Saturday, June 28, 2014

Fifty or Thrifty?

More than half of our CA members want the incompetent government to give them Rs 50 million each so that they can pay their mundrey gundas, cadres and cousins. After all, elections are mighty expensive and most of our elected CA idiots have won by buying votes with bundle of notes.  

And if you are not a minister then you are less likely to make enough dough to cover your election bills.  

If you don't keep your mundrey gundas happy then they will change sides and help your opponent to win next time around.  After all money and muscles go hand in hand.  

If you have the money then you can buy the muscles and hope that the hired goons will help to scare the voters into voting for you.  If that doesn't work then you will need to buy pigs and chickens or even laptops and bikes to get more votes.

If you don’t keep your cadres happy then they will burn tyres and stop you from campaigning in the district.  Most of our cadres are in it for the moolah. Either they want a government job or enough cash to at least survive until the next election. 

If the cadres are not happy then they will support your rival in the party and he or she gets the ticket next time around.

If you don't keep your cousins happy then they will rant against you at family gatherings and will spill your dirty little secrets to the media to bring you down.  

The media will probably write about how you began stealing cucumbers and chickens from your neighbors at the tender age of five and ended up stealing millions from the state treasury at fifty. But that won't make much difference in this land of ours.  

Our netas do not have any morals and they are proud to go to jail on corruption charges. And when they are freed, their cadres welcome the chor as if he just came back from Norway with the Nobel Prize.

Our lawmakers are not happy with the a million Rupees they have been receiving for their constituencies.  A million Rupees nowadays is like chump change. It isn’t enough to make everyone happy.  

After all, our netas do promise their cadres the moon or a tola of soon (gold) but at the end, they get maybe a kilo of lasoon (garlic). 

Some of our idiots have even threatened to halt the budget proceedings in the House if their demand to be Karod-patis is not met.  347 CA members have even submitted a memorandum to our Finance Minister, Ramu Dai. 

I think these idiots seem to forget that we are one of the poorest countries in the world. We do not have oil like the Shiekhs. We do have water and we are still waiting for the day when we will generate 40,000 MW of electricity and the country makes billions of dollars.  

Maybe, then we will all get free electricity and our lawmakers will get billions of Rupees to carry out development projects in their constituencies.

We all know that even the million Rupees goes to the CA member's pocket instead of the poor.  And if our cash-strapped government doles out Rs 50 million each then we will probably see a few hundred new homes in the capital this year. 

If our idiots really want the funds for development activities then they should come up with a concrete plan on how they want to use the money.  

If they can be transparent and held accountable if they misuse the funds then maybe it's okay but our political parties are the least transparent organization in the country and  we have yet to see our netas  - except for a few unlucky ones  - go to prison for abusing power and amassing illegal wealth.

Our CA idiots should focus on writing the constitution first instead of trying to figure out ways to make quick buck at the expense of our taxpayers. This is the time to be thrifty and our idiots should show us that they are not living in a bubble by riding in luxury vehicles and wasting taxpayers money on their security and what not.  

Come ride in a Microbus with us. Have some milk tea at the local chiya pasal. Be one of us instead of trying to rule us like Mini-Maharajas.

Our Prime Minister, Sushil Da is still in New York. Now, the Amriki doctors have advised radiotherapy for his early-stage lung cancer and it might be many months before he gets back to the country.  Let's all wish him well. 

Bambo is our acting Prime Monster.  I think it's time somebody created an internet meme of Bambo and his high-jump skills. And our Nepal Police should focus on real crimes instead of spending all their time, reading our Facebook statuses. 

We live in a Republic and not a police state. We have the right to freely express our opinions without threat of imprisonment. 

Well, we can't be going online and threatening to shoot the other guy but next time you want to rant against our hardworking politicians, competent public servants and honest police wallahs then be sarcastic not serious.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

SAARC Summit

Our incompetent government wants to spend Rs 350 million to purchase 7 armored bulletproof luxury vehicles for our chimeki leaders for the SAARC Summit on November 14.  And then we need another 30 or so vehicles for their spouses and other high-ranking officials as well.

By the time the summit is over, we would probably spend at least a billion Rupees so that the leaders of the SAARC nations can come together to share a plate of momo and sekuwa in Kathmandu. And their spouses can visit our temples, stupas and Durbar squares as well.

NaMo is a vegetarian and he likes to bring his own cook. That will probably save us some money. And his foreign policy advisors should remind him that we do not have a monarchy anymore. Let's hope that he won't confuse Nepal with Bhutan and then thank Gyanu Uncle for hosting the summit.

The Finance Ministry wants Mercedes-Benz for the foreign leaders while the Foreign Ministry favors BMW. Well, at least both ministries seem to like German vehicles.  

Instead of paying for it, why not ask Angela Merkel to give us some Freebies? After all, our government doesn't mind begging for vehicles for our elections and what not from India.  So, why can't we beg for a few more vehicles from Germany this time around?

I think Sushil Da should wear a Germany T-shirt and take a Selfie while he seeks medical treatment in New York. That could win the hearts and the minds of the German people and they could start a campaign to pressure their government to give us the vehicles. And we could send them seven Thankas to thank for the gifts as well. 

And if we can't have any freebies then let's just stick with rickshaws so that our SAARC leaders can enjoy their ride from the airport to their hotels. And our government can do us all a favor by shutting down all the streets in the capital so that we can stay home and watch the same old SAARC natak on TV. 

Just have our security personnel on the streets and there won't be any need for any bullet-proof armored vehicles either.  I think the best way to make the headlines around the world would be to have the SAARC leaders ride on elephants. 

And we can name the elephants after the leaders and have them sponsor luxury retirement for the elephants after the summit is over. 'NaMo' the elephant would probably be the luckiest of them all because the Desis have more funds than the rest of us.

Instead of hosting such good for nothing events costing us billions of Rupees, why not organize a SAARC dance festival instead and the winning country gets 100 million Rupees?  

It could be a seven-day festival where each country gets to showcase their local dances for a day at our National Stadium. And TV viewers in the SAARC region can vote for their favorite dancers.  

After everyone has finished showing their dance moves, we will then tally the votes and declare the winner. 

We could probably sell the TV rights to one of those Desi channels and make tens of billion Rupees as the viewership would be over a billion people. We could make a billion Rupees from SMSes alone.  

I think our government should focus on organizing events for the people and think of making some dough out of it instead of wasting our taxpayers money to entertain the SAARC leaders.

Our government should focus on writing the constitution instead of finding ways to earn chiya kharcha by buying luxury vehicles for such events. What will we do with luxury vehicles after the summit is over? 

Maybe, we should just give them to our President so that he can drive around the capital in a different bullet-proof armored luxury vehicle every day.  

After all, if the vehicles are not used regularly then it will just be a rusty, weed garden in a few years like many of the other vehicles purchased by our governments earlier. 

The World Cup fever is still going strong and we are all sad that Spain is not going to the second round.  Maybe, they just got lazy and were over-confident but all good things come to an end. 

They had a good run winning two Euro Championship and one World Cup but it’s the end of an era and time for the Germans and the Flying Dutchman to show us their skills. 

But this time around, the so-called weaklings have shown courage and are not scared of the giants. That is how you play football. You need to have the hunger to win games and even if you lose then give everything you got and win some respect. 

I guess Spain was not hungry and they thought their tiki-taka was better than the rest but the other teams showed the Spaniards that it is on its final tick-tock instead!

England is also out of the World Cup and it's time the English learn to play football again. The last time they won it was back at home in 1966. I think they will probably win it again in 2066 if they get to host the tournament. 

Until then, let's support Germany and get free luxury vehicles for our SAARC leaders this November.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

World Cup Fever

The World Cup is here and don’t be surprised if the level of productivity in this land of ours goes down significantly in the next four weeks. 

Well, most of our civil servants have been slacking off for ages while getting their perks and salaries hiked every two years but now it’s the so-called corporate houses and other private offices that will also witness an increase in the slack-o-meter this month.

We can understand the Brazilians and the English slacking off during the World Cup but we seem to be more engrossed in World Cup action even though we are not playing. 

Our employers will now have to tolerate red-eyed employees dozing off in the afternoon. But our politicians and civil servants will get a break since most of us will be talking about football instead of politics for a month.

You can visit the local chiya pasals in the morning and there will probably be a fan of Argentina arguing with a fan of Brazil on why Messi is the best and Neymar comes nowhere close. 

A fan of England will be rooting for the team even though most of us know that they will probably crash out in the second round or the quarterfinals. And if it comes to the penalty shoot out then English fans will probably shut down the TV because they already know how it’s going to end up.

Everybody is under pressure. No, I am not taking about our netas who need to give us a constitution in less than a year but the teams that are playing in the World Cup. 

Brazil is the host country and if they don’t win then the protestors who are not happy with the billions of dollars being wasted to host the games will probably burn down the stadiums. 

If Argentina doesn’t win then Messi will never be the greatest football player on Earth and Diego Maradona will continue to be remembered as we remember Junga Bahadur instead of Juddha Shumsher. 

Yes, Jungey is long gone but he keeps staring at us from Bhadrakali and let’s thank Juddha for our national Zoo.

If Spain fails to defend their title then they should discard ‘tiki-taka’ and find some other formula to win the game. Instead of passing the ball around forever, maybe they can come up with a ‘Siesta’ where they doze off in the middle of the game, wake up with full energy and pass the ball to Iniesta so that he can score the winning goal again.

Germany will also be under the pressure to win because it’s been 24 years since they last lifted the Cup and although they have managed to reach one final and two-semifinals in the past three world cups, they still don’t have enough blitzkrieg to win the Cup. 

Our government wallahs have come up with various measures to make sure that our restaurant byaparis do no make any dough this World Cup. If you want to screen the games in your restaurant they you have to seek permission from the CDO Saheb. 

The police will then send a team for a field visit where they will try all the dishes and alcoholic drinks to make sure that the quality of the food and drinks are good enough for all patrons. 

And then you will have to have CCTV cameras, enough security guards and a generator for back-up and the final nail in the coffin would be , you can’t sell any booze after midnight. So, go for ice-lemon tea or if it rains like crazy, then soup momo at 3 in the morning could work as well.

I think our political cadres won’t have to shut down the country if we do play in the World Cup someday. The country will shut itself down for a month then. 

But if we really want to go to the World Cup then we must have a leader heading ANFA who will use the funds to develop the sport instead of pocketing Karods of Rupees as “note for vote” kharcha from some Qatari. 

Ganesh Thapa has done quite a lot to enrich himself and his cronies. Thapa has managed to throw a few crumbs to district associations to keep them happy but it’s not enough. 

And it’s not only Thapa but almost all those heading our sports associations in the country, are making money while our athletes don’t have even enough to buy a decent track suit. 

Let’s hope that Bimal Bhai and other young lads will be playing in the World Cup in 2022. That could be wishful thinking because we still don’t have the infrastructure and funds to develop the the talent that we have.  

Maybe, we will have a World Cup team when Bimal Bhai becomes a Dai and is the coach of the national team in 2034. 

I think we can pull it off in the next twenty years. By then, we will probably have 40,000 MW of electricity and our government will be rich enough to spend at least 20 billion dollars to host the tournament itself. 

And the host nation receives an automatic berth so that could be the only way we get to play in the World Cup in the future. 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Rambo vs Bambo

SSP Ramesh Kharel aka Rambo has decided to go on a month-long leave because he wants to spend some quality time with his family. Yes, even super heroes need a break or else they will go crazy and start speaking the truth in public and embarrassing their seniors and corrupt politicians.

I think it is a win-win situation for both our Rambo and our Home Mini-Sinister Bam Dev Baba, aka Bambo. The Election Commission has directed our government not to transfer Rambo until the by-elections is over but Rambo's holiday plans will at least help Bambo save face among his cadres. 

And Rambo will be getting away without any blot on his record. That means, his chances of heading the police force someday are still favorable.

Yes, Rambo did violate the chain of command but if he was just another police officer then he would have been demoted and transferred to a remote district. 

Rambo is a celebrity and that's what really pissed off Bambo.  If our Home Mini-Sinister wants to be a celebrity then he should be using the Zebra-crossings and overhead bridges instead of showing us his high-jump skills in the middle of Ratnapark.

Rambo  wants to be our IGP someday and send all mundrey gundas  to the slammer. And Bambo wants to be our Prime Monster someday and make our roads a paradise for jaywalkers.  But let us all hope that both of them will not be at the top at the same time or else we will see the same kind of 'war of the words' between the two. 

It would have been nice if a traffic cop had stopped Bambo and made him stand in the middle of the street for an hour while enlightening him about our country's traffic rules. 

But of course, our cops do not have the courage to stand up to the con-artists who are masquerading as leaders. After all, one cannot be an Ali Baba and fight the thieves in this land of ours.

We need more traffic cops on the street but Nepal Police seem to have neither the funds nor the human resources to keep up with the growing vehicle population in the capital. We should be at least thankful in some ways to the cows and calves who have volunteered to control traffic without any perks. 

Maybe, we should paint them blue and give them a cap as well. If it weren’t for our holy cows and calves, we would have had many speeding accidents in the capital.

The dress changed from the 'bora' color to blue but the way our cops act, think and speak have not changed since the Panchayati days.  Our clowns have turned Nepal Police into a private security firm to extort, abduct and torture the common folks. 

Nepal Police has a 30-year service rule that forces many competent cops into retirement.  If Nepal Army had such rules then we would probably be having a new Army Chief every six months.  

And  how can we expect our senior police officers to work without any political interference and be free of corruption when they are forced to pay big bucks to the mantri's personal assistant for promotion?

It's about time the government scrapped the 30-year-service rule and change the age of retirement from 58 to at least 60. We are losing many experienced and competent civil servants and this only helps our netas who can make money from recruitment, promotion and transfers of civil servants.

What Rambo said is true but maybe, he should have send his officers to video-tape the deals made by senior police officials with the mantri's assistants and posted it on YouTube.  Then, Bambo would have to either resign or keep on jaywalking all over Kathmandu. 

After all, our netas don’t resign on moral grounds because they have no morals. They believe that since they spent so many years in poverty, doing nothing but giving speeches, they should now be allowed to amass as much wealth as possible when in power.

We have 8 AIGs who really don't have much to do. Then we have more than 32 DIGs who are now heading departments that were headed by SPs a decade ago.  By 2020, don't be surprised if you see a DIG heading a police beat in the city because our netas will not stop meddling and minting money by extorting our cops.

Our netas should follow the law of the land.  If they are found violating the law then they should at least pay the fine and spend a few hours in jail, drinking tea so that we would at least think the law was equal for everyone. But, our clowns have turned into the new 'Shree Tin' Sarkars. They have become our mini-Maharajas. 

Rambo should take a holiday with his family. Visit Malaysia because the Thais are not sure what to make of the military rule while Singapore is a little expensive. I think he should visit the rainforest in Malaysia with his family and see the Chimps because they are much smarter than our corrupt clowns.