Saturday, May 25, 2013

The Everest Season



Last year, our crown prince and his girlfriend reached the summit. Then they eloped and climbed the Red Fort in Delhi.  And if our comrades get to rule us for another decade or two, don’t be surprised if the computer operator lands on Mars and then elopes with another lass or even an alien.

Everybody seems to have been bitten by the ‘Everest’ bug nowadays. This year, we have a bunch of Kollywood actors on top.  Arjun Karki and Nisha Adhikari have climbed Everest.  Hope they shot a few dance and song routine on their way to the summit.  

Maybe they should have pitched the idea for a movie to our crown prince even before they left Kathmandu for the Everest Base Camp. He would have probably provided the funding because who doesn’t want his or her story on silver screen?

While 40-year-olds in the capital are already suffering from hypertension and diabetes, grandpas are climbing Everest. Yuichiro Muira is now the oldest man to climb Everest at the age of 80. 

The Japani grandpa previously climbed Everest at the age of 70 and 75. Earlier, Our Nepali grandpa, Min Bahadur Sherchan with his diet of piro aloo and chuira beat Muira a few days later at the age of 76. Sherchan now plans to break Muira’s record once again at the age of 81.  

Since everybody is climbing Everest, we now think that getting to the top of the highest mountain in the world is as easy as climbing Dharahara. No, it’s not. It’s not like you can get drunk on Friday night and then hike to Shivapuri the next morning with a hangover. You need endurance, courage and a lot of help from our Sherpa brothers if you want to get to the top.

Well, there will always be a few Kuireys who don’t want any help from the Sherpas. They don’t even need any oxygen and would rather attempt to summit wearing a t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. And they also like to get into brawls with our lads. 

I guess somebody needs to remind them that just because you are white doesn’t mean that you are always right.  Give us a little bit respect. Yes, our government charges you tons of money to climb Everest but we are friendly people and it wouldn’t hurt for them bidhesis if they left their ego home.

Rekha Thapa, the sex symbol of today’s Kollywood has now joined the UCPN (Maoist).  It’s all about timing. She was off by a few years. If she had joined the party a day after she danced with our Emperor, then she would have been the chairperson of the Film Development Board.  

She is a comrade now and that will probably scare a few hall wallahs who like to skim off the box office. Rekha knows the industry well. She produces her own movies. Maybe she should also climb Everest and do an item number with a bunch of Yetis on the top of the world.

Five notorious dons have been charged with money laundering. But they are nowhere to be found. That’s how we roll in this land of ours. Maybe they are all up there at the Everest Base Camp hanging out with other adventure seekers. 

It’s hard to believe that Ganesh Lama is a don. He is a legitimate businessman. He is also a member of our former Home Minister’s party. Bijaya Gacchadar should be given an award for promoting inclusion.  You normally don’t find a Pahadi in a central committee of a Madhesi party. 

Why is everyone after Deepak dai? It’s not his fault that he happens to live in Thamel.  Chakre Milan is in jail. It’s his bad luck. While the other dons are roaming around freely, he has to stay inside and watch TV all day. 

Then we have our Parshuram Basnet, the former conductor turned gangster turned UML youth leader. The other guy on the list is not even worth mentioning because he is only worth a few Karod. 

All of them dons charged with making millions through illegitimate means are affiliated with our major political parties.  It’s the same old story. Our clowns decide to widen the roads. Criminals get the contracts and kickbacks to our clowns. And our cops beat up tole basis if they decide to protest.  

The former Mandaleys are now uniting except for our former Home Minister Kamal Thapa. Kamal dai is happy with his chariot procession and  ‘Bring Hindu Back’ nataks. It’s funny that most of our ‘Hindu’ warriors have their kids abroad. Why not send them kids to an Ashram and teach them to recite mantras instead? 

Grandpa Surya is still going strong. He might never become the Prime Minister again but he sure can break all records if he climbs Everest.  


Saturday, May 18, 2013

More Cops, More problems




The Khilly government has decided to recruit 6,010 new cops. It would be nice to find out how our civil servants crunch numbers. Who gets to decide how many cops we really need? Did they ask an astrologer to come up with the magic number?

Maybe, they just figured that we would probably have 601 clowns once again for Constituent Assembly II and they might need more security this time.  After all, our clowns don’t want to get slapped every other week.  At least ten cops will be enough to form a quite a big circle to protect our lazy bums.
 
Our 601 new buffoons can get 10 cops each for their security. Some of them can walk around with the freeloader. Some can do the dishes and wash clothes. Some can wake up at 4 in the morning to check if there is any water from the Khanepani folks. And somebody will have to stay in line for fuel and cooking gas whenever there is a shortage. Not all of them will get freebies from Nepal Oil Corporation. 
 
Our clowns have turned them police wallahs into personal slaves. Instead of protecting the public, they are busy protecting the buffoons. So, why not just pay the cops from their own party funds instead of wasting our taxpayers money? Hope someday our civil servants will be ashamed of themselves when they realize that their salaries and ghoos money all come from the public’s pockets.
 
The Home Ministry wants new cops for our highways. Why do we need a bunch of loafers who will act as mute spectators when a bunch of hooligans shut down the highways?  Maybe they should also be trained as mechanics so that they can fix flat tyres or do an oil change if necessary. At least that would be an honest earning instead of extorting them truck drivers.
 
The valley will get some new cops as well. Instead of bothering us with their so-called security checks at 8 in the evening, why not deploy a team to each ward in the valley and ask them to walk around our toles from 11 to 5 in the morning? 
 
That would save us time by not having to dial ‘100’ and then wait for a day for the cops to show up. At least if we have someone patrolling our neighborhood, we can just open the window and shout for help. 

If they want volunteers then we can form a neighborhood watch program and have tole basis devote at least a few hours per week. What will we do? We will just keep an eye on our neighborhood police to prevent them from drinking on duty and then snatching some drunk guy’s wallet or gold chain.
 
If we have local volunteers with them then they won’t be trying to ask funny questions or harass both men and women who are coming home late from a party or work or even a book club meeting.

It’s about time our cops understand that things are different in urban areas.  While the village lads and lasses have them all-night dohori sessions, the city slickers also need a place to hang out.
 
Our cops think that a woman who hangs out after 10 in the evening is of bad character. And all men who are out on the street are criminals.  It’s as if our cops themselves are holy saints who are out in the night saving our souls. 
 
Well, not all of us may be good people but it’s your job to investigate and let the honest, hard working folks go home and you can take the criminal elements to mamaghar. Let’s hope our new cops will at least get adequate training on how to behave like civilized human beings.
 
We will probably get more incompetent cops since only those with source-force will get them jobs. You either need some dough or you will get the job depending on whom you know. For the rest of the folks who think they will get hired based on their merit should not waste their time staying in line for hours to submit the forms. 
 
The ‘Nepali’ dream is not based on your talent and hard work. It is based on your acting and moneymaking skills. Either you have to have the brains to fool the other person or show him or her the money so that your job gets done.
 
Phones will start ringing. Money will change hands. So if you have a few lakhs to spare then you could at least be a constable. If your uncle happens to be a drinking  buddy of one of the new Maharjas then you can apply for Inspector but don’t forget the cash.  Cash is always king!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

It’s a bird, it’s a plane... it’s Lokman!



The Amrikis have Super Man, Spider Man, Bat Man and Iron Man and of course many other ‘–man’. But of course, they are just bunch of fictional superheroes. Tony Stark is a billionaire and uses his powered suit of armor to protect the world as Iron Man. 

We too have our own ‘Nepali’ billionaire in the Forbes List and he is real, alive and kicking just like you and me.  Let us all hope that Binod dai will find ways to use his wealth to help the poor and the needy. 

He could follow the ‘Warren Buffet’ formula and give most of his wealth to charity after he is gone and leave some pocket money for his kids. The chump change would still be enough for his kids to live a privileged life.
 

If he can come up with a fancy costume then he can be a superhero as well. The difficult part is finding the right name when he dons a costume. He could be the ‘Wai Wai Man’, who helps hungry folks with a free packet of Wai Wai.  Eating only instant noodles will not make us healthy. 

Maybe Binod dai should invest in them apple farms in Jomson and we can get a free apple for every packet of Wai Wai we buy. At least them apples might compensate for high sodium and low fiber diet. 
 

Here in this great land of ours, we have a real superhero now and his name is ‘Lokman’.  Our beloved President has appointed him to head one of the most incompetent government body… the Commission for Investigation of Abuse of Authority (CIAA).  Well, we still have yet to find an efficient government agency. That would be like finding  dinosaur footprints in the middle of Ratnapark.
 

The CIAA has yet to find any politicians guilty of corruption. Well, a few former ministers have gone to prison and all they got was a year and half in Dillibazar Prison. The CIAA found our former IGPs guilty in the ‘Sudan APC Scam’ but what about our former home ministers and other political leaders who probably made some dough as well?
 

Superhero Lokman was the Chief Secretary during Gyanu uncle’s direct rule. Does that make him an evil monster? No! He was just doing his job. After all, one cannot go far up the ladder if one does not kiss them arses. 

According to our media wallahs, the Maoists & Madhesis (M&Ms) wanted Lokman while the Nepali Kangaroos and the Unidentified Moronic Losers were pressured to support his appointment. Our clowns talk about foreign pressure every time they can’t agree on something. 

Maybe our clowns wanted Lokman so that he would spend his days reading newspapers and drinking doodh chiya. If they leave Lokman alone then he would do everything in his power to prevent any investigation of abuse of authority by our ‘new age’ clowns.
 

Or is it the other way round? It takes a crook to catch a crook.  So far, our clowns have been running around town, shouting ‘Catch Me if You Can’ and we have yet to find anyone from the days of the Shree Tins till now … guilty of anything. 
 

So the CIAA should just shut down its offices and open a counseling center for Amriki spies.  It could be a ‘CIA Anonymous’ like the ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’.

All CIA wallahs who have problems can visit Nepal and get some counseling from the CIAA. What could we teach them Kuireys? Nothing but our clowns can ask them to give us suitcases full of dollars like the ones Hamid Karzai receives.
 

When the bidhesis throw a tantrum, our clowns will do anything to pacify them. When, we Nepalis throw a tantrum, they send the Nepal Police to show us their skills in laath-charging! The bideshis threaten to cut down them foreign aid if they are not happy with our buffoons. And if there is no aid then there won’t much room left for commissions. 
 

No wonder, a Kuire can walk around town at 2 in the morning and the police will ignore him because they don’t want to waste their time learning English 101. If it’s a Nepali, then the police wallah will suddenly have enough questions that it would turn out to be some kind of a session with Sigmund Freud. We still have yet to let go of that ‘White Man … must be a rich man’ natak!
 

Our student unions want the government to send Lokman home. The smaller fishes want the President to resign. Leave Lord Rama alone. If Lokman can come back then why not bring Lord Vishnu as well? At least Gyanu Uncle can be the chief guest for all them jatras in the valley. 
 

Our student unions should gherao the Foreign Ministry and demand that Dorje Gurung, a former teacher at Qatar Academy is freed from a Doha jail and he can come home and go trekking, rafting or even para-gliding.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Hollow Promises




Our Emperor is back from Delhi and he is running around the country boasting about how he has managed to make up with the Desis. The Emperor should have stuck to either speaking Nepali or English but like every other clowns, he had to speak in Hindi to the Desi media wallahs. 

Our clowns bitch about India and blame them for all our problems when they are here at home. But when they go to Disneyland, then they are busy kissing the Desis’ arses and acting like bunch of kids who want free lollipops from the candy store owner.

But the Desis were preoccupied with other stuff and didn’t have much time for our Napoleon. The Chinese are now into pitching tents inside India. Maybe the PLA troops just want to have a BBQ party in India. The Desi media didn’t give much coverage to our Emperor’s visit. 

He was shown smiling at some five-star hotel banquet hall where he was invited to talk about the same old stuff.  The Desi media were busy covering the Chinese tent wallahs, the 1984 anti-Sikh riots verdict and the death of an alleged Indian spy in Pakistan. Mickey Mouse was busy trying to get some fresh air as his government now has to deal with the ‘Coalgate’ natak.
 
Our Emperor has promised us that our per capita income will be US$ 3,000 if he is given the opportunity to rule us for another decade. Well, that could be the political slogan for our comrades during the upcoming CA election. But aren’t our clowns supposed to write the constitution and wrap up the integration of the Maoist combatants first?
 
Our buffoons can dream about making this country another Switzerland or Singapore after that when we have the parliamentary elections.  Maybe somebody needs to stand up and promise us that Nepal will be another Swaziland minus the monarchy of course. The Swazi’s per capita is more than US$ 3,000 now.
 
If our clowns really want to develop Nepal then they should stop shutting down the country. Our trade unions should work for pay instead of asking for more perks and benefits for doing nothing.  Just give us batti, paani and stop the byaparis from selling us adulterated stuff. And please do work on controlling the food prices.
 
Our clowns are still not decided on whether we want a Amriki Presidential natak or the British parliamentary system. I think we should go for the Amriki natak. At least, a clown will get four years to show us his or her dance moves. 

And instead of getting all kinds of crooks in the cabinet, the President can select his or her cabinet members other than the crooked MPs. And if we can have a two-term presidency then we won’t have to worry about our buffoons hanging on to power until they drop dead.
 
Our Emperor is dreaming of a railway line from Lhasa to Lumbini. Maybe we should just ask the Desis to cover half the distance and the Chinese can do the rest.  He also wants an international airport in Biratnagar.  Well, we are still waiting for international airports in Bhairahawa and Pokhara. I think it’s time we request our clowns to stop making hollow promises.
 
If our Emperor is really interested to develop Nepal then he should go on a world-tour. It could be like the ‘around the world in 80 days’ kind of natak.  We still have six months more to go before the upcoming CA elections. We are not sure even if our interim government will conduct the polls then but our Emperor can visit as many countries he wants in the next six months.
 
Why only allow the Chinese and the Desis to take on development projects in the country? Maybe, we can get 75 countries to sponsor a district each. The Singaporeans can sponsor Sarlahi. The Americans can sponsor Achham. 

The Germans can organize beer festivals in Gulmi. The French can start growing truffles somewhere. If we can Brazil to sponsor Banke then who knows, we might be able to attract a million tourists when we have some kind of a carnival in the district. Luxembourg can sponsor Lamjung and maybe it will be the tax-haven for the rich ones in Asia.
 
If we can’t find any sponsors for some districts then we can just ask the Desi and the Chinese to open their own cultural centers or language institutes. Our clowns should burn their old ‘political’ notebooks. Be it the Red Book or the Green Book or the book on ‘cheating, stealing and squealing’… just burn them all.

At the end of the day, we just want to be free…. free to practice our faith, free to travel to another part of the country without some political cadres shutting down the highway, free from having to pay the ‘chiya kharcha’ fee to our civil servants to receive services from the state.