Saturday, November 30, 2013

What our clowns can learn from our cricket team

Our clowns should learn a thing or two from our cricketers when it comes to working as a team. We will be playing in the T20 Cricket World Cup next year in Bangladesh.  Who would have thought that one day Nepal would be playing in a World Cup event? We are all proud of our lads and hope they will do well in the T20 World Cup.

Our cricketers should give motivation speeches to our clowns and inspire them to work together to write the constitution on time.  I think our political parties should host their own Twenty20 cricket matches and settle their differences over a game of cricket instead of using their cadres to bash each other up and making our lives miserable by shutting down schools, businesses and highways.

We hear media reports about how our government wallahs have promised our lads Rs 1 million each. That's great news but let's hope it won't turn out to be another publicity natak and they will really receive the dough instead of bad cheques. 

Yes, the Sports Ministry will forward the proposal to the Finance Ministry and the ones with the key to the state treasury will probably come up with million excuses and offer a paltry sum instead. 

So let's all get together and pitch in. Maybe we will be able to raise more and our cricket team can use the extra dough to hire more fitness coaches, nutritionists and physiotherapists.  

Maybe, we can ask Sachin Tendulkar to come to town and show our lads his game or two.  Yes, our athletes need better diet and they need to be mentally prepared for the T20 World Cup next year. 

Our soon to be CA members will received more than a million Rupees in salaries and perks in the next few years.  While our CA members will sit on comfy chairs and drink tea and agree to disagree, our cricketers don't even have decent ground to train. Maybe our new CA members will be kind enough to donate some of their salaries to help the game of cricket.

It would have been nice if our football team had qualified for the FIFA World Cup as well.  But of course, most of us can't afford to fly all the way to Brazil and pay thousands of dollars for the tickets. So maybe, our national team will qualify one day when we become a developed country and our common folks can afford to fly around the world by saving a month's salary or two.

Our women's national team may one day play in the FIFA World Cup but we can't really say the same about our men's team unless they start playing 'tiki-taka' football like the Spaniards. Or maybe someday, we will be rich enough like the Qataris to host our FIFA World Cup and then we will get automatic qualification for the tournament.  

Our Election Commission folks have finished counting the PR votes.  Yes, the two old school wallahs have received majority of the PR votes and it's probably the right time to start backbiting, back-stabbing and figuring out who gets the lucrative ministries. It will probably take a month or two before we find out the who will be the clowns  heading the government ministries.  

We have already seen two Prime Monsters from the United Mules. Maybe, the Kangaroos should have their man or woman in Baluwatar this time. And we don't want the same old clowns in the cabinet. 

If our political parties really care about the young folks in this country then they should at least give half of the ministries to folks to CA members who are under the age of 40. That doesn't mean that folks in their fifties or seventies are incompetent. Let's have young ones this time and see how they govern. And it would be great if we had a woman Prime Minister this time but of course,  not the same corrupt aunties like you know whom.

Kamal Thapa's 'Mahabharat-like' chariot-processions last year seems to have helped his party to get more PR votes. But of course that doesn't mean we want 'Lord Vishnu' back.  Kamal Dai should look at our cricket team. The cricketers are the face of New Nepal.  Our lads are from different ethnic backgrounds and religions coming together to accomplish a goal. 

Our comrades should go on cycling tour across the country and maybe they will do better next time.  Our former Home Minister, Bijaya Gacchu 's dream of becoming the next Prime Monster is over.  And if Baidya Ba is still bent on organizing protest programs then he can learn a thing or two from the Thais. 

Yes, Gherao the government ministries and do your natak but just let the kids go to school and allow us to go to work so that we can make a decent living.

Leonardo DiCaprio  has given US$3 million to WWF to help save our country's tigers. Maybe, we should ask him for more funds to help save our country's honest politicians for they too are endangered species as well.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Happy Winners & Sore Losers

Our Emperor is mighty pissed that he lost from Kathmandu Constituency No. 10.  A day before the election, everything was fine and dandy. A day after, our comrades now smell conspiracies and blame vote rigging and other nataks for their dismal performance this time.

Our Emperor didn't just lose by a few hundred votes.  If he had then  he could have asked for a recount but this time, he has come third. Half of the folks who voted for him the last time decided to give the other guy a chance.  So what went wrong?

The voters must have not been impressed with his money and muscles. Instead of moving to Lazimpat, our Emperor should have gone to Kirtipur to live as a home stay guest. Instead of drinking bideshi whiskeys and hanging out with foreign spooks, he should have moonlighted as a part-time taster for the local aila producers and hung out with the locals. 

If he had spent the last four years there then he would have been fluent in Newari and learned some of the dance moves for the local jatras. Then he could have impressed the local voters with his skills. But nope, he was busy living the good life.

Our comrades were surprised when they secured the highest votes during the previous CA election.  But this time, they are shocked with the results and are now blaming the rest of the world for conspiring against them. 

There will be ups and downs in life. And it's not like there won't be any other elections in the future. Our comrades should learn to be patient instead of acting like juvenile delinquents.  

Instead of acting like sore losers, our comrades should accept the results and show us all that they will work with others to write the constitution. After all, our major political clowns have promised us a constitution within a year. But our comrades now warn us that they will boycott the Constituent Assembly and will not be part of the constitution-drafting process.  

Our Emperor had promised Baidya Ba 26 CA seats before the election. Maybe the Kangaroos and The United Mules should offer 26 more seats to our Emperor and his courtiers. But of course, our comrades wanted the majority but the voters turned them into a minority. So let us all expect more bandas and nautanki nataks from the losers.

Even if Baidya Ba and his angry birds had not left the mother ship, the results would have been more or less the same. Our Emperor could have saved millions of Rupees if he had watched 'Sajha Sawal' regularly on TV. The people were not happy with our comrades.  I guess somebody forgot to tell them that they had not done much except blame others during the previous CA. 

The rest of us knew that they would not be getting as much votes as in the previous CA election but I guess our comrades were too busy with their nataks that they forgot about the voters.  

If our Emperor had spent some time at local chiya pasals then he would have known that the voters would not be giving him and his party another chance. But of course, he was busy flying around the country and didn't have time to listen to the masses.

Yes, if it weren't for our comrades, we wouldn't be having Constituent Assembly elections.  Yes, it's because of them that we are a Republic. But instead of ripping off the public, our comrades could have lowered the food prices and sent the corrupt and shady contractors to jail. But they turned out to be no better than the previous clowns. 

The old school wallahs will now be running the show.  We are not expecting much from them either but they too have gotten another chance to clean up the mess. And if they fail, then they too will suffer the same fate in the next election.

Hope our winners will find ways to bring the sore losers back to the CA building and work out their differences to give us a constitution. Gagan Thapa is a winner. And let's hope that by 2020, he will become our Prime Minister. I think Thapa should start his own party in the next election and the 'dog' wallahs can join him.  

Deuba is still the Maharaja from Dadeldhura.. Sushil Da has shown the world that you really don't need to speak much to win the election whereas our Emperor has shown us that no matter how much you brag, boast and toast, whine and dine… you will still lose if the voters are not happy with your nataks. 

Makune is a happy man.  He lost twice and became our Prime Monster. He has won this time and we might have to make him our President.

Yes, let the winners rejoice and the losers should evaluate their performance this time and figure out what when wrong.  All we want is a constitution and no more constipated political deadlocks.  Now, somebody needs to give our clowns some laxatives.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Gifts with Strings Attached

The Desis have given our government 716 vehicles worth Rs 850 million for the upcoming Constituent Assembly election. As usual, our netas and civil servants are only good at begging for gift hampers from our chimekis. Our incompetent buffoons make us all look bad. 

We are not a nation of beggars. Most of us are hardworking, law-abiding citizens who make an honest living. And then we have our lazy bums who are running the show, who break all the laws of the land and get rich from illegal means.  

No wonder, the Desi and the Chinese ambassadors tell our clowns what to do. After all, beggars can’t be choosers and if you are always begging for funds for this and that then you must do the benefactors' bidding.

Maybe our government could have done us all a favor by asking the Chinese for 601 new vehicles for all of our soon to be CA members.  We have to make sure that we get more or less similar gift hampers from our chimekis so that one of them doesn't sulk and refuse to give us more freebies in the future.

Since most of our freeloaders are only in it for free lunch and chiya kharcha, why not give them a vehicle each?  And if they can finish writing the constitution within a year, they can keep the vehicles for themselves.  

And once they are done being CA members, they can rent out the vehicles to travel agencies to take Chinese tourists around the valley. After all, our chimekis are patriotic lots and would be proud to ride in vehicles manufactured in their own countries.  

The Chinese gave the Kathmandu Municipality hundreds of vehicles and they still haven't used most of them. The Indians built the trauma center but our government has yet to operate it.  Maybe, our roads in the valley would have all been black-topped by now if we had given the contracts to the Chinese. 

But no, we want our Nepali contractors to make some dough. That's a good thing but the work is shoddy and our clowns and civil servants get their share of kickbacks.  

It's very surprising that our government is spending Rs 16 billion for the election but doesn't have enough funds for the vehicles. Since our government offices will be closed for four days, our police wallahs could have used the vehicles of other government agencies instead.  Or we could have asked all the hakim sahebs and netas to return their government vehicles and used them for election purposes. 

But no, we need new 'free' vehicles so that we can use it later to take the wives of hakim sahebs for shopping or to their family gatherings. And we need more vehicles so that our security personnel can provide security for the Very Irritating Persons (VIPs).  

Instead of wasting our taxpayers money on providing security to our incompetent buffoons, why not just hand them full body armor if they are too worried about their safety?  The state must stop providing security and other chiya kharcha to our VIPs. Most of our netas have enough mundrey gundas to provide security for them anyway. 

In a year or two, don't be surprised if the 'free' vehicles look like it's been on the road for a decade.  Most of our government agencies are good at never maintaining their vehicles. I guess somebody forgot to tell our sarkari hakim sahebs that they must set aside funds for maintenance of vehicles and office buildings.  

They must have maintenance funds but most of it is embezzled by the employees themselves.   If you go to a government office then you might not recognize the hakim saheb but the driver will stand out because he will be acting like he owns the place. Of course not all our civil servants are lazy bums. 

It's the same everywhere, 20% competent workers do all the work while the rest do nothing but come up with fake bills to drain the state coffer.

After all, our civil servants are too busy reading newspapers, drinking tea and sun bathing that they are not bothered with run down vehicles in their office backyard. You can find many rusting vehicles with weeds growing out. Somebody should just turn these into a vegetable garden and grow 'Dalley' khursani or tomatoes. Then our civil servants can enjoy some achar with their khaja during tea-break.

It's always good to receive gifts from your neighbors but when the time comes, they will probably ask for favors worth much more than what we get from them.  

Let's hope someday, our government has enough funds to dole out free gift hampers to our chimekis. That day might come soon because we will be a developed country flushed with cash if we are to believe the master plans of our nautanki political parties. 

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Make up your mind

I hope most of us have already made up our minds on whom to vote for the upcoming CA election. If you want Lord Vishnu back then you better back Kamal Thapa and his 'Mahabarata' crew. If you don't like any of our clowns and want to stay home instead of standing in line for hours to cast your vote then you can offer your moral support to our Baidya Ba and his friends. 

The angry birds are looking for those who are good at hurling stones and torching vehicles and if you have such skills then this is the right time to apply. But don't expect much chiya kharcha because they don't have much funds like the Emperor and his courtiers.

If you still believe in the 'old school' wallahs then you can vote for the 'tree' and the 'sun'.  But don't expect them to come up with a 'green energy' plan anytime in the future. 

If you still want a revolution and want gulags for your enemies and riches for your friends then it's safe to vote for our Emperor and his friends.  But of course, you are not going to make any dough unless you are related to the comrades or have a bunch of get rich quick schemes by draining the state coffer.

Baidya Ba and his crew plan to go ahead with their banda natak from Monday. But the 33 weaklings have made some changes to their 10-day circus acts. The 'boycott' wallahs plan to take a few days off in between the banda.  

I guess Baidya Ba and his crew now know that it is not possible to carry out even a week-long banda.  After all, you will need lots of dough to feed and house them cadres.

Our Emperor and his courtiers did shut down the country for a week when Makune was growing organic tomatoes in Baluwatar. But the general public were more pissed rather than being inspired to join their natak. And our weaklings know that they will not win any brownie points if they carry out a 10-day straight banda.

Our Emperor has promised Baidya Ba 26 seats in the upcoming Constituent Assembly but the angry birds are not impressed with the proposal.  Maybe, they would have called off their boycott natak if they were promised 26 SUVs and a truckload of cash.  

The 'boycott' wallahs are busy torching vehicles of candidates across the country. I hope our political parties have insured their vehicles. This is the right time for insurance companies to come up with TV advertisements to promote their vehicle insurance programs.  A cadre torches a vehicle and an insurance agent stands right next to the vehicle, ready to write a check to compensate the vehicle owner. 

The West has once again issued travel alerts for its citizens traveling to Nepal.  So if you are an American, Australian, Canadian or British then you will need to be cautious and not plan your treks in Nepal for the coming month. 

The only person who has not received the travel warning yet must be the  former US President Jimmy Carter . He is coming to town along with few other high-profile foreigners to observe the CA election. The Carter Center will have 50 observers from 27 countries, taking notes and making sure that we have a free and fair election.

The Carter Center had their observers during the first CA election in 2008. Maybe, this time, the foreign observers should strictly go to the Madesh and the hills instead of just hanging out in urban areas and taking pictures and enjoying their vacation.

November is like the peak tourism season for Nepal. I think Nepal Tourism Board should come up with new publicity campaigns to attract more westerners to the country. Come to Nepal and join the rallies and take as much pictures as you like. 

If you are white then nobody is going to pick on you.  The cadres will be more than willing to help you out with their different poses for your pictures.  But if you are from SAARC nations or from them ASEAN countries then make sure you tell them that you are a foreigner because most of you will look like a Nepali until you speak out in your native tongue.  

Even the South Americans tend to look like Nepalis.  But they can be safe, if they wear 'Messi' football shirts and teach the cadres how to Tango or Salsa.  

Let's hope our government will be successful in conducting the CA election with very less violence and other nautanki nataks. Let's hope that our clowns will then work together to find a common ground to write the constitution and lift this country out of a coma. 

After all, all we can do is hope that our clowns will finally come to their senses and do the right thing instead of dragging us all down with their mutual understanding to disagree on everything except when it comes to looting the state coffer. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Violence for Votes

It seems our clowns and their cadres will never learn to fight fair and will continue to use all the dirty tricks they can come up with to intimidate their opponents during the election campaigns. Why do our netas need the help of hooligans to win from their constituencies? Why can't the so-called cadres just stick to chanting political slogans and greeting the voters instead of carrying out bandas and hurling stones and petrol bombs against each other?

Our political parties are buying bicycles and saris for potential voters. Maybe they should have opened 'fair price' shops and sold aloo and onions for a few Rupee less. With the way them food prices are rising, we won't be able to afford to eat aloo chops soon. Most of us are already vegetarians not because we would like to but buying a kg of mutton is like 10% of our salary.

Some of our political parties are handing out caps and t-shirts. The summer is already over. How about coats and jackets for the winter? But the mundrey gundas who have found part-time jobs with the parties get new bikes and wads of cash. And the temporary police wallahs don't even get decent housing and will not receive even full salary for their work during the CA election. 

It's ironic that our government does not have enough funds whereas the political parties have enough dough to charter helicopters and what not. The byaparis submit fake VAT bills and evade taxes while the political parties collect 'voluntary' taxes from them byaparis. Most of our hakim sahebs have mini-mansions in the valley. We are still waiting for the day when common folks get some benefits from the state

Our clowns are busy violating the election code of conduct  and  instead of taking action against them buffoons, the EC wallahs only seek clarifications in writing. I guess our hakim sahebs at the Election Commission (EC) must be busy shopping for Tihar. 

Our cadres are busy attacking their rivals. Instead of using knives, bamboo sticks and rocks to fight each other, why not settle their differences over a game of football? Yes, organize a knock-out football tournament in the district and have them cadres participate in it. 

The political parties can share the revenue from selling the tickets instead of extorting byaparis all over. And the candidate of the winning team can then organize a victory rally in the district and promise to win the FIFA World Cup by 2030. Is it possible? No, but it has better odds than us having 40,000 MW of electricity by then.

It's Tihar. Maybe our cadres should put on them deusi-bahilo program and sing and dance instead of bashing each other up. Our candidates should have hired 'dohori' singers and organized concerts in their constituencies. I think that would be more effective than boring voters with their same old 'hawa-taari' guff of how they will make Nepal a developed country in a decade or two. 

Instead of handing out free gifts to voters, why not hand out brooms to your cadres and ask them clean up our neighborhood? Our clowns should  deploy their cadres to help us clean our homes for Tihar. I guess that would not be violating the election code of conduct.  And after the clean-up program, the candidate can then organize a chiya-paan karyakaram. While we drink tea, samosas and onion pakoras, the clown can then tell us why we should  vote for him or her.  

Our helicopter companies must be fully booked this month. Our so-called netas are busy using them choppers for their election campaigns. The EC has allowed the use of helicopters in several remote areas but our clowns are busy using them to places where they can reach by vehicles in a few hours.

It's useless to have a code of conduct for our clowns. They think they are above the law and our EC hakim sahebs gently request the buffoons not to violate the code again instead of punishing the guilty ones.  The EC has even formed a high-level panel to take action against the violators and has also deployed 'flying squad' teams in the valley to make sure that candidates do not violate the election code of conduct.  So don't be surprised  if you see a bunch of pot-bellied men wearing  'Superman' costumes, flying around the valley. 

Somebody needs to remind our political parties that it's about time they stop using their 'old school' strategy to win the votes. Instead of winning the hearts and minds of potential voters with clear goals and vision, our clowns resort to the same old violent nataks of assault, intimidation and threats. Somebody needs to provide new textbooks on 'election campaigns' to our clowns. 

Maybe our bideshi donors should have organized some workshops for our cadres on how to play a fair game instead of just doling out millions for the CA election.