Saturday, September 28, 2013

Khilly Dai goes to New York

Khil Dai is in New York to attend the UN General Assemby natak.  Instead of wasting our taxpayers' money, Khil Dai should have stayed home and attended late-night meetings with our clowns.  But who wants to forgo free travel and chiya kharcha?  

Let's hope that the Regmi couple will at least visit a few tourist hot spots in New York City instead of just taking pictures with other heads of states.

Please do visit the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, the Bronx Zoo and other cool places. And don't forget to take the '7' train to Queens when you attend some dinner gathering with our NRNs.  

Let's hope Khilly will get a few ideas of what can be done in Nepal while he is in New York. Even if he is not going to be an organic farmer at Baluwatar for long, he can at least start some cool stuff before he leaves the Prime Monster's residence.

We should have a building like the 102-story Empire State Building. Let's get all the ministries and government agencies from the old Rana durbars and house them in one building instead. Instead of running around town, it would be much easier for all us service seekers to get inside a single building and get our paperwork done.  And what should we do with old Rana Durbars? 

Well, the party palaces are running out of space. Maybe they could lease them durbars from the government. It seems like our government is just waiting for them old durbars to collapse. 

If you visit a government office housed in them palaces then you will at least find two broken windows, three doors with big holes and four rusting vehicles that have weeds growing around them. 

And it seems like no one has showed up to clean up them places since the Ranas left the buildings. At least the party palace wallahs will maintain them durbars better rather than letting them rot. 

Well, them palaces might smell like curry but it's much better to have some indigestion after gorging on oily food than being inside a damp, cold, moldy building and getting some respiratory problems while waiting for the hakim saheb to show up to sign your paper.

Our one and only Zoo in Jawlakhel badly needs a facelift. Maybe Khil Dai will get some ideas when he visits the Bronx Zoo. Our Zoo doesn't even have 40 animals whereas the Bronx Zoo has more than 4,000. Maybe Khil Dai can ask for an animal each from all the member  countries of the UN. 

And we should have a empty cage at our Zoo as well. Just put up a sign that reads 'Politician' and whenever one of our clowns is sent to jail for corruption, we can put him or her in that cage. 

We do understand that we are not supposed to threw peanuts and food at them animals but the Zoo officials should encourage pelting tomatoes at the guilty politician. And he or she can later use them to make a piro Tamatar ko Achar in the evening.

Our clowns want to build a Republican statue somewhere.  Well, it's already been more than five years and we are still waiting for it. Khil Dai should visit the Statue of Liberty and then ask the French to send us something new.  Instead of having a Roman Goddess of Freedom,  why not have a statue of a dirty politician trampling on common people?  

After all, we expected our lives to change for better but it seems like our clowns are more interested to rip off the public in this great Republic than writing the constitution and letting the common citizens live a decent productive life.

And Nepal Tourism Board won't have to spend millions of Rupees trying to attract tourists to the country. We could be getting millions of tourists to visit our 'politician' statue. 

Since our political parties are into burning effigies, why not organize a big 'burning man' festival here and burn effigies of all politicians from all nations just to show that we are not against just somebody but every politician in the world? And all the opposition wallahs around the world would be flying to Kathmandu for the festival.

Baidya Ba and ask his fellow weaklings have announced nationwide shutdowns from November 11 to 20. Maybe Khil Dai should visit the angry birds after he comes back from New York and gift them a dozen khasis for Dashain.  

Why not bring 'I Love NYC' t-shirts for all our clowns, a few dozen topis, a box of key-rings and coffee mugs? But our clowns don't drink coffee. They drink whiskeys. Maybe that's why our buffoons have late-night meetings, munching on mutton sekuwas and drinking bidhesi raksis while they talk politics.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The 'Rule of 51'

The Commission for Investigation of Abuse of Authority (CIAA) is not only going after our hardworking civil servants but also wants to act as a moral police.  Lokman dai thinks he is Superman. Maybe, he should go around town wearing a red undie and a cape with a big arse letter 'L'.  

Our CIAA wallah is not only interested to root out corruption from the civil service but also wants to make sure that our civil servants save their ill-gotten wealth by keeping cost low during weddings, bartabandas and other social functions. 

Most of us can’t afford to splurge and the only folks who have the moolah and want to flaunt it are our clowns, civil servants, cops, contractors and con artists masquerading as byaparis. 

This year's Teej was mellow compared to the previous years when all party palaces in the valley used to be fully booked.  And most of us are happy that we did not get to hear songs encouraging elopement this time around. 

But of course, the CIAA only warned our ladies not to go all out and waste thousands of Rupees on celebrating Teej as if the world will end this year. They really didn't say anything about songs or music videos where the main dancer dances like she is performing some Bollywood item number.  

A 90-year-old got into trouble when he invited hundreds of guest for his birthday party a few weeks ago. So if your 9-year-old wants to celebrate his or her birthday this week and then make sure you invite less than 51 students, teachers and relatives.

The CIAA wallahs want us to abide by the Social Behavior Reform Act 1976. If you really follow the Act then your guest list for a wedding procession must not exceed 51 and gold offerings to the newlyweds must not exceed 20 grams.

The only guy who ever followed the act was late Marichman Singh who had taken 50 other folks in his son's marriage procession. But we don't know if he invited more folks for the party but the point is at least he did try to respect the law. And what happens if you violate the so-called '51' Act? Then you can be slapped with a fine of Rs 3,000 or spend 30 days in jail. 

The problem with our laws is the fines and the jail term. If you can afford to spend 10 lakhs then 3,000 is chump change.  Maybe, they should increase the fine by a 10,000% to lakhs and then people will think twice before violating any laws of our land. 

Maybe we should have the '51' rule for nearly everything. How about having only 51 candidates for the new Constituent Assembly?  There are more than hundred political parties and it would be tough to have only one person from each party for the CA.  

Maybe, we should ask the fringe parties to merge like our financial institutions. They can save a few Rupees on campaigning and get more cadres to vandalize stuff.  Maybe, we should increase the signatures needed for registration of new parties to 100,000. The number of political parties should drop drastically after that.

And Lokman and his crew can do us a big favor if they direct political parties to only have 51 guests during their Dashain chiya pan karyakaram. After all it's a social function.  And maybe we should also have a limit on voluntary contribution to our political parties. Let's make it only Rs 51 per person. 

Our byaparis then won't have to issue fake VAT bills to save some dough for voluntary contribution. The Chinese are now acting tough against corrupt government officials. The Dumpling wallahs celebrated the mid-Autumn festival on Thursday. The Chinese government is cracking down against expensive gifts to civil servants. 

Our CIAA should issue a directive to all police posts across the country to stop extorting dough from local business wallahs so that they can send a Red Label, a Khasi and other gift items to their bosses.

The Nepal Food Corporation will probably send half the goats to hakim sahebs and our netas during Dashain.  Maybe that's why hundreds of goats die in their godown every year during Dashain.  Maybe we should have a law that strictly allows only 51gms of masu per each person during Dashain.  

If you are an alcoholic then you can drink no more than 51ml per hour. And if you are gambling during Dashain then each bet should not exceed Rs 51.  And if the local grunge band harasses you for not giving more than Rs 51 for their Deusi-Bhailo program then just give them Lokman's number  if they want to file a complaint. 

If Lokman really wants to prove a point then he should only take Rs 51 as his salary and forgo other government perks. 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Baidya Ba's Banda Bakwas

Baidya Ba and his angry birds have reminded us that bandas are not going away anytime soon.  Maybe they are just getting ready for November. After all, our comrades need to do some stretching and warm-up exercises before they carry out indefinite strikes in the coming days. 

The angry birds and the other weaklings neither have the money nor the muscles to carry out a full-fledged banda but like everyone else, they have their share of hooligans who are good at thrashing common citizens and vandalizing vehicles and public property.

We really need to find the guy who first inspired our clowns to shut down the country for no good reason. And then ask him to pay for all the damages so far.  At least in South Korea, the family of a former President has promised to pay more than US$ 150 million in fines. 

Let’s hope that one day our country will witness such acts from families of former Prime Monsters and other corrupt buffoons.  But our corrupt ones are more than willing to get hit by an asteroid rather than apologize for their sins. They seem to be proud to have looted the state treasury instead.  

We have to give credit to the Unidentified Moronic Losers (UML) for starting the trend of bandas when our Kangaroos were in power more than two decades ago. Now, everybody is into bandas and chakka jams. 

If somebody runs over your chicken, then you shut down the highway. If your husband gets drunk and comes home late, then you ask your local Ama samuha to shut down the district. If one of your cadres is arrested for murder then you shut down the country demanding his release. 

If one of your mudrey gundas gets killed by another gunda from another political party, then demand compensation from the state and then declare him a martyr as well.

If our angry birds and other fringe parties are not happy with the Khilly government then they should have bought tickets to the final of the SAFF Championship. Well, our national team wasn't playing but our angry birds would have saved our honor by filling up the stadium. 

And when Khil dai was in the field to shake hands with the players, our comrades should have unfurled a big banner saying 'Khil has to go because we said so!'.

Nepal Oil Corporation has hiked the fuel prices again.  And our student unions are not happy. They should gherao NOC instead of halting traffic in the morning. Most of our union wallahs don't even attend colleges. 

They are just in to make some noise with high hopes of getting a ticket to stand up for election from their district in the future. But of course, our student unions hire mundrey gundas for their nataks. And most of them hooligans do have bikes and it's always good to save a few Rupees on petrol whether you are a criminal or a common citizen. 

Our government should provide heavy discounts on bicycles for college students. Maybe then our union wallahs will stop creating chakka jams whenever there is a fuel price hike. The government can provide free bicycle repair vouchers to the students as well.

It's time our CIAA wallahs investigate the crooks at NOC and the petrol pump sahujis who make the moolah by selling us adulterated fuel products.  Maybe we will save some fuel if we get fuel efficient vehicles for our hakim sahebs, ministers and nautanki netas. 

Why should our clowns run around the city in gas guzzling SUVs? Get a Nano instead. And why do all of our ministers need a dozen armed guards who act like they are ready to go to war? Just get a small vehicle, and a personal security officer will do.  

And please stop all them siren nataks.  I think it would be better if our ministers and other high ranking officials attend meetings before sunrise or after sunset. Then our ambulances won't have to wait like the rest of us when our hardworking traffic personnel stop all vehicles so that our crooks can pass through in high speed.

Our stupid clowns claim to be doing all them nataks for us, the people. And what do the people want? We just want our clowns to get their act together and give us a chance to live our own lives. We don't want bandas. We want cheaper food prices so that we can afford to eat at least two meals a day. We want 

I think maybe we should all get together and carry out a banda to end all bandas. Let's have a final banda day where we celebrate all the past bandas by organizing tyre burning festivals, rock throwing competitions and the police can also show us their laathi-charging and kicking skills. And we can invite Baidya Ba to officially declare the end of the 'banda' era in the country. 

Saturday, September 7, 2013

The Manchurian Candidate

Baidya Ba and his angry birds are busy walking around the valley urging us to boycott the upcoming CA election.  But just shouting slogans and disrupting traffic will not be enough to convince us to stay home this November. There must be some incentive for all of us if we are to boycott the polls.  

If Baidya Ba really wants us to join him then he should at least ask the slimy contractors to finish the road widening projects in the valley.  Khilly dai had directed them to complete the bato ghato stuff by August and it’s already September.   

With the way things are going, don’t expect our contractors to wrap up their work this year. It took our contractors more than five years to build a small bridge in Singamangal.  

So it’s safe to say that it might take a few years before we get to walk on a clean, black-topped road in the valley. And some of the sidewalks are so small, that you will have to walk sideways or both pedestrian will have to be size zero if they want to pass each other without getting intimate.

Our NEA folks have yet to move them electric poles in many places and Nepal Telecom is not in a hurry to fix the landlines affected by the road widening project.  As usual, the common citizens have to suffer whereas contractors, civil servants and our clowns are happy with sharing the allocated funds.

If our angry birds can promise us that we will not have to deal with all the dhulo and debris from the road natak then at least we will think twice. Our clowns should learn from the Desis. The BJP wallahs are selling onions below the market price across India.  

Yes, it’s a political gimmick and instead of just spewing venom and attacking each other, why not help the common citizens by selling goats below the market price this Dashain?

Our Emperor and his courtiers have enough dough to buy a goat for each Nepali family. If they had any brains then they would have invested in agriculture and their cadres would have all been organic farmers by now. 

Instead of spending billions buying Desi goats and Chinese Chyangras every Dashain, we would be eating local and our former rebels would have made an honest hard-earned moolah.

Except for Baidya Ba and other weaklings, the rest of the clowns are busy gearing up for the second round of Constituent Assembly. Everybody wants a ticket and the election fever has also affected Kollywood as well.  

Rekha Thapa is ziggy-wiggy with the Maoist. Bhuwan KC is in love with the UML whereas our Superstar Rajesh Hamal wants to raise his iron fist for the Kangaroos.  Let’s hope that Shiva Shrestha will announce his affiliation with some other political party next week. 

Our political parties should have some kind of an admission test for new cadres. If you want to be a comrade then you should head to Peris Danda and take a multiple choice test comprising 50 questions about all the old crazy communists like Lenin, Stalin, Mao and other wackos.  It should be fun to check Rekha Thapa’s answers.  

If you are a fake communist then head to Balkhu and profess your love to the party like Bhuwan dai. The Unidentified Moronic Losers want folks with clean records to contest the polls. If they are really serious about having ‘clean’ folks then most of their netas should stay home and give the young blood a chance.

And if you want to hang out with the Kangaroos then head to Sanepa and have tea with Sushil da or Deuba.  The Kangaroos will break up again, so choose your side wisely for the next general election. It’s only time when the man from Dadeldhura will start his own musical band again.

Rameshower Khanal, the former finance secretary is now a Kangaroo and so is poet Shrawan Mukarung.  Maybe Khanal will come up with some formula for economic revolution and the poet can write a poem about how the Kanagroos screwed it up when they were in power. But our Madhesi parties have yet to attract Pahadis except for a few ones like the don from Kavre or former IGP.  

I think people like Anil Chitrakar should start a new party of like-minded folks who really want to do something for the country instead of just talking gibberish and spending all our taxpayer money doing nothing.  Mahabir Pun could start his own party. The party’s manifesto could be ‘free internet access to all’. 

Binod Chaudhary is also planning to stand up for election. He should stop hanging out with the UML and start his own party too. The “Wai Wai’ party could then offer us at least free packets of Wai Wai to all its cadres.

Five of our former Prime Ministers have pledged commitment to yet another economic revolution that will make our country a superpower by 2030. The five stooges signed the commitment at a program in Birgunj.  Let us hope that we will still have a country by then because the way things are going, we are more likely to disintegrate into feudal kingdoms in the future.