Friday, July 22, 2011

Pee-on-the-People Budget!


Guff Suff: Guffadi / The Week - Republica, Friday, July 22nd 2011 (Editor's cut!)... and they had a 'free' cartoon pani.. yipeeee!


Every year, we expect something for the common citizens; but as usual, our national budget makes sure that we feed the rich capitalists, criminals, cadres, and civil servants.

Our Finance Minister, VAT Mohan Grandpa, didn’t get manhandled and that means our Mao-buddies and the Madheshi netas got some home-pack chicken chilly hola ni!

Every year, them taxes on surti, churot and raksi go up like crazy. We have no clue when it comes to our governmental policies, but maybe they just want us to quit drinking and smoking hola.

Or they are forcing our drunks to visit the villages to take a crash course on brewing their own moonshine and growing their own tobacco ityaadi.

Them vehicles are taxed like crazy and yet we get new potholes every year, and you need to buy good sturdy boots if you plan on walking on them pavements in the Valley.

It’s the government’s job to tax us, but what good is it if them taxes aren’t utilized for the public good?

Look at our public hospitals, schools and what not. Either the civil servants are busy playing cards in the villages or busy sipping milk-tea and reading newspapers as if they are sitting in their own living rooms instead of them sarkaari offices.

Not everything went up, of course. If you want to buy them LCD, plasma TVs, then you’ll pay less tax this time rey. And the same goes for them plastic bags and baby products or something like that. I have no idea who comes up with all these tax rates and stuff?

Did the officials at the Ministry of Finance get into the baby products and TV import-export business? And I think their relatives must’ve opened some plastic factory somewhere in Terai because them plastic bags just got cheaper rey.

Well, plastic bags are more durable than paper bags hola ni. And when it’s raining, you can use one to cover your head or use it as a shower cap at home.

And do go out and buy them LCD TVs, and when load shedding season arrives to its fullest, you can just stare at the junk and throw some Wai Wai and chiura, add some masala into the plastic bag, shake it well and have khaja or something.

It’s us the common citizens who have to pay taxes while our netas and their chamchas drive around in stolen vehicles and invest in jagga and what not from their ill-gotten wealth.

Now, you don’t have to even disclose your source of income when you go to a bank and deposit that Rs 10 lakhs you extorted from someone.

And if you made your money selling rhino horns or smuggling them wood sood and herbs, then just buy some jagga as long as it’s under one crore. Then you don’t have to disclose your shady business deals either.

It’s now party tyam for our netas, their cadres and contractors! Our rural areas receive a massive budget for them development projects every year, and the local netas, who are the contractors themselves, divvy up the funds while the poor get nothing but few boras of rotten rice.

While the Finance Minister is happy that his “hawadari” Budget finally saw the light of the day, our Foreign Minister is once again embarking on them foreign junkets.

He’ll now visit Russia and Brazil rey! Okay, have fun! But can you learn new tricks and make good use of them when you come back?

Like open a samba school or introduce some kind of a carnival thing like they have in Brazil. I don’t know much about Russia except vodka, mafias and Putin.

We already have different brands of vodka here, and talking about mafia, they don’t exist in Nepal! Here, we call them “unions” and everybody from the vegetable seller to them civil servants has one kya! Aba baanki rahyo Putin. Well, he’ll be the President again soon!

So let’s hope Upey is busy kissing Putin’s arse, so that we’ll get some foreign grant srant from the Russians; or if that doesn’t work out, we can just invite them oligarchs, who are now on the wrong side of Kremlin anyway, to move their assets to Nepal! We’ll even give them our diplomatic passports for free kya.

At the end of the day, we the people are taxed like crazy so that our “corrupt” clowns can continue to rip us off.

We hope one day we’ll have regulations which will make it mandatory for our political parties and our netas to file their income tax forms every year and list all their political contributors.

Sounds like some April Fool joke to me!

So our dear netas and their chamchas, civil servants and contractors: Please do continue to have fun in the sun while we, them ordinary folks eat, sukkha bun!

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