Saturday, April 1, 2017

GPS for our Parasites!




Our Department of Tourism plans to track climbers with a GPS device this season so that those who tell us that they have climbed Everest are not faking it. 

Yes, we had a bideshi couple who nearly fooled us last year with their conquest of Everest but they should have asked a Photoshop expert to do it right but they failed and have been barred for climbing our mountains anytime soon.  Yes, it's not easy to climb Everest or even other peaks in our land. 

But our Crown Prince did it and even managed to elope with the other comrade's wife.  Our Kollywood actress even climbed Everest. It may sound easy as if it's like hiking to Shivapuri or Pulchowki but it's not unless you get a very experienced Sherpa guide who will literally walk you to Everest and back. 

But of course our Sherpa brothers and sisters don't get all the credit and risk their lives for a few thousand dollars while our trekking agencies and bideshi expedition wallahs make most of the dough!

The GPS device will also help to track climbers who go missing or are involved in any accidents up there. I think that would really help our rescue teams when searching for our stranded climbers. 

But let’s hope that our sarkari hakims won't be buying cheap GPS devices that don't work at all or will stop working in less than a year. 

After all our corrupt government tends to buy the cheapest product around, take tons of commission from the vendors and then stop using it after it breaks down. Look at our Traffic Police! The breathalyzers don't work anymore and they have gone back to almost French-kissing the potential MaPaSe candidates.

I think that's a great idea and it's about time we had such GPS devices for our politicians as well. We really need to track our parasites so that we all know where they are going, whom do they meet and if they go missing, we can at least track them and bring them back to the House when it's time to vote for the amendments to our constitution. 

Our parasites love to visit foreign lands and if they can't then visit foreign embassies in town and have lunch or chiya with our bideshi ambassadors. It seems that the foreign envoys seem to have more power in this land than in other countries. We have a new Desi Ambassador in town.  

Let us hope he will invite our politicians for Tandoori Chicken and Whiskey and maybe even organize a 'Bhangra Nite' for our low-life loafers. Yes, only bideshis can help us to help our politicians to loosen up, be themselves and help each other to move this country forward. And our parasites only listen to the bideshis because that's where the dough is. 

We all know that most of our politicians and civil servants get special chiya kharcha from our bideshi embassies. Some favor Masala Dosa while others choose Dumplings and some of our politicians prefer pancakes from the Amriki Embassy while the rest want baked beans from the British or other cakes from Scandinavian countries.

The local election fever is slowly heating up. Some of our cynics tell us that there won't be any local elections. Some of our experts tell us that our incompetent government has no choice but to go forward with it and maybe carry out in phases so that our security wallahs do have the adequate resources and time to take care of our volatile regions. 

And it seems that ours is the only country where we have factions within the factions in our political parties. And instead of being united and fighting the election against their opponents, they would rather fight among themselves. 

Only one person will get the ticket from a political party to stand up for election to be our Mayor or Ward Chairperson but there will be a dozen candidates vying for that ticket. And the rest who will not get the ticket will be pissed off and will do everything possible to make sure that the person from their own party loses the election. 

Our political games are not about how to do good for this country. It's only about their big ego and our politicians work hard to prevent this country from moving forward because they don't get the ministry or don't get to be number two in the government or don't get any chiya kharcha from the so-called top leaders. 

We don't know what works for our politicians. Ram Dev Baba and his breathing techniques have not helped at all. Sri Sri Sri Ravi Shankar visits our land every now and then but our politicians have yet to learn any of his 'good life' techniques either. 

And it won't help even if we invite any Buddhist, Christian, Muslim or Jain religious leader to visit our land and preach to our parasites. These buffoons will never change. It's about time our bideshi envoys stopped providing them cash or scholarships to their children or any other support to inflate their ego!

And let us hope that our local elections will be carried out successfully and we must all make sure that we go out there and vote. And it's about time, we stopped electing he same bunch of thieves. 

I think it's about time to vote for an independent candidate who doesn't have any money or muscles and no backing from any of our major mundrey parties. We must show our parasites that we are no longer fools and we won't be taken for granted as always. 


Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Our Emperor goes to China!




Our Emperor is now in China, hoping to enjoy some dumplings while he is on a week-long vacation. I think our so-called leaders only want to join politics because they can take a foreign trip now and then, and waste our taxpayers' money while hanging out with bideshis which rarely brings any benefit to the nation.

Last year, our national comedian KP Oli was in China for a week where he signed a 10-point deal. A year later, our magician is back in the mainland to curry favor with the Chinese. Hope he has brought some gifts from back home to impress them!

The Chinese must be tired of having to deal with a new Prime Monster every other year. Our incompetent government tells us that we won't be signing any new deals with China this time. Our Emperor will be in the land of the Last Emperor to clear misunderstanding with our chimeki and work to implement the past agreements instead.

Our government has failed to make any progress on the agreements signed last year and our Emperor tells us that he will use his magic tricks to create a 'trustworthy environment' with the Chinese. 

Will our Emperor perform in a Chinese Opera? Or will he take the Chinese leaders out on a night of drinks and Karaoke and sign songs in Mandarin and impress the comrades there?

So how will our Emperor clear the misunderstandings between our two nations? We don't know but he and his spouse should first take a crash course on diplomatic protocol and etiquette to at least show the Chinese that we do have style and know how to carry ourselves in foreign lands.

Where are our Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MoFA) folks? Instead of talking with former Prime Monsters, ministers and other so-called experts, our Prime Monster should have spent a day at the MoFA and learn some tips and tricks to flatter the Chinese.

The Chinese communist leaders all tend to wear black suit, white shirt and dye their hair black. And no, we have yet to see any comrades wearing the 'Mao' suit these days. 

So, even if our Emperor is a Maoist, the Chinese really don't care. Mao is still the great leader there but the Chinese Communist Party has moved on. Maybe, our Emperor should just drop the 'Mao' tag and call himself a 'Chinese Communist' and could win some brownie points from our chimeki!

Our Emperor should have purchased at least a few black suits, dyed his hair and moustache pitch black before heading to China. Our Foreign Ministry wallahs should also have taught a few lines of Mandarin to our Emperor. 

At least, when meeting China's top leaders, he could blurt out some memorized lines in Mandarin like 'I am glad to be here' and 'Please give me some dough to win elections so that I can pay back the favor in the future' or just plain 'hello'!

We should also kindly request Sita Auntie not to paltey-kushing on a sofa when meeting world leaders unless you are teaching the other head of state some yoga techniques. And to always smile for the camera and nod your head in agreement when someone is speaking to you even though you have no idea what the other person is saying. 

And when it comes to handshakes, our Emperor should not go for the 'Trump' style where you grab the other person's hand and suddenly pull him or her towards you as if you are saving someone from drowning. 

Our Emperor's handshake is a little different. He grabs the other person's hand and starts shaking it vigorously without letting to go for quite some time. That’s not right either, unless it's your old friend from Rampur Campus and he owes you the Two Rupees you lent him back in the day. 

Just shake Xi's hand firmly, look him in the eye, smile,tell him that you want to kiss his ass so that you can get some funds for your party and let go.

Our Emperor will fit pretty well in China. The Chinese love banquets and drinking and our Emperor should enjoy a bottle of Baijiu in one go. He should also bring home a bottle or two and place it in his collection along with other bideshi raksis!  

Yes, our man needs a break and why not waste our taxpayers money by visiting a foreign land while ignoring the tasks at hand at home? 

We hear that he will meet with the Chinese Emperor Xi for less than 15 minutes. Well, we all get our 15 minutes of fame, don't we?  What will our Emperor do to impress Xi in quarter of an hour? Nothing. Xi will tell through his interpreter that China wants peace, progress and development. Our Emperor will nod his head and tell Xi that all is well is in our land. 

But our chimekis know better. Instead of peace, our politicians are sharing a piece of the loot among themselves. Instead of progress, we are moving backwards and let us not be surprised if we go back to the 24 kingdoms in a decade or two. And let us not even talk about development. We buy electricity from India. We spend more than Rs 13 in imports for each Rupee we export. 

Our incompetent government can't even work out with the Chinese to open our borders. We don't even let our own folks develop our hydropower sector. Our politicians and bureaucrats have bled this country dry. When will we all come together and stop the bleeding?

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com