Thursday, February 26, 2009

Bhatti Talk!

Visited Khairey dai (yes that's his name!) ko bhatti after few months... the place is still a dump but his haans ko choela is still selling like the ducks are going to be extinct next week! Khairey dai is like the 'Soup Nazi' guy from Seinfield. No matter how nice you are to him, he just doesn't give a @#$! It's like he has a hammer stuck up his arse. And customer service is below zero.

The seating is ... well you can barely fit six people but when it comes to drinking twat & choela then you can get twenty drunks as close as you can get. And Ramu and his mistress were enjoying Aloo, bhatmaas and masu. Sarkari chors were busy drinking and laughing and we were... just waiting for Khairey dai to give us a 'Binaca' smile! He never did but we got our choela, aloo, bhatmaas and local twat.

Everybody was talking about Bollywood movies. Ramu was busy kissing his woman. The Sarkari chors were busy staring @ Ramu and Khaire Dai ... he looked like he was going to stab Ramu with his Daaru!

Ghajini has made over 40 million Amriki dollars and Rab De is not that far behind but the biggest hit so far is 'Raaz - The Mystery Continues' . Really? RTMC was made for a million US$ and it has so far grossed over 8 million. And the Bhatts know how to make a movie for peanuts and take home the whole farm.

The whole world may hate Emraan Hashmi but this guy will continue to be a leading, kissing and hissing man as long as the Bhatts make money. Kangana is da girl! But Hashmi the jackass is a lucky guy. Govinda would only get to hug his ladies but Hashmi is like .... 'I may never get a chance to kiss a girl again so I must really seize the day and kiss them all till I get a cold sore on my lip'

Got done with Khairey Dai's specials and the bill was like 3,276 Rupees. This place is really expensive. It is rumored that K-dai goes home every night with a big sack full of Rupees. He's a lucky man... some people travel all around the world looking for riches but Mr. K has made it big in KTM and all he sells is plates of Aloo, Bhatmaas and Haans ko choela!

I suck @ cooking... well I can make some home fries and that's about it but I can never be another Khairey Dai. I am still looking for a job and it's very hard to sell yourself when your skills are : telling stories, whining about everything and blaming the world for all your problems!

I asked this so-called life coach for some advice and she said, 'You have a whining attitude ... you better have a winning attitude or one day you will realize that you could have done so much but you spent all your time whining about the little things...'

Then she got married and haven't heard from her ever since. I hope she didn't hook up with Hannibal Lecter M.D.!

Got bitten by another dog today. I don't know what's wrong with me. This is the second time in less than three months. Some guys get love bites the size of Angola and I have to deal with stray dogs taking a (small) chunk of my calf. And my neighborhood vet is a beautiful lady. I thought she was single and did ask her out for a coffee... and she said, 'I have a fiance' ... okay!

Just a cup of coffee... I am not Emraan Hasmni!

Every nice girl you are interested in ... has a fiance and all the dogs hate you. I need to go back and find this 'astrologer' dude who promised me that I would fall in love with a KTM ko shauji ko only chori and get married and live happily for a while. He also said she would leave me for another bloke but hey .. pahila biha ta garna deu yaar!

And here's James 'Paranoid' Blunt with his song 'Aaahhoo-huuuuuuuuuu' ... Purano girl-saathi of mine reminds me to listen to this song now and then. And if you speak Portuguese then ... O Mesmo Erro !

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

School Tax?

(the Private school-wallahs) is threatening to shut down the schools than pay the 5% Education Service Tax! If you don't own a private school then it's a good idea but if you do then it must be like shoving your head up your own arse. Is that possible?

I don't know but with this 'Yoga' thing... anything is possible! I don't blame our Finance Minister, BRB... the guy is doing his best. After all, taxes is what runs the country but it's very hard to change old habits.

When you have spent the last 30+ years , bending the rules and paying under the table... it's very hard to convince folks to walk around in the nude. BRB wants transparency and the PABSON folks ... they want to close down and move to the West!

According to Khukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, 95% of private school owners have already bought apartments in Amrika, UK, Singapore, Bangkok and the Moon! Where did the money come from? The answer is ... blowin' in the wind.

And majority of the private school-wallahs are wives of former Army and Police officials and so-called journalists. Nothing wrong with that but when you own school buses worth millions of dollars then even the ice-cream wallah outside the school gate will be dreaming of ways to kidnap you for a ransom!

It would be a better option to pay the EST and then ask the government to be transparent with what it does with the dough!

PABSON paid billions of rupees to the Maobaadis during the so-called civil war. But PABSON doesn't want to pay to the Nepali Government. Yes, we should all pay taxes and at the same time our government should send a report to all taxpayers and show us where it ends up!

The loadshedding is making it hard for our SLC students and now the government is threatening to stop PABSON students from taking their SLC exams and PABSON is doing its counter-threatening to shut down the schools.

I think we should bring in Umesh Shrestha (the guy from Little Angels school) to act as the mediator. After all, he was the #1 fundraiser for the Maoists back in the days!

Jhallu is the new chairperson of the UML. Oli is oily and Makune should go to Kasi and throw away his dream of being the next PM in the holy river or something. The UML's new theme song is "Jhalak Dikhla Jaa" and the way Girija is blabbering, I think he will live to be 160... like them turtles somewhere in the Galapagos Islands!

A newspaper guy was shouting 'Gyanendra Rata Rat Desh chodera Bhagyo'... so I bought his newspaper. Nice gimmick to sell a newspaper! Give Gyanu a break. He is off to India for a wedding. The Ranas, Shahs and our politicians all have Indian connections either by marriage, business or political deals.

What about us? Well, we will always have Danny Dengzonpa. Happy B'day DD (he's 61!)...and he is not even Nepalese! So what... I am rooting for Sourabhee!

Yes, Kapil is our Nepali brother but Sourabhee (her mom is Nepali!) is the bomb! BTW, Kapil is in the Army but either he's too laid back or just Low-Shay! And the girl from Shillong... well, I am ready to sign up for her Army. Yes Sir... eh.. Maam!

No lights in the house.... word on the street is that NEA is increasing the load shedding hours from 16 to 22! Man, bring back the monarchy... at least we can blame the King for all our problems.

Now, we can't blame anyone. The Congressis blame the Maobadis, the Maobadis blame foreign hands and the Khaobaadis are happy that 'commission' business is still going strong.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Small Business !

I am still brainstorming (with my buddies) on what kind of businesses I should be involved in... and so far, I have come up with these!

Vegetables: Yes, we all love Veggies don't we? Get up @ 4 in the morning, visit the Kalimati Vegetable market, grab few aloos, gobi, sabji and other veggie stuff. The vegetable sellers in my neighborhood make a profit of Rs 200-500 a day! The markup is like 40%. The good thing about it is everybody needs Aloo. The bad part would be... waking up @ 4 in the morning.

Sekuwa Corner: Nepalese love to drink and eat masu. A Sekuwa Cart owner makes Rs 800-1,200 a day! The good thing about it is flexible working hours. You can set up your stall @ 4 in the evening and wrap it up by 9 pm. The bad part would be... spending hours cutting masu, marinating and stuff like that.

Beauty Parlor: Okay, I have no experience in this business but Nepali girls spend more money visiting them 'beauty' salons than on anything else. If we can also introduce a 'Get One Free Margarita" while Mr. Chadani does your hair then the Beauty Parlor would be a great hit.

I have ruled out extortion, murder, illegal gambling and escort services because I don't think I am good @ hafta-asooli and beating other folks.

I was thinking about opening a restaurant but few of my friends are now busy swatting flies. The rent is like Rs 160,000 per month. Two thousand Amriki bucks. Holy Cow! And on top of that, you have a 40 lakhs ko investment. Now you are truly @#$!ed ... aren't you?

The Bhooka tourists will sit back with a glass of wine, waiting for 2010 whereas our Nepali crowd will drink, puke and punch each other in the nose. And if we really believe in equality then we should also cater to the ladies.

The only way to save his business is to open a dance bar.... for the ladies only! Yes, Full Monty is back. After all Gals just wanna have fun...too! At least give them the opportunity to heckle, molest and be rowdy. And I think I need to hit the gym.

Or ... if you want to open a club then open one like them pahilay ko Studio 54 (NYC). A place where ghooskhori hakim ko chori can dance with a vegetable seller and even if you are rich and beautiful, the chances of getting in would be at the doorman's discretion and not who your father is!

I would love to see Dr. BRB's daughter dance with a Samsosa-wallah and Prachanda do a chicken dance with Girija's daughter! And maybe Paras can fly down from Singapore and join the crowd as well. After all, we are F-A-M-I-L-Y !

Monday, February 23, 2009

Shiva's Bday!

Today's Shivaji ko Bday. All the G-lovers (not the spot!) are busy throwing 'Shivaratri' Bash all around town. And didn't know... there will millions of little kids in KTM. Was walking around the neighborhood and little brats were busy manning their checkposts. When we were kids, we usually stopped vehicles but kids these days have resorted to stopping pedestrians as well.

I went on a 15-minute walk and had to pass through 30+ checkposts. It's more easier to talk your way out of the 'Police' checking thing but with kids, it's a different story. They literally grab your feet and won't budge until you cough off something. Thanks to Lord Shiva, I had a packet of Hajmola Paachak, half a packet of 'Spout' chewing gum, a supaari and a single 'mentos' candy and 100 Rupees.

I got home empty-handed... well, one kid even tried to get away with my cigarettes but I had to smack him . Bam Dev should learn a thing or two from these kids. If you really want to stop criminal activities then fire the cops and hire these kids. Okay, we have to worry about child labor issues but we can make them volunteers or something.

Today's Army day as well. Saw a few ads in the newspaper. I think it was the folks who bag the Army contracts. NA hasn't changed much. The Generals make millions. But who doesn't? A friend of mine went to the NEA (No Electricity A-holes) to change his meter. The meter got all burnt out due to overloading.

He had to bribe the guys 5K to get a meter. The Sarkari karmarcharis are the same. Even Prachanda won't be able to do anything. As they say in Amrika, 'if you can't beat 'em then join 'em'... The Maobaadis are no different.

Happy ShivaRatri, Happy Army Day, Happy party to the NEA guys who made 5K in a day... and Congrats to A R Rahman... for bagging two Oscars. Jai Ho!

Now we need to invite Danny Boyle to Kathmandu and Freida Pinto can be a dance bar girl, who really wants to quit her job and be the next Joan of Arc and our Patel bhai can play a son of a Madeshi mobster from Birgunj! And Rajesh Hamal can bitch about it in his blog (?) and maybe it will go on to win another Oscar... Jai Ho! And AR Rahman might convert to Judaism then.

SlumDog was an okay movie but hey if Al Gore can get a Nobel Peace Prize for slide show (& Bush can play 'God' for 8 years!) then anything is possible!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Love hurts ?

Some guys have all the luck... said Swami Roddy Stewart. And when the girl leaves... the guy goes crazy. I might be wrong but 90% of all the guys do think about all the gals they have loved before. And somewhere down the road, things didn't work and the gals moved on but the guys are still smoking weed and drinking local raksi to forget and forgive.

But men don't forgive or forget... they always hope that the ladies will come back even after she's been happily married to another bloke for a decade and has enough kids to front a six-a-side soccer team.

Why? I don't get it. Women move on faster than you know who! I went to visit my high school buddy and he's still talking about his love when Monica Seles was hot. Well Miss Seles was never on my 'hot' list but her grunts were ... well if you forgot about the tennis match and was visually impaired then you would think something else was going on!

C'mon dude... move on. Your gal is now happily married to a guy who owns a bank. Okay he does try to stretch it too far with his 'Donald Trumpy' hairstyle but give this Richie Rich a break. He is going bald and you look like you need a full Brazilian wax or something.

And women these days love bald men and if you are worth millions and bald then that should seal the deal! And for hairy drunk(s) still living in denial.. it's about time you beg your parents to find you a bride!

Wake up! You are not Florentino Ariza, so quit the natak... shave, stop smoking , go out and meet new women and remember this is not 'love in the time of karela' .

And to Miss S... u are really something. Hot, smart and going out with a rich bloke but if he somehow manages to die in a plane crash or of a brain tumor (I like them 80s Bollywood movies!) then don't forget our buddy, Florentino!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Not a Good Idea!

Once again, we have a fuel shortage in KTM. This time, it has nothing to do with not paying the bills to our Desi brothers. Well, the story is that the government wants to get rid of 20-year old tankers but the tanker-wallahs don't think it's a good idea.

The government has asked the transportation-wallahs to cut down the fares but so far they have been only showing their middle finger. And traffic police do more harm than good by conducting a surprise inspection in the middle of the road. It creates more traffic jam.

Our KTM cyclists like to ride in the middle of the street and mo'bikes folks will try to squeeze in even if it means getting flattened by a big-arse truck!

The PM is getting a new car. Yes, the average working class wage in KTM is around 3,000 Rupees and so-called professionals make around 15-20,000. A dishwasher in Kathmandu will have to work 3,333.33 years to be able to afford a car like the one the PM will be cruising around in KTM!

And that is only possible if he sleeps on the street, walks around naked, eats nothing and doesn't carry a mobile! And of course, if only he doesn't have to pay any taxes to the local trade union.

Load shedding is not going to hamper new business plans. There will be another TV news channel soon. Yes, our first NTV newsreader, Mr. Durga Nath Sharma will be heading this new venture and Rama Singh and Nir Shah, both NTV folks are also involved in this project. According to Khukhurachor Guptachar Bivag (KGB) agents, Uncle Gyanu is the major shareholder. I don't know, this is Nepal. Too much Halla and @#$ ko dalla!

And we also have Bhaskar Raj Karnikar who heads Avenues TV and Bhusan Dahal looks after Kantipur TV. So folks, if you want to be a media tycoon... then please start with reading the news or hosting music shows and then in a decade or two , you will own a TV station in Nepal!

The water tanker folks are having a hard time satisfying their customers. The folks at Godavari, Sundarijal have stopped the tanker-wallahs from filling their tanks. Filled up the tankie today. The water was all muddy. Can't complain... or the tanker guys might not show up the next time.

It's never a good idea to ask for better service. We get no respect from the government, local businesses or even the stray dogs. If you are dressed up like a hippie then the local dogs go crazy as if they want a piece of your balls. Even the local stray dogs are racist. They leave the Khuire hobos alone!

The local momo shop ko achar is different every other day. If you ask why then they will blame the tomatoes. If you go to NTC and complain about the network then they will blame the electricity. If you go to a local masu shop and bitch about the khasi ko masu not being tasty enough, the butcher will curse at the khasi. Next time, he will give you a donkey instead!

If you ask the taxi driver not to park in the middle of the street, he says, 'Where should I park ... in your house?'

If you ask a school teacher why he is drinking local raksi in the afternoon, he replies, "Why, do you have a problem if I drink?"

If you ask somebody their name.. they will not only get offended but will give you an evil glare as if you are asking them to join in for a game of 'strip poker'... @$!#... so it's not a good idea to be nice and friendly and trying to help others. Just follow the KYMS formula. Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Bagmati stinks like Hell. KYMS. The vegetable seller dumps his trash in the middle of the street. KYMS. No water, no batti, no work, no money, no honey. KYMS all the way to death!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Democracy Day!

Offices are closed... becoz it's 'Democracy' day! Well, we got rid of the Ranas but they still own half of Kathmandu. We got rid of the Panches and they own big businesses. We got sick of the 'multi-party' folks and their kids have nice apartments in New York. And now, our Maobaddies may talk a lot of BS but they swing both ways.

What is Democracy? I don't know but in Nepal, it means everybody getting a piece of the pie. Well, everybody = sarkari folks and politicians! And we , 25+ million folks are ... well according to these chors, we don't exist. The Nepalese people are like a hardworking, innocent wife of a bad arse drunk.

The husband comes home and starts beating up the woman, rapes her and spits on her face. But the woman doesn't want to leave because she is either scared, has no choice or still hopes that her man will one day realize his natak and change for good.

Well, since 1951 .... the Nepalese people are still waiting. We have been @#$!ed by nearly everyone yet we continue to hope for a better tomorrow. That day may never come but as long as we keep on hoping then we don't have to join a cult and kill ourselves.

And talking about @#$!ing, there is a new X video circulating in KTM. I was in Lagankhel and the 40+ sahujis were all glued to their cellphones and then I was in Thamel and it was the same story. By the end of the day, half the men in KTM were busy bluetoothing their 'Boka' friends!

Nothing wrong with two young people doing their thing but this guy must be a jackass or a mean arsehole. And I really feel sorry for the gal. Why would you agree to make a recording of your ability to perform fellatio? Well if you are Pamela or Paris then it might boost your career but for normal folks... fugetaboutit!

And please use a raincoat ... it helps you from catching cold or other STDs! I am not a Sage and yes, I did watch the video but I really felt bad for the girl. Maybe she dumped the guy and now the SOB is trying to get even!

And few of the Nepali Talibans (my friends!) who go to Nagarkot every weekend with different girls were like, 'She must be a whore' ... I don't care who she is but nobody has the right to do this. There is nothing wrong with exchanging bodily fluids or carpet munching or whatever but that's a private thing.

Whoever made this tape ... I hope the girl in the video will go back to this guy and then just pull a Lorena Bobbit on him!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Just Dance !

Went to this Valentine's party thing few days ago and it was .... okay! Well, it was fun for lot of young couples who were exchanging saliva like they were planning to break the world record for most couples kissing. Young people these days really know how to lip lock. No more kissing greeting cards or love letters like we used to do in the old days!

Life then was like a Bollywood movie. Maine Pyar Kiya! No holding hands in public, meeting in restaurants on the other side of town and getting your arse kicked by the girl's brother. And the girl always seem to have a brother in every alley in Kathmandu!

Life now is still like a Bollywood movie... Maine Pyar Kuin Kiya! you don't have to worry about showing your affection and you can meet at the neighborhood cafe for guff suff and every brother in every alley now wants to be your friend.

Anyways, the V-day party was a blast for lot of folks. I was just there to support my friend and his so-called event management company. So far, he has lost money in all the events he has organized. I guess you are who your friends are! And most of my friends are happy with what they are doing but most of us are not making any money. But this 'event' buddy is a cool cat. He plans to open a Nudist resort in the near future. Good luck mate!

Budweiser is coming to Nepal! Who the @#$! wants to drink a Bud? I don't. Well, Bud Light was the drink of the day back in the late 90s... you can drink an 18-pack and still not get drunk! Then came Corona, Heineken and then went to counting calories and sticking with Michelob light and now it's back to Carlsberg and whatever shots come my way!

And then there was dancing. Although I really couldn't find any Desi girls, the 'Desi gal' song was a big hit. And Nepali folks can really dance. There was a gymmer and his 'see my muscles' dance moves was irritating for the guys but ladies seem quite impressed. Govinda's evil cousin was dancing with his invisible partner and going crazy with his pelvic thrusts. And Michael Jackson is not dead yet. He was busy grabbing his crotch.

And I danced with a friend's ex-girlfriend... her hips don't lie. And my sources tell me that my friend has put me on his hit list. It's just a dance... stupid! And you can't really say 'No' to a beautiful lady.... cause getting asked to dance by Shakira's sister is like waiting for a Haley's comet!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

First Job !

I have finally decided to get a job. Well, I have had like 101 jobs since I was 15. My first 'real' job was teaching that silly Microsoft Office stuff to a bunch of hakim sahebs from the Ministry of Finance. I spent more time trying to persuade these old buggers that I knew what I was teaching. They could never comprehend why they were being taught basic stuff by a teenager.

After all, they had seen it all... I guess it was some kind of a government thing that you had to learn this 'new' computer stuff and it was their bad luck that I was being asked to teach them. I am not good at anything except remembering people's faces and names. And them sarakari chors are now big promoters of many so-called financial institutions.

I got it from my school principal who remembered the names of everyone he met. He not only remembered your name but your parents', siblings and even the name of your dog. If only we had millions of folks like him then we wouldn't need them Blackberrys!

Well after three months of snickering about my qualifications, they finally got their certificate and would now be proficient in playing Solitaire on the job. So if you want to pass time and get paid and make millions on the side then get a government job. And then you retire with a nice pension and then open your own bank, hospital, school and what not! Life is great... here in Nepal!

To tell you the truth, I didn't even understand half the stuff I was teaching. And my friends thought I was the next 'Bill Gates'. Well, I don't own MeroSoft and my net worth is in the minus... more of a Billy the Goat now! Life really does take a U-turn! And if it wasn't for that Chinese classmate who looked like Gong Li, then I would have failed the C++ class!

I don't know why in the world I studied computers when I knew all along that I really wanted to study History. It took me more than a decade to figure out what I wanted to study and by then ... I wanted to be a Hippie and make love not war. Well, did that for few years and look where I am today. I am back to square one.

Of course I have tried my hand in nearly everything I could. Tried publishing, pashmina, dot com stocks, domain names, carpets, upscale restaurant, marketing VVS diamonds, selling candies and trying to make that 'great' independent movie. And I have still not mastered the art of making 'momo'... which is like the #1 skill u need to make 'Nepali' friends when u are out of the country!

Well, now I have to get a real job. If I don't then I am going to get kicked out of the house. That's what I heard through the grapevine. And if I don't get a decent job then I won't get a woman and if I don't get a woman then I will die a sick old pervert! I didn't say that... that was my good friend who is a recovering alcoholic.

So Tony Montana, go @#$! yourself. And all these years I thought, 'u get the money then u get the power and then you get the woman' ... well I can't blame him. After all, I am still working on the 'money' part!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Catfight !

I have seen White women duke it out with each other. And Black chicks can really go all out like them WWE stuff but Nepalese ladies ... never seen young Nepali girls wanting to punch each other in God knows where?

Was at this Cafe, trying to act as if I was a smart NGO guy , writing important stuff so that I could stop global warming single-handedly. Actually I was just checking if my naari-friend had finally decided to put me back on her Hi5 list. Well, she hasn't yet... I guess it's over when she says, 'It's over...fool'

I never could figure out what the story was but suddenly the girl sitting on my right, with her 'Fabio' like boy toy was all pumped up. She was cursing, bitching about some other girl.

The last time I ever heard a Nepali woman barking like a dog was when I was a kid and my lola missed this cute neighbor of mine and instead landed on her granny's bum. And then the old woman exploded ... "Ye Mya Chi Te La".

It took a while to sink in but then I finally figured out that she was using all the Nepali bad words and not speaking in tongues. And now, after 15 years... I found myself between two ladies who really wanted to kill each other.

This beautiful girl just went ballistic and began her American idol audition with her song "Ye Mya Chi" . It was nuts. The gringo crowd didn't understand a thing. The volunteer khuire crowd understood the words and were really excited to finally watch a live 'catfight'... and I was like 'this is not happening!'

The other girl was like , 'This is really embarrasing' and the 'dirty mouth' gal was like 'You Cu.. You Whor... You this and that' . Then after her five minutes of 'Your Mama jokes' , she left with her Fabio!

The other girl who didn't feel like responding to her opponent's verbal abuse then called someone and then she talked like she was a hit man for the Gambino family. 'I am going to kill that bitch, I am going to stab her and cut her head off'... and she went on for the next five minutes.

I don't know who was on the other side of the conversation but I was really terrified. I didn't know our girls have taken Beyonce's "If I were a boy" to heart! Swearing is what boys do. Boys fight over girls. They stab each other in the arse.

But ladies... don't talk like that and please no violence. Let the men fight each other over you not fight with each other for a guy. It's not worth it! Calm down, drink a lemonade, watch a romantic movie and don't kill each other for a Fabio!

So let's all listen to Beyonce's 'Single Ladies' with a SNL flavor! And ladies... you have the right to remain single!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

X & Y !

Timing is everything. And sometimes it's not in your hands but we should all play the cards we are dealt and hope that the other person doesn't hold three Aces when you are trying to outdo him or her with a pair of 7s.

Went to a bar yesterday night... it was closing time and the band was packing up and man... didn't know our KTM bands had their own groupies too! I wish I had taken guitar lessons when I was young. I would play the guitar with my teeth and maybe that would make the ladies go wild.

I have been grinding my teeth for ages. The doctors tell me it's nothing but 'Stress' ... don't worry, eat right, sleep well! I have stopped worrying about how my life will turn out to be. I am now in the late second quarter and so far I have fumbled in every game I have played. And my interception percentage is like 90%.

So for every ten plans that I come up with, I know very well that nine of them will turn out to be a bust and even that single successful venture will result in breaking even. I can take all them management classes I have taken so far and shove it up somebody's arse. Well, it's been stuck in mine forever!

The Young Guns today are not only wild and crazy but they are smart, passionate and determined to achieve whatever they set their mind to. Old fogies like us are still bragging about how we scored a 'first division' in our SLC exams. Yes... 60.1% and that's the only good thing to show for and everything after that is fuzzy.

I met a young person ... she drinks like a sailor, smokes like a chimney and she's only 23. She is doing her Master's thing in some development shit and she likes to jump off some cliff or go river-rafting. When I was her age, the only thing I cared about was not missing David Letterman's Top 10 list for the night and guzzling cheap beer and chicken wings!

I think I have found my girl. She has the brains... she wants to get a Phd in 'Yes, I too want to save the world' thing. She can really cook. Yes, the kitchen was closed but she convinced the guy to let her in and she made a mean grilled cheese sandwich. She also likes Karela. I do too. She has to drink a cup of coffee before going to bed. I do too.

And she wants to marry a guy who has a decent job, a good sense of humor and who won't mind doing the dishes. Okay, I don't have a decent job... @#$! I don't have a job! But I love to do the dishes and I am a funny guy.

God... make me 23 again! Well, in Nepal... it's not that difficult. You can always take off few years from your ID, passport and what not as long as you pay our sarkaari folks!

And our young folks are optimistic. Maybe not about the country's future but they really believe that they are heading somewhere. I guess it's true when they say 'If you believe it then you can achieve' or something like that.

The future is bright for Nepal. I tell young people to go out... go West, East ... stay there for few (10) years. Finish your PhD or work your arse off and don't think of coming back unless you have spent ten years away from home. Even Ramu was out in the jungle for 14 years but he didn't have to worry about bills because his father owned a kingdom!

Well things didn't work out with Sita but that's how we, males are. We just can't think that the opposite sexes can be friends without sleeping with each other.

Yes, don't come back (if you don't want to!)... Stay there and do good. There will be few who really want to do something in Nepal and few is good. If everybody comes back then Prozac sales in KTM will go through the roof! You can do more by staying put... wherever you are. If you make good money then give it to the few who have decided to come back and are in the villages ,trying to do something.

Change won't happen overnight. The other day, a vegetable seller was telling me, "Even if you take poison, you are not going to die right away." Okay, maybe this guy needs to sell his worldly possession and be a Sadhu or something.

So for them folks who are outside Nepal, don't feel bad. Make your money. Make sure you have something, a PhD in 'Uranium Processing' or something, so that your skills will always be in demand! Or maybe a Green card so you can always run back to make some dough. Do what it takes to be financially well-off before even deciding to do something for others.

I have no idea what I am writing. This is coming from a guy who is always broke and can't even convince a peanut seller to pick up his own trash. The other day, I tried to take a stray dog to the Vet and got bitten. Friends tell me 'Do something, open a business or something... make money then only think about all this community natak'

I don't know. My business plans look neat... but always turn out to be more like a 'shock & awe' thing. There is always a big dhamaka like them Mentos & Diet Coke experiment and after that it's just @#$!ing mentos in the bottle and you are thirsty but there is no soft drink!

And then there was this dude from the Madeshi Forum doing his Hindi Shayari thing. '
tujhe chahne wale kum na honge, waqt ke sath shayad hum na honge, chahe kisi ko kitna bhi pyaar dena, lekin teri yaadon ke haqdar sirf hum hi honge'... there you go... this guy will be the first Madeshi PM if he continues with this natak!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Other Woman !

A good friend of mine is married with kids. He drives around in a nice fancy car. And he also likes to eat out... with another woman! Where did he go wrong? If you are going to fool around then what's the point of getting married?

I think I am a pretty progressive guy but once you get married then I think it's a good idea to stay loyal to your spouse. I am not married and maybe I don't know how a married guy feels but if you have a nice wife and kids then what makes you go and play bed kung-fu with another woman?

Marriage is a lot of work. And for lazy bums like me, it may not be a good option. How about an open relationship? I was once in such a relationship ... well I think I still am and I have no problem with her on-and-off attraction to smart, rich , six-abs blokes! No, I am not going out with a hooker.

I guess I am a dumb ass. Well, I am not that smart (although I like to think I know everything!), I am skinny and I am still dependent on the kindness of my family. I don't know how long it will last?

Well, I think I will always be skinny and stupid but I don't know how long my wonderful family will keep on supporting, investing in my dream projects even though they know that at the end of the day, they will have to write it off as another bad investment!

Let's go back to the Nepali guys and their mistresses thing! I am not making it up but 50% of my married friends are getting ziggy-wiggy with some other women. And nearly 30% of all the girls I have loved (but who smartly decided not to marry me but married nice guys) are getting it on with other men.

Here in Nepal, a guy can screw up his whole life and still get away with it but it's hard to be a woman... you screw up once and people will talk behind your back for the rest of your life!

I have nothing against my friends who like sleeping with the other women but I don't think I would do that to my wife if I ever get married. I have to get married soon. Who says so? Not my family but the wonderful relatives come up with stories on how my 'biological clock' is ticking!

I thought that was a woman thing but I guess it's all right for Krishna Prasad Bhattarai to be happy with a woman half his age but it's a big No No to go out with a teenager to catch a new Bollywood flick!

I once told this 10+2 gal... 'Look, even Prince Charles got married to a confused 19 year old' and she replied, 'Well, look at what happened to Di!' and 'BTW, u r no Prince, you are always broke and only if you get your nose pulled by a tractor would you get a nose like Charlie!'

Okay, so no hooking up with a Lolita... I guess! My sisters think that even if I do con a lovely lady to be my wife-for-life ... she would leave me in a week after she finds out that I am still figuring out what to do with my life when most people my age are already so-called well-settled with cushy jobs, nice wives, kids, cars and mistresses!

It's been a long time since I listened to Mr. Cray. So here goes the song, 'Right Next Door'... and a Hello to my friend in the UK for them 'Robert Cray Morning Bhajans!'

Monday, February 2, 2009

Clean up your street!

The last Saturday of the Angrezi month is 'clean up your street' day @ my neighborhood. This volunteering campaign has been going on for the past six months. The local club hopes that someday the neighborhood will be a trash-free zone.

Here in Nepal, one needs an invitation. Spreading the word won't cut it... you literally have to send a letter and personally deliver it or else nobody will show up! And even if they do show up, they aren't willing to take the broom and do some street cleaning. They would rather smoke, have milk tea and give their piece of mind on why such programs would never work in Nepal.

Last Saturday, the Armed Police Force participated in the neighborhood clean up program. It's usually the folks from the Nepalese Army or the APF who really are excited to be part of such neighborhood programs.

What about the Nepal Police? The cops are busy hanging out with local goons and making money here and there. They aren't really interested and the YCLs are busy fighting with other political outfits. The local folks have invited them but they are always busy... doing nothing!

But this Saturday, the neighbors were busy praying and offering Indian Apples and Chinese oranges to Goddess Saraswati! Only four local people showed up! The APF folks did a great job. The neighborhood is as clean as any street in Singapore (except Little India). The 'Singapore dream' lasts for six hours and by the end of the evening, people are happy to throw chocolate wrappers, orange peels and little black plastic bags filled with yesterday's leftovers.

Next time, the local youth club should organize a 'Saptah' ... then it could easily raise millions of Rupees and you would need a group of bouncers to control the 'religious' crowd. But if you want to clean up the street then nobody would give a dime or their time. Just look at the Pashupatinath controversy!

Nepalese are very religious folks. If only our Bhramins were clever then they would have come up with 'clean your street' or else you will end up in hell natak. But they didn't... instead they came up with stuff like ' Pray to the moon, don't eat Beef , give your dough to the Pujari'

Well, the Amrikanos ate the steak and went to the moon. So make sure your children like them Beef Jerkies and one day, they can go and clean up the moon or something. I like mine Well Done but maybe I should try climbing Phulchowki first!

The water tanker guys finally showed up today. Yipee! Finally, I can take shower @ my own place instead of running around like a crazy stinky hobo!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Customer Service 101 !

I went to this restaurant for lunch and nearly had to duke it out with the manager. All I wanted was a bar of soap so that I could wash my hands after pee pee. The manager said, "Sorry we don't have any soap"... what kind of an establishment is this?

So I decided to go to the kitchen and hang out with the Chefs. After washing my hands, I was surrounded by a bunch of waiters and the manager decided to give me a nice tongue-lashing! I shouldn't have tried to strangle him ... after all it was a small matter.

After being separated by the staffs, the owner of the joint decided to make a guest appearance. He was ready to have his goons kick my arse. We sat down. I had a cup of tea and he was busy playing with his vodka. I guess he was a sensible man. No bones were broken. I didn't realize that everyone had thugs-for-hire ready to come out from their closet!

When you have already invested 50 lakhs on a restaurant then how hard it is to buy a bar of soap now and then. After all, people who come to eat need to wash their hands, don't they?

My laptop broke down. Went to this place where there were like millions of laptops. I guess lot of laptops are acting funny these days. The guy told me that my hard disk had crashed. No, no data could be saved and I needed a new one. Well, it's a freaking computer unlike our body parts where Viagra can straighten things out!

Okay, I decided to go for a new hard disk and then my laptop started acting funny again. Okay, the Windows stuff was not original and then I decided to update it and it crashed again. Then I got another tongue-lashing from the computer scientist.

And maybe that's the reason they lost the screws that safely protects the hard disk from coming out of its closet. I went back for the screws and they don't have it and I can do nothing about it.

The water tanker guys haven't showed up yet. They promised to come @ 10 in the morning then it was 2 ... then 4 ... 6 and now it's midnight and I am still waiting. Yes, it's a good thing about us Nepalese... we can't say 'No' but if you can't do the job then just say , 'Sorry, I can't do it!'... don't make up BS stories!

Shower @ my cousin's house and thank God ... since most of my friends have restaurants these days, I can always run in and out after taking a dump. Maybe I should ask my friends to open a health club or spa or whatever.

I can then take shower @ them places as well. But the membership fees @ them places is @#$!ing outrageous unless you really want a body like Aamir Khan. Then you can spend six hours a day, pumping iron and what not but for folks like me who go to the gym once... every leap year, it's a bad investment.

I bought a pair of jeans the other day. Folks like me shop like we are in a hurry to save the world. Kaam pani chaina fursad pani chaina ! I thought the quality inspector from Khasa must have done a great job. I was wrong. I wore it today and the zipper doesn't work. I went back to the store so I could get another one. The guy wasn't happy. After staring and glaring and cursing at each other, he finally gave in.

And then I got home and realized that it wasn't my size. I need to eat a truck load of chicken and maybe gain another twenty pounds by next week or I will look like them young kids whose arses are behind their knees!

The only good customer service I get is @ the local barber shop. I get a nice hair cut, a shave and a massage. I really don't like the massage and I have told him a thousand times ... No, I don't need one!

I feel like the guy is playing drums on my head and he must be deaf too. There you go ... a deaf drummer! I am pretty sure that one day I am going to end up with a dislocated shoulder, a broken neck and a brain hemorrhage.

And I am praying to Lord Pashupatinath... God, please let Kurt Warner and the Cardinals win!