Saturday, November 24, 2012

Do the Right Thing

Dr. Saheb should resign. According to our opposition wallahs, that would be the right thing to do so that all of our crooks can finally come together and form a national consensus government. If we get the so-called national unity government then all buffoons from our major political parties can get together and share the loot. 

After all, why should we leave out the Kangaroos and the Unidentified Moronic Losers from enjoying free lunch? It’s about time our Mao & Madhesi (M&Ms) cared about the other good for nothing freeloaders as well. 

Somebody should remind them that ‘sharing is caring’ and at the end of the day, our parties do need to take care of their cadres or else every one of our clowns will need to wear full-body armors whenever they organize a chiya-paan karyakaram.
Our opposition wallahs really need good event managers.  Why not come up with a schedule like them film festivals around town.  Distribute your flyers to the general public and let us know when we should not be out on the street when the crazy wackos run around town swirling them torches and shouting stupid slogans.
Instead of gathering their cadres for a daily morning chakka jam routine,  use them for something productive.. like a daily ‘pick up the trash’ and sweep the streets campaigns. Maybe they could up the ante and clean up the Bagmati river or if them cadres are really pumped up then we can ask them to dig tunnels so that finally, we can shower with the paani from Melamchi. 

It’s about time our young angry birds learn how to build something instead of acting like they are infected with rabies. I hope our political parties do hand out free rabies shots as well.
Dr. Saheb thinks he should not resign. If he steps down this afternoon then the country will be swallowed up by a dark evil force.  If we believe the conspiracy theories woven by his crew then the world will probably end as soon as he leaves Baluwatar for good.  

And who knows… Darth Vader will show up and take over the country.  Star Wars might be a little old school for the young ones let’s stick with Voldemort for now.

So is Dr. Saheb our Harry Potter? Certainly not. He really doesn’t know any magic except for promising us new tricks and while we wait to be enthralled by his performance, he just moves on to another natak. 

The Emperor was once a real magician but he just ran out of tricks.  And he has also earned himself a badge of honor as he has now joined the official ‘SBYOPC’. No it’s not the “Son, Bring Your Own Personal Chamcha” stuff.   I think all of us can figure out the real acronym ni.
I hope our Emperor will forgive the young lad who wanted to fix his specs. Well, it would be a little tough for him to forget the incident and let us all hope that his security detail won’t be asking his well-wishers to only appear tied up in strait-jackets from now on. 

The Emperor has not commented on the incident yet. I think he should go on national television and proclaim that he has forgiven the fellow who wanted to check if his glasses were designer stuff.
I hope our netas have learned their lessons well. Next time, instead of getting up close and personal, just hop on a pick up truck and wave at your cadres. Maybe our great leaders should just stay home and send their cadres lunch boxes from the local mithai pasal.
Our political cadres have slapped hundreds of hardworking citizens who wanted to go to work or ferry the sick during them bandh days. Tit for Tat is never good.. so next time if you want to vent your anger against one of our clowns then buy a birthday cake and hurl it from across the street so that it will land right on his face. 

I hope our cadres won’t go crazy then and the one who gets the cake on his face can laugh it off and enjoy the sweet stuff. One who wants to be cake-hurler will need a very strong arm and can learn a few tricks by watching Amriki Football.
And what about us? What would be the right thing to do .. as common citizens? Nothing.  If you are stuck in a traffic jam and then you notice one of our clowns riding around in a national flag-fluttering SUV then all of us should stand still and begin slapping each other.Why? So that the patriotic politician can feel the pain. But whom are we kidding?  To our netas, this world is flat and we are the doormat.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

The new dumplings

Tihar is over and our clowns will get back to their usual nautanki nataks again.  While most of us prayed for Goddess Laxmi for more wealth, our clowns must have spent their Tihar holidays trying to figure out how to topple the caretaker government.

We are not going to get rich anytime soon because the only folks who rake in the moolah are our competent civil servants, contractors and political cadres. The rest of us will just have to put up with the rising food prices and shortages of everything else.

The opposition wallahs plan to launch protest programs after Chhath. It’s the usual crap filled with chakka jam, bandas, torch rallies and what not.  I guess it’s time our buffoons figured out new creative ways to conduct them protest rallies.

Maybe our political parties should learn a thing or two from the Amrikis. The Kuireys spent more than a billion dollars on them political TV commercials during the elections. I don’t think our political parties can spend that kind of money because they need the dough to distribute funds to their cadres and cousins. 

Maybe, they can place their political slogans on them hoarding boards around the city. But please do make it funny instead of the usual ‘Murdabad’ stuff!

Dr. Saheb should just promise our opposition wallahs a little bit more than the usual cut of the national budget. After all, our netas are really good at forging consensus when they get to share the loot ni.

Dr. Saheb failed to clear them debris and pave them roads during Dashain. Let’s hope, we will spend the next Dashain and Tihar free of dust. We might as well start learning how to walk single file on them narrow pavements now.

The dumpling gang change their leaders every ten years. It’s tyam for Mr Xi and Mr Li to take China to new heights. The old generation will get free villas and all the state facilities. Hu and the old crew will spend their days swimming.

The ‘princelings’ will now decide the future of China. Our comrades should learn a thing or two from the Chinese when it comes to them economic reform and what not. And instead of splitting the party and acting like circus clowns high on bhaang, the Chinese like to throw their comrades in prison whenever he or she fails to toe the party line.

The Xi-Li team will have to deal with corruption as the Chinese population are getting tired of corrupt government officials. Here in Nepal, Dr. Saheb and his crew are not a bit worried about getting the bad guys because most of them happen to be a part of his cabinet!

Yes, there are other issues like human rights and freedom of speech and religion that the dumpling gang seem to turn a blind eye to but as long as WalMart gets cheap stuff from the mainland, the Amrikis will leave it to the Hollywood actors and pop stars to talk about Tibet.

I think our comrades should spend a year in Shanghai or Shenzhen and implement some of the stuff they see in the mainland. But our comrades seem to be in love with Mao and his cultural revolution natak.

Even the Chinese don’t mention Mao in every sentence like they did when he was alive.  Late Deng and his crew decided to abandon Mao’s crazy ideas and went for economic reform.

Here in this land of ours, our comrades seem to have no idea on how to build the economy except going for the usual ‘tax increase’ on them vehicles, cigarettes and alcohol stuff.

And it would have been better if them taxes on vehicles were used for building better roads while the taxes on them tobacco and alcohol stuff were used to operate better public hospitals and schools.

But at the end of the day, it’s our netas who get them free rides, booze and what not.

The Amrikis have Obama back in the White House. The Chinese have the new players and what do we have? We are still stuck with the old drunks while our young turks have no choice but to open up meat shops and get into organic farming when they should have been leading the country.

So, if we really want to organize a protest rally then let’s ask our old drunks to step aside and let the young ones show us their dribbling skills. It’s about time all them young political cadres got together and change the guards.

We will even take to the streets with them so that we will finally get folks who know how to update their Facebook statuses instead of the old vultures who still fantasize about Remington typewriters.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Four More Years of Honey Ale!

President Obama gets to be the most powerful man on Earth again.  He can relax and enjoy his home-brewed honey ale for the next four years.  Romney thought he could turn the tables with the ‘it’s the economy, stupid!’ formula but I guess many Amriki voters still blame W for the mess of the economy!

Romney really turned off a whole lot of Amriki ladies with his ‘binders full of women’ remark as well.  He could have taken some tips from Dubya instead of trying to steal some ideas from Bubba’s playbook.  When you are up against a guy who can speak like it’s some sort of a divine intervention then it’s better to act like a simpleton.

Them Amrikans have certainly voted for a moron in the past (not this time!) but I guess they are not yet ready for a person who doesn’t drink beer or coffee or any sugary drinks. Romney could have been the Mormon President but he should have kept his mouth shut and not disparaged the other 47% of the population. Them folks have their cousins and friends as well and they probably didn’t vote for him either.

Bill Clinton is a vegan now but he used to gorge on burgers and fatty snacks when he was running the show. Dubya  nearly choked on pretzels and Obama likes his home-brewed beer!  Romney only eats top halves of muffins. Maybe he would have won if he had gobbled a dozen muffins on his campaign trail. Maybe he should have kissed more babies and brushed up on Spanish.

We would have never heard of W if Al Gore had asked Bubba to help him out then.  Gore thought Clinton was toxic but Slick Willy still has the touch after all these years. Clinton should thank Ross Perot for helping him to beat Bush senior.  Well, it was the economy but Perot took a chunk of votes from Daddy Bush as well.

Junior got lucky the first time thanks to Florida and of course Gore’s robotic dance moves.  He got lucky again because John Kerry looked French.  He also showed the world that not everyone who goes to Yale and Harvard are geeks or freaks.  Some are just plain stupid.  One day, W will finally learn to pronounce ‘nuclear’ and Texas will go Democrat then.

Obama has to thank the Amriki women, minorities and them young folks for helping him to get re-elected.  They still haven’t lost hope.  Bill Clinton and Bruce Springsteen should get a nice gift hamper from Obama as well.

Romney can place some of the blame on Clint Eastwood. The old man is a fine actor and movie director but he really needs to visit a shrink. You can’t be talking to an empty chair and think you can get away with it. Maybe, he should just visit Nepal and make a movie about our netas and their fetish for chairs!

Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize during his first term. What will he win next? Maybe them ‘Nobel’ folks can give it to him again. The first one was for his extraordinary efforts to get along with the bideshis and the second one can be just for sticking around for another four years. He and Putin can come to Nepal and do some paragliding together!

After four years, Obama will leave the White House.  He will then make tons of money from speaking engagements and what not. Here in the land of ours, our netas don’t need to worry about bills and how to make a living after leaving office. They don’t even need to go around delivering speeches for money. They make enough to last a few generations while in office.

W has so far made US$ 15 million from speaking engagements since he left the White House. Obama should be able to make ten times more.  He will need them millions for his Presidential Library and land prices in Chicago are pretty steep compared to Texas. But of course Oprah Winfrey has a few more dollars to spare but their relationship seems to have cooled a bit in the past four years.

Obama will be 55 when he is done playing the world leader.  He can take eight years to churn out eight volumes of his time in the White House. Then he can spend his days surfing and playing ball. I have a feeling that someday he will be a UN Secretary General.

Well, nobody really listens to the UN head anyway but when Obama speaks, the world listens. For now, the only way for Ban-Ki Moon to get all them crazy world leaders to listen to him would be to do them ‘Gangnam Style’ dance moves!

Obama will get more grey hair now. Romney will go back to making more millions from his business deals. And Hillary will be nearing 70 in 2016. Hope Amrika will be ready for her then!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Every day is a Holiday!


Our Homie ministry wants a two-day holiday for them sarkari offices except for them Khanepaani, batti, phone wallahs and other so-called essential service providers. Whoever came up with the ‘Load Shedding Reduction Work Plan’ must really hate Sundays.  The so-called planners think we could save some energy if our sarkari lazy bums got another day off to play a card game of marriage with other freeloaders.

Our public servants have it easy in this great land of ours. Every day is a holiday for our incompetent nincompoops. They get to work late around 11am, read newspapers and drink their tea while the service seekers are made to wait in line for hours.

I hope them so-called unions in these water, batti, phone corporations will unite and gherao the Home Ministry to protest such discrimination kya!  After all, them so-called essential service providers also need a day off to get over their hangover ni.  We are not getting 24 hours electricity, paani and reliable mobile service… so it really doesn’t make any difference if them corporations are open on Sundays!

Somebody needs to remind our government that we buy paani from private tankers and we  really don’t expect much from the Khanepaani folks! In this great capital of ours, waiting for water from the khanepaani wallahs is like waiting for Godot.  Yes, someday we will get the paani from Melamchi but until then we will have the dhungey dharas and the private tankers. 

One day, they too will run out of water and maybe then we will finally have no choice but to go for rainwater harvesting. Maybe, our National Planning Commission wallahs can come up with a plan or two. How about providing subsidies for all of us to construct them rainwater harvesting systems?

Every winter, we have more than 12 hours of load shedding and in the next few years, we should not be surprised if we have no power at all during the whole winter. We are still waiting for our comrades to fulfill their promise of giving us 10,000 MW of power within a decade. We should have gotten at least 4,000 MW by now. 

Our Emperor should ask the Hong Kong-based NGO to invest in a hydropower project rather than trying to come up with silly plans for the Disney-fication of Lumbini!  Let us first try to relocate them cement factories from the Bhairahawa-Lumbini corridor for a change and then maybe we can come up with a master plan.

Haku Kale could pitch his ideas… he seems to have more brain cells than our stupid netas.  And who cares, if he is just another fictional character… so is the Chinese NGO that has promised to invest US$ 3 billion in Lumbini!

In the next few years, we will all have to opt for solar energy and get off the national grid.  Of course, them solar panels don’t come cheap. Them Chinese are like the world’s largest solar panel manufacturers … maybe our caretaker government can ask the Chinese to give us a few million solar panels at subsidized rates.

The Chinese can call it a ‘Tihar Discount’ and if all goes well, then we won’t have to worry about missing out on them Desi TV serials this winter.

Nepal Telecom is minting money like crazy even though they really don’t care about providing a reliable service to its customers. I guess the  hakim sahebs have never heard about ‘customer service’ and think that all customers are suckers.

I think we should have some kind of an exchange program between our sarkari and the private sector. And maybe, they will at least realize how much they have been slacking off.

We can send our police wallahs to work as security guards for them banks for a month and vice versa. The bank guard will probably do a body search on every Ram, Laxman and Hanuman who enters the police station while the men in blue won’t even notice a bank robbery taking place in front of him.

We can ask our NT folks to go work in Ncell or some of them private telecom wallahs. The Ncell folks will probably clean the sarkari office first and get right to work while the NT wallahs will first try to figure out where the daily newspapers are and who serves them doodh chiya!

Our CDO sahebs should go work for some private entity as well. Somebody needs to remind them they are not the mini Maharaja of a district. Well, the only ones who really scare them are our Madhesi netas who think they deserve a nice vehicle and guards and what not whenever they come to their home district for a visit.

As usual, our public servants will get to enjoy while the public hopes for a better day! Yestai ho Nepal ma…. the incompetent fools run the show while the competent ones just bitch and complain all the time.