Saturday, September 20, 2014

Mundrey to Mantri

Let's congratulate our great leader KP Oli for recalling two of the party's ministers and sending two chamchas in their place. Oli has proven that he has a vision for this country, that is , to make it a heaven for criminals and hell for the common folks.  

The two new lucky mini-sinisters are Dipak Chandra Amatya and Mahesh Basnet.  Amatya is our new mini-sinister for Culture, Tourism and Civil Aviation. His only claim to fame is that he has been a serial arse-kisser of Jhallu Baba.  

Amatya has proven that if you work hard as a personal aide of a politician then someday you too can become a mantri.  Working hard does not mean that you are assisting the politician to do some good for the country. It means, making sure that the politician's near and dear ones get funds from the state treasury and loyal cadres get government jobs. 

Let's hope that Amatya will do his best to promote tourism by giving contracts to promote our country to his near and dear ones. And please buy a dozen new planes as soon as possible so that our hardworking Nepal Airlines employees can steal the tyres, life jackets and anything that is worth selling in the black market.

And the biggest joke of the week is that our youth leader Mahesh Basnet is our new mini-sinister for Industry. Basnet is a serial arse-kicker. He has lots of little mundreys under his command. Our political parties need both dealmakers and deal breakers.

If you can seal the deal then you can share the loot with other free loaders but if the mundreys of other parties win the government contract then you send in your own goons to break the deal. 

Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but at the end of the day, it's the political parties who make the dough from all the government contracts in the country.  And our great leaders need such thugs as Basnet to win elections, carry out bandas and extort from our fake-VAT Bill byaparis. 

Basnet is also good at lighting up torches and organizing masal julus. And he is an expert when it comes to hitting our cops with torches. But now, he will get security from our Nepal Police and not to forget, free vehicles and more chiya kharcha as well. 

I guess, there should be a new sport in our national games. Let's call it a '400m torch obstacle rally'. An athlete will need to light a torch, start running while shouting political slogans non-stop and getting past a dozen riot-police who will try their best to stop the athlete from crossing the finishing line.

Yes, Basnet lost in the Constituent Assembly election but he is our new mantri. Well, Makune lost twice in the CA election part-I and still went on to become our Prime Monster. I think our CPN-UML party likes losers. 

Well, Makune won twice this time but he lost the race for the chairperson of his own party. KP Oli is not in good health and we thought he would do some good and leave a legacy but it turns out that he just wants to make some dough and promote mundreys while he is still alive and kicking.

Let's hope that someday Basnet will also be our Prime Monster and our land will be ruled by mundreys. Then, all of us can go abroad to make a few Dinars more while the mundreys loot everything in this land.

KP Oli seems to love mundreys because they are good at fundraising by any means. First, they send  you a letter from the party and ask for help gently. If that doesn't work, then they send the mundreys to extort the byaparis. 

Well, nearly all political parties ask for voluntary contribution and our byaparis happily contribute as well. After all, no one wants to mess with the mundreys. Even if our cops arrest these thugs, they are free to go the next day because our so-called leaders pressure our men and women in blue to release them.

UML now stands for United Mundrey Leaders. Basnet will do his best to bring an industrial revolution in the country by using his skills as a torch-carrier. KP Oli is a smart man. Dashain is near and Basnet can use his muscles and now as a mantri, he can misuse his power as well to extort some dough from our byaparis.

Basnet is a role model for all mundreys in the country. If you are a mundrey then please join the CPN-UML. Ganesh Lama and all other mundreys in town should join Oli's party and they too can become mantri someday. 

Just be patient, gather as many mundreys as possible and use them to organize bandas and go on a rampage once in a while. And one day, the same laathi-charging cops will have no choice but to salute you and provide security for you and your loved ones.  

A 'Nepali Dream' comes true for a mundrey. Long Live Gun-a-tantra! 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

I Love New York

Our Prime Minister Sushil Koirala (SuKo) is leaving for New York on September 19th to attend the United Nations General Assembly (UNGA).   I think SuKo now knows more about New York City then New Baneshwor.  

And he is leaving early because he has also needs to have his follow-up health checkup at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Well, we wish him well but it would be nice if he focused more on the constitution-making process while at home instead of just being busy doing nothing. 

Maybe, SuKo should at least ask the Amrikis to open a cancer center in our land before he leaves Baluwatar.

Dashain has come early for our 22-member delegation that will be having fun in New York. And for the rest of us, we will be busy trying to minimize our shopping list for Dashain because our paychecks and bonuses will not be enough to buy a live goat, a tola of gold and bunch of gifts for our families.  

So, we must do with a few kilo of mutton, one fake gold ring for our Mrs and cheap t-shirts for our near and dear ones. 

And for our hakim sahebs and our netas, they get free goats from our Nepal Food Corporation and free gift hampers from our fake-VAT Bill byaparis. And most of our clowns seem to have many tolas of gold and that’s because most of their in-laws are wealthy landowners and they gave the gold as dowries.

SuKo will address a function organized by our Nepali Embassy in UAE on Sept 20th.  I think SuKo should be flying to New York after a few hours transit instead of wasting our taxpayers money by spending a day in Abu Dhabi.  

If he really is eager to listen to the problems faced by our migrant workers in the Gulf then he should visit all the gulf countries and tell their heads of states to pay our folks better wages and provide humane living conditions. 

Just spending a day drinking chiya and meeting our ambassadors and a few 'neta' workers is not enough.  It's just another meet and greet session for Suko and his cadres in the Gulf.

After all, we have 'neta' NRNs everywhere.  SuKo has even appointed his relatives who are Amriki green-card wallahs as his advisers. Mridula Koirala aka Maria Koirala is now one of SuKo's trusted adviser.  She used to own a diner in Manhattan until a few years ago. 

By next year, we will not have a new constitution but we will certainly have a new Prime Monster. All good things do come to an end.  So hurry up Maria and open Amriki Diners in the capital and be a diner queen. 

Who knows, maybe our valley residents will get used to the idea of eating pancakes early in the morning instead of only toast with jam or aloo-chana-anda diet which most of the early birds seem to religiously follow.

I think she should open her 'Shining Star Restaurant' in Kathmandu. Maybe, she can get free land, loans without collaterals or even funds from the state treasury. 

After all, she has the PM's ears and how about a 24-hr diner in the middle of the city?  She could become the patron saint for our restaurant wallahs if that happens!

SuKo is also expected to attend functions organized by our NRNs in New York. Yes, it’s the same natak in foreign lands where the party cadres who are either illegals, green-card wallahs or citizens there gather in a Nepali restaurant for a buffet dinner. 

The guest will be asked to share his 'two words' but he or she will go on a rant more insane than the one Gaddafi gave at the UNGA back when he was having fun. 

Mridula has hosted nearly every so-called thulo manchey from Nepal who have visited New York in the past two decades.  I think she could do us a favor and pull her strings if she has any, to get a replica of the Statue of Liberty in middle of Ratna Park, all funded by the great people of New York City. 

Then maybe, we won't be making so much fuss about green card wallahs or NRNs who want to come back just to make more dough by using their political connections in this land. But of course, she only knows our politicians and civil servants and not the Amrikis.

NYC gets over 40 million tourists every year. SuKO can also go on Amriki TV talk shows and invite all Amrikans to visit Nepal except Hollywood celebrities who come here for photo-ops. Yes, we don't need Selena Gomez or Demi Moore. We can learn a thing or two from Maggie Doyne instead. 

And for the UNGA, dear Prime Minister, just wear a 'Visit Nepal' t-shirt and maybe hold a placard that says' Read My T-Shirt', do a victory sign and leave the podium and that's it. 

The world will then always remember you, for the most effective promo of one's country.  After all, who cares about speeches? It's the UN! Most of the heads of states just want to relax and enjoy some pretzels.