Saturday, July 4, 2015

Hari The Harasser

History tells us about Alexander the Great. One Amrikan cartoonist gave us Hagar the Horrible but here in our land, we now have Hari the Harasser. Hope one day, our cartoonists will come up with a comic strip to honor the great works of our former Agriculture Minister Hari Prasad Parajuli. 

Our then Agriculture Minister Hari the Harasser made us all proud by demonstrating his hugging skills during an event to celebrate 'Dhan Diwas' on Asar 15. Instead of planting paddy, our dishonorable minister was busy grabbing women and rubbing his cheeks on theirs. 

I think someone forget to tell Hari the Harraser that he was supposed to be planting paddy in the field instead of trying to plant kisses on any woman in his sight.

His personal security officer, a man in an army uniform was seen smiling at Horny Hari's nataks. I think it's about time, our incompetent government save us a few Rupees by not having army folks provide security to our so-called top officials in the government. 

One joins the army to protect the nation against foreign invasion. One joins the army so that one may take part in helping the nation and its people during natural disasters. 

One should not join the army just to stand beside a corrupt clown and be a live spectator when he is busy molesting women. It would be better if our incompetent government formed a special protection group for the so-called Very Irritating Persons (VIPs). Either dress them up in Daura-Suruwals or just black tie and suit like the US Secret Service minus the brothel visits.

Use the army for nation-building and peacekeeping missions abroad. We are not going to fight any wars against our chimekis unless Baidya Ba becomes our President. Then, we will have to invade India. Well, that's another story.

Let's get back to Hari the Harasser. The former molesting minister has resigned. That's great but he should also be tried in our courts. This jerk should serve six months in prison so that all of us will be aware that no one has the right to go around grabbing women and rubbing his body against theirs.

Maybe, Hari the Harasser is not be blamed. Somebody must have mixed something with the chiura and curd. After all, nearly everything we eat is adulterated in this land. Our government agencies fail to monitor and take action against black marketers and those involved in selling low-quality food items. 

Our government can take action only against common citizens because we pay taxes. Byaparis are free to extort the consumers so that they can evade taxes. After all, it's them, the fake VAT-bill wallahs who dole out voluntary donations to our political parties and civil servants.  

KP Oli will be our Prime Minister soon. Let us expect not great things from him but his ministers will either be Mundrey Gundas, extortionists or sexual predators. This is the fourth time, a minister from CPN-UML has resigned since SuKo became the Baluwatar Baba. I think it would be better if the United Mundrey Leaders  (UML) change their mantris every three months. 

Let every dishonest UML become a mantri and enjoy the perks. Now, the top UML leaders are fighting with each over who gets to become our new Agriculture Minister. Well, the one who can promise to make the most money from taking the cut from fertilizer and funds meant for our farmers will be the new mantri. 

After all, if you cannot make money for your political party and its top bosses then you are very less likely to get the opportunity to ride in a national flag-bearing luxury vehicle, protected by security personnel against threats from law-abiding hardworking common citizens.

We have already imported rice worth Rs 12.4 billion this year and we will probably import more next year as well. Our government's agricultural policies have failed miserably. Our farmers don't get seeds and fertilizer on time. It's the same story every year. The contractors who supply the seeds and fertilizer make billions of Rupees, so does our Agriculture Minister and civil servants. 

The Desi government provides heavy subsidies on seeds and fertilizer to its farmers. Our government only makes it worse for our farmers by ignoring their needs and asking for chiya kharcha on any grants or goods provided to them.
Will we get an Agriculture Minister who will work to help our farmers to increase production and promote their products here and abroad? No. We will just get another lackey who will do what his or her party bosses say. 

Whoever becomes our new Agriculture Minister should bring back the boras of rotten rice distributed by the great WFP (Worthless Food Program) back to the capital. Then, he or she should cook the rice and invite the bideshi who has threatened to pull out from Nepal if we continue to complain about inedible food stuff provided by WFP, to try the rice. 

We can also send it to the CA canteen where all of our lawmakers can try some. If none of them get sick the next day then we can apologize to Mr. Zing and his crew. 

Mr. Zing, if you want it then please take the rice to Iraq or Syria. The only folks who are having all the fun with this natak are our domestic aviation companies and local contractors for the WFP. I think it would be better if we went back to Dhido and Roti instead of rice. 

Yes, our villages need help but we do not want hashish-smoking bideshis to come here on behalf of UN agencies. The UN officials should stop threatening us with pull outs.  They should be happy that we are not Iraq or Syria. 

We are Nepal. We love the UN. We do everything we can to make way for the UN vehicles to ply on our roads without obstruction. We let them park anywhere they want. We bow down to them.  They are greeted with flowers and warm smiles instead of whatever they get to the places where Mr. Zing has threatened to take the rice.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

A Grand Success

Our Finance Minister, Ramu Uncle calls the 'International Conference on Nepal's Reconstruction -2015' (ICNR) a grand success. Yes, 300 thulo mancheys from 60 nations showed up at Soaltee Hotel, had wonderful dinner and drinks and probably enjoyed the tour of the affected areas in the city and neighboring districts. 

A grand success is when 30 million tourists visit Nepal every year. A grand success is when we have more than 10,000 MW of electricity and we make money selling it to our chimekis instead of begging for another 100 MW from the Desis.

I think our incompetent politicians should be reminded that begging for a few Dollars and getting some is not something to be proud of.  It would have been a grand success if you reached your target or exceeded it. 

It would have been the greatest begging extravaganza ever if we had received US$10 billion and all that in grant. But of course, our bideshi friends do not give us cash just for fun. They have their own self interest to fulfill and at the end of the day, their consultants and companies take home most of the dough anyway.

Minister Ramu tells us that he is very happy because our bideshi friends pledged more than what he had expected. I guess he was expecting only half of the US$6.6 billion needed to rebuild the homes and lives of his near and dear ones. 

But our bideshi friends have pledged to give us US$4.4 billion in grants and loans. Majority of the pledged amount will be soft loan. Ramu won't have to pay back the loan. It will be the successive governments' decades later figuring out how to pay back the cash taken by the current government. 

Ramu believes that our country's financial scenario will strengthen in the future. Let us forget about our country and its common citizens. It's the corrupt clowns, civil servants and contractors who will find ways to strengthen their bank balance. 

Yes, just ask Ramu's former personal aide (PA). The guy knows all the deals and schemes. Well, he wasn't selling the zinc sheets. He was just delivering it to his near and dear ones. This is the only country in the world where a PA is as powerful as the mantri. The PA is the go to person for all 'get rich quick schemes'. The PA is the power broker. 

Our bideshi friends have pledged half of the US$4.4 billion in grant and the rest in loan. We will now have another two billion dollars that needs to be paid back on top of the five billion we already owe to bideshis and domestic lenders. Our netas will be rich while our kids will be poor.

Our incompetent government should have instead asked for investment from our foreign friends. Let the bideshis all get together and invest in hydropower, tourism, agriculture and infrastructure. 

If we had all the resources and skills then we would not  have to beg from the bideshis. But we have nothing. The government allows builders to build high-rise apartments but yet it doesn't have any equipment, to demolish such structures. We don't even have an equipment to tow a stranded aircraft on our only international airport and we expect our corrupt politicians to move this country forward.

We don't have anything and it's better to allow them to invest without having to worry about trade unions burning tyres and manhandling management. Give them tax breaks. 

Let the bideshis generate 40,000 MW of electricity. Let them make some money for themselves while we get free electricity and millions of our youth can be employed for at least a decade in their own land instead of being exploited overseas. 

The Swiss and the French could help us build ski resorts up in the mountains. The Israelis could help us with farming techniques. Our potholes could be used to grow vegetables. The Chinese could help us with our infrastructure. After all, they can build a fifty-storey tower in less than a month. 

The Desis could help us by allowing our goods to be exported to third countries without the usual hassles. But of course, our incompetent government doesn't have any plans to bring foreign investment, generate jobs for millions and increase our standard of living. Our politicians just want Dollars for themselves and their children. 

Most of our top leaders have kids abroad and they have bought apartments worth Karods there. And it's funny that they are proud of their kids who have become doctors, lawyers, investment bankers in the West but cannot think of how to empower and enrich the lives of the millions of kids back home. Our netas just come up with a 'rich father-in-law' excuse every time they are questioned about their ill-gotten wealth.

As usual, India tops the list with US$1 billion in pledges but most of it will be loans. The Chinese do not beat up the drums too much like our Desi friends but they have pledged to provide US$760 million and most of it in grant. It has also offered training opportunities for 1,500 Nepalis. But the Amrikans and British only want to give us around 10% of what India has offered. 

Why? Well, we don’t have oil. We don’t have nukes. If we had offered the Amrikans an opportunity to have an air base in our land then they would probably give us billions of dollars every year.

The British should be ashamed of themselves. They are celebrating 200 years of service to the Crown by the brave Gurkhas but I guess when it comes to providing aid to the land of the Gurkhas, the British are the stingiest of them all. 

We sent 5,000 blankets to Japan when earthquake struck there a few years back. We are getting US$ 260 million. More than half a million Nepalis fought two World Wars. More than 50,000 sacrificed their lives for the British Empire. You do the math.