Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Welcome Back, Kotter!

A friend of mine is back from Amrika... he's really excited to be back home after Ram-Ban-Baas years... (14 years!) ... and he wants to invest here and there.... everywhere! I tell him 'Welcome back .... but relax, wait for the monsoon to end then go on a 3 month long trek kya.. .try the ABC (Annapurna Base Camp) thing then the EBC (Everest Base Camp)... then go all the way to Dolpo (Yes it's not Dolpa!) .... then only come back to this great city of Kathmandu and when the load shedding schedule changes from 2 to 18 hrs a day ... use a lantern (solar tuki will do!) and go through your ideas once again kya!

When I came back... I was even scared to go out because the last tyam I left.. I was busy organizing BBQs in the middle of Ring Road... and now you can't even cross the other side without risking your life. If the truck doesn't hit you, them biker-wallahs will probably run you over!

And the only reason we used to hang out there was because our great TV guy, Mr. Bijay Kumar used to come to our neighborhood to visit his then girlfriend (now his wife!), our hero-ni didi kya! We used to shout at him 'Kay hau.. Laaamo Laamo samaya pachi bhet ghaaat!' ...

The internet speed was vary vary slow even back in 2008 .... you couldn't even watch them YouTube videos but now it's getting better ... so if you are confused on what to do next.. then just watch them Russell Peters ko videos and stay home... hehe!

Anyways, here are them Guffadi tips on what to do once you are back for good hai and sorry if it doesn't make sense. You know by now that I am a vary vary bad influence kya!

1. First... go to all vyar vyar momos and eat all you can... need to get your tummy localized kya. Yes, you might be meditating in your bathroom a lot but eventually .. you will be able to enjoy all them local stuff and no ... you didn't come back so that you could go to them Italian, French and them bideshi khana khaney thau.. go to Patan, Kirtipur, Bhaktapur and try the 'real' local dishes! If you still crave for Italian.. then go back to Venice.. hehe!

2. Get not one but two Sim cards from two different carriers.. NTC and NCell... so if one's network is crappy then the other one might work and please be prepared to receive a text a day later and even if you received it few seconds ago and you don't want to respond then you can always blame the network and tell your friend that you never got the text!

3. Yes, your ideas might work or it might never catch on.. so take your time, look around... hang out with your byapari friends who never left but now drive around in them Range Rover shit and talk about holidays in Venice! It's all about perception kya... but never believe like 99% of what they say.. because they are either involved in them Ponzi schemes or only know how to evade them taxes and pay off everyone to get them government contracts.. hehe!

Just be friends with them like... 'Kay Cha.. Thik Cha' not like I want to invest in your projects because they own them banks and finance companies and they will leave you high and dry when them projects go nowhere.

4. Baroo hang out with your friends who are teaching, working in some bank as managers or working in them NGOs in them remote areas kya! Listen to their stories... they are the real folks and they don't have to put on an act sact kya. Just because your cousin came back and is running a 100-ropani ma some organic thing doesn't mean you should do the same. Baroo... open a vyar vyar momo shop or a Kiddie store!

Everybody loves them vyar vyar momos and them children stuff are so expensive in Kathmandu .... baroo if you open a nice little children store and sell your stuff @ a reasonable price then Kathmandu ko parents will love you and when the kids grow older..they can also visit your momo pasal as well!

5. Don't bitch, whine and complain .... yes, them traffic sucks and so does every other sarkari hakims. You need to pay for all them express services and that's how it is in Nepal. And don't talk about them rights and responsibilities.... and argue with them traffic cops during the day or with them other cops during the night! Don't argue with the taxi drivers, waiters or .. just don't argue unless you know some crazy martial art stuff and can do what Rajnikanth does!

But if you do argue and you are surrounded by 20 micro-bus drivers who want to kick your arse then just find the skinniest one and slap him hard then shout ' Malai Chini-naws.. Ma tey-rai union ko leader hoom!' .. hehe... I tried that once and it worked!

Okay, I will try to come up with a Guffadi's handbook 'Now you are back .... but don't be such a hack!' ... some other tyam hai... Lau .. welcome back Saathi... just enjoy the monsoon hai!

Ye... I nearly forgot... it doesn't matter if you are 44 or 24.... you will be grounded, there will be curfews and you will have to eat Daal bhaat before you go out in the morning and you better eat Daal Bhaat again when you come back home or else Mom will beat you with a broom.. hehe!

But this is our land... and even if them netas suck and the system is @#$!ed up... it's still the best place on Earth ... take your time and do good... don't go crazy and get depressed... if you feel like you can't make it here then just think of your ancestors who came to the Valley with nothing and they didn't have facebook to update their status ni or no skype to talk to their friends and family ni!


  1. really nice... so entertaining. keep posting, you just got another reader hooked! :)