Saturday, July 26, 2014

Welcome Back SuKo!



Our simpleton Prime Minister Sushil Koirala (SuKo) is back home after receiving treatment in the US for first-stage lung cancer.  

Let's hope that SuKo is now fit and fine and will work towards bringing all other buffoons together to finish the constitution writing process in the next three months. Then, he has to head back to New York for his follow-up visit.

Our netas seem to forget that we are giving them a second chance to get things done. If they can't give us a constitution by November, then they should all stop occupying the International Convention Center in Baneshwor and give it back to the public. 

At least, we can host beauty pageants, educational fairs and other exhibitions there. 

Our political cadres think it's funny when they blacken the face of their opponents and put shoe-garlands on them. Maybe, it's time for us, the common folks to do the same. So get your old stinky shoes ready. Don't throw them away because it might come handy this November.  

We are the ones who voted for these clowns and we should have the courage to boot them out as well. If these clowns don't give us a constitution this year then we should confiscate their passports as well. 

Well, the only place they can visit without a passport is India and it's best if our netas stayed there forever instead of thinking of ways to take this country down the drain.

Most of our neats have learned their dirty tricks from across the border. Before we used make fun of Bihar but now the Biharis must be laughing at us. Our politics is turning more like the ones you see in Bollywood movies where politicians and mundrey gundas have all the fun while the common folks are starving.  

Even the Desi politicians have changed.  Well, they are still corrupt but they seem to want foreign investment in their states.

Our netas are also corrupt but they do not want any foreign investment in this land of ours. Our clowns visit India and China like we visit the local vyar vyar momo pasal but they must be blind. 

If both the Desis and the Dumpling gang are happy with foreign investment then why are our politicians and civil servants hell-bent on taking this country back to the stone ages? 

We do not have the resources be it capital or human to develop this land of ours. Let's ask for help from our chimekis and other bideshis for now and maybe after 2050, we can help them out if we turn into the 'Switzerland' of Asia like our netas have been promising us for ages.

I hope SuKo visited landmarks in New York City during his off-time.  Our netas visit foreign lands but end up spending most of their time in hotel rooms meeting foreign handlers and sharing state secrets with them.  

Instead of trying to convince the foreign hands for more funds for their respective political parties, they should venture out and be a tourist and maybe get a few ideas about how things are run in foreign lands.

New York City is also known as the 'Big Apple'.  SuKo must now think of a nickname for our capital as well.  Maybe, we should go with 'Big Temple' or 'Big Momo' or 'Big Bang'. 

We have many temples and Pashupatinath is a big thing for all of us, mostly Hindus and also for the Ambanis, Bacchans and other Indian Hindus as well. 

If we can create a park around Pashupatinath and name it 'Reliance Park' then Mukesh Ambani would probably dole out a few  crores and that could be enough to end all the conflict of who gets to enjoy the funds collected from offerings at Pashupatinath. 

Just make sure that we have a 'statute' of a Late Dhirubhai Ambani in the middle of the park. 

But of course, our political parties will shoot down the idea because it will hurt our national sovereignty. How? We don't know but if they are not getting the loot then it's time to shout 'Anti-Indian' slogans even thought they seem to receive kharcha from the Desis. 

Well, we do not have a problem with Jungey dai or Juddha Shumsher's sister-in-law's statue but we seem to have problem with the Shahs. And for the park in Pashupatinath, let's name it 'Republic Nepal – Reliance Park'.  If we want to make both chimekis happy then we can have a 'Republic Nepal-Mao Park' as well on the other side.

We all love Momos and we can have an international festival for momos every year where all dumpling loving bideshis can come together and enjoy all kinds of momos for a week. 

Well, the Nanglo wallahs from Palpa have been doing it for years. Maybe, our government should learn from them and Nepal Tourism Board can spend millions more to promote the capital as 'Big Momo' overseas instead of wasting money on useless promotions.

Our student union wallahs are now into burning libraries because they must have gotten tired of burning tyres and littering the streets with stones and bricks. 

We can promote this capital as 'Big Bang' where all hooligans around the world can come to this land and participate in a week-long festival where our political cadres will teach them how to first find used tyres, then fuel and then light it up in less the nine seconds. 

Usain bolt maybe the fastest man on Earth but he can't beat this. Maybe, we could have a 'Hooligans Olympics' here because we will never have the funds to host an Olympic Games anytime soon.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Budget for Thieves



Our brilliant government has presented the annual budget of Rs 618 billion and most of it will go to pay our hardworking civil servants, competent contractors and loyal political cadres.  This year's budget like always has nothing for the common folks. 

It's not something to be surprised of because our government does not work for the people.  It works for con artists masquerading as politicians. It works for fake VAT Bill byaparis and criminals selling adulterated products to the public. It works for all the crooks in this land but not us.

The main job of our government is to collect taxes and then provide unnecessary perks and chiya kharcha to our politicians and their cronies leaving the rest of us to deal with inflation, corruption and frustration.

We have no voice at the table. We are the ones dealing with shortages of everything whereas our politicians get to drive around in luxury vehicles with Rambos pointing assault rifles at the public. 

Don't  expect our civil servants to show up at work on time and do their job even after getting a 10% pay raise and increase in other allowances.  The only hard work they do is how to kiss some netas' ass for promotion and transfer to lucrative postings.  They extort from us and the money goes all the way up to the mantra's personal aide. 

If the CIAA really wants to go after the big fishes then they should haul in all the politicians' personal aides and get hold of their black books. But of course, Lok Man dai doesn't want to rock the boat and seems to ignore the fact that our Nepal Food Corporation hands out thousands of goats for free during Dashain to our hakim sahebs and netas. 

Even if we can't end corruption for now, at least stop the 'free goat' offer for our crooked thieves.

Our contractors will continue to build bridges where there are no rivers. And they are not solely to be blamed for the never-ending road construction in the country. Our political parties need the dough to pay their cadres and mundrey gundas.  

The easiest way to make some dough is to bring some development project to your constituency and then extort the contractor who gets the contract to do the shoddy work. 

Our government has promised us that our contractors will be responsible for at least five years after they complete their job. But in this land of ours, only the public is held accountable while the rest of the clowns get away with all the crimes.

Our cadres know only how to destroy public property and burn tyres.  It would be nice if our cadres learned something productive like carpentry, plumbing and even fixing up vehicles instead of destroying them. 

Instead of burning tyres, learn how to make those tyres into rafts or bags or something that can be put into daily use. But our leaders have not taught their cadres to be constructive. 

Instead, they only know destructive activities. They should be hired as hooligans for some English Premier League football clubs instead of staying here and carrying out chakka jams and Nepal bandas.And whenever their leader is in the top kurchi, they demand chiya kharcha and from the state treasury. 

Our lawmakers had demanded Rs 50 million each for their constituencies but they will be getting only Rs 10 million. But our Finance Minister has a few tricks up his sleeves. 

Our buffoons used to earlier get Rs 1 million under the Parliamentary Development Fund. Now, they will get Rs 1.5 million and Rammy Dai has also assured the lawmakers that each constituency will get projects worth Rs 50 million.  

That means, our freeloaders will now get Rs 11.5 million hard cash which they can misuse it for their personal gain. And on top of that, they can get kickbacks on the Rs 50 million development projects in their constituencies. 

It's a win-win situation for our politicians whereas the public will have to be happy with new welcome gates and pot-hole filled roads in their constituency.

Our politicians may not agree on how many provinces we need or what kind of government we want but they will agree on one thing. That is, how to share the loot and be happy while the common folks get nothing and have to go abroad to support their families.

Our government is also planning to set up a 'Rs 500 million start-up fund' to help entrepreneurs. We all know that the political cadres will get the dough while the real entrepreneurs will probably be asked to submit more paperwork until he or she finally gives up.

At the end of day, we just want to make enough to have a decent meal of dal,bhat, tarkari and if lucky, a few chunks of masu as well. Our government could do us a big favor if it controls food prices and takes action against hoarders, black-marketers and those selling adulterated products. 

As usual, the capitalist pigs will make more, our communist and socialist netas will make much more whereas it's time for the common folks to stand up and say 'No More'.