Friday, July 8, 2011

Ali Ali Khau, Desh pani ta Banau!

GUFFADI's guff-suff @ The Week/Republica, Friday, July 8th 2011 (Editor's Cut!)

Upia, our foreign monster, will probably break some Guinness World Records hola. I think he’s aiming for some kind of a world tour along the lines of Around the World in 60 Days and he could save our taxpayer’s money if he pitches his world tour show to some foreign cable channels.

I hope he has picked up a few slang from all them foreign countries he has visited and maybe he can introduce new dishes to Kathmandu when he’s done.

We may not have the budget to implant a chip on his forehead but the Ministry of Foreign Affairs should probably buy him a XXL (will fit his body size) t-shirt and he can use it as his diplomatic passport kya! If that happens, then we can save a few passports as well.

Jhallu Baba is still our prime monster! He’s busy doing nothing but hoisting flags and participating in them paddy planting events around town.

Maybe he should take a class in them rescue mission and join hands with our security personnel to rescue them villagers stranded in them floods ni.

Or he can run the Kathmandu Marathon this September but we never know –he might have to stop tending his vegetable garden in Baluwatar at the end of August.

Then Prachandoo will get to eat the moolah hola ni. Or maybe our Dr. Saheb can finally get to be our head coach and he doesn’t need much – only two rotis and sabji for dinner rey!

Obama is getting twitterized. I hope Jhallu Baba has his own Twitter account. His updates would be like “attended an art exhibition, attended another art exhibition and will attend another one again tomorrow.

I love them arts, but maybe Jhallu would win our hearts and minds if he personally drove his PM’s vehicle and stayed in line for them petrol setrol kya. Prachandoo’s Twitter account would be like this: started with a peg but finished a bottle again hola ni!

And what’s up with our Mao-buddies? I think we should just organize a Mao-six-a-side soccer tournament and let them duke it out on the football field instead of breaking bones kya. Well, Prachandoo’s team will get a bye since he owns the PLA and the trade unions.

So let Mohan Dai’s and Dr Saheb’s teams battle it out and whoever wins can play the final game against the Emperor’s team!

Nepal isn’t only the land of the brave and the high mountains. We’re also the land of Matas and Babas! A Mata near Balkumari has predicted that Gyanu Uncle will make a comeback this Mangsir/Poush; and if that doesn’t happen, then her followers can cut her into pieces rey.

Either she’s smoking crack or she has tapped the Indian Embassy’s phone line hola ni.

And I guess Kamal Thapa and his multi-colored flag-wallahs don’t need to protest again when the CA extends its term this August.

He can wait till Mangsir, and Gyanu Uncle might be cutting them ribbons once again while the Mata converts to Zoroastrianism! If that doesn’t happen, then Kamal Dai should try to be the Asian (Veterans) champion when it comes to them tennis thing kya.

Finally, we can be proud of our national football team. We beat them East Timorians 7-1 in them two games, and we’ll now face the Jordanians next.

Our British coach knows a thing or two about winning the hearts and minds of the football fans. He dressed up in a daura-suruwal (first half lai bhaye pani) and he knows a thing or two about discipline and teamwork pani.

Maybe our netas should learn something from the recent achievement on the football field. Yes, East Timor is ranked like 50+ places below us but if we work as a team, then we’ll be okay kya.

And no matter how much our journalists write about them corruption and misuse of authority, our netas and their chamchas continue to steal and make deals with them criminals.

So I guess the Facebook crowd should change their slogan as well. No more standing here and there with them placards kya; it won’t make a difference to our corrupt clowns.

How about starting a new campaign? “Baroo ali ali khau, desh pani ta banau.” Our whole system is so corrupt that them reports about our netaharooko circus acts in dailies and on TV won’t make these fools mend their ways.So what do we do?

I don’t know. Stop paying taxes?

But did you hear about our Ambassador to Bangladesh who wanted to pay them taxes on his bideshi bhattas? Well, he got recalled. The rules of our land are different. You play fair, and you get the red card kya!

1 comment:

  1. There's a movie called Serpico about a straight shooter cop in NYC in the 70s when the NYPD was really really corrupt, and he was singled out for not taking bribes.
    Our sarkari karmacharies are in a very similar situation I suppose. You play fair and there's no doubt you WILL BE be red carded.