Saturday, July 26, 2014

Welcome Back SuKo!

Our simpleton Prime Minister Sushil Koirala (SuKo) is back home after receiving treatment in the US for first-stage lung cancer.  

Let's hope that SuKo is now fit and fine and will work towards bringing all other buffoons together to finish the constitution writing process in the next three months. Then, he has to head back to New York for his follow-up visit.

Our netas seem to forget that we are giving them a second chance to get things done. If they can't give us a constitution by November, then they should all stop occupying the International Convention Center in Baneshwor and give it back to the public. 

At least, we can host beauty pageants, educational fairs and other exhibitions there. 

Our political cadres think it's funny when they blacken the face of their opponents and put shoe-garlands on them. Maybe, it's time for us, the common folks to do the same. So get your old stinky shoes ready. Don't throw them away because it might come handy this November.  

We are the ones who voted for these clowns and we should have the courage to boot them out as well. If these clowns don't give us a constitution this year then we should confiscate their passports as well. 

Well, the only place they can visit without a passport is India and it's best if our netas stayed there forever instead of thinking of ways to take this country down the drain.

Most of our neats have learned their dirty tricks from across the border. Before we used make fun of Bihar but now the Biharis must be laughing at us. Our politics is turning more like the ones you see in Bollywood movies where politicians and mundrey gundas have all the fun while the common folks are starving.  

Even the Desi politicians have changed.  Well, they are still corrupt but they seem to want foreign investment in their states.

Our netas are also corrupt but they do not want any foreign investment in this land of ours. Our clowns visit India and China like we visit the local vyar vyar momo pasal but they must be blind. 

If both the Desis and the Dumpling gang are happy with foreign investment then why are our politicians and civil servants hell-bent on taking this country back to the stone ages? 

We do not have the resources be it capital or human to develop this land of ours. Let's ask for help from our chimekis and other bideshis for now and maybe after 2050, we can help them out if we turn into the 'Switzerland' of Asia like our netas have been promising us for ages.

I hope SuKo visited landmarks in New York City during his off-time.  Our netas visit foreign lands but end up spending most of their time in hotel rooms meeting foreign handlers and sharing state secrets with them.  

Instead of trying to convince the foreign hands for more funds for their respective political parties, they should venture out and be a tourist and maybe get a few ideas about how things are run in foreign lands.

New York City is also known as the 'Big Apple'.  SuKo must now think of a nickname for our capital as well.  Maybe, we should go with 'Big Temple' or 'Big Momo' or 'Big Bang'. 

We have many temples and Pashupatinath is a big thing for all of us, mostly Hindus and also for the Ambanis, Bacchans and other Indian Hindus as well. 

If we can create a park around Pashupatinath and name it 'Reliance Park' then Mukesh Ambani would probably dole out a few  crores and that could be enough to end all the conflict of who gets to enjoy the funds collected from offerings at Pashupatinath. 

Just make sure that we have a 'statute' of a Late Dhirubhai Ambani in the middle of the park. 

But of course, our political parties will shoot down the idea because it will hurt our national sovereignty. How? We don't know but if they are not getting the loot then it's time to shout 'Anti-Indian' slogans even thought they seem to receive kharcha from the Desis. 

Well, we do not have a problem with Jungey dai or Juddha Shumsher's sister-in-law's statue but we seem to have problem with the Shahs. And for the park in Pashupatinath, let's name it 'Republic Nepal – Reliance Park'.  If we want to make both chimekis happy then we can have a 'Republic Nepal-Mao Park' as well on the other side.

We all love Momos and we can have an international festival for momos every year where all dumpling loving bideshis can come together and enjoy all kinds of momos for a week. 

Well, the Nanglo wallahs from Palpa have been doing it for years. Maybe, our government should learn from them and Nepal Tourism Board can spend millions more to promote the capital as 'Big Momo' overseas instead of wasting money on useless promotions.

Our student union wallahs are now into burning libraries because they must have gotten tired of burning tyres and littering the streets with stones and bricks. 

We can promote this capital as 'Big Bang' where all hooligans around the world can come to this land and participate in a week-long festival where our political cadres will teach them how to first find used tyres, then fuel and then light it up in less the nine seconds. 

Usain bolt maybe the fastest man on Earth but he can't beat this. Maybe, we could have a 'Hooligans Olympics' here because we will never have the funds to host an Olympic Games anytime soon.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Budget for Thieves

Our brilliant government has presented the annual budget of Rs 618 billion and most of it will go to pay our hardworking civil servants, competent contractors and loyal political cadres.  This year's budget like always has nothing for the common folks. 

It's not something to be surprised of because our government does not work for the people.  It works for con artists masquerading as politicians. It works for fake VAT Bill byaparis and criminals selling adulterated products to the public. It works for all the crooks in this land but not us.

The main job of our government is to collect taxes and then provide unnecessary perks and chiya kharcha to our politicians and their cronies leaving the rest of us to deal with inflation, corruption and frustration.

We have no voice at the table. We are the ones dealing with shortages of everything whereas our politicians get to drive around in luxury vehicles with Rambos pointing assault rifles at the public. 

Don't  expect our civil servants to show up at work on time and do their job even after getting a 10% pay raise and increase in other allowances.  The only hard work they do is how to kiss some netas' ass for promotion and transfer to lucrative postings.  They extort from us and the money goes all the way up to the mantra's personal aide. 

If the CIAA really wants to go after the big fishes then they should haul in all the politicians' personal aides and get hold of their black books. But of course, Lok Man dai doesn't want to rock the boat and seems to ignore the fact that our Nepal Food Corporation hands out thousands of goats for free during Dashain to our hakim sahebs and netas. 

Even if we can't end corruption for now, at least stop the 'free goat' offer for our crooked thieves.

Our contractors will continue to build bridges where there are no rivers. And they are not solely to be blamed for the never-ending road construction in the country. Our political parties need the dough to pay their cadres and mundrey gundas.  

The easiest way to make some dough is to bring some development project to your constituency and then extort the contractor who gets the contract to do the shoddy work. 

Our government has promised us that our contractors will be responsible for at least five years after they complete their job. But in this land of ours, only the public is held accountable while the rest of the clowns get away with all the crimes.

Our cadres know only how to destroy public property and burn tyres.  It would be nice if our cadres learned something productive like carpentry, plumbing and even fixing up vehicles instead of destroying them. 

Instead of burning tyres, learn how to make those tyres into rafts or bags or something that can be put into daily use. But our leaders have not taught their cadres to be constructive. 

Instead, they only know destructive activities. They should be hired as hooligans for some English Premier League football clubs instead of staying here and carrying out chakka jams and Nepal bandas.And whenever their leader is in the top kurchi, they demand chiya kharcha and from the state treasury. 

Our lawmakers had demanded Rs 50 million each for their constituencies but they will be getting only Rs 10 million. But our Finance Minister has a few tricks up his sleeves. 

Our buffoons used to earlier get Rs 1 million under the Parliamentary Development Fund. Now, they will get Rs 1.5 million and Rammy Dai has also assured the lawmakers that each constituency will get projects worth Rs 50 million.  

That means, our freeloaders will now get Rs 11.5 million hard cash which they can misuse it for their personal gain. And on top of that, they can get kickbacks on the Rs 50 million development projects in their constituencies. 

It's a win-win situation for our politicians whereas the public will have to be happy with new welcome gates and pot-hole filled roads in their constituency.

Our politicians may not agree on how many provinces we need or what kind of government we want but they will agree on one thing. That is, how to share the loot and be happy while the common folks get nothing and have to go abroad to support their families.

Our government is also planning to set up a 'Rs 500 million start-up fund' to help entrepreneurs. We all know that the political cadres will get the dough while the real entrepreneurs will probably be asked to submit more paperwork until he or she finally gives up.

At the end of day, we just want to make enough to have a decent meal of dal,bhat, tarkari and if lucky, a few chunks of masu as well. Our government could do us a big favor if it controls food prices and takes action against hoarders, black-marketers and those selling adulterated products. 

As usual, the capitalist pigs will make more, our communist and socialist netas will make much more whereas it's time for the common folks to stand up and say 'No More'.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Rs 71,305

According to Economy Survey 2013-14, per capita income of an average Nepali is Rs 71,305. I think there should also be a survey of income of our civil servants, cops, contractors and clowns. 

After all, these are the buffoons who seem to make millions of Rupees in a year whereas the rest of the folks have to go abroad to make a few Dinars more. 

The budget season is here and all the crooks want something for themselves in the new budget while there is nothing for the common folks.  Our civil servants want more perks for less work.  

The Ministry of General Administration (MOGA) wants the government to increase the dress code allowance for our hardworking civil servants.  And the lazy bums also want 'tiffin' allowance this time. 

Why on earth do our civil servants need chiya kharcha from the state when they have been making all the dough from the service seekers?  I guess, our chiya kharcha is not enough for the lazy bums.  

Our civil servants don't have to spend a penny from their salaries to manage their household budget.  If that was the case, then majority of our civil servants would be living in a single room and their kids would be attending public schools.

Most of our lazy bums show up at work after 11am and spend half of their time, reading newspapers and drinking chiya.  And nothing gets done if you show up after 2pm. 

I think our civil servants should be paid by the hour.  Instead of increasing the dress allowance and adding tiffin allowance of Rs 75 per day, why not have a 'productivity allowance' instead?

Let's award those civil servants who do their work efficiently without worrying whether the service seeker will give them chiya kharcha or not. But of course, we live in a fake Democracy where meritocracy is frowned upon and nepotism is the only way to advance your career if you are a civil servant.  

An average civil servant probably makes ten times more than an average Nepali and yet they demand salary hike every other year. 

Our cops have not change a bit in the past thirty years. Nepal Police should provide better living facilities to personnel instead of misusing the funds to make the senior officials happy.  

Please build restrooms for our women cops and provide them a safe environment to work instead of being harassed by one of their own. 

Whoever gets to be our Home Minister is only interested to make millions by promoting those who has the most bora of cash.  

Instead of securing our borders and protecting the public from the gundas, our Home Ministers have only used the police force for their own party interests.   We live in a land where the public is more scared of the cops than mundrey gundas.

A mundrey gunda might not extort from you if you happen to be a friend of his thulo ba's saalo. A cop won't care if you are a friend of his relative. He will probably give you a discount on the chiya kharcha but will still want something to look the other way. 

Yes, we do have a few honest cops around but when the majority of them are in it only for the money then even the few good ones get a bad rap. It's the same with the army wallahs. Many soldiers continue to live in bunkers whereas the jur-saabs and their maha-ranis continue to enjoy all the perks. 

Our contractors never finish the assigned task on time but they continue to get paid from the state. Our roads last until the next monsoon and yet our contractors don't get punished for their shoddy work.  

How can we expect a good job when our contractors have to pay off the civil servants, mundrey gundas affiliated to political parties and the clowns themselves?

We want a constitution but our clowns want Rs 50 million each so that they can enjoy the lifestyle of the Shree Tins. Earlier, the clowns used to get Rs 1 million so that they could distribute it to their near and dear ones instead of doing something for the people in their constituencies. 

Now, they want fifty times more so that they can build a nice house in Kathmandu, hundreds of tolas of gold for their spouses, a new car for their kids and a fat bank balance. 

Our politicians, mostly those who are in the government probably make a thousand times more than an average Nepali citizen and we can do nothing to stop them from looting the state treasury. 

Our CIAA wallahs only go after the small fishes whereas the sharks are running wild. The fake VAT bill byaparis have not been punished and probably will never face any action. 

A few of our former ministers have been to jail but they still have millions hidden somewhere. At the end of the day, it's the common folks who get extorted by the state, while the evil doers get to misuse the state funds to enjoy a luxurious lifestyle.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Makune vs Oli

The general convention of the CPN-UML has begun and it's time for the comrades to choose one of the two freeloaders to head the party. Both Madhav Kumar Nepal (Makune) and KP Oli wants to be the party chairperson.

Oli has been our Deputy Prime Monster and has headed the Home and Foreign Ministry over the years. One day, he hopes to be our Prime Monster but until then, he wants to be the big boss so that he can finally get his photo plastered on the wall of chairpersons in the CPN-UML party office.

Makune has already been our Prime Monster and he has already had the chance to head the party. So, it's about time Makune stepped aside and let Oli be the big boss so that he can come up with new jokes and fire some more goli with his boli.

Nearly all of the major players in our political parties are the same bunch of clowns,  who have been having fun for the past two decades.  It's time for a change but instead of giving the young turks a chance to show us their dance moves, the old netas continue to hog the show and take the country down the drain.

CPN-UML cadres have also displayed their vandalizing skills because they were not allowed entry to the convention. After all , you cannot be a political cadre if you do not know how to tear down banners, burn tyres and destroy the welcome gate. And our Nepal Police did what they know best; that is laathi-charging and displaying their kicking skills.

I think it was not a good idea for the party to bar ordinary party cadres from attending the inaugural session of the general convention.  The cadres do all the work whereas the netas' cousins and contractors make all the moolah. 

The organizers did not allow the cadres to enter the convention venue due to lack of space inside the hall.Well, the CPN-UML should have booked a party palace for ordinary cadres and organized a musical event while they enjoyed the buffet lunch. 

Or, just let the cadres mingle outside the hall while they enjoy free watermelon and chana-chatpat.

It's funny that the party's leader is our Home Minister and he calls in the cops to disperse his own cadres.  Oli has enough mundrey gundas in his pocket and he could have asked their help to provide security at the venue. 

But our netas think it is always better to waste our taxpayers money and use our police wallahs as their own private security guards instead.

The CPN-UML has gone hi-tech by deploying a team of robotics engineers.  Yes, showering flowers by using a remote-control quadcopter is neat  but they should also focus on low-tech stuff like providing clean drinking water and well-maintained restrooms for the attendees.  At least have enough soap, water and a bora of Odonil in the restrooms.

The current party Chairperson Jhallu Baba has remained neutral and he is still hoping that both rival factions will fail to find common ground and choose him instead. 

After all, our netas are not known for finding consensus but instead rely on criminals, contractors and cousins to win elections. And it doesn't matter if it’s the national or party elections. They use the same tactics to win the votes with bundle of notes.

It's the same with every other political party in the country.  All parties have rival factions and their cadres fight with each other over who gets to run the show in their constituency. Be it the Maoists, Madhesis or the once-upon-a-time-monarchists,  all of them face dissent and are caught up in intra-party fighting. 

And even though we claim to be a Republic, our political parties are run like dictatorships. Maybe, our political cadres should start a revolution in their own parties first and demand free and fair elections in choosing their central committee members and other top positions.

The CPN-UML won’t be a different party even if Oli wins and Makune doesn't get the chance to head his party for another 15 years. Yes, Oli has more mundrey gundas under his wing than Makune. 

And he certainly has more dough to win the votes because the mundreys are all involved in thekka-patta, extortion and other get-rich-quick schemes. So, if Oli becomes the top honcho then he might bring loads of cash for the party as well. What will Makune bring?  

Our political parties do not care about the people or the country.  Our politicians only care about their near and dear ones and writing the constitution is not on their priority list. Consensus is a dirty word for our clowns and they only salivate like Pavlov's dogs if they can make money from corruption.

I think our young leaders in all the political parties should demand for setting an age-limit as well as term-limit in their respective parties. If you are over 60, then step aside and be a mentor to the young ones. And we can’t have one person heading any organization for more than a decade. 

If we have an age-limit and term-limit right now then all of our political stooges who are running the show in their parties would be staying home and watching the World Cup instead of exploiting their cadres for their personal gain.