Saturday, March 25, 2017

Our Emperor goes to China!




Our Emperor is now in China, hoping to enjoy some dumplings while he is on a week-long vacation. I think our so-called leaders only want to join politics because they can take a foreign trip now and then, and waste our taxpayers' money while hanging out with bideshis which rarely brings any benefit to the nation.

Last year, our national comedian KP Oli was in China for a week where he signed a 10-point deal. A year later, our magician is back in the mainland to curry favor with the Chinese. Hope he has brought some gifts from back home to impress them!

The Chinese must be tired of having to deal with a new Prime Monster every other year. Our incompetent government tells us that we won't be signing any new deals with China this time. Our Emperor will be in the land of the Last Emperor to clear misunderstanding with our chimeki and work to implement the past agreements instead.

Our government has failed to make any progress on the agreements signed last year and our Emperor tells us that he will use his magic tricks to create a 'trustworthy environment' with the Chinese. 

Will our Emperor perform in a Chinese Opera? Or will he take the Chinese leaders out on a night of drinks and Karaoke and sign songs in Mandarin and impress the comrades there?

So how will our Emperor clear the misunderstandings between our two nations? We don't know but he and his spouse should first take a crash course on diplomatic protocol and etiquette to at least show the Chinese that we do have style and know how to carry ourselves in foreign lands.

Where are our Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MoFA) folks? Instead of talking with former Prime Monsters, ministers and other so-called experts, our Prime Monster should have spent a day at the MoFA and learn some tips and tricks to flatter the Chinese.

The Chinese communist leaders all tend to wear black suit, white shirt and dye their hair black. And no, we have yet to see any comrades wearing the 'Mao' suit these days. 

So, even if our Emperor is a Maoist, the Chinese really don't care. Mao is still the great leader there but the Chinese Communist Party has moved on. Maybe, our Emperor should just drop the 'Mao' tag and call himself a 'Chinese Communist' and could win some brownie points from our chimeki!

Our Emperor should have purchased at least a few black suits, dyed his hair and moustache pitch black before heading to China. Our Foreign Ministry wallahs should also have taught a few lines of Mandarin to our Emperor. 

At least, when meeting China's top leaders, he could blurt out some memorized lines in Mandarin like 'I am glad to be here' and 'Please give me some dough to win elections so that I can pay back the favor in the future' or just plain 'hello'!

We should also kindly request Sita Auntie not to paltey-kushing on a sofa when meeting world leaders unless you are teaching the other head of state some yoga techniques. And to always smile for the camera and nod your head in agreement when someone is speaking to you even though you have no idea what the other person is saying. 

And when it comes to handshakes, our Emperor should not go for the 'Trump' style where you grab the other person's hand and suddenly pull him or her towards you as if you are saving someone from drowning. 

Our Emperor's handshake is a little different. He grabs the other person's hand and starts shaking it vigorously without letting to go for quite some time. That’s not right either, unless it's your old friend from Rampur Campus and he owes you the Two Rupees you lent him back in the day. 

Just shake Xi's hand firmly, look him in the eye, smile,tell him that you want to kiss his ass so that you can get some funds for your party and let go.

Our Emperor will fit pretty well in China. The Chinese love banquets and drinking and our Emperor should enjoy a bottle of Baijiu in one go. He should also bring home a bottle or two and place it in his collection along with other bideshi raksis!  

Yes, our man needs a break and why not waste our taxpayers money by visiting a foreign land while ignoring the tasks at hand at home? 

We hear that he will meet with the Chinese Emperor Xi for less than 15 minutes. Well, we all get our 15 minutes of fame, don't we?  What will our Emperor do to impress Xi in quarter of an hour? Nothing. Xi will tell through his interpreter that China wants peace, progress and development. Our Emperor will nod his head and tell Xi that all is well is in our land. 

But our chimekis know better. Instead of peace, our politicians are sharing a piece of the loot among themselves. Instead of progress, we are moving backwards and let us not be surprised if we go back to the 24 kingdoms in a decade or two. And let us not even talk about development. We buy electricity from India. We spend more than Rs 13 in imports for each Rupee we export. 

Our incompetent government can't even work out with the Chinese to open our borders. We don't even let our own folks develop our hydropower sector. Our politicians and bureaucrats have bled this country dry. When will we all come together and stop the bleeding?

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Another New Party !




We have hundreds of political parties in the country but only a dozen participate in the 'Power Games' and only a handful get to be part of a government at a time and help themselves with the loot. Yes, gather 10,000 signatures, file your registration at the Election Commission and start your own political party. 

If you are lucky and somehow manage to get at least one seat in the House be it directly-elected or through the PR system, then you can even be a mantri but ony if you are willing to contribute a few Karods to the leading party in the ruling coalition. 

At the end of the day, everything has to do with money. No wonder, byaparis become CA members after paying a political party a few Karods. Gangsters become Central Committee Members of a political party because they have the muscles and our politicians can use them to extort our byaparis and also help out during elections. 

We even have folks who have citizenship papers of three countries and have changed political parties every summer so that they can share some of the loot as well.

We have the 'Bibeksheel Nepali' , a party founded by young folks in the valley. Well, they have been doing a good job carrying out protest programs here and there but is that enough? Just holding placards and protesting against bandas won't do much in this land where our police wallahs look the other way while banda wallahs burn taxis and thrash protesters who protest against the bandas! 

The Bibeksheel Nepali can show its strength not by protesting against bandas but by hiring water tankers every day to at least minimize the dust storm in the valley. Yes, collect funds from your well-wishers, family, relatives and yes, our byaparis as well. 

The Bibeksheel wallahs can help the traffic police manage our traffic in the valley. Make the micro bus wallahs stop their buses at the designated parking spot instead on the middle of the street. Yes, and do ask your cadres to at least take mixed-martial arts training as well so that when you protest against the banda wallahs, your folks can defend themselves because our police wallahs won't!

What we need today is an 'activist' party, not another 'empty speech' wallahs who think their words will change this country overnight. We are still waiting to be Singapore but so far our corrupt clowns have worked hard together to make sure that this country turns out to be another 'Somalia' in the near future.

Our Maoists talked about political and social change and we expected a lot from them. Well, maybe our so-called major political parties and our Desi bhais were right. Once our comrades left the jungle and joined the mainstream, they too would turn out to be just another party lusting after power and money. Today, Baidya Ba is still hoping for the final trench warfare with India. Biplab Dai wants to go back to the jungle and we know he won't but his BBQ nataks of burning towers and buses help to extort money from our telecom, media and other businesses as well. 

Dr Baburam decided to stop wearing the 'Mao' brand and started his own party. His 'Naya Shakti' seems to be going nowhere. Dr Saheb is our former Prime Monster and he will get all the security, vehicle and chiya kharcha from the State for the rest of his life.  

Karishma Manandhar will continue to host the 'Holi Party' with her hubby every year till they are seventy. And for the rest of the folks who joined the Naya Shakti to change Nepal will have to either get back to work, find a new job or just quit politics and start thinking about providing a better future for themselves and their families. 

And now, we have Rabindra Mishra who has quit his high-paying job as head of BBC Nepali Service to start his own political party. Here in this land, we have lazy bums who have no jobs and only know how to spew venom, join political parties or start their own in hopes of making some dough. But in the case of Rabindra dai, we have a person who has decided to quit his job that pays him lakhs of Rupees so that he can be a full-time politician! 

Either the guy is crazy, or is suffering from mid-life crisis at 50 or really wants to devote his time to participate in the 'Political Olympics' of Nepal where his chances of winning the gold is as rare as our Nepali team winning the real 'Olympic Gold'. But we must start somewhere and let us all wish Rabindra Dai and his team best of luck. 

How far will his 'Sajha' Party go? Well, we don't know yet but if Mishra can at least provide some solutions to solve some of our problems then he will do better in politics than the two other parties that seem to be going nowhere. 

And of course, politics is not easy in this land where policies and vision don't matter while only muscle and money help to stay in power. Mishra should just start by mobilizing his party members to help keep this valley clean and then slowly work to clean the system that is ruining this land. 

And it’s time our byaparis start their own 'capitalist' party as well. Binod Chaudhary tells us he is worth a billion dollars. A ten percent of that could fund a new political party without having to worry about extorting others for funding and who knows it might for once help to bring real changes to this land?

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com