Saturday, October 26, 2013

A Mad Man's Manifesto

Our political parties think that we, the common people are fools.  That's why they keep on making outlandish promises during election season and expect us to believe them.  We have seen what our clowns are capable of and yet we continue to hope that they will mend their ways and finally get this country on track. 

The road widening project is a clear example of how things are run in this country.  The Lazimpat-Maharjgunj area has them Embassies and the President's House. Gyanu Uncle also lives in the area and so does our Emperor. But it seems that it doesn't make any difference to our Thulo mancheys. After all they all ride in them luxury vehicles and don't have to walk or take public transport.

Our netas come up with outrageous plans to make this land of ours a developed country within a decade. Even the fortune teller in Ratnapark thinks it's not possible and would rather let the parrot fly away then make the bird pick up fortune cards and rip off the public.

Well it's already been more than two decades and we are still waiting for water from Melamchi so that we can take a shower without worrying if we will have enough water left to wash our clothes. We are still waiting for the 10,000 MW of electricity our parties promised us five years ago.

The Nepali Congress and CPN-UML have promised us that Nepal will be a developed country in ten years and yes, once again, we will have 10,000 MW of electricity by then. Our Emperor and his party are hoping to rule us for the next 40 years. Maybe that’s why they have come up with a 40-year-plan to make Nepal a superpower.

The Maoists could have just copied and pasted some of the stuff from the Chinese Communist Party's playbook. The Chinese change their leadership every ten years.  If our Emperor can promise us that he and his chums will step down after ten years and retire in Rolpa then maybe we would give them another chance to make it right. 

If our netas can't come up with any new economic policy then just follow what the Desis and the Dumpling gang did many decades ago. Our political parties don't want foreign investment in the country. They are just happy receiving chump change from foreign hands for their own party and cadres.

If we were to follow the Emperor's plan then Nepal will be a middle-income country in the next twenty years. The Maoists hope to make Nepal a high-income country after that. The only folks who will have high income then will still be them contractors, civil servants and cadres. The rest of us will be left high and dry.

The Maoist manifesto tell us that our comrades plan to achieve such growth through intense development. Yes, maybe if all our political parties can mobilize their cadres to work in our farms then we can at least minimize imports of agro-products from our chimekis.

In the next 40 years, our per capita income will be US$ 40,000 if all goes well according to our Emperor's economic revolution.  You can get a few annas of land in the outskirts of the valley with that money now. In the next 40 years, you will probably get an inch of the same land.

So why not just raise our hopes high and tell us that all of us will be making at least a million dollars by then. That would be possible only if we were all hired as personal assistants to our netas.

Our comrades also plan to end load shedding problems within three years.  The only way it will be possible is if the government gives us all free generators and fuel. The Nepali Congress and the CPN-UML plans to produce 5,000 MW of electricity in the next five years.  

Maybe our major political parties should just invest their funds earned from extortion, bribes and shady deals into our hydropower projects and bring an end to the load shedding natak. But our netas are only interested to loot the state coffer and enjoy free lunch.

Our political parties plan to create hundreds of thousands of jobs in the next few years. The Maoist are going a step further and will eliminate unemployment in the next 15 years.  Our manpower companies better start diversifying their investment because if that happens then there won't be any dough left to make by sending our young folks to foreign lands to work under inhumane conditions. 

And maybe it's time to shut down the Nepal Tourism Board (NTB) and save millions of Rupees in promoting Nepal overseas because our political parties have their own master plan to attract millions of tourists to our land.  

We don't know how our clowns will achieve all their promises but we now know that they are not only corrupt and incompetent but also crazy and delusional as well. Our clowns should seek psychiatric help instead of even thinking about governing this country.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Incompetent Idiots

The common citizens are broke because they spent most of their savings during Dashain.  Half of us had to take out loans so that we could buy a khasi and gifts for our loved ones. 

But the corrupt clowns are flushed with cash and ready to dole out the dough to their cadres and mundrey gundas so that they can either capture the booths or get as many votes as they can through distribution of notes. 

Now you know why you couldn't find new bank notes this Dashain.

The only folks who made a killing during Dashain were our taxi wallahs. It would have been nice if the government had offered free bus services in the valley for Tika. But as usual, the common folks ended up paying four or five times more the usual taxi fare to receive tika from their loved ones. 

Yes, even the cabbies have to make some money but charging a thousand Rupees for a trip that cost less than two hundred is pure day-light robbery.  

Maybe we should make it mandatory for all our hakim sahebs and politicians to at least use public transportation once a week. Maybe then they will feel our pain and come up with new laws to help us from getting ripped off.

When was the last time our Emperor used public transport to visit Chitwan? He will probably never use public transport again in his life because he gets a SUV and free fuel from the government. It's nice to get all them benefits for spending only 9 months in Baluwatar. 

We should move the capital to Rolpa and then our clowns can walk up and down the hill to attend all them meetings. 

Dr. Saheb decided to show us all that he didn't care much for a Japanese vehicle and decided to use a 'Mustang'. But the rest of his cabinet weren't impressed with Ali Baba and decided to use the gas-guzzling SUVs instead. If they had an ounce of shame then they would have downgraded to small compact cars. 

Let's hope that  Dr. Saheb will only use public transport if he gets to become our Prime Monster again.  
Kantipur TV should come up with a show where our politicians take up a job of a citizen for a day.  Our Emperor can work in a hospital as an orderly. 

And when angry relatives storm the hospital and go on a rampage, blaming the doctors for negligence, maybe then he will see the light and carry out much-needed  reforms in our hospitals. Instead of vandalism, there should be an independent commission to investigate medical malpractice cases and those burning things up should face heavy fines and lengthy jail term as well. 

But of course, our political parties will not support such laws because if they did then nearly all of their cadres would be in jail because they are only good at demolition.  

All those affected by the road widening project who still have to demolish their homes should hire them cadres. Maybe at least once in their life, they will understand what work is.

Dr. Saheb  could take up a job as a jeep driver to Mustang, driving a 'Mustang' and when he is surrounded by villagers threatening to burn his jeep for trying to pick up passengers in their area then he will at least find out how our transport syndicates now own our roads. 

6,139 folks are contesting in the upcoming Constituent Assembly (CA) election under the first-past-the-post system for 240 seats.  It looks like majority of the buffoons who are standing up for the CA election don't care if they lose their deposits. Maybe they just want to tell their grandchildren someday that they too stood up for election a long time ago. 

We have only 630 women candidates under the direct election system.  It's about time our mothers, sisters, wives and girlfriends got together and opened an only-women political party.  If every other lazy and crazy bums have their own political party then why aren't our hardworking  women thinking about starting a political party of their own?

We have more than 1,000 independent candidates who would be happy to get a handful of votes.  Some of them might receive a bora full of cash to drop out but most of them are in it just because they really don't have anything else to do. So why not be a candidate and have your 15 minutes of fame or shame or enjoy the game while it lasts? 

It would also be a good time to know your chimekis. Visit their homes and enjoy a cup of chiya and use it as some kind of a networking time. By the time you are done with visiting every homes in your constituency, you will know whom to call when you need to fix your sink, or which dentist to visit to take out your wisdom tooth. 

If you live in rural areas then you will probably get a bunch of witch doctors who would rather ask you for chickens whereas in the cities, you could make friends with rich doctors who could contribute some cash for your election campaign.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Happy Dashain!

The only person who is going to have fun this Dashain is our former Home Minister Khum Bahadur Khadka. The guy spent more than a year in prison and he is not ashamed of it. He must still have quite a lot of dough left in his backyard.  

Khum Dai must have spent at least a million Rupees to gather his cadres to welcome him after his release from Dillibazar Jail on Wednesday. 

Instead of slipping away quietly, the clown had to show us all that he still has money and muscles. In this land of ours, clowns who are convicted of corruption and spend some time in jail seem to believe that it is kind of a plus point for them. 

As usual, convicted politicians cook up their own conspiracy theories and blame others. We still have yet to get a politician who is convicted of corruption to apologize for his or her sins.

Maybe our court wallahs need to increase the fine and the jail term as well. A former mayor of Detroit has been sentenced to 28 years in prison for corruption. Yes, even in Amrika, they have a few corrupt politicians. Here, we have a few honest ones and most of them don't get the tickets to stand up for election. 

It's very hard to talk about ethics and morality when most of your own party members are only worried about making as much moolah as they can while in power.

Let's all hope that next time a corrupt politician is sentenced to jail, he or she will serve at least a decade or two in prison. And instead of giving them special privileges, the convicted politician should be the one doing all the dishes and the laundry in the jail.

Khum Dai's paid fans welcome him as if he had been elected the Prime Minister.  The traffic in the valley was disrupted due to the rally. Maybe it would be better if our CDO sahebs in the valley at least come up with a rule that makes it mandatory for anyone to first get a permit before they take out a rally. 

And what’s up with the corrupt clown wearing a garland weighing over a quintal? Hope the garlands will be re-gifted to his supporters so that they can use it for Dashain.  

Our goat traders sold more than 20,000 goats this week. Our state-owned Nepal Food Corporation (NFC) sold only 1,600 goats through its fair price outlets. I think another 1,600 goats must have died in their godowns. And then the goats came back from dead and were delivered to the homes of our clowns, civil servants and cops. 

And most of the goats must have been purchased by our contractors because if they don't make the hakim sahebs happy during Dashain, then they won't be getting further contracts in the future.

The Libyan Prime Minister was briefly abducted by armed gunmen a few days ago.  Maybe our government wallahs should send our security personnel to teach the Libyans how to protect their top clowns. 

Our security personnel have failed to curb crimes and protect the public but they are good at stopping the traffic and making us cringe with their blaring sirens when our clowns get on the road. And the security detail drives in such a hurry as if the clown inside the vehicle badly needs to find a loo to pee.

In this age of Republic, the only folks who feel secured and are better off than four years ago are our clowns, cadres and contractors.  The rest of us have to just grind our teeth, pay more for everything and get on with our lives. 

And Baidya Ba has surprised us all by announcing that his party will not resort to violence during the upcoming Constituent Assembly election. It's very hard to believe the angry birds. A while ago, they had demonstrated their hammering skills by breaking a mock ballot box with a hammer. 

Now, they plan to peacefully persuade the  public to boycott the poll. I guess our foreign donors must have spent some dough providing anger management training to the angry birds. Or maybe they just looked at their financial books and couldn't find the funds to buy hammers and sickles.

Happy Dashain to everyone. Please drink, eat and gamble in moderation unlike our clowns who love to drink bidhesi whiskey till they drop,  gorge like they haven't  eaten since last year and gamble our future away so that they can make some few more Rupees.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Ready to Rumble

It looks like Dashain has come early for our incompetent clowns. Our so-called visionary netas were all happy to file their nomination papers for the upcoming Constituent Assembly (CA) election.  

Most of them were wearing tikas, khadas and wearing garlands of flowers as if they had just come home after fighting a big battle with their invisible enemies.  If there is a shortage of flowers for the festival then we now know whom to blame. 

Let us hope that they will tone down the celebration when some of them will win from their respective constituencies.  While common citizens are worried about where to get some dough to buy a Khasi for Dashain, our clowns and their cadres are busy calculating how much Dashain dakshina to collect voluntarily from our fake VAT bill wallahs, shady contractors and corrupt civil servants. 

After all, you need notes to win the votes. And if the cadres don't get their chiya kharcha then they will probably help your opponent to win the election instead.

Our Emperor is once again battling it out in two constituencies and so is Dr. Saheb and other top leaders from the other political parties. Even Makune has not lost hope. He lost in two constituencies in the previous CA election and still became our Prime Monster. If he loses again then we hope to see him as our President.

Our Emperor will be facing a wrestler, the 'Himalayan Tiger', a slapper, who managed to at least get up close and personal with the Emperor and other weaklings in Kathmandu Constituency No 10.  The 'Himalayan Tiger' should challenge his opponents to face him in the ring. 

Our Emperor will probably send a bunch of cadres instead. After all, he is not someone who is going to play by the rule. And the slapper will probably win a few sympathy votes but at the end of the day, King Kong will use his supernatural powers to get elected.

The big boss has all the money and muscles and he is more than likely to win from both Kathmandu and Siraha. And then he will probably vacate the seat from Siraha and the EC wallahs will have to conduct another election and waste more money.  

Let us hope that the EC will ask the government to amend the laws in the future and bar candidates from standing up for election from two constituencies.  

Dr Saheb is not happy with being the King of Gorkha, he now wants to be the Governor General of Rupandehi as well. He will probably win from both places and he will leave Rupandehi and we will have another election to choose another clown to have fun at the CA.

In this land of ours, it's not about winning the hearts and minds of the voters. It's all about hiring mundrey gundas and making sure that even the dead folks get to cast their ballot. Our political parties will continue to extort from byaparies for them elections and then loot the state treasury when in power. 

Across the border, our beloved Laloo Prasad Yadav is going to jail. It has taken the Desis this long to go after their netas. So don't expect our current batch of clowns to land in jail anytime soon.  Laloo was once the 'King of Bihar' and his stint as the Railway Minister won accolades from around the world. 

But all looting must come to an end someday. And it's Laloo's time to go away. Maybe one day, we will have a special court that will finally gather all the evidence needed to show us all that our clowns are nothing but crooks masquerading as our leaders. 

Let's all feel sorry for our Kollywood star Bhuwan KC. I guess the Unidentified Moronic Losers don't like his acting skills. Bhuwan dai should have joined the Maoists instead. But his 'romance' skills would look lame compared to that of our Crown Prince. 

Thank God, the polygamist Prince didn’t get a ticket or else he would have been updating his Facebook status every few minutes. But his lover seems to have won the heart of our Emperor. So even if the son is no good, the new buhari seems to enliven the mood. 

And the Emperor should spin it and tell the media that the only reason he decided to dole out the tickets to his daughter and daughter-in-law is because he wants more women representation in the CA.

Our clowns have no remorse that because of their stupid nataks, we are spending billions again to conduct the CA election. And we will spend a few more billions to pay their salaries for another few years and we are not even sure if they will finally manage to come together to write a constitution. 

Our new CA clowns should do us all a favor and forgo their salaries and perks this time around. Maybe then they can take all their time on their own dime to figure everything out.