NeNeNA … (New Nepal Not Available!)

Guffadi's version... for The Week/Republica, Friday July 1st 2011

Kaski has now become the first Open Defecation Free (ODF) district and as usual, our official ribbon cutter and free-loader, Jhallu Baba, was there to hoist a green flag! Next tyam when we declare ‘Kathmandu... a sick city’ (it’s already in a coma!), Jhallu can put a big arse band-aid in the middle of Singha Durbar hola ni!

ODF sounds very gross… these NGO people do come up with them crazy lingos hagi! Can’t we just say… ‘No Open Hugging’ (NOH)… and maybe confuse the kuires as well. We, Nepalis, will understand it and hope we will see less of them Kuires’ haroo ko PDA (Public Display of Arrogance!).

Yes, just because you drive around in them blue-plated vehicles doesn’t mean you can park anywhere you want and can hit and run and get away with it. Yes, if it weren’t for you, great bideshi experts, then them so-called upscale restaurants would go out of business but please… be grateful that this is the place where you can save half your salary and get a nice pad back home when you are done with living the good life here.

Now, if nature calls in Kaski, you just can’t run to them khet-baaris and look for some jhaar-paat! You will have to use them toilets… which is a good thing! Hope Kaski will also come up with fertilizers and cooking gas from the collection of hugs!

And let us all pray to God that someday, someone will hoist the Nepali flag in the middle of Tundikhel and declare it a ‘No Government Programs Zone’ (NGPZ) so that our government will stop wasting our taxpayers’ money by organizing them military parades for every other jatra and if they really want to see them paragliders then go to Pokhara hai!

The ‘Bhoto Jatra’ is no longer fun…yes, we get excited to see the ‘Nakkali’ Bhoto every year. Isn’t that like watching a Britney Spears impersonator do her thing @ Soaltee or watching fake WWF superstars in some wrestling arena? I don’t know but we live in a country governed by fake leaders... bunch of frauds, scoundrels and jackasses! So ... I guess we can deal with everybody faking it hola ni!

And it’s about tyam.. all them religious functions stop having our President or them netas as Chief Guest kya! Why on earth, do we need the President, Prime-Monster and the VP in one place and waste our tax payer’s money like that? Aren’t we sick and tired of getting stuck in traffic so that them new ‘Kings’ of Nepal can drive to their palaces without any hindrance?

Why not just @#$%!ing get new helicopters ni… and maybe they can get featured in some bideshi TV show .. like … the lifestyle of the Rich Leech and Infamous Frauds (RLIF)!

And the gangster from Biratnagar is yet to be found, let alone arrested. KP Oli the UML neta is going around town congratulating them thugs. Oli is famous for his ‘Boli that sounds like a Goli’ (Angrezi translation would be, “Bark like a Bullet” hola ni!) and hope one day them corrupt clowns and criminal will not be allowed to play Holi by looting the national coffer.

We have to thank our journalists for their patience as well as creative gift-giving skills!

They have handed them handcuffs and a bulb to a CDO (Corrupt District Officer) to protest our Home Minister’s lack of will to prosecute them goons. Yes, our netas think twice kya… nobody wants to kill the golden goose! Parshuram Basnet has made billions and he likes to share his loot kya!

So… what will our ‘Homie’ Mr Mahara do with them handcuffs and a bulb? I don’t know... but maybe our journalists know a thing or two about Mahara’s sex life. Yes, even comrades are kinky kya… and maybe he can use the cuffs when he is sleeping with his foreign (Dim Sum) handlers and what about the bulb?

Well, we might have to ask someone from Norvic Hospital to light it up when Mahara gets his prostate exam and make sure that no listening device has been planted by the foreign (Dosa) agents.

Talking about acronyms… wouldn’t it be fun if our corrupt clowns went with acronyms kya? Like our great Chairman will be known as ‘Prada’…and he can extort a few points from the Italian fashion house since they now have billions of dollars from their IPO!

But I like Sujata auntie very much. She is the only person whose life has changed for the better in the last twenty years.

We can call her ‘SuKo’ although she probably has made more...from NAC to VoIP to APC scams! It’s better than running a beer garden in Germany and yodeling!