Saturday, August 16, 2014

Freeloaders & Freebies!

Our CA members are busy doing nothing but yet they continue to demand more perks and facilities because they think that this country owes them everything. Our freeloaders think they are entitled to all the freebies they can get because they are our lawmakers. And most of them get away with breaking the rules while our young folks get laathi-charged by our cops while standing in line.

Our incompetent buffoons now want laptops and internet access at their homes. Our clowns get paid more than Rs 70,000 per month in salary and other chiya kharcha but they seem to be short of cash and can't afford to buy laptops on their own. 

But, no they want everything for free because they are too busy to go to the nearest ATM and withdraw some cash or write a cheque. After all, only common folks pay from their own pockets whereas con artists masquerading as lawmakers get cash from the state to pay for their goodies. 

I guess our lazy bums want our taxpayers to foot all their bills. Maybe, they should also ask for 'Teej Kharcha' for their spouses from the state treasury as well. We have 'Lord Krisha's Birthday' on Sunday. Let's give our CA members a bucket full of curd so that they can celebrate Krishna Asthami. And during Indra Jatra, we should invite all of the buffoons for a 'bhoj' in the middle of Kathmandu Durbar Square. Let them drink, eat and be merry!

Our CA members want laptops and internet access at home at the expense of our taxpayers because they want to google 'constitution writing' and give us a constitution on time.  Maybe they should google 'How to beat procrastination?" instead. So why do our freeloaders need laptops and internet access at home? 

Well, maybe they want to be able to Skype their near and dear ones abroad like the rest of us. But we pay for our laptops and internet access from our own pockets whereas our CA members want to empty our pockets so that can finally learn how to use laptops and use the web to learn the difference between constipation and constitution.

Our lawmakers have decided to donate a day's salary to help the landslide victims. I think it would be better if our lazy bums decided to donate a month's salary to flood victims across the country. But of course, our lawmakers need all the cash they can get because they have to make sure that their kids and grandkids get to live a privileged life. And if they don't amass illegal wealth now, they might not get the opportunity to do so later because voters are easily swayed not by policies and visions but bundle of notes. 

Our ministers and Prime Minister are donating half of their month's salary to the flood and landslide victims. I think our ministers make millions from commissions from contractors. They should be donating millions of Rupees. 

Well, they can't donate from their own pockets because our CIAA wallahs will then want to know where they got the dough and their father-in-laws can't come to their rescue every time by telling us that most of the wealth of our ministers are dowries.

Why not have each ministry contributing a million Rupees to the flood victims fund instead? After all, our ministries spend more than Rs 100 million every year on tea, biskoot and mineral water during many chiya-paan karyakarams and useless meetings.

The government has announced Rs. 40,000 as relief to the family members of the deceased. It's a shame that hardworking, law-abiding citizens get peanuts whereas mundrey gundas who get killed in gang fights are declared martyrs and their families receive a million Rupees as compensation because they are cadres of political parties. 

And as usual, our cops have shown us that they are only good at laathi-charging innocent folks and shooting dead suspicious folks who turn out to be gangsters. And our police are either lucky or all gangsters are drug dealers because those arrested tend to be caught with a few grams of heroin as well. 

Seems like, most of our gangsters carry a pouch of illegal drugs so that they can sell it quickly on the go and buy a ticket to India. So, if you are a gangster then don't leave home without a bag of heroin because not many vendors take American Express.

We have had our one and only 'Forbes-listed' billionaire Binod Dai with his story. Then it was Hari Bansha dai who may not have billions of dollars but sure has made millions of us laugh, who came out with his story. And now, it's our former Army Chief-Saab Rocky Katawal who gets to tell his story. It would be nice if our comrade chairman had written the foreword for the General's book.

Our great Kollywood hero Shree Krisha Dai and Hollywood great Robin Williams are now in heaven. Both Shree Krishna and Williams have taught us how to live our lives fully.  The quote from "Dead Poets Society' sums up how both these greats lived their lives … " carpe diem, seize the day, make your lives extraordinary."

Saturday, August 9, 2014

How to win our hearts and minds?

NaMo came and gave our incompetent clowns a few lessons on how to win the hearts and minds of the Nepali people.  It's a shame that it takes an Indian Prime Minister to tell us what we are capable of and how much resources we have and what we can do with it to make some dough!  

NaMo is a politician and he knows how to play the public.  Our politicians should learn a thing or two from the Desi PM. Once in a while, our clowns should also get out of their gas-guzzling SUVs and shake hands with the public.  

But in this land of shortages, it would be a risky move for our buffoons. We might have a fuel shortage and it would probably piss us all if one of our netas got out of their SUV and wanted to hang out with the common folks who have been in queue for  twelve hours.

How about leaving all the security personnel at home and taking a Micro-Bus or Safa Tyampoo to work? It would be fun to hang out with Sushil Da while he takes the Tyampoo from Baluwatar to Singha Durbar.  Of course, most of us will not be able to hear what he says but just a smile, a nod and a bouncy trip will probably make our day.

Bam Dev should ride a bike around the valley and he could probably solve the mystery behind the police encounter of gangster 'Chari'.  Our police wallahs shot dead Chari a few days ago and the UML mundrey gundas are not happy.  

Even the UML  lawmakers from Dhading district now want the government to punish the police officers behind Chari's death. They even shut down the district to protest the death of a UML cadre who liked to extort, abduct and murder folks.  

Now, let us all expect the late 'Chari' to be declared a martyr and his family should be given a million Rupees from the state treasury as well. 

Most of our mundrey gundas are affiliated to our political parties and they get away with everything. Well, Chari must be unlucky or must have pissed off more people than he could handle. 

Instead of just gunning down gangsters, why not go after their godfathers who have supported them all alon?. Yes, it's time our politician stopped hanging out with mundrey gundas to win election and what not.  

All folks who have had been productive earlier by opening Facebook pages about 'Buddha was born in Nepal' will now have to shut down shop because NaMo has put an end to the controversy by telling us that this is the land of Buddha.  And that is enough to make most of us happy as if we have won the World Cup, a Nobel Peace Prize and an Oscar all at the same time.

So, if we were to follow NaMo's advice then we need to focus on herbal medicine and tourism and then laugh all the way to the bank.  Maybe, instead of selling all the Yarsagumba to Chinese byaparis, we need to process it into some kind of an energy drink and make billions of dollars from the Chinese public instead. 

The Desis don't like the fungus as much as the Dumpling gang but we could sell other herbal stuff to them and cut down the trade deficit.  

I think it's about time everyone opened their homes for tourists so that we can have home-stay program not only in the villages but in the cities as well. After all, if we can get enough guests to pay for the internet, water tanker and electricity then it would work out fine for the city folks. 

And next time, NaMo comes to Nepal, he can save some of his taxpayers money by staying with a local and eating dal, bhat , tarkari. Maybe, we should do that during the SAARC Summit this November. 

All the heads of states of the SAARC countries should be hosted by local families and instead of bullet-proof vehicles and 'Z' security, why not make them shake hands with the public all the way to the Summit venue?

So next time, our PM visits India and gets invited to address their parliament, make sure to speak a few line in Hindi and then give the full speech in Nepali, admiring everything Desi. 

Our PM should begin his speech in the Desi parliament by talking about  how much he loves Sachin, Rajnikanth and Mary Kom. That will help our PM to win the hearts and minds of the Desi folks. 

After all, Sachin is a hero for all Desis and Rajnikanth is a God for the South and Mary is an inspiration for the North-East. And don't forget to leave out the Nepali-speaking Desi population? 

Maybe, mentioning Prashant Tamang will do! NaMo offer us Rs 10,000 crores worth of soft loans. What can we offer? Let's give them 10,000 miniature replicas of our Pashupatnath Temple. And let's hope that we will have 100 million Desi tourists visiting Nepal before NaMo leaves office.