Saturday, October 27, 2012

Back to Work

Dashain is almost over and most of us have gained a few pounds due to overeating.  It’s now time to recuperate from binge drinking and wild gambling as well. A lot of folks will have to visit them physiotherapists to learn some stretching techniques.  For a quick relief, one can visit the local Desi barber and get the usual ‘drum roll’ massage.

Some of us will hit the gym and go crazy as if one is preparing for a mixed martial arts fight soon. Some of us will continue to stick to the usual Baba Ram Dev breathing exercises and try out different vegetable juice recipes.  And what will our netas do to get back in shape? Well, after a week of not getting their silly views covered by the media, they must be really itching to go back to playing the blame game and speaking gibberish!

Our clowns promise us a break-through every other month.  I think we do expect too much from our politicians! The only time these buffoons will find a common ground is when it comes to sharing the loot.  

Expecting our netas to stop engaging in corruption is like expecting a pani puri seller to use clean drinking water for them amilo jhol! It will never happen and we are all immune to them both.

Baidya uncle wants Badal to be our next Prime Monster.  Badal dai must have enjoyed his Dashain well gorging on Badel and finishing off a few bottles of chuski! If he gets to become our PM then he will get to enjoy the free state benefits such as free vehicles, guards and chiya kharcha when he is done with his siesta at Baluwatar. After all, it’s all about free lunch for our freeloaders!

I think our media wallahs should organize political debates for our netas. We can have like a league tournament nai.  Our so-called top leaders can participate and our advertising agencies can come up with promotions similar to the European Championship League. 

The top two winners from the league tables will then advance to the knock off stage and the winner will get to be our Prime Monster.  The runner up can go home and practice his or her debating skills for the next year.

We will have SMS voting and the funds raised from the natak can help to pay for the vehicles and chiya kharchas for the lucky winner.  I think our Emperor would probably win the damn thing because he is a stand-up comedian and TV audiences seem to  like funny people. He also has all the dough and he can afford to buy all of us recharge cards to help him win the title. And if that doesn’t work, he can flex his muscles and we will voluntary oblige.

Somebody should call Bhusan dai and ask him to come up with a new TV show for Kantipur hagi!

Obama is busy coining new terms and has been trying his best to get ‘Romnesia’ added to the English Dictionary. The US Presidential race seems to be extremely tight.. well it’s been that way since the Robot and his geeky sighs lost to the class clown!  At least, them Amrikis have it easy… it’s always a fight between a donkey and an elephant! Here, we have to deal with the whole animal farm!

The Amrikis are a different breed. They drive on the wrong side of the road and hate the metric system. Here in our great land of ours, there is no wrong side of the road. You can drive anywhere, any how as long as you are able to squeeze in and overtake the other person.

And if you are really in a hurry to save the world then you can even drive through the pavement. You just have to make sure that you don’t get busted. I hope that one of our ghoos-khoris will one day come up with a treatise on how to get away with everything and anything. I think it will sell more copies than Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of War’.

The Amrikis have them Electoral College natak. You can still win the popular vote and lose the Presidential election. Al Gore probably wishes that he was born in this great land of ours. Here, you can lose them elections from two constituencies and still get to be a Prime Monster. Maybe, he can come back as a Nepali in his next life and finally get to be our PM.

But it would probably be too late by then. The valley will be without a single tree then thanks to our road widening projects. Our lucky contractors are making something extra on the side and our police wallahs get free firewood to cook their ration! What about us? Now, it would be easier for us to make a sudden U-turn in the middle of the road nai. Now that’s freedom at its best!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Goats, Gambling & Good Times

As usual, our folks at the Nepal Food Corporation (NFC) will report that hundreds of khasis have died mysteriously in their warehouses.  No, it’s not the case of a ‘Bad Goat’ disease or some other flu… it’s just that it’s time for our freeloaders to enjoy the free masu. 

The so-called dead goats then come back to life in the homes  of our visionary netas, competent civil servants and not to forget the hardworking staff of NFC as well.

Our sarkari hakim sahebs will get gift hampers from their staff, byaparis and jobseekers. The hakim sahebs will then have to run over to the netas and shower them with gifts. After all, nobody wants to be transferred to the hinterlands.

Our malnourished netas have a week of idleness and what better way to enjoy Dashain than gorging on khasi and raksi!

While we try to figure out how to manage our Dashain bonus, our civil servants and netas will have a hard time trying to fit all them gifts and bottles of whiskey in their  mini-palaces. They will have enough stock to open a liquor shop for Tihar.

We celebrate the victory of good over evil during Dashain. But in this great land of ours, the evil doers are having all the fun while we, the common folks have really nothing to be merry about.

Maybe it’s time we pray for Mother Durga to come back and save us all. If not then we should ask our mothers to open a new political party to save us from the buffoons!

Every Dashain, millions of Nepalis take out loans from unscrupulous money lenders so that they can buy new clothes and a khasi for their families. The Shylocks get away with their outrageous interest rates because most of them have joined a political party or another.

All the great producers of adulterated food products, shady contractors and slimy capitalists seem to be friends with our clowns. So as usual, do expect to pay black market prices for food, transport and other services during Dashain.

Dr. Saheb could have done us all a great favor if he had added a Dashain gimmick to his portfolio of nautanki nataks. How about a ‘One goat for one family’ gift from the government? Well, it’s a alrealy a little too late for Dashan but Dr. Saheb still has some time for Tihar.

Well, only party cadres and contractors get the state funds but it would be a heart-warming gesture if he send us all a 10 Rupee note with a hand-written greeting card.

The opposition wallahs will then condemn it as another natak but at least all of us will get to drink a cup of free doodh-chiya one fine morning ni.

Our transport wallahs will as usual make a killing during Dashain and folk will have no choice but to pay double even to sit on the roof of them buses.

Our domestic airlines are all booked and someday our civil aviation authorities will probably approve a provision to allow air passengers on the roof as well. Or maybe our tourism wallahs can help to promote it as an adventure sport.

Dashain is the only time when our police pals don’t care much about folks gambling in their homes. Tis the time to be merry, drink like a sailor, eat like a pig and gamble like crazy.

By the end of the festival, most of us will have high BP, our sugar level will go off the roof and the pharmacy wallahs will sell tons of antacids. The lucky gamblers will be able to afford a new house while the unlucky chaps won’t even have enough to buy a new blouse for their spouses.

We will be running around, visiting our relatives for the tika-talo, and our byaparis will be having fun overseas. Most of our byaparis now take their family off to foreign lands to spend some quality family time together.

After all, it’s more cost effective since you don’t have to empty your bank account giving dakshinas to your relatives. And their phones won’t be ringing and they won’t have to worry about political cadres visiting their offices for donations to their never ending conventions and chiya paan karyakarams.

Dr. Saheb promised to clear all them debris and construct sidewalks before Dashain. Well, Dashain is here and we are still waiting. Most of our valley residents now suffer from allergies and respiratory illnesses. But our netas really don’t care about us. They are not the ones who have to walk and suffer from all the dhulo.  

Our clowns are more worried about 500cc bikes. How about banning all luxury vehicles instead?   Dr. Saheb should launch mandatory carpooling and maybe we can hitch a ride with him someday.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Chinese Movies & Brussels Waffles

Baidya uncle and his crew have lifted the ‘Hindi’ movie ban for now. They want us to catch the latest Bollywood flicks during Dashain. I guess our comrades are not worried about foreign cultural invasion during them festivals.

Our neta know us better.  Our political parties do seem to give us a break during them festivals. We really don’t complain about load shedding, water shortages and rising food prices. But if our clowns trample upon our rights to drink, gamble and be merry than there will be another Jana Andolan.

I think we should ask our Hindu astrologers to come up with some fuzzy math and prolong the Dashain festival till the monsoon season.  We can leave the monsoon for our tire-burners and stone hurlers.

Our political cadres can then shut down them highways during monsoon. It will indeed save lives because our government is not even a bit interested to improve the road conditions.

The Chinese are making cool movies nowadays. Maybe our Nepali Talibans… the ‘Baidyabans’  or short form ma chahi ‘Babans’.. should just go ahead and  enforce an ‘only Chinese’ movies fatwa. 

Most of us do understand Hindi thanks to them Bollywood movies and we all can speak tootay-footay Hindi as well.  Our comrades should force us to watch Chinese flicks everyday and then we will all be fluent Mandarin speakers by next year.  Then we can all go to Guangzhou and be byaparis.

The ‘transfer’ season is here again. The Homie Minister and our IGP Saheb have finally struck a deal. Both of them will now get to transfer their beloveds to them lucrative postings.  Somebody should remind our Homie that his job is to make sure that our cops protect the common citizens instead of them con men. 

Our cops are doing all they can with limited resources. Maybe our ‘horrorable’ minister should don a police uniform and finish an over-time shift to get an idea of how hard it is for our folks in blue. 

He should also organize a slumber party inside one of our prisons so that he can see for himself how our inmates are packed like sardines. But our ministers don’t have time to carry out reforms because they are only interested in the moolah. Dashain is here and our cops and civil servants are now in a rush to send gifts of khasis and whiskeys to our clowns. 

The Emperor is in Belgium, probably munching on Brussels waffles.  Them Belgians have had 45 governments in the past 67 years. We will probably get there in the next 60 years hola.

It’s not only our politicians who can’t seem to find a common ground. The Belgies were without a government for like 18 months until they were forced to form a coalition government due to the Eurozone crisis.

If them folks who can come up with mitho chocolates and polished diamonds can’t seem to agree on anything then we still have a long way to go before we can come up with unadulterated gudpaaks that will give them European chocolates a run for their money.

Our netas are only interested in ‘get quick rich’ schemes .. so it’s time to pitch in and organize a MahaYagya so that we can raise billions and pay our netas off to leave us alone. We could help our netas to settle down in them third countries. The EU and the IOM wallahs can helps us hola ni.

A Non-Resident Nepal in Australia has pledged to invest Rs 6.4 billion in the country’s tourism sector.  The guy wants to build a hotel and attract more tourists to Nepal. Instead of offering tax breaks and other incentives, our civil servants and corrupt netas will probably find ways to extort some of his dough.

I think our Emperor should visit Australia before he comes back to face the usual squabbling crowd.  After all, our great chairman loves capitalists like a fly loves a tray of ‘jeris’.

And what about us.. the original NRNs (Nepali ma Residing Nepalis)?  More than half of the population has them cool mobile phones that costs somewhere around US$ 200.

Let’s do some math….  the government could raise at least US$ 3 billion if we all decided to forgo buying smartphones this year... and maybe we can invest in them hydro projects and our highways.  If everybody has a stake then maybe we all will have the strength to kick some arse whenever our political cadres resort to vandalism and bandas ni.

Our patrakars need to go on a strike soon. Our media tycoons invest hundreds of crores to start new patrikas, TV channels and what not. Except for a few major media houses, most of our media wallahs never get their pay on tyam.  They should all unite and stage a sit-in outside their offices. Somebody call the Babans.. they seem to be the only ones pumped up at the moment!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Breakup Season

It looks like our Janjati and Madhesi (JaMa) netas from the Nepali Congress and UML have finally seen the light. The gang of 36 have decided that they no longer want to be associated with the Kangaroos. And 550 comrades don’t want to hang out with the Unidentified Moronic Losers anymore.

Breaking up is always difficult. You long for the other half even after deciding to walk the other way.  You spend half your day watching YouTube videos of all them great break up songs in history. And you spend the other half of the day, praying that the phone will start ringing again and your former lover will come back into your arms.

But our netas are a different breed. A day after they announce the break up, the former lovers are willing to strangle each other. We really need a psychologist to go through our netas’ profiles. I think most of them suffer from dissociative identity disorder and half of them will fit the profile of them psychopaths as well.

There should be some kind of an annual fitness test for our clowns. We are tired of our netas being driven around in them gas guzzling luxury vehicles around the city of dhulo. For a change, let us have an annual walkathon for our clowns so that they can at least be like us for a day.

We also need a general knowledge test for our buffoons as well. If you want to be a Prime Minister then you should know the names of all head of states in the SAARC as well as G7 nations.  If you want to be a health minister then you should at least know the difference between aid and AIDS. We don’t want our netas thanking the bideshiss for giving us AIDS to develop our country ni.

But for our narcissist netas, it’s always been about their egos. Some of them want to quit the mother ship because the priestly class didn’t give them the top positions. I think someone failed to remind the JaMa wallahs that begging will get you nowhere in the country.

You should follow the ‘Big Bang’ theory. Bang the table, chairs, windows and shut down the party headquarters and burn tires all day long. Look at our Emperor…. If he had stuck to only begging for a republic, he would still be living in Noida and drinking Bagpiper with the Desis.

But now as our netas are busy ripping-off-the-public, the great chairman has his own mini-palace, a full stock of Black Labels and and he gets to hang out with all bideshis.

Some of our JaMa wallahs are disgusted with the top leadership and their body odor and foul breath. Maybe gifting a bag full of mouth wash and Axe body spray would have solved the problem. But our netas never took a class or two on problem-solving hola. The jackasses know only how to create problems. If a smarty pant comes up with a solution then they will all gang up against him or her and make sure that the theorem is never solved. 

The idea of promising us the promised land gives them all opportunities to enjoy looting rather than taking us there because our netas know that if we get there then their life as the new ‘Maharajas’ will end.

Some of our JaMa Wallahs don’t really care about the rights of the minorities… they just want to make a quick buck. Our other Madhesi parties have already shown us that it’s much fun to be a small fish and enjoy half the pie than be a big fish and settle for crumbs. And the rest of them are just happy to be a neta and they are content with the arse-kissing by their karyakartas.

Our  Janjati and Madhesi netas will need a new name for their party. Instead of fighting over the name for the next six months, just go with the initials baroo.  How about ‘JaMaPa’? Or if the Madhesi netas win the coin toss then they can go with ‘MaJaPa’ hola.

Our new single and ready to mingle folks have promised us a new progressive party.  For our city folks, being progressive is about respecting one’s right to party at 3 am in the morning in the middle of the city. 

The JaMa wallahs will need a symbol. We are tired of the hammer and sickle, trees, cows, cycle and other stuff.  I hope our progressive wallahs will conduct a competition so that our creative graphic designers can come up with a cool symbol.

All I can think of right now is a big roti, half wheat and half Phapar! It’s healthy and full of nutrition and it’s time we cut down our heavy bhaat intake so that we won’t doze off in the middle of the day.