Sunday, September 28, 2014

Good over Evil

Dashain is here and let us all celebrate victory of good over evil by eating, drinking and spending our savings to buy gifts for our loved ones.  Our byaparis make a killing during Dashain and the common folks are the ones who have to be the sacrifice to appease the Gods.  

Our byaparis buy clothes for Rs 70 and sell it for Rs 700. And most of us have no choice but to buy them because we need at least one new shirt or sari for Dashain.  

Either we all have to sign up for some vocational class and learn to sew and stitch or we can all get together and pitch in to order a container of clothes from China. Maybe that could help us to manage our budget during the festive season.

Every year, it's the same story when it comes to the goats. We don't have enough domestic goats to fulfill the market demand.  We buy tens of thousands of goats from the Desis and the Chinese. 

Our goat wallahs even sell us sick goats and we can't do anything about it. The only way we can cut down the 'goat' deficit is by raising our own goats. 

Yes, the government can do us a favor if it comes up with a 'Ek Ghar, Ek Goat' program. Each household should get one baby goat at least six months before Dashain at subsidized price. 

We will take care of it for months and it will take care of our belly during Dashain. And for vegetarians, they should get potatoes and mushrooms at discounted price. 

Nepal Food Corporation (NFC) has imported 3,400 goats for Dashain. Half of it will go to our visionary netas, hardworking hakim sahebs and fellow NFC employees. And no, they don't have to pay for it. 

The common citizens will have to stand in line for hours to buy a sick goat while the healthy ones are delivered to the 'thulo' mancheys so that they can enjoy Dashain without spending a paisa. 

The liquor stores will have to set aside a few bottles of bidhesi whisky for our cops and a bottle or two will probably be delivered to the higher-ups. And our netas also get a 'Blue Label' or two.  After all, our hardworking civil servants will have to visit the doorsteps of our great leaders with their offerings or else they will not get any lucrative postings later.

Our bus wallahs have no tickets unless you fork up two to three times the normal bus fare. And sometimes, you might have to stand up all the way from Kathmandu to Kakarbhitta or if you are lucky then you might get a muda to sit on.

I think it would be nice if we had a at least two weeks break before Dashain and most of us can organize our own 'Dashain Walk' programs and walk all the way from the capital to our villages. Our ancestors did it and why can't we? 

It could save us thousand of Rupees on bus fare and by the time, we reach home, we will all be a lean, mean, walking machine. I think the government should make it mandatory for all pot-bellied men to at least walk till Mugling. 

Let's make it a crime to have a pot-belly unless it is due to some medication or something. If we all then worry about our rising waistline then we will eat less, be more healthy and save a few more Rupees on food and health care as well. After all, your sugal level will be on check and you will not have to worry about type-2 diabetes.

It seems that we can't seem to get a break while all the byaparis make tons of dough during the festive season.  Our beloved Prime Minister is in New York while CK Raut is in jail. Raut should be allowed to voice his opinion. 

We are a Republic not a totalitarian regime. We should be making up instead of breaking up. Instead of sending Raut to jail, our government should focus on providing job opportunities and building infrastructure both in Pahad and Madhesh.

I think it should be mandatory for all our netas to be present in the country during Dashain. Our leaders should take a bus ride to their hometowns and stay in line for hours to get their chance to take a swing in the ping instead of wasting our taxpayers money by having fun abroad.

But of course, our government does not care about common citizens because it has to take care of its cadres, cousins and contractors first. Constitution comes last whereas corruption is the priority of the day for our clowns.

Our government is not for good governance but for 'goon' governance. In the future, there will come a time it would be better to go on a fast then spend your life saving to celebrate Dashain. Our Hindu Nepalis should learn a thing or two from the Desis. Indian PM Narendra Modi will be in Amrika during Dashian but he will not quit his fasting. 

If we can all go for fasting during Dashain, it will not only clear our toxins but it will also help us to save a few more Rupees. Yes, let's change the way we have been celebrating Dashain. Let the Rawans who rule this country gorge, drink and be merry while we fast, meditate and celebrate Dashain by giving our bodies a break.  

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Mundrey to Mantri

Let's congratulate our great leader KP Oli for recalling two of the party's ministers and sending two chamchas in their place. Oli has proven that he has a vision for this country, that is , to make it a heaven for criminals and hell for the common folks.  

The two new lucky mini-sinisters are Dipak Chandra Amatya and Mahesh Basnet.  Amatya is our new mini-sinister for Culture, Tourism and Civil Aviation. His only claim to fame is that he has been a serial arse-kisser of Jhallu Baba.  

Amatya has proven that if you work hard as a personal aide of a politician then someday you too can become a mantri.  Working hard does not mean that you are assisting the politician to do some good for the country. It means, making sure that the politician's near and dear ones get funds from the state treasury and loyal cadres get government jobs. 

Let's hope that Amatya will do his best to promote tourism by giving contracts to promote our country to his near and dear ones. And please buy a dozen new planes as soon as possible so that our hardworking Nepal Airlines employees can steal the tyres, life jackets and anything that is worth selling in the black market.

And the biggest joke of the week is that our youth leader Mahesh Basnet is our new mini-sinister for Industry. Basnet is a serial arse-kicker. He has lots of little mundreys under his command. Our political parties need both dealmakers and deal breakers.

If you can seal the deal then you can share the loot with other free loaders but if the mundreys of other parties win the government contract then you send in your own goons to break the deal. 

Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but at the end of the day, it's the political parties who make the dough from all the government contracts in the country.  And our great leaders need such thugs as Basnet to win elections, carry out bandas and extort from our fake-VAT Bill byaparis. 

Basnet is also good at lighting up torches and organizing masal julus. And he is an expert when it comes to hitting our cops with torches. But now, he will get security from our Nepal Police and not to forget, free vehicles and more chiya kharcha as well. 

I guess, there should be a new sport in our national games. Let's call it a '400m torch obstacle rally'. An athlete will need to light a torch, start running while shouting political slogans non-stop and getting past a dozen riot-police who will try their best to stop the athlete from crossing the finishing line.

Yes, Basnet lost in the Constituent Assembly election but he is our new mantri. Well, Makune lost twice in the CA election part-I and still went on to become our Prime Monster. I think our CPN-UML party likes losers. 

Well, Makune won twice this time but he lost the race for the chairperson of his own party. KP Oli is not in good health and we thought he would do some good and leave a legacy but it turns out that he just wants to make some dough and promote mundreys while he is still alive and kicking.

Let's hope that someday Basnet will also be our Prime Monster and our land will be ruled by mundreys. Then, all of us can go abroad to make a few Dinars more while the mundreys loot everything in this land.

KP Oli seems to love mundreys because they are good at fundraising by any means. First, they send  you a letter from the party and ask for help gently. If that doesn't work, then they send the mundreys to extort the byaparis. 

Well, nearly all political parties ask for voluntary contribution and our byaparis happily contribute as well. After all, no one wants to mess with the mundreys. Even if our cops arrest these thugs, they are free to go the next day because our so-called leaders pressure our men and women in blue to release them.

UML now stands for United Mundrey Leaders. Basnet will do his best to bring an industrial revolution in the country by using his skills as a torch-carrier. KP Oli is a smart man. Dashain is near and Basnet can use his muscles and now as a mantri, he can misuse his power as well to extort some dough from our byaparis.

Basnet is a role model for all mundreys in the country. If you are a mundrey then please join the CPN-UML. Ganesh Lama and all other mundreys in town should join Oli's party and they too can become mantri someday. 

Just be patient, gather as many mundreys as possible and use them to organize bandas and go on a rampage once in a while. And one day, the same laathi-charging cops will have no choice but to salute you and provide security for you and your loved ones.  

A 'Nepali Dream' comes true for a mundrey. Long Live Gun-a-tantra!