Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Who will be the next IGP?

Once again... the IGP Olympics natak has begun and our Home Minister and Dr. Saheb can't seem to decide whom to pick to head our competent police force! Our Homie, Bijaya Kumar Guccha-daar is asking for Rs 7 Kaord rey. 

Dr. Saheb wants to pick AIG Kuber Rana but our Homie wants to give the 'phooli' to whoever bags the tender ... hehe! Prasai ruh Dhakal pani daudi-raah-chan neta haroo ko ghar shar ma!

IGP Rabindra dai will retire on September 14 .. but our poor hakim saheb can't go on them customary bida sida because our latthu-raam netas are fighting over the right 'candidate' rey. Our great hakim sahebs get a month bida before they leave their office. Fokat ma ek mahina ko talab paakney kya!

If our Nepal Police followed them army ko 'seniority rule' then Kuber Rana would be our next IGP because the other senior AIGs will retire soon. And he is sabai bhanda senior when it comes to rest of them contenders. He is a good cop rey but he was accused of killing them rajniti karykartas but our court gave him a clean chit!

Our netas have made the police force their own personal slave trade kyaaruh. If a SSP wants to be a DIG then he has to pay Rs 50 lakhs to 1 Karod to our honorable Home Minister. Ani tyo paisa uthau-nu tuh paryo ni hoinuh ruh?

If a guy wants to be a constable then he better pay some agent who has links with the thulo-badas. 50,000 dekhi 1 lakh. Inspector ma bharti hoonay ho bhaney tuh 5-10 lakh ready garnoos. And if you want to go to Thamel, Durbarmarg, Boudha and make some money then our Inspector sahebs will have to pay like 30-40 lakh for 6 mahina ko posting rey.

The 'blue' ones have them 30-year service rule. If you have served for 30 years then you are done. You go home.. no extension at all! All this police natak started after our great Hawaldar late GP babu became our Prime Monster kyaaruh. 

During the Panchey days, we had DB Lama.. the great IGP who was involved in them smuggling rackets. Drugs, Gold, Moorti Soorti.. you name it... he had his hands full kyaaruh! But he went to jail and spent a few years with his pal Lt. Col. Bharat Gurung pani. 

And when the Congressis won the jackpot ... DB Lama and Gurung both got out of prison and even got their jagga sagga back. The Panchey government had confiscated them land sand but thanks to GP and his Kangaroos.. Gurung got his Thamel ko jagga back. Kata ho? Himalayan Java bhayeko building ni.

And DB Lama is the President of Bhoot-purba Prahari Sangathan. Go figure... he still is popular with the former police wallahs.. hehe!

Ani tyestai 10 barsa pachi ..we had  Achyut Kharel... the guy became famous after taming them 'Bagar' ko gundas in Pokhara. Bagar then was like the Bronx. If you wore them tyeti bela ko 'Rato' Nike sneakers.. and you happen to be in Bagar then you had to walk back home barefoot.. hehe!

Kharel started his 'barber & cobbler' nataks by cutting sabai keta haroo ko lamo kapal ani dingo boot haroo pani. He became our IGP then he got kicked out for no reason. Abuh neta haroo lay jay garey pani hoonay .. ahiley samma tyestai tuh cha ni!

They appointed Dhruba B. Pradhan as the IGP. Kharel was later reinstated kyaaruh and Pradhan lai chahi PM ko sallah-kaar bhaney ruh joker banayo! Both Pradhan and Kharel were batch-mates. Pradhan is hamro Nepal Olympic Committee ko President Ahiley.

We also had Motilal Bohara. His son was Dippy dai ko ADC when the Royal massacre took place! Bohara was recently convicted of ghoos-khaaing by our court kyaaruh. Kharel lay chahi clean chit payo!

And we should thank Sher B. Deuba as well.. for all this 30-year natak. He amended the Police Act to promote Bohara then. 30 batuh 32 barsa niyam laago garyo ani Bohara ko time sakey pachi feri 30 barsey service rule thaw-ta-yo. Bajiya.. Deuba still thinks he should be our next PM... laaj nabhaako chaturey!

After we became Republic (rip-off-the-public), we had Om Bikram Rana then Hem Gurung ani Ramesh Chand Thakrui and Rabindra Pratap Shah. 4 IGPs in four years... let's hope we will have a new Prime Monster when we get a new IGP. Balance out garnoo paryo ni.... 5 PMs , 5 IGPs... Army Chief chahi.. jay hos... afnai tyam ma retire hooncha!

Rana, Gurung and Thakuri were convicted of ghoos-khaaing. Tyo APC Scam ma... fasyo bichara haroo. Rubel, the foreign prince and Sujata Auntie ko jwai made millions but he is now eating fish curry in Bangladesh or London hola. Even our political parties shared the loot then.. but our netas always get away while the civil servants become the scapegoats!

 IGP Rabindra Pratap Shah is a lucky man. He was the most senior guy then but Thakuri won the tender because he offered 5-6 Karod. And Shah would have retired as AIG taruh nidhaar ma lekhya rahecha IGP hoo-nuh! Thakuri was sacked because of the APC scam.

Abuh ko hoonay ho hamro naya IGP? Our Home Minister lay Dr. Saheb lai bhaney cha 'Asti Chief Secretary ko laagi haam lay chod-em abuh IGP tuh hamrai manchey hoo-no parcha'.

Dr. Saheb is on his way to Tehran to attend the NAM summit. Our Homie is the acting PM! Sabai bhanda thulo chor nai hamro Home Minister. The Kavreli Don.. Ganesh Lama is having all the fun. Uslay contract paako Bhaktapur jaaney bato ma bhwang nai bhwang. Lama dai is even a member of Guccha-daar's Madeshi party. 

What's next? One day, Lama will fight for 'One Madhes' hola ni. Good for him. Maybe the Loot-wallahs should make a movie about Lama... a boy from Kavre, who started out working at a hotel in Thamel and then joined Deepak dai ko gang and then became jhan thulo don!

Nepal Police ko taal tyestai cha. Tyeti bela ko hawaldar pani mukh-thaad-thyo, boot lay haan-thyo, daroo-piu-thyo! Maybe we should recruit only Ram Dev Baba fans in our police force! 

At least, they wouldn't torture you and ask for free recharge card or hafta-asooli. They might force you to wake up at 4am and do some breathing exercise and you might have to buy them apple sapple and a bottle of local ghee pani. We could tolerate that.... ahiley ko chor-cops haroo bhanda tuh tyestai nai jaati!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Am I the crazy one?

It's 11:34 pm and there's a shoot for some TV ad across my house. Generator tuh ali silent nai cha taruh... it's getting irritating... And then I walk across the road and tell the sahuji... 'Kati tyam laagcha'. 

He is a little tipsy... 'Khoi.. yestai tuh ho ni!'. I tell him to shut it down then and his friend tells me.. 'Tyeso bhaye.. sabai yo bato ma raati gaadi gudau-ney lai kay bhanchau tuh?'. Question ma arko question..hehe!

He tells me that I don't have an answer rey. Yes, I do... but I have stopped slapping folks around... abuh merai galti bhaye-cha hagi.

I feel sorry for myself, my tole-baasis... I guess ... one day, when somebody is getting mugged at 2 in the morning.. we will just shut our doors and act like we don't care hola ni. Ahiley pani tyestai cha in Kathmandu ma... kaha gaye holan hamro sabhyata?

I wanted to punch the guy ... tyesko kaan ma.. but a fortune teller from Hyderbad has told me to not get into any street fights this year or I will end up in jail big tyam rey.

I am trying to be nice because this is not the first tyam. A year ago... the sahuji and his other partner were drunk and mookh-chaading in front of my house at 3 in the morning. I told them to shut up but then the guy told me that he was paying rent and he was from Kalopul and he also has his own homies and gangsters etiyaadi. Who gives a @#$!?

Then a few months ago, he was at it again. This tyam.. he told me that he was from Hanumandhoka and knows all them cops and blah blah blah. I really don't give a @#$!. Don't stand across the street and talk sheet at 2 am in the morning ni. Ani ajuh chahi.. he tells me he is from Soruhkhutte... kati thau ma ho yesko ghar pani?

I really don't give a rat's arse where you are from. This is my tole, my father's house and I have a bedroom and I need to sleep. Well, I normally sleep around 3am hehe but sometimes.... it's good to sleep early ni!

But it's all good. I didn't get into a fist fight with the guy across the street. Last tyam.. I had with me a big lamo latthi. He still remembers rahecha... and he has been telling all his friends in Kathmandu that some crazy wacko from across the street tried to kill him.

This is KTM.... sano thau.. kura soon-in-cha hehe! And I didn't even hit that guy. I just had it with me for my own protection.. but he thought I was about to crack his skull open. I am not a YCL-ey ni!

There's a new restaurant right next to his shop. A couple of bideshis haroo lay kholay-ko. One of them drives around in them blue-plated gaadis. So the guy tells me... 'What about them folks?'... uni haroo lai chahi kay bhanchau ni!

Well, them kuireys can do what they want but if they start making noise after 10pm and it goes until 11:34 then I will tell them.. 'go back to where you came from!'... hehe.... I will be like a Nepali redneck hehe!

I think it's tyam our traffic wallahs check them kuirey haroo ko registration papers. If she's working for UN or all them so-called donor agencies.. then okay... good for her. But if she's driving around in them gaadis... kun chai kuirey batuh kiney ko and if she's not allowed to have a blue-plate gaadi then she must be deported. 

Hamra dai didi bhai bahini lai matruh kati deport garney tyee kuirey haroo lay? Yeso.. hami pani deport garoom nuh .. hehe!

I don't know what's up with folks these days. Maybe I am the crazy one. I want peace and quiet in my neighborhood after 10pm. I think everyone should be allowed to make some noise until 10 and after that.. baroo yeso ali kum halla garnoo ni.

Anyways, the bidhesis tell my chimeki that they can open until midnight and make all the noise they want because... they are bideshis rey. 

I know that they are not going to like me when I show up at their restaurant one day and tell them to shut off them music system. Baroo sound-proof garnoo ni. 

Kay ho khoi.. tole-baasis haroo lai pani matlab chaina! I feel sorry for them folks who still live in the so-called Jhamel area. I don't like that name. Ki Jhamshikhel bhaw-nuh ki dhobighat but please... not mini-Thamel. 

I think it's tyam.. we just move all the restaurants (loud music wallah) to a new basti. Baroo.. let's have like 500 restaurants in one tole nai. And everyone can go there .... and you can open till 4am nai. 

We are no longer considerate of others... we don't care if we are disturbing other folks at midnight. Mero ghar pachadi ko chimeki is a hard-core Hindu fundamentalist. There is a all-night bhajan every other month. 

I met the Baajey the other day and told him that he will either have to shut it down by 10pm or I am going to start playing some 'Heavy Metal' stuff... to compete with the 'Bhajans'.

The Baajey now has 2 ropani jagga in Bagdole rey.... hamro chimeki auntie ko gift sift. Good for him... but he should do the Bhajans at his jagga baroo!

Nothing wrong with being in touch with God... sing all you want, dance all you want... but don't disturb your neighbors.. tyo pani raat bhari. Bihanuh bajau, diu-so gau, raati ko 11 bajey tuh Bhagwan lai pani disturb hooncha ni.

Mero tole ko bato ma feri thulo bhwaang. Nobody really cares. I did .. once.. ended up beating up a sarkari hakim and nearly got myself a year in jail pani. We sorted it out.... we signed an agreement.... and the SP saheb then told me to join a political party instead... hehe!

I tried with them batti satti in my tole. Two years ago, we had like 44 streetlights kyaaruh. Now, only three of them work... and nobody cares. Even I don't... jhan mobile naw-loot-wos, naari haroo ko gahana naw-taan-wos bhaneruh light sight haal-dya ho.. abuh khoi.. jhan malai po bahula bhanchan mera tole-baasi haroo lay!

I told the pasaley across the street to stop throwing trash outside.. poko para ani tyo private santitation company ko gaada ma faal-noos! He doesn't care because he wants to save Rs 150 a month!

I no longer want to beat people up because it's not the right way. I am not Rajnikanth... or YCL or a local mundrey gunda! I am just a Bahula who has nothing better to do (ek jana ko bhanai!) or I am doing all them stuff because I have them funding from some kuireys rey (arko lay guff haney-cha!).

So I have stopped worrying about my tole sole. Let it be... Paulie dai lay bhanya thiyo kyaaruh. Neta haroo lai matlab chaina, karykarta tuh jhan chor. Police ko fursta nai chaina mundrey gunda sangaw hangout garnaw. Khoi... abuh chahi afai lai nai mental asylum ma bharti garau-noo parla!

And why are our folks better at answering back with all them stupid die-logs instead of admitting that they made a mistake and you know.. maybe apologize and not do it again. Ye.. sorry hai.. bholi dkehi muh disturb gardinaw bhaney bhayee halyo ni.

Sometimes.. I feel like leaving.. Las Vegas.. hehe!  Maybe I will go to a village..... bato banaam... toilet pani... khola ko paani batuh sano mini-hydro... and ask Mahabir Pun for some help for them internet stuff. Baroo.. gau ko bikash chahi huncha hola tawruh yo sahar ma chahi... 'Yestai tuh honi'.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Master Plan

Khum Bahadur Khadka is a law-abiding citizen. Maybe the President should give him a medal for respecting the court’s verdict. Dr. Saheb should ask his friend, Balkrishna Dhungel to learn a thing or two from Khumey Dai. But of course, Dhungel will have to spend his life in prison and he won’t get to enjoy the good life.

Khumey dai should be happy that he got them discounts on his fine and jail term. Now he can pass his time playing a game of marriage with his fellow dishonorable ministers in Dillibazar.

Our Congressi cadres managed to raise Rs 7.5 million to pay Khumey Dai’s fine. It would have been better if they had instead set up a fund to help our villagers to charter them helicopters to ferry their sick to the capital. But who cares about winning the hearts and minds of the common folks hagi?

Haku Kale had only one master plan. Dr. Saheb has too many and not enough suckers to follow him to the Promised Land. Wider roads won’t solve our traffic congestion. Our bikewallahs will continue to hog the pavement.

Micros will stop in the middle of the road and wait for the guy who is going for the world record on slow-walking. And the jagga dalals will park wherever they want because they think all lands are fit for plotting even the public roads as well.

No Electricity Authority (NEA) has increased the load shedding hours. I guess we didn’t pray enough to the Gods this time. So now, we will get less electricity, pay more and NEA will continue to lose billions.

Dr. Saheb has directed our NEA folks to not increase the load shedding hours by more than 12 during the winter. The only way out of this mess is to build a nuclear power plant. We will have enough electricity and our chimekis won’t push us around like bullies. Let’s go nuclear.. or act like we plan to and get some free dough from the West for not building one.

Our great Nepal Police has decided to save some money on them telephone bills by only allowing one-way telephone service in our police stations in the valley.

You can call them cops but they can’t call you back. So you will have to call back again and again until they finally reach the crime scene. By then, the mundrey gundas will be long gone and our cops will have nothing to do but go back to the station and wait for your call.

If Nepal Police really wants to cut down their expenses then why not ask our senior police wallahs to leave their free gaadis at the office during the holidays?

We can save some fuel and the hakims’ wives and kids can take a taxi instead of misusing state property. And hopefully when the Maharanis complain about the tweaked meters then our police wallahs will do something about it.

Our cops don’t have enough funds for fuel, maintenance and spare tyres. We now have a night bus service in the valley but it only runs till 11pm. Why not let our cops drop folks off after midnight and charge them a little less than our taxi wallahs? Our cops will have enough dough to fill up their tanks and maintain their vehicles. And if they still have something left over then they can use it for late night khaja.

Nepal Police should also ban mobile phones during duty hours. Some of our cops use it to inform them mundrey gundas whenever the hakim sahebs are planning a bust. And some of them ask for recharge cards instead of cash from local fruit sellers and taxi wallahs.

I guess we all need to talk to someone. Maybe Nepal Police should start counseling sessions for the cops so that they will figure out why they joined the police force in the first place.

I guess we won’t be eating Brazilian chickens anymore. The Desis are not keen to open KFC and Pizza Hut again. There is nothing wrong with having a union but why are our comrades always ready to display their Kung Fu skills?

Some of us think that having all them international fast food chains in the city make us look good. No it doesn’t… our money goes all the way to Brazil rather to our poultry farms.

We should ask the Samba folks to help us to grow bigger chickens, better coffee and teach us how to organize a boombastic Carnival here in Kathmandu. We can then sell our chickens to KFCs in India.

We can cut down our milk deficit by drinking black coffee. And we should be able to attract more than a million tourists once we have a Brazilian-style carnival in the middle of the city.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Terima Kasih!

Last year, I promised to save my money ani also reduce my so-called carbon foot soot print pani. It was only Micros and Tyampoos for me. But this monsoon, I have no choice but to take them tyaksis around town. 

Why? I am getting old and lazy and I don't want to vandalize them vehicles .... because if you are walking on them so-called pavement or that used to be one.. you are likely to get neeth-rook-kai when them gaadis splash you ni!

Thank you Dr. Saheb for them road widening projects ..... now all we need is a canoe or a raft or a giant bubble... ask them Chinese to make them and sell us some. 

I think it's better if you buy one of them hard-core swimmer lay launey gear sear .. full body swimsuit.. ani just carry your looga, kitab and stuff in them water swater-proof jhola!

I think we should ask some of our hydropower wallahs to generate some electricity whenever our streets are flooded! I don't know if somebody has come up with them crazy stuff... probably the Japanese hola.... bato flood bhaye ki... at least cell phone charge garney samma power nikal-nuh milcha ki! 

No, I am not smoking crack or sootthha or whatever them young follks call them jhaar-paat these days... hehe! Our police wallahs have been busting them Hashish rackets rey... or are them dealers creating artificial shortage like our byaparis? Khoi.. muh tuh carrot cake matruh khanchoo kyaaruh!

Let's get back to the story of the day. Got into a tyaksi in Jawlakhel. Paani naw-parey ko bhaye chahi Tyampoo nai linthey ni. 'Kata ho?' .... 'Kathmandu Post ko Office thaha-cha?' ...'Kantipur'...'ho ho'.

We got to Kupondole... and the bato ghato sabai flooded. I have no freaking idea why them local baasis don't go to the Sadak Bhivag and complain? The 'Roadies' might say 'go to the municipality or wherever' but Dr. Saheb.. I think it's better to build some drain for the rain instead of just making our roads wider kya!  

I think folks should just use their baal-teens (buckets) to fill up them paani and then head to the local Ward Office and dump them fohor paani tyo ward secretary ko tauko ma. Ani tatin-cha ki bajiya?

Pahila po Wada Adhaksya hoon-thyo! Now, we have all them sarkari chors and they don't care because they are not elected ni. Vote maagnoo parney bhaye po ali ali kaam garney! Sabai political party sarty lai paisa baatnuh think cha tyee mora mori haroo lai!

I hope we do have them local elections soon. Baroo @#$! the CA natak. Hami lai local choo-naab cha-hi-yo Dr. Saheb. Tyeti bhaye pani dinoos nuh. Hisila Didi lai chahi sabai Guthi ko jagga nai dinoos baroo.. hehe!

Chepang lai jagga dinoos, Raute lai coat, aroo sabai baaki lai chai local choonab .... ki kaso! Hamro gau, tole hami nai banau-chau. Hamrai mayor, mayor-ni, hamrai wada adhakshya.. not them so-called all party mechanism @#$!-sheet!

Ye.. feri bhoolay cha... let's get back to the story! I am Guffadi... so whenever I am in them tyaksis.. I start them guff suff. 

'Afnai tyaksi ho!' ..... duita answer hooncha... 'Hoinuh ... Saahoo ko' or 'Hoinuh.. Finance ko' .. even if the guy has paid all them Finance company ko  installments ani tyaksi afnai bhaye pani.. hehe!

Aajuh ko tyaksi pilot was from Saptari. By the tyam... we got to Thapathali... I found out that he had gone to Malaysia and had worked for a 'laybhal' factory in Kuala Lumpur. 'Kay ho Level bhanya?' .. 'Yo kya.. eesticker pheestiker haroo'.. tyaksi ma bhaako 'no smoking' ko sticker dekhau-dai!

Tin-Chaar barsa kaam pachi, paisa ali save garey ruh farkey cha! Tyaksi kinecha, saat-aath barsa bhayo tyaksi chala-ko ani ahiley Thimi ma ali ali jagga pani! 

I am seriously thinking of getting a tyaksi and be a pilot with my own dress ress ani wings ruh topi pani. Afnai gaadi bhaye pachi.... mahina ko 25-30 tuh bawchha rey kya.. tyo pani bank lai paisa boo-jaa-ye-ruh! 

We talked about our great Maoists (malai pahila nai tha-ha thiyo .. yee ni haroo chor hoon kya), the system (kay ko system... loot-nay pani euta system hooncha ni), traffic rules (haha!) and our byaparis and their adulterated products (sabai lai jhoondaam... communists haroo lay saa-shun garya rey.. sabai byapari lai po fai-da!).

I have stopped talking about them 'tweaked meters' because every 183 days, you will get into a tyaski with a sarkari meter (and you feel like the guy is Anna Hazare and you give him double nai).. aroo din chahi sabai ko ek call wa dead (1.5) call tuh hooncha nai! The guy's meter was ali ali fast pani. 

The pilot was frank.. there was no 'mila-yeruh dinoos'. 'Kay garney.... hami lai aroo lay thug-cha.. hami lay tapai-lai'..hehe. We talked about Malaysia. I have been there a few times.... but I was guffing like I knew Malay. 

The guy did know a little bit more Malay kyaaruh... so now I was about to get busted..hehe... ani.. I changed the topic. Topic ko kura ma.. mero eks ko yaad ayo. She used to always tell me that I changed them topic sopic whenever we talked about them 'real' stuff. 

Myan... I wish I didn't do that then.... but kay garney.. abuh 'Woh Chali Woh Chali'.. geet gau-noo parla ni.. hehe... kaha batuh Bombay Vikings ko yaad ayo. 

Ye.. that was the 90s.... with their Hinglish Gaanas.... abuh reunion garyo bhaney band ko naam pani 'Mumbai Mitthai-wallah' huncha hola or else them Hindu talibans aka Shiva Sena in Mumbai will do some daang doong hola ni!

Whenever I am in them Micros... I think of her! When I walk by tyo bus stop... I want to see her there .. waiting for them bus sus.... ani I just want to say 'Kay Cha Haal-Khabar'.. angrezi ma 'How are you?' ... that's all I can say now. 

Restraint is haaard.. especially for a guy like me.. who has spent all his life... blabbering gibberish'. The show must go on bhancha ni... khoi kaslai kay dekhaunoo cha ruh abuh. 6th grade ma tyo Willie dai ko tyo monologue kantha paarnoo par-thyo!

All the world's a stage ki kay bhanney.... and  the only thing I remember is them last line kyaaruh.. "Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything." .... and I am not even that old (Willie dai ko world=stage anosaar tuh muh 'Lover-Soldier' phase ma nai choo..hehe..) .. and my dentist tells me to visit him every three months for them sar-safai karyakaram because I puff too much rey. 

My gums are getting all jpt rey. I guess I will just stop going to the dentist and just chew some more gum for my gums.. hehe! Ani tuh Kabhi Whiskey Kabhi Gum holan tuh! 

My sister tells me.. 'with that money you spent on them Kuirey dentists there.. you could have bought a 7 anna jagga in Kusunti'.. hehe! Daant ko problem tuh baccha dekhi ho... badi cream soda piye, Red Bull tuh class three dekhi nai .. tyeti bela sano bottle ma pau-thyo.. hehe!

My eyes... dui barsa agaadi.... was -2 something.. ahiley tuh double bhayo hola ni.. hehe! I only wear them glasses whenever I have to drop someone off at the airport. Contacts suntacts chahi ... kahiley pani laga-yenuh because I am not good at handling them stuff!

Gaddi kudau-da chasma chahi lau-choo because I don't want to hit some guy who is trying to break the  world record for slow-walking in Tinkune ni! 

Sabai Amrika nai jaan-chan.. ani sabai flight tyo raati matrai! I am like the designated drop-off guy in my family ani aroo relatives lai. Baroo bihanuh 6 bajey udau-noo ni ek dui wata plane slane tuh! Taruh Kathmandu ma tuh raati raati gaadi chalau nai mazza hagi!

Okay... where was I? This was supposed to be about our tyaksi sahuji who knows the Malaysian national anthem by heart but once again.. it has become about me.. hehe!  

Hamro tyaksi sahuji ko bhanai anoosaar chahi... 'All them Sahujis in Malaysia are Chinese.. all them alchi haroo chahi Malays and sabai chor chahi Tamil' ...rey! 

I think he should be a stand-up comedian and do a 'Malaysia Tour' hola... hehe! Abuh usko bichar ho... malai tuh sabai khaana mitho laagcha kyaaruh! If you are a racist or really want to rant against other people then just be a stand-up comedian. You can get away with anything kya!

He will probably get free kung pao chicken from them Chinese, the Malays will grill him and make a Nepali Satay out of him and the Tamils will not only rob him but will skin him alive and Mathangi "Maya" Arulpragasam aka M.I.A. will probably sing a song about it hola ni!

Malay kura ma chahi.. I only know a) Marlboro Satu ... because every morning on my way to school, I used to visit the local store run by a crazy Malay baajey... he didn't speak English or Singlish nai. Marlboro bhanya tyehi.. Satu bhanya one , ek.. abuh go figure!

b) Terima Kasih... (if you say it fast and like twenty times in less than 9.63 seconds then it sounds like 'Your mom is a goat' in Bhojpuri-Nepali version ... but it means.. Dhanyabad kya!..  thank you tuh bhanna aunoo paryo ni.. jaha gaw-ye pani! 

c) and lastuh ma chahi tyehi ho... gaali pani gar-naw aunoo paryo ni.. hehe! I also know them in Mandarin and Tamil... but since the LTTE has left the building.. abuh kay use garai bhayo tuh. 

Mandarin ma chahi... abuh Thamel ko hot pot place ma ganau-ney masoo diyo bhaney gaali garnoo parla ni hamro Chiniya sahuji haroo lai. I don't know if there are here for them Yarsagumba or really into running a hot pot place nai.

Ani ayee pugyo Kantipur ko office. Meter lay 320 haaney cha... baroo '420 nika-ley hoonthyo ni Mahathir Mohamad' .. 'Kaha .. dai tyo tuh ati nai badi hooncha ni hagi'..  'Testo bhaye lau 250 liun tuh'  500 ko note diye.... but the guy doesn't have change.. 'Muh sangaw 20 rupya ani aroo sabai 100 haroo cha'... abuh 250 batuh 280 nai linuh lagyo Malaysian hero lay!

Paani ajhai pardai cha... afai janoo paryo kirana pasal and bought a NTC ko recharge ani Mentos! But then I decided to give him 320 nai! Jay bhaye pani guff suff ramailo thiyo ni!

I am thinking of going to KL this December. I think I should ask my tyaksi sahuji friend to tag along.. and then we go to some food court and order them roti (mutton ko jhol ma), nasi lemak and mee goreng and then I will ask a Malay and a Tamil gangster to join us for dinner!

Ani tyee dui jana lai bhanney kya... what my friend really thinks about them .. hehe! Why? Ani hamro pilot lay Malaysian national anthem gaucha ani sabai khoos... haha!  Chicken fly-lice tuh tyestai ho.. seafood chahi miss hoo-do rahecha! 

Maybe our President should ask Saudi dalal bin Talal to build an artificial sea here in our land. Tyo medal diye ko kay kaam.. baroo euta maadal diye hoon-thyo ni uslai!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

How Baburam can impress them Mullahs?

Dr. Saheb is going to Tehran next week rey. He will be there to attend the so-called NAM summit. The Non-Aligned Movement was great when our Amrikans and the Russians were busy hiding nukes in them satellite states. The rest of the world acted like they wanted to remain neutral but actually wanted chiya kharcha from them two fools kyaruh!

We got them Amrikan volunteers and the Russians gave us some dough to start our own cigarette factory in the country... hehe! Them Peace Corps volunteers went to them villagers, ate daal bhat with their hands and some of them even got married to Nepali women pani.

Tyeti bela ko volunteers haroo speak fluent Nepali and know more than most of us nai. Aroo kuirey lai guff diye pani ... former Peace Corps volunteers haroo lai chai guff naw-dinoo.. hai! They probably built them toilets in your grandfather's village and taught your father how to play them guitar and sing Bob Dylan ko ek dui gana pani. And then asked your grandmother if it was okay to marry her thulo chori... hehe!

Aaj kal tuh... we have them kuirey volunteers who come to our land and do their volunteer natak for 3-6 months. They stay in Kathmandu with their host families... get tired of the same old 'dui-chaak' daal bhat a day...hehe! And their Facebook pics haroo chahi tyehi bungee sungree, Lakeside, Poon Hill and they will teach at a school in the Far West for three weeks and act like they know Nepal more than Professor SD Muni.. hehe!

Ani uni haroo ko kaam chahi.... brochure banuu-nay, kun chai so-called NGO ko website ma ek duita picture upload garnaw sikauney... etiyaadi! Tyeti bela ko volunteer haroo lai po dinoo parney ho hamro sarkari medal... but nowadays, we hand them medals to Saudi dalal, Prince bin Talal!

The Russians gave us them scholarship seats ... so that our lads could go to the former Soviet Union and study all kinds of engineering. Amrika lay 10 seats diyo bhaney tyee Roosi haroo lay 50 seats din-they rey!

But most of our 'engineers' became byaparis in the CCCP (Союз Советских Социалистических Республик)... damn.. them Russian words pani kay ho hagi! They would cross them borders and bring back stereos and jeans and sell it to the communists rey.

Some of us had fun selling Thailand ko jeans and dingo boots and stuff to the Desis in the 90s.. hehe! But Dr. Mickey Mouse Singh decided to end the good tyam for our Nepali students in India by allowing them Desis to drink Coke & Pepsi instead of only Thums Up!

Even our Upendra Mahato started out by learning them smuggling tricks ni. I hear most of his dough comes from the Russian mobsters but this is Nepal... we can't prove anything because our politicians, byaapris and civil servants are good at hiding stuff up their arse hola!

But Mahato made it... and to be well off in them former Soviet Union... you must be really tight with the mobsters and former KGB people. If Mahato had gone to Japan instead ... he would have been tight with the Yakuza hola ni!

Anyways, Janakpur Cigarette Factory (JCF) was established back in them 60s. They had 'Yak' churot... and most of your babas smoked them tyeti bela. JCF was doing great until Girija Babu and his hungry wolves won the lucky draw to loot our rastra ko dhukuti.

Our congressis gave jobs to thousands of their cadres in them public enterprises and made millions ani tyee state corporations could not make any profit due to overstaffing and incompetent management and khiya-laako machines and stuff!

Ahiley pani tyestai ho.. the guy appointed by our comrades to look after Nepal Airlines is a eight-grade drop-out! Nothing wrong with that. Paw-dey ruh bhanda Paw-ray ruh jaanin-cha bhanchan kyaaruh... hehe! Maybe he is like Leonardo Da Vinci holan tuh. Maybe he will design a new plane by using bamboo and jhaar-paaat! Ani plane ma khaa-naa chahi bhutya-makai matra diye kaso hola .. but at least don't run Nepal Airlines like a local bus ni.

Nepal Airlines has one functional 757.... and the other one is always under maintenance kyaaruh. And when will Sujata auntie finally go to jai for @#$ing up our national carrier? Jail bhanda pani tyo dumped aircraft at TIA ma nai uha lai koach-dim naw ... for a decade or two.

The Congressis destroyed all them PEs and our comrades have really done nothing to bring them great sansthans back to life. It's the same old story, hire your cadres, fire the other guys and loot some more!

Nepal Drugs pani ramrai thiyo. Now, they don't even make any dabai sabai... them employees get their taw-lab without doing anything. They come to the office, sign up in them hajir kitab and then read newspapers and drink chiya all day. Kya Mazza!

Look at Gorkhapatra Sansthan. I think they should scrap them newspapers and just publish a daily 'government jobs, tender sender or notices' ko list cyst etiyaadi. Save some money ni. Ani paper quality hay-ruh nuh... yesari na ho ni .. paisa khane! Nepal TV ko pani tyehi taal cha.. jata hay-rey pani chor haroo matrai!

The Rising Nepal naam raakhney bewakoof lai goli haa-noo parney ho. Or maybe he should have been given the 'Gorkha Dakshin Bahu' then.. we are still waiting for Nepal to rise up hagi! Look at them Sajha buses... khattam garyo and now we have our byaparis and their micros, buses and trucks.... ripping us off!

One day, our working class will no longer be able to pay them fares nai. I think it's time to teach our folks how to roller skate. @#$! scooties, bhai-cycle and Reva nai. Let's all go rollerblading! And if the micro-driver acts funny .. 100 jana skaters ko jhaapoo khaada kehi sikcha hola ni.

Taxi wallahs haroo ko tuh kura nai naw-garoom. I am seriously thinking of starting my own taxi-service. Sarkari meter ma chalau-nay but you have to pay an annual fee of Rs 1,001. Tyo fee see chahi.... if you throw up while coming back home after Friday hangout sessions ni. Somebody has to clean it up kya!

Oops... today's post was supposed to be about what Baburam can learn from them Iranians since he is going to Iran for them (BAD)NAM summit...hehe! I was in Tarai a year ago and they were singing 'Baburam bad-naam hui daarling India kay liye' .. haha!

Our comrades can stop boasting about this and that. No, they did not win any war swar and they will never be able to take over the country and turn it into mini-North Korea nai.

Maybe they should have read more about how Khoi-money tricked everyone into thinking that he was their savior. Let us all feel bad for them Iranian students, scholars and hardworking working class people who expected good things from the revolution and all they got was a bunch of wannabe wizards and their jpt fatwas!

So the Khoi-money guide to revolution ko first chapter ma kay lekhy cha bhaney... first, you have to kick the previous players out of the country and then you capture everything and enjoy the loot ni and make sure you kill anyone who disagrees with you.

Our comrades did that in them villages but they should have asked North Korea for help to capture this land of ours instead of them Desis hehe! Who would want to mess with us if we had a bunch of nukes pointed at our chimekis?

Who cares if it doesn't work? As long as you have them kay bhancha ni.. enriched uranium sheet.. them chimekis will have to give a damn ni! A nuke is a nuke... it's not a hand grenade... it's going to do more damage than just blow up a wall or something.

And why the @#$! are we not worried about what would happen if the Desis, the Hot-Pot wallahs and the Fateh Ali Khan's decided to fire them nukes at each other? Most of us will die from them radiation nataks.

The Maoists could have done us a favor by digging up them bunkers to get away from the nuclear meltdown instead of giving us guff about how they will fight India one day... hehe!

We are still waiting kya.. yes, I want to see Prachandoo running towards India like Sunny Deol did in tyo Bollywood film 'Gadar' ki kya ho. Well, Sunny dai is old now.. so I guess our Emperor will hang out with Sunny Leone hola ni!

Our comrades are busy looting but it's no fun when you have to share the candy bar with other nautankis. Just ask a kid how much it hurts to share a candy bar with his or her sibling ...hehe!

So .. Dr. Saheb won't learn anything new from the Iranians.. because he has a PhD and he is the smarty half-pyant from Nepal. Baroo... he should ask them Iranians how they managed to transfer US$ 250 billion here and there.

Tyo Standard Chartered ko 'transfer' crew ko phone number tip-noo Dr. Saheb. I know that you don't have to wire them money to foreign banks because you have a few lakhs in the bank .. but our Emperor does ... so if you help him hide his money then he will let you be the Prime Monster for another 20 years rey!

And can you ask the Iranians for some free oil pani? Dr. Saheb supports them statehood thing for our Palestinians. He should take a class or two from the 'Tito Satya' or 'Meri Basya' ki kay ho tyo... and do some over-acting kya.

Be anti-Amrikan or anti-Israel for a year or two. We will get free oil from Iran, Venezuela and thousands of doctors from Cuba pani. North Korea lai pani naw-birsum hai! Baroo... give a medal to Mugabe and that fool from Syria pani. C'mon.. we need Bill O'Really? from FoxNews talking about us... haha!

If we get them free fuel from Iran (ek dui barsa lai bhaye pani), NOC will finally be able to pay off its RS 20+ billion debt hola. And them Cuban doctors will go to our villages and work there for a year or two.

And when them Cubans return home, they will be eating dal bhaat with their hands and singing Resham Firi-ri and Raul Castro might help us to start our own cigar factory in the country hola ni!

Our government has really @$%ed up our credibility by supporting that 'One China' policy crap.I don't know why them Chinese worry about Tibetans protesting in Kathmandu?

If they are so @#$!ing paranoid then why don't they stop making stuff for them Amrikans ni. Dalai Lama is always at Central Park, NYC and the Chinese are okay with it. Why can't he visit Kathmandu? And why is Hong Kong and Macau still acting like they are British or Portuguese?

Sabai paisa ko khel ho babu... Our great Hot & Sour soup wallahs make US$ 300 billion more from the Amrikans ni. And them Amrikans are okay with the trade deficit as long as they get sasto maal. Arrey waah... sabai yo paisa ko nai ho kamaal!

So Dr. Saheb... go and kiss the crazy Iranian President Uhhh-Muh-Diney-Jaad (Yes, I give Raksi!) on the both cheeks and give some guff about the great Khoi-money and the Iranian Revolution! Kiss his arse like you and the Emperor did with them RAW agents in Delhi... hehe!

The Desis have been dealing with the Iranians for ages. Baroo siknoo hos.. desi haroo batuh. They are tight with the Iranians, the Russians and now with the Amrikans pani. Baroo if our netas really want to pick up a fight then let's attack Burkina Faso. What? I once dated a girl from Burkina Faso.... that's why.. hehe!

Let's get back to the 'How to get some honey and money from Iran' stuff. Maybe we will get free oil and dates and pistachios if Dr. Saheb can do the arse-kissing right.

Dashain awoo-dai cha ni... hamra byapari haroo lay feri thug-ney bahyo hami lai ... baroo Iran batuh siddhai dry fruit shroot import garoom ani sasto ma dinoo Dr. Saheb.. hehe!

Let's be friends with North Korea, Venezuela, Cuba ad Iran. I don't know what North Korea will give us... fake Marlboros, fake Amriki dollars and a fake nuclear bomb pani.. hehe! We will give them fake VAT bills hola ni!

And why is Manushi going to Iran with her Dad? She is not a computer operator ni. She is a gold medalist from TU. She should not go to Iran where them stupid Mullahs have no respect for women.

Will she be asked to wear them Burka Surka too? I guess not.. it's the NAM summit and them mullahs will act like they didn't see any women during the conference hola!

Manushi... go hang out with Hillary Clinton baroo. Learn how to have fun, have a beer, learn some dance moves instead of just ghokking them university kitabs! Don't go to Iran... go to Ibiza baroo... and read about Golda Meir instead of the same old three stooges!

Mao, Lenin, Stalin ko kaam chaina abuh yo duniya ma.... Aquino, Meir ani aroo ko cha.. not Evita and I really don't like Thatcher ... and she is not dead yet (with due respect to the Iron Lady!)... eh... Joan of Arc nai.. lau jaa.. hehe!Lau tuh Dr. Saheb ki chori... be a myaan.. I mean... a real woman... and don't go to Iran ... rastra ko dhukuti ko ali kati paisa tuh save hooncha ni.. ki kaso!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Congress + Corruption = Conspiracy!

Our Emperor has received the most complaints from his cadres rey. The Maoist probe panel will probably find oil in the middle of nowhere first, before it even figures out who made how much! There must be someone who has all the hisab-kitab hoinuh ruh?

And it would have been better if our comrades had spent the loot on sending our crown prince to Mars. Our polygamist prince has already climbed Everest. I think he should head to the Red Planet as well and become the first comrade to play a game of Dandi-Biyo on Mars. He would then have more internet memes than the NASA’s Mohawk guy hola.
Our netas don’t have time to do the math because they are busy meeting foreign handlers and listening to humble requests from our ethical byaparis! It’s their personal aides (PAs) who have them calculators tied to their belt buckles and pens with invisible ink to jot down all the figures and names of those great folks who always seem to donate cash to our netas voluntarily.
If we really want to find the truth then we should round up them PAs and maybe ask the guy from BBC’s Sajha Sawal to ask them pimps where they have hidden the pots of gold! 

The event should be telecast live from Rangasala and we should have our netas super-glued on the parapets so that our TV crews can capture their constipated facial expressions while the PAs blurt out them figures.
Khum Bahadur Dai, the great Nepali Congress (NC) freeloader has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. His supporters were pissed and the only way out to vent your anger in this country is to vandalize vehicles! 

I think them NC cadres should just be proud that their netas had fun looting the state treasury then. Every dog has its day bhanya jastai… let’s hope that the others will get their chance to be declared ‘100% corrupt’ by the courts someday.
Khumey Dai will have to cough off only Rs 9.47 million rey. It’s hard to believe that he only made so little. Before he first became a mantri, he had a Goldstar TV, 6 tolas of gold and a few parcels of land somewhere! 

A decade later, the guy made enough dough to start his own TV-assembling plant in the country. I guess our CIAA folks are still using the abacus to do the math.
And what’s up with our courts and their ‘discount’ offers? Our ghoos-khoris get 20% discount in jail term and fines if they surrender early. Hope one day Bhatbhateni will offer us similar discounts instead of twiddling with fake VAT bills!  Khumey dai now has 60 days to wrap things up and settle his accounts at the local liquor store before he heads to prison.
I think our freeloaders who are convicted of corruption offenses should get at least a year in jail for each month served as the dishonorable minister. And the fines are peanuts compared to how much they have managed to loot. 

Instead of buying up land, vehicles and what not in the names of their wives, kids and drivers… they should have asked the Standard Chartered people for some help. If them bankers can help the Iranians to hide US$ 250 billion then the loot from Nepal would seem like coins in them piggy banks!
In 2030, our courts will probably find our great comrades guilty of corruption as well. Dr. Saheb will probably be the only one who will get a clean chit. Baburam Dai has only 4 lakhs in the bank but our Emperor must have made more than Rs 4 billion by now. But who’s counting? 
Dr. Saheb spent a night with the Chepangs in Chitwan. I think he should spend some time with our Rautes too. Our comrades don’t like them Daura Suruwals but wearing a Dhaka Topi on them tie-suits is more of an eye-sore. They should push for the ‘Raute’ getup to be the national dress!
If that happens then many of our patriotic folks won’t have to wear the Duara Suruwal and it would be much easier to visit the restroom pani. And instead of spending half of your salary on dry cleaning them suits, just grab a Chinese blanket, a Desi towel and go to work!
I wish our netas could be like the Rautes. Then they wouldn’t have to spend all their time, scheming and back-stabbing each other for a few Rupees more. Our netas could be making pots and what not and could sell them to raise funds for their parties!
Like the Rautes, our netas too can walk from one village to another and hang out with the people instead of hatching conspiracies to destroy this land of ours with their divisive politics!

(TKP: On Saturday)

Friday, August 17, 2012

My Father...

Ajuh hamro Nepal ma 'Father's Day' ho... sabai baba haroo lai namaskar.. hehe! I called my Dad this afternoon to wish him ... a 'Happy Buwa Diwas'. Like everyone else, I too admire and love my Baba! My sano sisters lay 'Daddy' bhancha.. muh chahi 'Bwa' ... but I am not good at them communicating stuff kyaaruh!

I got a D+ in one of my speech class back in them days. The guy from the Middle East got a C+ because he just blabbered jey payee tyehi for 10 minutes. 

I talked about how Amrika's foreign policy was crap and one day.. it would bite them in the arse (this was all before 9-11)... but I went over the time limit.. 17 minutes 22 seconds rey. I still remember my Professori..... 'It was great.. but you just @$%!ed up my stopwatch... Mr. Naples! 

She finally figured out that I wasn't from Naples after I gave her a sano khukuri. I told her that we use them tiny khukuris as letter-openers! Yes, you can bribe your professoris in Amrika pani... haha! I ended up with B+.

Anyways.. I just want to thank my Dad for everything. It's been great so far... I have been given every opportunity there ever is or was ... and I have successfully managed to screw it up! Tyesai bhaye-ruh hola.. my favorite movie is 'Apollo 13' ...  tyes ma euta die-log cha 'successful failure'. Some folks fail miserably .. I have failed successfully bhannoo parla!

Your friends will last as long as you have them dough or weed or something that makes them look better than you! Your family will always love you unconditionally... even if you end up being a real jerk or a serial killer nai! They will support you no matter what and it took me a long time to figure that out!

When I was in the sixth grade, my Dad asked me.... 'So what do you want to be when you grow up?'. I said 'Philosopher' ... and I did get B+ in my Philo class in my freshman year but then I got mixed up with them Nasdaq natak. 

I wanted to make a quick million and retire at 22. Well, the Nasdaq crashed like crazy and all my dot come stocks went down to pennies! So never invest in the stock market unless you are the guy who is taking your company public ... hehe! Facebook is down by more than 60% but Zookerbug is still worth billions hehe!

Then I got mixed up with the anti-war crowd and wanted to kick Bush in the arse. It was fun hanging out with a bunch of so-called Kuirey liberals but they smoke too much weed and act like there is still a war in Vietnam! Get a grip... and move on kya!

I am afraid of Amrikans.. (yes, even David Bowie is!) ... their foreign policy really sucks but rights sights ko kura ma chai.. Amrika is still the best country in the world. @#$!ing Europe... they act like they really care for our janjaatis and all them climate change natak but at the end... they are all snobs kya! 

Go live in the UK or France or Germany.... and then move to Amrika.. you will figure it out hai! But of course.. that doesn't mean our folks living in them EU places are not having fun ni. Liverpool FC, Benny Hill, Escargot and Sauerkraut.. I likes.. hehe!

Amrika ko ACLU bhanya jastai.. Nepal ma pani khol-noo parla... abuh! Ahiley pani gau ghar ma hamra mahila haroo lai boksi bhaneyruh maar-chan, Dalit haroo lai pit-chan.... khoi Maobadi lay kay change garyo tuh.... ghanta!

Okay, let's get back to the story of the day. My dear father is getting old. Well, most of our Babas are getting old.  My father tells me that I am a smart man. Well, every Dad thinks his son is a smart alec ni! 

My Dad used to be pretty good at basketball and cross-country running. I used to be a pretty good ball player in high school but I retired after my all-boys team was beaten by the all-girls team... hehe!

Yes, yo chahi true story nai ho. And I still hate that coach for sending a bunch of girls after we were leading 21-2 against the boys team. Our coach did not object because uni haroo ko coach was an old boy from our school. 

And he wanted to embarrass his boys rey but the girls managed to score 20 unanswered points to beat us 22-21. What happened? Our team spent the whole time staring at the short skirts and by the time the game was over... we finally realized that we had spent the second half ogling at the ladies!  

We had finally become legends... not in a good way .. of course! As I was watching them Olympic nataks last week... that feeling when you are nearing the finishing line is really something hai! 

I still remember the  day .. I won them track & field events and my Dad was there ... cheering me as if I was about to break them world record secord nai. Tyeti bela tuh it was embarrassing pani..but of course.. when you are a teenager, your friends are cool and your parents are aliens ni!

My father doesn't smoke or gamble and he only drinks a peg or two! My relatives do tell me that he used to smoke once in a while when he was young but he quit! 

I have been trying to quit smoking since the 7th grade and so far I have failed successfully. I really want to quit because I don't want to go to the dentist every other month. 

And your girlfriend doesn't want to kiss an ashtray ni. Well, we have broken up and I am now listening to this great 'Tarun Kumar' and his song .. 'She Lyaaaft me' .. YouTube ma.. hehe!

I have been playing poker since they found Saddam uncle hiding in some hole with a few cans of 7-UP and them Mars candy bar kyaaruh. I need to quit gambling pani because so far I have never won because I always think I have the best hand when the other guy has a straight flush and I have nothing!

Abuh drinking ko kura... I do drink once in a while but I should start following Aristotle Baba ko formula ... 'everything in moderation.. babu'. I think I will stick to them 'dark choclateee stuff' because it lowers your BP rey!

My father is always calm and patient and he has all them leadership skills like your dad. I have a short temper... and if I was leading a platoon in the battlefield.. my soldiers would probably leave me alone because of my crazy antics hola!

I have always wanted to be like my father.... but I have realized that I can never be. I will always be me. Well, I have improved quite a bit in the past few months. I don't yell at my employees anymore... hehe! I have become a little bit more patient and I don't want to go out and beat all them sarkari hakims anymore.

There is a big bhwaang (pothole!) near my house. A few years ago... I had to beat up the Khanepani people to fix them road because tyo paani ko pipe lay garda bhaako rahecha. 

I didn't realize that the Department of Road Toad ko jimma po rahecha. My father was okay with my 'angry young man' natak then. He still thinks our netas are a bunch of losers and they should be buried alive. Ye...  my father is more radical then Mohan Baidya .. haha!

The local police even searched my house to arrest me. I then had to surrender because my cousin (a cop) advised me to give the 'Khanepani ko saacho (key)' back to them folks! Yes, our Khanepani have them key to ghoomau and then your tole gets them dui thopa paani kya!

The Asahi (Assistant Sub-Inspector gadha!).. asked me... 'Kay ho.. neta bannuh khojya?'.  'Hoinuh... tyee sabai tuh chor hoon ni!'... and then he asked the hawaldar to coach-au-o me in them khor! I spent 9 hours talking with a bunch of pickpockets, bike-chors and one guy who had sold his kaka's land by faking them documents.. hehe!

Ani bholi palta chahi... I had to sign them agreement with the hakim sahebs ... I promised them that I will never ever... beat them up again or will happily face them consequences etiyaadi. Ek palta jail gaye pachi Nepal ko sarkar ko jaagir khana pau-dai-nuh rey. Abuh malai kay ko sarkaari jaagir ni... baroo traffic police ma chahi bharti hoo-noo parla!

The SP saheb then advised me ... to just do my stuff and not get involved into them samaj-sudhar karyakaram. I still remember them words... 'Bhai.. yesto kaam garney bhaye ... party sarty join garuh.. nepal ma eklai law-dey-ruh kaam chaina kya!'.

And now... I am a grumpy old man and I walk by that bhwaang everyday. I do care... I have given the local club some money to buy some roda-gitti and fill up the bhwaang but I am not going to go around acting like Rajnikanth abuh tuh. It's time to mellow down hola ni!

My father tells me that I am really good at everything but I lack focus rey. And he is right... at least about the 'focus' thing ni.. hehe!  Nowadays, I am only focusing on how to be a better person than trying to change my tole sole and the world nai. 

I still haven't been able to wake up at 5 am and go for a run like my sister or my parents nai. Yes, my whole family is into running and stuff. I think we have like a trunk full of medals maathi store room maa. 

My sisters were all athletes in high school and they were all pretty good students pani. I was too.... but then I watched 'Dead Poets Society' in the 10th grade and decided to follow my dreams. But I still haven't figured out mero dreams sreams chahi kya ho bhaney-ruh hehe!

Ye.. la.. ajuh ko post was supposed to be about my father but as usual... it's always about me! My former girlfriend once asked me... 'Why is it always have to be about you?'. hehe! 

I have stopped trying to be like my father. Our fathers are our heroes. They are men of integrity, character and  strength.. (yo die-log mailey kaha soonay ko thiye!).... and here we are, trying to figure out how the hell did they manage to get married in their 20s... have a bunch of kids and then work hard enough to buy a 6 anna jagga in Kathmandu and build a small house pani!

I am moving to Myagdi because I will never be able to buy a land or build a house in Kathmandu. And if I hang out with Mahabir Pun then I will get free internet access pani.. hehe! 

Well, I really don't care for them ghar, gaadis or gold like our netas. I am happy with a bunch of books, coffee and cigarettes.. (churot chahi chodnai parcha hai!). I will just go buy a tent and encroach some public land...hehe!

Let us all thank our fathers today for sacrificing their wants and needs so that we could be spoiled brats... hehe! Lau.. sabai baba haroo lai hamro 'thank you' .... hope Prakashey will call our Emperor and Paras Dai will call Gyanu uncle to thank them as well. Jey bhaye pani.... afno bau afnai ho ni.. taruh yo neta haroo lai chai samjahu-nai parcha.. yo desh chai uni haroo ko bau ko sampati hoinuh kya... hehe! 

And Dr KC... stop your hunger strike. I love you myaaan.. (in a good way ni feri!)... but I think it would be better if we bought them boras of chaamal and gave them to our so-called netas.. yee bhaatey haroo lai bhaat dim ... KC sir ko hunger strike lay yee gadha haroo lai kehi farak par-dai-nuh because these @#$!ers are not compassionate  folks... they are corrupt fools kya!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

A Palace for Prachanda....

Our Emperor promised to move out of his Lazimpat Palace during the so-called Maoist Plenum Sell Em' kyaaruh! Them communists and their hi-fi words .. plenum ko sato hang-out session bhaney bhayee halyo ni!

And then we have the Politburo and tyo bhanda maathi Standing Committee rey. I think them comrades don't even need them committees.. after all .. our Emperor is the one who decides what to do with them lootya paisa ni!

Prachandoo returned the government vehicle... as if he was doing us all a favor! Yes, our former PMs and other thulo mancheys get free rides and what not! Moj cha hai.. hamra daaka-neta haroo lai!

Some of our former Prime Monsters have yet to return them vehicles .. laaz nabhaye-ko bhatey haroo! Anyways, why the hell do them Maoist netas need them vehicles and security from the state kya?

They have their own 'stolen' vehicles and thousands of comrades to provide security for them so-called thulo comrades! Ajhai pani pugey nuh.... rastra ko dhukuti nai loot-noo parney lai abuh kay bhanney? The Great Commander has not moved out yet... because his secretary, Samir Dahal hasn't found any ghar shar rey!

The Emperor is looking for a house with at least 10-15 gaadi parking gar-naw milney jagga! Now, where the @#$! are you going to get that kind of land in the middle of the city? 

Why doesn't he move out.... and go to Lakuri Bhanjhyang instead? He will have plenty of space and he can host daily picnic seek-nik for his foreign handlers, chamchas and other politicians who want a piece of the loot!

The Lazimpat Palace chahi Rs 25 crore ma kinya rahecha! Prachandoo Sarkar thinks that we are all convinced that he was only paying rent sent ...just because he says so.  

If he really wants to live like the masses then he should get a one-room apartment... Amrika ma studio apartment bhanya jastai! Then he can spend a month or two reading them Japanese books on how to fit everything, from your laakh-o-parney bed, gas cylinder, cooking stove, fridge, sofa ... sabai euta sano kotha ma!

Instead of getting free fuel from NOC, free cooking gas cylinder from them chor-gas bottlers and free paani from some private tanker.... his wife should wake up at 3 in the morning and check if there is any paani coming out of them khanepani ko pipe sipe.

He should go to the local gas dealer ko dokan everyday and beg the sahuji to give him another cylinder.  Ani tyes pachi .... sukila mukila ko kura garam ho chairman saheb! Sabai comrade haroo ko rato moto gaala.. janta ko tuh mukh nai suki sakyo abuh gaala ko tuh kay kura garoom ho!

If he can't find a decent mansion and 1 ropani jagga for them parking sarking then he should save his money (party ko paisa uskai paisa...) or since he is fluent in Hindi and has a double PhD in 'Desi-arse-kissing' ..  tyo Airtel ko natak jastai.. ' Jo Tera Hai Wo Mera Hai' ... bhanya jastai.. just crash out at Ajay Sumargi's mansion ni baroo!

Sumargi was once the khatara arse-kisser of hamro Gyanu Uncle ko son-in-law. He got some shares in Mero Mobile.. pachi bechyo.. Karodau kamayo..  ani now he is the guy behind 'Hello Nepal' ... tyo pani Ncell lai bechi-sakyo kyaaruh! The lad from Hetuada is the guy who is investing Prachandoo's lootya paisa in them hospitals, telecom, real estate and media business rey!

I think Prachandoo should get a t-shirt from Art Transfer T-Shirt House (ATTSH) that reads... 'Comrades.. all your lootya pasia are belong to me' ... hehe!

If nothing works out and he can't find his 'palace' in Kathmandu then.. why not move into the Indian Embassy nai? He will have enough parking space to fit all them stolen vehicles and he won't even have to pay rent. The Government of India will probably give him some pocket money pani... hehe!  Instead of extorting every byapari in town.... baroo extort them RAW folks ni!

Prachandoo ko gaala fullya jasto cha... dherai whiskey ko choosky lay garda hola. I think he should start walking and get some exercise. His nephew, Samir Dahal can carry the chaata (umbrella!) so that the Shree Aath Maharaja won't get wet or sunburned. 

What about them bato ghato?... sabai potholes nai... wear a gumboot or Prachandoo should try walking in stilts... after all our chairman is a class circus act hagi!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Where is Chori Maya?

Chori Maya Maharajan disappeared on February 28. She had gone to her friend Surakchya Singh aka Nikki ko ghar for some guff suff rey. Her family then received a SMS from her mobile.... she would come back home the next day after visiting Manakamana rey! The SMS was written in angrezi... and the family was surprised... because it was as if someone with a MA in English had sent the text rey!

When she didn't come back home after a few days... her family asked Nikki  but the lady told them that she didn't know where Chori Maya was. The family filed a complaint with the police and Nikki was detained for further investigation. The police told Chori Maya's family that they suspected Nikki's involvement in her disappearance.

But... a few days later, Nikki was released on bail of Rs 100,000 maatrai ... even though the police found that Nikki had borrowed Rs 5 million (50 lakhs) from Chori Maya. Then the police changed Nikki's statement at the court pani.

Why? Because Nikki happens to be Deepak Malhotra's sister rey. I don't know if she is a bhai-tika sister or a real one but anyways... she is connected to the chor byapari Deepak Malhotra.

Who is Deepak Malhotra? If you were from the 90s then you would think it's the same guy from the 'Sherpa' saaboon ko TV ad... hehe! And no it's not the Desi professor who teaches negotiations at Harvard Business School! I never went to Harvard but I do read them Business Review stuff once in a while... alchi laageko bela ma... hehe!

This Deepak Malhotra is our very own gold smuggler, dollar-LC scam artist turned property developer cum mobile phone sahuji! Nepal ma Samsung phone bechney uni nai ho... taruh dherai jaso chai Khasa batuh nai aucha tyee nakkali phone haroo... hehe!

Nepal ma yestai ho.. the smugglers have become legit byaparis now. The dons will one day become sahujis too. The netas will always be netas.... and our police wallahs are always under pressure from the netas to help the chors while the common citizens get played by the system!

Our netas need them dons to do them daang doong and the byaparis need them netas to make some profit from all them illegal activities ni. Deepak Malhotra pays a monthly levy to our Maoists rey. And no it's not like Rs 1,000 per month .... byapari haroo lay tuh Karod Sarod nai tir-cha ni!

The relatives of Chori Maya took out them rallies and what not .. they even collected 100,000 signatures to pressure the government to form a probe committee as well. Our great Dr. Saheb refused to meet Chori Maya's family and instead asked the sarkari hakim to follow up kyaaruh!

Yesterday, the relatives of Chori Maya ended their 5-day hunger strike after our caretaker government agreed to form a probe panel to investigate the disappearance of Chori Maya. The probe committee has promised to submit its report within a week rey.

I think them relatives should just aks all 'Maharjans' in the valley to unite and gherao the police station @ Hanumandhoka. Why the @#$! do we need a police station in the middle of New Road? Baroo sabai police station haroo pani Ring Road bahira nai raakhaw... mobile gasti matruh vitra kya!

I think it's time we start them 'neighborhood watch' programs in our tole sole. The cops are never on time if there is a burglary or murder or shooting etiyaadi. And somebody should start selling them watches with all them GPS nataks. At least we can find out where you are.. if you happen to get kidnapped ni! 

And the rest of us should go to Nikki's house and ask her... 'Where is Chori Maya?'. Hari Maharjan, the guitar wallah should also join us and we should all hang outside the Emperor's palace (he hasn't moved out yet!) and ask him how much Deepak Malhotra and other chor-byaparis pay him every month!

Chori Maya is a resident of Jaisidewal, Kathmandu. She's been missing for five months now. What's wrong with our police wallahs? There are more than 600 missing person cases haroo in Hanumandhoka this year rey... ahiley samma khoi kay gardai chan hamra chor-police haroo?

The police knows that Nikki is responsible for Chori Maya's disappearance. Maybe she didn't want to pay back the loan hola and she must have hired some mundrey gundas to kidnap Chori Maya. Yo tuh Sony TV ko CID hay-ray pani thaha-hooncha ni! Our competent cops only know where to nab them pickpockets, bike chors and other local gundas... aroo kaam ko laagi tuh training naw-pugya hola ni!

If the government's so-called probe panel fails to figure out what happened to Chori Maya .. then we should all get together and padlock all them police stations in the valley. Let the cops stay inside and eat their ration and play ping pong all day ... kaam saam naw-garney bhaye kay ko laagi police ko jaagir khaa-ko... siddhai mundrey gunda ko gang join garey hooncha ni!