Saturday, November 21, 2015

In Search of a Savior

The festival of lights is over and we all have no choice but to face the darkness that hovers around us. Our government bans firecrackers and imposes 10pm curfew even during the festive seasons. 

I guess such laws don't apply to Dohoris and Dance Bars that operate past midnight as their loud music disturbs the whole neighborhood. Our police chiefs and CDO sahebs only know how to make money from illicit deals. And we can't blame them either because they also need to pay the politicians who offered them lucrative postings. 

Look at the Desi and Dumpling folks. They celebrate their festivals by lighting firecrackers like crazy. Even the Amrikans go wild during their Independence Day. I guess you need to be a superpower or an emerging one to allow your citizens to light firecrackers during festive season. 

Well, we are a 'no' power nation when it comes to everything. We have no clout in the international arena. Our incompetent government seems to have no power to mobilize its security personnel to secure the highways and borders. 

And our dreams of generating 40,000 MW of power and making a killing by selling to the Desis and the Dim Sum wallahs will never materialize until the politicians and bureaucrats of today are long gone.

I think our Madhesi-Tharu politicians want to celebrate '100 days' of bandas while the Oli government wants to stay put and do nothing until their 100 days in power. 

We have to thank our protesters that while they are busy pelting stones and sleeping on no man's land during the day, they are busy filling up gas cylinders and sending it to customers in the valley at night. 

The government should stop publishing daily market prices for vegetables and stuff. Why not have a 'black market' price for cooking gas and fuel instead. The current black market price for a cooking gas cylinder is Rs 8,000 while petrol has come down to Rs 350 per liter from 500 a month ago. 

For 8,000 you will not get a sealed cylinder and a few kg less than the promised weight. But if you pay 10,000 then you are more than likely to get a full seal-packed gas cylinder. 

We all know that our 'No Oil Corporation' (NOC) is involved in the black market. The hakim saheb at NOC is a crook but nobody can touch him. He is where he is because of source force and to get rid off him would mean millions of Rupees less for our politicians who put him there. 

Our gas bottlers are in it as well. Our police personnel, especially those who hang around gas depots and fuel stations during distribution day take their cut. I think the government should just allow anyone to sell fuel and cooking gas. Let hundreds of thousands of our unemployed youth walk to the border everyday and fill up our gas cylinders. 

Our Madhesi-Tharu politicians could also make a killing if they took a 'protection' kharcha from the blackmarketers as well. Everybody makes money while we , the common folks will be the ones who will pay them all so that we can at least survive until all this natak is over. 

But now the question is not when the current crisis will be resolved but how long will our current ruling coalition of chors will last and when will we have the next band of thieves to be mantris and enjoy the freebies from the state?

It's time we all woke up from this nightmare and teach our politicians a thing or two about humanity and compassion. I think it's about time we asked our Pujaris, Monks, Padres, Imams and religious leaders of other faith to come together to give a crash course to our chors on how to be a good human being instead of being slimy corrupt con artists. 

Maybe, our religious leaders can scare our politicians that they will burn in hell if they continue to make millions of Nepalis suffer for their own personal gain. But that might not be enough because it would be like trying to scare the devil by warning him that he will burn in hell. How in the world did we create such monsters who have no sympathy for the suffering of the people?

Our Madhesi-Tharu politicians think that holding millions of people hostage by blocking the borders will give them a few more provinces. Our incompetent government seems to have no one to give them advice on what do that would be in the best interest of the country? Where have all the experts gone? I guess they are all busy trying to figure out how to make more money from the crisis instead of resolving it.

Comrade Biplab told us that he would start his protest programs after Tihar. I guess he is still busy digesting all the food he must have gorged on during Tihar. Let us forget our politicians because we all know that they are good for nothing jackasses. Do we really need someone to lead us? Do we really need one person to be the face of our protest programs? Why can't we all get together and plan something. 

Let us all form a tole-basi protest group. Let's get not the oldest but the youngest one in the neighborhood to lead us. Maybe a recent SLC graduate can be the face of our protest program!. 

Let us invite our Aama Samuha, the usual lazy bums who hang out at local chiya pasal all day talking politics, the gang of junkies and drunks, the local barber, electrician and butcher and of course everyone, even the expat who is here to help Nepal or to help him or herself in the name of Nepal as well. 

Let us engage everyone from our toles to visit the residence of our Madhesi and Tharu politicians who thinks that there is no other way out of this mess except by shutting us all down. 

Let us place a hundred kg garland on our politician's neck. Offer him ladoos and pedas and thank him or her for making sure that we all suffer. Let us play some Bollywood tunes and even invite Manoj Gajurel to be Modi as we dance all day in front of the residence of the Madhesi-Tharu leaders as well as those of politicians of major political parties. 

Let's play a late Deusi at Baluwatar!  What about the Indian Embassy? Leave the Desis alone. We can do a blockade at Lazimpat if India invades Maldives!

Oli and his crew of misfits cannot keep on blaming India. The problem is in our house. We are looking for a savior to bring all our chors together so that our lives will go back to normal instead of worrying about how to get the next cylinder of gas or enough fuel to get to work. 

We want our lives back. If you want to lead then please raise your hand. Just take a step forward and we will follow. We don't care about politics and provinces. We just want Nepali people to be able to buy daily stuff needed to survive. Is that too much to ask for? 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at You may contact him at

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Making History

Let us all stand up and give a round of applause to our honorable Prime Monster KP Oli for making history by inducting 6 deputy Prime Monsters in his cabinet. This is probably the most inclusive cabinet in history of Nepali politics. It's good to have Mandaleys, Madhesi, Maoist and Mundreys and other Morons getting free rides, housing and chiya kharcha. 

Most of our politicians think that's enough as they do not think women, differently-abled and members of  the indigenous and marginalized communities are good enough to be ministers. Well, we have a women President and at least our VP is a man who refused to seek medical treatment abroad even when both of his kidneys were failing. 

The good men and women as usual do not get to be ministers. Those who can loot the state treasury and extort from contractors will get the kurchi. I think it would in the best interest of the country if Oli can also invite our Madhesi and Tharu politicians and make them deputy Prime Monsters as well. Yes, we need to offer some carrots because it seems that our protesters have the sticks.

Instead of being serious and holding meaningful talks with our Madhesi and Tharu politicians to resolve the current crisis, our incompetent government has been busy trying to figure out how to make everyone on the bandwagon happy when it comes to distributing ministerial portfolios.

Why not have a Mumbo Jumbo cabinet and beat the Sri Lankans?  Let us have 40 ministers, 40 state ministers and 40 deputy ministers and have our name in the Guinness World Records. Let us even invite our Kangaroos to be part of the 'looting' game. 

I think it's time Gagan Thapa became a minister. Apart from the 'I support (late) Ghaite' fiasco, he seems to be quite ready to be a mantri. It seems that he is destined to be a minister but we don't know when. It will probably happen at the same time when Prince 'Big Ears' becomes the King of England. But then Charles might just get off the train station and let his son be the King. 

If only Gyanu Uncle and his yes-men had learned a thing or two from the British Monarchy then he would still be hanging out at Narayanhiti. Hope Gagan gets to be a mantri some day but please don't go around supporting mundreys just because of your in-laws.

I think Oli should visit the Sri Lankan Embassy and ask the ambassador for some tips when it comes to the cabinet enlargement formula. Do not meet up with the Desi ambassador. He will only ask for fuel from No Oil Corporation (NOC). 

If you must meet him for chiya guff  then offer him a bottle of laxatives so that he can send it to Delhi and our Modi Bhai can take a sip and hopefully clear the current blockade. Modi has both the carrots and the sticks to make sure our Madhesi netas pack up and leave the no man's land.

Poor Kangaroos! They are left with nothing so they do want their own con artist to be the CEO of our National Reconstruction Authority (NRA). Why find ways to siphon off billions of Rupees when you can do so in dollars? 

Our politicians seem to forget that we were hit by the Big One and his little brother six months ago. Hundreds of thousands of our people are still forced to live in tents and tarps instead of proper housing. The monsoon came and went and the winter is here. Our incompetent government and civil servants seem to have no empathy at all. Our buffoons don't have any common sense either.

And for the past few months, we have been suffering from shortages of everything thanks to our great Madhesi and Tharu protestors with a little help from friends from across the border. Dashain was bland and so will be Tihar. But let us all celebrate Chhath like the world will end tomorrow because it might. 

Well, Russia wants to play some futsal in Syria. The Amrikans want to have some fun as well and before we know it we might have a World War III. The Chinese want to see how far their missiles can reach and before we know it, Lil' Kim wants to play some ping pong in Seoul and there we have it, the beginning of the end. 

No, I am not trying to scare anyone as if I have the power to do so.  But at least, we will have something more to talk about in chiya pasals as we bitch about the current crisis, call our politicians name and be a poet warrior by trying to rhyme everything with Modi and talk about how some French guy predicted that World War III will start from the Middle East. 

If it doesn't then we have no choice but to make sure that we keep ourselves warm this winter and have enough wood to enjoy the bonfire. 

I think folks in the valley should show our Madhesi netas that we support the Madhesi and Tharu folks but not the pickpockets who have enjoyed their 'looting spree' as government ministers earlier. 

Let us celebrate Chhatt like never before. Rajendra Mahato and his fellow hatemonger can take a hike. Our incompetent government, politicians and civil servants should join them as well. I think our Indian Embassy can offer all of them an all-India tour package that would last a decade. 

After all, it seems that most of the near and dear ones of our politicians and civil servants seem to be attending colleges in India on scholarship with great help from the Indian Embassy. Why can't the Indian Embassy come up with a gift hamper for all of our crooked clowns as well? 

Well, the only folks who seem to be creating obstacles when it comes to generating thousands of MW of electricity in this land seem to be our politicians and civil servants? If only our netas and hakim sahebs were smart then they would be allowing the Dumpling and Dosa gang to start a hydropower race on who will build more hydropower plants in our land?  

It seems that there is nothing wrong when public or private land can be leased out for thirty years to shopping complex developers whereas we can't do the same for our hydropower projects? That would be better than trying to sell the whole country to the highest bidder!

Why do we need a government and bureaucrats when they can't even fulfill our basic needs? We are left to fend for ourselves and we seem to be okay with that. Why do we have to pay taxes only to feed our civil servants and fund the luxurious lives of our politicians? 

I think it's about time we just stood still and come to our senses. It's time to take a stand. Should we just let our politicians enjoy the good life while we face shortages of everything? Or should we stand up and make sure that these crooks don't get to roll over us again and again while we slowly starve to death? 

At least comrade Biplab is waiting for Tihar to end so that he and his crew can begin their shutdown programs to protest against the shutdown by our folks in the plains. What an idea, Sirji!

Dear comrade, if you really feel for the people, then get all the trucks, go to the border and bring us some fuel and cooking gas so that we can at least visit our brothers and sisters during Bhai Tika and add on some calories this Tihar. And we can burn our calories later when we join your protest programs.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at You may contact him at