Saturday, May 21, 2016

All Meows Unite!

The big news this week is not why our Prime Monster Krazy Oli is giving us a new joke every other week but why did our Maoists split into dozen parties in the first place when they would have to join hands again a few years later? Maybe, our comrades wanted to try their luck on their own and when they couldn’t make a buck, they had to run back to the mother ship to make sure that they remain relevant in Nepali politics.

And our Prime Monster has definitely gone mad. You don't need to find a neurosurgeon or a psychiatrist to check up on him. He has totally gone bonkers and we don't know how and why. It was all fine and dandy when he was not living in Baluwatar. He was just another top leader of another political party who was good at ukkhan-tukka. Now, we, the people have no more tolerance for his jokes and we all shout 'Thukka!' in unison.

Oli promised to end load shedding by harnessing the wind in our hills. Okay. Then he promised to have all homes fitted with gas pipelines. Well, that was great. Now, he has promised to buy ships for us and we will no longer have to pay billions of dollars to the Desis since we will have all the oil we need within two years. 

We have heard about politicians 'promising to build bridges where there are no rivers'. But this is the first time, we have heard a jackass tell us that we will have ships and we will use it to bring goods even though we have no access to the sea. Maybe, having a highway linking India and China or even a railway sounds feasible. 

Maybe, we will have access to the coastline if there is a major tsunami and somehow all of  Bengal disappears. Let us hope that will not happen because it is not good to wish someone else's destruction for your own personal gain like our netas do.

Well, let Oli be Oli and dream of an 'Oily Nepal! In a month or two, our Emperor will soon be our Prime Monster again and it would be the right time to move back to Baluwatar for him as well. After all, ten Maoist parties are now united and they all need some dough and if you are heading the country, it is much easier to find funds for your cadres, cousins and con artists as well.

Matrika Yadav is back to his parent club. So is Mani Thapa. But it seems that the other 3 Bs want to test the waters and figure out their next move. Biplab still wants to go back to the jungle and start another people's war. Baidya Ba just wants to invade India even if it's for an hour. 

And Baburam is busy drinking 'Boost' because he has to make sure his 'Naya Shakti' will still exist even after a year or two. Well, at least one of the Bees is back. Badal is back and he will probably be a minister again and will have to make some dough as well to make sure he has enough funds to run a party when he splits again next year.

Our Emperor fed Laddoos to Badal and Matrika to welcome them back to the fold. Why follow the Desi culture?  Whatever happened to our revolutionaries? Why not Sel Roti and Aloo? If our politicians are so anti-India then they should ban Laddoo and Rasgulla in this country. Yes, we have our own Lakhamari, don’t we? 

We are pretty sure that our Emperor had Blue Label and some Badel with comrade Badal in the evening. The sweet stuff was only for photo-op for social media. Our politicians don't like sweet stuff. They need to gargle with bideshi whiskey late in the night because the local moonshine doesn't soothe their sore throats anymore. 

I think Our Emperor should step aside and let Matrika lead the party. This guy doesn't need to give speeches to prove his point. He lets his legs and hands do the talking. Hope this guy does not become our Home Minister for he might lock up our senior police officials and show them his laathi skills.

The new unified party will now be known as 'CPN Maoist Centre' . And maybe when Biplab, Baidya Ba and Baburam come back someday then they can rename it as 'Maoist Call Centre' because all of their top leaders will be busy calling each other the whole day to carry out new back-stabbing nataks instead of actually doing anything revolutionary in this land. 

Our Emperor is still the Big Boss of the new revolutionary party. He tells his fellow comrades that there will be no debacles and they will no longer suffer defeat. We are really not sure about that because now, our Emperor will have to please all those who have come back. It's not easy. 

Well, it has never been easy for our Emperor. He tried to please his Guru and tried to fire Katwal. It didn't go well. Now, his side-kick, during the People's War and there after turned out to be just another Goru suffering from extreme mood swings. Baburam should not forget that he is here today because he was a Maoist. 

If our comrades really want to move forward then they should first apologize for their excessive violence during the insurgency or people's war or civil war  or 'what was that war for?' or whatever they call it. The state should apologize for its brutality as well. 

Our government should provide compensation to the families of the victims killed both by our revolutionaries and the state as well. Then only can we move on and work together to build a new Nepal. Yes, our comrades should get the credit for the end of monarchy, for making this country secular and fighting for the minorities and marginalized. 

But if only their main objective was to loot more once they got into power then why in the world did we get into a fight in the first place where only common folks on both sides sacrificed their lives so that only our politicians would get to live a new luxurious life. 

The Maoists have forgotten their fallen comrades. The State has forgotten the security personnel who died for following orders from their superiors. And this whole country has forgotten the innocent folks who lost their lives for no reason at all. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at You may contact him at

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Fool Us Always!

The Narcotics Control Bureau (NCB) should carry out drug tests on our corrupt clowns and incompetent civil servants. Yes, these buffoons must either be smoking something out of this world or are either taking pills imported straight from some medical labs in Amrika. 

Or if our Nepal Police want to try their polygraph thing to make sure it really works then why not test in on our buffoons. Maybe, we should have a compulsory polygraph tests for those who receive government funds in salaries or contracts or for free. Yes, you get free cash for your medical treatment or other kharcha if you happen to be the dear and near ones of our netas!

How in the world do you come up with such screwed-up policies and hawatari programs year in year out and expect us to believe that we will all finally prosper and be able to live a decent life? No one in his or her right mind can stand up and promise things we know that will never come true in this land of ours. 

And please stop using our President to present such nautanki nataks. The job of our President is to stay at the President's House and welcome anyone to take selfies with her. Well, the President is also our Supreme Commander in Chief of Nepal Army. 

Our President does not have the same power as the Amriki President who has the right to invade another land for no apparent reason and get away with it. But that could change if we make our Baidya Ba our President someday then we are more the likely to invade India a day after he takes office.

We are more likely to send one of our stray dogs to Mars by 2026 than generate 10,000 MW of electricity within a decade. Yes, it is possible to send  'Kalu' to the 'Red Planet' if we can somehow convince our folks who currently work for NASA to come back and help us build some kind of a capsule or a rocket that can transport a dog up there. 

But we cannot expect to generate 10,000 MW of electricity with this current bunch of corrupt political parties and inefficient bureaucracy. 

We all know that it is our civil servants who teach our politicians on how to make money from kickbacks and what not once they get into power. Yes, it is much easier to teach a SLC pass clown all the tricks when you are a Masters Gold Medalist Hakim Saheb.

Every kid in this country knows that we have the capacity to generate 40,000 MW of electricity. It's been nearly eight years since we became a Republic and if we had believed our Emperor then, we would have at least 20,000 MW of electricity by now. 

But of course, our Emperor is a emotional chap. One day, he will laugh at you, the next day he will cry for you and then next week, he will backstab you and then next month, he will hug you tight and kiss you. This guy seriously needs to visit a psychiatrist. Or just give him some Prozac and calm him down. We never know what he will do next. He might just lease the whole country to our chimekis and collect rent and be happy.

Our dream of generating thousands of MW of electricity is just becoming a big nightmare. We know we can do it but the reason we have not been able to do it is because of our bribe seeking civil servants, slimy contractors, local netas and their mundreys. 

And some of that dough somehow goes back to our netas. Yes, get free vehicles, salaries and perks and then loot the state treasury as well as get free money from contractors, civil servants and any con artists who wants to make easy money on the side while this country goes down the drain.

And the most ironic thing of all is that this land which is so rich in water resources have to depend instead on our Desi bhais to import electricity from across the border. Maybe, our incompetent government should come up with another target. 

How about promising us that we will import another 1,000 MW of electricity this winter from India and bring an end to load shedding in this land?  Now that is possible, if our clowns can keep the Desis happy instead of trying to piss them off every other week!

It seems that our politicians are more like juvenile delinquents than leaders. They have big egos because they must be compensating for whatever is inadequate in them. They fight over petty issues and agree to disagree on everything except on how to divide the loot from our state treasury. 

You can't just cancel our President's trip to India just because you are mad that the Desis don't dole out free gift hampers anymore. What do you expect? You have been kissing their arses for so long that even the recipients must have sore bottoms by now. 

You can't just recall our Ambassador in Delhi just because he is a Kangaroo. But of course, our political parties have quotas on everything. Yes, divide the vacant positions amongst themselves from to the Supreme Court to Ambassadors to any government positions. Send some byapari to represent our land for a few Karod Rupees as our Ambassadors.  Yes, fill up the Supreme Court with your Chamchas. 

What can you expect from these parasites? These are the same folks who sell the CA seats for millions of Rupees. No wonder, most of our byaparis, black marketers and con artists are our CA members! How can you then expect such folks to work together to make this country better?

Dear Nepal Government. Please stop promising us stuff that you cannot or know very well that you will not fulfill. We are surviving not because we have a billionaire in the Forbes List or because our NRNs are building hospitals and hotels and hydros. This country is still alive and kicking because of our millions of young folks who work overseas for a few more Dinars, Riyals and Ringgits.

Please stop promising us jobs, free loans and all the goodies. We know that whatever you have promised is not for us, the common folks but only for your cadres and cousins. But of course, the only one thing possible is that we might be able to welcome a million tourists on 2018.  And Nepal Tourism Board should make Hillary Clinton one of our goodwill ambassadors before she goes back to the White House. She's been here before.

What about Trump? Well, it just shows that half the Amrikans are either really stupid or just ignorant racist pricks. Well, they elected 'Dubya' twice. And maybe we are not the right folks to judge them because we have been voting for the same corrupt clowns over and over again while expecting them to change.  

It's like expecting a cannibal to be a vegetarian. They are not going to change. It is us who need to change our attitude. Let us not allow these clowns to rule over us without accountability. It's been ten years since the Maoists and the Morons got together and signed their hawatari agreement. Maybe, we need a new revolution, a mother of all revolutions to end all this natak once and for all! 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at You may contact him at