Sunday, July 31, 2011

Are you Cultured?

We have seen the Ranas (well our grannies did!), we have seen the Pancheys (our parents did!), we have seen the so-called Democray-wallahs and our angry revolutionaries... but joon jogi aye pani ghich-naw naw-pugey ko.. hehe!

'Old' Nepal was about Lord Vishnu but now hamro 'New' Nepal ma, we have to deal with them thousands of Gods and God-nis who are having fun while this great country of ours goes down the drain kya!

And our netas have once again shown us that when it comes to 'afno mancheys'... they will pacha-o their laaz saaz and appoint their friends (8th grade pass!) or natey-daars to head them governmental agencies.

And the asshole of the week award goes to our 'Culture' Minister, Khagendra Prasai who decided to appoint his relative, a jagga dalal to head PADT (Pashupati Area Development Trust)! Why the @#$! are our comrades always trying to get their cadres and chamchas to head the 'Holy Cow' agency?

Well, according to my sources, Pashupatinath temple rakes in more than a billion Rupees a year from them offerings and what not from them devotees! So far, them 'South Indian' priests and our 101 Nepzie Pujaris enjoy them 'tips' rey! And PADT ko naam ma more than 1,000+ ropanis of land in the Valley... so let us not do them math sath or we will all go crazy ... hehe!

Why the hell do we need a Ministry of Culture Sulture? To promote them culture of corruption and impunity hola ni!

All them Pashupatinath Temple ko pujaris lai fixed salary ma raakhney rey! I guess they won't get to stash them gold sold and note sote from them bhakta-jans abuh dekhi! It's all good... but then all them offerings will not go to develop Pashupati area but will be shared by our political parties.

And now, we will have a 'jagga dalal' heading PADT... maybe he can sell them jaggas and make some dough for himself and his uncle suncle and also distribute them jaggas to all them 'thulo' netas and their relatives ni... after all, sharing is caring ni. Sabai mili-juli khaam naw!

Lord Prachandoo received 5 crores from them 'Sudan Scam' rey! Yes, when it comes to sharing the loot, our netas get along very well ni... maybe that's why Rubel wasn't stopped at them airport and hope one day, one of them police officers will be brave enough to point fingers at them three stooges!

But of course.. we need them evidence sevidence rey! Maybe Shambu Bharati, the 'APC' agent can write a book...'How Rubel screwed me!' when he gets out jail. Bharati has a law degree and he owns like 43 ropanis of land in the valley rey.

Tyo 15 crores bail money is actualy pocket change for this 'super-dalal' but he is not paying a dime because he feels much safer inside them jail sail, playing 'marriage' (card game!) with our police-wallahs rey!

We all know that Rubel made some from them deal seal... but he was allowed to fly to Dhaka. And our Mao-buddies, the 'fake' comrades (UML) and the Kangaroos got crores as well. Bharati and them IGPs can do us a all a favor if they spill all them beans kya. Just tell the court that all them netas made their cut and let's see what them CIAA wallahs do then.

Sudan scam can bring down a lot of politicians but we need our chor-police and thekey-daar Bharati to do the right thing ... at least once in their lifetime kya! Yes Bharati made billions from all them contracts from the army and the police... and our IGPs made millions.... abuh why do you want to save them netas... don't be afraid.... even if them mundrey goondas kill you!

You will be the real 'martyr' kya.... instead of them fake ones who get 10 lakhs from the state (tyo pani political party sarty lay nai khancha!) and all them paap-saap pani Nirma washing powder lay looga dho-ko jastai dhoi-din-cha ni!

So.. our corrupt police-wallahs and criminals (them so-called agents!) should stand up for once.. and show us how our great netas make them moolah kya!

Saturday, July 30, 2011


The tide is turning in Bollywood. Until a few years ago... only stupid comedy movies made all the moolah at the box office but now thanks to them 'Southie' Tamil and Telugu re-mixes... action is back with a lot of traction (?) and is getting a lot of reaction kya.. hehe!

It started with Ghajini and Aamir dai (Desi Peter Pan!) shocked us all by going crazy. And now, Ajay Devgn is back where he belongs, doing the dishoom-dishoom thing! Yes, we missed Ajay kicking Desi arses and standing on them bikes (while them bikes are goo-ding!).

Devgn, like many of them Bollywood stars, is into astrology shastrology. He has taken an 'a' out of 'Devgan' ... and he should also take another 'a' out of 'Ajay' ... and be known as 'Jay Devgn' hola ni!

Devgn is also into producing them movies and what not ... but so far all his home production nataks have failed. So .. please don't waste your and Kajol's hard earned money ... trying to be them producer-wallah kya!

Baroo... just produce them 'action' dhamaka movies... comedy is now out.... and all them 'small town' cop fights 'big tyam' mafia will rule Bollywood for the next few years kya!

During the 90s, Ajay Devgn was the only star whose movies would run house-full during the first week in them one-screen cinema halls in UP, Bihar and them 'Item Song' states! Well, all them item songs seem to be them Bhojpuri songs nai... hehe! While all them lobby-dobby songs chahi Punjabi nai hoo-noo parney kya!

Singham was made for 20 crores (INRs) and it has already made 50 in the first week.. and it will make some money for them 'Reliance' folks.... I think Ambani should just donate all them profits from his movie venture to charity kya. He doesn't need a few million dollars when he has them billions in the bank sank!

And our Bollywood hero-nis should all be worried now. If this is the 'new' trend then all them Desi movies will only be action-saction and 'one' item number (nothing new!) and them hero-nis will be either some star ko chori (debut) or them hero-nis who do them 'Southie' movies!

Katrina Kaif should now stop trying to improve her 'Hindi' accent ... baroo just produce your own movie... a 'Desi' wonder-woman kind of thing. It might break all them box office records ni... abuh 'action' hero-ni pani cha-hi-yo kya!

Ajay still has them 'Golmaal' series and he will be doing that until 2020 hola... but mark my words... Ajay will still be doing them 'action' movies in his 60s..... while Aamir Khan will still be them college student then and Salman-ey will still be ripping his shirt and flexing his muscles. What about Akshay Kumar?.. he will be the 'new' Paresh Rawal then hola ni!

And why do I feel bad for Suniel Shetty? I don't know.. he used to be one of them 'action' wallahs then ... I guess he should just change them 'e' to 'i' hola ni.. ani Suniil Shitty hooncha abuh tuh!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Show Me the Money...

*Guff Suff: Guffadi / The Week - Republica, Friday, July 29th 2011 (Editor's cut... sut!)

Former IGP Om-ey Dai must be sipping black tea and playing Ludo at Dili Bazaar because he really can’t afford to fork up the bail money rey.

I hope Rubel, our “foreign prince” is sipping whiskey in Dhaka and counting his change from the VoIP and Sudan scams! And if Sujata Auntie becomes a mantri-ni again, he can come back and run another scam or two feri!

Our other two former IGPs are now back home after showing us the money. Where in the world do you get 5-7 crores? The last time I checked them genealogical charts, both of them were not related to Dhir Shumsher or any of our 22-24 kings from the Middle Ages.

If all them scams were to be investigated, then we’ll have to build a new mega prison for all our corrupt civil servants and hopefully we can pay off our foreign debts from all them bail money ni!

What about our netas and neti-nis? Well, they are our new Shree Tins and we can only find the truth if we arrest all of their PAs and hurl them into a sisnu farm! I think our per capita income will be on par with Singapore if one day we do get our money back from all these corrupt bums and bum-nis!

Our so-called leaders are all sick. No wonder the country is in a coma! Most of them seem to suffer from high blood pressure.

I hope they take up yoga vigorously and drink karelako juice by the drum loads. If that doesn’t work, then they can always hop on a plane and go to New York, Bangkok or Singapore for their medical care at our expense ni!

Jhallu Baba is busy inaugurating all the events he is invited to before he packs up and leaves Baluwatar. I hope he’s already chosen which SUV he would like to take home after he’s done cutting all them ribbons.

Prachandoo is still busy with his magic tricks. He must’ve headed a circus in his previous life. Our Mao-buddies have decided to reshuffle their play-list, and this tyam, the former Masal-ey, Narayan Kazi Dai will get to be the ‘Homie’ minister! Top Bahadur will still be a mantri and Post Bahadur will be our information mantri.

Can we get a comrade named ‘Bottom’ and make him a mantri as well?

Sher-ey Dai thinks he should head the national team and wear the captain’s armband this tyam.

I guess Dr Saheb needs to tell the Kangaroo that the last time he was our prime-monster, he dissolved all them local bodies and we’re still suffering to this day.

And it’s about time our crooked netas stop sending 8th graders to head them public enterprises like Nepal Airlines or even appointing ministers who have no experience whatsoever. We have astrologers heading the Science portfolio, farmers heading Health ityaadi.

We beat them East Timorians and we thought we were ready to take on the world. Well, them Jordanians showed us how to play football, belly-dancing eestyle! Yes, our national team lacked international exposure, no diet-siet, and the last time they were in a gym was when Ganesh Thapa used to be the President of ANFA.

Ye...sorry! He’s still the Prezzie and he’ll be around in 2030 when the East Timorese will beat us 7-0 hola ni.

I guess nobody taught our national players that defense wins the game kya. And if you aren’t able to mark your man, then gather up and hang around the goalpost baroo!

We shouldn’t blame our players, or our “British” coach, or Ganesh Dai. Let’s all blame Nepal Tourism Board (NTB) for this dismal result. Ho ra bhanya? Yes, our NTB-wallahs should’ve visited Jordan a day or two before the game and handed out ‘free mountain flights’ and ‘bungee, paragliding and rafting’ vouchers to them Jordanians ni!

Then maybe they would’ve been kind enough to send in their reserve players and not make us look like fools kya. Once your opponent starts scoring five goals, then it’s about time you realize that prancing around in the field isn’t going to work.

Either you start playing kabbadi or just lie on the field and refuse to play kya (Nepal Banda!).

Next tyam we play them Arabs, can our players get a crash course on Arabic 101? You don’t need to learn much.

Just few words like “Please, take it easy” or “May King Abdullah live for 1,000 years!” or just keep on chanting “Praise be to Allah!” over and over again.

I’m sure that would really make them score fewer goals because they would be spending most of their time correcting your accent or making fun of how you’re saying it all wrong!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Night Bus in Kathmandu....

KMC (Kathmandu Municipal Corporation) plans to roll out them 'Night Time' bus service rey. I have been hearing this for the last 3-4 years... and nothing has happened so far!

I think we will finally get them 'ratri' bus in the valley when our comrades fulfill their promises of providing 40,000 MW electricity hola ni.
Baroo tyes bela chahi.. we can have all them electric vehicles ni.. since we won't have to deal with load shedding.. hehe! And maybe we won't spend all our money importing them oil soil ni!

KMC is the same organization which plans to bring more taxis in the valley. So I really don't trust them or them sarkaari chors who are running our Nagar-Palikas and VDCs (also known as as Ga-Bee-Saw.. Gau Bikash Samiti .. hehe!)

A year ago.. somebody wanted to introduce them motorcycle-taxis in Kathmandu but it didn't work out! Well, we have 400,000 bikes in the valley. Yes, I am not making this up .. Baggi Khana (Traffic Police ko HQ) ko DSP lay malai bhaney ko!

I think it should be mandatory that them bike-wallahs have somebody riding with them kya. @#$! car-pooling nataks.. abuh gaadi chalau-ney thau chaina hai yo sahar ma! How about ... mandatory bike-pooling from 9am to 11am and 4pm to 7pm kya.... tyeso bhayo bhaney, we might have like less bikes on them road soad ... and all them SUVs wallahs should only be allowed to show their $100,000+ gaadi (where most people make less than $200 a month.. Kathmandu ma ni!) after dark.

And all our ministers, prime-monster, President and all them fake-VAT Bill wallahs can drive around after 10pm ni! Ani traffic jam pani ali kum hooncha ki?

Yes, let's not leave them car-wallahs alone either. If you are driving them 'Reva' thing... then you better koach-aa-ing 3 people in the back. I think Kunda Dixit dai can do that.. hehe!

If you are a jagga-dalal and busy running around in them Hoon-dai i10, i20 or santro wantro shit then you better drop them villagers back to the city kya. Sabai plotting slotting tuh wari pari ko gau sau ma nai tuh ho ni!

And to all them so-called Range Rover-wallahs.... please help your fellow citizens by giving them lift sift kya... nothing wrong with driving a Rolls Royce in Hong Kong but this is Kathmandu ... why the @#$! do you need a 'Ek Karod' ko gaadi?

Baroo .. if you really want to show off then show us your fake VAT bills or how you made your moolah by bribing everyone in that Ministry or the other one ni... shaan nai dekhau-nay ho bhaney.. baroo get a bicycle .. tyo pani encrusted with them diamonds siamonds hola ni.... hehe!

And them VW (the new ones ... Nepal ko laagi) driven around by our '90210' Nepzie ladies.. hehe... please drop few ladies at Hardic or Rage Fitness before you drive to Radisson and hang out with Anil Shah..hehe!

The Mega Bank CEO should quit his job and baroo.... KMC ko Mayor ko laagi ladoom nuh... yes, we need them local rep kya... and you may not be as rich as Bloomberg but instead of taking them '6' train to City Hall... Anil dai can take the local Micro Bus.. to work .. that is when you be them Mayor sayor kya!

So if this 'Night' service thing really does happen then we can save tons of money ni. After 8:15pm... you are less likely (never!) to get a Micro-Bus kya. Then you need to hop into a cab and the meter is either tweaked (1.5 -2 Call... Ek Call tuh sabai ko hooncha ni!) or Robert De Niro's cousin will ask you to double the normal fare and you have no choice but to hand over your hard earned money kya!

Abuh 'ratri' bus sus kasley chawd-ney? People like me, them 'union' workers (from restaurants) and lot of jadiyas! And I hope our khalasis bhais will have them 'sick bag' ready because we don't want them drunks to be puking all over them buses ni!

Kay garney.. Naya Nepal ma... them alcohol syal-ko-hall ko price go up by 10% while them juice suice chahi 70% lay bhau badey cha. Lau thank you VAT Mohan bhaatey, our Finance Minister ...daaka!

And thank God... or Lord Indra or whoever... it rained like crazy today and we shocked the world by scoring a goal against Jordan and the game ended in a tie kya!

Well, them Arabs move to the third round of WC qualifiers by 10-1 score.. hehe!
Them Jordanians will never forget Kathmandu.... and our Rangasala... where them football field is like our bato ghato... puddle, muddle... and our national players and them Jordi bhais .. were running around and slipping here and there... as if they really wanted to cuddle kya!

If Nepal gets to host them World Cup thing some day.. then it would be great... July is like our monsoon tyam ni.... and our national team should practice more .... playing in the puddle suddle... and hopefully we might win that damn thing pani!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Renew your Driver's License....

Last tyam I was at the 'Yatayat' (For Nepricans.. it's our 'Nepali' DMV kya!) ... I went to get my Nepali driver's license. The Amriki one still had few years to go .. so I showed them the Bideshi license and they looked at it (as if it was straight out of Obama's arse or something) and gave me a 'Nepali' one as well.

I used one of them 'brokers' you find at the 'Yatayat' .. .he charged me 3K.. if I had done it myself.. then it would be like 1K rahecha... but I didn't want to spend the whole day running around from one room to the other kya.

Then the 'dalali' bhai asked me if I wanted to add them motorcycle ko pani .. for an extra fee. I said... 'No' .. because it wouldn't be right ... I hadn't taken my bike ko exam and stuff.. and the only reason I wanted them gaadi ko license was because I wanted to drive my sister's vehicle and see if I could really drive in our great city of Kathmandu.

Well, drive I did.... spent the first three months (and more than 30K) hitting them taxis and vans .. pachadi batuh not because I didn't know how to drive but I just wanted to check out how kacchi them taxis were kya.. hehe!

Today, we are not here to talk about my driving skills or how 'Shakti Kapoori' I look on my driver's license kya... Aajuh I guff about what to do when you have to renew your driver's license hai!

Went to 'Yatayat' this morning with my sister, who had to renew her driver's license... she goes to school in bidesh, doing her MD! She doesn't need a 'Nepali' one right now but I guess it's more dinero and more hassle if you renew it .. like 5 years after it has expired kya!

First, we went to the 'photocopy shop and had her nagarikta and driver's license ko photocopy. Asked the sahuji about them procedures to renew senew and he went on and on for the next 5 minutes about how his wife had eloped with a mundrey goonda who drove a SUV and he was going to jail in the next few months because he was going to shoot the other guy rey.

Then finally, he gave me his final answer... "Just go to them tables and ask for the 'renewal' forms!"

So off we went to them tables... asked for them forms. Got three forms and two stamps. The Sahuni was kind enough to lick them up herself. Them form sorm costs like Rs 5 and them stamps chahi Rs 10 kyaaruh.. but the final bill was Rs 25! 10 Rupaiya chahi table rakheko fee hola ni!

This is how our government offices work here in Nepal. Them civil servants don't sell anything. Everything is outsourced, from them forms, stamps and if you go to them CDO or Police station.. you get them 'Lekhan-Das' (Writer-Man?) to write your applications. If you don't hire him then your application will be rejected kya!

I don't blame the Sahuni.. she must also pay the local goondas (the one who got them tender sender to place them tables and run them businesses kya! Then of course the local goonda has to pay the sarkari hakims pani ni!

If you go to Yatayat and ask them sarkaari chors .... they won't give you a straight answer kya... baroo ask one of them brokers. If you are in a rush then let him do all them work for some chiya kharcha!

But I wasn't in a rush ... so I just went from one window to another.. and couldn't find out how to get my sister's license renewed!

So I asked a broker... and he thought I had hired him as our 'Express Service' wallah... He told me them step by step procedures. I am good at following instructions .. hehe! I thanked him and he realized that I wouldn't be needing his services. He was pissed... so I gave him a 'strawberry mentos' and a 'Halls' pani!

Now, I tell you them step by step (dance routine) on how to renew your driver's license hai!

1. Get your nagarikta and driver license ko photocopy - 1 pc each! ... so dui-taa for Rs 10.00 (don't ask the Sahuji why he charges Rs 5 for each copy kya!)

2. Head to them tables outside them gate sate.. buy them forms for Rs 25.00 ... your stamps will get free-licking as well. (Yes, every form sorm in Nepal needs to have them stamps.. and actual costs chahi Rs 15.00 ho taruh.. don't ask the Sahuni why it's 25 hai!)

3. Fill up your details and head to the nearest window (the only one) right next to the main gate.. used to be a guard room .. now it's the Medical report ko laagi paisa tirney thau. Hand over them forms to the guy, who is busy stamping, signing and throwing them forms (at you!).

When he is done checking and signing your form , make sure you have Rs 10 ready.... pay him the money, grab your form and head to the main door of the main building after you walk inside the gate hai!

4. The police man will stare at you and the private security guard will interrogate you as if you walked inside Hamid Karzai's office with a suitcase full of fire-crackers.. hehe! Just tell him that you are there to renew your license. I pointed at my sister and said, 'Uha Daktaar saheb ko license renew garnoo parney!'

In Nepal... if you say you are a doctor.. people just make way for you kya. Even them immigration clowns at our international airport says, 'Oh .. tapai tuh daaktra po hoo-no hooncha!'... the only tyam you should not mention that you are a doctor is.. when them fools are vandalizing them hospitals and biting and kicking anyone wearing them white jackets .... because their friend died and they blame the doctor for it kya.

Yes, sometimes tuh vary vary laa-par-wai.. but not every tyam ni.... I think our doctors should all get themselves tyo TASER from Amrika kya!

Okay, let's get back to the story ... hehe! But they won't tell you which room to go.. (they don't know) and our civil servants are busy drinking tea and smoking (office vitra nai!).. so head three floors up and wander around... room to room showing your forms.. when finally one kind fellow will tell you which room to go. He will point somewhere outside his room.. so just walk out and go to another room and another before you find the room where you need to be.

5. Go to the 'Room' and the sarkari jackass will check your forms, find out your license number and go through his one page 'directory' list and shout 'Ek Saya Chaaw-Biss' .. another skinny guy will be seen running around and walking over to you with a big dhatta (book!) and will go over them pages and finally stop and verify that you are the person who received the license and not the fake ones they themselves sold to some sucker ... few months ago.. hehe!

6. The guy will scribble something gibberish (like... I have to pee real bad!) or.. ye.. must be his signature and some 'verified' thing hola.. sorry!... and then you grab them forms and head downstairs... come out of the building, make a left , go around the building and make a right and you will see two different lines heading to a single door and the ones who are inside struggling to get out because the queue-wallahs refuse to budge kya!

7. This is where them medical tests sests hoonay thau. One line for them renewal wallahs, the other for the 'newbies'.... the guy who scored the lowest in them MBBS exams happen to be them medical doctors here.. no I am not kidding and he will ask you to read them numbers from a kiddie play-book ... some kind of color-blind ho ki kay test rahecha.

If you are blind just repeat these numbers '97, 6, 41, 24' hai.. then you pass kya! The Daaktar will scribble something... 'I hate this job but thanks to my uncle who happened to be the local leader of some communist party in Parsa ko chamcha ko pani chamcha.. so I got this job and now I am stuck' .. ho yeti nai laamo hooncha usko signature pani!

8. Grab your forms and head to Window #3.... and pay them Rs 700 and the guy will give you tyo 'Blank' Driver's License and you will be surrounded by 6 ladies... trying to pull you apart!

Well, kay rahecha bhaney.. they have their own typing syping , laminate saminate garney table outside.. so nothing new.... you get them taxi drivers trying to tear your suitcases @ our international airport... or if you take a bus to Pokhara from Kalanki then you have them khalasis giving you arms massage by bending and twisting your arms and legs pani ... so that they get some commission if you use their bus or taxi or typing service kya!

9. Now, you head to the laminate/type sype table outside the gate, up the small hill.. pay Rs 50.. the lady will type your info.. make sure you proof-read it twice or else there will always be a typo kya!

Then they tell you that after you get your driver's license stamped ... then only come back to them and get it laminated kya! So how do they know that you got it typed at their place... they will know rey!

10. Head back to Window #3.. hand the guy.. your 'typed' driver's license... he hands you back a chit... (every slip they give you.. be it them traffic cop or the CDO office is a 'chit' in Nepal!).. and tell you come back after 5 days to get your Driver's license!

But if you had used them 'broker' services and paid extra (a thousand!)... then you will get your license the same day kya!... Yestai ho 'Nepal' ma.... it's good to be them civil servants, dalaals and mundrey goondas! Jai Hos!

Ye.. and don't forget to get your driver's license laminated after you get it... after all, you paid Rs 50 for both typing/lamination combo deal ni!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The 'Holy' Priest....

I hope someday we will have them 'local elections' and we will have our Mayor, Ward Chairperson etiyaadi.. because now we have gotten rid of Ali Baba but we are left with them forty thieves kya.. hehe!

Ali Baba increased his bhatta from 10 crores to 60.. and he had to change his Facebook status from 'Lord Vishnu' to 'Uncle G' ... but our 600+ chors are now spending more than 600 crores but I guess we don't have the energy to fight anymore hola hagi...

I think Nepal Unites should partner with 'Red Bull' .. and maybe even ask some of them 'Red Shirts' from Thailand to visit Kathmandu and show us how they did their thing in Bangkok kya!

Well, the reason I want my Ward Chairperson or Mayor back is because... now we don't know where to complain.. when it comes to my neighbor dumping all his old bricks and windows on the sidewalk or some arsehole parking his mini-bus in the middle of the street or my neighbor, a Mongolian auntie who is a born again Aryan fundamentalist!

Yes, every month or so.. .she organizes them Bhajan session ... where them so-called priests and their chamchas ... smoke crack and sing Bhajans in Hindi .... I think they should go and audition for 'Indian Idol' baroo!

And why the @#$! do you need them sound system with the all them mic sic ... and nobody really complains when they start singing like donkeys! I mean.. it's okay if you do your 'Holy Cow' nataks early in the morning till late afternoon.. but to pull an all-nighter.. and disturb the whole neighborhood is not what Lord Krishna did when he was hanging out with all them Gopinis kya!

So I called up the Magar Samaj.. and filed a complaint.. hehe! They called me back and said.. they were worried too! Until few years ago, she used to donate like thousands of Rupees to her 'ethnic' organization.. then suddenly she stopped doing that rey.

A so-called priest (dresses up like Mike Myers in 'The Love Guru' .. same joonga, same looga kya!) is now her spiritual adviser rey!
I did a background check on him.. (in Nepal, we don't need to pay $29.95 to some company like in Amrika kya!).. you just go to a local chiya pasal, and talk about the person and in five minutes, there will be at least 3 former intelligence agents giving you 3 different versions ...hehe!

The guy started out as a sweeper in them local temple in Jhamshikhel. Then he moved to Varanasi and got his degree from a Sanskrit University (doesn't exist!) and then started going to all them houses in the neighborhood with a lota and a plate of tika and got his daily pocket money from them desperate housewives rey!

His tips and tricks did work.. now the auntie has bought him a 5 anna land in Bagdole and he also acts as her manager, collecting rents from the tenants. Yes, the auntie is a rich lady but one day, she will probably move to Varanasi and go on a 10 year bhajan rant and break some Guinness World Records hola.. while our 'holy' priest will cut his hair, shave his beard , throw away his 'sadhu' dresses!

Then what? He will be driving them SUV and will probably head his own 'Holy' organization, bringing in more moolah from more desperate folks who believe that singing bhajans all night will make the Gods happy and fasting will make their husbands happy rey!

I have nothing against Lord Shiva or our player, Krishna ... but if sacrificing animals and visiting them temples and singing bhajans... makes you happy then so be it.. well, it didn't work for our uncle Gyanu.. .and it's not going to work for Jhallu Baba either.. (Yes, he so communist but then do puja when he moved to Baluwatar kya!)

Instead of wasting money on them bhajan-disco parties and throwing away lakhs during them Maha-yaga circus nataks.. baroo just keep your neighborhood clean, fund them local public schools and health posts etiyaadi... and your God(s) will be happy kya!

So where do them Ward chairperson come in play? If we had some elected person then he or she would have to do something about it ni... or else next election ma feri bato ko tender sender ko paisa jhuam garn-naw pau-dainuh ni!

Our municipality should come up with them new regulation kya. No halla-khalla after 10pm.. doesn't matter if you are calling Lord Krishna or Lord Voldemort... but do all that 'Holy' skyping beforer 10pm kya .. then just shut your trap, lock your gates and go to sleep or use your headphones kya!

Why 10pm? Well, 'Tito Satya' hay-ri-sakda ani brush srush garda... 10 baji halcha ni.... hehe!

And to all our restaurant and bar owners in Thamel, Jhamel or Lazmel (Lazimpat?) or Durmel (Durbarmarg) .... you guys can open your bars and stuff until 4am... if you hire like 40 'Radhey Shyam' wallahs and let them sing 'great' songs right outside your bar.
Just lock up your place from the inside.. and make sure the 'Holy' crowd is stationed right outside your gate.. even the chor-Police will not dare to show up at the place and break the curfew kya!

Lau.. Bum Boley (Angrezi translation would be 'Ass Speak?'... with due respect to all the bhaang-saang lovers and the Lord of Destruction!)

Monday, July 25, 2011

Another Day in Nepal....

The Unidentified Moronic Losers (UML) are having their national jamboree in Dhulikhel. Hope our so-called communists will get some fresh air before they get back to the city and start back-stabbing each other again.

I think UML should just rename themselves ... LUM (Losers United for Marwaaris).. with due respect to all them hawt Marwaari ladies.. but most of them fake VAT-Bill wallahs do belong to the same club which distributes 'free' drinking water to pedestrians in New Road kya!

Jhallu is still the Prime-Monster and KP Oli and Madhav Kumar Nepal (MaKuNe) won't sleep until Jhallu gets out of Baluwatar rey! C'mon... at least Jhallu won them election selection and was elected from Ilam ni... whereas Oli and Makune lost and how the @#$! did Makune become our prime-monster anyway?

Hamro neta-netini haroo lai laaz sharam nai chaina... it's about tyam someone reminded them that they owe us everything .. and it's not the other way round kya!

Our Mao-buddies have decided to reshuffle their play-list and a new team will be led by former Masal-ey .. Narayan Kaji Shrestha rey. Yes, Mahara must have made enough dough for Prachandoo... he will step aside and Narayan brother will be our new 'Homie' minister rey!

Narayan Kaji lai tuh chitta (jackpot) nai parya ho.. if he hadn't decided to join the Mao-buddies and was still with them Masaleys.. then he would be eating pani-puri in Ratnpark and reading them newspapers while ghaam-taaping!

Now, He gets the #2 position ..... right behind Prachandoo! Them communists go through so many mergers and splits .. it's about tyam we ask them to stand up and tell us .. who is the real 'Slim Shady' and while them PLA soldiers are stuck in them cantonments.... the 'new' Mao-buddies are having all the fun ni!

Five years ago.. Narayan dai used to walk around Kathmandu, wearing faatey-ko looga.. now he dresses up like some Wall Street buda ... ani perfume serfume pani lagaucha rey hamro Gorkha ko hero lay! Hehe... nothing wrong with that... but I expected our Mao-buddies to be all angry communists .... taking the Micro-bus or tyampoo and drinking chiya at the local pasal!

But I was wrong... all of them Mao-netas drive around in SUVs and they like hanging out at them five-star hotels and resorts or if they want to have a party .. then they either meet at Prachandoo's palace or them former mandaley's villa silla.... I guess, two packets of wai wai ani anda sanda is not enough for our comrades!

Top Bahadur will still be a mantri whereas Post Bahadur will be our new Minister for Information and Communication. Now, we need to find Bottom Bahadur .. hope there is one somewhere in Rolpa or Prachandoo can just ask his uncle's second wife's brother's son to fill in the quota ni!

Pampha didi is back .. this tyam as 'Peace' mantri-ni and Hisila didi will look after Land Reforms rey. Pampha didi is Ram dai's (Badal) lover.... she was elected from our neighborhood kya but she is also very sojho. She is surrounded by all them former Pancheys and Congressi ghoos-khori hakim sahebs.

And Hisila didi... she can kick arse but when it comes to heading them ministries... she is like 'I have no freaking idea what I am supposed to do.. so everyone .. just do your own sheet hai'

Yes.. this happened when she was our 'tourism' mantri-ni... I think she should be our 'Education' mantri-ni baroo ... after all she was teaching at Pulchowk Engineering Campus.. she knows a thing or two about education ni!

And the list goes on and on.. so once again... tyam to divert them development funds to your own cadres ni! I hope Dr. BRB will finally get to wear the 'team' captain's band and bring all this so-called constitution writing and peace seace natak to an end kya!

The main scam artist of the 'Sudan' natak .. our former IGP Om-ey dai... should be punished kya! And our former Home Minister, Krishna dai should also be sent to jail ni! I think both of them should be jailed for 290 years and fined 290 million Rupees (Sudan kaan-daw ma ghotala bhaye ko rakam ni!).

And what about Sujata auntie and her sin-in-law Rubel 'Bangla' boy... I don't know .. Sujata auntie should be our next Ambassador to Italy and she can spend her time attending them fashion shows. I hear she's really into them shopping (luxury brands srands) and drinking 'expensive' whiskey chwisky!

Ani Rubel chahi.. well, he made billions of Rupees from them VoIP scam and millions from Sudan natak... so he's all set... maybe he can open his own fashion house after Sujata ends up in Italy... naam chai 'House of Rubble' rakhey hooncha.. saaley daaka!

And it's good to be them criminals in Nepal ... the 'Desi' contract killer who shot at our media tycoon cum fake currency dealer, Ansari dai ... got 5 years in jail and 1 lakh fine rey. Well, he should just get himself them Dish TV thing and watch 'Desi Laughter Challenge' or something.. and he will get tandoori chicken from our Desi Embassy anyway.. so enjoy hai!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Sick Politicians...

Naya Patrika, a Nepali daily has them report seport about our so-called leaders haroo ko health sealth. Hope one day they add some masala by publishing their wealth ko barey ma pani kya!

Anyways, looks like most of our 'chor' netas suffer from high blood pressure! But the good thing is that they will get flown out of the country to some hospital in Bangkok, Singapore or even in Amrika if our clowns get very sick and weak!

Unlike us, who may have to sell our land and jewelry... our netas get free medical care paid for by the state (hamrai taxpayers' kai paisa ho!)... so it's about time our corrupt clowns take care of themselves so that they can enjoy more looting (rastra ko dhukuti!) and shooting (their opponents!).

So how do you contro you high BP? I don't know ... but follow DJ Ram Dev's breathing exercise or drink Karela ko juice suice... and don't drink like crazy. Prachandoo drinks like the world will end tomorrow kya!

Most of our netas love to drink and get wasted ... except our pyaro Dr. Saheb, Baburam-ji! Baburam is the only neta who , if he goes on a foreign trip , won't spend his foreign bhatta and baroo.. he will return it back kya! And he doesn't drink... he likes black tea.. and you can get it for less than 8 Rupees at the local chiya pasal ni!

While our so-called CA members rarely go back to visit their constituents ... Dr. Saheb has been to Gorkha more than 40 tyams in less than 40 months rey! While, Upey... our foreign minister will probably visit 40 cities around the world .... Baburam goes back to Gorkha because he really wants to hang out with the folks who voted for him and it also lowers his BP rey!

And of course.. Prachandoo's chamchas don't want BRB in Gorkha every weekend because they fear that BRB will get more 'Mao-buddy Idol' votes from their cadres.. hehe!

Well, our national team has once again proven that we are not yet ready for them 'football games' against anybody except our Shark (SAARC) neighbors or East Timor. I feel bad for our 'British' Coach and I hope our brother Chand gets a try out from them British clubs... if not, he's doing okay with the 'Desi' football team making IRs 1.2 lakhs a month!

We knew Jordan was going to beat us but nine freaking goals... ali badi nai bhayo kya! Once your opponent starts scoring more than 2-3 goals then all you can do is play defense ni! Why not have like all of our players just hang around at the goal post instead of trying to run around the field?

Abuh ... we play against them Jordanians on Thursday... hamro home ground maa... and we hope they will play their reserve team and not score more than 2 goals kya. How about NTB (Nepal Tourism Board) offering them men from Middle East... free mountain flights, bungee and para-gliding pani?

After all... they really don't have them mountains or any adventure sports except camel racing or eating 20 plates of Kebabs ... hehe! Maybe then we will end with a draw or something...baroo ANFA should focus not on men's but our women's team kya!

Our women's team is used to scoring 7 goals against their opponents... and if we really want to win the World Cup someday... then our women can do it... what about our ladkas? I don't know... unless we send our 12-year olds to Barcelona and put them in their youth development program for ten years.. ani chai kehi hola.. natra ... Ganesh Thapa will still be ANFA ko President in 2030... and East Timor will beat us 5-0 then!

RIP Amy naani... we knew you were going to get wasted but not this early... now you will live forever ni.. and our prayers to the victims and their families in Norway... it's sad... but this is the world we live in... coward(s) venting their frustration(s) and anger against innocent folks!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Bbuddah... Hoga Terra Baap

I think them Desi script-wallahs are running out of stories... they should stop watching Hollywood movies ... baroo go back and watch them Bollywood movies from the 60s kya!

Every Desi movie seems to be about them Dons from Mumbai! or 'Encounter' specialist! What about them 20 million Desi folks who live in Mumbai kya? Baroo.. make a movie about that guy who sells 'Paani puri' all day and moonlights as a hit-man at night... hehe!

Here in Nepal, all them dailies only write about our netas and their chamchas! But our Kollywood has never made a movie about them corrupt clowns and their criminal cadres kya! I hope someday our Kollywood will show us the 'real' Nepal ... but until then we will have to shut up and watch them dishoom-dishoom movies and Rekha Thapa's so-called sexy dance moves hola ni!

Anyways, let's get back to 'Bbuddah....' .... I think Amitabh should have asked the director the change the title kya. How about 'Bbuddah Ho Gaya Amitabh!' or 'Meh Buddah Aur Tu Buddhi' ?

Amitabh was once them 'angry young man' ... and now he is trying hard to be a 'funny old man' kyaaruh! Hema Malini used to the be the 'dream girl' .. and now she is ... well, she still looks great hagi!

This movie's budget was around 10 crores... they sold the satellite rights ki kay bhanch ni ... for 14 crores rey. Lau... feelim banau-noo bhanda pahila nai profit kya! Raveena Tandon is back.... not a comeback but I think she just needed to buy a new Jaguar or something hola!

A friend of mine ... khoi kata baatuh ho .... got hold of Raveena's direct line ... many years back! No, I am not kidding.. this is a true story kya! During the time of cheap watery 'Bud-Light' and pork chops... my saathi used to call Raveena every week and talk to her mother.. hehe!

Well, Raveena was a busy actress then... but he got along with her mother ... and he was like.. the number #1 fan (just like our brother from London, Lex Limbu is fan of Jharana)! They never met... but now it's 'Facebook' ruh 'Skype' ko jawana... so I hope he has added her as his friend and is busy skyping hola ni!

Amitabh should not do jpt movies anymore... he is now a senior citizen. He should do one 'last' movie and then call it quits kya! Or be like that Scottish old man, Sean Connery hola!

I think Ram Gopal Varma should write the 'final finale' .... no, not Sarkar Warkar thing again.... but the final goodbye movie for Amitabh... the man who changed Bollywood from .... them 'British-style' clothing and sophisticated looks to 'angry paan chewing Dhoti wearing' Hero-hiralal circus act...hehe!

So what would the final movie be about? I don't know.... but like there will only be one 'Madonna', 'Maradona' and 'Michael'.... there will only be one and only.... 'Big B' ... so why not go out with a bang .... instead of a foos-foos kya?

Friday, July 22, 2011

Pee-on-the-People Budget!

Guff Suff: Guffadi / The Week - Republica, Friday, July 22nd 2011 (Editor's cut!)... and they had a 'free' cartoon pani.. yipeeee!

Every year, we expect something for the common citizens; but as usual, our national budget makes sure that we feed the rich capitalists, criminals, cadres, and civil servants.

Our Finance Minister, VAT Mohan Grandpa, didn’t get manhandled and that means our Mao-buddies and the Madheshi netas got some home-pack chicken chilly hola ni!

Every year, them taxes on surti, churot and raksi go up like crazy. We have no clue when it comes to our governmental policies, but maybe they just want us to quit drinking and smoking hola.

Or they are forcing our drunks to visit the villages to take a crash course on brewing their own moonshine and growing their own tobacco ityaadi.

Them vehicles are taxed like crazy and yet we get new potholes every year, and you need to buy good sturdy boots if you plan on walking on them pavements in the Valley.

It’s the government’s job to tax us, but what good is it if them taxes aren’t utilized for the public good?

Look at our public hospitals, schools and what not. Either the civil servants are busy playing cards in the villages or busy sipping milk-tea and reading newspapers as if they are sitting in their own living rooms instead of them sarkaari offices.

Not everything went up, of course. If you want to buy them LCD, plasma TVs, then you’ll pay less tax this time rey. And the same goes for them plastic bags and baby products or something like that. I have no idea who comes up with all these tax rates and stuff?

Did the officials at the Ministry of Finance get into the baby products and TV import-export business? And I think their relatives must’ve opened some plastic factory somewhere in Terai because them plastic bags just got cheaper rey.

Well, plastic bags are more durable than paper bags hola ni. And when it’s raining, you can use one to cover your head or use it as a shower cap at home.

And do go out and buy them LCD TVs, and when load shedding season arrives to its fullest, you can just stare at the junk and throw some Wai Wai and chiura, add some masala into the plastic bag, shake it well and have khaja or something.

It’s us the common citizens who have to pay taxes while our netas and their chamchas drive around in stolen vehicles and invest in jagga and what not from their ill-gotten wealth.

Now, you don’t have to even disclose your source of income when you go to a bank and deposit that Rs 10 lakhs you extorted from someone.

And if you made your money selling rhino horns or smuggling them wood sood and herbs, then just buy some jagga as long as it’s under one crore. Then you don’t have to disclose your shady business deals either.

It’s now party tyam for our netas, their cadres and contractors! Our rural areas receive a massive budget for them development projects every year, and the local netas, who are the contractors themselves, divvy up the funds while the poor get nothing but few boras of rotten rice.

While the Finance Minister is happy that his “hawadari” Budget finally saw the light of the day, our Foreign Minister is once again embarking on them foreign junkets.

He’ll now visit Russia and Brazil rey! Okay, have fun! But can you learn new tricks and make good use of them when you come back?

Like open a samba school or introduce some kind of a carnival thing like they have in Brazil. I don’t know much about Russia except vodka, mafias and Putin.

We already have different brands of vodka here, and talking about mafia, they don’t exist in Nepal! Here, we call them “unions” and everybody from the vegetable seller to them civil servants has one kya! Aba baanki rahyo Putin. Well, he’ll be the President again soon!

So let’s hope Upey is busy kissing Putin’s arse, so that we’ll get some foreign grant srant from the Russians; or if that doesn’t work out, we can just invite them oligarchs, who are now on the wrong side of Kremlin anyway, to move their assets to Nepal! We’ll even give them our diplomatic passports for free kya.

At the end of the day, we the people are taxed like crazy so that our “corrupt” clowns can continue to rip us off.

We hope one day we’ll have regulations which will make it mandatory for our political parties and our netas to file their income tax forms every year and list all their political contributors.

Sounds like some April Fool joke to me!

So our dear netas and their chamchas, civil servants and contractors: Please do continue to have fun in the sun while we, them ordinary folks eat, sukkha bun!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Bail Money...

The 'Sudan' scam is going nowhere... well, it looks like our former senior cops are all ready to come up with them bank guarantees kya! Former IGPs, Hem-ey dai and the 'Thakuri' Saheb have both posted their bail and now they can sail home .. hehe!

Where do our cops get them money soney.... last time I did them math.. it would have taken them former IGPs nearly 200 years to make that kind of money. How the hell can you come up with 5-7 crores Rupees?

And even them DSPs and SSPs are posting like 1.5crores bail sail and going home for some daal bhaat! Okay, they did get to spend a night in DilliBazar ko jail sail.. but they were given the jailor's bed hola! I don't think they spent a night sleeping with them inmates and sharing surti, churot and a glass of raksi ni!

Yes, our former home ministers and them agents are not responsible for them 'Sudan' mess kya! So, Rubel ... the 'Bangla' foreign prince gets to fly out of the country. Sitaula, Bam Dev and Bhim Rawan (Rawal) are still driving around town in them free SUVs and security paid for by the taxpayers... kya mazza hagi!

I think the bail amount should be increased hola... how about like 50crores kya. Then, let's see if these corrupt cops can come up with all them dhito sito for them bank guarantees ni!

I still remember DB Lama.. our former IGP who was jailed during them Panchey days... and then when GP, our great 'hawaldar' came to Kathmandu, chewing them paan saan... he freed Lama dai and gave his confiscated properties back...

What did Lama do in return? He gave GP .. 10 croroes.. got a ticket from Rasuwa, won them election selection and went on to become a minister.. haha! Now.. if that's not funny that just get a cucumber and daw-lo some dalley on it and have fun kya!

So our former IGPs should now all go to them political parties... pay them off and maybe they will also get a ticket in the next general election. And who knows... they can come back as our 'Homie' Minister and maybe then... they can figure out how to prosecute them former 'Homie' ministers who made millions from them faulty APCs and stuff kya!

I think ... the best punishment would be to send all them police officers and even our three 'jackasses' (Bhimay-Bamey-Krishney) to Sudan.. and let them stay there for six months.. in the sun and enjoy the 100+ degree weather and maybe they can drive them APCs there!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

What would Murdoch do?

Rupey Murdoch is everywhere.... and it's not just because of them 'hacking' scandals in the UK! He owns Fox News... the TV network filled with rednecks and hot blonde bimbos (not all blondes are bimbos ni feri!). It's good Kiran naani decided to move to CNN than staying at FOX and talking BS kya!

So what can we learn from all these nataks? Well, it doesn't matter where you live... them media-byapari-netas nexus exist and politicians and civil servants are a bunch of corrupt buffoons kya!

So how did this Australian go from owning just one newspaper in Australia to rule the world? (well... he controls nearly all of them major newspapers in them Amriki, British and Aussie market kya!)

Rupey was not an evil tycoon when he started out. He was just another Aussie lad... went to Oxford (either he was smart or his Daddy was able to pull some strings hola ni!) and he was a big Labour fan... aka communist .. hehe!

I think we are all communist when we are in our 20s... we become socialist in our 30s... and by the tyam we are 40.. we are all capitalist pigs hola ni!

Rupey has been married three tyams... he was in his late 60s when he started learning Kung-Fu from Ms. Deng who was barely 30 kya! Age doesn't matter.... but now even at 80.. Rupey is still going strong both physically (hehe!) and financially.... making deals on both sides of the Atlantic.

While King Midas had his golden touch... King Rupey has his 'trashy' touch kya. Whatever he touches.. turns into trash.. be it them newspapers, TV networks etiyaadi... but trash sells because most of us don't want to listen to experts and their nataks.. we want to read tabloids and listen to people who talk trash .. hehe!

Shutting down one tabloid is not going to make this scandal go away.... but if this were to happen in our 'New' Nepal... then it would be like.. 'so what?' .... we watched Prachandoo brag about how he inflated them numbers of his PLA folks and got extra pocket money!

We listened to Mahara learning Mandarian 101 with some Chinese businessman, asking him for 50 crores to pay off them CA members etiyaadi.... but here in Nepal, we just move on kya! While in them West, politicians and civil servants resign... our netas and civil servants just walk over us and go on to become richer and more powerful kya!

I hope this 'hacking' scandal will make Super Dave piss in his pants! This is not only about corrupt politicians or them police-wallahs in the UK... it's about ordinary folks... and how their privacy have been violated by Rupey's employees!

Rupey Murdoch has to pay.... he is no longer the laid-back Aussie. (he became an Amriki citizen so that he could own them TV networks there!).. he is one of the most powerful men on Earth... it's about time ... he learn to live with the mortals and somebody .. well, them English speaking folks in the land of Hot Dogs, Tea and Crocodile Dundee.. should stand up and say 'Enough.... we don't want your trash.... Rupey... and just take your cash and your trash and move to Zimbabwe!'

Mugabe would be happy to have Murdoch... and he can start a tabloid there baroo...hehe! Or visit Nepal 2011... and team up with Jana Astha and publish a tabloid or two yeta pani.. hehe!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Darjeeling Limited...

Mamata didi has finally done the right thing.... and them Bengali Communists can choke on them Kolkotta Kati Rolls kya! I wish we had our netinis like Mamata didi.... but what to do yaar.. we have Sujata auntie and Bidya didi... hehe!

I think we need to have a new political party .. kya... get all 'Aama Samuha' to band together and form a new party which will kick all our 'communist' and 'opportunist' haroo ko arses kya! Let's talk about that some other day... today, we talk about Darjeeling!

Well, Darjeeling won't be another new state but they got them autonomy stuff kyaaruh... hope Bimal Gurung and his goondas learn a thing or two from our Nepali brothers and sisters in Sikkim! Darjeeling's been a daang-doong land since Subash uncle started them 'Gorkhland' dance routine.

And what did they get? Nothing but brothers killing each other ... and finally Bimal dai, Subash Ghising's side-kick decided it was tyam for the old man to go! Yes.. it's the same with them mobsters kya... the local don takes over the Godfather's empire... hehe!

Darjeeling will receive like 6 billion (Indian) Rupees in the next few years... it will be governed by them 45 netas and netinis (+5 nominated by the Central government rey!)... and let us pray and hope that Bimal and his gang will do some good work instead of just swallowing them billions of Rupees and getting richer and fatter like our netas kya.

What can we learn from Darjeeling? First, education matters... all our Dazzy bros and sis... either have a college degree or know how to play 7 different musical instruments and sing songs in Nepali, English and Danglish ... hehe!

If you look back to the 70s... all them great writers (writing in Nepali!), singers and musicians etiyaadi.... were from the 76th district kya!

Dazzy folks are friendly and they really celebrate Bhanu Bhakta ko birthday like crazy. While, we Nepalis here in Nepal... really don't care about our poets, writers, musicians ... artists and what not kya!

Yes, Kathmanduites make fun of Dazzy bros because of their 'Aaainch.. ani tuh bro, yesto ni ... ' die-logs.. but at the end of the day... we have a lot to learn from them as well.

People from Darjeeling can teach us a thing or two about what it means to be a Nepali! Jata Jau .. Jata Basoom... Mun tuh Nepali nai ho kya! I have never been to Darjeeling... but I plan to go there this year... because I want to visit Hum Jayega's residence, see that little chook-chook (train) and dance with my girlfriend.. tyo chiya-baari ma kya!

Darjeeling will never be an independent state like Sikkim. Hope Bimal dai and his gang understand that hola... but now they get to decide where they want to take Darjeeling from here onwards.... do they want to do another circus act and pit brother versus brother and fight against each other ... or forget all them daang doong and give the people of Darjeeling... what they have wanted for so long!

What is? No more shutdowns , no more daang doong... provide jobs and better services to their own people.... we are happy for our Dazzy folks... but Bimal-ey is not a leader... he is just another goon... hope he understands that now.. he can change Darjeeling for better or worse!

Monday, July 18, 2011

US Diversity Lottery Visa

Them DV Lottery result is out.... and congrats to our folks who will now fly to the land of opportunity where you can gorge on hot dogs and cheap watery beer and drive on the wrong side and start thinking in Fahrenheit... hehe!

Today, I am writing this Guffadi's advice not for our NRNs or business-wallahs or parents who go to Amrika to attend them kids' haroo ko graduation etiyaadi!

Winning the 'DV' jackpot doesn't mean.. Obama will personally meet you at Dulles and invite you over for a cup of coffee and cookies with Michelle and family kya!

It doesn't matter if you have a Masters in Political Science from TU or have worked for some financial institution for the last 15 years ... no, you are not going to work as a lecturer or get a job at Wells Fargo just because you have them experiences here in Nepal.

A friend of mine has them Masters in Rajniti and is now in Amrika. Before he left, he was like.. I will get a job at some Uni teaching political science. I said... no... you will get a good job at 7-Eleven and if you work hard for a year or two, you will be promoted to manager and then you will spend all your tyam trying to manage them employees who fail to show up or quit after a weekend of binge drinking etiyaadi!

Work is work.. it doesn't matter if you are a janitor or a NASA ko scientist... both of you will pay taxes... you will drive them cars... it doesn't matter if you bought it for 2,000 dollars or got yourself the new 'Lexus' or something!

Lastuh ma Nepali lay khaney tuh tyehi daal bhaat nai ho! At the end of the day, it's all about savings kya! Even if you make $300 a week working for some Desi ko perfume shop in New York... you can still save some ... that is .. if you don't drink six bottles of Heineken every day and play the NY state lottery.. or hop on a Greyhound Bus and visit the Atlantic City Casino temple every weekend!

Arko saathi has them MBA from KU, and worked for them banks... he is also in Amrika now. Both DV winners but they have chosen different routes to achieve their Amriki dream sream!

The politician has decided that he will slug it out for the next ten years.. and someday own them convenience stores and stuff. He is making good money and so is his wife, who works at the laundry pasal... they have a house now and they will probably spend the rest of their lives ... paying for it.

Yes, he couldn't be a teaching assistant but he has his 10 year plan... and his goal is to work hard so that their kids will enjoy the Amriki life while they build a sizable nest egg and as soon as their kids go off to colleges... he and his wife will come back to Nepal and spend their retirement days.. visiting the holy places here and in India!

The MBA dude has decided to enroll in an university and do another MBA. It will be tough for him for the next year or two. His wife is also in college studying nursing rey. And for the next two years, they will probably spend like... 30-40K to get them Amriki degrees.

Well, the US economy is @#$!ed... but Mrs. will probably get a job right after her graduation.. and my friend might not get a job at Goldman Sachs but he will do alright hola... and if he doesn't get a job there .. then he will go to Dubai or Qatar or them Middle East countries where them Amrikis have invested quite a lot.. rey!

Both of them have plans... and they are sticking to it. Some people have no plans... (like me?).. they just go along with the flow and that's where you falter and get depressed and start acting like a crazy hobo.. hehe!

So to all my brothers and sisters.. the lucky winners of the DV lottery (well, you have to go for an interview and get them papers stamped by our Amriki consulars .. pani!) .... please make sure that you have your game plan ready! If it takes Jason Kidd 17 years to win them NBA title... then it might take you longer to finally be the 'Amriki'... kya!

As you can see.. your degree or work experience means zilch in Amrika... so if you really want to start working the next day you arrive in New York or Miami or New Hampshire... make sure you have some skills ready kya!

Like what? ... Learn to make them egg-whites, home-fries .... sandwiches if you want to work in a Deli. Learn them plumping slumbing, carpentry .... painting etiyaadi if you want to make more $$$ and have a flexible work schedule!

Visit the Holy Sadhu, Google Baba and learn as much as you can about the place you are planning to make your new home... the bus routes, the train schedule and visit Youtube Mata... to learn few Amriki slangs and how they speak etiyaadi!

It doesn't matter if you have an accent.. like Govinda (me!) ... or if you speak in them confusing 'Brit-Amriki-Kenyan' accent... my word of advice... speak slowly. Don't mumble and don't start telling a story like them British clowns kya! Speak slowly... take your time.. get to the point... they will understand!

Just be confident and shout 'Hey, whaaaaatzzzzup... Give me a Coffee , black, two sugars and that wheat bagel with cream cheese' and when he's done packing.. just hand him a ten-dollar bill.. Next tyam, you will know how much it costs and the guy will only nod his head and hand him your daily morning khaja everytime you go to his cart kya!

BTW.. Amrika is really a great country! The only place on Earth where you do get a second chance.. and it doesn't matter if your father is a Sarkaari hakim or them corrupt netas... or a cobbler or a tailor. You are a human being not just some jaat bhaat like here in Nepal. You work hard.. you save.. you make it!

And will somebody please open them 24-hour diner here in Kathmandu? I could like go out for a coffee and early morning breakfast at 3 in the morning and our DV lottery winners, who would like to get some 'Amriki' work experience can do some part-tyam work kya!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Expensive Drinks, Trinks & Winks!

Every year... our so-called Finance Minister does his Budget Bhaa-sun and we act like he's going to pull a rabbit out of his arse or something. Poor rabbit.... VAT Mohan Adhikari needs to go to Kasi and become a Jogi baroo.. instead of trying to screw us over by getting cozy with the fake-VAT bill wallahs!

So what's new? Nothing.... every year them tobacco and raksi, beer ko taxes go up and you end up paying more .... well, it's a good thing rey.. it discourages them smokers and drunks to either quit or cut down on them bad habits rey!

Yes, baroo raise them taxes by like 1,000% ni... and maybe we can fund our public hospitals and schools kya.. .but it's not going to happen.. this is 'New' Nepal where them 'Old' clowns still run the show and new born babies have no future at all!

If you don't drink raksi then your liver won't explode. If you don't smoke then your lungs won't explode and if you don't drink them sugary-water aka colas... then you won't have to visit the dentist or you won't have to inject them insulin sinsulin rey!

So if you have guests at home.. then just offer them water (boiled & filtered hai!) and if they complain then just make them aware that you don't want any explosion in your house kya... and if they want to drink then tell them to go to the villages and learn how to make the 'local'... raksi!

And them vehicle taxes go up every year... and our roads get new pot holes as well! So kay bhancha correlation ki kay ho ... if taxes go up then all our bato ghato, batti satti, paani saani just FAIL hola ni!

But don't worry.... we have to thank our 74 year old grandpa for doing all he can to kiss them byaparis' arses kya! And we should not blame him .. because all his life.. he has known only one thing... how to raise funds for UML and he's good at it.. .that's why he is a mantri and you are not kya!

And you don't make money for your party by going to the street and begging for alms from the jantas.. you feed the rich (they give you tips!) and you tax the poor kya.. yestai ho yeha ko chalan!

Now, you don't have to show your source of income if you deposit Rs 10 lakhs and don't worry, you can buy them jagga sagga and not worry about it as long as it's under 1 crore rey!

So I guess... instead of buying 100 ropanis and doing some plotting slotting ... just buy a ropani here and there (outskirts ma!) and register it in your driver's name. That's what most of our netas do... hehe!

And thanks to VAT Mohan's new 'economic' policy.. we can now buy them plastic bags for cheap hai... so what do we with all them plastic bags? Well, you can use it as a shower cap hola ni... taruh paani nai chaina... and if you are into them LCD, Plasma TVs .. something like that.. then them taxes chahi ghaw-tey cha hai... so buy all them TVs and when load shedding season arrives to its fullest... just stare at that junk or just cover it with a plastic bora or something!

And now it's party tyam for our netas, their chamchas and all them shady contractors! Enjoy.. have fun.... the Maoists get like 9 billion Rupees.... it's good to be a politician hagi.. so please.. our pickpocket brothers, murderers, hit-men and all them mundrey goondas... just join politics and make billions.. ye sorry... all them cadres are criminals anyway.. so continue to have fun in the sun while we, them ordinary folks eat sukkha bun!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

Them Akhtars really make cool Desi movies .... be it Farhan or his sister Zoya... Farhan showed us how them upper-class Desi guys do their bhangra-sangra in Dil Chahta Hai... while Zoya gave us Luck By Chance and now ZNMD (hehe!).... and as usual... it's about them Desi folks who are living the 'good life' hola ni! And why is Katrina Kaif in this movie?

First of all, be it them Desis or Nepalis .... who gets a visa to Spain... just to hang out and learn Spanish 101? We don't ... but if you are rich or related to them politicians then you do get your passport stamped with the foreign visas ni!

Yes, them students do get them opportunities to study abroad but I don't think 99% of us with them Shark (SAARC) passports will get to go on a road trip somewhere in them EU countries kya! And even if you do... them EU-places are so freaking expensive.. it's not like NYC where you can get a Pretzel for a buck or some cheap Chinese buffet for $4.95 or travel to Boston for less than 20 dollars (but you might die ... because them drivers either fall asleep or forget they are no longer in Shanghai!)

Anyways... what the hell is Hrithik Roshan doing in this movie? He should be doing his Papa's 'Desi Super Hero' nautanki nataks ni! Oye.. I forgot.. Krrish 2 is coming out next year.... and by the time my son or daughter is 4... I will give him or her them 6-combo DVDs (tyeti bela samma tuh Part 6 and 7 pani aucha hola ni!)

Abhay Deol is cool... he sucks @ them Bollywood mix-masala movies but them Desi indies does suit him well. Check out Road Movie and Dev D! I think Abhay Deol will be around for a long tyam... Aamir Khan's bhanjey and Ranbir Kapoor will be hosting them TV shows and might move to them TV serials by 2015... yes, Guffadi's prediction hehe!

And Farhan Akhtar should either do Rock On II or direct Dil Chahta Hai II... hola! I hope we don't get 'Karthik Calling Karthik Who Calls Another Karthik' next tyam hai! And he is back directing.. Don was crap and Don 2 will be extra super-size crap hola ni!

Well, we all need the money kya... but Akhtar will be around for a while... because by 2020... Bollywood will no longer have to depend on UP,MP and Bihar to break them 100 crores @ them Box-Office! And when we have all them BPO-wallahs and their 'new' accents filling up them theatres every where ... Dil Chahta IV will make tons of dough kya!

I liked this movie.... it's pretty good but I don't know why them Desi film-wallahs need to go all the way to Spain and waste 16 tons of tomatoes and shoot them scenes @ them nude beach and then ask them nudists to not walk around when they are shooting kya? That's like... Tulsi Ghimire going to Ratnapark and asking people to disappear hola ni.. hehe!

I think this movie would have been great if the three Desi musketeers had gone to a village and they work to build them toilets and finally... all of them decide to quit their jobs and start some VC (Venture Capital) fund to help social entrepreneurs or something like that.. hehe!

And if they really want them NRI ladies... then why not have them Desi girls from New York who visit India and work in them villages for few months and fall in love with these three musketeers ni.... and then what?

Then... all three of the get married, get their papers stamped and go on a road trip .... in Amrika kya!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Fold 'em or hold 'em

Guff Suff: Guffadi / The Week - Republica, Friday, July 15th 2011 (Editor's cut!)

Former King-ji/G, a.k.a. Lord Vishnu, is 65. Amrika is 235. If only King PN (Prithvi Narayan, and not Party Nepal ni feri!) had met George Washington, then we would be the United States of Nepal. China would be Canada hola. And India chahi what? Mexico?

So how does Gyanu Uncle spend his days now? I don’t know, but I hope he’s cutting down on them cigarettes, and his memoirs should be ready by now.

It’s been more than three years since Gyanu Uncle quit his throne, and even though our Raja-buddies still believe that he shouldn’t have folded his cards, he must’ve done his debit and credit ni.

After all, he’s a pukka byapari, and I think it would be great if he taught a class or two at KU and shared his business acumen with our MBA students. And if he still has some free time, then he can take the local bus to Kirtipur and teach our Poli Sci students a thing or two at TU pani!

Our current Emperor, Lord Prachandoo, should quit his one-man “Buddha-Gandhi-Jungey” show and hand over the team captain’s band to Dr Saheb kya. Mohan Baidya should first learn how to smile; it’ll make him look a few years younger and might win the hearts and minds of all grumpy old men hola.

Dr BRB (for our chat-wallahs, it’s not “Be right back” hai!) needs to bulk up on some protein milkshakes.

Yes, please do eat like 43 egg-whites and pump some iron kya. BRB is a much safer choice to be our national team captain because if Baidya Dai becomes our prime-monster, then he might just invade India (alone!), and we don’t want to bully our neighbors ni.

But is our Emperor ready to forgo all them money and muscles? I don’t think so. He’s happy being the CEO and Chairman of Mao Inc.

NRB should ask the Emperor to register his party as a financial institution (A+++) and stop pestering our great bank-wallahs by making it difficult for them to swindle the depositors’ money and hand out loans to their wives and kids hoina ni?

And we have our Kangaroos and their usual tug-of-war games. Sushil Da is visiting “New” places! He was in New York and cried because nobody wanted to take him to Coney Island and buy him a hot dog. Now, he’s in New Delhi meeting all them Desi leaders and bawling because nobody wants to take him to Chandni Chowk rey.

Sher-ey Dai wants to lead the national team. The last time Sher-ey was our team captain, he dissolved them local bodies and we’re still suffering to this day. Our local leaders are busy minting money by submitting them fake bills for the roads they never built, the pigs they never reared, and even schools and hospitals that don’t exist.

So, let’s not be too hard on our byaparis. Yes, we must respect our privacy laws and never disclose them fake VAT-bill wallahs, or else our great Communist netas will have to come out from the closet and admit that they are pukka capitalists kya.

Why are our Comrades always coming up with them long-term plans for the country when they know that their main task is to just write the freaking Constitution?

Maybe, Nepal Unites should invite all our CA clowns to a picnic in Godavari and just lock up them up inside the Botanical Gardens and make sure that they do enjoy the greenery until they finish their task.

And it’s good to be a civil servant. They are getting a 25% pay hike so that they can put more money in their saving accounts while their chiya kharcha fees can be used to buy jagga, ghar and gaadi.

I think the Public Service Commission needs to edit their manual or something because our great uncivil masters only serve the netas and their chamchas while the confused citizens visit all the rooms in them sarkaari offices before they realize that they could’ve saved themselves the “free tour” of the premises if they had kindly given the “towel-on-the-chair” guy some chiya kharcha!

And once again, time for our new budget sudget, and our Comrades are very busy trying to figure out how to dole out taxpayers’ money to their cadres and criminals – ye sorry, them criminals are their cadres ni! And the Kangaroos will not approve of this rey.

But if they get some juicy leftovers, then they seem to change their mind in a jiffy.

When it comes to sharing the loot, our netas will agree to act as a team. But for everything else, they are just hell bent on scoring them suicide goals and making money off them foreign bookies kya!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Budget 2011-12....

Jhan Aajuh Budget Bhaa-shawn soon-choo bhaneko.. VAT Mohan aka 'Bhaat-Maara' tuh soot-ay-ruh po basey-cha ni! Yes, wanted to hear Vatty dai, our Finance Minister give his 'I speak, you go to sleep' budget speech but looks like he has backed out because he doesn't want to get beaten up by our Madeshi Rambos ni!

Last year, another Finance Minister was nearly stripped down to his lagau-thi (Nepali thong song!) when the Mao-buddies decided to snatch his briefcase and tear them paper saper kya... so Vatty dai was like 'The Madeshis netas might just start slapping me and I am an old man... I can't do this'... rey!

Now... all you need to do is throw a few billion Rupees to our so-called Madeshi netas and then it's back to business kya! Sharing is caring bhancha ni... our netas love to share the loot ani janta ko dhaad ma chahi tyehi chor-police ko sasto boot kya!

So... it's been put off till tomorrow... and our own Kangaroo, Sushil Da arrives from Delhi as well... maybe he has some tricks up his sleeves thanks to his kissing them Desi neta and neti-nis arses! Talking about India.. our prayers to them bomb blasts victims and their families!

Hope that Shiva Sena cartoonist will not go on a rant and lash out against innocent Muslim folks ... Mumbai is a tough town and them Mumbaikars are resilient folks... but what have them Desi government learned so far?... this is not the first tyam ni... 2008 pani birsey cha tee gadha Desi neta haroo lay!

I still remember them 1993 tiruh ko Bombay Blast.... yes, it was still Bombay then kya.... and now here we are ... 2011 ma pani.... where are them so-called RAW agents, CBI clowns and the Mumbai encounter-wallahs?

I guess they are too busy running around Kathmandu hola ni.... calling New Delhi... secure your home first kya! Them Desi politicians will now blame each other ... and at the end of the day, be it India, Nepal or them Shark (SAARC) countries... we, the people suffer while them netas and their families get all them security paid for by them taxpayers' money kya!

Ye.. let's get back to the budget story. Our budget is not for the people.. it's for them cadres, criminals and civil servants. What about them netas? Well, they get their cut from all of them kya.. hehe!

And as usual... your drinks will get expensive, you will pay more taxes on them vehicles and what not... but NOC will still sell adulterated fuel (tyo pani shortage wortage!), NEA will still give you 18hrs to dance in the dark, NAC will cancel them flights and will end up with no planes... NTC will probably come up with a 'no network 24 hrs service' ...

So... stop buying them bideshi rakshi, go to a gaun and learn how to make them local raksi from some hajur-ama, blend them leftovers with cooking oil and experiment.. you might find the solution to the fuel crisis, dance in the dark and be proud that our government is doing a favor to Mother Earth by turning off them lights and throw away your cell phones, train them stray pigeons and start your private mail carrier service in Kathmandu!

What about NAC? Why the @#$! do you need to fly? Just walk kya.. walking is healthy and if your college wants you to be in Texas by August 24th, tell them.... ' I will be there.... in 2020!' .. hehe!

Jai Hos.. hope our netas and their chamchas have another year of fun with our funds while we get nothing more but only bunds (bandhs!) kya.