Sunday, August 31, 2014

Fasting for Good Health

Goddess Parbati fasted and wished for Lord Shiva as her hubby.  Her dreams came true. But we are humans and most of us are not that lucky. And we really don't have all the free time as our Gods and Goddesses. 

Looking at the present state of our country's affairs, even the Gods must be ignoring us and have left us with only demons to deal with, who seem to have no empathy for the needy. 

Married women fast on Teej so that their husbands can live till 80 whereas unmarried woman fast so that they can get their 'dream' husband.  If fasting could lead to bagging the man of your dreams then many Nepali women would have been married to either Bollywood or Hollywood celebrities by now. 

We should also learn to fall in love with our Nepali celebrities instead of only lusting after Bidhesis. Rajesh Hamal is already taken and there was probably be a little less fasting for him this year. 

Instead of fasting for beer-bellied husbands, our Teej-celebrating women should take them to the gym.  You can't just expect your hubbies to live longer even if he continues to smoke, drink and eat everything fried.  

Make him do at least 50 push-ups in two minutes every day. Don't expect him to have a six-pack abs in six months and don't make him wear outfits fit for twenty-year olds when he is already forty-two. 

You can still be healthy without the abs and the 'young' outfits may look great on them Bollywood heroes but in real-life, a thirty-year-old in tights is okay if you are a Nepali rock-star but if you are not then, one should be wear baggy pants and bigger t-shirts to hide one's belly. 

And for unmarried women, if you are one day hoping to have a great husband then don't accept Facebook friend requests from a friend of a friend. A friend is okay but his friends will be more creepier than you thought.

If you want to live longer then you will need to exercise, quit smoking and drink in moderation.  But if you are a politician in this land of ours then you do not need to follow the "longevity" formula because we, the taxpayers are here to fund your luxurious lifestyle and medical treatment abroad.

Our political parties host tea parties during Dashain and waste millions of Rupees extorted from fake VAT-bill byaparis, contractors and con artists. Why don't our buffoons organize 'Teej' parties instead?   

All of our useless political parties have women organizations and why are our women leaders not interested to host a dance party for our ladies once a year?

Once for a change, it would be nice to see our corrupt politicians fasting and serving seven-course meals to women invitees.  Let the women dance and our freeloaders can do the dishes and clean up the venue after the event.

Our political parties could have hosted 'Teej' events and send their women cadres to the flood and landslide-affected districts to help the victims and their families. But our politicians are only interested to get more dough from the state treasury so that they can pay their own bills. 

In times of such natural disasters, our government and civil servants are busy forming committees to study how to help the needy next year instead of carrying our relief works now.

Every year, millions of Rupees are spent on making new music videos and releasing 'too hot to handle' Teej songs. The only folks who seem to be making the dough are music studios, music video directors, party palaces, the saaris and kurtawalahs and our beauty parlor didis. 

Many women don't even drink a drop of water during fasting.  Now, that's very wrong. Not taking anything solids for a day is okay. After all, your body needs some rest once in a while but no liquids will only make you dehydrated and after all that dancing is over, your head will spin and your knees will buckle and you will need bed rest for a few days. 

Then, your husband will probably will lose ten pounds because no one is there for him to cook a great meal and the only thing he knows is how to make Wai Wai, that too dry only with chuira, masala, onions and tomatoes . 

So, if you want their husbands to live longer then teach him how to cook. And one day, he can be a great chef and could come in handy if both of you decide to go abroad. Open a Nepali restaurant, the hubby can cook and the Mrs can organize a Teej festival.

Let’s hope that next Teej, our women will not buy new saris or kurtas and won’t spend a month of their savings in threading and making up their hair and what not. Let's save the money for a vacation in the winter. Yes, we need to promote domestic tourism instead of eating Pad Thai only.

What this country needs now is not women dancing and fasting for their husbands and future husbands' longevity but women who can lead and kick our bunch of useless men out from politics so that we can have mothers, sisters and wives leading us to prosperity instead of ruin.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Dividers, not Uniters

Our Emperor is not happy with General Rocky Katwal's memoir.  After all, if our comrade chairman had not resigned for not being able to sack Katawal back in the day then maybe we could have had a constitution by now and we would not be wasting billions of Rupees feeding our CA members for the second time. 
Katawal claims that he could have been having a good time attending Fashion Week parties in New York City if he had followed the Emperor's advice of quitting and becoming an Ambassador to the UN. 

If he had chosen France, then he would have been invited to wine tasting parties every other week. But the General decided to stay put and not be tempted by such offers and here we are, with a memoir and lot of cursing from the comrades.

Our Emperor claims Rocky was influenced by 'external forces'.  But as usual, like all other politicians, he too refuses to reveal who these external forces are.  

Our politicians and civil servants are all influenced by bideshis.   The blue-plated vehicle wallahs can park their cars anywhere they want and get away with it.  It's a shame that we, the common folks are treated as second-class citizens in our own land whereas the bideshi donor-wallahs get the VIP treatment. 

Bideshi Ambassdors can directly meet with our politicians and civil servants and tell them what to do.  Let's hope that one day our Ambassador to the US will get to meet Amriki politicians and tell them what to do. Maybe, our ambassador can one day influence the US Presidential election. 

Well, that can happen maybe in a Hollywood movie someday but our netas will be continued to bossed around by external forces for many more years to come. 

We had expected our Emperor to be a Mandela who would unite us all but like others who had come before him,  he got caught up with making his near and dear ones happy instead of working for the people.  

Our clowns only talk about the past and not the future because they themselves are not sure where they will be in the next four years. 

Our CA members are wasting billions whereas our flood and landslide victims across the country have yet to receive relief materials. Our incompetent government has once again showed us that they can get things done only when a VVIP comes to town but for common folks, everything moves in a slow motion.  

Thousands of folks in the mid-western region have been displaced by the floods and landslides but our Prime Monster is busy shaking hands with those who donate to the Prime Minister's Fund to help the victims. 

You can also get to meet our PM if you donate at least Rs 50,000. It's funny that some of our media tycoons who haven't paid their employees for the past year have been donating a Lakh to the PM's Disaster Relief Fund.  It's a good thing to contribute to charity but at least pay your staff first. 

The West is being rocked by the Ice Bucket Challenge and we already have Bill Gates to George Bush doing their bit to raise awareness and funds for ALS.  

But we are short of water and instead of being dumped with a bucket of ice water, our celebrities, civil servants, contractors and CA Clowns should take a dip in the swollen rivers across the country and help to distribute relief materials to the victims as soon as possible. 

I think our CDO sahebs in the affected districts should be spanked for not allowing many local charities and social organizations to distribute relief materials on their own.  

The District Administration Offices in the affected areas plan to distribute relief materials and help the victims only after they collect concrete data  of the losses. And our CDO sahebs want the relief materials distributed from a single source so that they can separate the stuff that can be distributed to the victims and ones that can be kept for themselves.

Our Home Minister is busy visiting the CDOs in the affected districts and spending taxpayers money on his chopper rides but he does not have time to visit the victims and their families.  

Our incompetent government can clear all road dividers in the capital in a day so that Modi and his entourage can speed their way around the citywithout any obstruction. But the government is not interested to help the citizens who have lost their families and homes to the floods and the landslides. 

This is the time when we should all unite and do our bit to help the landslide and flood victims across the country. Our politicians should stop blaming each other and our civil servants should stop slacking off.  Our political parties have hundreds of thousands of cadres doing nothing but hanging out at local chiya pasals and reading tabloids. 

Maybe, they should take some training on rescue and relief operation and help in times of natural disaster instead of only burning tyres and hurling stones at each other. If our hooligans knew how to make the used tyres into rafts then it would come in handy during the monsoon floods.