Saturday, January 31, 2009

Do you have AIDS?

Never been so sick in my life... my good friends are worried that I may die before the 'new' constitution of Nepal comes into play. Well, who gives a @#$! about the new constitution when there's no electricity to watch them Desi comedy shows.

Who cares about 'New Nepal' when there is no water in the house? Even the water tanker guys are now so busy that you have to be on the waiting list and I have been on that list for the past few days ... well, I think the water guys are still stuck in traffic or something! I have to run off to my cousin's house to take a quick shower.

Thank God... he lives in a swamp. Well, it used to be a swamp many years ago but now since everybody is into this land business thing, his property is worth more than Caroline Kennedy's apartment in New York. Well, umm.... she won't be the next NY senator but she doesn't have to worry about water, electricity and high speed Internet access like we do!

Let's get back to 'are u dying' crap... few of my 'bad' friends are now asking me silly questions. 'Do you have AIDS?' , asked one buffoon the other day and nearly wanted to stab him in the eye with my specs. What kind of a question is that?

Yes, I am a mean jerk and I say stupid things but I am not that mean! A friend of mine was coughing like his lungs were about to explode like them IEDs in Iraq and the same bugger says, 'Do you have TB?' ... this guy needs to get his mouth washed with soap and water. We have the soap but no water ....maybe we should wait for the rainy season!

My gastric problem is killing me. Well, I think not wanting to stop smoking more or less aggravates it but to link my throwing up daily with AIDS is like saying Late Saddam had something to do with 9-11. Well, Bush was and is a Jackass!

I have been celibate for the last 9 months. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. For some of my chums, it's a good thing. If I can wear a chastity belt like the 'Love Guru' for another three months then I can be the next 'Osho'... and for the other half ... it's a sign of being out of the top 10 ranking of being a player!

I do go for a physical every year and am excited to find out the numbers. Is my HDL still below 30? A year ago it was in the 30s. The doctor said it's bad, if you don't eat right, exercise and stop smoking then you will die of a heart attack. I don't eat red meat, I don't drink that much and I am within my BMI range... and I am supposed to get a hearty!

This year, my HDL is now in its 40s.... the doctor still thinks I should stop smoking. I asked him, 'why? are you marrying me with your daughter?' ... he laughed as if I had come up with a funny one-liner! JC... I was damn serious but I guess I am not marrying the Doc's daughter. There goes my chances of being Munna Bhai MBBS! Bye Bye Chinky!

Anyways, I went to a Bar last night and people were like , 'I heard you are dying?' and I was like 'WTF' ... just because I am drinking cranberry juice doesn't mean that I have a period!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

First Luv ? Part I

My friend asked me to write about pahilo prem... so here goes my story!

I fell in love for the very first time when I was 14. Before that I was busy playing marbles and trying to hypnotize ladies with my eyes. Well, playing marbles didn't get me any further and I guess I didn't grasp my reading of hypnosis theory.

Then I met this girl. She was 16... she went to some school in the 76th district!

Every winter when she came back home for her vacation, all the neighborhood wise guys would be on the street, dressed like @#$!ing cowboys. Well, Dingos boots were the craze in those days and I was the only bloke without one.

My choice of footwear was just plain flip flops. I liked wearing my Dad's old shirts. No, not the Rajesh Khanna types.... I think it was from Marks & Spencer but it wasn't fashionable to dress up like a preppy then!

This girl was really cool. Part of her coolness was that she only spoke Angrezi, drove her father's Japanese Gaadi and she dressed like she was going to the debutante's ball... everyday! And she was already in love with the local gang leader.

In those days, gangs were cool. You didn't fight with khukhuris, guns or rods or Chains. I think chains were used sometimes... especially after that Hindi flick 'Shiva' was released.

Even though she was dating a local guy, all of us were always trying to impress her with crazy antics. Some would climb her walls and try to throw love letters and flowers and what not. I didn't know where to begin.

Finally a group of wise guys decided that I would be the finalist in this 'who can really hook up with this girl' contest. My opponent was a slick guy, who dressed like James Dean and really was a MetroSexual even before they ever came up with that term.

I was just a skinny guy, dressed in my Dad's old clothes , wearing slippers and learning to fill my lungs with nicotine. How was I supposed to beat this guy? After days of brainstorming with my crew, I finally decided to hire a surveillance crew... a bunch of primary school boys, playing marbles all day!

They were paid in orange balls and cheap biscuits... but it finally paid off. The only routine thing about her schedule was that she liked to visit the local restaurant for afternoon snacks. I decided to have my afternoon khaja @ this joint which turned out to be a cool place.

The owners were from Darjeeling. They were very friendly... like all Dazz folks and since they figured out why I was suddenly making special guest appearances, they decided to help me as well!

After a week of seating at the next table and seriously following 'the law of proximity'... it finally clicked one day. On the eighth day, I ordered a cup of tea (as usual) and instead of sugar... someone decided to put salt. I drank it without complaining... I didn't want to sound like a whiner in front of the lady I was trying to impress!

After finishing my tea, she finally smiled and asked me about my drink. Then there was a small earthquake...not but it felt like one. I just stared at her... couldn't come up with a mind blowing reply. She drove off. I don't think it would take a PhD in pharmacology to figure out who made that 'salty' tea!

Then Archies card shop started to make tons of money. The restaurant became a post office. The owner didn't look happy. Cards, sweets, titauras and flowers and what not. A week of gifts followed and then she finally asked me if I needed something from Dazzworld.

I requested for 'Churpi' and the next week a big bag of Churpi landed on my house. It took me a week to finish it off. Well, the whole neighborhood got a piece and everybody seemed to be walking around the neighborhood as if they had swollen cheeks!

To be continued...

Monday, January 26, 2009


Chandni Chowk 2 China is what desis would call a 'bakwaas' movie! Yes, I bought the DVD for Rs 40... the DVD store is selling it with the cover inside out so that our patriotic folks won't burn down the store.

Warner Bros. spent 10 million US$ for this crap. And thanks to our political activists and the government, our Nepali distributor should be happy that he might get a refund for CC2C! Akshay Kumar will bounce back ... and he might not have to go to China again.

Instead of China, Warner Bros. would have made some money if they had moved the story to New Jersey. Akshay would be a Patel with a Motel and the story could be about how he brings his whole village to New Jersey for a nice Dandiya festival. And maybe add some fight scenes with the Sopranos. That would have clicked!

According to our Khukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, a group of businessmen are getting together and are offering our Home Minister, Bam Dev 3-4 Crore Rupees. For what? There are 2 grumpy old men vying for the IGP post and one of them is going to get the seat. Let the bidding war begin!

Yes, it's sad but true. If you want to get a nice 'get rich quick' posting then a Police Inspector has to pay Rs 3-4 lakhs to the a-holes working @ the Home Ministry. You have to pay a lakh just to get in the Police Force , so that you can spend the rest of your life cooking and cleaning for some officer and listen to his wife nagging... and his kids calling you names!

The only thing that is going up in Nepal right now are the land prices. Majority of the folks doing the buying are Maobadi karyakartas. Wonder where the money came from? Everybody wants to make the 'black' stuff ... white, why not use a Fair & Lovely cream instead?

Like many folks, I too had thought that things would get better ... I guess it will take some time but until then all's good if you are a member of the Communist Party (Maoist)... if not just stand in a corner and sulk!

I leave u with this Chinese Song... my sister listens to it and u should too!

Sunday, January 25, 2009


has now become YCDL. Yes, finally they have managed to add 'Democratic' to their brand name. Is this what we call a 'Communist Democracy' ... an oxymoron or what?

We all know that the main objective of the Mao-Masal-ist is to create a new 'communist' republic. I don't know when the final countdown begins but if they don't start now then they will be just another 'lost' party in Nepali politics.

I don't know what the YCLs are doing these days. The Load shedding has been a boon to small-time crooks who are busying stealing frying pans and Horlicks and sometimes when they are lucky then they get away with few Lakhs Rupees and few tolas of gold.

People, please deposit your dough in the bank! Buy a big bora (sack) of Salt (noon)... it would probably be too heavy for the burglar to carry all the way to wherever he came from!

It's about time, we all get together and form a neighborhood watch committee because the cops aren't helping and the YCDL is busy with something... but we have no idea what it is!

It's about time our PLA brothers and sisters as well as the NA, APF and Nepal Police get off their arses and start digging... we need roads. Yes, the roadmap for Nepal's future is roads... we need roads everywhere.

Met a kid from Jumla... he was selling timur, jimbu and all them herbs. He walked for six days then took a bus from Surkhet all the way to Kathmandu. He is now busy selling his stuff in KTM.

After his winter vacation, he is going to Surkhet then another six days of walking all the way to Jumla. We need roads so the people of Jumla can come to Kathmandu for the weekend, sell their stuff and go home for a nice party!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Bird Flu... No Clue!

A good friend of mine is happy about the 'Bird Flu'... chicken prices are going down and he can finally afford to eat chicken for lunch, dinner, snacks, late night drinking session etc.

My friend survived the last 'Bird Flu' attack and he thinks he will be fine this time again. I think he is going for a Chicken Chilly tonight. He says it goes down well with Royal Stag whisky.

'Jai Ho' ... A R Rahman is going to win an Oscar. That's for sure! I don't know if SlumDog will bag the Best Picture award but Rahman might bag two for Best Original Score and Best Song. And the 'Full Monty' guy might get one for Best Adapted Screenplay. There goes my prediction... let's see what happens on Oscar night!

UNMIN is going to stay for six more months. Why do we always need the foreigners to figure things out? I guess we can't just get along unless we get our prostrate checked by a foreign hand!

I guess we will have to tolerate another six more months of 'park wherever u like' natak by our South Americanos (UNMIN) folks! So when's this NA-PLA merger going to happen? Never. But some of our NA and PLA friends are busy looting and shooting folks.

The Maoist-Masal merger is done but many PLA folks are not happy. I think they are thinking of going back to the jungle. Maybe they should have waited a year or two. When you are in a hurry, you will always make a bad curry!

Now, KTM has become a jungle. No electricity, no water... and if our 2 million folks working abroad do have to come home then our economy will go down the drain. I guess we should all start praying for oil prices to hit $200! Maybe that can save Nepalese jobs in Malaysia and the Middle East.

So let us all enjoy a hot bowl of chicken noodle soup and do a Chicken dance for now!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Bam goes to Bangkok!

Bam Dev, our wonderful Home Minister is going to Bangkok. Few days ago, his heart went hmmmm and then his right brain went on a picnic. Therefore, he will have to go for a (medical) vacation in Bangkok! Who's going to foot the bill? You... dummy!

Former King, Mr. Gyanu Uncle is planning to shift from Nagarjuna Palace. Where will he go? I don't know but he's loaded... he can go anywhere he wants!

Poor Akshay Kumar... Chandni Chowk 2 China bombed at the Bolly-Holly and now Kollywood box office. Our Nepali brothers are all pissed off that the movie "CC2C" mentions Buddha's birthplace = India! So what... if he was born in Nepal, India or Colombia?

Many Bollywood movies have 'Bahadur' scenes. All the Bollywood Indian mobsters hide in Nepal. Why aren't our so-called 'patriot' folks protesting against these nataks? A movie is just a movie. Let it go!

Buddha was born in his own kingdom. It was neither India nor Nepal. These A-holes should protest against the ethnic cleansing in Bhutan. Go to Darjeeling and fight for Gorkhaland. Go to Terai and fight against the goondas.

It's easy to tear up posters and burn tyres. A Bollywood movie becomes a huge topic in Nepal... even our government leaders talk about it. Now, we know where the country is heading. It's heading straight to... hell!

At least (I hope!) hell has a never-ending bonfire. We don't need to worry about electricity or electric heaters. We will always enjoy BBQ and our SLC students won't be needing any candles. And maybe for entertainment, we can throw our politicians in the bonfire and let the kids burn marshmallows.

And let's not get carried away with small stuff. Enjoy the Indian Version of 'Who let the Dogs out?'

Thursday, January 22, 2009

City of Garbage!

KTM is now a garbage dump. It's been 17 days... and our municipality folks haven't picked up the garbage. The Sisdole landfill site was once again blocked by the locals. Every six months, the local folks who live near the dumping site prevent the municipality trucks from unloading garbage in the site.

Few weeks ago, a Youth Force (UML) guy got his leg chopped off by the YCL guys and the locals decided to vent their anger against the residents of KTM! Well, after the so-called negotiation... everything is okay now but the KTM municipality folks tell us that it will take a week to clear all the garbage.

So what happens if the locals decide to do a bandh after a week? Our government should open up a new ministry. Ministry for Negotiation. Yes, give the new Minister of Negotiation, a small glider. S/He can then glide around the country.

If there is a road blockade somewhere in Terai, then the master negotiator should be sent in for the talks. Where is the government? There is no law and order. All you need is a group of folks from Sisdole doing their bandh and KTM becomes a city of garbage!

The YCL and the YFs have one again started their boxing match. Pokhara was the site of the 'burn the bikes' festival. 12 bikes were burnt. Many enjoyed head banging during the festival. When will this end?

The PM met with the Indian Ambassador, Mr. Sood! And our Foreign Minister is mad @ Prachandu Da for not informing the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. I hope PM did do something to soothe Mr. Sood! This is the only nation in the world where our leaders have to go begging to foreign ambassadors.

Yes, we need the electricity and we need it bad. Next time, send our FM Yadav. Maybe he can sing in Hindi and dance around Mr Sood! We should try all options ... anything to get some Bijuli from the Desis!

And we should all ask Mr. Yadav to change the color of our passports. Yes, make it blue and just stamp 'United States of Nepal'... maybe we can fool few immigration counters around the world!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Another day in....

Nearly fell off my bed... thanks to a loud bang in front of my house! I looked out the window and there were like hundreds of people in front of the bicycle repair shop. Maybe the guy is a big Obama fan and decided to begin his day by lighting a big bad ass firecracker.

His air tank (hawa bharney machine) had exploded. Nobody died. No big hole in the ceiling. I don't know ... maybe it was made in India! But how did these people show up in less than a second -- beats me!

A jewellery shop was robbed in Lagankhel. Nobody came for help. The next door neighbor, a shoe-shop owner didn't even call the police.

When the police asked the shoe guy, he frankly said, 'I hate that guy. He used to be a shoe shop owner like me and since he has a gold shop now, he acts big and all.'

Yes, we are Nepalese! Instead of being happy for the other dude... we just pray that misfortune fall upon our neighbors!

But if a microbus hits a bike then in less than 9 seconds, you will find 500 onlookers. I think we should send these kind of folks to the Olympics. Maybe, they will win the 100 meter dash! Finally, Nepal wins a gold medal!

A burglar visited my friend's house yesterday. He only managed to get into the kitchen. And all he took is a bottle of Horlicks. Now, what kind of a thief would do that? Grab the rice cooker, pressure cooker, raid the fridge... but no, just a bottle of Horlicks. I guess the burglar just wanted some calcium.

The bicycle repair shop will have to get a new tank. And I hope the thief has finished drinking his Horlicks. Maybe he can rob the shoe shop next.

And I think we should organize a big pillow fight event between our political parties. That would be fun. Take a look at this...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Yes, We Can (Change)!

Amrika is making history today. The first black President finally gets inside the White House. Like Swami Michael Jackson used to say, "It doesn't matter if you're black or white." I guess 'green' is the color these days. After all ... it's all about the money!

Obama will need a a truck load of Advils. After all, our brother Cowboy Bushy has made a big mess. How will they get out of Afghanistan and Iraq? What will Obama do to create new jobs? Obama might need more than a single term to dig himself out of the hell hole!

Obama is lucky. He will only have to clean up the 8 year old mess! Whereas Prachanda is trying his best (right?) to clean up the 240 year old mess. It's easy to fix a 2000 Camry than fixing up a steam engine!

And Obama can't whine and bitch about not getting support from the Republicans or his fellow Democrats. He can't be a brat and threaten to resign and take to the streets. Prachanda can!

Obama will have to worry about assassination attempts. After all, not everybody likes him. Half the people don't like him and our 'White' rednecks aren't really having a BBQ today.

But our leaders don't have to worry about getting shot. Well, getting stabbed in the buttocks is nothing new in Nepali politics but you don't have to worry about getting blown away by a bazooka! Thank Guru Nanak, we don't live in the Middle East.

The Amriki government is busy doling out dollars to big businesses. It's about employment. If people lose jobs, they pay less taxes , use more government resources and stuff like that. But our government is busy handing millions of Rupees to party-affiliated NGOs. Nepotism rules and this government is no different.

The UML has the Home Ministry. All UML-loving policemen get cozy postings whereas others will have to go to rural areas. Our leaders are not interested in drafting a new constitution. They are more interested in providing jobs for their cronies. Everyone is the same. The Maoists, UML, Madeshi parties.... everyone is having fun these days!

And don't feel sorry for the Congressis or the RPPs. RPPs had fun for 30 years. But the Congressis had more fun than the RPPs. So now's the time, our revolutionary brothers and sisters get a taste of the good life!

When are we going to have fun? If you believe in reincarnation then maybe in the next life, we will do good when we are born as monkeys and we get to live in Pashupatinath. Free food, no bills, no taxes, no extortion, no fear!

Let us all congratulate Obama. May he do his country good. Hope he wins another term too and doesn't get shot by a crazy redneck! And let us also wish our PM good luck. Hope he doesn't leave Baluwatar! At least, you don't have to worry about water, electricity and rising food prices and now Bird Flu!

Let us live in misery. We have been good at it for a thousand years. Enjoy your time! Every dog has its day but please don't kill us, the cats. If we only have mice then who knows... the Bubonic plaque might not spare you as well!

We have been hoping for a better day. Maybe that day will never come but we, the people would like to say to our wonderful leaders... 'No matter how much suffering and hardship you give us, we will survive.' Yes, we can!

Monday, January 19, 2009

R.I.P. Lohani!

Everybody loved Indra Lohani! Well, not everybody but majority of folks loved his Kantipur 'Bahas' thing. I didn't. Well, who cares what I like or don't like! I thought he talked too much, didn't give his interviewees enough time to respond. It was more about him than whoever was in the hot seat. But I guess that was his style.

Everyone has their own thing. Bijay Kumar started off with his 'nasal' voice and look where he is today! Bhusan Dahal ... I don't know, please stick to music videos or make Kaagbeni Part II or whatever.

Lohani is dead. Let us all pray for his family! We all have our vices. His vice was alcohol. Yes, it's sad but true. Majority of our reporters/artists/netas love to drink till they drop. Musicians die, reporters die but netas don't die.

It's very sad to lose Lohani. He was in his 40s. And our netas drink like the devil and are still alive and kicking in their 80s! God must be crazy.

Lohani was suffering from high blood pressure. And raksi is a big no no but we, Nepalese are very good at not taking care of our health. When we finally go for that 'dhunga' surgery, it's too late.

Please get a physical every year. And take care of your health. Our netas do it and they use our taxpayers money. Isn't it lovely? All you need is a big mouth, make promises even the devil can't fulfill... then you get elected, ride in a fancy car, get free medical and what not.

If you want to live a long and healthy life then please get into politics. Obama is moving into the White House. And in four years, he will walk out an old man. But when our leaders move in, they look like famine survivors and when they walk out the door, they are like super-fat pigs!

And to all our media folks, even though we may like you or not... please take care of your health. Do some yoga, eat fruits, stop smoking, drink in moderation and live longer so that you can report, write, whine, bitch about the many revolutions that are yet to come.

I leave you with "Bridge over Troubled Water"... from S&G!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Nakkhu is the place to be!

Have you ever been to the Nakkhu Jail? I haven't. But Late Ganesh Man Singh did and he is probably the only guy who ever escaped from our nation's Alcatraz. Although he did get all gooey like that 'kid' in Slumdog Millionaire.

Our former MP/IGP Mr. DBL and one of the biggest landowner in KTM, Ex-Lt. Colonel BG* also spent their 'honeymoon' period in Nakkhu. According to our Khukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB), Nakkhu is one of the best place to be if you are convicted of any crimes.

Why? Nakkhu has a basketball court, library and what not. You can play table tennis, carrom , volleyball and if you are in for the long haul, get a PhD in prison management. If you want to to read about what happened in 1972, you can get them newspapers in Nakkhu!

The food is great and prisoners are having a blast. There are two blocks. Block A and Block B (DRC and CRC?). Although the Armed Police Force provides security for this prison, the prisoners have their own rule inside. You can drink black tea all night long if you want to.

As of today, Naresh Pun (Butwal) and Jeevan Raimajhi (Sanepa) are the Generals of their respective blocks. Even the SP requires an appointment to visit these two folks. To visit these two leaders, one has to pass through four different security rings. Yes, it's like them Bollywood movies.

If you ever end up there, then don't forget to say hello to Naresh dai and Jeevan dai. You are more likely to get VIP treatment if you do!

People commit all kinds of crimes. And there are folks who commit funny crimes as well. A guy is in Nakkhu right now because he decided to make love to a pig. Yes, I am not kidding. Our KGB agents have confirmed this. I guess there will always be people who would like to have a better relationship with animals.

How's life in prison? Most of the Nakkhu guests don't have any complaints. Life is good. Most of them don't want to leave prison. After all, they have better facilities than the people guarding them.

There is one Anand Sharma who cries every day. He made off with 60 corore rupees. He got caught but nobody knows where the dough is. He gets a lot of visitors. They drive fancy cars. I think if them visitors were brought in for questioning then maybe the police could recover some of the loot.

How do you survive in a Nepalese prison? According to prisoner 'A', one must not think about family, friends and all. Just think like a Guru, think that you have no one and you are just in for a ride. The journey will end soon.

But if you think about your wife, children, friends and worry about all these then you may leave prison but your soul is already dead. But if you can blank it all then you will walk out alive and happy!

So next time, if you ever kill somebody, get caught with a bag full of heroin or try to have a better relationship with a buffalo then tell the judge, "Your Honour... please send me to Nakkhu!"

Blast from the past: 1987
* An Army court martial has sentenced Lt. Col. BG, an ex-aide to Prince Dhirendra, to a total 33 years of imprisonment and Rs. 2 million in fine on charges of narcotics, corruption, foreign currency, arms and ammunitions, smuggling, and attempt to murder journalist Padam Thakurathi. The former Inspector General of Police, DBL was sentenced to 10 years.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Childhood dreams! Part 1

Looking back... I have realized that none of my childhood dreams have come true.

When I was three, I wanted to be a doctor. Folks tell me that I used to prick Madeshi kids with sticks and what not. Yes, I was born in Madhesh and I am still waiting for the Madeshi parties to give me a call.

Am I eligible to join? Okay, I am a pahadi but I will wear the kurta and chew paan and sing Bhojpuri songs if that makes them happy!

I don't know if making kids swallow dirt was a sign of a psycho but the village people looked at it in a more 'medical' way. When I was six, I wanted to be like Pele. It took me another six years to realize that I couldn't hit a ball farther than 10 feet.

So I decided to be a goalkeeper. The job was easy... you could day dream all you want until the ball was right in front of you.

And I don't think I was good at it but since Rene Higuita, the Colombian loco keeper was in Vogue and I still lacked the 'kicking part', I started to run around the field. The other team enjoyed it but my teammates were not happy as the goal was always without the keeper. Then I broke my wrist trying to save the ball using both my hands and feet. Had seen that trick Higuita did @ Wembley!

Then I quit football (soccer!) and decided to run like Mr. Gump! Won the 1,500 meters (even though I had smoked a joint few minutes before the race), nearly came first in a cross-country race. I don't know how that happened. Well, the race was in my neighborhood... knew the course very well!

I thought I would one day play in the NBA. I even started eating gai-ko-sukuti, hoping I would be 6'6 in few years. It never happened but my basketball dreams died the day when my team lost to the beautiful girls from neighboring school. Yes, we were leading 21-2 but the other team decided to throw in three girls in short skirts and our coach agreed to this new deal.

Then by the grace of Allah... we lost 23-24. I have never played basketball since then. No, it was never about the battle of the sexes. I then realized that I wasn't going to be the next Jordan!

And all that beef-sukuti only increased my height by 2 inches. And I don't call Aamir Khan .... baam anymore... since I am only an inch taller! I was never a smart kid, always in the middle of the class ranking.

But somehow I managed to pass SLC, thanks to my friend who let me copy all of the optional maths answers. If it wasn't for him, I would still be giving the SLC exams! So dude, wherever you are... it's because of you... that I am matric-pass!

If you are using dial-up then fugetaboutit. If you are using NTC- ADSL line then be patient, it will take some time but eventually you will get to watch it and for our friends in the Western world, it should load as fast as premature e-jack-u-lay-sun!

Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dream

Friday, January 16, 2009

Hail to the Martyrs!

The government has declared the Late Uma Singh a 'journalist martyr'. Her family will receive a million rupees as compensation. If only our law enforcement folks were doing the job, Uma would still be alive today.

She had a bright future ahead of her. But it's over, 1 million rupees will not bring her back. How about them 15 goons who hacked her to death? Will they ever be caught?

Even if they are arrested, they are more likely to get out of prison. Yes, our cops are corrupted and are good at beating people up. I don't know why our government officials don't realize that we, the people foot their salaries.

Our politicians keep on meddling and our cops, scared to lose their jobs, do what ever these so-called leaders tell them to do. The police is like a private security firm for those in power. What we need is a radical police reform.

The Pancheys destroyed our parents' future. The Congressi-UML duo destroyed our future. And I hope the Maobadis won't destroy our children's future. What about the monarchy? Ask the Ranas and the Mandaleys who made it big!

The government has also been declaring Martyrs left and right. And the Mao-led government wants their dead comrades to be declared as Martyrs as well. The government will have to pay more than 100 million Amriki dollars.

But the government is broke, and always in need of Bideshi alms! What about them people with no political affiliation, who were injured or dead during the many revolutions we have had in this country? Who gives a @#!# eh?

Is it time to declare our leaders as 'Martyrs' as well. This is the only country where our politicians haven't had their arse kicked, shot at or blown into pieces. I am not saying we should do a 'Rang De Basanti' thing but how come... our so-called leaders are always safe.

But the so-called political activists at the bottom always get their head smashed, legs chopped up and balls hanged by the tree. But the thulo mancheys are living like Kings.

I guess they are untouchable. Maybe we need our own Eliot Ness. Yes Sean Connery will have to die but only then can we beat these evil untouchables.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Next time ... blondie!

Prachandu Uncle has cancelled his visit to Scandinavian countries. I guess he won't be hanging around with beautiful blondes soon. There's always next time. Even if he goes back to the jungle, he can always think about them good old days when he was traveling left and right.

Yes, them good old days... family vacation around the world!

70,000 folks are out of jobs thanks to strikes, power cuts and inefficient management. It took us more than 50 years to get 600 MW but the Maoist-led government has promised 10,000 MW in ten years. That's great!

And now they are planning to make us all (100%) literate in the next 2 years. Kerala has 96%, the US is like 99% but we are going to top them all.

Instead of visiting Norway and other Blondie-nations, the PM should visit Kerala and see how their education system works. Life expectacy at birth in Kerala is 73 years compared to 77 years in the US. Like in the Western world, female life expectancy in Kerala exceeds that of the male.

Not much difference when it comes to the economy. Kerala depends on the remittance stuff like we do. Our Maoists should visit Kerala and learn a thing or two. Stop dreaming about some kind of an economic revolution. We can't compete with the Chindia!

But our politicians are busy visiting the wrong places. I don't know what Prachu Da learned from his 'Olympic Visit' ... we are still using the same sports facilities the Pancheys built. Even our government buildings once belonged to the great 'bloodsuckers' ... the rowdy goth band 'The Some-Shares'. What's new? Nothing!

Bam Dev was in the hospital... something wrong with his heart. Please cut down on khasi ko masu, red label and 'marriage' (card) games! Yes, you can keep all the horny males away from the gambling dens, dance bars and binge drinking but what about you?

And the song of the day : Numa Numa Yei (with a nice 'communist' touch!) and if you would like the lyrics as well to sing along then please click here.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

United We Stand!

The Communists are coming! Well, they have been coming and going for the last fifty years but this unification thing between the Maoists and the Masal-eys might bring a new so-called 'communist' revolution in Nepal.

The Masal-wallahs were always busy carrying out torch-rallies but the Maoists went a step further. They decided to use pressure cookers for non-cooking purposes. The arms smugglers from Gorakhpur made a killing selling home-made pistols and grenades. The Masaleys just kept on with their torch-rallies.

Now, the time has come for the torchy boys and the torture-y boys to get together. Maybe we should invite Shakira and have her sing 'La Tortura' when this so-called revolution finally arrives!

Prachanda is back with his 'Guffs' and yes, if the people don't shut up and the politicians don't help them then there is going to be another revolution. He warned all of us that if the Maoists were to step down then that would be the end of the world.

I don't know if he is supposed to lead us or scare us. Reminds me of them cults in Amrika! The world is coming to an end and Yes, I am the Messiah! If you follow me, you will get rich ... if you don't then we will make you a sandwich!

The management committee of Mao Inc is going to be 100+ hungry communists from 35 angry revolutionaries. The rest of the world is downsizing but I guess Mao Inc's quarterly profits continue to surprise even the financial analysts @ Lehman brothers. Oops..sorry Lehman is now lay-man!

Prachanda will remain the CEO and Chairman of Mao Inc. Girija will continue to head the rival firm, Kangaroos Corp and Madhav Nepal needs to go for a full body wax if he wants to sell himself! Them shiny, clean shaven sorry-arse face won't cut it for the highest bidder!

So, folks... be prepared! That's what the Boy Scouts used to sleep tight or the newly merged United Mao & Co. will come and burn your blanket. It's a cold winter and no electricity... u don't want to freeze to death, do you?

Don't say a word. No electricity, no water, no jobs. Keep quiet, hush little baby hush! Wait for the people's revolution. It is coming soon. I don't know what it is but I hope it's not like that cultural revolution shit the Chinese had or the 'kill them city folks' thing Pol Pot did in Cambodia. Does that mean our 'Sihanouk' will be back for some time?

QUE SERA SERA...Whatever will be, will be!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Carry your arms!

Gopal Kiranti does it again. This Maoist guy is the only politician in Nepal who dares to think 'outside the box'. He came up with the '800 states' plan. I think it's a good idea. The United '800' states of Nepal.

Our '75 districts' thing is not working. But if we have 800 CDOs instead of 75 then things would operate more smoothyl. You think so ? I don't know... ask Mr. Kiranti!

Kiranti also would like to kick the Indian priests out of Pashupatinath. He may have lost the first round but he is not losing any hope.

And now he wants all of us to carry weapons so that we can protect ourselves from 'Colonial Powers'. He says, "If we don't carry weapons, the colonial powers will swallow us."

Let's worry about the colonial powers later, right now we have to worry about the goondas. If only the late Uma Singh had a 9mm Browning then those goons couldn't have hacked her to death. She would have at least gotten the chance to get back at her attackers. All we can do is do a Nepal bandh and take to the street... but nothing more!

Will we be safe if we all carry arms? I don't know... maybe Kiranti could introduce the 'Death Penalty' too! At least we wi
ll have two things in common with the United States of Amrika!

Uma Singh was a brave woman. Our so-called journalists should learn a thing or two. Instead of attending corporate parties and drinking whisky like a fish and attacking the buffet line as if one hasn't eaten for the last few days, our patrakars should follow the journalist's code of Ethics! Uma Singh did and she is dead!

"Seek Truth and Report it, Minimize Harm, Act Independently, Be Accountable!"

How many Uma Singhs are we going to lose before we wake up and say 'Enough is Enough!'?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Matrika... Madeshi Rambo!

Matrika Yadav, the black sheep of the Maobadi party is planning to open a new Madeshi party. Way to go... Good Luck Matty! Matrika is one hell of a guy. He doesn't take any BS. Tension lene ka nahi, dene ka!

Matrika was doing a good job but our Nepalese ghoos-khori crowd didn't like it. When he was a minister, he was busy bitch-slapping LDOs and kicking DDOs in the nuts. I don't know what the Bhramin Mao-leaders are thinking but if you really believe in whatever you are doing then you should be like Matrika.

He doesn't mince words... he speaks from his heart and now he has had enough of the Maobaddie BS! If you call yourself a Maobadi then you should be like Matrika and Kiran. And if you still believe in Monarchy then be like our lady-killer Kamal Thapa!

Don't be like our Congressi-UML guys. They are always power-hungry and will give a monkey a blowjob to get back into power.

I hope he gets rid of other Terai militant outfits. These Terai blokes have cool names. Madeshi Virus Killers is one of them. Sounds more like a heavy metal band! Then we have Ranabir Sena. What will Matty call his new party? Take a guess. How about Matty's? Sounds like an Irish bar in Woodside, NY.

Matrika likes to kick some 'sarkari' butt. All the Congressi Hakim Sahebs were scared to death of our Nepali MithunDa! We need more leaders like Matrika. He is an "on-hands" leader.

Most of our netas always send their goons to do the dirty work but Matrika always went alone and thrashed 'corrupted' government officials here and there.

Yes, it's wrong to slap hardworking people but to kick corrupted blood suckers in the face is a good deed. Matrika is certainly bound to go to heaven when his time is up!

Matrika is a Madeshi Rambo taking on the evil doers... we need another 1,000 Matrikas to straighten our ghoos-khori folks. But it is going to be an uphill battle and so far, it looks like we will be having our share of our 'Hundred Years' war.

I have been waiting for our kind of 'French Revolution' since childhood but looks like that ain't happening anytime soon either. So, I will just go to Chez Caroline and get me some frog legs instead.

The TVC market is @#$!ed but maybe our so-called media houses and advertising agencies can learn a thing or two about TV advertisements. Take a look...

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Bloody Sunday !

The new NEA schedule is a real pain the arse. You can either download the schedule from NEA's website ( or if you are too lazy then just click here.

How come nobody's interested to burn down the NEA head office? The jute mill workers are busy shutting down the border and what not. Our transportation-wallahs still haven't reduced the fares but want to do a Nepal Bandh instead. How long will we take it up the [name your body part here]?

I live in Area 5 and the load shedding schedule for Wed-Thur is really interesting. The lights go off @ 8 in the evening till 8 in the morning. Then it goes off @ 12 till 8 in the evening.

I think it would be much better if they gave us a break like they are doing for our so-called industries! They get 48 hours of shut down and then five days of uninterrupted power supply.

You can shut us down for four days but at least give us the other three days to live ordinary lives. We are not interested in the New or Old Nepal. We don't care if the Indian priests ring the Holy bells or not. We know that our new constitution won't be worth a dime. Give our students some break! Just give all of us a break... goddamnit!

Prachandu Dada is still going around, attending local functions here and there. Well, if you are a US politician then it's a good PR stunt but that is not the case here in Nepal. Our politicians want to act like 'small' Kings.

At least, Prachanda is accessible. If you can't meet him in Singha Durbar then you can always try paragliding or practice some 'Kirati' dance moves. Most of us are having a rough time but give this man a break!

He's flying high and mighty. Try living in India for ten years. Yes, the food is cheaper and you learn new Hindi curse words but Home is home. Only in Nepal... you can have your cake and eat it and the public foots the bill!

And if he's good at this PR stunt then he must make sure that our President, Vice-President, former King and the His/Her Excellencies Ambassadors don't get a break from this load shedding natak! And this includes u too...sir!

Nepal Telecom's profit for this year should be around 7 billion rupees. And what do we get? No network, expensive charges ... enough of this bloated bureaucracy! We need to give our government officials a bora (sack) full of Hajmola!

I leave you with 'Kung Fu fighting' ... enjoy!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Welcome to the Slums!

108-hr weekly power cut from Sunday! How are we going to live with this natak? Folks are already making plans. Everybody wants to move to Baluwatar. Since there won't be much to do, lot of folks are excited about the new gambling dens opening around KTM. Yes, it's time to play some cards. The food and drinks are on the house.

It just depends on whose house you are in. If the home-casino owner doesn't have good connections with the cops then better be prepared to jump off the terrace when the men in blue come looking for you. If the cops get their share of the pot then everything is fine.

Yes, we are one of the poorest country in the world but that makes no difference. We like to drink , eat all kinds of masu, gamble and punch each other in the nose. And if you can provide all of these services then you will make a killing!

Everybody is a real estate agent! Yes, the guy who owns the bicycle repair shop is always badgering me with his 'I got this piece of land' natak. C'mon, I don't have a dime but I don't know what makes him think I am loaded.

Even the neighborhood butcher is always busying on his cell phone. I think he sees more profit in these 'land' deals than selling raga ko masu. My friend owns a real estate company. He is busy as hell. He is dealing with the big people.

Even our Hindi-speaking Vice President is looking for cheap deals. Our marwari businessmen have stopped investing in their so-called industries. Everybody is building apartments and buying whatever is left. All the big fishes are working hard to make KTM a concrete jungle.

What good is it if you own a million dollar home but there is no water and electricity? It's better to be a Raute and live in the jungles. They don't have to pay any taxes, no need to worry about water and Bijuli and the government even gives them allowances. Yes, I want to be a Raute too!

Misheard Lyrics - Sean Paul - Temperature !

Friday, January 9, 2009

Thank God it's Friday!

TGIF ... the Himalayan Times's friday supplement has Bloody Mary with her take on Kathmandu's night scene. It's always fun to read her guffs. I hope she is single and is ready eat some Pringles.

I have been trying to convince my friends that we should work on a weekly TV show like "Saturday Night Live" but so far only one person is interested... me!

And for our Nepali and Khuire volunteer crowd, we can name it "Sunday Morning Dead"

Yes, Drink like a fish on Friday, Drink some more on Saturday and then you wake up on Sunday and a minute or two after you open your eyes, it's eyes wide shut and you are dead. That would be a really cool intro shot for the comedy show.

NTV2 is much cheaper. It costs only Rs. 3,500 (approx. after VAT) whereas NTV charges like 22 grand. But with 16 hours of darkness, who is going to watch TV? I think it would be a better idea to do a screening in Ratnapark during load shedding hours.

I have few ideas. Gordon Brown in a kilt, spreading like the woman in Basic Instinct, singing Nepal's new national anthem. Top 10 things to do during load shedding and more!

It's 7:45 pm! No lights till 11 pm. Thank God it's Friday and the cyber shop in Pulchowk is still open and running good on inverters. Until when? From next week, even the inverters will stop working. Welcome to Nepal! Instead of eco-tourism BS, let's develop a 'stone age tourism'. Let's all dress up like the Flintstones and dive into the 'raw food' movement.

Instead of cursing our leaders, the NEA and the foreign agents... let's promote 'Blast into the past' tourism. And please do take a look @ this old cigarette commercial from Winston.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Who's in charge?

The Army chief doesn't give a damn what the Defence minister says. The PM will have to do with the Indian priests and send the Nepali Bhramin priests somewhere else. And our NEA folks are now planning to increase the daily load shedding hours from 12 to 16. Yes, 16 hours! Finally, we are hitting the 100 hrs/week mark. Good job guys!

According to the Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, loot-paat (robbery) will now increase by 1,000%. Don't be surprised if you see a bunch of policemen chasing robbers with the help of candles. I am still trying to figure out what to do. I think I should go with candle-making.

My prayers to the family of the Nepali man killed in the US. I hope our media also writes about our Nepali brothers who die in the Middle East everyday.

The TV stations are planning to cut down their transmission hours. The 24 hr channels will now go off-air from midnight till 5 in the morning. And the TVC (TV Commercials) market is down by more than 50%.

Our goverment hopes to get 1 million tourists by 2011. And Pokhara's hotels and restaurants are closed today thanks to the labor strike. The government has set a minimum wage to Rs 4,600 pm. Minimum wage is good but the workers want an increment of Rs 4,600 to their current wages. That is not good. The government says the labor unions might have gotten the wrong message. Who are we kidding?

Everybody is cutting down costs except our government folks. We should tell the kids to get a government job. At the end of the day, you will end up with a big house, two kids in Amrika and investments around the world.

So, why the hell do you want to risk it all by trying to make your tiny-winy company into a Fortune 500 thing! You might end up in the 'Unfortunate 500' list instead. No power, no roads, no raw materials. All you get is hit by silly taxes (from the government) and hot waxes (from the trade unions).

We may say you are a dreamer and (sorry but..) you are the only one!

And I am planning to move to Lazimpat (no load-shedding area!). A friend of mine has a basement ready for me if I ever choose to move to the other side of town. It's near the Indian Embassy. Yes, the Desis are having all the fun!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

To be or not to be!

A week later, still smoking like a chimney. There goes my New Year's resolution! After the attack of the 'gastric'... decided to quit masu then somebody offered me a club sandwich and chimu (chicken/mushroom) soup. Didn't want to hurt her feelings. There goes my another chance of being a vegetarian!

Haven't had any raksi since Tihar. A good thing but losing friends and being a bore @ parties ain't good. I think I should go back to drinking like a sailor! And I think I should appoint myself the Admiral of the Nepalese Navy as well.

Still trying to control my temper. So far, it's working. Haven't had a fight with a micro bus driver, drunk policemen or the local Don. If only I had kept my mouth shut and not erupted like a Volcano then maybe my naari-friend wouldn't have dropped me off her Hi5 list!

Tried all the tricks in the book to get me back on her saathi list but looks like it's over. Well, heard she's pregnant... then why am I the one who's throwing up everyday?

I want to be a nice bloke but I guess I can't hide myself. I speak before I think. I shouldn't have tried that chocolate cake today. Now, I feel like throwing up. There's a new Chinese machine in town.

You run a small pen like thing on your left hand and it gives you a small electric shock. Went through the manual... now I know that I have back problems. Also heart problems, half of my brain is missing and I think my prostate is the size of a watermelon.

Tried the MD-wallahs. He couldn't figure it out. Am trying Chinese-electro-shock-O machine.
Next week, I plan to visit a witch doctor. Maybe, cut a chicken, spread some blood around my chest and get my arse kicked by the Jhakri. Well, lot of folks are going to the Matas.

Yes, need to find a holy woman. The last time I went to see one, nearly asked the lady out for Coffee. I think it was that Fair & Lovely Cream. She looked like an Angel. She was in her 40s. Yes, 40 is the new 20!

11 months to go... then I have to get married. Not much time left. 330 days to go... need to go on a blind date soon and probably get infected by Loveria. I hope she's a vegetarian. I am not. If I don't find true love by November... then should I buy one?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Got SIM?

NTC (Nepal Telecom) is giving out discounted-SIM cards for our young folks. Yes, all you need is a student ID and you get your SIM card for Rs 510. Didn't know we had a lot of young folks in the country. I thought all of them ended up in Amrika and Australia.

The NTC office is swarmed by students. I went to pay the internet bill today and it was like staying in line to buy 'U2' concert tickets.
It's a good thing to be a student. You get some stuff for less and if you don't then you can always burn tyres and do some chakka-jaam!

And I guess you can stop using NTC because the network is already out of whack and it's going to get much whackier from now on. NTC blames it on the load shedding. Its towers are not getting enough power to charge. Yes, blame the NEA (Nepal Electricity Authority). And what does the NEA do? Nothing.

Our Young folks either look like punk stars or Avril Lavigne. Some boys and their whacky hairstyles and the harachuku girls. Must be the Korean films! I asked a BBS student, 'so what's next?' and he replied, "I am going to Australia!"

"Maybe I wouldn't have to hang out with the Kangaroos if I had joined the YCL!"

Where are the YCLs? When you are not beating, hitting and spitting someone then can you guys please come to NTC and manage the lines? Maybe, you could clean up the streets instead of cleaning up the industries. Yes, everyone is joining the YCLs. Most of them join to make a dime or two.

And it's not only the YCLs who are having a good time. Our Youth Force (UML) is not far behind. Milan Chakre is still UML's thug-for-hire. He is always busy giving a prep talk to newly formed YF club(s) around the valley.

I guess Don M is still having fun even though half of his body parts don't work properly. It's tough to start a new business in KTM but it's even tougher to sustain whatever you have. A builder friend of mine is always visited by local goondas.

Before, it was like a hafta-asooli but now it's more of a 'give something to charity' natak. Build few houses in Maharjgunj and Chakre, the one-arm-mangled bandit will visit you for contribution. Do something in Thamel and Deep-Yuk Manangey will visit you with his boys from Kavre. And then we have small crooks to worry about.

We can thank the Maoists for introducing the socket/pipe/pressure cooker bombs. Now, everyone is using them to make a point. We can also thank them for their 'give us money or we will blow your head off' racket. Now, even small time crooks are using the same magic formula. Yes, E=MCC not Mariah Carey times 2.

The difference between the Maoists and other political parties : All of our politicians use goons but the goons are using the Mao-link to get richer.

According to Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB), the YCL honchos are willing to turn a blind eye to simple goonda-gardi by local dons as long as they kiss Mao's arse. I don't know what that means but the way things are going, reminds me of them 'Congressi' days when all their cadres and link-people had fun!

If the Maoists don't start a new filtration plant soon then there won't be anyone left to do the arse-kissing.

And only in Nepal, do you get a guy from the former rock band, "The Royals" and Prachanda's son doing business together. I hear these guys are making billions.

Well, politics in Nepal is like running a 10,000 mile ultra-marathon. If you get past the finish point, you will make a killing and if you don't ... then bad luck buddy!