Saturday, February 23, 2013

To be or not to be ....

While most of us are worried about rising chicken and mutton prices, our honorable Chief Justice Khil Raj Regmi has much bigger things to worry about.  

Regmi has been offered the most stressful job in the country. No, he’s not been asked to don a traffic police uniform and spend hours blowing whistle in the middle of the city.  He has been offered the job of the head captain in a classroom full of juvenile delinquents. After all, that’s how our clowns have been acting for the past six years.

Our four major circus companies want him to lead the new government with eleven buffoons.  But the man from Palpa is in a dilemma on whether to move to Baluwatar and be made a scapegoat or just stick with his current job and retire gracefully.

It’s already been close to nine months since the dissolution of the Constituent Assembly and our clowns have yet to agree on anything. But now, our Emperor seems to have promised the other clowns much more to join the new bandwagon.  

Even if Regmi gets the top kurchi, our political parties will take another six months to figure out who gets to join the team.

Our con artists are more interested to bag a ministry or two and make some dough so that they will have enough to provide chiya kharcha to their cadres. After all, cold hard cash can do wonders during elections.

If Regmi takes the job then he has an almost impossible task ahead of him.  He will have to accomplish what our clowns have failed to do for the past nine months.  He will probably have a hard time getting things ready to hold the new Constituent Assembly elections by June.  But of course, our clowns have promised him at least one extension.

Maybe our freeloaders should be sent to some kind of a rehab program to get rid of their addiction to extensions. Why not just conduct the election a few weeks before Dashain instead? 

The weather will be much better then and we won’t have to worry about standing in line in a hot June day. But of course, our clowns are not worried about how we will be dehydrated and suffer from sun stroke.

If the new interim government conducts them elections by June then let us hope they will at least provide us a cap or an umbrella. And like for everything else, we can ask the bideshi donors to fund the ‘please vote and get a free umbrella’ campaign. It will also help us in the monsoon season.

But all of us except our clowns are certain that the new CA elections will not be held in June. So let us just give Regmi at least six months to get things ready for the elections. 

And our political parties will also have enough time to conduct their voluntary donation campaigns for their election expenses.  Our clowns can win the hearts and minds of eligible voters by distributing goats to each household.  Goat prices are outrageous during the festive season and at least our political parties can provide us some relief.

After all, that is how you win elections in most parts of the country. The speeches have always been the same. Blame the other guy for all the problems. Come up with silly plans to invade India or turn the country into Switzerland or Singapore within ten years.  So far none of the promises have come true.

But of course, who really cares about the people. It has always been the same natak….. when they get to power, our clowns use the state to suppress the people instead.

If Regmi turns down the job, then our clowns will have to find another person to lead the new government.   It’s not easy to be the Prime Monster in this land of ours.   

Just ask Dr. Saheb….  he has so many con artists in his cabinet that even the Devil himself would not have approved.  The Occupy Baluwatar wallahs have been trying their best to open the eyes of our smarty pant but he doesn’t seem to care about the growing violence against women in this country.

Maybe the windows of the PM’s vehicle are clouded with the dhulo from the road widening projects or Dr. Saheb himself suffers from moti-bindu (cataract).  What Baluwatar needs is a vegetable garden and every time our clowns meet up, they should be eating carrots.

Or if Regmi takes the job, then he can invite our clowns for a dinner at Baluwatar and also serve ‘Chukauni’, the famous ‘Palpaali dish’ with the regular dal, bhaat and tarkaari.

Even if our clowns can’t agree on anything then at least they will be happy with the spicy potato yogurt salad from the man from Palpa. And the first thing Regmi can do when he comes our Prime Monster is to provide subsidies on potatoes, yogurt and spices. Then we can all have Chukauni during dinner.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Lead the way and we will follow….

Dr. Saheb seems to be tweeting a lot these days.  He must have gotten bored with his Facebook page.  After all, the smarty pant is running out of time.  He wants to cram in as many nataks as possible before he heads back to his apartment in Sanepa.

Instead of tweeting, he should just go to the rooftop of Singha Durbar and blow a trumpet whenever he comes up with a new natak. He should also start using Instagram so that we can view pictures of our netas drinking tea, picking up their noses and taking a nap during them hawa-tari ‘find the right clown’ meetings.  

And when Dr. Saheb leaves Baluwatar, he can move on to Pinterest and other social networking sites as well. If he really wants to show us that he is tech savvy then he should ask the folks at Nepal Telecom to provide us high-speed internet at an affordable price. 

We can live with 12-hour load shedding, once-every-three-days water supply and rising food prices but a day without internet access is more than likely to send us into deep depression. Watching funny videos on YouTube seems to be a better treatment than popping anti-depressants. 

Our PhD wallah has donated his half-a-month’s salary to ‘New Nepal Development Trust’.   Let us all stop what we are doing for a moment and give a big round of applause to our honorable Prime Monster who saves us a few pennies by riding a Mustang and then wastes millions of Rupees in taxpayer’s money in so-called visits to the districts by our cabinet members.

Why didn’t Dr. Saheb think of this new gimmick a year ago?  He could have taken only Re 1 as his salary and donated the rest to various charities.  He could have taken a tyampoo from Baluwatar to Singhadurbar instead.  

That would have helped to save Nepal Oil Corporation a few hundred liters of petrol every month and our security wallahs could also give their arms some rest.

After all, if you spend the whole day, frantically waving your arms to force the other vehicles to make way for the PM’s entourage then you are likely to suffer from involuntary arm movements in the future.

Dr. Saheb does not need to convince us that he is down to earth and feels the pain of our poor villagers by crashing and eating with them.  After all, he was not born with a silver spoon and he’s already seen the hard life.

Instead of going to a village and involuntarily creating pressure on  the ‘unlucky’ host to take out loans to host our smarty pant, the ‘lucky’ villager should have been invited to Baluwatar to crash in the PM’s residence for a night and maybe be a ‘Honorary PM’ for a day as well.  

The lucky winner should be driven around town in the Mustang and get to drink a doodh-chiya with the President.  After all, it’s only a natak and the lives of the poor will not improve by Dr. Saheb’s boy scouts antics.

If our smarty pant wants the kids in the villages to have a better future then he has to straighten out our public school teachers and make sure they do their job well. But most of our teachers in government schools seem to spend more time drinking local raksi and playing cards than teaching our kids in them rural areas.

Dr. Saheb now wants all of us to donate at least one day’s salary to the trust so that our youth can be involved in nation-building activities.  

Even our Army and Police wallahs have been asked to fork up a day’s pay to help fund the national volunteer campaign. The Education Ministry will ask the public school teachers to contribute as well. Well, it’s must be all voluntary like all the donations to our political parties.

Instead of asking for voluntary contributions, why not introduce a mandatory community service for us all? Every Saturday morning, everyone from common citizens to crooked contractors to corrupt civil servants and clowns must gather at their local tole and clean up the neighborhood.  

Those arrested on Friday Night ‘MaPaSe’ checking in the valley should show up at the banks of the Bagmati River and clean up the area for a few hours on Saturday.  It will also help to relieve their hangovers as well.

At the end of the day, political cadres will masquerade as volunteers and get the stipend while the really interested young folks will be lost trying to figure out the paperwork to be a volunteer. 

Aren’t we tired of all them ‘New Nepal’ nataks? Not much has changed between the old country and the new republic. The only folks who are better off are the cadres, contractors, civil servants and our beloved clowns. Maybe they should all pack their bags and volunteer in rural areas for a year.  Yes, please do lead the way and we will gladly follow right behind.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Leader of all leaders

Our caretaker government is more than eager to sell off the Nepal Mission’s property in the United Kingdom. No, it’s not because of Colonel Lama. The British court is different from ours. Even the  British Prime Minister or the Queen herself can’t just call up the justices and threaten them.

Here in this land of ours, the courts are only for common citizens whereas the political cadres still walk around freely even after being convicted of murder.

The maintenance works for the run down Nepali Mission in the UK cost somewhere around 2 million pounds but if they sell it then it will fetch 300 to 500 million pounds rey. I guess we really don’t have to scratch our heads and try to figure out why our buffoons want to sell off the property.

After all, our netas will even wake up from coma if somebody tells them that they will make millions from commissions and kickbacks. And maybe the main reason for our government not forming the Truth and Reconciliation Commission is because there are no commissions to be made.

Our caretaker government wastes millions of Rupees reimbursing our ministers for their personal visits across the country and overseas but don’t have a penny to carry out maintenance of Nepali Missions  around the world. And somebody should tell our diplomats that they should stop their ‘towel on the chair’ nataks once they leave the country.  One can use hand sanitizing wipes instead.

I think our NRNs in the UK should conduct a fundraising drive and help repair the Embassy there.  The Embassy is in a prime location and the rent is peanuts. 

If we sell off the property then our Ambassador and his staff will have to move to the highlands, pitch a tent and then can use all the towels they want because our government will not be able to afford the rent in London.

It would be great if the government sells off the property and use the funds to help the poor and the needy. But that is not going to happen and we must do all we can to prevent our buffoons from fattening their bank accounts. 

Maybe our brothers and sisters in London should storm the embassy and occupy the building. They can buy home repair tools in the local supermarket and start maintenance work right away as well.

Dr. Saheb spoke for two hours at the convention. He praised our Emperor and called him ‘leader of all leaders’.  But our Phd Wallah does not want the Emperor to act like a dictator.  I guess Dr. Saheb wants him to share a little bit more instead of just keeping the money and muscles to himself.

The Nepali Napoleon had to outdo Dr. Saheb. He spoke for four hours and promised his courtiers that he would be politically active only for another decade. The old fogies of the Chinese Communist Party spend their retirement days swimming, drinking tea and practicing their calligraphy skills.

But of course, our comrades have nothing in common with the Chinese communists. It’s like Rajnikanth fans opening a fan club of Rajni and then religiously watching Kamal Hassan’s movies instead.  

Most of our clowns either went to school in India or hid there until the time was right to come back and sit on the kurchi. How come we haven’t had any ‘Gandhi’ party yet? When will we get our Laloo Prasad Yadav?

So what would our Emperor do after he quits politics?  He could make some dough by going on a world tour as a Stalin look-alike. If that doesn’t work out then he could just open another communist party and have only his face on the poster instead of the usual MLSM  (Marx Lenin Stalin Mao) gang.

Our comrades are a funny bunch.  They come up with something new every other week.  The Emperor now wants the Chief Justice to lead the national consensus government. 

As usual, the opposition wallahs are not happy and are still desperate to lead the national looting team.  They do not want a Madhesi or a civil society leader or the Chief Justice.  I guess they would not want a movie star either.

It’s very hard to believe that in this land of millions of hardworking people, there is not even a single person that our clowns can agree on to lead the national unity government.

As they say… ‘A woman chooses the man’… but in our hawa-tari politics, it’s the Desi who chooses our Prime Monster. So instead of making our lives miserable by organizing rallies across the country, our clowns should head to Delhi and put on a show for Sonia madam. 

If she is busy then the Desi Ambassador here can just organize a laughter challenge for our clowns and choose the person who can come up with the most outrageous joke. And hope someday, we will all realize that the joke is on us and we have been played by our leader of all leaders.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Forgotten Martyrs and Filthy Morons

The ‘old’ martyrs were shot to death or hanged.  They died for us so that we could have freedom.  Their families never got a dime and except for placing garlands on their statues once a year, we really don’t seem to have any respect for their sacrifices.

We have had so many andolans and martyrs. The dead have been forgotten. The players have changed but the game plan is still the same. It’s not about changing the system or helping the poor. It’s all about milking the system and enjoying the kurchi until someone else gets lucky. By then the ‘old’ player will have amassed enough to last seven generations.

The ‘new’ martyrs are mundrey gundas who are affiliated to political parties. They fight with the other goons and whoever is unlucky becomes a martyr and his family gets a million Rupees.  All mundrey gundas across the country should take out a rally and demand a public holiday for their brethren. And why not have a monument for them as well?
We have seen the Shree Tins, the Shree Paanchs, the Kangaroos, the Eh-Maaleys and now the Madhesi & Maoist (M&M) alliance also known as the ‘Shree Aaaths’.  

We got rid of the Nati Generals because they were busy partying and building palaces around town. We got rid of the Mandaleys because they were the only ones playing the madal while our so-called freedom lovers were dead broke and living on crumbs across the border.
The Kangaroos showed us that they were only after power and money. They could have governed us for another hundred years but they acted like unsupervised kids in a candy store.  

Maybe if they had just followed the Lee Kuan Yew formula then we would be like Singapore. The streets would be clean and you would get caned if you vandalized stuff.  Our streets now look like war zones and our political cadres only know how to vandalize public property.
The angry birds promised to change the country and the only stuff that have changed are their outfits, waistlines and modes of transportation. 

Our Emperor lived in Delhi while the young men and women fought against the security forces in the country.  Hope one day, the families of the dead comrades, security personnel and innocent citizens will receive sincere apologies from those responsible for their deaths.
Our comrades seem to have forgotten that they are the ones in power now.  They should stop acting like juvenile delinquents and maybe take a class or two at the Harvard Kennedy School of Government.  Even if nothing good comes out of it,  they can hang their Harvard certificates in their living rooms.
Our clowns still think that organizing mass rallies will help them to win brownie points from the people. But the people don’t want traffic jams due to their nautanaki rallies. They just want enough water to take a quick shower, batti to charge their mobiles and watch their favorite TV shows and cooking gas to eat a meal or two.
The opposition wallahs should stop wasting their time and energy on toppling the caretaker government. They should learn a thing or two from the Amriki political consultants. It’s all about negative ads and lies. So why not come up with some really outlandish allegations?
The opposition wallahs should accuse Dr. Saheb of plagiarizing his PhD Thesis.  He must have at least copied a line or two from somewhere without mentioning the source.  And if Dr. Saheb wants to defend the allegations then he should step down from his kurchi.
But of course, in this land of ours, cheating is the norm. Every year,  examination officials are attacked by families who are not happy about not letting their kids cheat in the SLC exams. 
And our netas have no moral conscience.  A German will resign if caught with plagiarism.  A Japanese will probably jump off a building if caught receiving bribes. An Indian will probably resign but our netas will just brush it off and act like the country owes him an apology instead.
Our geat comrades will get some time off from the usual nataks from the opposition. They will get to enjoy a week-long jamboree in Hetauda. It would have been better if our comrades had organized the convention in Rolpa. They could have even done a ‘long march’ stuff all the way from Kathmandu. The Emperor and his courtiers could take the choppers while the cadres could enjoy the great ‘Maoist’ trail.
Our comrades could have just asked the fake VAT bill wallahs to fund the convention. Instead of sending out love letters, just send the fake invoices instead. Our byaparis would have gotten the message.  Or the great businessman from Hetauda could have done us all a favor if he had sponsored the whole thing by himself.  And our comrades could have boasted that they didn’t ask a dime from anyone else for their Love Fest.

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