Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Fast & Furious...

Happy Teej Seej to our Hindu women who dress up in them red saaris, wear them gold sold ko mala sala and dance to them songs like 'Poila Jaanaw Paam!' hehe!

According to them Hindu guff-suff, Parbati did all them tapawsya so that she could get that hippie Lord Shiva. Shiva the hobo was mighty impressed with Parbati's nataks and finally agreed to marry her rey.

Today, more than 300,000 Hindu women clad in red saaris will throng Pashupatinath Temple and bow their heads to Lord Shiva's thing. I really find all these Teej circus acts disgusting anyway.

Teej must have been a very simple affair back in them days but now it's like them Saari sellers, our jewelers and even the Dohori singers have conspired to make our Hindu women spend more than she can afford kya.

Yes, dancing and singing songs tuh ramrai ho. Ladies day out tuh hoonai paryo ni... but all that fasting for a husband or fasting in hopes of bagging a good husband is not only old school but is really jpt.

Ahiley ko jawana ma yo sabai bakwaas ajhai chali rahecha ..... I think we, men, should also have a festival for ourselves hai. How about 'Tej' where men do the fasting ni? I really don't get this 24 hour fasting thing and then gorging on all them spicy and fried foods before or after them fast sast.

Instead of spending thousands of Rupees on them saaris, potey sotey, gahana sahana ... why not baroo start a new bank nai. 'Nepal Women's Bank' where every Teej, millions of women contribute Rs 100. Ani loans only for women, tyo pani only for small businesses, education and health etiyaadi.

Fokatey ma party palace ma kharcha and all them music system and flaunting of them expensive saaris and soon ko dalla kya. And instead of fasting sasting, baroo our women should enjoy fruit salads and smoothies ni baroo... and them husbands should prepare them food sood ni hoinuh?

What about them girls/women who are praying for a good husband? Well, since you might not know who will turn out to be your 'man', just ask some random guy to make a mango lassi and a fruit platter for you.... and tell him to just deliver them stuff at your doorstep and then shoo him off before you open the door... hehe!

Anyways, Happy Teej to our women... happy dancing and singing but say no to all them 'fasting' for them husband might not be lasting hehe!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Few Good Men....

Jhallu Baba thinks his so-called six month government was a success rey. Of course ni.... he walked out of Baluwatar with a 1.5 crore ko naya SUV and he can now attend them wedding ceremonies with them bodyguards and what not.

Gokarna Bista was the only good guy in Jhallu's cabinet. According to our laws saws, them former ministers get to keep their vehicles for 15 days and drive around Kathmandu enjoying free fuel, security and what not. But our former mantris never return them vehicles, guards etiyaadi.

I think NepalUnites ko next campaign should be 'Hamro gaadi firta dey' kya!

And what did Bista do when them sarkari hakim suggested that he take them sarkaari gaadi? Well, he walked out on foot, got into a taxi to attend BRB's oath-taking ceremony rey and then went home without gaadi or guards.

Way to go ... Bista, hope one day, we will have more folks like him than the usual 'chor' crowd who get to be them ministers. Our new Home Minister is the one-eyed, former Kangaroo now Madeshi leader, Mr. Guccha-Daar (euta ankha chahi guccha cha rey kya!).

According to them wikileaks, the Amrikan Embassy ko top 10 'corrupt' list ma , Mr. Bijaya Kumar Gachhedar ranks numero uno rey. And Bijaya dai will now make crores when his PA pressures the IGP to transfer 'good' cops to Siberia and 'corrupt' cops to them ghoos-khaney thau sau.

The most powerful position in Nepal government is that of the Home Minister. Prime-Monster tuh team captain matrai ho.... and our mantris will use their position and power to make enough to last their 7 pustaaz!

As a Home Minister, he or she (hope someday we will have a mantri-ni) can use them police-wallahs as slaves and make tons of money by extorting them cops for promotions, postings and what not.

If we had people like Bista as our Home Minister then maybe our cops would do their duty well instead of being chors kya.

Gachhedar has been them mantri santri many times during his Congressi days. And someday he wants to be the first Madeshi prime-monster rey. And if we do disintegrate into 24 little kingdoms then he can be a King Singh in some Terai rajya ni.

Let's get back to Bista hai. The guy nearly got killed when them mundrey goondas (Eh-Maley kai ho rey!) attacked him on the night he was appointed them mantri santri. And today, he has refused to use them government vehicles and them security. Like Baburam, he is also saving us some money ni.

But Jhallu is not ashamed. Makune and Prachandoo are still driving around in them SUVs. Them netas think BRB's Mustang ride is just another publicity stunt. Abuh chor nai chor haroo ko hool ma ek dui jana lai joker bhanchan nai!

The CA's term has been extended to another three months. This is it... BRB has 90 days to wrap things up. Prachandoo wants him to fail. Them Madeshi netas will be on a looting spree and don't really care what happens while our Kangaroos and Eh-Maley will say 'No' to everything BRB proposes... jay bhaye pani.... let's hope for the best hai!

Mero tole ko local 'poet' laureate tells me, 'Kya joke hagi.... both Mao-buddies and Madeshi forum-wallahs have their own army sarmy, goonda soonda, arms sarms... this is like them warlords in Afghanistan forming a government.... Baburam ek jana lay kay garcha?'

And Dr. Saheb, can you ask them police-wallahs not to empty them bato ghato when you are driving around.... security risk hooncha bhancha yee hamra chor-police haroo ... but you have nothing to worry kya... baroo hami sangai traffic jam ma goodyo bhaney jhan facebook fans bawd-cha ni.. hehe!

Monday, August 29, 2011


Dr. Shorty Pants is finally our prime-monster. The Mao-buddies made a deal with our Madeshi netas. All them goondas (so-called political activists) who murdered innocent civilians during them Mao-Madesh-war swar won't have to worry about facing the music.

Yestai ho Nepal ma.... no wonder all them criminals join them political parties ni.... lootnuh, maar-nuh painey .... jail sail janoo naw-parney kya.

10,000 Madeshi lads will get to wear them fatigues and play 'army' sarmy ... yestai deal seal gardai ... naya sarkar banney bhayo! A Madeshi neta gets to be our Home Minister ... with due respect to all our Madeshi brothers and sisters but them Madeshi netas haroo lay chahi lootya chan hai.

Abuh 'Pahadi' police-wallah haroo lai nikkai pel-nay hola ni... hehe! Sabai neta haroo chor nai hoon .... afnai cadres ruh chamcha haroo lay tuh moaz garney ho ni!

If only Prachandoo hadn't wasted his and our tyam by trying to act like a bully... them peace process natak would have come to an end by now. But then he resigned and we had two Eh-Maley jackasses who happily lived in Baluwatar and left with them SUVs.

Baburam is a doer not a double speak jackass like them other prime-monsters. We have had three other comrades as our 'Chief Ribbon Cutter' ani 3 karod kharcha for them SUVs. Baburam saves money... afno pani ani janta ko pani.

He is the only guy who used to return them bhatta satta when he went on them foreign trips. He has decided to save us taxpayers some 80+ lakhs by driving around Kathmandu in a 'Made in Nepal' Hulas ko Mustang jeep seep!

Jhallu and Makune wasted our two years by doing nothing. Now, Baburam doesn't have much time left to clean up the mess but he will try his best. And even if he fails... we should just be happy that at least he won't be doling out millions of Rupees (PM ko fund batuh) to his chamchas, cousins and crooks!

Thank God Baburam doesn't drink. If he did then he would probably drink Ruslan Vodka hola. He is not a whiskey guy like Prachandoo ni. His dinner is mostly two rotis, daal and sabji. At least we will save some on them chicken chilly, whiskeys and what not.

Them Congressis and Eh-Maleys have decided to sit outside the fence. They will do all they can to create obstacles because they are not sharing the loot this tyam.

The CA will see another 3 months extension (comrades want 6 months rey)... can Baburam wrap things up by then? Will Prachandoo really help Dr. Saheb or just stab him in the arse again? If nothing happens by then ... Baburam should do a 'Hazare' ... go on a bhog-hadtaal in Baluwatar and ask the people to rise up ani sabai lai thik-thaam ma purai-dim naw!

Lau.. congrats to Hisila Yami didi... this year's teej will be boombastic for her... Baburam dai ko kapaal tuh abuh jhan sabai seto hoonay bhayo... taruh pani... good luck and don't let Prachandoo daka drag you down!

Baburam ko kaam garo cha... it's like trying to complete a marathon in less than an hour kya. It's just not possible but maybe you can catch a micro-bus half-way through the race (hehe!) and complete this peace process, integration natak satak.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Blame it on Us.....

Our political parties have their own goondas. Nepal ma bhancha ni... them dons are afraid of them cops and them cops are afraid of them netas and them netas are afraid of them dons rey.

The Pancheys had them mandaleys. Kamal Thapa, Deepak Bohra, Uttam Pun etiyaadi. Kamal dai is still going strong, playing tennis and football and singing love songs for Lord Vishnu. He still rules Hetauda... once a Dada always a Dada ni!

Deepak dai became our 'forest' mantri again... last year and he made crores again. He owns banks, hospitals and what not... and is still rules Bhairahawa.

Uttam dai used to be a mantri in them panchey days and his bank got liquidated by NRB but he hasn't paid them crores to them depositers kyaaruh. Uttam dai ko thau chahi Pokhara ho... he now owns more land than God kyaaruh.. lakeside dekhi airport samma kya.

Then we had our Kangaroos... Late Girija did DB Lama, our ex-IGP and Col. Bharat Gurung a favor by returning their properties (worth 100 crores!) and giving them a 'get out of jail' free gift voucher.

DB dai went on to win them election from Rasuwa (Congressi ticket ma) and now he's them chairman of former police-wallah association kyaaruh. He had to pay like 10 croroes as 'thank you' gift to GP rey.

Both Kangaroos and Eh-Maleys have their own goondas. Milan Chakrey visits KP Oli's wife to receive bhai tika every Tihar. All them so-called dons are now members of the youth organization of some political party. Ani... police wallahs have stopped arresting them goons because uni haroo kai tyam waste bhayo rey.

Them netas start calling and threatening our cops.. ani kay gaw-ros tuh bichara haroo lay? Salaam thok-nay, bhan-soon garyo, ramro thau ma posting ... choop chaap anka ma patti layo ani basney ni!

And in the recent news, them Congressi goondas shot them Eh-Maley goondas. The Eh-Maley guy got killed and then our Youth Force-wallahs vandalized them hospital and shut down Chitwan. Lau .. afai afai lawd-ney ani kinuh janta lai matra dookhaw diney kay taal ko!

Kathmandu ma chai.... the Maoist trade-union don , Shalik Ram Jammai-Cartel got hit in the head by some guy ... he's now in Norvic, enjoying his chicken noodle soup hola. And the poor guy, another Maoist cadre who found the union wallah lying in them bushes in BaberMahal was arrested for sodh-pooch!

Hamro Nepal Police ko kaam garney tarika pani mannai parcha hagi! Them cadres shut down Kathmandu and want them police-wallahs to take action against them culprits rey.
Now they have formed two different panels to investigate the attack against Shalik dai.

Is this a freaking joke? If you guys want to battle it out, shoot each other then don't bother us ni and if one of you get killed then it's not our fault .. hoinuh ruh?

We are being held hostage by our crooked politicians, chor-Police and mundrey goondas.... abuh khoi kay garney ho.... yesto taal lay tuh kasrai bachney yo desh ma?

We might have to ask them kuireys to open some kind of a cloning lab here in Nepal. We might have to clone 100 more Ramesh Kharels... or we might just have to form our own 'janta' party. Harek tole ma neighborhood watch program soo-roo garnoo paryo... we should learn from them Newars in Patan, Bhaktapur and Kirtipur kya.

Kehi bhayo ki... sabai ama, bau, chora , chori , bajey , bajai.. kodalo, hasiya, kharpan , jay paucha tuh tyehi bokay-ruh bato ma aucha ni... we can't expect them cops to help us ni! The only way we can fight them mundrey goondas chahi we have to be united... and sabai tole , gau baasi nai uthay-ruh pitnoo parcha kya!

Ani Aajuh Prime-Monster ko election... lau Baburam feri board first auney bhayo!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

New Idiot....

Who will be our 35th Prime-Monster? Our bet is on Baburam but at the end of the day, it's once again them Madeshi netas who will decide who gets to live in Baluwatar.

According to our sources, if the Madeshi parties vote for Dr. Saheb, then our new home minister will be a Madeshi neta rey.

It doesn't matter if we have a Pahadi or a Madeshi or an alien as our ministers ni... all of them will be busy looting kya. Them Madeshi netas talk about discrimination and what not but they have done nothing to really help them folks in Terai.

It's all about making the moolah while they can because you never know if you will ever be a mantri again ni. Neta lay moaz naw-garey kasley garney ni... janta lay?

Just because the Army Chief is a Gurung or our foreign minister is a Yadav doesn't mean everything is going well ni.... our country is still governed by the NBC-wallahs.

The Newars-Bahuns-Chettris combo platter is still number one when it comes to them sarkaari kaams and neta-giris kya. And none of them went to private schools ... so if you want your kids to be a sarkaari hakim either send them to government colleges or make sure they take a crash course on Nepali when they come back from bidesh kya.

The former Armed Police Force ko IGP Basnet's daughter is now a sarkaari karmachaari. Daddy knows best... hehe! Yes, it's about tyam we ask our young folks to take them Public Service Exams and join them sarkaari offices.

Ms. Basnet will be going to Amrika for her Master's paid for by the government. I think she got in because she is smart... so no I am not bitching about her hai.

One day, she will be our Ambassador-ni. We need more young folks like her.... to be hakim sahebs... and maybe in the next twenty years, when people like her get to be them hakims.. ani ali change hoocha ki hamra sarkari karmachariz haroo?

I don't know her but if you are interested to join them civil service, call her up and get some tips kya. She works at the Paw-rastra Mantralaya. I think them E4Nepal wallahs should invite her to their 'Thursdays' thing @ Hotel Dwarika kya.

Yes, Nepal ma bhan-shoon tuh chali halcha and it helps if your parents are netas and civil servants but I hear them exams are really tough and you really need to do well... this is not like our Tourism mantri appointing his 8th grade-pass saathi as chairman of Nepal Airlines ni.

And Sarkaari jagirs are very safe kya. Once you are hired, then even God can't fire you rey. And the pay is much better than them private-wallahs. Even the peons now make like 10 grand a month and they get all bhatta-satta.

So our so-called ethnic fronts should rather focus on educating them minorities and preparing them for civil service rather than bitch about the NBCs kya. Just because you have a PhD doesn't mean you will get a job at the National Planning Commission ni... everything is freaking politicized in this country.

So if we want to beat them white men of Nepal (hehe.. the NBCs) then we have to make sure that them minorities get access to them resources which will help them to compete ni.

But be it them Madeshis or so-called Jan-Jaati netas, they are all busy using them funds (state, INGOs etiyadi) to help their own chamchas .... ani jaat-bhaat ko kura gardai dhoong-mooda garcha!

The funny thing about them Maoists is that they have all these Newa Rajya, Tamang this, Limbu that... and most of them committee members chahi aroo jaat ko rey. That's like NAACP being led by a white man, maybe Rush Limbaugh ... hehe!

Jhallu Baba is also getting a new SUV from them hydro projects like Makune and Prcahandoo did. So add another Karod and annual lakhau ko kharcha to maintain his free ride, fuel suel, guard saard etiyaadi!

It's about time we asked them vehicles back from all them netas kya. They have enough dough (from all them extortion and looting) to buy a G6 and fly around ni.... kinuh hamrai pasia matruh lootnay ho?

Poudel went to file his papers for them PM ko election only after 12:30 rey.... our netas seem to trust them astrologers more hagi. Even Jhallu baba, our so-called comrade was doing a puja when he entered Baluwatar.

Mohan Baidya was also seen placing them tikas on his PLA men's foreheads. What's wrong with our communists? I though they prayed to Marx and offered ladoos to them chors like Lenin, Stalin and Mao!

Tomorrow, Baburam and Ramu dai will be heading to BICC and drinking tea and samosas. Hope they have finalized them lucrative ministries to them Madeshi netas because without their votes, it's just not possible kya.

Ramu dai won't win .. we know that for sure.... I guess he was never good at math sath hola. Baburam needs the Madhesi votes and our great leaders from Terai won't vote for him unless they get them SUVs and mantra-layas kya.

It really doesn't matter who wins .... I think Baburam should have waited hola... abuh Prachandoo lay khutta tani halcha ni but our friend, Upendra Yadav will continue to be our foreign minister hola... hehe!

He is the luckiest man out there. He's got a new girlfriend, he gets to travel around the world and he must know all them local slangs pani abuh tuh!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Ek Hazar Hajur-Amas

Guff Suff: Guffadi / The Week - Republica, Friday, August 26th 2011. This is the editor's version... (no) thanks editor saheb for omitting 'kissing and adding 'pleasing' when it comes to them 'arses'... hehe!

Jhallu Baba must be relieved now. His blood pressure is back to normal rey and he no longer suffers from constipation as well.

He does not have to please Prachandoo’s arse anymore. Well, the final flattery failed to do any magic but he should be happy that he will now get all them perks that comes once you become the prime-monster.

He no longer has to inaugurate them toilets and art exhibitions. He now inaugurates jewelry expos and maybe he should also move into real estate expos and then vehicles and maybe one day, our prime-monsters will crash them house-warming parties pani.

He is now enjoying his stint as our caretaker prime-monster. Aba time-pass garney ni. Well, he might not get to enjoy like Makune did but he should loosen up and enjoy the comedy circus acts of them players who are busy running around trying to convince other clowns to back them up.

BRB is working over-tyam rey, trying his best to be nice and cordial to everyone so that them clowns will finally agree that he is the best bet to bring all this natak to an end.

Dr Saheb should have been given the opportunity after the Prachandoo sarkar resigned but I guess, in Nepali politics, it’s always your own people who stab you in the arse ni.

Prachandoo is also very busy learning Mandarin and how to use them chopsticks. He is the authorized agent for some Chinese so-called NGOs hawadaari plan for the Disney-fication of Lumbini!

It’s been three years and three months and our netas are more worried about how long the CA’s term should be extended rather than getting things done.

Them buffoons promised us that they would show us the first draft of the Constitution when they voted for them extension on May 28. Next week, they will vote again to extend their pay checks, bhatta satta and what not.

So what exactly did our clowns accomplish in the last 90 days? We should not be mad at our netas because we all work on Nepali tyam ni. Deadlines are for kuireys kya. Our netas are better off if they keep on extending their “consensual” looting of the national coffers. So what if they can’t form a consensus government, we would love to see Ramu Dai fail for the 18th tyam ni.

That would be an inspiration for our young folks. Try again and again and even if you fail for the 17th tyam, no worries… just try again.

The level of patience should not be displayed when trying to woo a damsel because you might look like a stalker, a pervert or you might just need to leave the matchmaking to your family pujari.

And what’s this talk about rotational system? Are they trying to write a constitution or sharing a bag of chips? Why not have each CA clown be prime-monster for an hour and he or she gets to do some ribbon-cutting? Maybe then their egos will be boosted and we can have our constitution ready in 600 hours ni instead of extending it forever.

Across the border, Anna Hazare has shaken the Desi government. In a nation of over a billion people, a 73 year old senior citizen has shown them corrupt clowns that he is not afraid to die for a cause and millions of Indians are behind him.

He just wants them corruption nataks to end and is fighting for a Lokpal bill which will help to prosecute them corrupt netas ni.

We could start looking for our Hazare here in Nepal but we are Nepalis, we actually love our momos and chicken chilly so the question of fasting might be a little too much hola hagi.

So instead of looking for our ‘Hazare,’ why not get Ek Hazar Hajur-Amas to take to the streets and we’ll stand beside them and play our madals and guitars while our grannies beat our clowns with brooms, pans, daadoo, panyuz and anything they can get their hands on.

It’s time for them ladies to show our netas how they discipline their kids. Sabai chor haroo ko kaan saw-ma-tey-ruh naw nimuh-th-ay samma kehi hoonay wala chhaina!

We don’t have a civil society; they are busy carrying them party banners. Our so-called intellectuals are busy writing Op-Ed columns or busy attending them literary festivals.

And so it’s about time, NepalUnites, the Facebook wallahs, should get all mothers to join them and visit each CA clown, corrupt civil servant and criminal and teach them how to Dougie. Ye, sorry, I meant straighten up our chors and force them to mend their ways.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

National Dress...

Are you better off than you were three and half years ago? Well, them only folks who are living the 'Nepali' dream are our politicians, civil servants and contractors kya. For the rest of us, things are getting worse hagi?

We got rid of the 'Royal' tag (but you can still drink Royal Stag!), we got rid of Lord Vishnu (but you can still pray to Lord Prachoo!) and we even changed our national anthem but there are many things which have remained the same.

Does anybody know what our national animal is now? It was them 'Holy Cow' last tyam... kyaaruh and aajuh ko guff chahi hamro national dress ko barey ma hai.

Yes, even our Supreme Court wallahs have decided that 'Daura Suruwal' nai hamro national dress ho rey. And our Madeshi netas are pissed and they plan to burn them 'Pahadi' dress rey.

When the original 'Maobadi', King PNS was walking around Gorkha, them 'Daura Suruwals' were cool hola but nowadays... it's tough to walk around in them stuff kya. I mean if you have to pee then you need to buy a manual from Sajha Prakashan on how to untie them tunna hehe.

Jhallu does love his 'Daura Suruwal' ... and Prachandoo tries to be a Nepali by donning a topi but he loves them suits. I am just waiting for our Dr. Saheb to be our new prime-monster. I hope he will wear them hyalf pyant kya when he takes his oath soath.

Ani hamro national dress nai half-pyant banai dim nuh hoodai-naw? Feri jado ko mausam ma ali garo hola hagi?

And the speaker of the CA, Mr. Name-Bang says 'Sabai jaati ko looga national dress ho' ... I think we should do a voting thing on TV and the one that gets the most votes , tyehi nai hamro national dress hooncha ni.

I think our 'Rautey' brothers ko dress up will win them votes. All you need is a bed sheet, half-pyant and a towel kya. That would be fun and affordable for all of us ni. Our ladies won't have to buy them NRs 18,000 ko saaris and the men won't have to buy them expensive suits etiyaadi.

Ani winter ma chahi, we add a 'seerak' (quilt) pani.. tyes pachi you can go anywhere in Nepal... and you don't even need to stay in the them hotels. Just pick a spot bato ko cheu ma, wrap yourself in them quilt suilt and call it a night ni.

Some Madeshi netas want 'dhotis' to be our national dress. Cool! It's must easier to pee when you are wearing a dhoti. I wore one when I was in Bhairahawa last year. It is very comfy as well. And a cousin of Gengis Khan (mero saathi who always tells me that he has some 'Gengis' blood in him!) would like to wear them fur coats and hats and make them our national dress rey.

Well, not all of us live on top of Everest ni... and thanks to khoi climate change ki kay bhancha... even the winters in Kathmandu are not that cold ... so I vote for 'Rautey' dress... what about you?

We can get them cheap bed sheets, towels, and half-pyants from Khasa hola.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Without Our Consent....

Three years and three months later, our netas are still fighting with each other on who gets to be them prime-monster... they sure got their priorities right, don't they?

And now, Deuba has decided to withdraw his naam saam from the race rey... thanks, you have already screwed us enough ni... isn't it funny that the same guy who put them price tags on them Mao-buddies is now drinking whiskey with Prachandoo Sarkar and plotting to stab Baburam in his arse?

I think we should invite Prakash Jha (Desi filmmaker) to visit Kathmandu, baroo 2-3 mahina khaa-naw bas-naw hami nai inta-zaam gardim naw. Then he can make a movie about our netas. Jha makes great movies... be it politics or police or about them 'reservation' stuff. Please watch 'Arakshan' ... Big B is great and I am thinking of teaching them 10 class ko students in my tole ko government school this winter.

I am not a smart guy but I think I can handle 10 class ko Angrezi .. hehe! I still remember my English teacher from Kerala who used to say, 'Gobul went to the Tembul' ... well, I do have them funny accent as well but I think I them 'English Reader' class is pretty easy.

I have no idea if they have new textbooks but I will check ni.... so if you want to join me this winter, teaching them students to pass them 'Iron Gate' nataks then let me know hai!

SP Ramesh Kharel is really kickin some arse in Birgunj. A week ago, some 'Miya' don who happens to be a central advisor to our Mao-buddies was arrested for some murder surder, which took place in 2007.

The guy was driving around, having zarda paan and lotsa fun and nobody had the guts to arrest him. Well, SP Saheb has done it again. He really isn't scared of anyone kya.

I think Kharel should be given the task of finding that UML don, Parshuram Basnet. He should be able to nab that guy in less than 24 hours... I know where that fool is.. he is hiding in KP Oli's house rey.. eating khasi ko masoo!

Yes, one man or a woman can make a difference kya. It took one woman to start Maiti Nepal and even now our government really doesn't care about our sisters being sold in them brothels.

I am not a fan of capital punishment but it's about tyam we really hung them dalals, be it them human traffickers or government tender-wallahs. Well, abuh desh ko former prime-monster nai super-dalal bhaye pachi kasko kay laagcha!

When Dr. Ruit wanted to open an eye hospital, all them sarkari hakims from the sarkaari hospitals did everything they could to stop him. But he prevailed and thousands of folks can finally watch 'Tito Satya' ni!

Our netas talk about them consensus government but the only consensual stuff they do is share the loot from them rastra ko dhukuti ni.

Ramey dai, another Congressi will be trying his luck for the 18th tyam. Arey waa... somebody needs to remind him that he is not climbing Everest kya and if he really wants to be our prime-monster than do a 'Jhallu' .... just go and kiss Prachandoo's arse and promise him that you will be his beeyaatch.

A week left before our stupid clowns extend them CA's term for another three months or so...abuh tuh janta uth-nai parcha hola... this circus act can't go on forever ni.

I am still mad at VAT Mohan Adhikari... Sprite now costs Rs 25 at the kirana pasal. Juice Suice tuh abuh Rs 250+ hoonay bhayo (naya vow audai-cha arko hafta!).... @#$!ing naam ko maatruh communist hoon ye daaka haroo.... sabai paketmaar po rahechan!)

Look at them Desis kya... if the price of pyazz (onions) go up by 50 paisa, them Desis burn shit up and the netas run for the hills... but here in Nepal, milk prices went up by nearly 100% since we became a rip-off-the-public (Republic), nobody complains... now not all of us can afford masoo or even a gift for our sasooz.... hehe!

Khoi... hami nai bewakoof haum.. ani kina naw-loot-wos tuh yee gadha haroo lay!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Nepal, Naples & Nipples....

A redneck once asked me... where I was from .... 'May-hee-co?' ... No, I am from Nepal kya. Where? Naples? You are Italian. No, Nepal kya, land of Mount Everest, Sherpas , Gurkhas etiyaadi.

Well, the hillbilly had never climbed a mountain (neither have I), he had never heard of the Sherpas or the Gurkhas and I also really didn't want to draw a map and show him where Nepal was so I just grabbed the firewood and left the store kya.

And once again, we are now caught up with 'You don't know Nepal, fool' nataks! Okay, the lady didn't know that Nepal was a foreign country rey... hehe... give her a break. Even Rajnikanth doesn't know it and neither does Jackie Chan rey.

Not many people know about Burkina Faso pani... so why are we acting like buffoons just like our stupid netas? Let's be angry at our netas, civil servants and all them chors for making us look like fools when we leave the country with our green passports ni.

Them immigration folks from all around the world stare at us as if we are a bunch of savages, dying to get into their country ... and it's not because we are Nepalis ... it's because our corrupt clowns have done everything they can to get us listed as one of the poorest countries in the world kya.

I heard them Somalians paid them agents in their backyard to get them to Naples rey but somehow they ended up in Nepal... hehe! I feel bad for them... paying tons of money to go watch AC Milan ko football game and they end up here, watching players swim around in the football field at our Rangasala!

A kuire friend once heard me say 'Nipples' when I was actually saying, 'Nepalis' ... it must have been my accent. Always been a big 'Govinda' fan and grew up, talking like him (when he does his Angrezi thing kya!) ... and now I am stuck with this 'Chumma Dey-Do Bihar Lay-Lo' accent .. but I do tend to speak fast sast so people always get the wrong idea hola ni!

If we really have to be pissed then let's get mad at our stupid netas. They now want to extend the CA for another 3, 6 or 9 months rey. The mantri mandal goes for three months, Jhallu Babu wants 6 months and Prachandoo sarkar thinks 9 months lay pugcha rey.

I think we should scrap this CA thing and just have them local elections baroo. Prachandoo and all them comrades can be our ward chairpersons, mayors and mayor-nis. I don't think we need them mantris and prime-monster kya. President cha dai cha.. uslai pani kehi kaam dim naw!

And them festival organizers were scared by bunch of folks who were outraged by the lady's lack of geography ... c'mon... baroo ask our prime-monster and our three big stooges to name all them 75 districts ni.

Well, we might get 200+ districts and what not... whenever we get done with our constitution writing nataks but I would like to know like right now... if our netas even know all them anchals or even the so-called new national anthem .... baroo then let's all get mad and do some andolan ni...

So let us not be mad at the lady hai... forgive her kya... baroo we need to ask Prachandoo to get a twitter account... would be fun ni... he thinks Bangkok, Singapore and KL are not foreign cities kya... baroo Prachandoo has been to them places more than he's been to Rolpa ... hehe! Hami kahiley hamra chor haroo sangaw risau-nay ni?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Meet the Butcher...

No, I am not talking about Gaddafi or hamrai jackass, Prachandoo... today, we talk about our local butcher, Shammu dai!

Shammu start selling raga ko masu when he was 14 years old. The buffalo masoo used to sell for 30 Rupees per kilo kyaaruh. He sold them ragas like crazy .. he had them Desi cycle and he would go to them restaurants and do some deliveries as well. In few years, he bought a new 'Hero Honda' and got married pani!

Everybody would visit his shop early in the morning and half of the usual visitors were actually vegetarians. The only reason they would swarm the shop and act like they were interested to see them raga-cutting was because Shammu's wife was very hawt kya!

Shammu may not have been a good looking man.. even Johnny Lever looks fair and hensum if he stood next to Shammu and the so-called tole-baasis would be like 'What did she see in Shammu?'

Well, Shammu worked hard and made tons of money ni... while them tole-baasis were mostly descendants of them Ranas' babysitters and dishwashers. And their grandparents had received them jagga sagga from them Rana-ji and they never really worked for it like our Shammu dai ni.

They made fun of Shammu because he was a Kasai (butcher!). I met Shammu dai yesterday. He gave me his business card. He owns a college, a clinic and of course.. a co-operative as well.

He has 7 taxis, 6 Micros, 5 jaggas, 4 houses, 3 meat shops, 2 kids (who are in Amrika doing their Masters!) and 1 lovely hawt wife who still runs the first meat shop in my tole. And she will be hawter than Sophia Loren when she's in her 70s kya!

Shammu dai has asked me to invest in his new business venture. Ek-damai hi-fi meat shop rey. Budget sudget chahi 75 lakhs... I don't know why people think I have money kya. I dress like a hobo and I carry a big bag (looks like I am going trekking) and a chata!

It's been more than three years since I came back from the Land of Hot Dogs and cheap watery-beer (hehe!) and my friend still hasn't sold my old rusty car rey. I think he is using it for storage hola ni! But my chimekis think I have made $$$ and have hidden it somewhere in my backyard.. hehe!

I have advised Shammu dai to call Gaganey .. not that Himalayan Java, smart byapari.. but our CA member and so-called youth leader ni ... hehe! Maybe both of them can be partners since Gagan Thapa is also into masoo sasoo these days!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

The Legend of Krishna...

Once again... it's Lord Krishna's birthday and everyone is having dahi and singing them bhajans hola ni. Our President is back to acting like a 'King' ... I think we should stop inviting them thulo mancheys to be our chief guests for them religious events kya.

Why can't we have Rajesh Hamal baroo... at least hamro bato ghato won't be blocked and he wouldn't need them security clowns ni. Rajesh dai can dress up in a lungi and maybe baroo whole body nai 'blue' paint saint lagau-ney kya!

And our politicians have asked our Lord Krishna aka President Yadav for another 3 days extension rey. I think this 'deadline' thing doesn't work in Nepal... baroo just tell them clowns that they can't extend and ask for more time jahiley pani! Yeso fine sine tiraam nuh yee mora haroo lai... harek din extend gareko 10 crore kya.. sabai paisa tuh yee party haroo lay lootya tuh ho ni!

What happens if you take a bank loan and can't pay back in time?... well you can extend it for a while hola.. then you lose your assets ni... baroo hamro neta haroo lai pani CA batuh nikaal-ney ho ki? Ani sabai budiya ko naam ko jagga ruh bhanja ko naam ko factory pani confiscate garney ho ki?

This is probably the right time for NepalUnites to ask all Kathmanduites to gather at Rangasala at midnight and take out a (solar) torch-rally against corruption, criminals and CA clowns! Yes, Hazare has shown them Desi politicians that they are not the masters ... janta nai saba bhanda thulo ho... yee neta haroo tuh hamra public servants hoon ni.. khoi role nai ulta palta kya!

While the rest of them clowns do them bandhs and rallies during rush hour ... we should do our thing only after 10pm kya (raati dal bhaat khaney ani pachak ya birey noon chapau-dai nikloom naw!)... and we walk from Rangasla to Shital Niwas, wake up the President then visit Baluwatar and wake up Jhallu Baba and then walk all the way to Naya Bazar and start our karyakaram at Prachandoo's palace.

Prachandoo won't be sleeping then... he would have finished his last peg and getting ready for bed... then we ask him to come out and do his standup act and make us all laugh ni. Maybe he will finally speak the truth when he is drunk... or we can listen to his bhasan in Angrezi... yes, we Nepali men love to talk English Singlish when we are drunk ni!

What can we learn from Lord Krishna? Apart from how to be a player and date 1,000+ women ... Krishna the 'Ladies Man' teaches us ...that it is much better for one to perform his own duties, even imperfectly than to try and perform the duties of another person.

It's not our job to write them constitution or be them netas setas ni... hamro job as jantas is to make sure that our politicians and civil servants do their job well without looting them national coffers and enriching themselves kya. Hisab kitab maagnai parcha!

And we need to realize that we are all in this together and we need to help each other out when them civil servants ask for bribes and our netas dole out them state funds to their chamchas and especially when them police-wallahs harass sadharan jantas... we need to stand up and beat these buffoons with them sishnoo pani and make sure that they mend their ways.

I think we can do a rehearsal hola... by doing a mini-rally this week... Indian Embassay ko Agadi .. in support of Anna Hazare .... maybe PartyNepal can organize a party ni.... we can ask them Indian restaurants to prepare them katti rolls and what not, get a DJ to play them Bollywood songs and we gather in front of the Desi Embassy and show that we, Kathmanduites also support Hazare and them Desi folks in India who are sick and tired of them netas' circus acts!

Abuh hamro desh ma Hazare tuh hoinuh.. sabai Hajur-Ama haroo lai batoo-loom ani andolan soo-roo garnoo parla ni! Yes, Euta Hazare might be enough for India ..hami baroo Ek Hazar Hajur-Ama lai yo neta haroo lai thik paar-ney mauka dim .. ki kaso?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

No Parking Please...

My neighbors are mostly decent, law-abiding folks except the Mongolian auntie who seems to have been a 'Hindu Aryan' Mata in her previous life. She starts her puja at 4 am in the morning.

My chimeki, Inspector uncle (he retired 20 years ago kyaaruh) went to her house and asked her to stop ringing them bells shells but she went all pyscho on him and decided to run around the neighborhood accusing him of being a male chauvinist pig kya.

I think I might have to call them 'Magar Samaj' folks and ask them to take her to a Lama and do some jhaar-fook hola ni.

I have nothing against them 'baal-waalahs' ... we all need some space in Kathmandu. Not all of us own them homes and jagga ni. But my neighborhood seems to attract really cool folks like this Marwaari businessman, who looks holy and never leaves home without some white ash on his forehead... but then late at night, he gets into a screaming match with his wife.

Yes, all them married folks do get into thaak-thook but they make up ni.. but you don't get into a brawl every night ni... I think I might have to call the Marwaari Samaj and ask them to look into this kya.

Then there are few jagga dalals... they drive fancy cars ... and they think it's okay to park in the galli (actually, right in front of my back gate) and disappear kya. Few days ago, some jerk parked his SUV and I couldn't find him even after going to sabai chimeki ko ghar shar. Where the @$!# did he disappear?

I am a pro-Tyampoo guy and will only take them taxis after 9pm but sometimes I have to drive my sister's car to run some errands for the family. And every time, I take them vehicle out and when I come back, some jerk has parked his car in front of the gate kya.

After asking everyone if they owned that vehicle, parked in front of my back gate... I had no choice but to drive to the main road and park it there. I slipped a note in them vehicle... promising to place a big badel and then burn the vehicle and have a big BBQ in the neighborhood.

I think it worked ... in few hours, the vehicle was gone. But then another jagga-dalal parked his car today, feri gate kai agaadi. I managed to catch him while he was heading to his apartment. I wanted to give him a flank kick but my father insists that I always talk gently and request and not threaten my chimekis even if they are wrong kya.

I shook his hand and requested him to move the vehicle and not park in the galli , tyo pani hamro gate ko agaadi. Ulto po... bajiya asked me.. 'Who are you, where do you live and where do you come from?'

I wanted to bitch-slap him but I remember my father's advice... hehe! I went on for the next 5 minutes, going back 100 years and talking about my ancestors. Then he replies... 'Abuh Kathmandu ma parking kaha cha ra... yeso gate banda dhekey ani park gardey...'

I nearly lost my cool but decided to slip a 'Halls' in my mouth, chapa-o-ed to the fullest and grabbed his collar and said... 'Sir, tapai ko gaadi main road ma rakhnoos ki joon ghar ma baseko ho tyehi vitra rakhnoos hai'

I think he got the message hola... especially when someone is threatening while chapa-ing Halls ... it looks scary kya!

Well, we used to have the tole sudhar samiti but now most of them home owners have either moved to them housing colonies or are abroad... and them baal-walahs either don't care or think it's okay to park their vehicles, motorbikes and even washing machine (jawana ma!) ... abuh gate ko agaadi maathi ko picture jastai parking sign rakhnai parla!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Smarty Pants vs Incompetent Fools

Guff Suff: Guffadi / The Week - Republica, Friday, August 19th 2011. Editor's cut sut...

Jhallu Baba has resigned, but he still gets to tend to his vegetable garden in Baluwatar because our stupid netas are once again haggling over who gets them lucrative ministries and the prime-monster’s throne.

Now, Jhallu can just relax and start going through them catalogs and choose a gas-guzzling, brand-new SUV which he can take with him once he leaves Baluwatar.

Sher-ey Dai still gets free security, fuel expenses, and a SUV from the government. The last time he was prime-monster, he dissolved them local bodies and it’s been a decade since we have had no local representation in our VDCs, wards and municipalities.

The local leaders of the political parties are skimming off them budget, and they should thank Sher-ey for being such a visionary.

More than twenty years ago, Sher-ey drank tea, slept in a small room in Sanepa, and was single and ready to mingle. Today, he can finish off a bottle of bideshi whisky in less than 60 minutes, lives in a palace in Budalinkantha, and is happily married.

Dr BRB’s life hasn’t changed much in the last twenty years, kyaaruh. He loved them rotis and vegetables then, and he’s still sticking to the same diet now. He doesn’t drink whisky, and he would rather live in a commune than build a mansion for himself.

BRB no longer wears them half-pyants like he did in his schooldays, but we know that this smarty pants will not be doling out millions of Rupees from our national coffer to his chamchas, cousins and cadres. He’ll probably forgo them SUVs and bhatta-satta and be driven around in a Nano, hola.

Sher-ey will probably get two more new SUVs, give one to his wife and keep one for his kid. And his Mrs will probably break our foreign minister’s “world tour” record pani. It happened last time and now it’ll be just fast and furious foreign tour, hola ni.

BRB won’t be making secret deals and handing out suitcases filled with cash, SUVs and other bhattas to them netas to get his job done.

Sher-ey is very good at this, and he’s a team player. He likes to dole out cash, gaadis and foreign trips to other netas and even share the loot if that helps him to stay on top, kya.

Our netas have gotten themselves a pay raise this week. An average Nepali barely makes Rs 4,000 a month while them CA members’ monthly salary and perks are more than an average Nepali’s annual income.

BRB would probably not take his salary but Sher-ey will make sure that all our CA members receive more benefits and have fun in the sun. The people want Dr Saheb to be the national team captain.

Them netas from Prachandoo to every other moron would love to see Sher-ey take the helm because he delivers – not to the people but to them corrupt clowns, ni.

BRB will probably walk all the way from Mechi to Mahakali to meet and listen to the people while Sher-ey would use the Army helicopter to take his wife and kids for a picnic in his gaun, hola.

Yes, we’ve seen three comrades in three years do nothing but cut them ribbons and speak from their arses. Some of us might think our Kangaroos (Congressis) deserve a chance to cut more ribbons and do nothing, as well. The Kangaroos had their chance twenty years ago and they screwed it up pretty bad.

If we’re to blame someone for the mess we are in, then all them credits should go to incompetent Congressis who were busy looting the candy store while the Mao-buddies were fighting with catapults.

Now, the story is different. The roles have reversed. Our comrades are busy looting the national coffer while the Congressis want another chance to loot some more.

And they’ve also failed in their recruitment drive to get more mundrey goondas. I don’t know where in the book did Karl Marx mention that Communists and criminals go hand in glove and gel like butter and jelly, kya?

It doesn’t matter who gets to be our prime-monster. Even if BRB Dai gets to be our team captain, his own comrades will be doing everything they can to screw up his plans, ni.

But we know that Dr Saheb will do some work instead of just cutting ribbons and attending them art exhibitions.

Sher-ey will only just hang loose, drink bottles of whiskeys and get another SUV and more bhatta satta.

If BRB can wrap things up, then it’ll be great. If not, we’ll continue to watch Tityo Satya and go to bed, hola ni.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Salary Hike ....

Them civil servants got themselves a raise last month and now it's tyam for our VVIPs as well. Yes, our President, Prime-Monster and them CA clowns will get more money from now onwards.

The President's job is to do nothing but drink tea, act like them 'King' , attending them festivals and stop traffic and make our lives miserable whenever he drives around town. His previous salary was NRs 72,800.00 Now he gets NRs 92,720.00 ... waa kya mazza!

And aroo daka haroo ko talab ko list sist yes prakar chan ...

Vice-President : 66,570
Prime-Monster: 47,620
Deputy Prime-Monster: 40,170
Minister: 37,560
State Minister: 35,600
CA Member: 34,030

According to them surveys, average Nepali ko annual income is around 42,000 a year kyaaruh. Abuh you do the math kya... kay ko laagi yeti dherai talab diney ho yee bajiya haroo lai?

This is only them basic salary kya.... our CA clowns also get extra pocket money to pay their electricity, water, telephone , internet, magazinea ko bill sill rey. Total ma chahi, each CA clown receives like NRs 62,868.00 per month.

And they gets Rs 200 for signing in at the CA and another Rs 150 as travel allowances ... which comes to like NRs 10,000 per month rey. So these jackasses are making like 70K a month doing nothing and we are not complaining kya.

I think them salaries should be pegged to the annual income thing hoinuh ruh? If an average Nepali makes only 40K a year then our CA member should not get more than that ni.

Khoi.. kaslay karau-ney ho... all them former prime-monsters and so-called thulo netas still get free gaadi, fuel and maintenance expenses and drive around with 20+ police-wallahs... and we pay for it ni.. uni haro ko bau ko sampati kharcha garya tuh hoinuh hola?

Maybe we should put this 'salary' thing in the new constitution pani.... like , you get paid only Re 1 a month kya. It's a shame that our netas make billions of Rupees by taking a cut from everything from state contracts to local bato ko tender sender and yet they are neither embarrassed nor ashamed to ask for free gaadi, security and bhatta satta.

Anna Hazare should be invited to Kathmandu, after he finishes his 'fast' sast .. hola. I think NepalUnites should visit Delhi and support Hazare pani.. and then learn a thing or two on how to fight them corrupt netas.

"The land is not their 'father's property'. The citizens are the masters of this country and the ministers are their servants" —Anna Hazare

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Moral Standards...

Nearly a week ago, them schools in Pokhara banned them motorbikes, mobiles and mini-skirts from them school compounds rey. And all this banning tanning to improve student discipline rey.

So from now onwards, them students in Pokhara can't come to school riding them bikes. No more stunts outside them school gates hola ni. And you can't use your mobiles inside them classrooms pani. And our young ladies.. please don't wear them mini-skirts... you are not attending them 'sweet 16' parties kya... you are going to school not some party palace ni!

Some folks think, we need to raise them age limit .... to get your driver's license. I think we just need to have more classes for our young folks and teach them better driving skills and traffic rules kya. Yes, a mandatory three month course ni and the traffic police can conduct them classes and maybe them fees can help to install them traffic lights around the Valley... ki kaso?

And it's not only them young folks... it doesn't matter if you are 16 or 61... and especially them jagga-dalals and them blue-plate wallahs need to take some course on 'parking' hola... timi haroo ko bau ko bato hoinuh kya... jaha payo tyehi park sark garney... hehe!

And talking about them mobile phones, it's also about tyam , our government ban them from sarkari offices kya. Our security personnel nowadays are busy listening to songs or SMSing while on duty. And them police-wallahs call them criminals and help them evade arrests by letting them know that there is a warrant out for them!

I went to the airport last week. The soldier (so-called check-post ma) was busy fiddling with his mobile phones. Them so-called Armed Police Force clowns were busy listening to dohori songs at 4am in the morning while on duty as them security guards for them INGOs. Our Nepal Police ko bahini was busy SMSing her boyfriend (Yes, I asked!) while on duty in front of Jawlakhel Police station kya.

Ani mini-skirts ko chahi.... them folks in Pokhara (teacher, guardians and school samitis) want to raise them moral standards rey. Kay ko standards ho? I don't know about them moral soral thing but only Rekha Thapa should be allowed to prance around in mini-skirts hola ni.

I think our young women should be careful these days. We have more perverts and chors nowadays.... so if you want to dress up like Lady Gaga or whoever... then be ali discreet hai.... like dress up when you attend your school dance party or farewell etiyaadi... but not when you are going to the mall or school ni.

Why? Because we have no laws against them eve teasing... and in this Naya Nepal.... we have all become chaa-da ... not all of us but those who still go around acting like jackasses don't get their arse whooped like in the old days kya.

I think them Pokharelis know a thing or two about them moral standards and what not... baroo yeso hamro desh ko neta ruh sarkari hakim ko pani moral standards check garney ho ki?

Yes, it's about tyam... we ban them Mao-buddies, Madeshi netas and Morons (aroo sabai party) from looting our national coffer ni.... So, all them guardians and school teachers from Pokhara.... come to Kathmandu and ban our corrupt clowns and their money, muscles and man-maani instead kya!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Who's Next?

Sher B. Deuba (aka Lion Brave Give Father) is a former prime-monster. His greatest achievement was dissolving them local bodies ten years ago and leaving us without any elected officials in them VDCs and wards and municipalities kya.

And of course, let us not forget them arms deal when we bought them bideshi weapons and his saalo (Arzoo didi's bhai!) made some dinero from them commission as well. Arzoo didi spent all them tyam attending bideshi conferences and what not.. hamrai taxpayers ko paisa lay!

I think we should let our netas and their chamchas extend them CA term till they fall down dead because until them PLA soldiers are given 10 lakhs gift vouchers... and 2-3 Brig. General ko fooli.. our Mao-buddies will continue to fly to Malaysia and forget about this so-called peace process kya.

What we need is them local elections kya! We want our ward chairpersons, mayors and mayor-nis so that our neighborhoods, gauns and sahars ko budget are spent on them bato ghato and stuff instead of going to them political parties only.

Today, Sher-ey thinks he is the right candidate to lead them national government rey. Well, we have seen three comrades in three years , enjoying their tyam in Baluwatar doing nothing and some of us might want to see a Kangaroo as our national team captain hola but we all know that nothing will happen in the next three months.

Baburam should start pumping iron hola... no one (them netas!) seems to be interested to have him as our team captain. Yes, Prachandoo is afraid... BRB might be popular and it will hurt his ego rey and Deuba thinks he is more competent than Dr. Saheb.

The Congressis had all them opportunities to do the right thing but they screwed it up and sabai thau ma loot-no lootyo!

The Mao-buddies told us that monarchy was the problem but had secret deals with the Raja-badis for a long tyam! Ten years of daang doong... janta nai maryo, neta haroo lai chai kinnuh na marey-ko?

And then one day , our netas ate too much paani-puris in Delhi and decided that if they got rid of Lord Vishnu then they wouldn' t have to share the loot with some Raja. They could all be kings and well, they are now... and unless we divided this country into 24 kingdoms and give a piece to our stupid clowns... we will continue to live in chaos and confusion hola ni.

It doesn't matter who becomes them next Prime-Monster... he (we hope one day 'she' will lead us!) will do nothing but spend the next three months cutting them ribbons and dole out millions of Rupees to his cadres and chamchas.

Ani, lastuh ma chahi he will resign and then blame his own party and other parties and even the Nepali jantas .. hehe... for not supporting his plans to bring this peace process natak to a closure!

Why the hell did Prachandoo resign? Katuwal was leaving anyway.... nobody resigns just because of a General who would retire in a month or two ni. Prachandoo quit because he didn't know what to do... and he was scared that he would lose his 'points' if he stayed on.

Makune, two-time loser, had dreamt of Baluwatar even when Gyanu uncle was Lord Vishnu.... he wanted to it so bad... and then he got his chance and showed the world that you could be a prime-monster even if you lose them elections.

Afno gaun ko janta lay tuh vote na-diye-ko lay hami sabai lai sikauney rey... hehe! Jhallu Baba did his best to kiss Prachandoo's arse and succeeded and betrayed his own party so that he could do a puja at Baluwatar.

Even if BRB gets to be our prime-monster, he won't be able to do much because Prachandoo and gang will do everything possible to screw up BRB's plans ni.. yestai ho Naya Nepal ma... sabai party haroo ma fight sight.... maybe it's about time for another revolution... we, the jantas against them political parties and their mundrey goondas! But we do need a leader ni hoinuh.. khoi... abuh kasley lead garney? I still think MaHa (Madan dai and Hari Bansha dai) could be our Generals ... hehe... abuh tuh ki aaar ki paar ho kya!

Yestai taal ho bhaney, we might have three prime-monsters in the next three months... them other parties want to go for them rotational system rey. We better buy three new SUVs feri ... hamrai paisa tuh ho ni... and every time a crook leaves Baluwatar, we thank him for a job not done by giving him a SUV and free security, fuel and pocket money for the rest of his life.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Hazare's India...

It's been sixty four years since the British left India and if it weren't for them economic reforms in the 90s, our Nepali students in India would still be making some extra pocket money by selling them jeans and dingo boots,and all them stuff from Bishal Bazar hehe!

Thank God.... we were never colonized by the British or else we would have hill stations everywhere and railroads and good schools and better civil servants pani. We have to give it up for our Shumsher Ranas for building all them palaces and no bato ghato!

No, I am not saying that we should have been colonized or something like that. I am proud like all our Nepali patriots like Prachandoo, Gyanu uncle and even Jhallu Baba! But if only our Congressis had followed them Desi's economic formula then, we would be eating McDonald's burgers and SMSing for a paisa hola ni.

Burgers are bad for your health and too much SMSing will lead to crooked fingers rey... so it's better to shut down your own industries and loot the national coffers ni.

Yes, them Desis talk about how far India has come. I really don't care about them Bollywood stars making 10 crores per movie or Ambani and his billion dollar bird's nest. And all them call-center business and whatever is not really what India should be proud of kya.

I do not want to bitch about India today. Happy Independence Day to all my Desi friends ... we should learn a thing or two from them when it comes to all this 'Desh Premi' nataks kya.

Talking about love, the 'Yahoo' man is dead.. Shammi Kapoor is now in heaven, showing them Hindu Goddesses how to do the twist hola ni. I still have them 7-in-1 classic Shammi collection DVD hehe! He really knew how to live life to the fullest... hope one day, we will be as cool as him hagi!

Let's get back to the story of the day. Anna Hazare plans to do his 'bhog-hadtal' from tomorrow and the Desi government would like to do a RamDev II by sending them Delhi Police to break off his fast sast.

The Delhi Police is putting all kinds of conditions to prevent Hazare and his fans from gathering at them park sark rey.

The Prime-Monster of India, Mickey Mouse Singh has promised to take strict action against them corruption nataks rey and he feels that all them fasting sating natak is not the way to go.. leave it to them politicians and the parliament to sort out the mess rey.

Singh used to be King abuh tuh faltoo joker bhayee sakyo. We all know that Rahul Gandhi, the Desi Kennedy Jr. will be taking over the throne in few years. I guess this is what politics is all about hagi... Nehru and his socialist nataks only made few byapari richer.

Indira Gandhi showed them Desis what would happen if they got themselves a dictator-ni and Rajiv Gandhi should not have given up flying. He would still be alive today and maybe flying them 747s ni.

The Indians should stop blaming the British... baroo blame Nehru and the Gandhis for screwing it up for India. But we all need a hero or a hero-ni.. and Rahul Gandhi has no skills.. his sister can kick his arse rey... but he gets to be the next King of India kyaaruh!

Hazare wants nothing more but a strong anti-corruption ombudsman who can take on them netas. Sixty four years and the ordinary citizens of India are still not free. Them Desis should be proud only when everyone of them has access to clean drinking water, affordable housing and at least a job that pays enough to support their families.

Few urban kids munching on burgers or Ambani and Mittal flying like a G6 is not progress kya. And the same goes for our netas and them chor byaparis. To all them so-called.. Range Rover crowd... don't be proud that you drive around in a Ek Karod ko gaadi and go to Radisson for them gym sym and can fly to Venice to celebrate your wife's new haircut hai.

You should be embarrassed like the rest of us that we live in Kathmandu, where there is no paani, all them batos are filled with matos and come winter, no batti for 18 hours. You can brag to your foreign partners (or dalals) about how rich you are but at the end of the day... you do come from a country where folks make barely 200 dollars a year.

So what do we do? I am not angry that you drive around in them SUVs. Good for you, fake VAT Bills, bribing our civil servants and netas to get them contracts.. you did what you needed to do.. but do something for them poor and needy pani kya.

Them Indians have given our Nepal Army, them 109 new vehicles from trucks to jeeps to whatever. And we happily accept them free gift hampers from the Desis and yet we seem to be so anti-Indians hagi.

I think our netas should stop using them SUVs baroo ask them Desis for 600+ free 'Nano' cars baroo. It's about time, we stop accepting them free buses and what not from the Chinese or them Desis.. why are we acting like beggars kya?

So what if we don't have them buses or trucks or jeeps or whatever... our netas better start riding them bicycles ... and our army should throw away their helicopters and them planes pani. Don't spend millions of dollars maintaining them ni... let them rot ... and at least our so-called netas won't be using them planes and helicopters to fly around the country wasting our taxpayers money kya.

We need our 'Hazare' ... but of course we don't have anyone.. all them civil society leaders happen to be a member of a political party and their only goal is to fly to foreign cities to attend them conferences and receive bhatta satta from them INGOs.

Well, it has taken sixty four years for India to be where it is today. We got rid of our Nepali British-wallahs (Shumshers!) 60 years ago and instead of moving forward, we are just changing our players but they seem to play the same game.

Prachandoo should have visited South Africa when he came out of the jungle and Mandela could have given him some tips hola... Nepal is a country and we are 30 million folks barely surviving.. this is not some political party's playground where their cadres and chamchas get all the candy while we have to fight each other for them cast away wrappers ni.

Prachandoo wants to be a Junga Bahadur... Jungay didn't kill them villagers, school teachers and soldiers kya. He went and got rid of the power players. Prachandoo wants to be a Buddha... Buddha didn't sleep in them lakh-au ko bed (he could afford one.. he was a Prince ni!) and he found salvation through suffering... while you have only made us suffer!

Prachandoo wants to be a Gandhi pani... Gandhi walked all over India. Maybe, Prachandoo should walk from Mechi to Mahakali and see how them people are living... and then he will realize that Mao's tricks never worked in China and it will never work here in Nepal as well.

Emperor Prachandoo is not our savior. He is a clown... he thinks he can fool us by cracking few jokes every now and then and displaying his juggling skills. Comrade, do what you have to do... don't leave us hanging in a coma. You can either turn off the life support or figure out how to bring this country back to life!