Saturday, May 11, 2013

It’s a bird, it’s a plane... it’s Lokman!

The Amrikis have Super Man, Spider Man, Bat Man and Iron Man and of course many other ‘–man’. But of course, they are just bunch of fictional superheroes. Tony Stark is a billionaire and uses his powered suit of armor to protect the world as Iron Man. 

We too have our own ‘Nepali’ billionaire in the Forbes List and he is real, alive and kicking just like you and me.  Let us all hope that Binod dai will find ways to use his wealth to help the poor and the needy. 

He could follow the ‘Warren Buffet’ formula and give most of his wealth to charity after he is gone and leave some pocket money for his kids. The chump change would still be enough for his kids to live a privileged life.

If he can come up with a fancy costume then he can be a superhero as well. The difficult part is finding the right name when he dons a costume. He could be the ‘Wai Wai Man’, who helps hungry folks with a free packet of Wai Wai.  Eating only instant noodles will not make us healthy. 

Maybe Binod dai should invest in them apple farms in Jomson and we can get a free apple for every packet of Wai Wai we buy. At least them apples might compensate for high sodium and low fiber diet. 

Here in this great land of ours, we have a real superhero now and his name is ‘Lokman’.  Our beloved President has appointed him to head one of the most incompetent government body… the Commission for Investigation of Abuse of Authority (CIAA).  Well, we still have yet to find an efficient government agency. That would be like finding  dinosaur footprints in the middle of Ratnapark.

The CIAA has yet to find any politicians guilty of corruption. Well, a few former ministers have gone to prison and all they got was a year and half in Dillibazar Prison. The CIAA found our former IGPs guilty in the ‘Sudan APC Scam’ but what about our former home ministers and other political leaders who probably made some dough as well?

Superhero Lokman was the Chief Secretary during Gyanu uncle’s direct rule. Does that make him an evil monster? No! He was just doing his job. After all, one cannot go far up the ladder if one does not kiss them arses. 

According to our media wallahs, the Maoists & Madhesis (M&Ms) wanted Lokman while the Nepali Kangaroos and the Unidentified Moronic Losers were pressured to support his appointment. Our clowns talk about foreign pressure every time they can’t agree on something. 

Maybe our clowns wanted Lokman so that he would spend his days reading newspapers and drinking doodh chiya. If they leave Lokman alone then he would do everything in his power to prevent any investigation of abuse of authority by our ‘new age’ clowns.

Or is it the other way round? It takes a crook to catch a crook.  So far, our clowns have been running around town, shouting ‘Catch Me if You Can’ and we have yet to find anyone from the days of the Shree Tins till now … guilty of anything. 

So the CIAA should just shut down its offices and open a counseling center for Amriki spies.  It could be a ‘CIA Anonymous’ like the ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’.

All CIA wallahs who have problems can visit Nepal and get some counseling from the CIAA. What could we teach them Kuireys? Nothing but our clowns can ask them to give us suitcases full of dollars like the ones Hamid Karzai receives.

When the bidhesis throw a tantrum, our clowns will do anything to pacify them. When, we Nepalis throw a tantrum, they send the Nepal Police to show us their skills in laath-charging! The bideshis threaten to cut down them foreign aid if they are not happy with our buffoons. And if there is no aid then there won’t much room left for commissions. 

No wonder, a Kuire can walk around town at 2 in the morning and the police will ignore him because they don’t want to waste their time learning English 101. If it’s a Nepali, then the police wallah will suddenly have enough questions that it would turn out to be some kind of a session with Sigmund Freud. We still have yet to let go of that ‘White Man … must be a rich man’ natak!

Our student unions want the government to send Lokman home. The smaller fishes want the President to resign. Leave Lord Rama alone. If Lokman can come back then why not bring Lord Vishnu as well? At least Gyanu Uncle can be the chief guest for all them jatras in the valley. 

Our student unions should gherao the Foreign Ministry and demand that Dorje Gurung, a former teacher at Qatar Academy is freed from a Doha jail and he can come home and go trekking, rafting or even para-gliding.

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