Saturday, December 27, 2014

Prince of Darkness

While our Christian Nepalis celebrated Christmas and non-Christian Nepalis woke up with nasty hangovers after their night out on Chrismas Eve, Kamal Thapa and his crew began their 'Mechi-Mahakali Chariot' campaign to bring back the monarchy and turn this land of ours back into a Hindu State.

Kamal Thapa should have posted a Christmas greeting video on YouTube instead of wasting millions of Rupees with his 'Chariot' natak. It would have cost him nothing and he would have at least gained a few friends. 

Thapa is a fitness freak. He plays tennis regularly and is a veteran tennis champ and seems to have the energy to climb Everest without using oxygen or wearing any protective gear. 

If he had his way, then he would probably take his chariot up Everest as well. But I guess, he still can't get rid of this 'mandaley' brains. It took him quite far but it's not going to take him to Baluwatar.

I think he should be thankful that we, Nepalis easily forgive and forget as well. This is the same guy who was our Home Minister when Gyanu Uncle was our 'Lord Vishnu'. But things have changed but the only guy who seems to be suffering from amnesia seems to be our very own Kamal Dai. 

Gyanu Uncle is now a common citizen and he is busy visiting Chitwan and other places with his family. Good for him. We may have different opinions about Gyanu Uncle but history will be kind to him for giving up his throne without any struggle. Maybe, Kamal Dai dreams of becoming a Maharaja someday. 

We are a Republic now and a secular nation. If we went back to the 'old' Hindu kingdom then our public holidays will probably be cut down to half. And it will piss off both the common folks and our hardworking civil servants.  After all, our public servants need a day off whenever we celebrate Losars, Christmas and other religious festivals because they are so over-worked.

It's been more than two and half decades since the Pancheys left the building but it looks like we still have mandaleys running around. Well, we should not be surprised because the country is being run by the same so-called democratic folks who were looting the state treasury two decades ago. 

It seems like we are back in the 90s again. Our Kangaroos and United Mundrey Leaders are having all the fun now. 

Yes, we all gave our comrades a chance but our Emperor screwed it up. If our Maoist and Madhesi leaders had risen above petty politics and not enjoyed the state funds like it was a free buffet dinner, then we wouldn't be in this mess. 

If our Emperor and his crew along with his coalition partners had forged consensus with the 'old' corrupt clowns and delivered us a constitution, then maybe they could be enjoying a majority government now. But all loot must come to an end or our crooks gets their chance every other year.

Our Emperor thinks Oli Dai is acting like a Maharaja. Look who's talking? Our opposition wallahs now want to take to the streets as if that will helps us all. If our Emperor and his alliance partners want to win the hearts and the minds of the common folks then fight for citizenship under the mothers' name. 

Gherao all district administration offices across the country and tell the CDOs to grant citizenships under the mothers' name or else face "Bhautik Karwai".

New Year is round the corner. Well, it's once again , the 'Western-Christian' new year that we Nepalis will celebrate more vigorously than we celebrate our Nepali New Year, Vintuna, Losars or other ethnic New Years. 

Kamal Dai and his crew have two options. Either, they go militant and shut down all the gift shops selling Valentine Day cards and Santa Claus hats and ban the use of the Gregorian Calendar or either they go on a reformation movement to counter the rigidity of Hinduism. 

But of course, Kamal Dai doesn't want to be another Buddha. He just wants to ride on the bandwagon of 'Hindu Rastra' in hopes of becoming a Maharaja someday. 

Our right-wing Hindu nationalists should not worry that just because we are a secular nation doesn't mean we will lose our 'Hindu' identity.  We must respect and treat all religions equally.

Yes, we Hindus are the majority in this land and if we really want a 'New Nepal' then we must learn to respect and love our brothers and sisters of other faiths just as we would our own. And for our right-wingers, we still have more public holidays for Hindu festivals and it will probably be that way unless Facebook becomes the new religion.

Kamal Dai could be our new President if he vows to eradicate the caste system in this country. Yes, let us all learn to be good. Kamal Dai, be a good Hindu instead of trying to be another Hitler.  

Kamal Dai, fight against those fools who abuse and torture women who are accused of witchcraft. Fight against those rapists who think it is okay to rape women and children. Wage a war against injustice in our land instead of promoting communalism.

Kamal Dai, be a reformer not a right-wing wacko. Or just leave politics and open a tennis academy and one day, we could have our own Djokovic, Nadal and Federer. Well, Ganesh Dai failed to give us any Messi or Zidane while he pocketed Karods of Rupees. But maybe you could do a little better. 

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Under Pressure

We, the common citizens want a new constitution by January 22nd, 2015. What do our clowns want? Some want to be ministers and make some dough while some just are hoping that the constitution-writing process will drag on for a few years, so that they can enjoy the free lunch and perks. 

And there might be a few CA members who are praying for a major earthquake to hit us so that they won't have to answer to their constituencies on why they are slacking off. 

Our freeloaders seem to be least worried about meeting the deadline. Now, they tell us that they will at least get the first draft of the constitution ready in a month. So, what were these lazy bums doing for all these months? They meet at resorts, at each others' residences and God knows where but at the end of the day, they still stick to their own numbers. 

Some want 10 provinces, some want 7. Our Emperor wants a powerful President while the Kangaroos and the Unidentified Mundrey Leaders are happy with having a Prime Monster. And what do we want? I think we will be happy with anything. 

We really don't care if we have 124 provinces or four Presidents and six Prime Ministers at the same time. Our government has never been for the people. We all have had to fend for ourselves without any help from the incompetent government.  Our dreams and hopes are being hijacked by a less than a dozen crooks and we still seem to be okay with it.

We did not elect these buffoons so that they could keep on procrastinating and extending the deadline again and again. We have already wasted billions of Rupees to feed these greedy lowlifes. 

If our clowns can't deliver us a constitution by the end of next month, then we should all take to the streets and gherao all their residences and ask for a refund. Yes, why should they get paid to do nothing?

If they can't deliver us a constitution by next month then they have no right to take salaries and perks from then on. Well, we won't mind if our clowns take another decade to finish the constitution if they promise to work for free, without taking a single Rupee from the state treasury. 

But of course, our clowns are not volunteers and they are not in it to build a better Nepal. These crooks are in it only for the money. They only know how to loot. Even pickpockets in Ratnapark have better morals than our clowns.

We need to remind our clowns that our country does not owe them anything. The state treasury is not their personal piggy bank and they should be ashamed of themselves for looting the state treasury to fatten their bellies. 

But it's the other way round. Before our clowns get elected, they all seem malnourished and they own only a pair of slippers, two pants and  three shirts at the most. After a few years in power, they look well-fed, well-dressed and they seem to have enough dough to last another three generations.

The Americans are doing fine with four sheets of paper written more than two centuries ago. The only bad thing is that everybody gets to bear arms and there is always shooting somewhere in Amrika. The British don't even have a written constitution and they are okay with it. The Queen will probably live to be hundred and Prince Charles will leave everything and be a monk.

New Zealand and Israel don’t have codified written constitution either and they are doing better than some of the repressive regimes with so-called constitution. We could learn a thing or two from them. Yes, our remote mountain areas could be a good place to shoot many 'Middle Earth' movies and we could ask the Israelis to help us grow tomatoes in all our pot holes in the city.  

Instead of being under pressure to deliver us a constitution, our clowns are busy pressuring the CIAA not to take action against folks who were caught leaking question papers for the MBBS exams. 

The question papers were sold for a million Rupees. I guess our top leaders also received some commission because it seems that Oli Dai and Sheru Dai are asking the CIAA wallahs to release those arrested in the scam.

We would have had a constitution by now if we had come up with a national lottery system where anybody above the age of 25 could apply to be picked as a lucky 'CA' member. 

Maybe, we should try the 'lottery thing' after the CA-II fails. Maybe, 601 common citizens will work together to find common ground to resolve all the disputed issues and finish the constitution-writing process on time. 

After we are done with the constitution, then maybe, we should just ban all political parties, our most corrupt institution and have a people's parliament where lucky draw winners get to be MPs for a year. 

Our government won't have to hold elections every year or two and waste billions of Rupees and we won't have hundreds of useless political parties extorting everyone they see.

Our clowns will probably give themselves another three month extension and that too just to come up with a first draft of the constitution. Well, let us all get back to our lives, and call the local cooking gas dealer to give us a cylinder for now.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Age Limit

Our incompetent government has decided to introduce new age limit for those who want to get their driving license for public transport vehicles. Earlier, the minimum age to drive our public vehicles was 21 but now, you have to 25 years old and on top of that, you have to pass your class ten exams.

Every year, more than half of our SLC candidates fail their exams. Hundreds of thousands of young folks who want to drive our public vehicles will now have to wait until they are 25 and must have passed their SLC by then. 

And if one is a SLC Pass then one would rather pursue further education or maybe take other vocational classes so that he or she can go abroad to make a few more Dinars and Ringgits instead of driving our public vehicles. 

Maybe our government is planning to introduce driverless public vehicles with the help of Google soon because if the 'class ten pass' thing is implemented then we won't have anybody driving our public vehicles.

Our government thinks that raising the age limit and having a minimum education requirement will prevent road accidents across the country. Our sarkari hakim sahebs should focus on providing us better roads and directing our traffic personnel to strictly monitor speeding, weight limit on goods carried and not allow public buses to overload with passengers. 

But of course, our government agencies don't want to take the blame. Yes, blame the rowdy drivers and their khalasis. Blame the common folks for not listening to the traffic cops and sitting on roof tops of public vehicles without worrying about their safety. 

Just because one is 25 and a SLC pass does not mean that he or she will drive safely and follow all traffic rules. If one is able to read and write then one is considered literate. If our new drivers are able to read the signs and follow the speed limit then that should be enough. Why is our incompetent government introducing new rules that don't make sense? 

You don't need to take biology, physics and chemistry classes to drive a public vehicle. It should be mandatory for our public vehicle drivers and his or her crew to carry first-aid kit and know CPR. 

It would be better if our drivers and their khalasis took some classes from health workers on how to make a sling, attended to minor medical emergencies and even deliver babies if needed. 

Yes, passing your ten class English exams is great but it is okay if our drivers don't know who Shakespeare is or can't recite any poems by Alfred Tennyson. If our driver can belt out few Narayan Gopal hits or the latest Dohori numbers then that should be good enough.

Our sarkari hakims tell us that 70% of the road accidents in the country are due to the negligence of our drivers. Our government has also formed a taskforce to find out the reasons for road accidents and come up with solutions to prevent such accidents in the future. Instead of wasting money on committees to investigate this and that, just build better roads and maintain them.

Maybe, our government should introduce new rules for contractors building our roads. Our Road Department wallahs should also be held accountable along with our slimy contractors for roads that don't last a few months after completion. 

When it comes to road accidents, if we can control speeding by our public bus drivers then road accidents in the country could be minimized. And the number one problem is our mobile phones. 

It seems that nearly all of our public vehicle drivers like to either talk on their phones or fiddle around for songs on their playlist while driving along the narrow roads. 

Folks who want to apply for public transport driving licenses must also have two years of experience driving lighter vehicles. That means, you can still apply to drive big buses even if you have two years experience driving around town in a Nano. 

Our government should start a driving institute for those interested to drive public vehicles and the classes must run for at least a year. Hundreds of thousands of young folks can take the classes, get certified by qualified instructors and they could make some decent money driving heavy-load vehicles in the Middle East. 

Before heading abroad, we can make it mandatory for them to drive our public vehicles in the country for at least two years. Then, we won't have to worry about not having enough folks to drive our public vehicles.

The maximum age limit for new license applicant is set at 59.  Whoever came up with the age limit should be awarded with a President Medal. I think our cabinet should further endorse the age limit for politicians as well. 

Yes, we are okay with a 25-year-old becoming an MP and the maximum age limit should be 59. So by the time, one is 63, he or she will step down and be a mentor for other politicians or engage in social service instead of hogging the limelight and staying in power until one drops dead.

We should also have a two year experience for our future MPs. They should at least work two years in a rural area before they can qualify to stand for election. 

And yes, let's raise the bar when it comes to education. Instead of just a SLC pass, we should have MPs who at least have a Bachelor's Degree and can speak, read and write simple English so that they don't get lost when in transit in international airports.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

C for Corruption

According to the Transparency International (TI), we are now ranked 126th out of 175 countries in the Corruption Perceptions Index (CPI).  Let us congratulate our clowns, civil servants and contractors for helping us slip down 10 positions from the previous year. If we follow the current trend then don't be surprised if we are at the bottom of the list by 2020. 

Our politicians have been ripping off the public but we simply don't have any courage to stand up and fight back. We are slowly turning into a police state where freedom is speech is a crime. 

Police brutality has been increasing over the years and our police wallahs do not discriminate when it comes to thrashing protesters, be it the monks, women or even children and senior citizens. 

It's about time our police wallahs learn other techniques to control the crowd peacefully and without violence. Maybe, we should have meditation classes for our cops. Let us move away from laathi-charging and kicking common citizens. IGP saheb could do us a favor if he introduced a new guideline on how his police personnel should speak with the public. I don’t think we are all born foul-mouthed.

Our political parties are the most corrupt institutions we our land.  Our so-called leaders only think about their cousins and cadres instead of the country and common folks. If it weren't for our clowns trying to make money from every government contracts or postings and transfers, then we would have a more efficient bureaucracy. 

Our sarkari peons make more than mid-level managers in the private sector. And they make double their salary from chiya kharcha from service seekers. Our hakims sahebs make less than 50 grand a month but they have property worth millions.  Our Army Generals and senior police officers live like kings. No wonder their wives are called 'Maharanis'. 

Our clowns sacrifice everything to fight the system and once they get the kurchi, they forget everything and engage in corruption. Those politicians who are good at extorting the dough from civil servants, contractors and con artists get the ministerial position.  

Yes, Sushil Da is an honest man and he has only three mobile phones to his name but the rest of the crew are having fun with the kickbacks.

Our netas and hakim sahebs are not ashamed. It is us, the common citizens who are embarrassed by such reports.  e already have one of the world's worst international airports and our government agencies are least bothered about it. I think TIA should only allow patients suffering from chronic sinusitis to enter its restrooms.

Our super hero Lokman has been busy going after the small fishes but he has yet to catch the big sharks.  It seems that the CIAA is only able to go after low-level employees while the big hakim sahebs and our mantris get away with the loot. 

If Lokman wants to have a comic book like Batman and Superman, after he is done with his CIAA stint, then he should arrest all personal aides of our former mantris and top leaders. These personal aides must have their black books somewhere. If we can get hold of them diaries then we will probably know how much bribes have been received from civil servants seeking promotions and lucrative transfers. 

Our slimy contractors and fake VAT Bill byaparis must be forced to stand for a public trial and let us not let them walk away until they tell the whole world how much they had to cough off to get the big government contracts or to evade billions of Rupees in taxes.

Corruption is everywhere. In most of the countries except our SAARC region, corrupt folks are shamed, held accountable and serve lengthy jail terms and have their asset confiscated. In this land of ours, those convicted of corruption spend a few years in jail and pay fines amounting to not even ten percent of what they looted. 

It's hard to believe that our former ministers who have been convicted of corruption only made a few Karods illegally. And when they come out from prison, they are welcomed by their cadres as if they came back victorious from some battle.

Our incompetent government should open a new ministry so that we can all pay our bribes in one location. Yes, let's have a Ministry of Corruption where service seekers pay bribes and get a slip. They can show the payment slip at the concerned government agency and the hakim saheb and his crew can get their share of chiya kharcha transferred to their bank accounts at the end of the month.  

We all know that our current crop of leaders, civil servants and even good for nothing civic leaders will not do anything to control corruption. Most of them are from the same lot and they only care about themselves and not the public.

What about us? What should we do? Maybe, we should just boycott these corrupt individuals. Our media should stop taking their pictures and covering their hawa-tari speeches and other nataks. We are all tired of hearing about constitution for the past six years. Our clowns are only happy to engage in corruption.

I think our media should just report on corruption and blank out all political nataks until our clowns give us a new constitution. Who cares if our comrades are now split into a dozen parties? Who cares if our Emperor is having a cold or if Oli Dai's boli is as good as a goli. 

Let us not make our corrupt clowns heroes. They are not our saviors, they are blood sucking parasites. We have to yet develop a vaccine to get rid of these parasites. Maybe, we can ask NaMo.  He seems to have answers for everything.