Saturday, December 27, 2014

Prince of Darkness

While our Christian Nepalis celebrated Christmas and non-Christian Nepalis woke up with nasty hangovers after their night out on Chrismas Eve, Kamal Thapa and his crew began their 'Mechi-Mahakali Chariot' campaign to bring back the monarchy and turn this land of ours back into a Hindu State.

Kamal Thapa should have posted a Christmas greeting video on YouTube instead of wasting millions of Rupees with his 'Chariot' natak. It would have cost him nothing and he would have at least gained a few friends. 

Thapa is a fitness freak. He plays tennis regularly and is a veteran tennis champ and seems to have the energy to climb Everest without using oxygen or wearing any protective gear. 

If he had his way, then he would probably take his chariot up Everest as well. But I guess, he still can't get rid of this 'mandaley' brains. It took him quite far but it's not going to take him to Baluwatar.

I think he should be thankful that we, Nepalis easily forgive and forget as well. This is the same guy who was our Home Minister when Gyanu Uncle was our 'Lord Vishnu'. But things have changed but the only guy who seems to be suffering from amnesia seems to be our very own Kamal Dai. 

Gyanu Uncle is now a common citizen and he is busy visiting Chitwan and other places with his family. Good for him. We may have different opinions about Gyanu Uncle but history will be kind to him for giving up his throne without any struggle. Maybe, Kamal Dai dreams of becoming a Maharaja someday. 

We are a Republic now and a secular nation. If we went back to the 'old' Hindu kingdom then our public holidays will probably be cut down to half. And it will piss off both the common folks and our hardworking civil servants.  After all, our public servants need a day off whenever we celebrate Losars, Christmas and other religious festivals because they are so over-worked.

It's been more than two and half decades since the Pancheys left the building but it looks like we still have mandaleys running around. Well, we should not be surprised because the country is being run by the same so-called democratic folks who were looting the state treasury two decades ago. 

It seems like we are back in the 90s again. Our Kangaroos and United Mundrey Leaders are having all the fun now. 

Yes, we all gave our comrades a chance but our Emperor screwed it up. If our Maoist and Madhesi leaders had risen above petty politics and not enjoyed the state funds like it was a free buffet dinner, then we wouldn't be in this mess. 

If our Emperor and his crew along with his coalition partners had forged consensus with the 'old' corrupt clowns and delivered us a constitution, then maybe they could be enjoying a majority government now. But all loot must come to an end or our crooks gets their chance every other year.

Our Emperor thinks Oli Dai is acting like a Maharaja. Look who's talking? Our opposition wallahs now want to take to the streets as if that will helps us all. If our Emperor and his alliance partners want to win the hearts and the minds of the common folks then fight for citizenship under the mothers' name. 

Gherao all district administration offices across the country and tell the CDOs to grant citizenships under the mothers' name or else face "Bhautik Karwai".

New Year is round the corner. Well, it's once again , the 'Western-Christian' new year that we Nepalis will celebrate more vigorously than we celebrate our Nepali New Year, Vintuna, Losars or other ethnic New Years. 

Kamal Dai and his crew have two options. Either, they go militant and shut down all the gift shops selling Valentine Day cards and Santa Claus hats and ban the use of the Gregorian Calendar or either they go on a reformation movement to counter the rigidity of Hinduism. 

But of course, Kamal Dai doesn't want to be another Buddha. He just wants to ride on the bandwagon of 'Hindu Rastra' in hopes of becoming a Maharaja someday. 

Our right-wing Hindu nationalists should not worry that just because we are a secular nation doesn't mean we will lose our 'Hindu' identity.  We must respect and treat all religions equally.

Yes, we Hindus are the majority in this land and if we really want a 'New Nepal' then we must learn to respect and love our brothers and sisters of other faiths just as we would our own. And for our right-wingers, we still have more public holidays for Hindu festivals and it will probably be that way unless Facebook becomes the new religion.

Kamal Dai could be our new President if he vows to eradicate the caste system in this country. Yes, let us all learn to be good. Kamal Dai, be a good Hindu instead of trying to be another Hitler.  

Kamal Dai, fight against those fools who abuse and torture women who are accused of witchcraft. Fight against those rapists who think it is okay to rape women and children. Wage a war against injustice in our land instead of promoting communalism.

Kamal Dai, be a reformer not a right-wing wacko. Or just leave politics and open a tennis academy and one day, we could have our own Djokovic, Nadal and Federer. Well, Ganesh Dai failed to give us any Messi or Zidane while he pocketed Karods of Rupees. But maybe you could do a little better. 

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Under Pressure

We, the common citizens want a new constitution by January 22nd, 2015. What do our clowns want? Some want to be ministers and make some dough while some just are hoping that the constitution-writing process will drag on for a few years, so that they can enjoy the free lunch and perks. 

And there might be a few CA members who are praying for a major earthquake to hit us so that they won't have to answer to their constituencies on why they are slacking off. 

Our freeloaders seem to be least worried about meeting the deadline. Now, they tell us that they will at least get the first draft of the constitution ready in a month. So, what were these lazy bums doing for all these months? They meet at resorts, at each others' residences and God knows where but at the end of the day, they still stick to their own numbers. 

Some want 10 provinces, some want 7. Our Emperor wants a powerful President while the Kangaroos and the Unidentified Mundrey Leaders are happy with having a Prime Monster. And what do we want? I think we will be happy with anything. 

We really don't care if we have 124 provinces or four Presidents and six Prime Ministers at the same time. Our government has never been for the people. We all have had to fend for ourselves without any help from the incompetent government.  Our dreams and hopes are being hijacked by a less than a dozen crooks and we still seem to be okay with it.

We did not elect these buffoons so that they could keep on procrastinating and extending the deadline again and again. We have already wasted billions of Rupees to feed these greedy lowlifes. 

If our clowns can't deliver us a constitution by the end of next month, then we should all take to the streets and gherao all their residences and ask for a refund. Yes, why should they get paid to do nothing?

If they can't deliver us a constitution by next month then they have no right to take salaries and perks from then on. Well, we won't mind if our clowns take another decade to finish the constitution if they promise to work for free, without taking a single Rupee from the state treasury. 

But of course, our clowns are not volunteers and they are not in it to build a better Nepal. These crooks are in it only for the money. They only know how to loot. Even pickpockets in Ratnapark have better morals than our clowns.

We need to remind our clowns that our country does not owe them anything. The state treasury is not their personal piggy bank and they should be ashamed of themselves for looting the state treasury to fatten their bellies. 

But it's the other way round. Before our clowns get elected, they all seem malnourished and they own only a pair of slippers, two pants and  three shirts at the most. After a few years in power, they look well-fed, well-dressed and they seem to have enough dough to last another three generations.

The Americans are doing fine with four sheets of paper written more than two centuries ago. The only bad thing is that everybody gets to bear arms and there is always shooting somewhere in Amrika. The British don't even have a written constitution and they are okay with it. The Queen will probably live to be hundred and Prince Charles will leave everything and be a monk.

New Zealand and Israel don’t have codified written constitution either and they are doing better than some of the repressive regimes with so-called constitution. We could learn a thing or two from them. Yes, our remote mountain areas could be a good place to shoot many 'Middle Earth' movies and we could ask the Israelis to help us grow tomatoes in all our pot holes in the city.  

Instead of being under pressure to deliver us a constitution, our clowns are busy pressuring the CIAA not to take action against folks who were caught leaking question papers for the MBBS exams. 

The question papers were sold for a million Rupees. I guess our top leaders also received some commission because it seems that Oli Dai and Sheru Dai are asking the CIAA wallahs to release those arrested in the scam.

We would have had a constitution by now if we had come up with a national lottery system where anybody above the age of 25 could apply to be picked as a lucky 'CA' member. 

Maybe, we should try the 'lottery thing' after the CA-II fails. Maybe, 601 common citizens will work together to find common ground to resolve all the disputed issues and finish the constitution-writing process on time. 

After we are done with the constitution, then maybe, we should just ban all political parties, our most corrupt institution and have a people's parliament where lucky draw winners get to be MPs for a year. 

Our government won't have to hold elections every year or two and waste billions of Rupees and we won't have hundreds of useless political parties extorting everyone they see.

Our clowns will probably give themselves another three month extension and that too just to come up with a first draft of the constitution. Well, let us all get back to our lives, and call the local cooking gas dealer to give us a cylinder for now.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Age Limit

Our incompetent government has decided to introduce new age limit for those who want to get their driving license for public transport vehicles. Earlier, the minimum age to drive our public vehicles was 21 but now, you have to 25 years old and on top of that, you have to pass your class ten exams.

Every year, more than half of our SLC candidates fail their exams. Hundreds of thousands of young folks who want to drive our public vehicles will now have to wait until they are 25 and must have passed their SLC by then. 

And if one is a SLC Pass then one would rather pursue further education or maybe take other vocational classes so that he or she can go abroad to make a few more Dinars and Ringgits instead of driving our public vehicles. 

Maybe our government is planning to introduce driverless public vehicles with the help of Google soon because if the 'class ten pass' thing is implemented then we won't have anybody driving our public vehicles.

Our government thinks that raising the age limit and having a minimum education requirement will prevent road accidents across the country. Our sarkari hakim sahebs should focus on providing us better roads and directing our traffic personnel to strictly monitor speeding, weight limit on goods carried and not allow public buses to overload with passengers. 

But of course, our government agencies don't want to take the blame. Yes, blame the rowdy drivers and their khalasis. Blame the common folks for not listening to the traffic cops and sitting on roof tops of public vehicles without worrying about their safety. 

Just because one is 25 and a SLC pass does not mean that he or she will drive safely and follow all traffic rules. If one is able to read and write then one is considered literate. If our new drivers are able to read the signs and follow the speed limit then that should be enough. Why is our incompetent government introducing new rules that don't make sense? 

You don't need to take biology, physics and chemistry classes to drive a public vehicle. It should be mandatory for our public vehicle drivers and his or her crew to carry first-aid kit and know CPR. 

It would be better if our drivers and their khalasis took some classes from health workers on how to make a sling, attended to minor medical emergencies and even deliver babies if needed. 

Yes, passing your ten class English exams is great but it is okay if our drivers don't know who Shakespeare is or can't recite any poems by Alfred Tennyson. If our driver can belt out few Narayan Gopal hits or the latest Dohori numbers then that should be good enough.

Our sarkari hakims tell us that 70% of the road accidents in the country are due to the negligence of our drivers. Our government has also formed a taskforce to find out the reasons for road accidents and come up with solutions to prevent such accidents in the future. Instead of wasting money on committees to investigate this and that, just build better roads and maintain them.

Maybe, our government should introduce new rules for contractors building our roads. Our Road Department wallahs should also be held accountable along with our slimy contractors for roads that don't last a few months after completion. 

When it comes to road accidents, if we can control speeding by our public bus drivers then road accidents in the country could be minimized. And the number one problem is our mobile phones. 

It seems that nearly all of our public vehicle drivers like to either talk on their phones or fiddle around for songs on their playlist while driving along the narrow roads. 

Folks who want to apply for public transport driving licenses must also have two years of experience driving lighter vehicles. That means, you can still apply to drive big buses even if you have two years experience driving around town in a Nano. 

Our government should start a driving institute for those interested to drive public vehicles and the classes must run for at least a year. Hundreds of thousands of young folks can take the classes, get certified by qualified instructors and they could make some decent money driving heavy-load vehicles in the Middle East. 

Before heading abroad, we can make it mandatory for them to drive our public vehicles in the country for at least two years. Then, we won't have to worry about not having enough folks to drive our public vehicles.

The maximum age limit for new license applicant is set at 59.  Whoever came up with the age limit should be awarded with a President Medal. I think our cabinet should further endorse the age limit for politicians as well. 

Yes, we are okay with a 25-year-old becoming an MP and the maximum age limit should be 59. So by the time, one is 63, he or she will step down and be a mentor for other politicians or engage in social service instead of hogging the limelight and staying in power until one drops dead.

We should also have a two year experience for our future MPs. They should at least work two years in a rural area before they can qualify to stand for election. 

And yes, let's raise the bar when it comes to education. Instead of just a SLC pass, we should have MPs who at least have a Bachelor's Degree and can speak, read and write simple English so that they don't get lost when in transit in international airports.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

C for Corruption

According to the Transparency International (TI), we are now ranked 126th out of 175 countries in the Corruption Perceptions Index (CPI).  Let us congratulate our clowns, civil servants and contractors for helping us slip down 10 positions from the previous year. If we follow the current trend then don't be surprised if we are at the bottom of the list by 2020. 

Our politicians have been ripping off the public but we simply don't have any courage to stand up and fight back. We are slowly turning into a police state where freedom is speech is a crime. 

Police brutality has been increasing over the years and our police wallahs do not discriminate when it comes to thrashing protesters, be it the monks, women or even children and senior citizens. 

It's about time our police wallahs learn other techniques to control the crowd peacefully and without violence. Maybe, we should have meditation classes for our cops. Let us move away from laathi-charging and kicking common citizens. IGP saheb could do us a favor if he introduced a new guideline on how his police personnel should speak with the public. I don’t think we are all born foul-mouthed.

Our political parties are the most corrupt institutions we our land.  Our so-called leaders only think about their cousins and cadres instead of the country and common folks. If it weren't for our clowns trying to make money from every government contracts or postings and transfers, then we would have a more efficient bureaucracy. 

Our sarkari peons make more than mid-level managers in the private sector. And they make double their salary from chiya kharcha from service seekers. Our hakims sahebs make less than 50 grand a month but they have property worth millions.  Our Army Generals and senior police officers live like kings. No wonder their wives are called 'Maharanis'. 

Our clowns sacrifice everything to fight the system and once they get the kurchi, they forget everything and engage in corruption. Those politicians who are good at extorting the dough from civil servants, contractors and con artists get the ministerial position.  

Yes, Sushil Da is an honest man and he has only three mobile phones to his name but the rest of the crew are having fun with the kickbacks.

Our netas and hakim sahebs are not ashamed. It is us, the common citizens who are embarrassed by such reports.  e already have one of the world's worst international airports and our government agencies are least bothered about it. I think TIA should only allow patients suffering from chronic sinusitis to enter its restrooms.

Our super hero Lokman has been busy going after the small fishes but he has yet to catch the big sharks.  It seems that the CIAA is only able to go after low-level employees while the big hakim sahebs and our mantris get away with the loot. 

If Lokman wants to have a comic book like Batman and Superman, after he is done with his CIAA stint, then he should arrest all personal aides of our former mantris and top leaders. These personal aides must have their black books somewhere. If we can get hold of them diaries then we will probably know how much bribes have been received from civil servants seeking promotions and lucrative transfers. 

Our slimy contractors and fake VAT Bill byaparis must be forced to stand for a public trial and let us not let them walk away until they tell the whole world how much they had to cough off to get the big government contracts or to evade billions of Rupees in taxes.

Corruption is everywhere. In most of the countries except our SAARC region, corrupt folks are shamed, held accountable and serve lengthy jail terms and have their asset confiscated. In this land of ours, those convicted of corruption spend a few years in jail and pay fines amounting to not even ten percent of what they looted. 

It's hard to believe that our former ministers who have been convicted of corruption only made a few Karods illegally. And when they come out from prison, they are welcomed by their cadres as if they came back victorious from some battle.

Our incompetent government should open a new ministry so that we can all pay our bribes in one location. Yes, let's have a Ministry of Corruption where service seekers pay bribes and get a slip. They can show the payment slip at the concerned government agency and the hakim saheb and his crew can get their share of chiya kharcha transferred to their bank accounts at the end of the month.  

We all know that our current crop of leaders, civil servants and even good for nothing civic leaders will not do anything to control corruption. Most of them are from the same lot and they only care about themselves and not the public.

What about us? What should we do? Maybe, we should just boycott these corrupt individuals. Our media should stop taking their pictures and covering their hawa-tari speeches and other nataks. We are all tired of hearing about constitution for the past six years. Our clowns are only happy to engage in corruption.

I think our media should just report on corruption and blank out all political nataks until our clowns give us a new constitution. Who cares if our comrades are now split into a dozen parties? Who cares if our Emperor is having a cold or if Oli Dai's boli is as good as a goli. 

Let us not make our corrupt clowns heroes. They are not our saviors, they are blood sucking parasites. We have to yet develop a vaccine to get rid of these parasites. Maybe, we can ask NaMo.  He seems to have answers for everything.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Back to reality

Well, the 18th SAARC Summit is over and it's back to the daily grind for all of us except for our clowns.  We will once again have to get used to the daily traffic jam whereas our clowns will get back to business of doing nothing but agreeing to disagree on everything. 

NaMo tells our clowns to give us a constitution based on consensus. Why can’t our buffoons get their act together without bidhesis telling them what to do? Maybe NaMo should also offer free scholarships and medical care for our clowns and their kids if they can deliver us a constitution by January 22nd,2015. 

After all, our freeloaders do not agree on anything unless they get more perks and benefits. Our foreign donors should also offer our freeloaders free trip overseas. Maybe, all of our Constipated Assembly (CA) members can go to Disneyland in Amrika once they give us a constitution.

We have spent billions of Rupees to host the two day event. Was it worth it? Well, most of our major roads are now clean and shiny but it will probably take our Road Department wallahs another decade or two finish their work on our inner roads. Let us hope that the new flowers and plants will survive for at least a month.

The even-odd license plate driving natak certainly made our lives miserable during the Summit but it could really help us ease our traffic jams if we made it permanent. I think it will also make us more productive as we will be scrambling to get things done today than putting it off for tomorrow. It will also help us save some fuel and breathe in less fumes as well. 

What's up with NaMo and NaSh? These two politicians were acting like lovers who recently broke up their relationship. They refused to acknowledge each other and were sulking during the Summit. But they did manage to look cool by finally shaking hands at the end of the day. 

Maybe, if these two bhai bhais were offered milkshakes at arrival then we wouldn't have to wait for two days to see the handshake. India and Pakistan will never get along and us, the chimekis will have to get used to it. I think they should sort out the 'Kashmir' issue over a game of cricket once and for all.

It would have been nice if NaMo had visited Janakpur, Lumbini and Muktinath but as usual, our incompetent buffoons managed to screw it up. NaMo can help us bring hundreds of millions of  Desi tourists for religious pilgrimage. But our government wallahs are not interested to renovate, upgrade and add more services at such religious places. 

Whatever happened to our Emperor's promise of bringing US$3 billion investment to Lumbini. I guess, we will have to wait for another election before hearing about another billion dollar investment in Lumbini.

I think we should invite NaMo once a month to visit at least one of our districts. Our government will probably do everything they can to build better roads and plant more flowers and what not. 

Nepal Tourism Board (NTB) won't have to spend millions of Rupees on promoting Nepal overseas.  The NTB folks can do us all a favor by visiting Delhi and shooting a minute long promotion by NaMo. 

Just ask him to request all Hindu Desis to visit Pashupatinath, Muktinath and Janakpur once in their lifetime. He can ask Buddhist Desis to visit Lumbini as well.  Upload the video in YouTube and when the Desis arrive in millions, we can all laugh all the way to the bank.

We are blessed with the highest mountains and beautiful natural sceneries. We have to thank God or plate-tectonics depending on our religious or scientific affiliation. But thanks to our incompetent government and transport mafia, we are losing out on making billions of dollars from tourism.

Once again, NaMo suffered from some kind of phobia whenever he is inside his bullet-proof vehicle. He had to get out and get some fresh Kathmandu air and mingle with the common folks. NaMo is the most powerful man in the SAARC region. He is not scared of the people but our own clowns are even scared to get out of their vehicle even when they are surrounded by our Rambos.

Let us all congratulate Sushil Da and his crew for making the SAARC Summit a success. We don't know if we will get anything out of it but it would be nice if all SAARC leaders had left with a plane full of promotional brochures to remind their people to visit our beautiful country.  

And our municipality wallahs should make sure that they continue their campaign to fine thousands of Rupees for litterers. Our Traffic Police should confiscate vehicles of reckless drivers for at least a month and Sushil Da should order government agencies to finish their road work, khaneypani pipe installation and other public works by next month.

What about the constitution? Let us all keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best. 

Saturday, November 22, 2014

From Dawn till Dusk

Our incompetent government has decided to help us all by opening some of our government offices for 12 hours a day. From December 16 onwards, our government offices providing so-called urgent services will remain open from 6:00am till 6:00 pm and even during public holidays.

If you are an early riser then you can pay your utility bills, renew your driving license and get a new passport while on your morning walk. Or you can do so while you go for vegetable shopping in the evening. 

Our civil servants are the most hardcore supporters of the 'Nepali Time'. They always show up one hour late and leave home an hour early. Now, we will have lazy bums working in two shifts, making us go round and round and waste half a day or even a few days to get the services we need. 

It would be better if our incompetent government made it mandatory for all civil servants to remain in their desks during working hours. We wouldn't be really needing two shifts if our 'Chiya Kharcha' wallahs showed up at work on time and didn't spend hours watching YouTube videos or playing 'Solitaire'.

Our civil servants get their tea served at their desks. Why do they need a 'Khaja' break that lasts half a day?  They can eat their chana-chiura or momos at their desks while they sign our papers. We won't mind. 

We all need bathroom breaks but it must not last longer than 10 minutes. Our civil servants disappear in the restroom for hours while the service seeker cannot last more than 10 seconds inside those stinky restrooms in our government offices. 

But most of us don't even know where the restrooms are and don't even think of using it because we are so caught up with trying to find out where the person who needs to sign our papers has disappeared.

I think our clowns who are enjoying all the freebies as our CA members should tighten up their belts or petty-coats and get serious about giving us a constitution by January 22nd, 2015.  

Our so-called leaders are busy either visiting remote districts or are out of the country, trying to kiss some bideshi arse. We hear that our Emperor was having fun with all the Kodo ko raksi and khaski ko masu while other loafers were in India trying to get some free laddoos from the Desis.

I think our cops should stop harassing the common citizens by frisking them at major checkpoints around the valley. It would be better if our government made it mandatory for all CA members to remain the valley until they can give us a new constitution. Our CA Chairman Subash Nembang has been repeatedly requesting our loafers to end the political deadlock and focus on giving us a new constitution. 

Nembang always reminds our freeloaders to not to disappear to foreign lands but none of our clowns seem to care. I think it's about time Nembang stop acting 'soft' and learn how to curse, swing chairs and even throw stuff at our CA members to show his displeasure at their nautanki nataks. Who cares about House rules and etiquette?  

Most of our CA members act like juvenile delinquents and seem to have no manners, morals or even an ounce of self-respect. Have you no shame? How can you continue to get paid to do nothing?

We, the common folks have got it all wrong. We go after our local plumber or electrician for messing up the work at our homes but we just watch and sit idle while our clowns are messing up this land of ours.

Our government should instruct the security personnel to prevent our freeloaders from leaving the valley or even the country. But our government and our civil servants only know how to harass the public. I think it's time we all got together and dug ourselves a tunnel so that we can at least reach the other end of the valley without worrying about our security personnel treating us like terrorists. 

It's a shame that our government can deploy thousands of security personnel to protect a dozen or more Very Irritating Persons (VIPs) but can't do the same to protect the common citizens in the valley.

Instead of deploying 26,000 security personnel, why not just declare a state-sponsored 'Kathmandu' Banda so that we can all stay home and enjoy a two-day holiday? That could at least save us millions of Rupees so that our security personnel won't have to work double shifts protecting the SAARC leaders from the Nepali people. 

We are not hosting the Olympics or the FIFA World Cup or some UN Summit where leaders from all over the world are coming to Kathmandu to eat our vyar vyar momos. It's just the SAARC Summit where nothing really happens. It's not like Putin and Obama will be in town to try our local rice beer or vodka. 

Maybe Sushil Da can ask NaMo and NaSh to stop their intelligence agencies from meddling into other chimeki's business. I think it would be better if these two Na Na got together and invaded Britain. 

After all, Let us all the blame the British for the mess in our region. The colonies get free passes while comrades in arms get short-shifted! If the British were really our friends, then they would have at least given us a beach or two!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Return of NaMo

First of all, let us thank our incompetent government for giving us a two-day public holiday during the SAARC Summit. Our schools and colleges will be shut down for four days so that our students can stay home and enjoy the break. Our hardworking civil servants can also take their break from seeking bribes from service seekers. 

I think hosting the Summit is a waste of our taxpayers money. Instead of renovating here and there, why not organize a bare-bones Summit? Yes, let us all have our SAARC leaders sit cross-legged on a sukul mat. We can serve them a Newari bhoj while they take turns delivering their hawa-tari speeches. NaMo will get a vegetarian menu!

And instead of wasting billions of Rupees on temporary makeover of the city, our government should have organized the whole natak in Lumbini. A mountain flight for our SAARC leaders and a quick lunch at Lukla could save us a whole lot of money instead of wasting millions on helicopter rides for a one-day retreat in Dhulikhel. 

While our PM and his chamchas will enjoy the holiday, rest of us will have to walk to work and burn some calories or stay at home and add more.

Instead of impressing the heads of states of the SAARC nations by making our lives miserable, our buffoons should impress us by at least coming out with the first draft of the constitution before the SAARC Summit. But that's not possible because our freeloaders can't seem to agree on anything.  

Our Emperor must have really missed Rolpa and the bunkers there. If he really wants to win our hearts and minds then he should move out from his Lazimpat residence and live in a one room apartment. And instead of riding around in a luxury vehicle, why not use public transport like the rest of us.

Dr. Saheb is busy trying to keep up with his Twitter celebrity status. He wants us to let him govern us for five years and if he can't turn us into Singaporeans then we are free to shoot him. But the common citizens can only afford to buy gums and not guns. 

And we do believe in peace unlike our clowns who just want a piece of the loot. Baidya Ba is busy preparing plans to invade India next year. And Netra Dai wants to launch another arm struggle by next week.

NaMo visited us in August and gave his Oscar-winning speech. This time around, he wants to visit Janakpur and  Lumbini and address the public as well. NaMo also wants to distribute 3,000 bicycles to school children in Janakpur. 

Our incompetent government cannot afford to provide bicycles to our kids because they don't have any funds. But all our clowns get to ride around in luxury vehicles and get free fuel, maintenance kharcha and armed guards to protect them from malnourished citizens.

NaMo has visited Japan and the United States in September and he will get done hanging out in Myanmar, Australia and Fiji before the SAARC Summit. Wherever NaMo goes, he wants billion dollar investment for his country. What about our leaders? They only go to Japan and the United States for free medical treatment at the expense of our taxpayers. 

Our netas should learn a thing or two from NaMo. First, hire an advertising agency to write your speech. I am sure our Nepali copywriters can come up with creative one-liners and heart-warming slogans. 

Second,  try to wear the same kind of outfit. Our Maoists did try their best with 'grey' coats. If our comrades had at least one person with an advertising background then they would have claimed that Mark Zuckerberg was a Maoist. After all, the Facebook founder wears a grey t-shirt everyday.  

Third, instead of begging for free ambulances, bicycles and other grants to build bridges where there are no rivers, why not encourage bideshis and NRNs and our migrant workers to invest in Nepal? 

Yes, give them tax breaks and incentives. It would also be nice if our government also thought about our small business owners in the country instead of only making life easier for our fake-VAT bill byaparis.

The Chinese have pledged to invest US$20 billion in India within the next five years. The Japanese have pledged US$35 billion. I think we should just ask the Chinese and the Indians to invest in all joint-venture projects in the country. If that happens, then our politicians can't accuse each other of being foreign stooges. 

And we also can't leave out our clowns who lobby for the West. Yes, let's invite the Americans and the Europeans as well. I think our dreams of having a 40,000 MW electricity in 20 years is possible if we can ask all the major foreign donors to come together to help us end loadshedding and make some money from our rivers. 

If  our clowns really thought like NaMo then they would be asking bideshis to invest in their districts. Switzerland can help Solukhumbu. Japan can help Janakpur. We just need to match the districts with the foreign countries. 

What about Kathmandu?  I think Kazakhstan will do. If we build a statue of the Kazakh President then who knows, we might get some free oil and maybe a box of uranium as well. If Former British PM, Tony Blair can make millions giving PR advice to the Kazakh dictator then who are we to talk about human rights and democracy? 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Father Knows Best

Chintan Poudel has been appointed the executive vice-chairman of Poor Family Identity Card Management Board.  He is reported to have an MBA from India and was working for some cable company in the capital.   

I guess he got tired of working 9 to 5 and wanted to join the public sector where he will get facilities and perks equal to a government secretary. After all, if you are working for a private company, then you cannot slack off.  You have to show up at work on time and only leave when the day is over unless you own the company.

But if you are a civil servant or get appointed to one of our public bodies then you can throw away your watch. Time will wait for you. You can even collect your paycheck even if you don't show up for work like some of our public school teachers. 

Chintan will probably get paid for showing up for a few meetings in a month. He will just have to show up for a free chiya and biskoot session once in a while to enjoy all the perks.

If Chintan was just like you and me then he would probably not be eligible for his new post but when you are the son of a politician, then everything is possible in this land of ours.

Not much has changed since the days of our Shree Tins. At least, we don't have Nati Generals nowadays although one of our natis is our Chief Saab. Our politicians are our new 'Shree Tins' and their children and cousins will continue to enjoy all the perks while the sons and daughters of  hardworking, law-abiding citizens have to go abroad to make a decent living.

Chintan is the son of Ram Chandra Poudel (RCP), our Congressi leader who failed to become our Prime Monster even when he tried shamelessly for more than a dozen times. But RCP is not losing hope. 

His dream of living in Baluwatar may have faded away but he still wants the best for his near and dear ones. Let us all congratulate Poudel junior for getting the job and let's hope that the kids of our politicians will continue to get plum jobs from the state.

RCP wants the best for all his relatives as well. He has also lobbied hard to get his brother-in-law and other relatives plum government jobs as well. After all, that's what our politicians do.  

If we had honest politicians in the country, then we would have a constitution by now. But our clowns are only worried about how to get jobs for their cadres and cousins. Common citizens are on the bottom of the list when it comes to getting the funds or jobs.

You don’t even have to complete high school if you want to head our public bodies. Well, Chintan has an MBA. That's good but maybe he could be working for a government agency that helps our folks to develop their skills and get jobs instead of only providing ID cards to poor families in the country. 

The only folks who will make money from this natak is the printer and the contractor who gets to deliver the cards to the district offices across the country.

We are all poor except our contractors, civil servants, cadres and our clowns. I think it would be better if we were all provided with at least one apple, two packets of milk, three potatoes, four pieces of masu, and a cup of rice daily in the name of our competent government. Then, we can all thank our government for at least helping us with our food needs.

We have wives, brothers and cousins of our netas as CA members. Ganesh Thapa was even acting like a club bouncer when Kamal Dai and his buffoons were creating a scene at the House recently.  Subash Nembang should have shown him the red card instead.

Our government agencies are busy preparing for the SAARC Summit. The government is even paying for paint jobs on houses along the major roads. I think Kathmandu will be a greener and cleaner city if we host the SAARC Summit every year but of course, we will be wasting millions of Rupees and only the contractors and our clowns will get to make money off it.

RIP Alok Nembang. We will miss you. Our prayers and condolences are with his family and loved ones. The film director passed away on Thursday evening. Our media tells us that he committed suicide. We all go through dark days. Counseling helps. 

There is nothing wrong with visiting a psychiatrist for counseling sessions. And it would also help our politicians if they went for a group therapy instead of getting together for a group drinking sessions.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Cricket will keep us alive

Our clowns are busy hanging out at resorts and residences of our top freeloaders and are still coming up short but our cricketers have once again done us proud by winning the ICC World Cricket League Division III title.  

I think our clowns should hire our cricket coach Pubudu Dassanayake to teach them how to work as a team, instead of trying to outdo each other by bickering over petty issues. 

The Cricket Association of Nepal has a new CEO and finance manager. Let's all hope that Bhawana Ghimire, the new CEO will lead CAN to new heights. The old stooges at CAN have been giving the CEO a cold shoulder because they only know how to skim the funds instead of spending it to develop the sport in the country.

I think it's about time all our sports associations had competent CEOs instead of corrupt cronies. I think our government should have a 'Cricket' Fund and we all can pitch in to help build stadiums and provide better  facilities to our cricketers. 

The only we can ever play in the FIFA World Cup is if we host it but we don't have billions of dollars to throw away. But in a decade or two, we might be a test-playing nation and could be in the Cricket World Cup.

Our lazy bums are still wasting our time by fighting over how many provinces we need in our 'New Nepal'. It really doesn't matter how many provinces we have in this land of ours. What matters is that our common folks get enough gaas, baas and kapas to lead a decent life. 

I don't think we can afford to have new chief ministers and pay billions of Rupees to change our driving licenses, sign boards and what not. We don't need political parties offering us 40,000 MW of electricity or turning us into Swiss or Singaporeans. 

All we need is one political party that will work for the people. All we want is jobs so that we can pay our bills unlike our lazy bums who only want to loot the state treasury for their children, cousins and cadres.

It’s sad that our government doesn’t care about the people. Our clowns get free medical treatment and they waste millions of Rupees every year for their check-ups abroad. Our flood and landslide victims have yet to receive compensation. 

And those who have received some relief money  are not the victims but our evil party cadres. I think one should just visit the affected areas and hand out cash and relief materials to the victims instead of having a photo-op cheque-handing session with our beloved Prime Minister.

But of course, our CDO sahebs don't us to do that because they want all the funds and relief materials to be distributed by our incompetent government agencies. Our civil servants have not change a bit. They act like they are forced to do their jobs. Somebody must remind them that they are here to serve the public and not the other way round.

Our cricket team represents the 'real' Nepal. Our so-called leaders do not. We are all hardworking, law-abiding citizens. Our incompetent clowns only know how to waste our money, time and have no respect for the laws of the land. 

But we have cricket for now. Once in a while, when our cricketers win, we forget our miseries. I think our Desi brother, NaMo should have provided Rs 10,000 crores to develop cricket in this land of ours instead of providing the loan to our incompetent buffoons who will only use it to fatten their own bellies.

The 18th SAARC Summit will be here in few weeks and let's expect traffic jams, blocked roads and tight security for our Shark lleaders. Yes, our leaders in the region are like sharks. We are the small fishes. 

We are still the poorest region in the world not because we lack natural resources. We are poor because all the opportunities and resources have been used by our politicians and their cronies while the common folks are left with no choice but to seek employment opportunities overseas.

Our government agencies are busy preparing for the Shark Summit. Yes, plant them trees that will wither and die in a few months. Fill up them pot holes and put some solar lights on our streets. Make way for the bideshis! 

The government should also warn us to stay away from the venue and maybe declare a three-day holiday so that the Shark leaders can drive around the city without any obstruction. 

What about our stray dogs and cattle? It would be nice if KMC spent some dough and bought garlands for our stray dogs. And what about our stray cattle? I think they can work part-time for the traffic police as roadblocks.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Clowns under quarantine

Our UN peacekeepers from Nepal Army and Armed Police Force who have returned from Liberia have been put under quarantine just to make sure that they are Ebola-free.  They will be regularly monitored for the next 21 days to make sure that they are okay. 

Our security personnel seem to be doing a great job during the UN peacekeeping missions around the world.  Let’s hope that all of our peacekeepers will get to go home without any health issues and be with their families after the quarantine ends. 

Every year, hundreds of thousands of our young folks go overseas as unskilled labor. They are exploited and are provided with inhuman living conditions. I think our incompetent government should work out a deal with the UN-wallahs and train our young folks to serve as peacekeepers in conflict zones around the world.  

It would be better if our young folks are engaged in preventing conflicts around the world than being treated like slaves in the Gulf region.  

I think it's about time, we placed our visionary leaders under quarantine for the next 21 days as well.  Maybe, our buffoons will be so sick of squabbling with each other over the next three weeks that they might have no choice but to agree on the disputed issues of the constitution writing process.

Our freeloaders have already spent millions in the past eight years, hanging out at resorts around the valley.  If they really want to get away from the pollution and chaos in the capital then our top buffoons should be placed under quarantine in Khaptad National Park. 

Yes, let's pitch tents four our clowns and they can enjoy a simple meal of dal, bhat instead of sleeping in comfy beds and enjoying dinner and expensive bideshi drinks at the taxpayers expense.

There must be some magic potion we can give to our buffoons to overcome procrastination. If we can't find any magicians then maybe we should just eat the carrot and carry a big stick. Our Kangaroos and the United Mundrey leaders are more than happy to go for a voting process if none of the clowns can agree to resolve the issues. 

Our political parties should have finished preparing the first draft of the constitution by now but so far, they have nothing to show for except the usual bickering over how many provinces we need and if we want a Prime Monster or a President to carry the stick.

Our top clowns have promised us all that they will deliver a new constitution by January 22nd, 2015. But our Emperor and his comrades have made it clear that they will not support the voting process to resolve the disputed issues. 

Maybe, we should just ask the All Nepal Football Association (ANFA)to organize a football tournament between our political parties. We can call it the 'Nepal Cup'. We can have a league round first and then the knock-out stages to decide who gets to have their say in our new constitution.

ANFA President and our CA member, Ganesh Thapa and his three musketeers, Vice President Lalit Krishna Shrestha, General Secretary Dhirendra Pradhan and Treasurer Birat Jung Shahi have been charged with engaging in financial irregularities worth Rs 581.7 million. They have been asked to take a leave for two months until the investigation is over but our four amigos are here to stay. 

After all, they have been running the show for over two decades not by doing the right thing but by doling out funds to their cronies and even political parties. After all, if you share the loot, you get to keep your boot and if you don't then you get the boot. It not only applies to our sports associations in the country but to our political parties and government agencies as well.

If you are a party member who can bring in the funds for your political party then you get the ticket to stand up election. And if you win then you will get to become a minister. But in this country, you don't have to win elections to become a minister. You can be a mundrey and still become a minister. Then, you can raise more funds for the party. 

It's the same story with our bureaucracy. Our civil servants have to pay our ministers to get lucrative postings and promotions. No wonder, we have more than a dozen AIGs in Nepal Police. 

By 2020,  don't be surprised if you see a high-ranking police official in charge of a local police beat in Rolpa. Our hakim sahebs can stay home and play cards while the low-level employees collect the chiya kharcha from the general public and it goes up the ladder. 

Everything goes up in this country, be it the food prices, transportation fares and even the chiya kharcha as well. The only thing that goes down in this land of ours is our morale. What can we do to motivate ourselves and our freeloaders?  

We all know that we will not be rejoicing come January 23rd, 2015 because we won't get the new constitution then. We will probably either go for round three of  Constipated Assembly (CA) or we can just go on with our lives without the help of a government or our corrupt political parties. After all, that's what we have been doing for the past two centuries.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Goodwill Ambassadors

Our blue-plated wallahs seem to invite foreign celebrities to Nepal to promote their campaign. Leonardo DiCaprio was here a few years ago to save our tigers. He even donated US$ 3 million so that the WWF could do its part in helping our tigers. 

We are still trying to figure out why Selena Gomez was here and a few days ago we had Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan in our land to make us aware about the importance of child nutrition.

Khan is the newly appointed UNICEF Ambassador for nutrition in South Asia but he seems to have come in a hurry because he had forgotten to shave. Or maybe, that's the new look for his new movie. 

Khan also has his TV show where he deals with social issues in India. And someday, who knows, Khan might first become the chief minister of Matheharastra and then the Prime Minister of India. 

After all, at one point he will get tired of reel life and would want to show some of his skills in the real world.  But of course, politics is much harder than movies. You might have to lie, cheat, steal or dole out the dough to win elections. Khan has the dough but he can’t lie. 

Khan was in town for a few days and like other foreign celebrities, he also met with our Prime Minister.  It was disappointing for most of his fans because they could not get autographs from Khan. 

It would have been great for Aamir fans if our PM Sushil Da had posted a Selfie with the superstar on Instagram. After all, our incompetent netas have time for some chiya-paan with foreign celebrities but do not have time for the common folks.

Sushil Da congratulated Khan for being the new 'nutrition' Ambassador and Khan must probably have congratulated our PM for only having three mobile phones and nothing more. 

Sushil Da also invited Khan to visit our country again and visit Pokhara. Maybe, Khan should make a new movie where he plays a paraglider who meets his dream woman in Pokhara.

We should thank DiCaprio and Khan for taking time off from their busy schedule to visit our land and create awareness about tigers and nutrition. But  it isn't time our government save our tigers and children by providing funds to these programs instead of only helping their cadres, cousins and contractors?

Our Kollywood supertstar Rajesh Dai should quit hosting TV Quiz shows and instead have a reality show of his own where he discusses critical social issues in our land.  And political parties should focus on writing the constitution first instead of fighting with each over how many provinces we need.

And now, we have a 22-party alliance led by our Emperor who have announced protest programs against the ruling parties; stand to resolve disputes of constitution making through votes. 

Maybe, what our opposition wallahs need is bundle of notes from the ruling parties. After all, cash is King and our mini-maharajas who are not in power would be happy to have some hard cold cash.

Our 22-party alliance will now get the much needed exercise as they participate in rallies and what not.  I guess the 'protest' season has started early this time. After all, we all need to lose some extra calories added up during Dashain. 

Our political parties need to first look up the word 'consensus' in the dictionary and then find common ground to resolve the disputes issues. The only time our political parties come to an agreement is when all of them get to enjoy the loot from the state treasury. 

Maybe, we need a 'goodwill ambassador' to 'save Nepal' from going down the drain. Sushil Da is busy trying to fix his mobile phones while KP Oli is busy promoting mundrey gundas. 

Our Emperor and the other Madhesi leaders want to take to the streets because they are pissed off with the ruling parties for not sharing the loot. And the fringe parties just want to have some fun because they really don't make any difference in national politics but do get some chiya kharcha whenever they join an alliance.

Aamir Khan in his recent TV show focused on the importance of sports. And our results at the recently concluded Asian Games was depressing with only one bronze medal to show for after wasting millions of Rupees. 

I think we should just send our athletes to these games instead of officials and save us some money. It's sad to hear about athletes disappearing from the venue but we can't blame them for hiding in foreign lands to make a living. 

After all, it's the heads of our sports organizations who get to embezzle millions of Rupees whereas our athletes don't even get enough dough to buy a decent pair of track suits.

Khan is back home. Our children will continue to face problems of malnutrition. Our athletes will continue to be exploited. Our country will continue to be stuck in a coma because of our con artists. 

Maybe somebody should just come out with a constitution and we go for a referendum. We can never be another Switzerland but we can at least do referendums like the Swiss.