Saturday, December 19, 2009

3 day 'Climate Change' protest?

Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year .... everyone!

Our Maocummies are @ it again! 3 day shut down against this 'climate change' naatak! Kopan-Hay-Gun ko natak pugyo aba hamro Prachandu Uncle ko chamcha haroo ko maha-naatak hare-noo- baaki cha!

I am getting used to all them bandas, chakka-jaam, zoo-loo-s stuff. I even walk from Jawlakhel to Thamel during them banda days. My best tyam so far has been 1:04:32 ..... that was when I was walking in the middle of the street from Jawlakhel ko micro-bus-stand ... all the way to Thamel!

And if tomorrow is the beginning of the 3 day banda then I will have to start warming up tonight! Mao Inc. is probably the only 'green' party in Nepal! Hamro desh lay carbon credit ho ki kay ko credit bata aunay paisa Mao dai haroo lai nai deee-A-hooncha ni!

For the Maoists, climate pakkai pani change bhayeko cha! Hamro Uncle Prachoo thought he had 51% of back-force (nepali gangsta word!) with him but then he found out everybody else just made a U-turn ... after all koorchi ko laagi, afnai aama-baaba bechnay neta haroo kay bharosa?

And I really like Prachoo Uncle's "Tero Bau" ... or is it "Tyasko Bau Lay" speeches. Have you heard them? I guess it's similar to them 'Yo Mamma' jokes ... amriki style!

2009 has been really bad for me! Tole ma batti halnay kaam, bato safa garnay kaam, fohor uthaunay kaam garda pani t-e-e-n choti mamaghar pugiyo! Okay, I should not have punched the local don, should not have slapped Khane pani ko engineer and could have prevented myself from pushing nagarpalika ko karmachari for not taking away the bato ko trash!

And all them three hero-hira-laal happen to be card-carrying members of the Mao Inc.... thank Allah, I didn't get my balls fried by our local YCL brothers. It helps when the local commander is your former Fency-deal (tyo jamana ko 'Red Bull' hehehe!) partner!

Getting old, things have changed .... now why the hell am I remembering tyo Bobby Die-Lawn ko geet..... Yo desh ma kasailay kasai-lye nuh-tare-nay- bhayo Prabhu.... now I am thinking of them crazy Prabhu Deva dance moves.... multiple-personality disorder bhaneko yehi nai hola!

Manchey hidnay sidewalk ma motorbike koodau-n-cha gadha haroo.. And I stopped the bike and said "What the @#$! are you doing?" and the new nepal ko Hero replies , "Tero Aankha chaina, saaley.... bike ko agaadi kina aucha paagal"

I wanted to punch him in the face.... but then I thought... 1 barsa ma chaar choti mamaghar gayo bhaney... mero bau lay malai ghar baata nikali-dincha... ani Prachoo Uncle will say , "Tyasko Bau lay tyas lai ghar bata nikaaley-cha"

Long Live Comrade Prachanda and let's all walk (next three days ko laagi!) all the way to Hell!

I have no idea .. about today's guff! I need some pepto-bismal.... nepal ma tuh digene lay nai kaam chalaunoo parla!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

New Years Resolutions!

My New Years Resolutions (Nepal Sambat!)

1. Stop swearing like a sailor ... finally realized that Nepal does not have a NAVY!

2. Stop smoking like a chimney ... start chewing mittha paan!

3. Stop complaining about everything .... tension leney... ka nahi deney kaa!

4. Start using public transportation more often ... save money ... to buy more paan!

5. Start watching Kollywood movies ... not them new-gen stuff (even if Namrata's 'Ice Cream' video is the current Box Office Hit!)... but them usual masala-mix 80s Bollywood love-tragedy-fight-sight copy-cat stuff!

6. Eat more veggies ...and act like I am offended by non-veggie jokes!

7. Stop eating out... eat in .. Mom's cooking is always the best!

8. Stop worrying about finding the right one... leave it to destiny or one of them Destiny's Child... Saaley Bhaatey Jay-Z!

9. Stop talking shit about Abhishekh's wife just because I think Sushmita Sen has more oooomph!

10.Stop talking about "French" Revolution and start talking about French Skin-lotion!This is what happens when you drink vodka-beer-kodo-tongba-chyaang ... all mixed together!

And I forgot to add the #11 ... final one before the world ends (2012 here we come!).... Einstein Chor... all my life I really thought imagination was more important than knowledge... now I just want mo' knowledge ... maybe I should memorize Ka...ma Sutra by heart?

Oh! God..... I need some Prozac!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Film South Asia!


Attended the 'Film South Asia' thing yesterday... Sabhana Azmi is still hot... beautiful ... sexy .. DAMN! And like any of our Nepali programs, the so-called opening ceremony started an hour late! Thank God... if it was a Sarkari event then you would need a sack full of Paan-Parag , waiting for some latthoo minister to show up!

Well, our current Information Minister was there and he was seated right beside Ms. Azmi and instead of hitting on her ... he was looking the other way. Mr. T would have said 'You FOOL!' ... and then Ms. Azmi asked him something and he was like "WHo...what?"... Even clowns like us ...seating far away from the dais could figure out that she was asking our Hon' monster... the name of the spunky hyper-clown who was speaking about 'Film South Asia'...

Well, the hyper-clown was Kanak Mani Dixit! The Dixit brothers have the INGO/Diplomatic circles in their pocket! So if the Maoists really take over Nepal and do their 'Pol Pot' natak then don't be surprised if the Amriki Embassy sends a chopper from Delhi to pick up Kanak dai.. hahah! Yes that's how tight they are with the dollar crowd!

Okay, I don't want to bitch about Kanak dai here today ... Congratulate him for winning some kind of Prince Claus award, 25lakh+ prize money from a distant prince related to Santa Claus! And yes it's a good thing that he donated his prize money for this year's FSA! After all them Rato Bangla, Jagadamba press are doing quite okay even though we live in a crazy 'daang doong' world!

Then we heard few speeches from the Hon' minister, Ms. Azmi and then some tall Black guy, some film critic dude from South India. This dude was great.... and that was the only time I clapped when he talked about 'the kind of democracy we have to live in (SAARC!) .. .or if we can call it a democracy!" or something like that!

Ms. Azmi ended with a Shayar, Kanak ended with 'I don't know what' because he was speaking 780 words per minute, that most of us couldn't figure out if he was high on coke and just speaking gibberish or he was practicing some tongue-twisters!


Then finally after two hours of blabbering, we got to watch the opening show ... some Desi documentary about the folks in Ladakh and their film industry! I really enjoyed this documentary about folks from Ladakh making movies and the people behind it were local cops, school teachers, cab drivers .....

Then it was tyam for Chiya-paan... and our patrkar folks, as always were first in line to grab 3 sandwiches, 6 pakoras and two so-called cakes! Yes, I counted the plate from the first Patrakar who managed to win the 'KHaaja' race!

Now I have an idea.... I want to make movies about our local cabbies... I hear there are over 7,000 taxis in KTM! So if we calculate two shifts, then we have 14,000 drivers! Then Add their wives, mistresses, kids, illegitimate kids, parents, brothers, sisters .... probably could go up to 100,000!

And if they pay 50 Rupees at the local cinema hall to see my movie then that would be 50lakhs! The hall-wallahs take 50%, then its down to 25lakhs... So if I can make a movie for 20 ... then I get to go home with 500,000 Rupees!

Ani tyo pani feri ... donation bhaney-raw 101 armed outfits haroo ko 'love letter' auney hola ni!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Lost???

I think 'Swine' Flu is finally here. Maybe it's the 'garmi-paani' season and sabai jana haroo are walking around as if they were busy cutting onions! And thanks to my 'buddy'... I have got that 'flu' thing but I hope it's not that 'Swine' Flu stuff... probably 'Wine' Flu... had too much wine @ a 9-09-09 party organized by a friend!

And if them Amigos were right then the world will end ... 2012! So, why the hell are we so worried about our 'New' constitution? Tomorrow ... Thank the Maoists... it's Friday (TMIF) and they are planning to have a rally @ 12 and a big-arse Aaam-Sabha @ Khula Manch where the 'Supremo' (miss them Taco Bell ko 'Supreme' stuff!) will do his 'Michael Jackson' Tribute!

And then come this Saturday, there is this 'big' Kathmandu Marathon.. only the organizers and few runner-types know about it! Hope the Maoists won't continue their daang-doong during the weekend or else even the runner-wallahs will have to stay home!

Okay, we got the new 'Army' cheef-saheb! And the 'Tamu' Folks are all.. Yes! This is it ....man! Well, no this is not it.... Just because we have a Madeshi President, a Jan-Jaati Army Guy doesn't mean things are actually getting better! Yes, Obama is he Prezzie but it's still the White Man's World! And here in Nepal, (with due respect to the Brahmins!)... It is still a NBC World!

Well, if we were to rank them accding to their power/money/status then it would be BCN but NBC sounds better, like them Amriki TV network! Yes, its 80%-Brahmins/15%-Chettris/5% Newars when it comes to all them big-sarkari posts!

Nothing wrong with that.... if we look at all our head coaches, all of them are Brahimins.... And just the other day... there was this big banner by some 'Dalit' orgyzzs (means organizations not whatever u were thinking!) and it read "Down with Male-leaders.... !".... yes, that's what I have been saying .... "It's about time we had a all-female or all-Jan-Jaati leaders fighting with each other instead of only Makune-Girijay-Dhallu and them Chandraguptas!"

*** Well, even with our Jan-Jaatis/Dalit/whatever folks, there is them A, B, C and D class thing. I didn't even know that even with the Dalits, there are them 'big' castes and the 'untouchables'.... man, maybe we need some 'Sean Connery' to blow up some arses!

I have no idea what I have been typing for the last five minutes.... this Cough Syrup is giving him a 'high' ... reminds me of them 'Fancy-Deal' days.... MJ was still alive and rocking, Bhusan Dahal was just a pig-me doing his Sunday Pop and Bijay Kumar was the 'man' ....

MJ is dead, Pig-me is now a big TV honcho, Bijay Kumar is still the 'man' ... ! I really wanted to quit this 'blogging' thing... but maybe that's like saying 'I want to take the vow of celibacy from tomorrow' or something like that !

Friday, August 14, 2009

Dirty Old Men!

I don't know where my guff went ... but August ma Jhaada-pakhala ko kaaran kehi guff lekhna payana? Nice Excuse...ehh!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I ain't scared of You!

8 in the morning...waiting for a friend ... then I decided to have milk-tea @ the local tea shop! 10 years ago, you knew everybody... now you don't even know the guy who owns the local tea shop! After waiting for 10 minutes, a milk-tea arrived!

When we were kids, milk-tea used to be like all milk and very less tea but I guess hamro New Nepal maa things are different now!

The doodh-chiya looked like black-tea with a splash of milk of something!

And when I asked the chiya-pasaley ... 'Dai, is this really milk-tea?' ... he just looked at me as if he was going to stab me in the eye and replied, "Aankha chaina, doodh-chiya nabhaya kay ho ta tyo?"

Now, I wanted to stab him in the eye ... "Kati bhayo pasal chalaa-ko?"

"Talai kay matlab? ... Ma ta sanga darau-dina"

Now, I was faced with two options... A) Just shut up, drink the @$!#ing tea and leave without paying . B) Throw the tea glass @ the chiya guy, beat him to death, destroy his cow-shed chiya pasal and steal his money and go to the Casino!

I think I am finally growing up. I just drank the tea, gave him 10 Rupees (30% tips) and then slapped him.... " Bhai, ganatantra ayo bhandai maa timi pani Raja nabana yaar!"

Then my friend shows up. The Chiya Pasaley does his Laal-Salaam thing. Oh! I forgot, my friend is the local area commander rey. Jawana maa sangai Phensy (P) khaney saathi , ahiley 'Che' Bandai Cha!

Now, I understood why our tea-man wasn't interested in customer service! Who cares? Drink your shit and @#$! off... He pays Rs 100 to his local Mao-badi Inc Chapter...that's why he's so Furkay-ko! I wish I also paid our Mao brothers ...like Rs 1000 a month... and maybe I could slap him X 10!

And then I took a micro-bus to Kathmandu! Now, that's another story.... I am spending my days ... slapping and bitching! My friends tell me that one day, 700 Kavre ko gauley haroo lay talai 'dhulo' banaun-cha!

I guess I will have to move to Kavre ... then I can ask them 700 Kavrelis for morning tea @ the local tea-shop!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

KGB Intelligence Report!

Here is the Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) Report for this week!

Mr. Gyanu Shah recently met with RAW (India ko KGB!) officials @ Soaltee Hotel to discuss new merger plans! I think we should invite our Wall Street ma Kaam garney Nepzie Yuppies (M&A) folks to do the + and - !

Karishma Manandhar is back in town! Her husband had a mini-heart attack! (I think there is a diff. between mini and mild!) ....

Prachanda likes to go to the country side every Saturday! By country-side.... we mean only 10+ KM outside the Valley! And what does he do? He likes to drink 'Blue' Label and watch Karishma ko movies!

Shiva Shrestha is also excited about Karishma.... if Amitabh can still rake in the moolah then so can he.... Shiva wants to produce his own movies! God Bless Shiva! He should not sell his house in Bhaisepaati.... Jawana maa Hami baccha hoo-da 'call-break' khel-ney (for gamblers) , hariyo salad (weed lovers) and chyaang (for the drunkies) piu-ney thau ho Bufaalo-Patty.. ahiley tuh 90210 bhai sakey-cha ni!

Wherever KP Oli goes... there goes Bidya Bhandari!

Once again... back to Uncle Gyanu.... He is working on his auto-bio thing! And Paras Dai is also working on his thing.... titled 'the Crazy Prince of Bel-Air?'

Yes, Sujata Koirala likes to sleep around with young boys... no I am not talking 15 year olds... more like young lads in their early 30s! Nothing wrong with that... after all not everyone gets pumped up by drinking RED BULL!


Bon Nuit!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Another day in Pyar-a-dies!


A boka friend of mine, after finishing off 1 1/2 bottle of so-called Russian Vodka ... takes off his pants and shouts @ them crowd.... "Who wants to play with my little brother?"

And then you have 100+ drunk Nepali gangsters (everyone is nowadays!) and like 20+ ladies staring at you! Don't look at me... okay, he's my buddy but if he wants to get lynched by a mob then I don't want to die like this! I would rather get run over by a Micro-Bus or maybe hit by a crazy motorcycle-wallah!

You will always have this crazy wacko, who you think is your friend but he is the Devil, who will probably get you killed for no good reason! And the @#$!ed up thing is ... he always gets that 'hot' girl... what's up with hot chicks and crazy psychos!

Maybe next time, I should walk around naked .... hope somebody will call me a 'Swami' and then I will have my share of groupies!

100 days to go! No, I am not talking about our current Nepali government ko expiration date! Deepak Bohra is our Forest Minister (Bun Mantri!)... if you have the dough and want to make millions then this is the time to get rid of 'whatever' is left of Nepal ko Dhan (wealth)!

Nothing against Deepak Dai... he is not only a Panchey ko Mandaley... he owns Bank of Kathmandu , four wives and nearly everything in Bhairahawa but according to our sources, his son once gave him a 'round-kick' ... I think that's like the deadliest weapon in 'Kung-Fu' Land! What good is all them $$$, power and wives when your own son wants to kick you in the head?

Was in this Bar today and met with Panchey ko Bela ko Daku Ko chora! This guy is worth billions, he has a nice Khandaani (means our Good Old Ranas!) wife worth another billion! I guess he's not happy! If he was ... he would be home with his wife and kids and not in a bar, throwing away thousands of Rupees, surrounded by a dozen of them Dance-bar type heronis!

They say, Amrika is the land of freedom, land of opportunity... my arse! Nepal is the land of the free... you can break all the rules, pay off all the gangsters (both political and criminal) and still make billions of Rupees!

So, I just want to say to our young folks.... don't come back! Some of us did, some of us are leaving again... and some of us are busy doing nothing except guff-maaaring!

Okay, some of the really good ones (smart ppl) are doing their best, working for NGO/INGO thing! Good job... yes build all them nice houses for them poor villagers and the next thing you know, our Madeshi or Pahadi militant groups are using them as their office buildings!

And if you really want to come back ... then get ready to Rumble or be ready to Grumble!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Ek Mahina Bida!

Back after a month of .... barta from this blogging thing!

Today ... surya grahan... all our pregnant Desi sisters are staying home because they don't want babies with three eyes and four legs! What about our Nepali didi bahinis.... I guess they are doing the same thing.... thanks to them Hindi serials!

And thanks to our kati-mahina-ko government, our civil servants have a day off! We should all encourage our young ppl to join the civil service because 'life' will always be beautiful ... if you are not happy with your pay, you can shut down them government offices until the Netas agree with your demands and at the same time, you can make more money by teaching folks to bend the rules and pay less taxes!

This month has been crazy! We have our own 'Hannibal' Lecter now... RIP Miss KS! People want to bring back the death penalty or something... I don't know but we should deport Mr. Biren Pradhan back to Darjeeling! Maybe we can ask Bimal Gurung to burn this guy instead of burning Darjeeling!

Nothing against folks from Dazzyworld... they are smart, educated and also BT(Big Talk) and now, they have a crazy wacko! Yes, Biren Sir was caught with his India ko ration card! I think we should ask our Nepali Rock Stars to write a song about .... 'A killer from Dazz' ... but nearly 70% of our khatara pop stars are from the 76th district... I don't think they would want to sing a song about a bad guy from their neighborhood!

I went to this Bar last night and nearly choked on them popcorn stuff... our young people are not only getting freaky... Bahini, it's okay to kiss in public but you don't have to suck his tonsils out!

And I thought 'French' kiss was really it .... I guess I still have a lot to learn from our Generation 'Z' !

MJ is not dead! He is hiding somewhere in Eastern Europe and is planning to make a comeback ...soon!

According to our Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, our Foreign Minister Ms. Sujata Koirala is a Cougar!

If your Uncle is a big-time Congressi Neta or neta ko chamcha then can you please hook me up with Sujata Auntie... I would like to suck her tonsils out !

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Office Tyam Bandh!


Our Maobaddie brothers and sisters are now busy with their 10 am -12 pm KTM Bandhs! I don't know if that's a good thing or bad? After all, our sarkari folks never go to office on tyam and neither do they do any work... anyways, I think the Mao Inc. is just trying to cut some extra costs becoz full-time bandh garna tuh full-time tyre-burners pani tuh chahiyo ni, hoina?

Mr. Lion Brave Deuba came in second place... bichara! After our Girija (The Native American translation would be 'Let him Fall') Babu finally chews his last Vanarasi paan then Deuba can finally split the party again and go his own way! Deuba is a lucky man!

During the 'Panchey Baja' days ... our cops (yes, the same monkeys!) decided to play a 'fry the tongue' torture game! That's why our Deuba (Give Father!) speaks like the dentist pricked him with Novocaine! But I hear Deuba is really good @ going down under. Yes, I also want a Novocaine Tongue! Well, at least we can thank our Nepali Cops for satisfying someone!

Let's get back to our Mao Inc. organized crime family! According to our Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, Prakash Dahal (Shield or the protection you use when you are playing bed-kung fu!) has already bought himself a nice 10-ropani Jagga in Kathmandu! Congrats Prakash Dai... you have made it big!

In my next life, I want to go to Rampur Campus, then work for USAID , drink buffalo milk, watch Karishma Manadhar ko movies and then jan-ma-O a nice chora, who gets drunk and knows how to use a computer so that I can hire him as my personal computer operator and then give him a nice 10-ropani ko jagga!

And so what if we go around, beating people up for drinking and sleeping with aroo ko boodies! After all, we are humans... we all want some booty and Prakash Dahal left his wife for aroo naari! Prakash Bro... you are the real deal!

We all know that our 'new' constitution is already written and ready to be printed... yes, you can call Delhi and ask our Desi bhais! And Uncle Gyanu is planning to do his 'Academy Award' Speech on his 62nd B'day rey! Maybe he should tell Prakash Dai... sorry... Paras Dai to lay low (maybe hang out with J-Lo!) and enjoy Singapore Sling or something ... for now!

Or maybe we can ask the British to come back and win their war and finally give us hill stations, highways and railways and maybe ... I don't know ... we can't go back to the past. We have to move forward but so far, thanks to our Maobaddies and aroo sabai parties... we don't think we can move even an inch when we are sinking in this quicksand of 'dirty' politics!

What's new? Nothing.. same shit... every day!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Jumbo Cabinet!


Makune is having a tough time making everyone happy! Well, in this case everyone means 40+ thula netaharooz from all them sano parties! I don't know how long this so-called government will last. The Mao brothers and sisters lasted 9 months!

So is life better now than 9 months ago? I don't know... a new born baby is born after 9 months... but thanks to our netas, the baby will either have to move to Qatar to dig ditches or to Amrika for further studies depending on his/her parents' ko economic haalat!

Looks like we will be getting 45+ mini-monsters, 1 Prime Monster ... so that means more gas-guzzling SUVS for our netas! What about us? We will have to be happy with the smoke from them tyre-burning nataks from the opposition!

More than 60% of the so-called development budget is freezing somewhere in Antarctica! General Khadka will be going home this Sunday.... Cut-2-Wall will be around till September! Terai will shutdown ... no rain, no gain... only pain!

Our YCL brothers are now going around town... threatening folks with more shock & awe natak! They say 'If only Uncle Prachu gave us the order, then we will burn KTM and take over within 24 hours!'... yes, why not do that?

What r u guys waiting for? Yes, go for the final attack... aar ki paar! Burn down the roof... so that we can all move to Bagmati and join the squatters! After all... thanks to our government hakims and good-for-nothing politicians, KTM has become a slum and yes all the Kathmanduites... we are Slumdog millionaires!

Karod ko ghar tuh cha... tara na paani cha, na bato ramro, no security... food prices rising like crazy... we are tired of all this natak! The NA and PLA should fight it out ... once and for all so that we can finally... either die or live peacefully ever after!

KTM maa temp is hitting 33-34 degrees... not the foreign-high-t... it's sells-C-yes!

When it was 16 hours load shedding, ali ali paani authyo... now only 4 hours and no paani... please let's go back to 24 hours load shedding and a little bit more paani!

Aaja biha ko bhoj ma jaanoo cha... single ladies lai side hannu chaa... tara shower lina paani chaina... so I will be smokin, drinkin and stinkin... and if they ask me ... who are U? I will just say.... 'Excusez-moi, Je suis Francais' or something like that!

Enjoy the hot and humid weather! This is the time to join some health club... try the 3-month membership deal! At least swimming and showering garna tuh pai-een-cha!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

@#$!ing Fundahs!


Have you heard of the Nepal Defance Army? Well, it's them same folks who carried out the Catholic Church (pressure-cooker!) bombing recently! Yes, the Nepal Police did manage to arrest this lady and that's about it!

Our leaders talk about this and that but the only people who are secure are our leaders thanks to our taxpayers money and the heavily-armed APF folks!

Sometimes, I wish them Maoists would go back to the Jungle so that we would only have to deal with only one other army and not like nowadays, where we have more than 101 different so-called armies, all fighting for their 'people?'!

The Nepal Defance Army.. well the guy who took the printing job should have used the Spell Checker stuff. It should have been 'Defence' but who cares about spelling mistakes! These guys are now demanding Lakhs of Rupees from the local churches and other Christian establishments!

What for? Well, it's the usual crap... for their own brand of 'revolution' ... that is ... to bring back the 'Hindu-Rastra' tag and maybe ask Gyanu Uncle to be Lord Vishnu once again!

Nothing wrong with that... we live in a so-called democracy, republic batawaran ... we all have to fight for our rights but bombing churches and threatening them with violence if they don't give these arseholes lakhs of Rupees is nothing but another copy-cat strategy from the Maoist playbook!

Yes, we have to thank Prachandu Uncle for this natak! But the Maoists don't care... they are not here to provide us security, better jobs and affordable food prices. Their only job is to feed their own PLA folks, make more money and capture the state or whatever they have memorized from Mao's Red Book!

All our netas talk about secular this and secular that... but these people have always been good @ talking BS! Thanks to the Maoists, our own people are now refugees in their own land.

If the so-called government or even our Maobadi (another so-called government!) brothers and sisters don't care about us and kick the Nepal Defence Army ko arse then Nepal is not only going to have to deal with ethnic daang-doong but we will have to deal with them 'Holy Wars!' as well ... I guess we are going to be Little India!

The Indians have always been good @ this. We should ask the Sikhs about 1984, the 1993 Hindu-Muslim riots, Gujrat, killings and driving away Christians in Orissa... well, our Politics is all Desi and I guess now our militant outfits will follow them as well!

One of the Maobaadi comrade killed himself... drinking rat poison or something and the Maoists shut down the whole country! But one crazy Hindu-baan blows up a church killing innocent women and children but none of these so-called political parties care!

Yes, this is New Nepal. We can't expect our leaders or their chamchas to help us. The Police is more chor than the local chors! I always thought the NRA was nothing but angry, gun-loving rednecks but I think it's about time we open a local chapter here!

Yes... if the state can't protect us then we have no choice but to protect ourselves! The BJP can have Gyanu Uncle and make him the Emperor of Bharat and the Nepal Defence Army can go to India and maybe fight against the ISI and their Islamic fundahs!

This is just the beginning... things are only going to get worse! There will be more attacks against churches and Christians! And our government will as usual ... act as if nothing happened!

It's the same story in Madesh as well... there are 14 different Madeshi militant outfits... life is getting difficult for Pahadi folks! We are human beings... even if we think we are not racists ... we are! We like to hang out with our kind, sometimes it has to do with jaat or bhaat or whatever!

The only thing that can save us is a strong government, strict law and order.... WTF am I talking about? We don't have a government ... we don't have any laws... we live in a jungle!

I guess it's the survival of the fittest! We have two options... either we just shut up and watch our brothers and sisters get killed or we fight back so that we can all live in peace! So it's about time we fought back... if we don't ... then first they may burn the Christians, then it will be the Muslims then the Buddhists and then they will come for their own kind!

Hamro so-called government is only good at giving us them 'saanobhuti' or something like that. Abuh tuh yo Republic ma.. shouldn't we have the right to believe in our own faiths instead of being forced to either pay them 'hafta' or get bombed by some lunatics?

And if the government can't promote ethnic and religious harmony then ... yo government ruh chor neta haro ko kay kaam?

If this is the beginning of the end then I want to go out fighting... but the problem is... fight garna pani paisa chainey.... saala sab pasia ko khel ho! Maanchey marney lai pani paisa... manchey bachauna pani paisa!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I Want My Money Back!


I have no idea what's wrong with our netas but I think they should all go to that Eye Hospital and see Dr. Ruit! When will we all wake up and say 'Enough is Enough' and then ... I don't know ... deport them all to India!

KP Oli is in Delhi! I guess our hospitals are not good enough for our leaders! But we shouldn't blame them... if I had free medical, housing and nearly everything - benefits like our netas then I would also be flying to Delhi, Bangkok and Mars!

Suzata says 'Our Desi brothers are okay, we have no problems @ our borders!' ... maybe she should go to our borders and live there for a week! And probably do an 'item' number for the Indian BSF-wallahs... Maybe then she will understand but we are Nepalese... our leaders will BS us all the time and we are okay with it!

I don't know why people think Java is a cool place! You can come to my house, I will serve you better drinks, customer service and free wi-fi without trying to be hi-fi! What's the catch? I don't know but let me come up with something! After all, kooch paaney kay liya kooch khona padta hey rey!

#@$!ing Bollywood... hamro Nepali ko dimag nai Hindi bolcha! Yes, we should suport Nepali movies but if you know somebody who owns Jai Nepal then can you please call them up and get me my refund! Yes, I want my money back! Mission Paisa is the worst Nepali movie ever!

Mission Paisa bhanda tuh Bhuwan 'Lover Buda' KC ko 'I will die without you' is much better. No, I didn't leave @ half-tyam. I was the only one left when the final credits started rolling but I am never going to watch any movie by these music-video wallahs! Pugyo Bas! (Bas = Bhusan, Alok , Simos!)

Nothing against these Bas-guys but please decide if you want to produce 'Snickers' or them 'Godiva' ko truffle shit! Either make a full-on Masala-mix daang-doong movie so our Micro-bus drivers will enjoy or make them artsy-fartsy stuff that nobody understands!

Mission Paisa would have been much better if they had followed Bhatt-uncle's formula! Yes, if you don't have any story then have the hero and hero-ni just kiss each other every few minutes! Maybe you can even do a Kissing 101 thing. The first 20 minutes for simple kissing... nidhaar ma, akha maa, gaala maa!

Then another 20 minutes for arm-kissing, dhaad-kissing, khoota-kissing! Then after half-tyam, go for the Arabic coffee... Belly maa, then Americano .. lips maa and then the final climax go for the French Press or something!

Okay, Merina Manadhar has always been an eye candy but what the @#!$ is Alok Name-bang doing with that 'item number' ... C'mon ... Alok , nothing against your x preference but you can't fool us! Next time, dance with Nikhil Uprety and maybe do a grinding thing... we won't even care or even notice your 'soft' moves!

Well the mission was to get our paisa! And you guys did it.. well you had my paisa! Next time, just get Bhuwan KC to be a dirty old man and maybe Nisha whatever to be a Lolita or something!


How about a sequel? Mission Dollar or something! Yes, follow Swami Bhattji ... just make a copy of 'Indecent Proposal' and we won't say a word!

It's about time the Nepalese ppl beat the shit out of our netas and remind them that 'we want our money back!' and for the Mission Paisa folks... I would like to say 'Life is a Lemon & I want my money back!' ... dialog pani Meatloaf sanga chor-noo parney!


Monday, June 15, 2009

Tyres, Fire & for Hire!


Another KTM Bandh! Two weeks ago, our 'Newa' folks started a new trend... hawa-fuska-ing the cycle-wallahs! I was thinking of getting myself a second hand mountain-bike so that I could cycle my way to KTM during them bandhs but now they are not even going to spare the cyclists!

Okay, one of them Maobaddie comrade got whacked. Shit happens! But why the hell are these so-called 'People' warriors venting their anger against us , the public? We have nothing to do with your deals, meals and wheels... so please leave us out of your so-called 'battle for civilian supremacy' natak!

We don't care if Cut-2-Wall or Gutkha becomes the NA Chief. At the end of the day, all you arseholes are busy giving blowjobs to our Desi bhais! Hamro border pani desi bhai lay khana lagyo, hamro didi bahini haroo lai balatkar garney but our leaders don't care. Yes, Swami MJ was right ... 'They don't really care about us!'

I think the Maoists are running out of new schemes or extortion plans! Pahila tuh truck ka truck ... gauley haroo KTM osha-rera Din ko 500-1000 chiya kharcha diyara Bandha hoonthyo ... but today's Bandh was more like 12 year olds with latthi and tyre baal-ing! Where have all the rebels gone?

Well, they are busy planning their next move! Comrade Kiran wants a hostile takeover... Prachu Uncle is 'Let's wait and see' ... and Gyanu Uncle is 'Kooching!' and Suzata is planning her first overseas trip as foreign minister! I want to give her a vibrator for her next birthday... if she doesn't want me!

And the police-wallahs should stay inside and play cards or something ... please don't waste our taxpayers money by driving around Kathmandu and doing nothing! If you can't do shit then just stay home like the rest of us!

I don't understand why the Maobaddies are blaming the cops for not taking any actions! When you kill others then it's for the people but when someone gets one of yours then you want to shut down the country! Good job, guys... I hope Prachu Uncle doesn't choke on his own venom becoz then our Maobaddies will burn down the whole country!

Every ten years... we give our so-called leaders another chance and as usual, they screw it up and invite the Right to jump in and steal the cake. Does it make any difference, left or right ... you can pleasure yourself either way, can't u?... oops I think I have been watching too much Health Education stuff!

I hear.. there is another bandh tomorrow! Maybe it's just another Halla but may our Maobaddie comrade (who was whacked ) ko soul rest in peace! And once again .. thank you Prachandu Uncle for showing us your true colors! You are no different than our Confused Kangaroos, Unidentified Men/Ladies or even the Mandalays!

Maybe our cumraids have watched too much Tony Montana! Yes, yes... first u get the money then you get the power then you get the women! Yes, you can have Suzata!


Sunday, June 14, 2009

No Respect !


I took a barta from blogging... and my bhudi is now as big as them hakim sahebs' haroo ko bhudi! I now have a nice bhaat-belly thanks to eating with your hands! After 16 years of trying to be a European (eating with chamcha and kaata!)... I said to myself... '@#$! it' ... aba chai haat lay khana khanuh siknoo paryo!

I get no respect! I was walking near the Palace... err.. Narayanhiti Shangralaya and this @#$!ing bee just came out from nowhere and stung me! And then I walked around with a kheel in my neck!

I don't know what's with our KTM ko parewaz? I was on my way to a blind-date and this time, I finally decided to be man enough to wear Pink. Yes, Pink is my favorite color... I think the guy with them funny lips from Air-O-smith said that!

Then, this Parewa just did its thing on my lovely Pink T-shirt and I got some on my neck as well! Aba Keti sanga coffee khana janey ki ghar ma nooh-haun-uh jaaney? This is what happens when you expect a love-bite but instead get attacked by our birds and bees!

I think I should ask all our NGOs working for so-called bird/nature/whatever conservation to take care of the business! Maybe they can get some extra dollars from so-called 'save our earth' people!

Suzata is our foreign minister! This is Nepal... if you are nobody then nothing is possible but if you belong to the ghoos-khori families then anything is possible! I like Suzata. Suzata has that 'boy... I will eat you alive' look!

I have to call her PA and ask her if she's into younger men! After all... phokat ma bidesh ghoomna tuh pai-ee-ncha! And of course Bidya Bhandari is our Defence Minister! Although her love-story with KP Oli is still going strong... Bidya is a hot looking auntie!

It's about time ... our naari leaders fought for the 'older' women rights ... to be with younger men! After all... I am sick of our KTM Lolitas and them businessmen. How about our political ladies and slackers like us? Yes, a nice combo... oh... I miss them BK's double whopper!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

REPUBLIC!


Happy 'Rip-Off-the-Public' Day to all our politicians, sarkari hakims and the rest of the janta ko ragat chus-ney Vampires!

Our netas are having all the fun while we are barely surviving... I guess that's what all this democracy and republic crap is all about! And on Monday, It's Kathmandu Bandh once again... this time it's the 'Newa Rajya' folks!

I always thought Democracy was about living your own life without the so-called leaders telling us what to do... but thanks to our nautanki netas... and their own version of 'them-o-crazy' nataks... Nepali democracy is about fighting for power and making tons of money for your own party and karya-kartaz!

The Maoists are once again talking about 'baby king' conspiracy! Yes, this is the land of 'conspiracies'... I was having my usual 'vodka & sprite' @ this bar in Baluwatar and them old fogies were talking about the 'Royal Massacre'!

I guess some of us still live in the past. Jay bhayo ... bhayo ... get over it! According to our 'janney' mancheys... the Royal Massacre was orchestrated by the Amriki and the Indian government. Late King Birendra was about to sign some big-time contract with the Chinese government. I don't know what it was but it was BIG!

So, the Amriki and the Indian government decided to whack the whole family... and they got access to the Palace because there is an underground tunnel from Phora Durbar (The American Club) to the Naryanhiti Palace! So, a bunch of Marines decided to do the job and our Gyanu Uncle was just going along with the natak!

How come there are no conspiracy theories about our netas and how they don't seem to get whacked @ all?

All our government offices are now lighted up as if it's Diwali! Load-shedding ko bela... ma jhilli-milli batti balera hamrai taxpayer ko paisa sakhab garcha mora haroo!

Makune finally got what he wanted! And he is already kissing Desi arse! Don't blame him... that's the way it is! Janta nai bekoof bhaya pachi... neta lay kina mauj nagarnay! And didn't know our Communist leaders were into all this 'tantra-mantra' natak!

Who the @#$! cares if your pillow is facing East or West? What more can we expect from our leaders... if they can't make any decisions without the help of Jyotishiz and Desi Uncles!

And the joke of the day is :

When will our new constitution be ready?

Well, it's already ready already!
Really?
Yes, we will get it in the mail ... straight from Delhi!

(Nepali ma soonda hasoo-tcha... but Angrezi... I guess... lost in translation!)


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Mission Paisa!


First ... came Kaagbeni... then Sano Sansaar and now we have Mission Paisa! Key cha common koora ? Well, Nepal ko top music video directors haru lay banayako film haru and most of the ppl say 'It sucks... mein!'


I really wanted to go watch Kaagbeni but my latthu friend said, 'It's @#$!ing too slow that I had enough time to watch the movie and work on my Master's thesis @ the same time!'.... waaa! I guess that's what we call multi-tasking!

Bhusan Dhaaal used to be the coolest dude when he had his 'Sunday Pop' program on NTV! And he's done well for himself... as the main honcho for Kantipur TV, making 1.5 lakhs per month! Usko side-job music video banau-ney... he makes like 1-2 lakhs choo-t-tai!

But with Kaagbeni, Nobody could figure out if he was making a documentary or a feature film! So, I saved my 200 Rupees!

Then came... Sano Sansaar... another music video director, Alok Name-bang and nobody could figure out if he was making a music video or a feature film. Who the @#$! dances like that in KTM? Baroo... 90 minute ko 20 oh-taa music video bana-yera film ma halday hoonthyo!

And now , we have Mission Paisa by another great music video director Simos Soon-War! Either the MP team just watched Matrix only last year or they really want to give us an action-packed dhamaka!

MP is getting whacked in FaceBook. I think our KTM's young folks are having a blast ... bitch-slapping the MP team! Film jhoor bhaye pachi film jhoor cha bhanna pani napauney?

Soon ko thaal ma khana khaye pani.. khana nai jhoor bhaya pachi key soon key la-soon?

Anyways.. we have to thank our music video directors for whatever they thought they were doing... and maybe they should stick to them 'model naachney music videos' instead of wasting their time .... with feature films!

After all... why do you want to waste your time and energy, making a feature film when you can make few lakhs by doing a 3 minute music video? And it's a piece of cake too... euta model rakhdyo, halli-na pathau and then it's done!


Monday, May 25, 2009

News Nepal TV !


If your family is into this neta-giri stuff then you are one lucky bloke/ni! Just look at Salim Miya Ansari's kid! He is starting a new TV channel... News Nepal! According to our Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, the investment is 100+ crores!


Where did this money come from? Maybe Ansari is related to them Mogul Emperors... u know the 'Khandaani' sampati natak or his father must have made $$$ during his UML days!

I have nothing against neta-kids becoz politics in Nepal is like getting a cushy job @ some investment bank in Bidhesh! Well, you will have to be really smart or maybe get your degree from them ivy leagues but to be a Nepali Neta, all u need to know is how to shoot, loot and boot!

Remember the three +oots or else you will just be another bhoot (zombie!) like most of us!

Well, if you are one of them Wall Street financial analyst then you might take home a million dollar bonus every Christmas but for our netas, everyday is Friday and you will end up making billions and you can BS all the time!

And if you are lucky enough to be born into a nautanaki neta-family then you are set for life!


News Nepal will go on air in the next few months. They have already hired so-called experienced Nepali crew and I wish them all the luck but isn't the TV market getting crowded or am I just another claustophobic wuss?

Loot-ay-ko dhun , foo-foo ko saradhya or something like that! We all have to start somewhere. Let's not blame the kids... usko bau lay choreko paisa tuh udau-noo pari halyo ni!

At the end of the day, our netas wanted to get rid of monarchy because they all wanted to be Emperors! Yes, Gyanu Uncle made tons of money with that 'mobile' company, Girija ko chori made millions and @#$!ed our National Airlines bad. And if our Ansari kid wants to be a media tycoon then why should we worry?

This is Nepal... our politicians wanna be business(wo)men and our bya-paaris wanna be politicians! I think David Letterman once said, "rappers wanna be gangsters and gangsters wanna be rappers!" or something like that!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

In God's Name ?



My prayers to our brothers & sisters ... Catholic Church, Dhobigat!

Makune is finally the Prime-Monster! His 93 year old Buda Bau is happy. Finally he can go to heaven and dance with the 72 virgins. Sorry... I think I read the wrong book!

Finally, we don't have to watch Ram Gopal Verma ko movie for them 'Police Encounter' natak! Either our gangsters are getting bold, firing @ our 'slimy' cops or our cops are now working over-time, as hit-men!

Prachu Uncle is mad! We are all sad ... and MJ once said, 'I'm bad' ...

KTM girls are now crazy with this 'tatoo' thing! Heard Miami Ink ko guys were here in KTM. Saaley Khuire haroo... how come they get laid everywhere they go? In my next life, I want to be a bhooka-tourist. Even if I am broke and haven't taken shower since Haley's comet... I would still get laid!

Jai Ho!