Saturday, April 27, 2013

How to impress the Desis?

Our Emperor is going to the Indus Valley today.  He must be really pumped up after meeting the Chinese. The Mooncake wallahs have promised him the moon but he will have to make sure he gets all other clowns on board and write the constitution this time before he gets to see some Hongbao (red envelope) from the Chinese.

Our ‘master’ beggar begged for lots of aid from the Chinese and he did get lots of assurances.  It would have been nice if he could have gotten an autograph of Xi Jinping and then just made a fake IOU note for all of us to see.

Now, he wants to impress the Dosa wallahs with his guff.  It took our great comrade chairman nearly five years to understand that he will have to make the Mooncake and the Dosa gang happy if he wants to rule like a despot for another decade or two.

He seems to be full of himself because the Chinese treated him like some head of state.  Maybe they just wanted to look him in the eye and see if he was putting on an act or was desperate for some brotherly love.

India is like a second home to our great magician. He won’t need any tourist guide like he did in China. And there won’t be any need for a translator either. 

What will he beg from the Desis?  We already have tons of ambulances. The Desis built the trauma center in the middle of the city but our Health Ministry has yet to bring it into operation. Maybe our incompetent civil servants and cataractous clowns just couldn’t figure out how much commission to make from all them machines and stuff.

It would have been better if our Emperor had visited Delhi during Holi. He could have gotten the opportunity to display his ‘Bollywood’ dance skills with Mickey Mouse and Snow White. But it’s never too late. But he needs to come up with a new story line this time.

Our Emperor promised us 10,000 MW electricity when he was the Prime Monster. We will probably be load shedding free someday but not as long as we have the same bunch of buffoons running the show. 

If our great magician is really thinking of making some moolah from Chindia then he should just let them both develop our hydropower projects.

The Desi and Chinese contractors can work in joint venture projects and it will probably help them to bond and clear up all the misconceptions about each other’s culture. And the Nepali head cook will have enough experience to launch a chain of  Chindia restaurants in the country serving Beijing Dosa and Delhi Hot Pot.

Give our neighbors a decade to generate 40,000 MW electricity. Let them have half of it for another decade or two. We could probably be the first country in the world where them citizens won’t have to pay their electricity bills. Hopefully by then, we would all be driving around in electric vehicles and Kathmandu will finally be from pollution from old vehicles.

After all, our chimekis are not giving us aid for nothing. They would like to make some dough on the side as well.  Our Emperor can bring Ping Pong and Mickey Mouse together and electrify them with his ‘hydro-partnership’ plan. It would be a win-win situation for all us.

There will be some folks who will not be happy with the Chindia people taking over all our hydropower projects. Our Nepali hydropower developers should be allowed to invest even if it’s only a percent or two in all of them projects. 

Baidya uncle and his crew should get a fee for providing security to all them projects. Instead of burning down the contractor’s shed, they could ask for protection money like all other mobsters across the world.

What about the Amrikis? We will be needing tons of turbines and if we buy them from General Electric then the Amriki ambassador will probably invite our Emperor for a drink at his residence and make him an honorary citizen of the United States as well.

Our Emperor should ask the Desi comedian Raju Shrivastav for some tips. When he is having chai with Mickey Mouse, he can crack some jokes about the opposition wallahs. 

There have been reports that the Desi crown prince, Rahul dai has hooked up with a hot and smart Nepali CNN producer in Delhi. Maybe, our Emperor should ask Sonia auntie if the rumors are true. That would really make any conversation after that hot and spicy.

Our Emperor should take  a day off visiting his handlers and take his consort to the movies. Buy her some cotton candy and ice gola. Have fun. The CA election is still months or even years away. Enjoy the Desi pani puri while you can because you can’t get free lunch forever.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

How to impress the Chinese?

Our Emperor is in China trying to woo them Chinese communists. But our comrades here are still hung up on Mao whereas the Chinese are now full-blown capitalist even though they don’t want to admit it.

If our comrades really want to impress the Chinese then they should start learning Mandarin. All of our netas seem to speak Hindi even though not fluently but it helps to get your message across the border. Our clowns should stop talking in Hindi to Indian journalists. 

Let the Desis hire someone to translate what they  say. Why do our netas have to make fun of themselves by speaking in broken Hindi?
If our comrades took crash courses in Mandarin then they could really impress the Chinese communists by speaking a few words and complimenting about how their hair is always black. 

We don’t know if it’s the black dye or the fresh air in Beijing that helps to prevent greying of the hair. Maybe our Emperor should ask for some hair tips from the Dim Sum gang.
Our comrades should start learning how to use them chopsticks and sing a few Chinese songs. It really helps if the Chinese communists take you out to a Karaoke bar. 

And when our comrades get invited to some dinner, they don’t have to worry about how to eat them stuff. Of course, India would have been easier where you just use your hands to tear off them chapatti, dab some daal and curry and lob it in your mouth.
The Chinese President Xi Jingping thinks that we should focus on economic prosperity but our comrades  here are always eager to shut down industries, extort and  even beat up employers if they don’t fulfill them union demands. 
The only folks who are happy from all them labor problems and power cuts are our Desi byaparis across the border  as we  buy more stuff from India than in previous years. 

Our trade deficit with China is also increasing but we are happy with cheap stuff from Khasa. Maybe, we should leave the manufacturing stuff to the Dosa and Dim Sum gang and just focus on tourism. All Nepali families should host a tourist or two. 
But we Nepalis are generous folks and we will probably end up not charging them a paisa because of course a ‘Bideshi guest’ is God in this land of ours but your neighbors are your sworn enemies.
Maybe we should just make it mandatory for our tourists to spend at least $ 50 per day so that we will no longer have to deal with ‘cheap’ tourists who spend all their money in India and then take a night bus to Nepal and try to get by for weeks with his or her last remaining $100. 

Nothing wrong with trying to extend your last penny to the fullest but where on the Earth can you find a hotel room for less than $3? Some tourists expect Nepal to be dirt cheap just because our per capita is not even 1% of theirs.  

They think they can get a nice meal for a dollar and a beer for two.  If they really want to save their money then they should just pitch a tent in Tundhikhel and make their own local brew.
Let’s leave the kuireys aside for now.  It’s time to focus on the Chinese. Not the shady ones doing hanky panky stuff around Thamel. Let’s get the rich capitalist Chinese who seem to spend money like they are related to the Sultan of Brunei.  These new millionaires don’t care much about finding a room for a few dollars. They really want to flaunt their new riches.
Maybe our Emperor should ask the Chinese how we can do our best to attract millions of Chinese to Nepal.  If we can get 10 million Desis and Chinese to fill up our hills during the tourist season then we really won’t need to depend on their governments to gift us ambulances and buses. We will make enough money to balance our budget and not depend on any bideshi  aid at all.
If our Emperor really wants to impress the Chinese, then he should change his name to Pi Ding. At least the Chinese netas will be able to pronounce it when they host them dinner banquets for His Highness. 

The only thing the Chinese are worried about is Tibet.  But our Emperor didn’t even know that until he met Xi Jingping the other day. That’s what happens when you spend most of your days hanging out with the Desi spooks. You forget to read about what’s happening on the other side of the border.
Our Emperor thinks he can woo all them Chinese in his week-long visit to the Great Wall. Maybe he should have done all them nataks when he was the Prime Monster back then.  But of course it’s never too late to ask for money because our Emperor and his courtiers will have to win some votes with them notes like all other clowns.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

An Ounce of Common Sense

Let us all be grateful that we are not having the nautanki CA election this June.  That will save us from sun stroke and dust storm.  And the young and old voters will not have to worry about being dehydrated, standing in line during the hot summer day.  

We can then go to the polls after Tihar and vote for a clown who will be the least corrupt or spews less venom than the other snake charmer.

I think our Nepal Tourism Board should come up with a new campaign. They should get a dozen camels and charge tourists a few dollars to ride around the city. The dust storm will give them an experience of being in the middle of the Sahara desert or some place in the Middle East.  

Maybe it’s time for our sarkari hakims to ride around town in an open carriage like in them ‘Shree Tin’ days. Then they will get to taste, breathe in and enjoy the dust storm like the rest of us.

Khil dai could do us all a favor by making sure that our slimy contractors finish the road widening project by next month. The dust storm is getting unbearable and by the time we go to the polls in November, most of the valley residents will have major respiratory illnesses.  

Is the government then going to get air ambulances for all of us and send us to foreign lands for treatment? Or are we going to get subsidized mini oxygen tanks we can carry around as we go to work?

We all knew that our clowns were never eager to go to the polls this early. Our buffoons think that they have all the time in the world to resolve the so-called political crisis in the country.  They can’t even come together to decide when they want to battle it out at the polls. 

Maybe, Khil dai should just go ahead and ask our free-loading clowns to pull straws. And the one with the shortest straw can consult his astrologer and fix a day in November. Somebody needs to make sure that Baidya uncle doesn’t get any straw at all. 

He is not interested in any elections because he is short on cash. Well, the Baidya wallahs are now into seizing land. But it will take some time to grow some crops and make some cash. But of course, our comrades are not entrepreneurs. They just want some land so that they can plant some party flags instead of crops.

Our clowns are not worried because they don’t have to go to work, pay bills and save a few Rupees at the local cooperative.  Why are these stupid incompetent fools getting all freebies such as state security, vehicles, fuel and other chiya kharcha? 

Maybe we should start afresh and only start handing out state perks after we get a real government.  Let’s have a Constituent Assembly election again. Let’s make sure our fools get their act right and come up with a real constitution. Then we will have our parliamentary election and then the next one. 

And then the former Prime Minister of the first elected republic government can get a free lunch or two. But why are we handing out freebies to every clowns since the 90s. Why not go back a century? Maybe Bhimsen Thapa’s family can get at least a free voucher for 50 liters of fuel.

Why are our former Home Ministers getting the royal treatment? The ‘Homies’ make more dough than the rest of the cabinet, playing with police promotions and recruitment. They should have amassed enough dough to hire their own private security personnel and they could even afford to ride around town in an armored personnel carrier at their own expense.

Our clowns should stop trying to figure out how many provinces we need or what we should name them.  Just go ahead and fight the elections and then waste our taxpayers money for another four years and come up with zilch.

Maybe, we should just have our local elections so that our Mayors, Ward Chairperson and Ward members can use the funds for their communities instead of letting the all-party mechanism skim off all the funds. Aren’t we all tired of lazy government secretaries at our local ward office who are not even interested to wash their dirty towels on their chairs?

Well, it’s time to be merry as our Nepali New Year is here. We, Nepalis are good at partying like the world will end tomorrow.  

Let’s hope that this new year, our cops will get new breathalyzers and they will at least have a limit on how much wine one can sip before being busted for MaPaSe. 

Our folks at the Central Zoo need better tranquilizers so that our wild animals won’t have to be shot to death. 

And of course, hope our clowns will have an ounce of common sense  so that they will no longer keep talking nonsense.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

The Return of the Polygamist Prince

Our polygamist prince is back in town after spending months with his new belle in New Delhi.  Like all other Nepalis, he must have missed the momos back home. Either he ran out of  funds  or he just loves cricket so much that he got the patriotic urge to rush back home to attend the ACC T20 Cup.

Afghanistan managed to defeat our team but we must all applaud our Nepali cricketers for their team work and congratulate them on reaching the final.  Hope someday our footballers will make us proud like our cricketers.

Let us all hope that our polygamist prince will ask his daddy to set up some kind of a Sports Fund and award cash prizes to our cricketers. It’s about time our comrades grew up and started giving instead of just asking for voluntary donations from anyone they think has some dough.

We all know that our Emperor is a two-tongued, double-dealing magician and he might just go crazy and announce a cash prize of a million Rupees to our cricketers. But of course, our Comrade Maharaja is good at making pledges but he doesn’t have the time to follow up on it.

Whatever happened to the compensation of Rs 6 million to the Madi blast victims and their families? I guess our comrades do not have the time to withdraw the funds from the party’s bank account. Or maybe the funds are deposited in some other untraceable accounts?

It’s about time our Election Commission wallahs act tough and make sure that our corrupt political parties get their hisab kitab right if they want to fight the election. We can make exception for Baidya uncle and his crew. They are just starting out fresh and they must have spent all the voluntary contributions on their convention. They do not seem to have enough funds for chiya kharcha during their banda karyakarms.

We are still waiting to hear about the US$ 3 billion investment in Lumbini from the non-existent Chinese NGO as well. But like every father, our Emperor wants his son to be a man. He wants junior to take over the party someday.  

After all, without money and muscles, you can’t run such gimmicks for long. If our Emperor had his way, then he would probably have his pictures on every electric pole in the valley. But of course we are not North Korea yet and you can’t take over the country without the blessing of the Desi gurus in New Delhi.

Maybe our Emperor should visit North Korea instead of China and just ask them for help to set up a nuclear reactor in our land. Well, we can’t depend on North Korean technology but it will at least make the Desis give us much more than ambulances and buses. If our clowns really want to act like beggars then they should at least ask for a buffet meal than a small packet of chana-chatpat.

So far, going by the antics displayed by our polygamist crown prince,  he would probably end up getting married more times than late Elizabeth Taylor. At least Lizzie was a Hollywood starlet whereas the only skill our polygamist prince has shown is updating his Facebook statuses every other hour. But that too stopped when he decided to leave his second wife and hook up with another comrade’s missus. 

Our Emperor really wants to groom his son so that one day he will be able to handle the muscles and money. You can’t do that by posting gibberish on Facebook. You need to have charisma to lead your cadres. You need hard cold cash to feed them and when it comes to common folks, you should have no empathy at all.

But our polygamist prince is a lover boy. He feels love for the game of cricket, mountains and other people’s spouses. Maybe he should just climb Everest once again with his new belle and both of them can write their names in the Guiness World Records after playing a game of cricket up there.

The prince and his consort has a month and half to prepare for the feat and the right time to show us the natak would be on May 29th this year when the world celebrates the Diamond Jubilee of the first ascent on Mount Everest by Tenzing dai and Edmund Hillary.

The polygamist prince is now back to being a Newa State Committee member. The party has decided to lift the suspension on the crown prince.  I hope he won’t plan a trip to Mars and ask the government to give him Rs 20 billion this time around.

But of course, we have an interim government now and our comrades will have to wait for the CA elections to find out if they will get to enjoy plundering the state coffer on their own or share it with many other crooks than the previous heist.