Monday, August 8, 2011

Cheap Tourists....

If you have the money and you are lucky enough to get a visa to Paris then you will probably spend like 300 Euros a day hola.

Yes, them Euro-trash places are very expensive. If you somehow win the Diversity lottery for Amrika and then move to New York City then just grab a big arse Pretzel and a cup of coffee hai... ek chin lai tuh pet dumma hooncha ni.. hehe!

Amrika is probably cheaper than the rest of the world hola. No, I am not talking about our Shark (SAARC) countries where people can't afford to eat out every night... well some do, but you have to be a politician, a civil servant or a byapari or uni haroo ko saakha-santaan to do that ni!

Nepal Tourism Year 2011 will end soon and our NTB (Nepal Tourism Board) wallahs tell us that we will reach them 1 milion target rey. Lau hai congrats!

And also thank our netas for screwing it up by not maintaining them airports, bato ghato etiyaadi and our NAC (No Airlines Corporation) has once again failed to get them new planes and are on the bottom of the list when it comes to them international flights ko market share rey.

According to our dailies, average income per tourist has been decreasing every year. From $65 a day in 2009 to 43 and now ... they just spend 22 freaking dollars per day rey.

In 2009, Nepal earned 29 billion Rupees from them tourists and in 2010, it was down to 23 ... abuh yo barsa jhan ali kum hola ni.

There are four kinds of tourists who visit Nepal.

1. 'Climb a Big Mountain' -wallahs who fly to Kathmandu, spend a day visiting them Durbar squares in our three Boroughs (Manhattan, Queens and Brooklyn). Oops... meant, Kathmandu, Lalitpur and Bhaktapur hehe! Ani Kirtipur chahi Bronx hola ... abuh Staten Island chahi khai... Raani Pokhari lai banai-dim naw!

Then they fly to Lukla or Pokhara and go on a week or two trekking thing or climb them mountains. They seem to spend more since them moutain flights, trekking fees etiyaadi cost quite a lot ni.

2. 'Holy Cow' -wallahs visit Nepal to go to Muktinath, Pashupatinath or if you are Buddhist then you visit Lumbini ni. Lumbini ma international airport ko katha pani abuh Mahadev lay Parabati lai side haaney ko katha jastai bhayee sakyo ni!

3. 'Bhukka' tourists visit India, spend all their money visiting them places and when they are down to their last 100 bucks, they take a bus to Sunauli and then a local night bus to Kathmandu.. hehe!

Then they crash at them $3 a night guest houses in Thamel and spend another $3 a day on tyo falafel, vyar vyar momo and plain rice with ketchup!

Who said .... you can't live in Nepal for less than ten dollars a day kya? So if they can do it then our NRNs should not complain that Kathmandu is very expensive.

4. 'Help Nepal' tourists are folks who visit Nepal to volunteer for three-six months and they teach at them schools, or volunteer at local NGOs. Some enjoy it and come back for more while some get hit on by them school principals or some smart-arse NGO-guy who thinks he will get a PR if he can somehow hook up with a kuire-ni .. hehe!

I have met some cool volunteers and some really arseholes who think they are doing us a big favor by designing a brochure or playing with kids all day and then drinking and learning Nepali in the middle of the night with our 'rafting' and 'trekking' bhais... no more paddling ni.. only cuddling kya!

The cool ones learn Nepali (even if it's Namastey Dai and Malai Bhok lagyo.. heeh!) and even though they hate eating dal bhaat every day ... they don't complain kya.

But our volunteer crowds adapt very well in less than two weeks. If you are a Nepali, the taxi driver will rip you off after 9pm. So just follow the 'volunteer crowd' taxi-pooling formula. Get 4 of your friends and get a taxi home .. so even if the taxi driver asks for 500 Rupees... it's only 100 Rupees per head ni.

But the problem is ... the taxi driver might not drive you home when he sees 5 Nepali drunks ... but it's okay with the Kuireys... they will bargain and the taxi driver will take them home for less than 300. God, I want to be an Albino ... (with due respect to all them 'whitey' Nepalis!)

I think we should give it up for them kuires and kuire-nis who travel to remote areas and volunteer there. A Kathmanduite will never walk for a week to go to Dolpa or Rolpa and live there for six months teaching the local kids while eating aloo and choorpi and what not... hehe!

Well, I have met only one bhai from Kathmandu who has done that.... and I am currently supporting his work from my Republica ko 'column' batuh auney paisa ley ... taruh pani, there are good volunteers and there are 'Girls Gone Wild' who think they are on a spring break.. of course without them wet t-shirt contest ki kay bhancha ni.

And there are them 'Kuirey' boys who spend most of their time smoking hashish in Thamel during the night while they advise the Ministry of Co-operatives during the day.. hehe!

I wonder what kind of advice he gives to our sarkaari hakims.. hehe... but all of our civil servants invite him for dinner rey because either they think he can just raise his hand and them Embassy counselors will give their son or daughter them bideshi visa .. hehe!

And one of the hakims is asking our 'dude' to marry his daughter rey. I told him 'go for it!' and live in Nepal has ghar-jamai because his father-in-law has enough (ghoos) money to buy a skyscraper in Toronto.. .hehe!

Ye... ani lastuh ma chahi... there are our 'business-wallahs' ... them folks who visit Nepal and then work out a deal with them fashion houses in their country and then open a factory here and make bags and what not for less than 50 dollars and sell it to their people for 500 kya.

Nothing wrong with that... you might say they are here to make money (well, we all have to make money wherever we go unless your father is a neta or a sarkari hakim ni!) but at least some of our people are getting jobs ni...

Ani bichara haroo... they suffer from high blood pressure and irrtiable bowel syndrome because our 'Nepali' employees are very bad at following them instructions and screw up the job and then say 'Chali halcha ni' .. hehe!

I have no idea what I have been typing for the last ten minutes... but if we really want to make more money from them tourists then all our tourism-wallahs should learn a thing or two from them BKK-KL-Singapura folks kya.

Yes, we Kathmanduites spend like 2000 dollars for a week long ghoom-ghaam in them cities while them bideshis spend like 150 dollars here... and we make fun of them 'bhukka' tourists and what not but at the end of the day ... we need to teach our tourism-wallahs to smile a lot and give them tourists better service and well-maintained and clean restrooms kya.

Yes, the food can be jpt (or dal bhat only!) but fill up your paani tankie and at least maintain your bathroom sathroom kya!

We can get 10 million tourists a year and make billions of dollars hola but that won't happen unless our stupid netas and civil servants support our tourism-wallahs and invest in them infrastructure and what not kya.

And in the next 5 years, we will have no electricity, water or planes or bato ghato nai. Then, we can organize a 'live like a nomad' festival and invite 15 million tourists to walk around the country and eat whatever they find and sleep wherever they want.. kay bhanca tyo... adventure sports jastai tuh ho-ni .. wilderness survival thing ni!

Visa fee chahi ek barsa lai 1,000 dollars rakh-dim and then they don't have to spend a dime ni. Bhutan ma khaas kehi pani chaina... but them tourists have to spend like khoi kati hundred dollars a day.

We have much more to offer... and no, Amrikans don't only come for them mountains... we can import like 14,000 turkeys and invite our Red-necks in their 'Rambo' dresses and shot guns to go turkey-hunting ki kaso.

Nepal ma dada (hill not brother ni feri!) nai dada haroo chan. Euta Duita dada redneck haroo lai lease ma dim nuh.... ek duita duck suck pani raakh-dim ... Dick Cheney will come rey!

1 comment:

  1. Hope your Masterplan will used by those Netas, and work