Sunday, August 31, 2014

Fasting for Good Health

Goddess Parbati fasted and wished for Lord Shiva as her hubby.  Her dreams came true. But we are humans and most of us are not that lucky. And we really don't have all the free time as our Gods and Goddesses. 

Looking at the present state of our country's affairs, even the Gods must be ignoring us and have left us with only demons to deal with, who seem to have no empathy for the needy. 

Married women fast on Teej so that their husbands can live till 80 whereas unmarried woman fast so that they can get their 'dream' husband.  If fasting could lead to bagging the man of your dreams then many Nepali women would have been married to either Bollywood or Hollywood celebrities by now. 

We should also learn to fall in love with our Nepali celebrities instead of only lusting after Bidhesis. Rajesh Hamal is already taken and there was probably be a little less fasting for him this year. 

Instead of fasting for beer-bellied husbands, our Teej-celebrating women should take them to the gym.  You can't just expect your hubbies to live longer even if he continues to smoke, drink and eat everything fried.  

Make him do at least 50 push-ups in two minutes every day. Don't expect him to have a six-pack abs in six months and don't make him wear outfits fit for twenty-year olds when he is already forty-two. 

You can still be healthy without the abs and the 'young' outfits may look great on them Bollywood heroes but in real-life, a thirty-year-old in tights is okay if you are a Nepali rock-star but if you are not then, one should be wear baggy pants and bigger t-shirts to hide one's belly. 

And for unmarried women, if you are one day hoping to have a great husband then don't accept Facebook friend requests from a friend of a friend. A friend is okay but his friends will be more creepier than you thought.

If you want to live longer then you will need to exercise, quit smoking and drink in moderation.  But if you are a politician in this land of ours then you do not need to follow the "longevity" formula because we, the taxpayers are here to fund your luxurious lifestyle and medical treatment abroad.

Our political parties host tea parties during Dashain and waste millions of Rupees extorted from fake VAT-bill byaparis, contractors and con artists. Why don't our buffoons organize 'Teej' parties instead?   

All of our useless political parties have women organizations and why are our women leaders not interested to host a dance party for our ladies once a year?

Once for a change, it would be nice to see our corrupt politicians fasting and serving seven-course meals to women invitees.  Let the women dance and our freeloaders can do the dishes and clean up the venue after the event.

Our political parties could have hosted 'Teej' events and send their women cadres to the flood and landslide-affected districts to help the victims and their families. But our politicians are only interested to get more dough from the state treasury so that they can pay their own bills. 

In times of such natural disasters, our government and civil servants are busy forming committees to study how to help the needy next year instead of carrying our relief works now.

Every year, millions of Rupees are spent on making new music videos and releasing 'too hot to handle' Teej songs. The only folks who seem to be making the dough are music studios, music video directors, party palaces, the saaris and kurtawalahs and our beauty parlor didis. 

Many women don't even drink a drop of water during fasting.  Now, that's very wrong. Not taking anything solids for a day is okay. After all, your body needs some rest once in a while but no liquids will only make you dehydrated and after all that dancing is over, your head will spin and your knees will buckle and you will need bed rest for a few days. 

Then, your husband will probably will lose ten pounds because no one is there for him to cook a great meal and the only thing he knows is how to make Wai Wai, that too dry only with chuira, masala, onions and tomatoes . 

So, if you want their husbands to live longer then teach him how to cook. And one day, he can be a great chef and could come in handy if both of you decide to go abroad. Open a Nepali restaurant, the hubby can cook and the Mrs can organize a Teej festival.

Let’s hope that next Teej, our women will not buy new saris or kurtas and won’t spend a month of their savings in threading and making up their hair and what not. Let's save the money for a vacation in the winter. Yes, we need to promote domestic tourism instead of eating Pad Thai only.

What this country needs now is not women dancing and fasting for their husbands and future husbands' longevity but women who can lead and kick our bunch of useless men out from politics so that we can have mothers, sisters and wives leading us to prosperity instead of ruin.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Dividers, not Uniters

Our Emperor is not happy with General Rocky Katwal's memoir.  After all, if our comrade chairman had not resigned for not being able to sack Katawal back in the day then maybe we could have had a constitution by now and we would not be wasting billions of Rupees feeding our CA members for the second time. 
Katawal claims that he could have been having a good time attending Fashion Week parties in New York City if he had followed the Emperor's advice of quitting and becoming an Ambassador to the UN. 

If he had chosen France, then he would have been invited to wine tasting parties every other week. But the General decided to stay put and not be tempted by such offers and here we are, with a memoir and lot of cursing from the comrades.

Our Emperor claims Rocky was influenced by 'external forces'.  But as usual, like all other politicians, he too refuses to reveal who these external forces are.  

Our politicians and civil servants are all influenced by bideshis.   The blue-plated vehicle wallahs can park their cars anywhere they want and get away with it.  It's a shame that we, the common folks are treated as second-class citizens in our own land whereas the bideshi donor-wallahs get the VIP treatment. 

Bideshi Ambassdors can directly meet with our politicians and civil servants and tell them what to do.  Let's hope that one day our Ambassador to the US will get to meet Amriki politicians and tell them what to do. Maybe, our ambassador can one day influence the US Presidential election. 

Well, that can happen maybe in a Hollywood movie someday but our netas will be continued to bossed around by external forces for many more years to come. 

We had expected our Emperor to be a Mandela who would unite us all but like others who had come before him,  he got caught up with making his near and dear ones happy instead of working for the people.  

Our clowns only talk about the past and not the future because they themselves are not sure where they will be in the next four years. 

Our CA members are wasting billions whereas our flood and landslide victims across the country have yet to receive relief materials. Our incompetent government has once again showed us that they can get things done only when a VVIP comes to town but for common folks, everything moves in a slow motion.  

Thousands of folks in the mid-western region have been displaced by the floods and landslides but our Prime Monster is busy shaking hands with those who donate to the Prime Minister's Fund to help the victims. 

You can also get to meet our PM if you donate at least Rs 50,000. It's funny that some of our media tycoons who haven't paid their employees for the past year have been donating a Lakh to the PM's Disaster Relief Fund.  It's a good thing to contribute to charity but at least pay your staff first. 

The West is being rocked by the Ice Bucket Challenge and we already have Bill Gates to George Bush doing their bit to raise awareness and funds for ALS.  

But we are short of water and instead of being dumped with a bucket of ice water, our celebrities, civil servants, contractors and CA Clowns should take a dip in the swollen rivers across the country and help to distribute relief materials to the victims as soon as possible. 

I think our CDO sahebs in the affected districts should be spanked for not allowing many local charities and social organizations to distribute relief materials on their own.  

The District Administration Offices in the affected areas plan to distribute relief materials and help the victims only after they collect concrete data  of the losses. And our CDO sahebs want the relief materials distributed from a single source so that they can separate the stuff that can be distributed to the victims and ones that can be kept for themselves.

Our Home Minister is busy visiting the CDOs in the affected districts and spending taxpayers money on his chopper rides but he does not have time to visit the victims and their families.  

Our incompetent government can clear all road dividers in the capital in a day so that Modi and his entourage can speed their way around the citywithout any obstruction. But the government is not interested to help the citizens who have lost their families and homes to the floods and the landslides. 

This is the time when we should all unite and do our bit to help the landslide and flood victims across the country. Our politicians should stop blaming each other and our civil servants should stop slacking off.  Our political parties have hundreds of thousands of cadres doing nothing but hanging out at local chiya pasals and reading tabloids. 

Maybe, they should take some training on rescue and relief operation and help in times of natural disaster instead of only burning tyres and hurling stones at each other. If our hooligans knew how to make the used tyres into rafts then it would come in handy during the monsoon floods. 

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Freeloaders & Freebies!

Our CA members are busy doing nothing but yet they continue to demand more perks and facilities because they think that this country owes them everything. Our freeloaders think they are entitled to all the freebies they can get because they are our lawmakers. And most of them get away with breaking the rules while our young folks get laathi-charged by our cops while standing in line.

Our incompetent buffoons now want laptops and internet access at their homes. Our clowns get paid more than Rs 70,000 per month in salary and other chiya kharcha but they seem to be short of cash and can't afford to buy laptops on their own. 

But, no they want everything for free because they are too busy to go to the nearest ATM and withdraw some cash or write a cheque. After all, only common folks pay from their own pockets whereas con artists masquerading as lawmakers get cash from the state to pay for their goodies. 

I guess our lazy bums want our taxpayers to foot all their bills. Maybe, they should also ask for 'Teej Kharcha' for their spouses from the state treasury as well. We have 'Lord Krisha's Birthday' on Sunday. Let's give our CA members a bucket full of curd so that they can celebrate Krishna Asthami. And during Indra Jatra, we should invite all of the buffoons for a 'bhoj' in the middle of Kathmandu Durbar Square. Let them drink, eat and be merry!

Our CA members want laptops and internet access at home at the expense of our taxpayers because they want to google 'constitution writing' and give us a constitution on time.  Maybe they should google 'How to beat procrastination?" instead. So why do our freeloaders need laptops and internet access at home? 

Well, maybe they want to be able to Skype their near and dear ones abroad like the rest of us. But we pay for our laptops and internet access from our own pockets whereas our CA members want to empty our pockets so that can finally learn how to use laptops and use the web to learn the difference between constipation and constitution.

Our lawmakers have decided to donate a day's salary to help the landslide victims. I think it would be better if our lazy bums decided to donate a month's salary to flood victims across the country. But of course, our lawmakers need all the cash they can get because they have to make sure that their kids and grandkids get to live a privileged life. And if they don't amass illegal wealth now, they might not get the opportunity to do so later because voters are easily swayed not by policies and visions but bundle of notes. 

Our ministers and Prime Minister are donating half of their month's salary to the flood and landslide victims. I think our ministers make millions from commissions from contractors. They should be donating millions of Rupees. 

Well, they can't donate from their own pockets because our CIAA wallahs will then want to know where they got the dough and their father-in-laws can't come to their rescue every time by telling us that most of the wealth of our ministers are dowries.

Why not have each ministry contributing a million Rupees to the flood victims fund instead? After all, our ministries spend more than Rs 100 million every year on tea, biskoot and mineral water during many chiya-paan karyakarams and useless meetings.

The government has announced Rs. 40,000 as relief to the family members of the deceased. It's a shame that hardworking, law-abiding citizens get peanuts whereas mundrey gundas who get killed in gang fights are declared martyrs and their families receive a million Rupees as compensation because they are cadres of political parties. 

And as usual, our cops have shown us that they are only good at laathi-charging innocent folks and shooting dead suspicious folks who turn out to be gangsters. And our police are either lucky or all gangsters are drug dealers because those arrested tend to be caught with a few grams of heroin as well. 

Seems like, most of our gangsters carry a pouch of illegal drugs so that they can sell it quickly on the go and buy a ticket to India. So, if you are a gangster then don't leave home without a bag of heroin because not many vendors take American Express.

We have had our one and only 'Forbes-listed' billionaire Binod Dai with his story. Then it was Hari Bansha dai who may not have billions of dollars but sure has made millions of us laugh, who came out with his story. And now, it's our former Army Chief-Saab Rocky Katawal who gets to tell his story. It would be nice if our comrade chairman had written the foreword for the General's book.

Our great Kollywood hero Shree Krisha Dai and Hollywood great Robin Williams are now in heaven. Both Shree Krishna and Williams have taught us how to live our lives fully.  The quote from "Dead Poets Society' sums up how both these greats lived their lives … " carpe diem, seize the day, make your lives extraordinary."

Saturday, August 9, 2014

How to win our hearts and minds?

NaMo came and gave our incompetent clowns a few lessons on how to win the hearts and minds of the Nepali people.  It's a shame that it takes an Indian Prime Minister to tell us what we are capable of and how much resources we have and what we can do with it to make some dough!  

NaMo is a politician and he knows how to play the public.  Our politicians should learn a thing or two from the Desi PM. Once in a while, our clowns should also get out of their gas-guzzling SUVs and shake hands with the public.  

But in this land of shortages, it would be a risky move for our buffoons. We might have a fuel shortage and it would probably piss us all if one of our netas got out of their SUV and wanted to hang out with the common folks who have been in queue for  twelve hours.

How about leaving all the security personnel at home and taking a Micro-Bus or Safa Tyampoo to work? It would be fun to hang out with Sushil Da while he takes the Tyampoo from Baluwatar to Singha Durbar.  Of course, most of us will not be able to hear what he says but just a smile, a nod and a bouncy trip will probably make our day.

Bam Dev should ride a bike around the valley and he could probably solve the mystery behind the police encounter of gangster 'Chari'.  Our police wallahs shot dead Chari a few days ago and the UML mundrey gundas are not happy.  

Even the UML  lawmakers from Dhading district now want the government to punish the police officers behind Chari's death. They even shut down the district to protest the death of a UML cadre who liked to extort, abduct and murder folks.  

Now, let us all expect the late 'Chari' to be declared a martyr and his family should be given a million Rupees from the state treasury as well. 

Most of our mundrey gundas are affiliated to our political parties and they get away with everything. Well, Chari must be unlucky or must have pissed off more people than he could handle. 

Instead of just gunning down gangsters, why not go after their godfathers who have supported them all alon?. Yes, it's time our politician stopped hanging out with mundrey gundas to win election and what not.  

All folks who have had been productive earlier by opening Facebook pages about 'Buddha was born in Nepal' will now have to shut down shop because NaMo has put an end to the controversy by telling us that this is the land of Buddha.  And that is enough to make most of us happy as if we have won the World Cup, a Nobel Peace Prize and an Oscar all at the same time.

So, if we were to follow NaMo's advice then we need to focus on herbal medicine and tourism and then laugh all the way to the bank.  Maybe, instead of selling all the Yarsagumba to Chinese byaparis, we need to process it into some kind of an energy drink and make billions of dollars from the Chinese public instead. 

The Desis don't like the fungus as much as the Dumpling gang but we could sell other herbal stuff to them and cut down the trade deficit.  

I think it's about time everyone opened their homes for tourists so that we can have home-stay program not only in the villages but in the cities as well. After all, if we can get enough guests to pay for the internet, water tanker and electricity then it would work out fine for the city folks. 

And next time, NaMo comes to Nepal, he can save some of his taxpayers money by staying with a local and eating dal, bhat , tarkari. Maybe, we should do that during the SAARC Summit this November. 

All the heads of states of the SAARC countries should be hosted by local families and instead of bullet-proof vehicles and 'Z' security, why not make them shake hands with the public all the way to the Summit venue?

So next time, our PM visits India and gets invited to address their parliament, make sure to speak a few line in Hindi and then give the full speech in Nepali, admiring everything Desi. 

Our PM should begin his speech in the Desi parliament by talking about  how much he loves Sachin, Rajnikanth and Mary Kom. That will help our PM to win the hearts and minds of the Desi folks. 

After all, Sachin is a hero for all Desis and Rajnikanth is a God for the South and Mary is an inspiration for the North-East. And don't forget to leave out the Nepali-speaking Desi population? 

Maybe, mentioning Prashant Tamang will do! NaMo offer us Rs 10,000 crores worth of soft loans. What can we offer? Let's give them 10,000 miniature replicas of our Pashupatnath Temple. And let's hope that we will have 100 million Desi tourists visiting Nepal before NaMo leaves office.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

NaMo is coming!

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi (NaMo) is coming to town. The last time we had a Desi PM on an official visit was 17 years ago. India has made a tremendous progress since then we are still stuck in the never-ending saga of grumpy clowns fighting with each other over who gets to steal more from the state treasury. 

Namo will be here on a two-day official visit this Sunday.  Maybe, we should have asked him to come on Saturday morning instead so that when our security personnel shut down our roads, we won't have to be stranded in the middle of nowhere getting sun tans while we wait for NaMo's entourage to pass us by.

The Desis have not only sent two bullet-proof vehicles for NaMo but they are also bringing in a frequency controller vehicle that will jam your mobile signals whenever the VVIP convoy is driving through your neighborhood.  

And we have our bullet-proof vehicles but since maintenance has never been on our government's priority list, the vehicles have been turned into  organic vegetable gardens instead.

I think it would be better for all of us if NaMo drove all the way from Delhi to Lumbini. Our Prime Monster and his mini-sinisters could save us a lot of money and we would not have to suffer traffic jams for a few days.  

NaMo could then take a helicopter to Kathmandu and visit Pashupatinath and save some of his taxpayers money as well. But it looks like NaMo will only get to worship Lord Shiva and not visit Lumbini and Janakpur this time. 

Our competent netas and hardworking civil servants seem to be very excited to welcome NaMo. After all, if they can make him happy then our netas will get a few development projects worth billions of Rupees and their personal aides will figure out ways to make some money off the contractors.

Our civil servants will probably get more vehicles so that they can use it to go shopping with their families on Saturdays. Our police wallahs received hundreds of vehicles for the CA Election-II. 

They should also ask for free fuel and maintenance kharcha from the Desis as well because our civil servants do not set aside funds for maintenance and the vehicles are used until it is broken. And then, it is left in the backyard of their offices where it is run over by weeds and other inedible plants.

Our incompetent government has decided to only allow state-owned media to get access to VVIP meetings. So that means, our private media wallahs will get to stay home and do their laundry and do some housecleaning as well. 

NaMo's first foreign visit was to Bhutan but he must have 'Nepal' on his mind or his secretary made a typo then. Let's hope he won't be referring us as Bhutanese when he addresses our parliament. But of course our lawmakers won't notice because most of them will be dozing off as usual. 

India is helping Bhutan with a 600-MW hydropower project and will be doling out Rs 4,500 IC in the next five years for various development projects to make the 'Happy' people much happier. The Chinese are also trying to hook up with Bhutan and the Desis don't want the dumpling gang sharing hot and sour soup recipes with the Bhutanese. 

So what kind of freebies can we expect from NaMo? Our clowns seem to have no clue and our civil servants always fail to do their homework because most of them seem to have passed their college exams copying from the other person in front of them. 

Well, everybody is saying 'Hydro' and hoping that the Desis will be foolishly generous by doling out their own money to construct the Arun III hydropower project. But there is no such thing as free lunch except for our lawmakers and civil servants. 

Everything comes with string attached. The Desi civil servants stay up all night doing their homework whereas our sarkari hakims spend their days running around ministries for promotion and lucrative postings. It would be nice if for once, our civil servants did their homework and advised our incompetent netas on how to get big favors from India without losing more in the long run.

Maybe, we should ask for free electricity to end load shedding hours for now, for at least another five years. That could help to minimize our fuel imports from India and reduce our trade deficit. 

And please give electric vehicles to our police, schools and hospitals instead of the usual gas-guzzling vehicles. If not, then at least send us hundreds of thousands of Khasis with discounts this Dashain. 

Our Prime Monster just wants to put on a smiley face and has requested our fringe parties not to carry out any protest nataks during NaMo's visit. And our so-called major political parties will be  competing with each other over who gets to be the best ass-kisser. After all, one who makes the Desis happy gets more chiya kharcha to win elections in this land of ours.

So, let's all welcome Namo to Nepal and hope he will bring enough candies to make our clowns, civil servants and contractors happy. What about the common folks? It doesn't really make any difference if NaMo or even Obama shows up in town. 

At the end of the day, it's up to our netas to do what is best for our land and we are still waiting for the day when our clowns will wake up from their coma and get this country back on track.