Saturday, September 15, 2012

The Outrageous list of Demands

Baidya dai has topped all of them with his 70-point demand. I guess it was déjà vu for our Dr. Saheb. It all started with a 40-point demand back in 1996. And now everybody can churn out the list of demands no matter how outrageous they may sound.

Our netas seem to know what ails this country but a witch doctor can never cure a cancer even if he dances all night with a headless chicken. Our clowns all suffer from amnesia. Dr. Saheb gets mad whenever someone reminds him of his party’s 40-point bucket list.

Our netas’ lists are like our new year resolutions. We fail to give up smoking, gambling and what not whereas our netas fail to keep their hands off the state treasury.

Our unions at Hotel Greenwich Village must have been smoking some weird stuff or they have opened their own commodity exchange. The unions want the hotel sahuji to give Ek kg ko gold medal to each of them senior workers who have been in the hotel for the past 20 years.

The only way the sahujis will be able to fulfill the ‘golden dreams’ of their staff is by investing in a gold mine in South Africa.

The new army chief has his own Facebook page. He is now friends with more than 5,800 well-wishers. Our so-called security analysts and op-ed writers have all the solutions for the Nepal Army. Maybe they should all join the army and see if they can pass the fitness test. I think Gaurav dai should make sure that our soldiers get a decent place to sleep instead of just crashing in them bunkers.

And for the first time in many years, Nepal Police finally got the senior AIG to head the police force instead of the junior one with a bora full of cash. Our Home Minister should probably resign because the government has failed to promote his choice. The Homie wanted someone who would dance to his tunes. After all, he is on a mission to wipe out police corruption.

I hope Kuber dai will at least bring out a new handbook on “how to behave like a cop and not a con”. We are tired of watching our cops act like mundrey gundas. I think it should be mandatory for all our cops to address us as “Sir” and “Ma’ams”. We can call all of them ‘officers’. At least our constables will be happy.

The new Amriki ambassador is here and I hope he has already acclimatized himself to the valley’s pollution. At least he doesn’t have to worry about corruption and frustration like the rest of us.

The Amrikis want US$ 5 million in compensation if we want to demolish their walls in Maharajgunj. I guess they have not made much dough with their visa application fees. Maybe Peter dai can ask Lady Gaga to visit Nepal for a concert. I bet we have thousands of Nepalis who would pay hundreds of dollars to see her wardrobe collection.

The Amrikis are now free to engage with our comrades since the US State Department has removed our comrades from the terrorist list. It’s time for a party at Lazimpat Palace. Maybe our Emperor should invite Peter dai and they can talk about turbines from General Electric and other investment projects and no fastfoods… please!. The Emperor should invest in hydropower projects instead of commercial buildings, media and other nautanki nataks.

The polygamist prince is now free to invest in real estate in New York. I think he should head to the Big Apple and invest some of his daddy’s hard-earned money. He can open a Nepali restaurant; invest in a gas station and maybe a Laundromat as well. And whenever our comrades visit the city, he can host parties for them all.

While our men’s football team has yet to figure out how to play as a team, our ladies own the SAARC region. I think it’s about time ANFA scrap the men’s national team and divert the funds to help our women’s team. The ladies will probably be in the World Cup in our lifetime.

Our cricketers will be getting cash awards from the government. Hope our ladies will get some when they come back from the SAFF championship. I hope they will beat the Desis this time.

The Ranas had the class system and our caretaker government wants to introduce the A,B,C class natak for our poor as well. Maybe it should be the other way round. Why not have the ‘Rich’ cards for our corrupt clowns, civil servants, contractors and our cousins and chamchas of our honest netas?

Our netas should get ration cards instead of the students because them buffoons are the only ones who get them freebies.


  1. Seriously, your writing is brilliant! Why haven't you published yet?

  2. @Kay... thanks... Them folks at Kathmandu Post have been kind enough to publish my guff every Saturday... aroo tuh tyestai ho.. hehe!