The Everest Season

Last year, our crown prince and his girlfriend reached the summit. Then they eloped and climbed the Red Fort in Delhi.  And if our comrades get to rule us for another decade or two, don’t be surprised if the computer operator lands on Mars and then elopes with another lass or even an alien.

Everybody seems to have been bitten by the ‘Everest’ bug nowadays. This year, we have a bunch of Kollywood actors on top.  Arjun Karki and Nisha Adhikari have climbed Everest.  Hope they shot a few dance and song routine on their way to the summit.  

Maybe they should have pitched the idea for a movie to our crown prince even before they left Kathmandu for the Everest Base Camp. He would have probably provided the funding because who doesn’t want his or her story on silver screen?

While 40-year-olds in the capital are already suffering from hypertension and diabetes, grandpas are climbing Everest. Yuichiro Muira is now the oldest man to climb Everest at the age of 80. 

The Japani grandpa previously climbed Everest at the age of 70 and 75. Earlier, Our Nepali grandpa, Min Bahadur Sherchan with his diet of piro aloo and chuira beat Muira a few days later at the age of 76. Sherchan now plans to break Muira’s record once again at the age of 81.  

Since everybody is climbing Everest, we now think that getting to the top of the highest mountain in the world is as easy as climbing Dharahara. No, it’s not. It’s not like you can get drunk on Friday night and then hike to Shivapuri the next morning with a hangover. You need endurance, courage and a lot of help from our Sherpa brothers if you want to get to the top.

Well, there will always be a few Kuireys who don’t want any help from the Sherpas. They don’t even need any oxygen and would rather attempt to summit wearing a t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. And they also like to get into brawls with our lads. 

I guess somebody needs to remind them that just because you are white doesn’t mean that you are always right.  Give us a little bit respect. Yes, our government charges you tons of money to climb Everest but we are friendly people and it wouldn’t hurt for them bidhesis if they left their ego home.

Rekha Thapa, the sex symbol of today’s Kollywood has now joined the UCPN (Maoist).  It’s all about timing. She was off by a few years. If she had joined the party a day after she danced with our Emperor, then she would have been the chairperson of the Film Development Board.  

She is a comrade now and that will probably scare a few hall wallahs who like to skim off the box office. Rekha knows the industry well. She produces her own movies. Maybe she should also climb Everest and do an item number with a bunch of Yetis on the top of the world.

Five notorious dons have been charged with money laundering. But they are nowhere to be found. That’s how we roll in this land of ours. Maybe they are all up there at the Everest Base Camp hanging out with other adventure seekers. 

It’s hard to believe that Ganesh Lama is a don. He is a legitimate businessman. He is also a member of our former Home Minister’s party. Bijaya Gacchadar should be given an award for promoting inclusion.  You normally don’t find a Pahadi in a central committee of a Madhesi party. 

Why is everyone after Deepak dai? It’s not his fault that he happens to live in Thamel.  Chakre Milan is in jail. It’s his bad luck. While the other dons are roaming around freely, he has to stay inside and watch TV all day. 

Then we have our Parshuram Basnet, the former conductor turned gangster turned UML youth leader. The other guy on the list is not even worth mentioning because he is only worth a few Karod. 

All of them dons charged with making millions through illegitimate means are affiliated with our major political parties.  It’s the same old story. Our clowns decide to widen the roads. Criminals get the contracts and kickbacks to our clowns. And our cops beat up tole basis if they decide to protest.  

The former Mandaleys are now uniting except for our former Home Minister Kamal Thapa. Kamal dai is happy with his chariot procession and  ‘Bring Hindu Back’ nataks. It’s funny that most of our ‘Hindu’ warriors have their kids abroad. Why not send them kids to an Ashram and teach them to recite mantras instead? 

Grandpa Surya is still going strong. He might never become the Prime Minister again but he sure can break all records if he climbs Everest.  

More Cops, More problems

The Khilly government has decided to recruit 6,010 new cops. It would be nice to find out how our civil servants crunch numbers. Who gets to decide how many cops we really need? Did they ask an astrologer to come up with the magic number?

Maybe, they just figured that we would probably have 601 clowns once again for Constituent Assembly II and they might need more security this time.  After all, our clowns don’t want to get slapped every other week.  At least ten cops will be enough to form a quite a big circle to protect our lazy bums.
 

Our 601 new buffoons can get 10 cops each for their security. Some of them can walk around with the freeloader. Some can do the dishes and wash clothes. Some can wake up at 4 in the morning to check if there is any water from the Khanepani folks. And somebody will have to stay in line for fuel and cooking gas whenever there is a shortage. Not all of them will get freebies from Nepal Oil Corporation. 
 

Our clowns have turned them police wallahs into personal slaves. Instead of protecting the public, they are busy protecting the buffoons. So, why not just pay the cops from their own party funds instead of wasting our taxpayers money? Hope someday our civil servants will be ashamed of themselves when they realize that their salaries and ghoos money all come from the public’s pockets.
 

The Home Ministry wants new cops for our highways. Why do we need a bunch of loafers who will act as mute spectators when a bunch of hooligans shut down the highways?  Maybe they should also be trained as mechanics so that they can fix flat tyres or do an oil change if necessary. At least that would be an honest earning instead of extorting them truck drivers.
 

The valley will get some new cops as well. Instead of bothering us with their so-called security checks at 8 in the evening, why not deploy a team to each ward in the valley and ask them to walk around our toles from 11 to 5 in the morning? 
 

That would save us time by not having to dial ‘100’ and then wait for a day for the cops to show up. At least if we have someone patrolling our neighborhood, we can just open the window and shout for help. 

If they want volunteers then we can form a neighborhood watch program and have tole basis devote at least a few hours per week. What will we do? We will just keep an eye on our neighborhood police to prevent them from drinking on duty and then snatching some drunk guy’s wallet or gold chain.
 

If we have local volunteers with them then they won’t be trying to ask funny questions or harass both men and women who are coming home late from a party or work or even a book club meeting.

It’s about time our cops understand that things are different in urban areas.  While the village lads and lasses have them all-night dohori sessions, the city slickers also need a place to hang out.
 

Our cops think that a woman who hangs out after 10 in the evening is of bad character. And all men who are out on the street are criminals.  It’s as if our cops themselves are holy saints who are out in the night saving our souls. 
 

Well, not all of us may be good people but it’s your job to investigate and let the honest, hard working folks go home and you can take the criminal elements to mamaghar. Let’s hope our new cops will at least get adequate training on how to behave like civilized human beings.
 

We will probably get more incompetent cops since only those with source-force will get them jobs. You either need some dough or you will get the job depending on whom you know. For the rest of the folks who think they will get hired based on their merit should not waste their time staying in line for hours to submit the forms. 
 

The ‘Nepali’ dream is not based on your talent and hard work. It is based on your acting and moneymaking skills. Either you have to have the brains to fool the other person or show him or her the money so that your job gets done.
 

Phones will start ringing. Money will change hands. So if you have a few lakhs to spare then you could at least be a constable. If your uncle happens to be a drinking  buddy of one of the new Maharjas then you can apply for Inspector but don’t forget the cash.  Cash is always king!