Saturday, October 18, 2014

Clowns under quarantine

Our UN peacekeepers from Nepal Army and Armed Police Force who have returned from Liberia have been put under quarantine just to make sure that they are Ebola-free.  They will be regularly monitored for the next 21 days to make sure that they are okay. 

Our security personnel seem to be doing a great job during the UN peacekeeping missions around the world.  Let’s hope that all of our peacekeepers will get to go home without any health issues and be with their families after the quarantine ends. 

Every year, hundreds of thousands of our young folks go overseas as unskilled labor. They are exploited and are provided with inhuman living conditions. I think our incompetent government should work out a deal with the UN-wallahs and train our young folks to serve as peacekeepers in conflict zones around the world.  

It would be better if our young folks are engaged in preventing conflicts around the world than being treated like slaves in the Gulf region.  

I think it's about time, we placed our visionary leaders under quarantine for the next 21 days as well.  Maybe, our buffoons will be so sick of squabbling with each other over the next three weeks that they might have no choice but to agree on the disputed issues of the constitution writing process.

Our freeloaders have already spent millions in the past eight years, hanging out at resorts around the valley.  If they really want to get away from the pollution and chaos in the capital then our top buffoons should be placed under quarantine in Khaptad National Park. 

Yes, let's pitch tents four our clowns and they can enjoy a simple meal of dal, bhat instead of sleeping in comfy beds and enjoying dinner and expensive bideshi drinks at the taxpayers expense.

There must be some magic potion we can give to our buffoons to overcome procrastination. If we can't find any magicians then maybe we should just eat the carrot and carry a big stick. Our Kangaroos and the United Mundrey leaders are more than happy to go for a voting process if none of the clowns can agree to resolve the issues. 

Our political parties should have finished preparing the first draft of the constitution by now but so far, they have nothing to show for except the usual bickering over how many provinces we need and if we want a Prime Monster or a President to carry the stick.

Our top clowns have promised us all that they will deliver a new constitution by January 22nd, 2015. But our Emperor and his comrades have made it clear that they will not support the voting process to resolve the disputed issues. 

Maybe, we should just ask the All Nepal Football Association (ANFA)to organize a football tournament between our political parties. We can call it the 'Nepal Cup'. We can have a league round first and then the knock-out stages to decide who gets to have their say in our new constitution.

ANFA President and our CA member, Ganesh Thapa and his three musketeers, Vice President Lalit Krishna Shrestha, General Secretary Dhirendra Pradhan and Treasurer Birat Jung Shahi have been charged with engaging in financial irregularities worth Rs 581.7 million. They have been asked to take a leave for two months until the investigation is over but our four amigos are here to stay. 

After all, they have been running the show for over two decades not by doing the right thing but by doling out funds to their cronies and even political parties. After all, if you share the loot, you get to keep your boot and if you don't then you get the boot. It not only applies to our sports associations in the country but to our political parties and government agencies as well.

If you are a party member who can bring in the funds for your political party then you get the ticket to stand up election. And if you win then you will get to become a minister. But in this country, you don't have to win elections to become a minister. You can be a mundrey and still become a minister. Then, you can raise more funds for the party. 

It's the same story with our bureaucracy. Our civil servants have to pay our ministers to get lucrative postings and promotions. No wonder, we have more than a dozen AIGs in Nepal Police. 

By 2020,  don't be surprised if you see a high-ranking police official in charge of a local police beat in Rolpa. Our hakim sahebs can stay home and play cards while the low-level employees collect the chiya kharcha from the general public and it goes up the ladder. 

Everything goes up in this country, be it the food prices, transportation fares and even the chiya kharcha as well. The only thing that goes down in this land of ours is our morale. What can we do to motivate ourselves and our freeloaders?  

We all know that we will not be rejoicing come January 23rd, 2015 because we won't get the new constitution then. We will probably either go for round three of  Constipated Assembly (CA) or we can just go on with our lives without the help of a government or our corrupt political parties. After all, that's what we have been doing for the past two centuries.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Goodwill Ambassadors

Our blue-plated wallahs seem to invite foreign celebrities to Nepal to promote their campaign. Leonardo DiCaprio was here a few years ago to save our tigers. He even donated US$ 3 million so that the WWF could do its part in helping our tigers. 

We are still trying to figure out why Selena Gomez was here and a few days ago we had Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan in our land to make us aware about the importance of child nutrition.

Khan is the newly appointed UNICEF Ambassador for nutrition in South Asia but he seems to have come in a hurry because he had forgotten to shave. Or maybe, that's the new look for his new movie. 

Khan also has his TV show where he deals with social issues in India. And someday, who knows, Khan might first become the chief minister of Matheharastra and then the Prime Minister of India. 

After all, at one point he will get tired of reel life and would want to show some of his skills in the real world.  But of course, politics is much harder than movies. You might have to lie, cheat, steal or dole out the dough to win elections. Khan has the dough but he can’t lie. 

Khan was in town for a few days and like other foreign celebrities, he also met with our Prime Minister.  It was disappointing for most of his fans because they could not get autographs from Khan. 

It would have been great for Aamir fans if our PM Sushil Da had posted a Selfie with the superstar on Instagram. After all, our incompetent netas have time for some chiya-paan with foreign celebrities but do not have time for the common folks.

Sushil Da congratulated Khan for being the new 'nutrition' Ambassador and Khan must probably have congratulated our PM for only having three mobile phones and nothing more. 

Sushil Da also invited Khan to visit our country again and visit Pokhara. Maybe, Khan should make a new movie where he plays a paraglider who meets his dream woman in Pokhara.

We should thank DiCaprio and Khan for taking time off from their busy schedule to visit our land and create awareness about tigers and nutrition. But  it isn't time our government save our tigers and children by providing funds to these programs instead of only helping their cadres, cousins and contractors?

Our Kollywood supertstar Rajesh Dai should quit hosting TV Quiz shows and instead have a reality show of his own where he discusses critical social issues in our land.  And political parties should focus on writing the constitution first instead of fighting with each over how many provinces we need.

And now, we have a 22-party alliance led by our Emperor who have announced protest programs against the ruling parties; stand to resolve disputes of constitution making through votes. 

Maybe, what our opposition wallahs need is bundle of notes from the ruling parties. After all, cash is King and our mini-maharajas who are not in power would be happy to have some hard cold cash.

Our 22-party alliance will now get the much needed exercise as they participate in rallies and what not.  I guess the 'protest' season has started early this time. After all, we all need to lose some extra calories added up during Dashain. 

Our political parties need to first look up the word 'consensus' in the dictionary and then find common ground to resolve the disputes issues. The only time our political parties come to an agreement is when all of them get to enjoy the loot from the state treasury. 

Maybe, we need a 'goodwill ambassador' to 'save Nepal' from going down the drain. Sushil Da is busy trying to fix his mobile phones while KP Oli is busy promoting mundrey gundas. 

Our Emperor and the other Madhesi leaders want to take to the streets because they are pissed off with the ruling parties for not sharing the loot. And the fringe parties just want to have some fun because they really don't make any difference in national politics but do get some chiya kharcha whenever they join an alliance.

Aamir Khan in his recent TV show focused on the importance of sports. And our results at the recently concluded Asian Games was depressing with only one bronze medal to show for after wasting millions of Rupees. 

I think we should just send our athletes to these games instead of officials and save us some money. It's sad to hear about athletes disappearing from the venue but we can't blame them for hiding in foreign lands to make a living. 

After all, it's the heads of our sports organizations who get to embezzle millions of Rupees whereas our athletes don't even get enough dough to buy a decent pair of track suits.

Khan is back home. Our children will continue to face problems of malnutrition. Our athletes will continue to be exploited. Our country will continue to be stuck in a coma because of our con artists. 

Maybe somebody should just come out with a constitution and we go for a referendum. We can never be another Switzerland but we can at least do referendums like the Swiss.