Saturday, September 29, 2012

Baidya and his ‘ban’ list

Baidya dai is trying to go back to the original ‘top 40’ hits that started it all. The ‘angry birds’ have decided to ban Indian vehicles in ten districts. I guess they still need to work on recruiting more comrades if they want to carry out a nationwide ban on anything Desi.

When our Emperor and Dr. Saheb were busy hanging out with them Desis, Baidya dai was in an Indian jail eating sukkah roti and stale sabji. The Emperor was probably munching on tandoori chicken and bar-hopping in Noida. Dr. Saheb is a son of a peasant. So he was probably sticking to his usual dal-roti diet. 
Baidya dai feels for our farmers and wants to ban Indian vehicles so that our farmers will find market for their produce rey. I think Baidya dai and his crew should get into commercial farming so that we won’t have to eat Chinese apples and Desi khasis.  They can start their own transport business as well and be a market leader in ferrying Indian tourists all the way to the Himalayas.
Maybe our NGOs should teach our political parties how to sustain themselves by teaching them income generation skills. Instead of burning tires, our cadres could gather all the used tires in the country and make tire tube rafts. They can then open their own rafting company and get some dollars from foreign tourists.
We had them Hippies before and we now have tons of bideshi climbers. The Hippies came to Nepal to get high and they were happy to crash in Kathmandu. The climbers don’t like to stay in the valley much. They get their own high only after reaching the top of the world.
Our comrades can attract millions of Kuirey wannabe communists fresh out of college.  Most of them act like communist until they find a real job.  Instead of offering khatas, our ‘angry birds’ can offer them a red bandana and a hammer and sickle t-shirt each.  Well, it’s going to cost more but you can always add it to the tour package ni. And to get their high, they can participate in them bandas across the country.
Instead of hurling stones at the cops and dismantling public railings and sidewalks, our cadres should pick up trash from public roads and make bags, jackets and other creative works of arts. Thanks to Dr. Saheb, we now have tons of debris lying around the city. Baidya could build a new party office from all the leftover bricks, concrete and what not.
Baidya dai does not want us to listen to Bollywood songs or watch them Desi movies.  Lot of folks will be unhappy this wedding season when they can’t dance to the latest Bollywood hits.  Our comrades can get into the  ‘DVD’ business and make a killing. After all, the entrepreneurs will find a way to make a quick buck.
You can get the new movie for Rs 30 at your local pasal.  If the ban stays, then you will need to pay double to watch the latest Korean flicks. Maybe it would be like the early 80s when we still had neighborhood mini-theaters. You could pay a few Rupees to watch a new flick cramped inside one’s living room with 50 other folks.
Dr. Saheb is not leaving Baluwatar soon.  Our opposition wallahs can’t even agree on them protest programs.  If they really want Baburam out of Baluwater then they should all come together and clean up Bagmati river. Clear up all the debris from the road widening projects.  Make sure that all them folks get their bus tickets to go home for Dashain without having to pay double!
Our caretaker government has finally realized that it is better to dole out funds to our athletes instead of their own cadres only.  But our athletes will have to do the impossible whereas them cadres get the dough without breaking a sweat.
So far, we haven’t even won any silver medals in them Olympics but if you win gold then you will receives Rs 10 million. A silver will get you 7.5 million and win a bronze and take home Rs 5 million. 

Wouldn’t it have been better if they had announced the cash prizes before the Olympics? Well, it might not have helped much but it would at least have motivated our athletes to improve on their records.
It’s about time our athletes received adequate stipend and bhatta for some balanced diet. It’s always them hakim sahebs who have all the fun while our athletes can’t even afford to buy a pair of decent training shoes. 

The khel-kood wallahs should organize them national games for all of our netas. Baidya dai is so pissed that he would probably throw a javelin out of the Dasharath Stadium nai.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Saaris, Songs and Selling Out

So whom do we blame for the commercialization of Teej?  We can’t blame the saari sellers because our   women have been wearing ‘red’ saaris ever since Mata Parvati met Lord Shiva. 

Let us not blame the party palaces and their greasy food. It’s the off season and they are happy to get a booking or two.  Our gahana wallahs are already worried about the gold prices. So, I guess it’s safe to blame the songwriters and their double-meaning lyrics for all that’s wrong with Teej.

Mata Parvati meditated, she fasted and then she finally got him after enduring countless rejections.   But we all know that … “it’s the woman who chooses the man who will choose her.” So, the idea of being obsessed with a person who doesn’t really care about your love is really outdated.
One might have multiple advanced degrees, but not all women are adept at wearing them saaris.  It might be much easier to learn to build a portable nuclear device than figuring out all the ways to wear the saari.
I don’t know if Hisila didi is selling out like the other comrades or she really wants to show us that she can pull it off with a sari. She looks like she can kick some arse any time of the day in them business suits but I don’t know about the saari. But we have to give it up for our First Lady for at least trying.
 I think we could have created history if we had like 30,000 women in red saaris dancing to a decent Teej song at the national stadium. We, Nepalis have been busting them records in them Guinness book… I think it’s time our women got a special mention too.
And our so-called Hindu fundamentalists should throw a tantrum against vulgar songs about elopement and one’s thirst for lust instead of going crazy over an artist’s take on Hindu Mythology and fictional super heroes.
Our comrades used to be great trekkers when they were starting out but like all other netas, they too have now fallen in love with helicopters. Dr. Saheb went to Jumla and our Emperor took a ride to a village for some training program. If our great netas really want to be with the people then they should buy sturdy boots and walk like the rest of the folks.
Hundreds of families have been displaced by the floods across the country. Our caretaker government must be watching Hindi soap operas instead of watching the local telly. If Dr. Saheb is really for the people then he should visit the flooded areas and at least provide some relief packages for them families. But he is busy blaming everyone else except Hisila didi that he has no time to worry about trivial matters.
It took our top clowns nearly four months to agree that holding fresh elections is the only way to go forward.  Our netas seem to live in a time warp.  A college student will probably earn an undergraduate degree in four years but when it comes to our netas, they will still be hanging out in the college canteen after twenty years, telling the same jokes and eating free pakodas.
We will be wasting billions of Rupees to conduct the election and our byaparis will probably contribute cash to our parties from their ‘fake VAT bills’ account. Maybe we should just stick with the old CA clowns and give them 90 days to come up with a new constitution.  And if they have enough sense of remorse they should be willing to work for free now.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett have topped the Forbes 400 List. They have a combined net worth of more than US$ 100 billion. Instead of handing out our presidential medal to the Saudi dalal, Prince Talal… why not invite these two Amrikis to Nepal and make them ‘honorary citizens’? 
Our polygamist prince is a computer operator and he could learn a few more tech tips from Gates to advance his skills. Our Emperor can hang out with Buffett and get some financial advice on where to invest his hard-earned money. Gates cares more about malaria than malware nowadays.  But he is still a geek… and he would probably be happy to fund something for our IT wallahs.
Our byaparis should learn a thing or two from Buffett as well. The guy still lives in a house that he bought more than 40 years ago. He doesn’t wear expensive suits and he eats only hamburgers and cokes.  If our so-called rich folks want to emulate him then they should buy a Nano, buy suits from the local tailor and probably eat vyar vyar momos and drink the local sodas from the gaada wallah.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

The Outrageous list of Demands

Baidya dai has topped all of them with his 70-point demand. I guess it was déjà vu for our Dr. Saheb. It all started with a 40-point demand back in 1996. And now everybody can churn out the list of demands no matter how outrageous they may sound.

Our netas seem to know what ails this country but a witch doctor can never cure a cancer even if he dances all night with a headless chicken. Our clowns all suffer from amnesia. Dr. Saheb gets mad whenever someone reminds him of his party’s 40-point bucket list.

Our netas’ lists are like our new year resolutions. We fail to give up smoking, gambling and what not whereas our netas fail to keep their hands off the state treasury.

Our unions at Hotel Greenwich Village must have been smoking some weird stuff or they have opened their own commodity exchange. The unions want the hotel sahuji to give Ek kg ko gold medal to each of them senior workers who have been in the hotel for the past 20 years.

The only way the sahujis will be able to fulfill the ‘golden dreams’ of their staff is by investing in a gold mine in South Africa.

The new army chief has his own Facebook page. He is now friends with more than 5,800 well-wishers. Our so-called security analysts and op-ed writers have all the solutions for the Nepal Army. Maybe they should all join the army and see if they can pass the fitness test. I think Gaurav dai should make sure that our soldiers get a decent place to sleep instead of just crashing in them bunkers.

And for the first time in many years, Nepal Police finally got the senior AIG to head the police force instead of the junior one with a bora full of cash. Our Home Minister should probably resign because the government has failed to promote his choice. The Homie wanted someone who would dance to his tunes. After all, he is on a mission to wipe out police corruption.

I hope Kuber dai will at least bring out a new handbook on “how to behave like a cop and not a con”. We are tired of watching our cops act like mundrey gundas. I think it should be mandatory for all our cops to address us as “Sir” and “Ma’ams”. We can call all of them ‘officers’. At least our constables will be happy.

The new Amriki ambassador is here and I hope he has already acclimatized himself to the valley’s pollution. At least he doesn’t have to worry about corruption and frustration like the rest of us.

The Amrikis want US$ 5 million in compensation if we want to demolish their walls in Maharajgunj. I guess they have not made much dough with their visa application fees. Maybe Peter dai can ask Lady Gaga to visit Nepal for a concert. I bet we have thousands of Nepalis who would pay hundreds of dollars to see her wardrobe collection.

The Amrikis are now free to engage with our comrades since the US State Department has removed our comrades from the terrorist list. It’s time for a party at Lazimpat Palace. Maybe our Emperor should invite Peter dai and they can talk about turbines from General Electric and other investment projects and no fastfoods… please!. The Emperor should invest in hydropower projects instead of commercial buildings, media and other nautanki nataks.

The polygamist prince is now free to invest in real estate in New York. I think he should head to the Big Apple and invest some of his daddy’s hard-earned money. He can open a Nepali restaurant; invest in a gas station and maybe a Laundromat as well. And whenever our comrades visit the city, he can host parties for them all.

While our men’s football team has yet to figure out how to play as a team, our ladies own the SAARC region. I think it’s about time ANFA scrap the men’s national team and divert the funds to help our women’s team. The ladies will probably be in the World Cup in our lifetime.

Our cricketers will be getting cash awards from the government. Hope our ladies will get some when they come back from the SAFF championship. I hope they will beat the Desis this time.

The Ranas had the class system and our caretaker government wants to introduce the A,B,C class natak for our poor as well. Maybe it should be the other way round. Why not have the ‘Rich’ cards for our corrupt clowns, civil servants, contractors and our cousins and chamchas of our honest netas?

Our netas should get ration cards instead of the students because them buffoons are the only ones who get them freebies.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Hurray for Murray....

Andy Murray has finally done it.... he now has a Grand Slam singles title to his name. Murray is now the first British since 1936 to win a Grand Slam singles tournament. Myaan.. it took them 76 years .... but now them kuireys can sleep better hola ni. 

I guess them Brits are like them Halley's Comet jastai... harek 75 barsa pachi auney hehe!

Murray will probably win more as he is just getting started abuh! He got lucky the fifth time .. like his coach Ivan Lendl. The moral of the story chahi... you just have to stay in the game and keep your head up.... ek din tuh afno tyam aucha kya! 

So if the girl (woman) of your dreams rejects your FB friend request for the fourth tyam.. don't worry.... like Murray.. you might be lucky after that.. hehe!

Murray won the Olympics gold medal and the last tyam Britian had a Olympic champion ... tennis ma... was like 100 years ago kyaaruh!. I hope Murray wins the Wimbledon someday. Afno home court ma jitnoo ko mazza arkai cha ni.

Sean Connery was there (still alive.. eh?).... Alex dai (still chewing gum like crazy!) was there and they were all rooting for Murray because all of them are from Scotland. 

I hope Murray wears them kilt silt in the next game! And some Bollywood musician will come up with "Kilt kay woo-purr kya hey?"... and who knows maybe Madhuri Dixit will once again show us her 'Dhak Dhak' skills!

The Scots should now unite and seek independence from Britain! It's about tyam ... innit? The British media tells us that only 33% support the 'independence' natak rey. Go Scotland... we support you... baroo yeso Nepali lai free visa milcha ki?

Murray can be King Andrew IV and  Sir Sean Connery can be the khoi kay bhanney... baajey tuh jaaney bela bhayo... he can be the head knight hola ni... hehe! 

Sir Alex can be the court jester. Everybody loves Manchester United but I have always been a Liverpool fan since I was a kid. Tyeti bela they were the league champions. Yes paali pani feri hamro team tuh paaat nai cha....taruh support tuh garnai paryo ni.

The last tyam any Scottish player won any of them tennis stuff was back in 1896 rey. Lau jaa... if Murray wins them Wimbledon then he will probably get knighted by the Queen. 

But if Scotland goes indie then Murray can knight himself hehe! And then we won't have to remember the crazy Idi Amin as the last King of Scotland!

Abuh aroo kura kay thawp-ney... Hip Hip Hurray .. for Murray and Baburam dai should also support statehood for Scotland like he does for them Palestinians! 

I don't know much about them Scots... Haggis, Sean Connery, Kenndy Dalglish ... and of course... tyo geet 'Danny Boy' ... ye sorry.. tyo tuh Irish song po ho kya.. anyway Scotland has Danny Bhoy... the comedian.. hehe!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Give our women a chance....

I think it's about tyam the All Nepal Football Association (ANFA) wallahs scrap the men's national team and just divert the funds to help our women's team baroo. If we can provide better training, chiya bhatta and incentives then our women will probably rule the SAARC region and one day will be the Asian champions pani!

Our men's team lost to Cameroon 5-0 in the Nehru Cup a few weeks ago. Our women's team thrashed Pakistan 8-0 in the SAFF champions being held in Sri Lanka. The other day, they beat Maldives 5-0 to reach the semifinals nai. It's about tyam... we send our women's team to Amrika so that they can train with the kuirey-nis.

I think we should send our young women to Amrika to play for them US colleges. Scholarships haroo pani milcha ani they will get a degree and will one day play in the Amriki league pani. ANFA has them academy for young lads. Now it's time to groom our young ladies.... not to be housewives but to be the best football players in the world!

I think Nepali women are pretty good and ANFA can do us a favor if they focus on the ladies until 2020. We might even get to the World Cup. And what about our men's team? Well, first they better beat Maldives like ten times in a row and then be the SAFF champions forever.. tyes pachi Asian team haroo lai jitoom ani balla World Cup ko sapana dekhoom hai.

Our men's national team will probably qualify for the World Cup in 3020 AD! We won't be be alive then but our women have the potential to reach the World Cup before the end of this decade! So let us all pitch in... raise some funds and provide a maasik talab of Rs 25,000 to each of them national team players.

Why 25k a month? Kathmandu ma ghar bhaada kehi naw-bhaye pani 3-4,000 tuh parcha nai. Euta sano kotha ma tuh rakhney kura bhaye-nuh ni. Euta apartment ma chaar jana basey pani 15,000 ko dar lay ek jana ko bhaag ma 4,000 tuh parcha.. batti ruh paani ko pani ali ali jo-doom... even though dhara ma paani au-daina ani batti ko taal tyestai ho ni!

Diet siet (not the zero-size model natak) ko laagi pani paisa cha-hi-yo. Din ma 500 tuh yeso ramro diet laagi rakhoom. Ani recharge card, hafta ek choti Civil Mall ma feelim ruh ali ali pocket kharcha garda 25K lay chahi jay hos Kathmandu ma basnaw pugcha hola.

Players ruh coach garey ruh 30 jana pugey pani.. it would be around Rs 7.5 lakhs per month. Yeta oota garda around Rs 1 crore per year. If we can contribute Rs 1,000 per month then we would need like 1,000 folks matrai. I am in .. are you?

We need to open a 'We Love Our Women' (WLOW) club soon. Our women are now in the semifinals of the 2nd SAFF Championship. I think they will face India again in the finals like last year. We lost to India 1-0 kyaaruh. Let's hope our women will beat the Desis this time!

Nepal is doing pretty good in cricket pani. We might not be good enough to play against them big guns but we are now in the Division 3 rey. And it might take us another five years to reach the top level but we will get there!

So let us all gherao ANFA and submit our 1-point demand... hehe! Let's not have a men's national team for another decade .. let's give our women a chance to rule the world! Let's give it a shot... 10 years... let's invest in our women's team and we will one day be watching them play in the World Cup! 

The only way our men's team will improve is if we send our 12-year-olds to Barcelona. Yes, send 30 of them to train with the Barca youth. And maybe a decade later, we will have our own Messis and Ineistas. 

But our ladies .... don't need foreign coaches and they don't even have a decent league nai... but they are still one of the best teams in the region. They want to play the game unlike our men with their stupid hair-eestyles and fokatey ko ego sego ... who think they are Messi and Ronaldo but still haven't figured out how to play as a team!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Maoists are not terrorists....

Our great comrades are no longer terrorists. Well, that's what our Amrikans tell us kyaaruh. The US government has decided to remove our Mao In.c from its terrorist list rey. 

I hope our Emperor had a nice party at his Lazimpat Palace hagi. It's already been months and he hasn't left his palace yet. Jay guff diye pani hoonay rahecha.. hamra chor neta haroo lay!

The new Amriki ambassador is in town. Peter Bodde looks like he could be a bouncer at one of them local US$ 3 ko pitcher pauney bar in Texas hehe! I hope His Excellency will hit the gym and lose some weight pani.

Maybe he should go trekking this Dashain ... do the ABC (Annapurna Base Camp) thing and lose like 20-30 pounds. Instead of walking, he should just go running up them hills hola.

According to the US government, them Amriki folks and companies can now engage with our comrades rey. That's great news. I hope our Emperor will invest his loot in them hydropower projects and GE (General Electric) will give him a discount hola ni. GE makes them turbine subrine stuff kyaaruh.

I met a political insider the other day. He was telling me that nearly all of our netas have them Swiss bank accounts rey. There was a guy in the bar, drinking 'Blue Label' and his wife looked like she was going to attack the bartender. Well, she really looked pissed off .. khoi kinuh ho?

Anyways, the story is.. the whiskey guy helps our netas to stash their ill-gotten money in them Swiss banks rahecha. But it's not going good because he has already lost his two sons. 

Both of them happened to be junkies rey and probably OD'ed hola. Abuh tyetro commission khaa-ko kay kam. The guy must be worth Karods and his wife looked like she was really into Botox-ing. Taruh kay ko laagi? We are not going to live forever. I hope he will donate his money to charity before he shoots himself hola.

I really don't understand why our comrades don't invest in them hydropower projects. Instead of just extorting hydropower developers... why not just start your own project ni baroo. The Mao Inc. should start their own tourist buses, tea shops, guest houses. Baroo karykarta lay kaam pani pauney and the big boss will get his cut pani.

Mao Inc. has invested in some hospitals and media companies and them so-called commercial buildings around town. But none of them are making money because our comrades really don't know how to run a business. 

Instead of asking shady characters for financial advice, get the lads and ladies from KUSOM, Ace and Apex baroo.. tyee sabai MBA wallahs! I think they would rather do a better job than jagga dalals and commission wallahs!

I think our Emperor should visit Amrika and invest in gas stations, laundromats and delis. That would really piss off them Desis, Koreans and Chinese hola... hehe! But he will get a green card ni. And our polygamist prince can drive around in a Porsche with his third wife pani. He could open a Nepali restaurant as well.

The Amrikis now think that our comrades are no longer terrorists. Why? I don't know. Back in them days, they did kill Nepali security guards who worked at the US Embassy kyaaruh. Thank God .. they didn't target any Amrikis or else... all our top management at Mao Inc. would now be spending their days at some federal penitentiary in the Midwest.. hehe!

Amrika's foreign policy really sucks but they do take care of their own. I still remember them days when some crazy Pakistani killed some Amrikis outside the CIA ko HQ kyaaruh. The guy fled to Pakistan but the Amrikis got him. When are we going after them Iraqis who killed 12 of our brothers? When will we invade Bhutan?

The Amrikis got Saddam and Bin Laden pani. Well, these two fools were actually great friends with the Kuireys then but I guess things didn't turn out right hagi. Now, the Pakistan ko Haqqanis are the new member of the Amriki hit list kyaaruh.. hehe! 

Jalaluddin Haqqani was once a CIA 'asset' in the 80s.You can cheat on your lover and get away with it but don't ever piss off them CIA wallahs .. hehe... they will come after you. And the Desi RAW is like the mini-CIA and our comrades are their beaches! It's a sad story... myaaan!

Baidya dai and his new Mao start-up will one day be in the Amriki terrorist list unless our Emperor invests in a raksi company and gives Baidya dai 50% share nai. I hear.. Baidya dai is a hard-core drunken master... well, he is a hard-core commie... he needs to read Aristotle Baba and his 'moderation' thing and be a jogi baroo!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Holy Cow! Soon ko Vow!

Nepal ma soon (Gold) ko vow (price).... Rs 60k per tola rey. Who the @#$! buys gold? I don't ....  but Teej is coming and our ladies will need some new saaris, soon woon and they will dance to them 'Poila jaana paam' songs hola ni. 

Well, not all ladies are into them 'teej' nataks but kuirey ko Thanksgiving sale bhanya jhai.... them saari pasaleys and soon sahujis do make a killing during Teej ruh Biha season ma! At least Amrika ma tuh sale bhaney pachi sasto deal paucha ni.. yeha tuh ulto vow bada-yeruh bech-chan yee gadha haroo lay!

Instead of spending thousands on them saaris and gahanas.. baroo... tyo paisa lay euta gau ko baccha lai ek barsa ko laagi sponsor garey kaso hola? Ani biha ko season ma chahi..... please stop wasting your money on them khatas, flowers and stupid big-arse cards. Just put Rs 1,001 khaam ma and give it to the bride hai. 

If the party is at the party palace then they will probably charge Rs 700 per plate. And if you are invited to some five-star hotel (the food sucks anyway!)... then put like Rs 2,000 because them hotels charge at least Rs 1,400+VAT and service charge natak. Bichara biha garney lai pani yeso ali ali hos nuh.. hehe!

The hotels will probably submit fake VAT bills and get away with it. What about the service charge? All them hotels ma Maoist trade unions... so our comrades really don't give a rat's arse about service. If you need a glass of water then go get it yourself.... hehe!

So what's new in new Nepal? Khoi.... them NOC wallahs have raised them fuel prices again. Our domestic airlines have now raised their airfares pani. And our public transport wallahs will do the same natak as well. NOC is still losing Rs 730+ million per month even with the fuel price hike rey. NOC ko negative worth is around Rs 12 billion and it owes like Rs 28 billion to the 'Hello' Sarkar and them banks.

The government wrote off NEA ko debt. It was around Rs 22 billion but our No Electricity Authority will still lose like Rs 5 billion this year rey. And we should be dancing in the dark ... a lot... this winter. Yes paali tuh at least 20 ghanta hooncha hola ni. 

NEA's load shedding schedule is really @#$!ed up. Aaj kal tuh.... the batti goes off every hour. Auney jaaney... hami lai jiska-yeko jasto! I hope our NEA folks will be kind enough to match them load shedding hours to our khaana khaney schedule this winter.

Instead of 8 ghanta bihanuh and 8 ghanta raati ko batti-off tyam... baroo give us electricity for two hours in the morning, two hours in the afternoon, two hours in the evening and probably two hours early in the morning to catch some English Premier League games... hehe!

Tyeso garey kaso hola? Bihanuh waffle khanuh pauney. Tyes pachi deu-so Rice Cooker chalau nuh pauney. Ani yeso belka feri bhaat saat pakauney, baasi daal sabji microwave garnaw pauney. Ani raati.... jado maa heater baal-dai football hare-ney!

NOC lai chahi kay garney ho? Khoi.... I think they should just start selling them fuel suel .. jati ma kineko tyeti ma. According to our Nepal Rastra Bank Wallahs... the valley wallahs consume like 60% of cooking gas, fuel etiyaadi.. batti chahi around 30% rey.

Abuh Raajdhaani ma basya lai kina subsidized rate sate ma bechney.  I think the business wallahs should pay the cost price bhaye pani and the households can get ali discount ma. Petrol diesel pani tyehi ho... why are we giving our byaparis discount?

Bhanney bela ma People's War and all that natak. Ghanta ko janta... our hard-core comrades are full-blown capitalists.  Hami sabai lai joker banayo hagi! If the Maoists are real communists then all them cooking gas, fuel suel, electricity tuh Krantikari sarkar lay dinoo parney ho hami lai .. free ma. Ali ali bhaye pani free ma hoonoo parney ho ni?

Them netas get free fuel, batti , telephone ko laagi paisa, ghar bhaada ruh ajhai kaam garney lai taw-luh paney. Kya ulto hagi hamro desh tuh? Janta bhok bhokai.. Neta haroo sabai ko gala bhookka fookka! Chya... laaz naw-bhaako paaji haroo.. thukka!

I think it's time we had the 'ration' card system. We get a certain amount of sugar, saboon, masu, petrol, cooking gas from the state. Sabai lai ek naas kya. Prachandoo should get only two pegs a day and so should we.. hehe!

The government wants to distribute identity cards to the poor rey. The 'real' needy folks will get them cards but they won't get stuff at affordable prices. The political cadres will probably get them cards too and they will get all them stuff and sell it to the byaparis. And our byaparis will then sell the so-called daily essentials to the poor folks ..... 50% profit kha-ye-ruh. Yestai cha Naya Nepal ma!

Today's guff was supposed to be about Gold. Why do people buy gold? Well, some of us want to have something we can just grab and run if we have to leave the country hola.  Kasai ko laagi.. it comes in handy when you need some cash. Jay bhaye pani investment ko laagi bhanchan. 

All them netas have tolas of gold and silver etiyaadi. And it's not like ek or dui... if you read them news then it's like 50 tolas, 60 tolas... neta haroo ko sampati bibharan ki kay bhancha ni. I think Prachandoo has a soon ko haatti nai but he is not telling us.. hehe!

Our corrupt clowns can't even carry all that gold and run if the jantas decide to storm the mini-palaces and start a 'French' revolution on our netas and civil servants. 

But of course, our netas don't have to run away  ni. It's our young and beautiful who have to leave this land of ours so that they can make some dough. Every year, more than 300,000 (aroo 200K tuh feri gaako ho rey) folks leave Nepal for them Gulf countries. Uni haroo ko salary 10-12 hajar maatrai. 

And the only folks who are minting money chahi hamro cops, civil servants, chor-netas, contractors and them cadres! Instead of buying a tola of gold... baroo go for a 4-5 din ko holiday .. BKK or KL nai.. hehe! 

I hope one day.... we will all get together and parade our netas on the streets while we hit them with uni haroo ko lootya paisa lay kiney ko soon ko dalla haroo lay!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

False hopes and dead ends!

It’s been a year since our Dr. Saheb became our Prime Monster and we have to thank him for sticking around. If Dr. Saheb resigns tomorrow, then all hell will break loose.  Well, that’s what our board first wallah tells us as if he is trying to spook some kids with some ghost stories.

So what will really happen if our smarty pant decides to leave Baluwatar and let the other crooks  fight it out for the kurchi?  Baidya dai and his crew will invade India. Gyanu Uncle will become the chief guest at the next Bhoto Jatra.  And our Madhesi leaders will be running for election across the border. 
Nope, not going to happen because no matter how stupid our netas act, they are not going to go crazy until they get their blessings from the bidhesis! Well, China actually doesn’t care what we do as long as they find them pictures of our cops harassing Tibetan protesters in Kathmandu.
Our netas and civil servants are more eager to keep our dumpling and dosa neighbors happy than respecting human rights. Our netas all seem to forge consensus only when it comes to withdrawing criminal cases against their cadres.
The Amrikans will only care about us if them Amriki companies find some oil in the middle of the country.  So, it all comes down to the Desis. Our netas may spin conspiracy theories about the evil Indians but at the end of the day, they do get their chiya kharcha and pat on the back from the Bi-Desis.
Dr. Saheb met Raul Castro and Hugo Chavez in Brazil. And we still haven’t gotten any Cuban doctors or free oil from Venezuela yet.  I hope we get some freebies from Iran this time.  Iran has oil, date fruit and mullahs.  

What do we have?  We have morons running the country down the drain. And the same natak has been going on for the past fifty years. Let us all feel sorry for our Dads. They have seen it all and we might have gotten new circus owners but it’s been the same old act.
I hope Dr. Saheb has asked the Iranian President  Ahmadinejad for some help.  Iran could give us some oil to run some of our thermal plants this winter.  That’s only wishful thinking but what we could really do is ask Iran to give us them dry fruits at a heavy discount.  At least it would help us to cut down our expenses this Dashain.
Let us hope Baburam dai bonded well with Ahmadinejad.  If Dr. Saheb is not able to pronounce the Iranian President’s name correctly, then he should just break it down to Ah-Ma-Dine-Jad (Yes-I-Give-You-Raksi). And it would be pretty difficult for the Persian to get Dr. Saheb’s name right. He should just stick to the initials.. BB.. my Habibi!
Both Habibi and the wine seller have lots of things in common. Both are in their mid-fifties. Both have PhDs.  Both live modest lives and don’t know what ‘compromise’ and ‘consensus’ mean.
Dr. Saheb knows a thing or two about urban planning. I think he should just be our Minister of Urban Development for life.  Ahmadinejad has a PhD in transportation engineering rey. But he acts like he is a trained nuclear physicist. Both seem to have misplaced priorities hagi!
The Amrikis are probably watching Dr. Saheb’s dance moves. They are not worried but they like keeping tabs on everyone.  Now, if he meets Little Kim from North Korea then Dr. Saheb will be one of the few folks to have met with so-called leaders of nations who are on Amrika’s ‘juvenile delinquents’ list.
I think our PM just meets them so that one day, he can organize a photo exhibition in Bhrikuti Mandap. I hope he calls it ‘I am afraid of Amrikans’ and have the David Bowie song play in the background.
Not much has changed in over a year since Dr. Saheb shocked us with his Mustang ride.  His mini-sinisters continue to ride them gas-guzzling SUVs and have no shame looting the state treasury. 
Hello Sarkar was a great idea and the government could have spent millions on hiring young folks to man the telephone lines but like other sarkari nataks, it lacks resources and coordination.
Instead of doling out millions from the so-called fund for youth and entrepreneurs to a bunch of cadres.. why not give all our karyakartas some vocation trainings. We are always in need of plumbers, electricians, carpenters and painters. 
They don’t have to work full-time, just show up whenever we have problems and make a quick Rs 200 for tightening the nut bolt or something.  And they will have plenty of free time for their rallies and other nataks as well. But who really wants to work when one can get free dough from the state?