Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I ain't scared of You!

8 in the morning...waiting for a friend ... then I decided to have milk-tea @ the local tea shop! 10 years ago, you knew everybody... now you don't even know the guy who owns the local tea shop! After waiting for 10 minutes, a milk-tea arrived!

When we were kids, milk-tea used to be like all milk and very less tea but I guess hamro New Nepal maa things are different now!

The doodh-chiya looked like black-tea with a splash of milk of something!

And when I asked the chiya-pasaley ... 'Dai, is this really milk-tea?' ... he just looked at me as if he was going to stab me in the eye and replied, "Aankha chaina, doodh-chiya nabhaya kay ho ta tyo?"

Now, I wanted to stab him in the eye ... "Kati bhayo pasal chalaa-ko?"

"Talai kay matlab? ... Ma ta sanga darau-dina"

Now, I was faced with two options... A) Just shut up, drink the @$!#ing tea and leave without paying . B) Throw the tea glass @ the chiya guy, beat him to death, destroy his cow-shed chiya pasal and steal his money and go to the Casino!

I think I am finally growing up. I just drank the tea, gave him 10 Rupees (30% tips) and then slapped him.... " Bhai, ganatantra ayo bhandai maa timi pani Raja nabana yaar!"

Then my friend shows up. The Chiya Pasaley does his Laal-Salaam thing. Oh! I forgot, my friend is the local area commander rey. Jawana maa sangai Phensy (P) khaney saathi , ahiley 'Che' Bandai Cha!

Now, I understood why our tea-man wasn't interested in customer service! Who cares? Drink your shit and @#$! off... He pays Rs 100 to his local Mao-badi Inc Chapter...that's why he's so Furkay-ko! I wish I also paid our Mao brothers Rs 1000 a month... and maybe I could slap him X 10!

And then I took a micro-bus to Kathmandu! Now, that's another story.... I am spending my days ... slapping and bitching! My friends tell me that one day, 700 Kavre ko gauley haroo lay talai 'dhulo' banaun-cha!

I guess I will have to move to Kavre ... then I can ask them 700 Kavrelis for morning tea @ the local tea-shop!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

KGB Intelligence Report!

Here is the Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) Report for this week!

Mr. Gyanu Shah recently met with RAW (India ko KGB!) officials @ Soaltee Hotel to discuss new merger plans! I think we should invite our Wall Street ma Kaam garney Nepzie Yuppies (M&A) folks to do the + and - !

Karishma Manandhar is back in town! Her husband had a mini-heart attack! (I think there is a diff. between mini and mild!) ....

Prachanda likes to go to the country side every Saturday! By country-side.... we mean only 10+ KM outside the Valley! And what does he do? He likes to drink 'Blue' Label and watch Karishma ko movies!

Shiva Shrestha is also excited about Karishma.... if Amitabh can still rake in the moolah then so can he.... Shiva wants to produce his own movies! God Bless Shiva! He should not sell his house in Bhaisepaati.... Jawana maa Hami baccha hoo-da 'call-break' khel-ney (for gamblers) , hariyo salad (weed lovers) and chyaang (for the drunkies) piu-ney thau ho Bufaalo-Patty.. ahiley tuh 90210 bhai sakey-cha ni!

Wherever KP Oli goes... there goes Bidya Bhandari!

Once again... back to Uncle Gyanu.... He is working on his auto-bio thing! And Paras Dai is also working on his thing.... titled 'the Crazy Prince of Bel-Air?'

Yes, Sujata Koirala likes to sleep around with young boys... no I am not talking 15 year olds... more like young lads in their early 30s! Nothing wrong with that... after all not everyone gets pumped up by drinking RED BULL!

Bon Nuit!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Another day in Pyar-a-dies!

A boka friend of mine, after finishing off 1 1/2 bottle of so-called Russian Vodka ... takes off his pants and shouts @ them crowd.... "Who wants to play with my little brother?"

And then you have 100+ drunk Nepali gangsters (everyone is nowadays!) and like 20+ ladies staring at you! Don't look at me... okay, he's my buddy but if he wants to get lynched by a mob then I don't want to die like this! I would rather get run over by a Micro-Bus or maybe hit by a crazy motorcycle-wallah!

You will always have this crazy wacko, who you think is your friend but he is the Devil, who will probably get you killed for no good reason! And the @#$!ed up thing is ... he always gets that 'hot' girl... what's up with hot chicks and crazy psychos!

Maybe next time, I should walk around naked .... hope somebody will call me a 'Swami' and then I will have my share of groupies!

100 days to go! No, I am not talking about our current Nepali government ko expiration date! Deepak Bohra is our Forest Minister (Bun Mantri!)... if you have the dough and want to make millions then this is the time to get rid of 'whatever' is left of Nepal ko Dhan (wealth)!

Nothing against Deepak Dai... he is not only a Panchey ko Mandaley... he owns Bank of Kathmandu , four wives and nearly everything in Bhairahawa but according to our sources, his son once gave him a 'round-kick' ... I think that's like the deadliest weapon in 'Kung-Fu' Land! What good is all them $$$, power and wives when your own son wants to kick you in the head?

Was in this Bar today and met with Panchey ko Bela ko Daku Ko chora! This guy is worth billions, he has a nice Khandaani (means our Good Old Ranas!) wife worth another billion! I guess he's not happy! If he was ... he would be home with his wife and kids and not in a bar, throwing away thousands of Rupees, surrounded by a dozen of them Dance-bar type heronis!

They say, Amrika is the land of freedom, land of opportunity... my arse! Nepal is the land of the free... you can break all the rules, pay off all the gangsters (both political and criminal) and still make billions of Rupees!

So, I just want to say to our young folks.... don't come back! Some of us did, some of us are leaving again... and some of us are busy doing nothing except guff-maaaring!

Okay, some of the really good ones (smart ppl) are doing their best, working for NGO/INGO thing! Good job... yes build all them nice houses for them poor villagers and the next thing you know, our Madeshi or Pahadi militant groups are using them as their office buildings!

And if you really want to come back ... then get ready to Rumble or be ready to Grumble!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Ek Mahina Bida!

Back after a month of .... barta from this blogging thing!

Today ... surya grahan... all our pregnant Desi sisters are staying home because they don't want babies with three eyes and four legs! What about our Nepali didi bahinis.... I guess they are doing the same thing.... thanks to them Hindi serials!

And thanks to our kati-mahina-ko government, our civil servants have a day off! We should all encourage our young ppl to join the civil service because 'life' will always be beautiful ... if you are not happy with your pay, you can shut down them government offices until the Netas agree with your demands and at the same time, you can make more money by teaching folks to bend the rules and pay less taxes!

This month has been crazy! We have our own 'Hannibal' Lecter now... RIP Miss KS! People want to bring back the death penalty or something... I don't know but we should deport Mr. Biren Pradhan back to Darjeeling! Maybe we can ask Bimal Gurung to burn this guy instead of burning Darjeeling!

Nothing against folks from Dazzyworld... they are smart, educated and also BT(Big Talk) and now, they have a crazy wacko! Yes, Biren Sir was caught with his India ko ration card! I think we should ask our Nepali Rock Stars to write a song about .... 'A killer from Dazz' ... but nearly 70% of our khatara pop stars are from the 76th district... I don't think they would want to sing a song about a bad guy from their neighborhood!

I went to this Bar last night and nearly choked on them popcorn stuff... our young people are not only getting freaky... Bahini, it's okay to kiss in public but you don't have to suck his tonsils out!

And I thought 'French' kiss was really it .... I guess I still have a lot to learn from our Generation 'Z' !

MJ is not dead! He is hiding somewhere in Eastern Europe and is planning to make a comeback ...soon!

According to our Kukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, our Foreign Minister Ms. Sujata Koirala is a Cougar!

If your Uncle is a big-time Congressi Neta or neta ko chamcha then can you please hook me up with Sujata Auntie... I would like to suck her tonsils out !