Saturday, March 30, 2013

Burning Clown Festival

Most of our religious festivals celebrate the triumph of good over evil. Holi is one of them.  Holika couldn’t stand the bonfire while the little boy survived. In the old days, the evil doers perished while the good folks passed the test and went home.  You could pray to the almighty and things would be alright.

In today’s time,  the honest hardworking citizens find it hard to survive whereas the crooked clowns enjoy the good life by looting us all.  We are still praying for our clowns to come to their senses and do what’s right for the country.  But of course prayers are not enough in the age of ‘Kaliyug’. Petitions won’t help and pelting stones will not make any difference either. Maybe we should just ask the mothers of our clowns to get a plank and spank their sons to be ‘real’ men instead of acting like juvenile delinquents.

Holi ends with the burning of the ‘chir’ and it’s about time our event management companies around town organized bonfires as well. They could do a ‘Burning Clown Festival’ similar to the ‘Burning Man’ thing the kuireys do in the US.

The ‘Burning Man’ stuff is about radical self-expression whereas  our ‘Burning Clown’ thing could be our outlet to frustration. There isn’t much we can do to change the system. We got rid of one Maharaja and now we have hundreds.  Everybody wants a piece of the pie and the common citizens don’t even get any crumbs.

Instead of burning effigies during them bandas, we can have one whole day to burn all the effigies we want.  Our political parties can also participate and boast about who had the largest effigies and how much fuel they spent on burning it down. We can broadcast the thing live and ask viewers to vote by SMS. Whoever wins can then rule us like a despot for a year.  After all, whoever wins the unfair and not so free election will loot all they can anyway.

It would be nice if we went back to the old days and had them ‘cross-country’ race. But of course,  our clowns have forgotten to walk let alone run thanks to the free luxury vehicles they get at our taxpayers expense. The only thing running is their mouths and we still haven’t figured out how to shut them up.

Our interim government wallahs were busy playing Holi and so were the Kollywood folks but we really didn’t see any of our clowns dancing and enjoying the colors. Maybe they were all holed up somewhere or were too scared that people would throw other stuff than water and colors at them.

Our Baidya uncles and other 32 fringe parties have announced a 10-day protest program. The minnows are not happy about Khil dai sitting on the kurchi, even if it’s only for a while. After all, they should also get an opportunity to get their hands dirty. Our angry birds are now into stealing laptops from the Election Commission wallahs.

If the Baidya wallahs want to boycott the CA elections then that’s fine but why are you guys seizing laptops from them EC staff who are just doing their job of registering voters? I thought they were into seizing land and what not. But of course, it’s easier to snatch a laptop than land.

Khil dai has done us all proud by showing us that when it comes to nepotism, he thinks the same way as our clowns. Khilly has appointed Drona Raj Regmi as the Attorney General.  And Drona dai’s son is the PM’s personal assistant. Sounds like family ties but that’s how we roll in this land of ours. The Ranas left the building more than sixty years ago but we still follow their rule book when it comes to hiring our near and dear ones.

If our Emperor had his way then when he was having fun at Baluwatar then he would have made the computer operator a General in the army. But of course our Nepal Army wallahs are into fast-track promotion these days. They claim that it is scientific and transparent.  Instead of seniority, you could climb the ladder if you are a serial arse-kisser. Maybe there is a scientific way to do just that.  Even our Emperor has to run around kissing bideshi arses to stay in the game.

The only thing scientific in this country is the public transport fares.  Our civil servants and transport wallahs probably use some unsolved math theorem to come up with the fare hike every three months.

And when it comes to transparency, we all know that our clowns, civil servants and contractors are milking the system but we have no idea where the loot goes. Not everybody hides it under the bed or in their backyard. Maybe, the CIAA should organize a ‘Find The Loot’ contest and reward those who find it with 20% of the loot. Even the near and dear ones of our clowns will join the treasure hunt then.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Nepal (Chor)-Police

It looks like our great Nepal Police might need to change their motto soon.  Instead of ‘Truth, Service and Security’, maybe they should go with ‘Torture, Sexual Assault  and Abduction’.  

Sita Rai was robbed and then raped.  She is still waiting for justice but our government doesn’t have time to deal with what Dr. Saheb would have called ‘trivial matters’.

Three of our junior police officers have been arrested for abducting a byapari. They asked for 4 lakhs but the guy managed to get home after paying them 1.5 lakhs.  The only time our cops and cadres are flexible is when it comes to them extortion rackets.

The criminal cops decided to hold his bike so that he could come back with the rest of the cash. But he filed a complaint with the police and the three musketeers are now getting used to the stinky bathroom and the cold dingy cell. Thank God, we still have a few honest cops who listen to the victim’s complaint.

After all them andolans, we had expected our police wallahs to get their act right but they seem to be turning into a bunch of savages as each day passes on.  We must now be scared of the chor-police than our mundrey gundas.

At least the mundrey gundas only go after  government tenders but our cops cast their evil eyes on all common citizens and  will extort, rape and assault them if they get any opportunity to do so. Maybe Nepal Police should set up a new department , how about a  ‘Anti-Police’ squad to make sure their own folks stay in line?

The Desis have now passed a new law to protect their women against sexual violence.  The new law even provides for a death penalty against repeat offenders or if such attacks lead to the victim’s death.  The law criminalizes stalking, voyeurism and sexual harassment.  

Khil Dai should get a similar law passed through an ordinance.  And hope our good for nothing political parties will support such bills.

Our women are not safe in this country but our clowns, civil servants and so-called civil society wallahs seem to have no empathy for women’s plight. 

Our clowns are more interested to protect their own breed instead of helping the common citizens.  Our new Home Minister should issue a new directive and launch a complaint hotline to report abuses by our chor-police. The government has ordered all them ministers to upload their work online. Maybe, we can all check out the complaints against our cops online as well.

Our clowns only care about their own cadres while common citizens do not figure on their ‘priority’ list. I guess we should just stay home during the polls and see how our buffoons fare up this time. If none of us get our thumbs stained then our clowns can’t boast about any people’s mandate. 

Our comrades begged us to give them a chance during the last CA polls. Many of us said fine and voted for them just to see how they would turn out to be. Well, they turned out to be no different than the ones who came before them.

Baidya uncle and his crew have told us that they will be boycotting the upcoming CA polls.  Maybe they should hit the street and come up with ‘If you don’t vote then we will give you a note’ campaign.  While other political parties will be extorting from our fake VAT bill wallahs and other byaparis, the Baidya wallahs can ask for voluntary donation and maybe host a ‘no vote’ party for all of us.

While the political cadres go to the voting booths, we can go to a comedy show hosted by the angry birds. We should ask our comedians to do some mimicry of our buffoons. At least it will help us to forget our misery for an hour or two.

Hari Bansha dai is coming out with his memoirs next month. We are still waiting for Gyanu Uncle’s memoirs. And one day, our new Emperor should pen his memoirs too and let us know all the cool hangouts in Delhi and Noida. Hope he will be kind to share us his guff suff with the Dim Sum and Dosa folks as well.

But of course our Emperor can wait a decade or two because the way things are going in the country, our comrades will continue to make billions and they will be around for another decade until someone else shows up to take the kurchi.

And once again, another convicted politician gets a hero’s welcome after his release from prison. Jaya Prakash Dai was welcomed by his supporters outside Dillibazar prison.  He was beaming with pride as if he was elected the new Prime Minister. 

In all other places, convicted politicians are ashamed to show their faces in public but in this land of ours, the crooks get garlands and common citizens have no choice but to move to them foreign lands.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Khil takes the pill

We all know that our civil servants are incompetent buffoons but we should not be harsh on them for giving us a public holiday to celebrate Gyalpo Losar even though our Sherpa brothers and sisters celebrated the occasion nearly a month ago.

In this age of the New Republic, it is certainly tough to keep track of all festivals celebrated by different ethnic communities. Hope we will have a Ministry of Holidays when we get a real government in the future.

The Holiday Minister’s job will be to celebrate each public holiday with the respective community and we can save taxpayers money if we ask those who are celebrating to fund the minister’s chiya kharcha and fuel expenses as well.

Instead of giving us all a public holiday, why not just let the respective community celebrate their festivals whereas the rest of the civil servants can go back to work and provide the much needed services to the common citizens. 

The Hindus can celebrate Dashain and the other civil servants from different religious backgrounds can go to work then and can take days off for their festivals.

Deep Purple is not coming to town.  The organizers tell us that the English rock band decided to fly back to London from Singapore because they did not want to deal with all the bandas in this land of ours.  

Or is it because our organizers couldn’t sell enough tickets to pay their appearance fee? Whatever the reason, we should let all them international acts know that our bandas last until 5pm and they can always begin their show after 6.

If our organizers really want to make some serious dineros then they should bring Justin Bieber to Kathmandu. Our tweens will certainly be there and they will pay premium price to see the Canadian YouTube wonder.  

So, better hurry up before Bieber burns out and goes into rehab. I would love to see Mumford & Sons play in Kathmandu this year or even Adele would be nice since 98% of Facebook users in Nepal seem to like her Fan Page and they would probably sell their laptops to watch her perform.

The Catholics got a new Pope. The Cardinal from Argentina will now be called Pope Francis.  And we got ourselves a new Prime Monster.  Maybe we should start with a new tradition of having our Prime Monsters’ come up with a new name. Why only let the comrades have the fun with their pseudonyms? 

If Khil dai was allowed to have a new name then what would it be?  Our Emperor should change his name to 'Jadoogar' because he seems to come up with new magic tricks every fortnight. 

Dr. Saheb can change his name to ‘Bulldoze’ because the only thing that has widened in his reign is our roads in the valley. Now we can park anywhere we like until the NEA wallahs finally move the electricity poles a few meters away. 

Khil dai was sworn in by our beloved President, who must now know the oath of secrecy and other swearing-in nataks by heart. Once he’s done playing the President,  he can even moonlight as the swearing-in master for other social organizations as well.

But of course, our taukeys won’t need to find a second job like the Amriki Presidents. We give them life-time supply of vehicles, security and other kharchas. Khil dai will get all them benefits after he leaves office. Maybe he should get two of everything because our former Chief Justices and Prime Monsters get all them state perks. 

Well, Baidya Uncle and his crew are just getting started. After all, they want to show us that they have what it takes to shut down the country. Our Baidya-badis and the other fringe parties decided to call a banda after Khil dai was sworn in as the new head of the interim election government. 

Our political parties do care about our students. They decided to call the banda at 12pm so that our SLC candidates would get an hour to get home. But of course, our clowns don’t want to mess with angry parents of half a million students. And as usual, we hear about rampant cheating and fake invigilators.

If our political parties are looking for future cadres then they should recruit all those expelled for cheating during the SLC exams. After all, the cheaters will not get far academically but will have a bright future in Nepali politics.

It’s near to impossible to conduct the new CA election by mid-June. We all know that Khil dai and his crew will be enjoying their perks till December. And now we have our former civil servants running around town lobbying with the political parties to be mini-sinisters. 

Dr. Saheb entered Baluwatar with a Mustang but decided to leave on a Scorpio. It would have been nice if he had left on a rickshaw so that he could finally breathe in some dust from his biggest accomplishment as a Prime Monster.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Even Bhagwan has to step aside…

Dr Bhagwan Koirala has resigned as the director of  TU Teaching Hospital.  If Bhagwan can’t save the government hospital then I don’t know who can.  Our incompetent clowns are not looking for a few good men and women.  They just want a political lackey to skim off the funds to enrich himself, his crew and his party.

Bhagwan Dai managed to turn around the hospital in three months. He stopped paying bogus over-time to incompetent employees. He even managed to save Rs 7 million per month. But our lazy bums don’t want a hardworking chief to lead the way. They want a con artist who knows how to waste and squander the funds.  Bhagwan Baba alone cannot fight them forty thieves.

At the end of the day, it’s them incompetent freeloaders who win the battle in this land of ours.   The good ones just have to step aside and let the fools run the show.  Shouting slogans and hanging outside Baluwatar will not make our clowns see the light. Maybe we should just all go on a hunger strike to change the tide.  

But even that might not work because our buffoons are cold-hearted serpents. But we can get noticed by the Guinness World Records wallahs and we could also test the government’s emergency response system and how they will handle thousands of dehydrated protesters.

Baidya uncle and his crew want a share of all them property owned by the UCPN (Maoist).  Maybe, they should just move in and occupy a third of them buildings.  Instead of shutting down the country and making our lives miserable, why not just ask for 30% of all voluntary donations collected by the Emperor and his courtiers.

Our Emperor has now promised the families of the Madi  bomb blast victims Rs 6 million from his own party’s dhukuti after he failed to get some free cash from Rastra ko dhukuti.  But of course, we will have to wait and see if our comrades really want to provide compensation or it’s just another political gimmick for the week.  And if they really do provide the funds then let us all know if it was in cash or cheque?
The Baidya wallahs  want to go back to the ‘land grabbing’ formula. It’s much easier to capture land then capture state powers.  Just eye the biggest plot, gather a bunch of angry birds and plant your party’s flag. And the communists have it easy because they don’t have to wrack their brains to come up with a cool logo. 

It’s the same standard hammer and sickle stuff. Our comrades should also ask the land owner to sign a ‘voluntary lease agreement’ for a Rupee as well.  At least, then it will look like more of a business deal.
Let us all hope that our comrades will use them land for fish farming. Their cadres will get jobs and valley residents can enjoy fresh fish instead of the usual ‘injected’ones from across the border. But our political parties are not interested to create employment or get into businesses. All they can think of is how to extort some dough from the fake VAT bill wallahs.  It’s much easier and all it takes is a phone call and maybe a visit to the voluntary donor’s office for a quick chat.

The bandas are here to stay. We will all have to learn to live with it. Our political parties may forgo their chances to occupy Baluwatar but they will never allow bandas to be banned. But it’s about time to introduce a quota system for them bandas. 

We should allow only one banda per week at max.  Our government can open a new ‘banda’ ministry and our political parties should book their dates at least a month in advance.  It would be nice if we allocated only ‘Sunday’s for banda-kartas.

If your party could not get the third Sunday of the month then better luck next time. And we could have a two-day weekend and maybe productivity will hit the roof. But of course, the only time our civil servants will be productive is when you pay them ‘chiya kharcha’ to move the paperwork from one desk to another.
Binod Chowdhary is in the Forbes Billionaire List.  Now, all our political parties will probably ask him for voluntary donations in dollars instead of Rupees.  Since we now know that he has investment in hotels across the world, our clowns will probably ask for a free night stay if they are nearby. 
Did Nepalaya just get lucky or they knew in advance that our Chow Chow king would be on the List? I think they should also come out with an English version soon.  Binod dai should promise to donate most of his wealth to charity and then he can hang out with Warren Buffet and Bill Gates and get them to eat Wai Wais as well.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Immoral Police

Our Nepal Police is back with a vengeance to get rid of all hooligans in the capital. The great folks in blue searched snooker houses, temples, jungles and other so-called secluded corners to get hold of them hooligans.

I guess someone forgot to tell them that if they really wanted to arrest them mundrey gundas then they don’t have to look all over the place. Just visit our netas’ homes and you will find a dozen of them lounging around waiting for their new assignments. 

All of our mundrey gundas are affiliated to one party or another. But of course, our police wallahs want to play safe and arrest young lads with long hair, tattoo or wearing earrings.
So far, our incompetent cops have arrested more than 700 folks in the city for having long hair, tattoos and wearing earrings. Maybe the Barbers’ Association must have conspired with our police wallahs to launch this new security drive. Why are our cops acting like them Talibans?
I hope our cops will leave superstar Rajesh Hamal alone. If all long-hair ones are criminals then we should not allow Indian gurus to visit the country. I have yet to see a Desi Swami with a crew cut.
It would have been nice if the Indian spiritual guru Ravi Shankar had enlightened our police wallahs that having a long hair isn’t bad at all. After all, the long-hair guru had one of his talk thing at the National Police Academy. 

Our netas and civil servants seem to listen to them Desi gurus rather than the general public. So maybe, we should ask them Desi spiritual leaders to conduct a workshop on how to speak and act like a decent human being.
Chhori Maiya Maharjan has been missing for over a year. So far, our police wallahs have no clue on her whereabouts.  Our cops are only good at arresting petty criminals whereas the dons are under the protection of our honest Home Minister.  

If our police officers want to get promoted then they are asked to call the Don from Kavre. No wonder, the good ones are left over and the incompetent cops with boras full of cash are promoted by the Home Ministry.
So, if you have a long hair and wear earrings then you have only two options to prevent our hardworking cops from harassing you. One, just wear a bandana with a hammer and sickle logo. It works like a cop repellent. 

If the cops want to know why there is a bunch of red bandanas hanging inside a snooker house then just tell them that you are leading a local ward meeting of some communist party.
If you are not interested in the ‘political’ natak then you can follow the second option, choose the ‘spiritual’ one. Just wear some Hindu religious garb and gather around the local pasal. Whenever, you see a police van, jump in the air and begin an impromptu bhajan session.  Our cops wouldn’t want to mess with that. 
Them young folks with long hair were photographed, finger printed and their guardians were called up for no good reason. It would have been better if Nepal Police does the same for the ‘real’ hooligans instead. 

Whenever our cops launch some kind of a drive to nab them gangsters, not even one of them is at home. While most of us can’t seem to get hold of our families and friends due to the useless mobile network, our cops must have satellite phones to inform the gangsters to get out of their house before they come barging in.
Sunil Babu Pant should be given some kind of an award for returning his entire salary he received as a CA Member. Maybe, he had to do so to renew his organization’s registration but it is a pretty cool gesture. Since we will be having another good-for-nothing Constituent Assembly again, maybe we should ask all our former CA clowns to return their salaries.
The country is sinking and our Emperor and his Missus are busy boating in Fewa Taal. While we can’t afford to take a break, our clowns drive up to them resorts or visit foreign lands to get their groove back. It’s fun to be a neta in this land. They get to enjoy the good life while we are still waiting for something good to come out of all this mess.
And let us all feel bad for Inspector Binod Sharma who had the guts to investigate the murder of Dekendra Thapa. Our Home Ministry promoted 58 Inspectors to DSP this week. Sharma was denied promotion even though he was 8th in the list.  If only had Sharma listened to his senior officers and had done nothing in Dailekh then he would have been promoted to DSP. 

Maybe it’s time to police the police. But who will round up them cops who dress shabbily, pick their noses and chew paan parag and spend half their duty time talking on mobile phones? Our IGP saheb could do us a favor if he introduced a fine system for our cops who are drunk on duty , use foul language and act like hooligans.

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