Saturday, January 25, 2014

Here comes the freeloaders again!




The Constituent Assembly Part II has begun with 565 freeloaders taking oath of office and secrecy.  We all know very well that our CA members will neither take the their office seriously nor be able to keep state secrets to themselves. No wonder, all them bideshi ambassadors pay house visit to learn all the dirty schemes of our incompetent fools.

5 CA members missed the show and will probably take their oath some other time. Maybe, they should get their pay deducted for not showing up. And we should have a 'no work, no pay' policy for our freeloaders. If they can't deliver the constitution within a year, then we should get a refund and maybe add an extra fine as well.

Let's hope that our lawmakers will fulfill their duties this time around and give us a constitution within a year. Or maybe we should all go on a hunger strike if that doesn't happen. Dr KC has broken his 14-day hunger strike. It's a good thing that at least one man has the courage to stand up and demand action against incompetent fools. 

Our CA members should promise us that they will not go on foreign junkets sponsored by our bideshi donors.  And let us all pray that our lawmakers won't shame us again by selling their diplomatic passports for a few more Rupees.

Our lawmakers should first ban themselves from going overseas to meet their foreign handlers.  I think it would be a nice gesture if they ask the Foreign Ministry to black-list themselves and do not get any passport for a year.  

Well, they can travel to India without one but we can prevent them from sneaking across the border if we can have a no-travel list at border check points with the pictures of all CA members. If the government can't get our police wallahs to help out then we can ask volunteers from Maiti Nepal. They are good at spotting human traffickers and they will probably do great at spotting corrupt incompetent buffoons as well.

The Eldest CA member Surya Bahadur Thapa administered the oath to 565 lawmakers.  Surya Ba has probably seen it all.  I think he should write a book about his political experiences. The title of the book could be 'Monarchy to Maobadi and Me!'.  He should also share his health tips with the rest of us because he still looks like he has the stamina to beat Fidel Castro's record speech at the UN Assembly.

I hope Baidya Ba and his protestors will be nominated for some CA seats so that they can enjoy the perks instead of standing outside the CA building and protesting. It's much more fun to sit inside and drink tea and manhandle other CA members instead of getting laathi-charged by our police wallahs.

We have Surya Ba and his son Sunil Dai representing the RPP whereas Sheroo dai, the Maharaja from Dadeldhura will also have his wife Arzu Maharani in the CA. It's a shame that many lawmakers were wearing Daura Suruwal for the ceremony.  Please don't give the national dress a bad name. I think most of our lawmakers should have worn jackets with Rupees stitched to it as it would show their true colors.  After all, our netas are for sale and the bideshi have the dough to buy them while they don't have time to address our concerns.

Once again, our lawmakers will fight with each other over how many provinces we will have. Why not just stick to the ones we have and get on  with our lives instead of wasting billions of Rupees?  It will probably cost us millions of Rupees to change them signboards in our government offices if we come up with new provinces but  the guy who wins the contract to change the signs will have to pay everyone along the way and the cost will balloon up to a few billion Rupees.

There will be talks about a new capital. Our Emperor wants to shift it to Chitwan. Baidya Ba would probably want Rolpa to be our new capital and others would want their home districts to win the race as well.  

Maybe, Palpa should be our new capital. According to the District Education Office (DEO), Palpa, the district has achieved 98% literacy and even beats Kathmandu.  So, it's time the other districts get inspired from Palpa and start eating Chukauni. I think it helps in some ways to increase the literacy rate or maybe, there is something in the Palpali genes.  

Yes, let's get some researchers from Harvard University or even our TU wallahs and do some research on how spicy potato yogurt salad helps in improving literacy.  A person from Palpa is either a civil servant, a byapari or a professor. Khilly Dai is also from Palpa. Before he leaves Baluwatar, he should do something to promote Chukauni overseas. And one day, the export of Chukauni could balance our budget and even pay off our foreign debts.


Saturday, January 18, 2014

Kick Them All Out!



It's about time our Election Commission (EC) wallahs stop acting like sissies and take action against our political parties that have yet to submit their financial details.  Deadlines come and go and our political parties continue to disregard them because they know very well that nobody will take action against them.  

The common folks have to pay their bills within the deadline or face action from the creditors.  Our business wallahs get black-listed and have to pay fines if they don't pay their taxes on time. But our political parties continue to flout the law because they know that they can get away with it.

So far, only 5 political parties have submitted their annual financial report whereas the other 114 political parties must be busy trying to find chartered accountants who can come up with fake bills. Why can't the EC black-list those who have failed to submit their financial reports within the deadline?  

Our political parties act like they are above the law.  The EC has the authority to cancel their registration if they fail to submit their financial reports within six months from the closing of each fiscal year  but the election body has failed to take action against the violators time and again. 

Nepali Congress has reported an income of only Rs 8.4 million and expenses of Rs 15 million. The Kangaroos must have hired shady accountants to prepare their financial report. It's hard to believe that the grand old party received less than ten million Rupees from their friends and well-wishers.  

As usual, the party with the most moolah happens to be the  UCPN (Maoist).  They have reported an income of Rs 76.2 million and expenses of Rs 77.3 million.  They must have more friends who are willing to donate some dough than the other political parties. 

But if they were really transparent and willing to show their 'real' books than the cooked ones then it should be at least ten times more. I think the income from the interest derived from our Emperor's business holdings would be more than what they have reported this year.

The CPN-UML has  not submitted their financial details yet and have asked for an extension.  The Eh-Maleys don't even have time to submit their fake financial details and yet they have the audacity to promise us a new constitution within a year.  

The Commission for the Investigation of Abuse of Authority (CIAA) should first  go after our political parties and investigate their accounts instead of going after the small fishes like our byaparis. The poor business wallahs have to evade taxes, sell adulterated products because they need to make some dough so that they can make a voluntary contribution to our corrupt political parties. 

We all know where the problem lies and why we are in such a mess? But who has the courage to go after them clowns?  Lokman thinks he is Superman and wants us to pat him on the back when he goes after low-level government employees and small-time contractors.  Lokman gets pissed when journalists ask him questions.  

The CIAA should be under the President's authority and not under our incompetent government.  We need to have independent folks appointed by the President instead of our corrupt ministers. Maybe then the CIAA wallahs will have the courage and won't have to face interference and political pressure when they go after the big guns?

Our political parties claim that most of their funds come from voluntary donation and membership fees. If that was true then our political parties can only afford to buy tea bags for their chiyapan karyakaram and they would have to ask their guest to bring a thermos of hot water for themselves.

The EC wallahs have decided to give the violators some more time to submit their financial reports.Deadlines doesn't seem to work for our stupid politicians.  But how long can we go on extending the deadline for everything when we know very well that our clowns do not take them seriously?   

And our Emperor has finally spoken. He wants a new election of the President and Vice-President. Why not keep the current ones in office until we get a new constitution?   Our clowns are only interested on power-sharing and looting the state treasury.  

The Emperor now blames the Khilly government for his party's failure in the CA election. Stop the blame game and take responsibility, at least for once. The common folks want local election but our comrades think it is better to hold them after they are done with the constitution. 

But we are not even sure when we will get the constitution so if you are thinking of running for Mayor of Kathmandu soon then please defer your plans for now and focus on finding the gas dealer who has some stock of cooking gas for now. 

And the joke of the week is that our Emperor is leaving his Lazimpat residence and will hand over all property to the property. So does that mean that the big boss will finally live in a one-bedroom apartment and take the Micro like the rest of us? And let's hope that our comrades will no longer ask for voluntary donations because they will have enough funds after selling all his property.


Saturday, January 11, 2014

The Three Stooges



Sushil Da wants to be our next Prime Monster but so does Rambo Paudel  and the Maharaja from Dadeldhura, our own Sher Bahadur Deuba. The Kangaroos had decided before the CA election that Sushil Da was their man but our clowns are good at changing their minds every other day. 

So, now we have three stooges who want to do their share of taking us back to the stone ages.

Sushil Da is probably the last of the Mohicans who joined the party in the 50s. He will be celebrating his 60th anniversary as a Kangaroo this year.  If seniority rules are followed then he should be given the chance to sleep in Baluwatar. 

Rambo Paudel would make the 'original' Amriki Rambo dive into a quicksand with his natak. Paudel lost 17 times and could not become our Prime Monster during the previous Constituent Assembly. You can lose once, twice or even thrice but 17 times is just too much. 

Even motivational speakers across the country would have advised Paudel to quit instead of taking the 'do not quit until you succeed' mantra too far. The Amriki Rambo would also have left Vietnam, Afghanistan, Myanmar or wherever he is heading next to rescue Amriki POWs if he failed more than a dozen times.  

The Maharaja of Dadeldhura has been our Prime Monster thrice. Now, he wants to try his luck for the fourth time and maybe he will experiment with GMO seeds in Baluwatar if he gets the top kurchi again. Yes, we all know that nobody can beat Deuba in his district. 

He will continue to win every other election till he decides to quit politics and become a Sadhu.  But he needs to be humble and not act like we all owe him something just because he is unbeatable from his constituency.  

We have already had enough of Deuba. We don't want him to be our Prime Monster. Sushil Da is old and frail and needs some rest instead of facing other litmus tests. Give the man a 'gold watch' and a grand retirement party and a free ticket to Varanasi. Rambo Paudel  is part of the old slimy crew and should let the new or young ones take the lead.

If our Kangaroos really want to lead the government then our three stooges should step aside and let other honest ones to be the Prime Minister.  How about Narahari Acharya?  He seems to be the only honest guy among the gang of thieves.  After all, Acharya was the one of the few who wanted a Republic when most of our Kangaroos were still open to the idea of a 'Baby King'.  And he is probably the least tainted of them all. 

And we can even have Gagan Thapa as our deputy Prime Minister. But of course, in the real world, if you are 60 then you are nearing retirement but in our 'Nepali' political world, you are still a 'youth' leader.  Well, then Gagan Thapa is only in his teens if we follow the 'political' age formula. But Thapa should get a chance to head a ministry and show us his skills so that we can figure out if he has the capacity to lead us as our Prime Minister in the future.

Our United Mules also want to live in Baluwatar. But we have already seen Jhallu Baba and Makune and they failed miserably.  Our Madeshi parties are now thinking of uniting after their dismal performance in the CA election. 

Maybe our comrades should also do some soul-searching and unite for the sake of saving our Emperor's arse.  Yes, let's have a party at Peris Danda and offer free drinks and snacks to Baidya Ba and his crew and that could at least balance out our Dr. Saheb and the Kazi. 

Our IGP Saheb had earlier promised us to make the police administration more effective but maybe it was just another hawatari speech by a hakim saheb. I guess they haven't really started their training on how to behave with the public. 

The police wallahs are non-discriminatory when it comes to charging laathis and breaking the bones of protesters.  Earlier, it was the former Kamalaris who were thrashed by our cops. Our police wallahs continue to act like savages.

This time, it's our disabled folks who were victims of police brutality. So when it will all stop? Maybe never but it would be better to dress like a 'RoboCop' if we want to gherao sarkari offices in the future. 

Let's hope one day, our police wallahs will also join us during our protest rallies instead of  beating up hardworking folks who protest against injustice.

And what's up with our government's plan to provide housing to VVIPs. How about providing housing for our low-level police wallahs and soldiers of Nepal Army instead? Thousands of security personnel continue to live in bunkers across the country and yet our government wants to make sure that our incompetent VVIPs get more perks. 

How about providing affordable housing to needy folks in this land of ours? Aren't we all tired of dealing with shortages of everything while the clowns continue to enjoy the good life?  

It's time to take back this country from the freeloaders. No more free lunch for our clowns. We should do a 'coin' rally. Collect your coins, visit the residences of our clowns and then hurl them coins across their gates so that they can pay for their houses and vehicles.


Saturday, January 4, 2014

A New Year but same old Nataks!




We had expected our clowns to begin the New Year with a bang as in get done with their PR list, join the Constitution Assembly and start working to write a constitution.  But it looks like our buffoons are not interested to work together even within their own party. 

Some threaten to resign, some threaten to split the party and some just want a bora of cash for the PR seat.  And some are still recovering from the hangover from drinking all that bideshi whiskey a few days ago.

Why are our politicians only interested in their self-interests and do not care about the country? Why do they forget that they have an obligation towards the common folks instead of only their cadres and contractors?

And what about us, the voters whom these buffoons seem to forget? We, the common folks just want our freeloaders to forget about money and power for a year and get done with the constitution.  But of course, that's not possible, because the only reason our lazy bums joined politics is to make money and abuse power.  

Where are our bideshi donors now? They should be sending their conflict resolution wallahs to help our clowns or else it might take just a year before our political parties finally satisfy their cadres over the PR seats. Or maybe, we can have the Khilly government stay on for a year and give us a constitution if our buffoons keep on fighting over petty issues.

Our Emperor is having a tough time trying to make  Dr. Saheb and the Kazi happy.  The other circus companies have the same problem with cadres threatening to organize bonfires in party offices across the country.  

So what does all this natak mean? It shows that our politicians are good for nothing scumbags who are only interested to make some dough so that that their near and dear ones can live the good life.  

Instead of awarding the PR seats to dedicated cadres, our clowns want to make some extra dough by handing them out to byaparies or their relatives.

Our political parties always promise us thousands of MW of electricity before the election.  Instead of trying to bring in billions of dollars from non-existent NGOs to make Lumbini a Disneyland, our Emperor could have at least signed on a billion dollar hydro project when he was in Baluwatar.  And who knows, we could have been load shedding free by now. 

But everyone wants a cut and until our clowns stop dreaming about commissions, we will never get a constitution.

We will have 12 hours of  load shedding from tomorrow. It's the same old natak. Our clowns will not have to worry because they will get free gas cylinders from NOC for their heaters. The least our government can do is give us all pair of thermal underwear. 

But of course, our government never has funds for the common people. The state funds are meant for our hardworking civil servants, honest contractors and humble con artists.

Our Supreme Court has rejected the Truth and Reconciliation Commission Ordinance over blanket amnesty. But of course, our buffoons are not worried about the Supreme Court and its rulings. The law is for the common folks, the con artists can get away with anything because they know that there is nobody to hold them accountable. 

We should have had the TRC a long time ago but our buffoons want to make sure that the state and the political parties get away with all the violations. At the end of the day, those who have died during the conflict will be forgotten while the violators will go on to govern us and make more money and enrich themselves.

It's time our President act like a stern school teacher and spank our buffoons instead of always requesting our eggheads to come together to find a common ground.  So what can we do to make our clowns do the job they were voted for? Maybe, we should start another Andolan and gherao the residences of all our top clowns and make them sign another how-many-points agreement. 

But this time, instead of signing stupid agreements amongst themselves, they should sign it with the common folks. And if they can't get their act together and get done with the constitution within a year then they should all leave politics and get a real job instead. 

Maybe, then they will realize how hard it is for all of us  with all the shortages, rising food prices and the instability in the country.