Saturday, November 22, 2014

From Dawn till Dusk




Our incompetent government has decided to help us all by opening some of our government offices for 12 hours a day. From December 16 onwards, our government offices providing so-called urgent services will remain open from 6:00am till 6:00 pm and even during public holidays.

If you are an early riser then you can pay your utility bills, renew your driving license and get a new passport while on your morning walk. Or you can do so while you go for vegetable shopping in the evening. 

Our civil servants are the most hardcore supporters of the 'Nepali Time'. They always show up one hour late and leave home an hour early. Now, we will have lazy bums working in two shifts, making us go round and round and waste half a day or even a few days to get the services we need. 

It would be better if our incompetent government made it mandatory for all civil servants to remain in their desks during working hours. We wouldn't be really needing two shifts if our 'Chiya Kharcha' wallahs showed up at work on time and didn't spend hours watching YouTube videos or playing 'Solitaire'.

Our civil servants get their tea served at their desks. Why do they need a 'Khaja' break that lasts half a day?  They can eat their chana-chiura or momos at their desks while they sign our papers. We won't mind. 

We all need bathroom breaks but it must not last longer than 10 minutes. Our civil servants disappear in the restroom for hours while the service seeker cannot last more than 10 seconds inside those stinky restrooms in our government offices. 

But most of us don't even know where the restrooms are and don't even think of using it because we are so caught up with trying to find out where the person who needs to sign our papers has disappeared.

I think our clowns who are enjoying all the freebies as our CA members should tighten up their belts or petty-coats and get serious about giving us a constitution by January 22nd, 2015.  

Our so-called leaders are busy either visiting remote districts or are out of the country, trying to kiss some bideshi arse. We hear that our Emperor was having fun with all the Kodo ko raksi and khaski ko masu while other loafers were in India trying to get some free laddoos from the Desis.

I think our cops should stop harassing the common citizens by frisking them at major checkpoints around the valley. It would be better if our government made it mandatory for all CA members to remain the valley until they can give us a new constitution. Our CA Chairman Subash Nembang has been repeatedly requesting our loafers to end the political deadlock and focus on giving us a new constitution. 

Nembang always reminds our freeloaders to not to disappear to foreign lands but none of our clowns seem to care. I think it's about time Nembang stop acting 'soft' and learn how to curse, swing chairs and even throw stuff at our CA members to show his displeasure at their nautanki nataks. Who cares about House rules and etiquette?  

Most of our CA members act like juvenile delinquents and seem to have no manners, morals or even an ounce of self-respect. Have you no shame? How can you continue to get paid to do nothing?

We, the common folks have got it all wrong. We go after our local plumber or electrician for messing up the work at our homes but we just watch and sit idle while our clowns are messing up this land of ours.

Our government should instruct the security personnel to prevent our freeloaders from leaving the valley or even the country. But our government and our civil servants only know how to harass the public. I think it's time we all got together and dug ourselves a tunnel so that we can at least reach the other end of the valley without worrying about our security personnel treating us like terrorists. 

It's a shame that our government can deploy thousands of security personnel to protect a dozen or more Very Irritating Persons (VIPs) but can't do the same to protect the common citizens in the valley.

Instead of deploying 26,000 security personnel, why not just declare a state-sponsored 'Kathmandu' Banda so that we can all stay home and enjoy a two-day holiday? That could at least save us millions of Rupees so that our security personnel won't have to work double shifts protecting the SAARC leaders from the Nepali people. 

We are not hosting the Olympics or the FIFA World Cup or some UN Summit where leaders from all over the world are coming to Kathmandu to eat our vyar vyar momos. It's just the SAARC Summit where nothing really happens. It's not like Putin and Obama will be in town to try our local rice beer or vodka. 

Maybe Sushil Da can ask NaMo and NaSh to stop their intelligence agencies from meddling into other chimeki's business. I think it would be better if these two Na Na got together and invaded Britain. 

After all, Let us all the blame the British for the mess in our region. The colonies get free passes while comrades in arms get short-shifted! If the British were really our friends, then they would have at least given us a beach or two!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Return of NaMo


First of all, let us thank our incompetent government for giving us a two-day public holiday during the SAARC Summit. Our schools and colleges will be shut down for four days so that our students can stay home and enjoy the break. Our hardworking civil servants can also take their break from seeking bribes from service seekers. 

I think hosting the Summit is a waste of our taxpayers money. Instead of renovating here and there, why not organize a bare-bones Summit? Yes, let us all have our SAARC leaders sit cross-legged on a sukul mat. We can serve them a Newari bhoj while they take turns delivering their hawa-tari speeches. NaMo will get a vegetarian menu!

And instead of wasting billions of Rupees on temporary makeover of the city, our government should have organized the whole natak in Lumbini. A mountain flight for our SAARC leaders and a quick lunch at Lukla could save us a whole lot of money instead of wasting millions on helicopter rides for a one-day retreat in Dhulikhel. 

While our PM and his chamchas will enjoy the holiday, rest of us will have to walk to work and burn some calories or stay at home and add more.

Instead of impressing the heads of states of the SAARC nations by making our lives miserable, our buffoons should impress us by at least coming out with the first draft of the constitution before the SAARC Summit. But that's not possible because our freeloaders can't seem to agree on anything.  

Our Emperor must have really missed Rolpa and the bunkers there. If he really wants to win our hearts and minds then he should move out from his Lazimpat residence and live in a one room apartment. And instead of riding around in a luxury vehicle, why not use public transport like the rest of us.

Dr. Saheb is busy trying to keep up with his Twitter celebrity status. He wants us to let him govern us for five years and if he can't turn us into Singaporeans then we are free to shoot him. But the common citizens can only afford to buy gums and not guns. 

And we do believe in peace unlike our clowns who just want a piece of the loot. Baidya Ba is busy preparing plans to invade India next year. And Netra Dai wants to launch another arm struggle by next week.

NaMo visited us in August and gave his Oscar-winning speech. This time around, he wants to visit Janakpur and  Lumbini and address the public as well. NaMo also wants to distribute 3,000 bicycles to school children in Janakpur. 

Our incompetent government cannot afford to provide bicycles to our kids because they don't have any funds. But all our clowns get to ride around in luxury vehicles and get free fuel, maintenance kharcha and armed guards to protect them from malnourished citizens.

NaMo has visited Japan and the United States in September and he will get done hanging out in Myanmar, Australia and Fiji before the SAARC Summit. Wherever NaMo goes, he wants billion dollar investment for his country. What about our leaders? They only go to Japan and the United States for free medical treatment at the expense of our taxpayers. 

Our netas should learn a thing or two from NaMo. First, hire an advertising agency to write your speech. I am sure our Nepali copywriters can come up with creative one-liners and heart-warming slogans. 

Second,  try to wear the same kind of outfit. Our Maoists did try their best with 'grey' coats. If our comrades had at least one person with an advertising background then they would have claimed that Mark Zuckerberg was a Maoist. After all, the Facebook founder wears a grey t-shirt everyday.  

Third, instead of begging for free ambulances, bicycles and other grants to build bridges where there are no rivers, why not encourage bideshis and NRNs and our migrant workers to invest in Nepal? 

Yes, give them tax breaks and incentives. It would also be nice if our government also thought about our small business owners in the country instead of only making life easier for our fake-VAT bill byaparis.

The Chinese have pledged to invest US$20 billion in India within the next five years. The Japanese have pledged US$35 billion. I think we should just ask the Chinese and the Indians to invest in all joint-venture projects in the country. If that happens, then our politicians can't accuse each other of being foreign stooges. 

And we also can't leave out our clowns who lobby for the West. Yes, let's invite the Americans and the Europeans as well. I think our dreams of having a 40,000 MW electricity in 20 years is possible if we can ask all the major foreign donors to come together to help us end loadshedding and make some money from our rivers. 

If  our clowns really thought like NaMo then they would be asking bideshis to invest in their districts. Switzerland can help Solukhumbu. Japan can help Janakpur. We just need to match the districts with the foreign countries. 

What about Kathmandu?  I think Kazakhstan will do. If we build a statue of the Kazakh President then who knows, we might get some free oil and maybe a box of uranium as well. If Former British PM, Tony Blair can make millions giving PR advice to the Kazakh dictator then who are we to talk about human rights and democracy?