Saturday, August 1, 2015

Stop Foreign Junk

Our incompetent government has introduced new criteria for foreign junkets of our clowns and civil servants. We all know that those in power and authority are the ones who break all the laws of the land. This new criteria natak looks good on paper like every other stuff our government comes out with but such nataks fail because our government can't enforce anything.

They fail to take action against our black-marketers, transport mafia, fake VAT Bill byaparis and sellers of adulterated and substandard products. So, hoping that the government will take action against their own chors if they violate such directives is like expecting the Principal to spank the teacher who spanked you. 

If every chor is having fun then you might need a thulo chor to stop the party. Now, we need to organize a competition to figure out who has been on the most foreign junkets in the past year and ask the chor to head the 'Stop Foreign Junk' committee.

Ours is the only land in the world where our hakim sahebs and clowns go on foreign junkets just to spend our taxpayers money. These buffoons think that they are entitled to such freebies because they are in power or top positions in the government. We pay our taxes so that our civil servants and clowns can be fed. We pay our taxes so that these buffoons can take care of their families.

But our taxes are not enough. The funds meant for development projects and to build infrastructure are siphoned off by our freeloaders so that their families can live like kings while the common folks have to wait for Dashain to afford a few chicken wings.

The common folks will have to plan ahead and save for months if they want to take our family to Chitwan or Pokhara. Our hakim sahebs and clowns will look around for conferences and what not and beg the bideshi dalals to invite them. Some get free tickets while some make sure that they get to spend our taxpayers' money so that their families can enjoy free shopping and tour.

Maybe, it would be better if our government also provides free domestic and foreign trips to lucky citizens every month. Yes, give a family of four a week-long trip to Singapore or Bali once a month at the taxpayers' expense. We wouldn't mind it. After all, at least one taxpayer and his or her family get something back from the corrupt government.

Our clowns visit foreign lands but fail to learn a thing or two. They first need to visit an ENT doctor and get their eyes and ears fixed.  Maybe then they will able to see clearly the development in foreign and and listen to the conversations of competent bideshis and what they do to make their land better. 

Our thulo mancheys only know how to use their mouth and that too only to beg for a few Dollars or scholarships for their kids whenever they visit their masters overseas.

If our government strictly enforces the so-called new criteria then corrupt thulo mancheys will have to follow certain guidelines when it comes to giving and receiving gifts. I guess we should have only certain items classified as gifts that can be given by our corrupt chors such as a Dhaka Topi or Gunyo Cholo,  Khukhuri or Khukhuri Rum, Yarsagumba or a packet of Gundruk. 

When it comes to receiving the gifts from foreign dalals, our clowns and civil servants should only accept t-shirts and ties. They can wear the tie when attending ribbon cutting ceremonies back home or wear the 'I Love NY' t-shirt to bed.

Our President, Prime Minister and so-called top officials can only take no more than 22 folks along for a foreign trip. Although the committee that came up with the criteria has suggested not allowing folks who have nothing to do with the trip to tag along, it would be difficult for our thulo mancheys not take their spouse, kids or cousins with them. After all, who doesn't want to take their near and dear ones to foreign lands when it is all paid for and you even get a daily stipend?

Many of our civil servants and clowns themselves save a few hundred dollars on such trips except for Baburam. This man only needs two rotis, daal and some sabji for dinner. He doesn't have a large appetite nor does he need bideshi whiskey unlike most of our evil doers. But I don't know much about Hisila Didi. I think she needs to learn a thing or two from her hubby as well.

Our ministers and hakim sahebs will not be allowed to go on foreign trips sponsored by INGOs. Yes, we are all tired of bideshis inviting our clowns and civil servants on conferences on how to bring peace or alleviate poverty or eradicate corruption from our land. 

All them conferences have not changed the mindset of those in power. If our bideshi donors really want to help our land then they must ask their immigration department to bar anyone holding a Diplomatic Passport from Nepal. Maybe, when they have nowhere to go, our clowns and civil servants will sit on their desks and do their job well.

At the end of the day, no matter what criteria our incompetent government comes out with, our thulo mancheys will not follow them. Our sharks have no morals. They have no shame when it comes to enjoying the loot. Our Emperor was in Delhi recently and now our great 'Pajero' man Deuba is busy enjoying his guff session with Desi leaders. 

I think we should just implement a total ban on our clowns from visiting Delhi. Save a few Rupees by just visiting the Desi Ambassdor in Lazimpat instead of taking a flight to Delhi. Our clowns and civil servants can learn a thing or two from the Desis. Their civil servants and clowns sing the same song regardless of their political affiliation when it comes to their 'Nepal' policy unlike ours who neither do their homework nor are on the same page when dealing with bideshis.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Us vs Them

It took our corrupt clowns seven years to come up with a preliminary draft of the new constitution. We cannot blame them for being lazy and incompetent. Look at our Melamchi Water Supply Project. A dozen Prime Monsters and nearly two decades later, the valley residents are still waiting for the day when they can finally take a shower from the water from Melamchi River. 

It seems that we might get a constitution the day the water from Melamchi hit our taps which is still a few years away. 

Our Constipated Assembly (CA) lawbreakers have worked hard all these years to collect their paychecks and perks in tune of billions of Rupees. And they come out with a preliminary draft of the constitution that seems to be really out of tune with common citizens. 

After all, our corrupt clowns only listen to lazy civil servants, slimy contractors and crazy cadres. They only think of common citizens during elections. And after they have won, the ordinary folks are forgotten while the pick pockets and con artists get to enjoy the funds from the state treasury.

We could have saved a lot of money if we had just paid a few Karod Rupees each to a dozen of our crime family bosses who seem to be running the country instead of wasting it all on 601 clowns. We do not need the PR quota. We have seen the kind of folks who occupy the PR seats. Most of them are either fake VAT Bill byaparies, local hoodlum or cousins of our freeloaders.

We want elected representatives. The winner should do something good for his or her constituency while the loser can wait for another five years gathering dirty secrets and schemes cooked by the incumbent so that he or she can win and do the same natak.

Our corrupt loafers tend to live in a bubble. They get to ride around in luxury vehicles, surrounded by armed security personnel, while enjoying the perks of being a Chor. 

They do not know how hard it is for a common citizen to live a decent life amid shortages of everything. We have to deal with inflation and corruption which leads to frustration that forces a person to go abroad to earn a few Dinars more. 

The kids of our great netas do not have to worry about their future. Just look at our Crown Prince. The guy is a polygamist and has no skills apart from updating his Facebook statuses and hooking up with a new lady every winter. 

The kids of our visionary leaders get scholarships to attend universities abroad while the kids of our farmers have to go to community schools equipped with lazy teachers, no textbooks and shoddy infrastructure.

Our clowns take seven years to come up with a preliminary draft of the constitution and they only allocate two days for public consultation and that too for only a few hours a day.  Our netas think that they can just wrap it up and force us a constitution. They might have agreed to settle petty issues but major issues have yet to be agreed upon. 

We might have eight provinces but we still have not come up with the borders for our provinces. We might have to ask the British for their help. They seem to be very good at drawing lines across the map randomly. The British can take credit for most of the present day conflicts across the world. 

If our netas are smart then they will allow DFID to bring in their consultants to draw up our state borders. Then if things blow up and become chaotic then they can always blame the British. We will have someone to blame other than India for all our problems.

We still have not come up with names for our provinces. Why not carry out a SMS campaign and encourage all of us to think out of the box to come up with something? I think we should name our provinces based on our food. 

Let's have Roti, Choila, Dhido, Kera etc so that our kids do not have to have a IQ of 150 or more to remember, pronounce and write the correct spelling of our provinces. Make it short and sweet not long and bitter.  We want our provinces now not after the promulgation of the constitution. 

The issue of secularism has taken center stage as well. Most of our priestly and warrior castes want 'religious freedom' instead of secularism. Kamal Dai wants Hinduism as the state religion. Yes, majority of our folks are Hindus and we get majority of the public holidays while people of other faiths get only a day or two as national holiday.  

Hindus get to enjoy Eid by watching a Salman Khan movie while Muslims celebrate the day with their families. Hindus get to enjoy Christmas by dancing like crazy and getting drunk while Christians celebrate the day attending mass. So, we Hindus are having most of the fun, aren't we?

Kamal Dai should first take care of all the stray cattle in the valley before he sticks to the usual 'Holy Cow' as our national animal natak. Be a good Hindu, Kamal Dai. Let us do away with our caste system. 

Let us not bar people from entering temples and participating in pujas just because of their caste. Don't tell me your kids have not enjoyed a hamburger from McDonalds while on a holiday abroad. 

Our male chauvinist pigs do not want to provide citizenship based under the mother's name. They still want stupid clauses to make it difficult for single mothers to get citizenship for their kids. Mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends, please rise up and take to the streets. 

We are tired of Mundrey gundas shutting down the country in the name of one political party or another for their stupid causes. Women should unite and fight. This is the time, not to be quiet but to show your strength. We must appeal to the wives and mistresses of our clowns as well. We cannot allow millions of our own people to be stateless. 

The people want a directly elected executive. Our corrupt netas do not want it because they will lose out billions of Rupees in power sharing deals. The people want our MPs to be at least a graduate and not eight class pass running the show. We want term limit for our clowns. We also want age limit and minimum academic qualification as well. 

We want a better Nepal. What do our netas want? They just want us to be divided so that they can be united to loot our state treasury, shoot and boot peaceful protestors and don't really give a hoot of what we have to say. If we don't fight now, we will lose our right to be a Nepali. 

This fight is for our future, for our kids, for the generations to come. Join the battle or lose out! Young Folks, like one old chubby cigar chomping, brandy drinking bideshi said, " Never give up. Never give up! Never give up!! Never, never, never-never-never-never!'"

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at You may contact him at