Friday, July 15, 2011

Fold 'em or hold 'em

Guff Suff: Guffadi / The Week - Republica, Friday, July 15th 2011 (Editor's cut!)

Former King-ji/G, a.k.a. Lord Vishnu, is 65. Amrika is 235. If only King PN (Prithvi Narayan, and not Party Nepal ni feri!) had met George Washington, then we would be the United States of Nepal. China would be Canada hola. And India chahi what? Mexico?

So how does Gyanu Uncle spend his days now? I don’t know, but I hope he’s cutting down on them cigarettes, and his memoirs should be ready by now.

It’s been more than three years since Gyanu Uncle quit his throne, and even though our Raja-buddies still believe that he shouldn’t have folded his cards, he must’ve done his debit and credit ni.

After all, he’s a pukka byapari, and I think it would be great if he taught a class or two at KU and shared his business acumen with our MBA students. And if he still has some free time, then he can take the local bus to Kirtipur and teach our Poli Sci students a thing or two at TU pani!

Our current Emperor, Lord Prachandoo, should quit his one-man “Buddha-Gandhi-Jungey” show and hand over the team captain’s band to Dr Saheb kya. Mohan Baidya should first learn how to smile; it’ll make him look a few years younger and might win the hearts and minds of all grumpy old men hola.

Dr BRB (for our chat-wallahs, it’s not “Be right back” hai!) needs to bulk up on some protein milkshakes.

Yes, please do eat like 43 egg-whites and pump some iron kya. BRB is a much safer choice to be our national team captain because if Baidya Dai becomes our prime-monster, then he might just invade India (alone!), and we don’t want to bully our neighbors ni.

But is our Emperor ready to forgo all them money and muscles? I don’t think so. He’s happy being the CEO and Chairman of Mao Inc.

NRB should ask the Emperor to register his party as a financial institution (A+++) and stop pestering our great bank-wallahs by making it difficult for them to swindle the depositors’ money and hand out loans to their wives and kids hoina ni?

And we have our Kangaroos and their usual tug-of-war games. Sushil Da is visiting “New” places! He was in New York and cried because nobody wanted to take him to Coney Island and buy him a hot dog. Now, he’s in New Delhi meeting all them Desi leaders and bawling because nobody wants to take him to Chandni Chowk rey.

Sher-ey Dai wants to lead the national team. The last time Sher-ey was our team captain, he dissolved them local bodies and we’re still suffering to this day. Our local leaders are busy minting money by submitting them fake bills for the roads they never built, the pigs they never reared, and even schools and hospitals that don’t exist.

So, let’s not be too hard on our byaparis. Yes, we must respect our privacy laws and never disclose them fake VAT-bill wallahs, or else our great Communist netas will have to come out from the closet and admit that they are pukka capitalists kya.

Why are our Comrades always coming up with them long-term plans for the country when they know that their main task is to just write the freaking Constitution?

Maybe, Nepal Unites should invite all our CA clowns to a picnic in Godavari and just lock up them up inside the Botanical Gardens and make sure that they do enjoy the greenery until they finish their task.

And it’s good to be a civil servant. They are getting a 25% pay hike so that they can put more money in their saving accounts while their chiya kharcha fees can be used to buy jagga, ghar and gaadi.

I think the Public Service Commission needs to edit their manual or something because our great uncivil masters only serve the netas and their chamchas while the confused citizens visit all the rooms in them sarkaari offices before they realize that they could’ve saved themselves the “free tour” of the premises if they had kindly given the “towel-on-the-chair” guy some chiya kharcha!

And once again, time for our new budget sudget, and our Comrades are very busy trying to figure out how to dole out taxpayers’ money to their cadres and criminals – ye sorry, them criminals are their cadres ni! And the Kangaroos will not approve of this rey.

But if they get some juicy leftovers, then they seem to change their mind in a jiffy.

When it comes to sharing the loot, our netas will agree to act as a team. But for everything else, they are just hell bent on scoring them suicide goals and making money off them foreign bookies kya!

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