bhaat! Communists haroo ko desh ma wild capitalists haroo tanney-ri bhanya tyehi ho!

Raksi prices will go up! Good for most of us but bad for the drunkards... hehe! Them vehicles ko prices haroo pani 10-20% lay tuh badi nai halcha ni! I think somebody needs to start some kind of a car pool service in town hola! 

Yes, Kathmandu baasis ... please don't buy them Hyundai gaadis just because you have to go to them bhoj soj! Baroo... harek tole walalhs should buy them Maruti Van. Maybe 2-3 wata nai. Then palo palo use garney ni.... for them weddings, funerals, pasneys and medical emergencies!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

The People's Prince

The crown prince is missing. We had expected him to hold a ticker tape parade after successfully piggy-backing on one of our Sherpa brothers to climb Everest. But our ‘comrade’ son decided to fall in love with another comrade-ni and has successfully eloped rey.

The ‘Janjati’ netas are in full swing to start their own political party. Maybe the first thing they should do is ban ‘Everest’ and do with ‘Chomolungma’ instead. After all, ‘Holy Mother’ sounds better than calling our great mountain by some Englishman’s name ni. It sounds more exotic than Sagarmatha and if the bideshis can’t spell it right then they should not be given the climbing permit. Maybe that would help to clear the traffic jam up there during the climbing season.

Our crown prince is now married for the third time. I guess he really took the ‘try again until you succeed’ mantra to heart. Yes, we need to give the guy a break. Not everyone has a successful relationship ni. But it looks like he really needs to find a relationship coach or he will end up getting married every time the Maoists break up and form a new party.

The Emperor is busy trying to figure out how to get Dr. Saheb out of Baluwatar. So he is not in the mood to discipline his mahan putra. Muma Maharani should do something about our serial marrier.  A quick beating with dadoo and panyo would probably straighten out the dark prince hola.

Our media wallahs tell us that the prince and his new wife are enjoying pani puris in India. I don’t think he had to cross the border or deactivate his Facebook accounts after the natak. The Maoist party has suspended his membership in the Newa State Committee rey.  Now how in the world did he get to represent the Newa Rajya? Was it the Aila or the Bara?

I guess our Emperor had to save face and he probably thought that suspending his son would stop our patrakars from making up stories about our rajkumar’s shenanigans.

Maybe Ram Dev baba should teach him a few breathing techniques to control his libido or something. Last time, the baba was in town, he gave us like a few cows kyaaruh. So the next time, he is back in Kathmandu, he can crash at the Lazimpat Palace and teach our ‘comrade prince’ how to control his temptations.

Junior must be suffering from Facebook withdrawal symptoms by now. Why does the guy need like 3 Facebook accounts? One for his peeps, one for his mistresses and one for the general public hola ni.

Until he climbed Everest, he was just another computer operator who spent his day updating his Facebook statuses. Now, he is a mountaineer and a polygamist. It’s great that a lad from Tarai has climbed Everest. But he might have to seek another religion that allows polygamy if he wants to keep on getting married every other summer.

He has two options. He can either be friends with Mitt Romney (but the guy has only one wife!) or hang out with Prince Aladdin Bin Talal from Saudi Arabia. But communists are supposed to be atheist hoinuh ruh?

Well, we all are good at stereotyping.  We thought our Emperor would act like ‘Mandela’ but it happens that he has the same ethics as them yesteryear’s mandaleys. I hope our Maoists won’t break up again or the computer operator might again suffer from ‘Loveria’ and elope with somebody else.

Our Emperor should visit Nirmal Niwas for a few pegs of whiskey and snacks. Maybe both the current Maharaja and the former Lord Vishnu could share their stories on bad parenting over drinks. Instead of talking about politics, they could spend an evening talking about how their sons have not lived up to their expectations kya.

Maybe both of them can do business together. After all, our comrade prince and Gyanu uncle’s son-in-law are business partners. Our Emperor can teach Gyanu Uncle a few tips and tricks on how to tell jokes and act like a stand-up comedian whenever he is out there giving them hawataari speeches.

Gyanu woud like some kind of a role in the current  political natak rey. Maybe he should lease some of his land to Gurukul and learn a few acting skills from Sunil dai. Our playwrights can write a play about the so-called ‘deal’ between our former Raja and the current mini-Rajas.

Our former Prime Monster, Makune has even challenged Gyanu uncle to form his own political party if he wants to win the confidence of the people rey.  Look who’s talking? I guess the people were confident that Makune would be too busy doing nothing that they didn’t elect him from  two different constituencies. But he still got to be our Prime Monster and now he gets a SUV, security and fuel kharcha for life. Somebody hit the jackpot!

*this is the TKP version hai....

Monday, July 9, 2012

The Crown Prince is missing .....

The not-so-united Maoist party aka UCPN (Maoist) aka Unilaterally Corrupt Paketmaars of Nepal (Maoist) ... has suspended our crown prince rey. No, I am not talking about Paras dai kya.... it's our own comrade, Prakash Shumsher Dahal!

Paras dai gets a bad rap ..... hit and run and beating folks up but we never really heard about any shady business deals hagi.... while our new crown prince has not run over anybody yet but he seems to like running away with another woman every other year. Ani usko business deals haroo ko tuh baat nai naw-garoom!

Prakashey was married to someone during them conflict period. Then he got tired of her and married somebody else after Papa came back from Delhi. Now, our media wallahs tell us that he hasn't been to Lazimpat Palace for the past couple of days rey. Now, where in the @#$!ing world is Carmen Sandiego? hehe.. I meant hamro Prakash dai kya!

The crown prince has eloped with Bina Magar rey. Who is she? I don't know... never heard of her.... she happens to be the President of them student union at Saraswoti Campus rey. And she is married to some Adhikari guy, who is some kind of a Maoist neta from Bhakatpur. Her hubby has joined Baidya uncle's gang kyaaruh! Let us all feel bad for him hai!

If Prakashey has really married again ... then let us hope that he will finally settle down! Khoi.. third time lucky hola ni Chotta Sarkar! He has even deactivated his Facebook accounts rey. Yes, he has like 3 fb accounts.... one for his mistresses, one for his crew and one for all of us hola ni.

Prakash Dahal is a lucky man. If his pappy hadn't decided to become a communist (closet capitalist), then he wouldn't be one of the richest man in town ni. If Prachandoo Sarkar had decided to stick to his job then he would probably be heading some NGO today hola. And what about his son? I don't know... he would probably be a sahuji of some 'Taas' place in Chitwan hola ni! Or maybe he would have one of them jpt hotels in Sauraha!

Our Emperor is a smart arse. He somehow figured out that our media wallahs were going to write about his son! Ani.... yo natak.... Prakash Dahal is suspended from the Newa State Committee rey.

How the hell did he get a spot @ the Newa State Committee thing? I guess he really loves them Newari dishes hola ni. Or maybe he can beat the local guy from Patan when it comes to downing them aila saila.

He is tight with our former King's son-in-law kyaaruh. The duo have taken over a few casinos in town and they really are the only blokes who are living the good life in Naya Nepal hagi. But somebody needs to remind them that money can't buy class! Fokat ma aako paisa ho... jagga dalal lay gaadi kinya jastai.. mun pari chalau... hehe!

I think Paras dai should sit down with his brother-in-law and ask him to stop hanging out with them 'dance bar' wallahs kya. The guy has no class... instead of always opening up a bottle of them bideshi whisky and hanging out 3-4 wata dance bar hero-nis ... go hang out with Vijaya Mallya if you want to have fun sun ni.

And what about Prakash dai? The Emperor is too busy drinking whisky with his Desi 'handlers' to even worry about our crown prince ... so maybe Muma Maharani should use a daa-doo and give him a beating or something! Ye..... or maybe Ram Dev Baba can help ... teach him some breathing techniques to control his libido or something!

Khoi .. kay bhanney...... maybe he is in love hola ni. They fell in love while hanging out at Namche rey. Yes, both of them were in the so-called Maoist Everest Expedition. Prakash climbed Everest but I guess he didn't want to organize some kind of a parade in the valley when he got back because he just wanted to be with Bina hola ni. He did it all for our so-called constitution and peace ni. We still don't have a constitution and every paketmaar gets a piece of the loot!

Paras dai should now go on TV and maybe give some advice to the current crown prince! If he had beaten up Sujata's son-in-law Rubel daka in Chitwan then Paras dai would have earned some brownie points hola.... but tyo opportunity pani miss bhayo kya! And if Prakash Dahal, our current crown prince doesn't get his act together.... he will end up as a clown instead of getting the crown kya!

I don't see his future in Nepali politics. He has already made billions.... hope he will be wise and not spend it like crazy. Lootey ko dhan ho... arko saat pusta lai pugi halcha ni! Yestai ho Nepal ma..... we had them 'Nati' Generals during the Shumsher days... now we have the 'comrade' daakas kyaaruh!

So where in the world is our crown prince? I don't know... maybe he is at Hotel Viashali hola ni or he is hanging out at them resorts somewhere. India ma tuh at least they have them dynastic politics.. Nepal ma... chai... Sujata auntie did enjoy her free ride but it's all over for her abuh tuh!

I think Manusi will be a MP someday... from Kathmandu and she is more like Dr. Saheb and not like her mommy... hehe! Our netas get lucky kya..... and when they do hit the jackpot... they are not worried about their legacy ... they just want to go on a looting spree!

Fifty years from now, people will still be talking about Jangey.... nobody will give a rat's arse about late Hawaldar or even our Prachandoo Sarkar. What about Gyanu uncle? I still think he should give all his money to charity and move to an ashram... then history will be kind to him hola!

And what about Prakash Dahal? He will probably get married like eight times by the time he is 60 and he will end up losing all his money in Macau... playing high stakes poker .. hehe!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

No Rules for Mules

The Euro 2012 is over and now, we men really don’t have any excuses to stay out late.  Our national team can learn a thing or two from the Spaniards.  They call it the ‘tiki-taka’ ... you pass the ball around till everybody gets bored and then you score a few goals when opportunities arise. The Nepali version would be ‘Twakka-Tukka’ hola! 

The World Cup is only two years away and ANFA should think about making some money by showing live games at Rangasala. Maybe we will then have some dough to hire that Spanish coach when he retires. 
Our caretaker government does not seem to care about the Election Commission’s code of conduct.  According to our EC wallahs, the government cannot transfer or promote them sarkari folks or dole out cash to individuals or organizations rey.  And what does our government do? They go right ahead and break all them rules.
If our netas were footballers then they would still be in the field even after getting them red cards. They will probably kick out the referee and make their own rules as the game progresses. And if they start losing, they will ask their hooligans to invade the football field and bash up the opponents.
Four lucky ‘Maoist’ cadres are receiving cash for their medical treatment, thanks to you and me. If you want free health care in this country, you should join a political party and pray that your ‘netas’ will be in power when you have the flu!
Make sure you have the ability to gather a bunch of tyre-burners to shut down the highway. After all, if you don’t have the capacity to do some daang-doong then even the netas won’t scratch your back ni.  And if you are a neta then you get them ‘air ambulance’ and the taxpayers’ money will cover your medical expenses abroad. 
Our Home Ministry has proposed pardoning criminals affiliated to them political parties.  If you want to steal a chicken from your neighbor’s farm then make sure you do it in the name of the party hai.  Forget about the country and its citizens, for our netas … it’s all about the cadres and contractors! 
Our former Home Minister,  Khum Bahadur Khadka is a lucky man.  He is still living the good life as his corruption case gets postponed again and again. Give the man a break. He was doing his job kya.  Promoting your chamchas and cousins and taking a cut is what netas do.  He is a pakka Netaji.  The other ‘homie’ Govinda Raj Joshi looks like he is taking good care of himself. I saw him at a wedding last week…. he was glowing.. he must really be into facials these days! 
All our former ‘homies’ are enjoying the free ride and security!  That’s how our politicians roll… and even if they ended up in jail, it will be just for a year or two. And when they come out, they are welcomed by their chamchas as if they returned from a space mission.
Our comrades are really into kickboxing these days. Somebody should start a new TV series hola… ‘Comrades Gone Wild’.  Baidya dai’s crew are now fighting with the Emperor’s courtiers to take control of them party offices across the country.  C’mon people… just divide up the loot and buy your cadres some new football boots! Then go play a game instead.. at least you can have bragging rights until the next match.
While our netas are busy doing nothing, Gyanu uncle is out on them religious trips. I think he already has enough frequent flyer miles to get some free tickets.  Tarai must be hot right now. I hope our Rajabadis have stocked up on them sun tan lotion. Instead of wasting money on flowers and pujas, uncle ji should start a new campaign baroo.
Go out on a speaking tour or write songs. Title chahi ‘Let go… I did and so should you’. We should give the man some credit.  He did step aside when the time came and our netas should learn a thing or two from him. Uncle doesn’t want to be a politician. Maybe the Everest Toastmasters Club can help.
He doesn’t want to start his own political party. He is happy being a King rey.  I think he needs to wake up or somebody should give him some Prozac hola. We are heading back to 24 kingdoms and Gorkha is already taken.  Dr. Saheb has covered his base. Nobody will need to run a marathon to take the crown now.
Anyways, today is Gyanu uncle’s birthday.  I think he should organize a grand maha-yagya and donate all his wealth to charity.  Now that would be a real comeback … and then he can ask our netas to top that.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy Birthday....

Today is Miss Amrika's birthday.... no not talking about some beauty pageant winner ni feri. Amrika ko nai birthday ho kya! Ani mero coach ko pani birthday ho Ajuh. Happy Birthday Coach! Thanks for all them good tyam... hope you are having fun today hai!

I don't know what to write.... abuh.... I always had them fear of commitment ki kay bhancha ni. Ani last year, I fell in love for the first tyam. Tyo bhanda pahile chai kay ni? I don't know .... maybe it was just hanging out hola! But all my former lovers are now good friends. Well, it's another story that they are all happily married with kids abuh tuh... and they were happy for me ... that I had finally found someone with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with kya!

But it was not to be... she was the 'one' for me but she wanted something more. I have always been good at them conversations. That's what my 'sano' sisters tell me but when it mattered the most... I failed to speak up and talk about all them stuff she wanted to talk about hola....

But the show must go on ni.... I have always moved on..... from relationships ..... and today, I have to move on feri.... but it is hard! My naari saathiz have been trying to figure out what went wrong. They look at me .... ani they say .. 'Be a Myaaan' ... haha!

I have always been a 'Peter Pan' rey. I need to grow up rey. I need to find something .... like a real job and stick to it rey. It's about 'stability' rey. Just because I say stupid things and try to be funny is not going to cut it rey. Yes, that's what my friends are telling me.

Everybody tells me .... I need to let go. I am trying.... garo hoo-do rahecha. All my life.... I have told my friends.... 'just move on....' and now when I am supposed to move on... I am a mess!

She is gone! She tells me that it's better for both of us .... to move on instead of screwing it up by being together! Yes, I must let go .... I still miss talking to her at night. I miss her big forehead.... her crooked smile.... her small hands.... I miss her voice!

Abuh jay hoo-no thiyo bhayee halyo! We could still be friends ni.... bhancha sabai jana. I have been friends .... am still friends with my formers but I don't know why... I can't be friends with her!

'Why not?' sodh-chan mera saathi haroo..... khoi.... malai pani tha-ha chai-nuh. I thought it would be easy! You break up and then you just go back to being friends ni. I think I will just go back to being a stranger baroo!

Anyways.... Happy Birthday Coach! Thanks for all them great geet seet. I was still stuck in the 90s hola.. didn't know there were so many great geet-kaars after Bush got elected and then re-elected.... haha!

Thanks for encouraging me to write more.. even if it's jpt (nearly all of them tyam hehe!). Someday, we will be friends hola. Lau tuh... have fun, be safe and stay cool bhanchan ni... hehe! Ani laastuh ma chahi... thank you for them memories hai... I will always luff du!

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Religious Right-Wing

Gyanu Uncle is once again out on them 'religious' visits across the country. I think he has enough frequent flyer miles from Buddha Air .... to get them free tickets hagi! Anyways, G-man is now in Bhairahawa, visiting them temples and hanging out with the masses. Well, that's what our media wallahs are writing kyaaruh!

It's very very garmi in Tarai... but our Raja-baadis don't care about sunburn. I think they must have stocked up on them Sun Tan lotions hola! Or maybe they just want to get some (over)dose of them ultra-violet rays!

If Gyanu Uncle really wants to make a comeback then he needs to spend a whole lot more dinero kya. Just booking them plane tickets online and calling up the local 'star' hotel for a night stay is not enough ni. How about hosting your own talk show program @ Kantipur TV?

Yes, instead of that 'Call Kantipur' ki kay bhancha..... Uncle should host his own show ... 'Gyanu ko Gyan' or something like that. Raja-baadis can call him live and they can shout 'Raja Aaa-woo Desh Bacha-woo' and he can spend the whole tyam ... saying 'Huss' and 'Huncha' hehe!

Or maybe his men can recruit them folks in their own 'army' and then promise them that one day, they too will be integrated into the national army. If not, they too will one day get them voluntary retirement package worth Rs 5-8 lakhs ni. After all, Prithivi Narayan grandpa was the original 'Maobadi' ... at least he managed to take over the valley and didn't need to ask them Desis for help!

I think Gyanu Uncle should not waste his tyam..... visiting them temples. Where are them 'Royal' priests now? Are they hanging out at the local vyar vyar momos... chapa-ing them buff momos and reminiscing about them good old days? What happened to them 'holy' charts and all them astrology nataks kya.

Or maybe our 'Holy' priests knew it all along but were just too scared to tell Gyanu Uncle hola ni. I thought Gyanu uncle was a 'pakka' businessman but now... it looks like he never took them Accounting classes hola. Somebody should have taught him them 'Debit-Credit' natak ni. 

Anyways, we should all respect the 'man' for stepping down at the right time. Instead of trying to hold on to the past... the man decided to pack up and move. It was probably the best decision of his life hola. Gyanu Uncle is a 'pakka' gambler baroo. He knew when to fold 'em kya. Maybe our netas should learn a thing or two about letting go of power. 

Well, it's hard to let go .... be it power or love or your bajey ko 2 anna ko jagga. I am still having a little bit of a tough time letting go. But I know that I must move on.... at least Euro 2012 helped but now I need to find another sporting event hola ni. Yes, she will always love me (hola).... but I am not a Bollywood actor and I don't live in Delhi kya. 

The funny thing about our 'Raja-baadis' chahi... them taukeys haroo are not religious at all. They don't even have them full-set DVDs of Mahabharata and Ramayana. And just because you watch 'Har Har Mahadev' doesn't make you a 'hard-core' Hindu!  

Ahiley pani.. our Dalit brothers and sisters are not allowed inside them temples, paani ko dhaara or them thulo jaatey haroo ko ghar vitra! If you want to be a good Hindu then just be a good person. Help those who are weak and love your neighbors. Sabai religious books haroo ma tyehi nai ho ni! Wearing a tika and not eating goal-bheda, pyazz and law-soon will not get you to heaven.  

Visiting them religious places and asking thousands of poor folks to stand for hours in the midday sun is not right! Stop wasting them dough on them flowers. Baroo.... if Gyanu uncle really wants to be with the masses then he should sell his stake in Soaltee, Surya Nepal and other business ventures kya. Then what? Then call that Saudi dalal... sorry... Prince Al Waleed Bin Talal and ask him for some financial advice hola! 

I think he should just give all his money ...well keep like 10 million dollars and ask them Amriki hedge fund managers to get him like 20% return a year ni.. ani rest chahi ki Help Nepal lai nai diye huncha or he can give it to Himani Trust hola.

And what will Himani Trust do? Our district hospitals across the country are without medicines, doctors or even beds nai. Baroo.... sabai hospital haroo chalau-naw harek barsa grant srant diye huncha.

You can't win them hearts and minds of the Nepali people by baja-ing them ghantas at them mandirs and perfecting them 'namaskars'! Look at them karyakartas. They just want some dough.

Baroo Gyanu Uncle should get into farming sarming hola. We all love them 'Kaley' Bungoors and maybe we will get to eat 'Nepali' apples instead of them Chinese plastic stuff and 'local' khasis instead of them 'Desi' ones. He will make tons of money and folks will get some kaam ruh daam pani!

I don't think we will have a King again because we already have our 'Rajas' now. Tyeti bela 22-24 kingdoms ... abuh ahiley tuh 22-24 party haroo ko tyam ho ni! Let it be.... bhan-they hamro Paul dai lay ek jawana ma! Yee kira haroo lai pani khana-deu nuh! 

Baroo.... puja paath ko satta sabai senior citizens lai blood pressure ko dabai baad-noos... dharma huncha ni!  Yes, my daaktaar friends tell me .... all our senior citizens have high BP rey... ani hamro paala ma chahi we will all have them Type 2 die-beat-eez pani!

Or he can be a media mogul hola. Fund a newspaper baroo... sabai investigative journalism sir-naw-lee-ism natak chaap-ney ni. Abuh Rishi Dhamal lai nai chief banai huncha hola haha! We need them real patrakars ni .. and not them patrakars who were there at his 'last' press conference @ Narayanhiti where they broke them chairs and acted like a bunch of wild monkeys!

At the end of the day... it doesn't matter how much dough you have in them banks sanks.... lastuh ma tuh daal bhaat nai khaa-yeruh sootnay ho kyaaruh!
Hamro Laxmi dai ko Muna Madan ma bhancha ni.. 'haat ko maila suna ko thaila... ke garnu dhana le.. saag ra shishnu khayeko bes anandi man ley.....' 

Yes, Gyanu Uncle... forget about going back to Narayanhiti kya. The Palace is now like them local zoo.... chow chow ko khol ruh badam ko khosta ani Real juice ko packet lay sabai fohor sohor!

Baroo... as Swami Russell Peters used to say 'Be a Myaan' .... Prachandey will never win a Nobel Peace Prize! Let him have his fun playing ping-pong at his Lazimpat Palace. Somebody needs to widen that road baroo.... 1 foot ko bato cha... duita taxi ayo bhaney traffic jam.... hehe!

Gyanu Uncle should cash out.... keep his 10% because you do need some dough to pay your bills and them single-malt is not cheap ni. Ani baaki sabai paisa dee-deu ..... ani hay-ruh hamra neta haroo lay kay natak garda rahechan. 

If you still don't want to do that then just go on the 'Great Himalayan Trek' with your entourage baroo! Make a documentary and be a filmmaker... I don't know... or start a late night radio show @ Hits FM hehe.